2ww time

embie #1 is locked and loaded. (substitute) dr said that the embie was a "very good" one, and 5 were able to be frozen as of today. he also said that there are still a few that they are watching and they may freeze a few more tomorrow. i am just relieved that he spoke highly of the one they chose, and we have a few more if we need to try again. it kind of takes the pressure off. the transfer was pretty fast, less uncomfortable than i had imaged. i guess that i managed the full bladder thing just fine, and the sonogram wasnt too bad. the tech kind of just found the spot she needed to be at and applied strong and constant downward pressure. this allowed the the dr to see the tip-of-a-pen sized dot that apparently was the end of the catheter in my uterus. once they were ready to transfer the embie, she had to apply even more pressure, but it was done within a minute or two. they only had me lay down for 5 minutes after the transfer before they let me get up to pee. they're very nonchalant there sometimes and i appreciate that. they always say "dont worry, its not going to fall out" and i always chuckle politely. do people actually worry about sperm and/or an embryo falling out of their uterus? the whole thing just makes me laugh.

so now my biggest battle/activity will be managing my sugar as best as i can. today has not been a good day at all and i want to slam my head up against a  brick wall bc im running so high. ive been above 200 for the last 3 hours(which is atrocious for me and super atypical), and ive done so much insulin that it doesnt make sense. all i want to do is lie down and relax but what ill need to do is get up and walk around the neighborhood once i finish this post. i already did some very brief and very light exercise a little over an hour ago, but that did little to nothing. usually it helps to "jump start" the insulin and get things back to where they need to be. im super frustrated and stress doesnt help sugar levels either. it just doesnt make any sense and i cant find anything online that says there is any clinical significance to ivf transfers and any effect on blood sugar. urrrgggggggg. again, a moment where i feel like the only type 1 ivf patient alive.  the only reason why im hesitating on roaming around the neighborhood is bc there is still so much insulin "on board" (in my system but not actively working on breaking down the sugar yet) that im afraid if i do get up and start really exercising, my sugar will plummet and go too low, which isnt healthy either. diabetes is a non stop balancing act where there are no constants, no rules, no guarantees, and sometimes i have a really hard time accepting that. in any case, i know that today's blood sugar readings will most likely not make or break a successful outcome on this cycle, as im well aware that women who are not reproductively challenged get crazy drunk before they know they're pregnant and their babies turn out fine. i hope this turns out fine, and if it doesnt i hope i dont blame myself.

hang on my cgm/dexcom now says its finally on the decline, gonna check..... well my first check was on a finger that i did not clean with an alcohol swab and i almost had a heart attack/did have a minor one bc it said i was at 335. it lied, well it didnt, but i let it lie to me bc i didnt do what i should have done in the first place. i got up washed my hands and then cleaned with alcohol and its 240ish. still way too high but on its way down finally. i feel like the worst diabetic ever putting that high of a number listed publicly but i think once i do get pregnant this blog will shift significantly from ttc-land to diabetes management-land. you've been warned. anyway my glucose level is on it's way down, i should probably try to relax now.

qotd 14
funniest meds/injectables mood swing story.
i dont think that i have any funny mood swing moments. i had a mean moment when lovedove was getting ready to give me an IM injection and i was apparently too ready. she was asking me if i wanted her to do a countdown and another question about what would make me the most comfortable and i kind of just yelled at her to "do it already". it was very insensitive to her as a partner and i felt really bad afterwards, although i hope we can look back on it and laugh one day. what a jerk, right?

 i think i got moodier as i was closer to the end of my stim meds but nothing too crazy. as far as other side effects my appetite has been weird and my body temperature seems to have been kind of low as i have been cold often. nothing funny there, oh well.

