first trimester dreams

lets see, so far i've dreamt that:

• i (with 2 other people) was supposed to kill a convicted criminal with my bare hands and i couldn't bc i just kept crying although i did take a few swings at him.
• i killed some me.n.in.bla.ck-ish alien guy by outsmarting him and getting his neck squeezed in automatic sliding glass doors (he was running after me, leaning forward, but i had done something that made him unable to see the doors he wound up stuck and dying between)
• i cut my own hair impulsively and terribly
• i tried to breastfeed sofia, and was frustrated when she wouldn't let me bc i needed someone to "practice" on
• i drank alcohol willingly and accidentally smoked pot
• a visit to the RE where i found out i was not prego
• i had a "premonition" dream about 2girlsandababy and their bfp
• that i had some wildly colored hair. 3 sections. one bleached, one fire engine red, and one black
• that i had the baby (a girl) and no one fawned over her the way they did when sofia was born so i knew she wasn't a cute baby (Sofia was amazingly gorgeous, she looked like a doll)
• dreamt (after my car accident) that my dad was given what was supposed to be my rental car and i made a huge deal about it and everyone around me cried bc i was such a jerk to my dad

15w1d

like everyone else at 15 weeks, my pre-prego bottoms dont fit. ive had it with bell.a bands so i've given up on them unless there is an outfit i insist on wearing to the point that they are my only option to wear that/those item(s), which does not happen often. i feel like my belly is growing, and i guess it is, but i still feel like im constantly holding my stomach muscles tight(ish) constantly. when i let my belly out completely i think i look pregnant. there is something in my head that is stopping me from just letting my belly relax at all times. i just realized that sitting here, typing with my computer on my lap, im still doing it. i guess i've always been self conscious about my belly anyway as its always been my "problem area" so that is prob the reason behind it. i think that is also the reason behind my refusal to take belly pictures up until this point. i still havent taken any, i feel like i should, i think i might regret not doing it, but i might have too many issues to actually be able to do it until my belly is like, large and clearly very pregnant. there is also a part of my brain that says "dont seem like you're trying too hard to look pregnant, you're not that far along". i told lovedove about that thought, and she was baffled by the thought of trying to look pregnant. it does not make much sense, but thats my weird brain for ya.

the dog. disa has been diagnosed with addison's disease. i had never heard of it until now, if you're interested there is a good deal of info here. long story short, its an adrenal gland issue, which seems to have been the cause of all of our pup's health issues in the last few months. we took her in to the doctor's office on monday bc she was having trouble getting up off of the floor/staying balanced while walking, clearly not typical for her or any other 6 yr old dog. we had a great vet (there are several at our local place) and he listened pretty well to the changes we had observed in her. after blood tests, and an abdominal sonogram, he put the pieces together, and they added up to addison's. more than anything else, we'll be monitoring her every move more closely and shelling out a hell of a lot more money for her care for the rest of her life, but supposedly she can live a long healthy life with this disease. she'll be on oral meds daily (forever), monthly shots (forever), and will need an expensive blood test to evaluate the levels of her dosages 2-4 times per year. overall, im thrilled that we didn't find more cancer, and im glad that the doc thinks that she's got at least another 5-6 years with us. i friggin love this dog, she is our first baby, and truly, blowing through money is a small price to pay to keep her with us. she's an amazing part of our family and i was completely distraught before we knew what was going on. i.love.our.dog. omg. so much. as i type sofia is throwing one of disa's toys at her, trying to get her to play. she has not recovered to the point that shes ready to play yet, i cant wait till they run around this apt together again.

this weekend is my cousin's wedding in philadelphia, followed by our NJ vacation with my parents and some relatives. disa will be staying with my MiL, or rather, my MiL will be staying here, to avoid having to made disa go up and down her stairs repeatedly (our apt is a walk in/1st fl). then on the following monday when im 16w5d, we'll be getting our next sono, and maybe we'll get to see if this baby is a boy or a girl. 3 people have said boy based on nothing but a gut feeling, my guess is girl based on the chinese gender thingie, my cravings for "sweets" rather than spicy (usually im a very spicy person), and my thoughts about our family in the future. i always just picture us with 2 girls. oh, and i had a dream where i gave birth to a baby girl, and no one said she was cute. people could not stop talking about how beautiful sofia was from the moment she was born, she looked like a doll. i was a little disappointed that i had a not so cute baby, but i didnt care. im pretty sure she was healthy. (im going to post my dreams post today, i swear)

im feeling fine, still tired, but fine. i keep getting "you look so good" and my response thought is always "well im pregnant not dealthy ill", but i respond verbally with "thank you". im still kind of worried constantly about baby, i kind of wish i had a doppler. i hope things are fine. my boobs are less troublesome/sore each day, but i think they're getting bigger still. speaking of breasts, my mother asked me the other day (as many other women have lately) if i am going to breastfeed. yes, i am, to which my mother responds with "ew". this then makes me furious and i want to tell her that im a "sick" individual with attention issues and an infertile past, due to her refusal to breastfeed. i dont actually think about blaming her for my health crap ever, until she says garbage about how gross breastfeeding is.

sofia's godmother (lovedove's sister) is visiting this week so we've been spending tons of family time which is lovely. sofia is kind of bratty after a while to both of her aunties, we're still not sure why, its annoying to watch. i dont like when shes bratty. i also feel like shes increasing in her level of spoiled-ness, as that tends to spike when we see family for extended periods of time. between this visit, family vacation #1 with my fam, and family vacation #2 in august with lovedove's fam, im kind of worried about how much de-spoiling we'll need to do after her birthday in the beginning of september. yea, the terrible 2s are officially around the corner.

anyway, thats enough for now, hope everyone is feeling good, and im loving the new belly photos that are popping up on so many of your blogs :o)

14w2d

not much news to report. i guess im officially in the second trimester, but there haven't been many changes since hitting that mark. im still nauseous here and there, my boobs are still pretty sore although there may have been a small improvement in that area. im still not "showing" but my bottom half clothes no longer button or zip. i did hit up a maternity store to purchase new bras and some maternity shorts. my bras were a 40F, which is a letter i hardly ever want to see in my life. not on my children's future report cards, and not in my bra sizes. i guess i should just pray that that there aren't two F's in my bra size at any point in the future.

im anxiously waiting for that "burst of energy" everyone claims to have in the second trimester. Not sure if it hasn't shown up due to the crazy heat waves we've been experiencing in nyc, or if its because sofia is almost 2, or if its just not in the cards for me. whatever, ill keep waiting.

speaking of being anxious, im starting to get that weird anxiety that i think a lot of women who had trouble ttc get during the waits in between dr visits and sonos. i kind of wish i had a doppler so that i could try to calm my nerves by finding baby's heart beat, but im sure that would give me more anxiety than comfort as im sure id struggle to find it each time. this is the reason i can not wait to be able to feel baby move. i feel like that will provide me with a little bit more comfort. before we leave the anxiety topic, the dog has been on a friggin hunger strike and i think its all anxiety. we have insane neighbors upstairs with an unruly 4 year old and an unruly dog, and i think that has a lot to do with it. we've gotten her crap food, she wont eat much of her regular high quality food, its very annoying. i just want her to go back to normal and put back any weight she's lost. not to mention that we are going on a 5 day vacation with my side of the family in 10 days, and the dog is staying with her other grandma. shes such a high maintenance dog already, i dont want to add "refuses to eat" onto the list. oh disa, you're a weirdo.

i guess ive been in a little bit of a funk lately, lovedove says ive been quite miserable, which i often disagree with, but there is a lot going on in our lives right now, as always. hoping that my cousins wedding, and our two upcoming vacations can help to get some more smiles on this mug of mine. after the first vacation, i have 2 dr appts (one sono and one dr visit), and then we head out to california for the vacation with lovedove's side of the family. once we get back, the summer is pretty much over, and by then i should be 18 weeks.

deeply saddened by the loss for and baby makes 3...hopefully, and the mass shooting at the movies last night. this world is f'd up, i wish there was some way to explain the horrible things that happen. so sorry for all of the losses.

lovedove and sofia are baking cookies (sofia's first confectionary expedition) and i cant wait. the heat wave broke yesterday and we have temps in the 70s today which is AMAZING, so i wont mind having the oven on temporarily.

wishing everyone a happy weekend and days of feeling good.