thoughts and thoughts and more thoughts

thoughts about this morning... lovedove left and has already arrived safely at her destination. i thought i would be way more emotional when we dropped her off, but i was kind of cold and detached. i almost feel like it was better that way. sofia on the other hand got upset when lovedove kissed her goodbye and closed the back passenger door. when i reentered the car after giving a quick hug and kiss, sofia was already half crying and calling "mama, mamaa". it broke my heart. i told her mommy had to go to work, which is the truth, i just didnt tell her that work would be a few days long instead of a few hours long. to try to put a smile back on her face i took her to McDonal.ds for breakfast. One of our local McD's has a "birthday train" and it is kind of just like one of those quarter machine rides, except its stationary and oversized, and its made out of small booths that are back to back. only the first and last booth have any train extension if that is understandable at all. we were able to have a seat in the first booth, a half booth, with just the bench to sit on and the table located in the engine room/front part of the train. its very difficult to describe this thing. (i took a picture on my phone which would be very simple to post, but lovedove and i still havent discussed posting close up/clear pictures of us/our family and if that would cross the line of this blog being "too" personal). needless to say, we had a great breakfast, she smiled the whole time, and she got a free toy from one of the nice women working there at 7:15 on a sunday morning. when we got home, we played a bunch then watched Enchanted. i fucking love that movie. Sofia managed to say awake for the whole movie which was impressive, and i think we both really enjoyed it. then she laid down for a nap, i showered, and now im on the computer for a few minutes. its been a phenomenal day despite the departure of my love.

thoughts about tomorrow.... got the call from the RE's office. my instructions are to be at their far away location at 10:45 tomorrow morning for my single embryo transfer, with a "comfortably full" bladder. can someone tell me what comfortably full means? that doesnt exist in my world. if my bladder is full, im uncomfortable. i understand that it needs to be full for the abdominal sonogram but im kind of dreading this. add to that the fact that my lower abdomen has been bloated and distended as well as slightly sore since the egg retrieval, i really do not have high hopes for the potential level of discomfort i'm going to experience. whatever though, God knows ill do anything to get to where i want to be in this situation. im glad its not super early, or too close to rush hour, i just hope its not too difficult to time. one of the nurses had said to empty my bladder before the drive to the office and drink fluids in the car on the way. sounds like a good enough plan. hoping that i dont get delayed or anything once i arrive. i think ill leave on the early side to allow time for picking up my friend(my emotional support since mom and sister are working, mother in law is watching sof at home) and allowing time for potential traffic. i figure if i get there 15 minutes early i can either sit in the parking lot or the waiting room. oh im sure my head will be spinning way too fast tomorrow.

other thoughts.... i can not believe that there are embryos with my dna sitting in a little dish, waiting for me. at this very moment, they exist and each one of them is potentially our baby. this shit blows my mind. if i tried to explain this to my (very old school) 91year old grandmother, i think she might faint, and then ask for a shot of scotch (what she attributes her long healthy life to: a shot of scotch when you are in pain/cant sleep, a pb&j every morning, and frying eggplant and cauliflower. omg i love her too much i could write a million word post about her). i just can not believe that we are so fortunate to have amazing insurance, the money we saved for this exact purpose (which is starting to dwindle), and a healthy "baby" girl to keep us busy and sane and present in the moment through this whole escapade. not to mention an overwhelming amount of support from our family and friends (and fellow bloggers) that are privy to this process. i just feel so blessed even with everything we've gone through, and i hope that we get to the next part of our journey soon.

which brings me to my next thought.. we havent gotten any new information about the embies since we were told how many were fertilized. im assuming that tomorrow they'll tell me all about the one(s) that was/were strong enough to last the few days in the artificial environment. i hope that i get to see pictures of the cells, so many women seem to be given pictures or glances of pictures that wind up on their blog and id be really interested in seeing my own little guys in the earliest stages. are they able to tell the gender of each blast? is that possible this early? i have no idea actually. i just wonder.

and my last random thoughts are about trying to give advice for anyone who does an egg retrieval. stay hydrated and rest, which is probably what your doctor will tell you,  but really, stay hydrated. yesterday i didn't drink enough water and/or gat.orade (i read online that a few women said they were told to drink 100 oz of gat.orade a day) and i felt like garbage. the bloating was so much worse, i was super uncomfortable. the egg retrieval itself is not bad at all, the following days aren't as wonderful, at least for me they werent.

wow this is long. felt good to get it all out though, just qotd left...
13. Describe your dream vacation. 
at this point in time id have to say that it would just be lovedove and i, on some magical 6 month excursion, in a crazy dream/bubble where we didnt miss our babies (fur and human) and we travel to a bunch of different destinations around the world. beaches/resorts, historic sites, party towns, jungles, desserts, big cities, places known for their natural beauty, etc. but i dont think we'd be staying at the ice hotel in sweden, but id love to go to sweden too. i know that is a very non-descript overview, but i guess i dont know what our dream vacation would be. my brain isn't focused enough to even try to formulate a more thought out answer at this point in time. maybe ill come back to this one to elaborate, one day.