13 weeks and the "world" knows

sono last week went great, hb was at 156, completely normal. without further adieu....

there blueberry is, looking a lot bigger than last time and a lot more like (the beginning stages of) a baby. lovedove got to hear the heart beat and we got to see the baby jumping around. i couldn't believe it, especially since i swear sofia slept through every single ultrasound we ever had with her. it seemed like each time they were trying to get a good picture of the back of the baby's nech s/he would jump and mess up their shot. it was crazy. the results of the nuchal came back fine, both the measurement of the back of the baby's neck and the blood results show that right now everything is going well, thank God.

pregnancy handed me an unpleasant gift last week. a minor Y.I.(yeast infection). I hate them so much and read online about how to handle it, i know, not the best thing to do for any medical issue. i just get so grossed out by YIs and i hate admitting when i have one. the first one i had was when i was unaware that i was a diabetic and my sugars were out of control and it was HORRIBLE. this was just uncomfortable and i just used a 3 day cream to take care of it. from everything i read Y.I.s are more common during pregnancy and there are a number of factors that could have contributed to the development of the issue. being in a wet bathing suit often, lowering the dose/going off the progesterone (which has not made any difference in the boob tenderness arena), etc etc etc. im glad its over, but i will probably mention it to my dr tomorrow at my appt just to see what she thinks about how to handle them if it happens again.

i finally got my car back from the shop and it looks wonderful and im glad that is all over. i had left the container for the 24hr urine collection in the car so i keep putting that off. i intend to complete that project this sunday.

in other medical news, im having my eyes checked on friday, and my medical supplier is no longer carrying the testing strip that i use. SHOOT ME. now i either have to go back to carrying a 3rd device to check my sugar, or i need to find another medical supplier, that takes my insurance, that is still going to carry these strips. i cant wait until technology advances some more and they can combine my three devices into one. i dont even need a permanent implant in my lifetime that does it all on its own, id just love to combine all of the technology and only have to carry one device, even if i still have to wear two. annoyance, this is something on my to-do list that im putting off but i only have about another 4-5 weeks of strips, so it looks like i'll need to figure this out sooner rather than later when im panicking.

and........ the world knows about my pregnancy now. we made fb announcements over the weekend, AND pretty much everyone at my job knows. one of my coworkers asked "when i was going to tell her the obvious", and i really dont think its that obvious (im pretty sure word got around to her), but i think i am starting to "show" slightly. im excited. none of my pants/shorts zip anymore and im fully reliant on maternity clothes/bella.bands. im happy to see that my body is changing and i cant wait to have a big baby belly.

im about to get a jump on starting dinner before sofia wakes up from her very rare afternoon nap but i wanted to post, bc ive been such a slacker. i still read everyone's stuff and am rooting for everyone!
i have a dreams post coming to sum up the dreams of the first trimester, it will be short but pretty hysterical. stay tuned.

12w (!!!)

my boobs are by far my most notable pregnancy symptom. they are so sore and so sensitive it is completely incredible to me. when i play sports, i wear 3 bras to keep them in place and compress them so that they almost dont move at all. when i have all my gear on like that, you could pretty much throw a dodge ball at  my chest and i'd be fine. im not even sure what multiple bras would feel like right now. my boobs are large and in charge right now, especially at bedtime. i've resorted to laying down to take my bra off so that gravity causes me minimal pain, but if i sit up after removing the ol' brassiere, its all for nothing. im kind of hoping that  this doesn't continue for the entire pregnancy, but i am interested to see if it changes once i stop the progesterone. i'm almost done with that. i have been slacking a bit (not doing 4 doses a day) but lovedove would really prefer for me to finish up the prescription, which is probably another couple of days worth. so i'll be doing 4 a day to try to get through them as fast as possible.

we are currently in the middle of trying to get Sofia on a "summer schedule" and so far so good. we've been keeping her up pretty late in order to get her to sleep past 7:15am. yesterday she got up at 8:15, today 9:15! but we were at a bbq last night and didn't get her into her car seat to go home until 11:15. she danced her little patootie off and put on quite a show for all of our friends. she LOVES an audience.

speaking of summer, i must admit that i kind of slack social media-wise in the summer. i have so much more family time that i kind of dont care enough to go online that much. just wanted to inform yall that im much more mia in the summer than the winter/fall/spring.

i intend to maybe post a belly pic soon although there isnt much to see. if/when i do that, ill post pics of my diabetes tackle box and everything related to that.

hope all of the pregos are feeling good, hope the ladies trying are feeling good, and i hope you are all on your way to your happiness.

12 week sono on friday, anxious to get there. will post those pics when i can (if all goes well on fri - obvi). i also have a couple other posts in the works, not sure when they'll go up. just more randoms that i need to think about more.

thats all. happy 4th to all!