2 days until transfer

so i keep forgetting to write about how uncomfortable/bloated i have been feeling since the retrieval. i guess i have been trying not to dwell on the negative, but its been pretty annoying. dr B said that i could potentially feel this way for approximately a week. im hoping it subsides sooner rather than later.

i feel like im in the 2ww already but these past 2/3 days have just been like practice waiting. lovedove leaves tomorrow am, and i really feel ilke ive just been avoiding the reality that she wont be here for the transfer/for 2.5 days after. its going to be very difficult emotionally. anyway....

qotd 12
what are you most looking forward to about biological parenthood?
i just want to experience pregnancy/baby movement/etc. i also kind of feel like becoming a biological parent will finally make me feel like a "real" mom. sometimes i doubt myself, like i know that im a great parent, but sometimes i just feel like im not as much of a parent as bio parents are, or something like that. its weird, they're awkward thoughts that i feel like i shouldnt even have. i hate the word should, it always implies fault/guilt.

qotd 11

no news to report today on the embies. re's office only called to say that we'd do a day 5 transfer on monday, and that they'd call on sunday to tell me what time. i asked about the embies, but the nurse who called had no info to relay. im pretty sure all is well and i should just try to be patient and ill find out in due time. tomorrow is our family day and we have an outdoor first birthday party to attend. hoping the weather holds up and it winds up being a nice day. lovedove's flight is bright and early on sunday and then we'll have to find some way to make it all the way to thursday afternoon without her here. ::sigh:: wish she was going to be with me on the day of the transfer, but im bringing a friend who has been very supportive throughout my process, and she had her own struggles when traveling down her own road to her daughter (birthday girl tomorrow :oD).

today was day 2 of the progesterone injections. they're not that bad but they make me pretty anxious right before. my heart pounds and the needle stings for a second but they're pretty tolerable overall. poor lovedove hates giving them to me but im glad she'll be able to do 3 of the 5. i think im going to attempt to do the last 2 myself. wish me luck with that.

qotd 11
where do you like to shop?
honestly im not much of a shopper in terms of clothing or shoes. i friggin love costco and target and baby stores. so any humongous store with a million different kinds of products is my kind of store.

one day past retrieval

we've got 14 eggs that have fertilized. by tomorrow afternoon we should know how many of those 14 are developing properly and they'll determine whether we're doing a saturday (day 3) transfer or a monday (day 5) transfer. im just over the moon that it seems like the baby i birth will be half related to Sofia. then if we get really lucky, with extra embryos, and in life to be financially able to think about a third baby, then my wife, could potentially carry my biological baby. how incredible would that be? that is much too far in the future to even think about right now.

right now im just thankful that we have some little baby embies starting to grow. this is like a dream come true for me/us. started all of my oral meds and i get to start my progesterone injections tonight. can you tell how excited i am for more intramuscular injections? they're not that bad, but subcutaneous ones are so much simpler.

onto the....

qoth #10
if you are not yet a parent/pregnant. what are you most and least looking forward to after your first beta?
im most looking forward to figuring out a potential due date(because i refuse to think about the due date until i know that i am certainly pregnant... even though i dont doubt that doctors may want to induce me early ...which i hope doesnt happen) but it all depends on how im doing with the betes. im least looking forward to becoming a complete lunatic about managing my diabetes in an even more controlled way than i did to prep for pregnant.

egg retrieval complete

this morning seemed to go as well as it could have.  Sofia's G-ma (my mother) arrived on time to allow us to leave on time, we were up and out of the house on time, we got to the clinic early, and they took me in to check my vitals pretty swiftly. we didnt realize that lovedove could come back and sit with me prior to the procedure, but after i read through about 2 magazines they brought her back so that she could bring me my insulin pump remote control as the anesthesiologist had asked if i had suspended my insulin, but i hadnt. so she came back and sat with me for the last 20 minutes before they took me in. then i was brought into the procedure room, laid down and got all prepped for a few minutes, and was out like a light pretty quickly. less than an hour later i was up and NOT feeling nauseous. thank God. ate some saltines, drank some Hi-C and i was out of there in about an hour. i was actually feeling good enough to head to IHOP (we rarely go but always  enjoy it as a treat when we do) but i have been significantly groggy. groggy like, when you're kind of drunk and your eyes move a little slower than your head when your head turns. i got chocolate chip pancakes, ate about half of them, and was pleasantly surprised with how much i enjoyed them, and again i was thanking my lucky stars that i was not feeling shitty and nauseous. lovedove drove us home and we cuddled on the couch when we got home.

(*somewhat angry/irritated side note that there is so much behind this next rant im not even going to go into it... my mother had to be here at 6.30. she was. i called her at 10 to let her know everything went well, she said she might go to costco to pick up her new glasses. that was the only part of her plan we were aware of. so when we returned home at 12, exactly when we told her we'd be home, she and Sofia weren't here. i figured maybe they had left late and were still out. i called about fifteen minutes ago as they're not home yet. she said she was giving the baby lunch at her place. communication is such a poor skill for my mother, why the hell cant she give me a heads up and just let me know wheres shes at? she always hijacks the baby. its very annoying that she doesnt know how to enjoy Sofia in a group. she and my father always seem to need like alone time to feel like they can bond with her. its strange and annoying. needless to say they are wonderful caring supportive grand/parents, but things like this drive myself and lovedove nuts.)

enough of that crap, the good news.

the doctor said they were able to retrieve 20 eggs. i am thrilled with that. im really hopeful that we'll have a few eggs fertilize and we'll have some to freeze in case we're not lucky the first time. he said that we are probably looking at a day 5 transfer, cant wait. today i must have said 5 times already to lovedove, "our next baby is (potentially) starting today". i just cant believe it. its amazing to finally be here. the doctor did give me a new prescription for a medication to take for the next week to try to prevent ohss, just because of the large number of eggs he was able to retrieve, not that my estrogen is up too high or anything. i love him, he's just so professional and wonderful and honest and nice.

on a crazy side note, arizona lawmakers are doing some crazy shit, recapped by my bro Stephen Colbert here. crazy, life begins at ovulation? come on now.

qotd 9
If you won the lottery what would you blow your money on (after charity and bills of course)? List 10 things you would buy or spend money on.
1. a house, this may never be financially possible for us in NY unless we win the lottery, which we dont play lol
2. cameras, id start with a dslr that ive been desiring for years, and then work my way up as i became a better photographer
3. TRAVEL - i've barely gone anywhere out of the US and i want to go anywhere/everywhere.
4. a gym membership
5. a new car or 2 tee hee
6. sports equipment, expensive softball bats, a basketball hoop, swimming equipment/waterproof mp3 player
7. a bigger tv, not huge, we're not like crazy electronics people
8. a new ipod
9. eating out/buying restaurant gift cards that way even when we got tired of eating out so often we could save the gift cards
10. a beach house in southern california
11. sex toys, they're just too damn expensive for how rarely they're employed but they are fun items, just couldnt leave them off the list

of course i would give some to family members, buy houses for family, etc, but these are like the frivolous purchases i would make. some of these may not seem like huge ticket items, but i feel like as a family, lovedove and i, (more me, she kind of doesnt have many materialistic desires other than clothes/shoes) kind of don't upgrade stuff that isnt necessary. like im sure you saw ipod and were like, well just go out and get one. the one i have is probably 7 years old but still kickin, and honestly i dont take the train to work anymore so i really dont need a new one, but if i had money to blow i'd get a new one. so i feel like my list seems really juvenile but it is what it is.

looking forward to posting the details as i get them in the next few days about the eggs/embryos etc. cant believe its finally my turn to blog about this stuff!

its almost 3pm and i miss my daughter, she still not back. arg.

 until tomorrow ladies :o)

the day before -the procedure before- the big day

no problem with trigger last night, did bloods this morning at the close office, then went over 10ish pages of directions, what to expect, medication instruction for the next 2.5 weeks. all the way up until my pregnancy blood test, currently scheduled for friday may 11th. holy guacamole batman, this is really going to happen. isnt it just "perfect" timing since the 11th is 2 days before mothers day?? yea, perfect if i wind up with a bfp, kind of devastating if i wind up with a bfn. ill either be intoxicated on happiness or alcohol come mothers day. whatever.

i feel like the fucking easter bunny with a basket full of eggs. if im not mistaken there are quite a few of them in there, and im looking forward to finding out exactly how many are in there. pretty sure my dr will tell lovedove by the time we leave the clinic tomorrow. im also looking forward to the "twilight" anesthesia they're going to give me. i hope i say a bunch of shit and wind up a lot less nauseous than i usually am after general anesthesia.

i took off tomorrow and thurs, as well as mon and tues of next week so that i can just try to clear my brain and rest my  body for this. clearly thats taking a moderate hit financially, but i feel like it might not be the worst thing to do. im going to try to just be as calm as i can be, especially since lovedove will be away from sunday to thurs. its going to be a rough few days but i know we'll get through it.

random side note, love that cbs is pushing the prime time lgbt sex/intimacy envelope on the good wife. i have quite the crush on kalinda. props to cbs, in case you want to read more about the exact scene. i absolutely love the sight of 2 women together, it doesnt even have to be sexual, i mean that scene is, but i just love seeing the love that i live, portrayed on a huge stage for everyone. its just so beautiful to me. anyway enough about me being a huge lesbian who loves women.

qotd 8
If an observant stranger were to talk into your home, what clues would lead them to believe that you have struggled with infertility?
currently there isnt anything really out except for the papers that i received today talking about pre and post retrieval, my medications list and instructions, etc. my medications are away in the closet, theres nothing marked on the calendar explicitly. another meh question. at least im keeping this up.

tonight is the night

...that i do the hcg trigger! im pretty over the moon about this as my egg retrieval is scheduled for weds morning at 8.30am which means that lovedove will be able to take the day off to accompany me. though i wish she was able to be around for both the retrieval and the transfer, i almost feel more happy that she's there on the day that im under anesthesia and feel like a zonked out looney. ive done inseminations without her presence before, and i know that this time they'd be putting an embryo into me instead of "just" some sperm, but im hoping that i dont feel super alone. im sure ill be fine.

im thrilled that my dr wants me to do the hcg as he is pretty thorough and if he was at all concerned about ohss im pretty sure he would have made the switch to lup.ron. tomorrow i am scheduled for bloods and to sit down with one of the nurses (not my regular, she's out of the office for a few days) to talk about the process and going forward after the retrieval.

i totally can not believe we are finally at this point of the journey. i haven't let my brain even think about the timing of things or the emotions of this part of the process and now its all hitting me. im actually feeling excited for the first time in a long time. ive tried to keep my emotions pretty steady and my head screwed on straight, and im feeling like im letting myself be hopeful again. im happy to feel this way. i just hope things go well from here on out. my highest hopes are obviously for a bfp on this first ivf cycle, but more realistically im hoping for a few fertilized embryos that make it long enough to be frozen that way if we're not successful the first time we can try again quickly and without having to do another round of stimulation. hoping hoping hoping.....

qotd.
what is in your make up bag?
cover up, powder, eyeliner, mascara, a few lip glosses, berts bees lip stuff, a tiny little lipstick that i almost never wear. i think thats it, im a pretty basic/minimalist makeup person. boooring.

day 8, question 6

it was back out to the far away location today, but instead of going alone i was accompanied by lovedove and sofia, which im so happy about. i tend not to hear things clearly/misinterpret things often when im nervous about stuff, so lovedove was able to have the doctor clarify what he was saying because she saw on my face i had misunderstood. he looked at the many many follicles and when he was done with the sono he basically did the good doctor thing and expressed his concerns about ohss. he broke it down into numbers for me and said that they begin to get concerned when your estrogen level reaches 4,000, and as of yesterday my level was about 1,000. after my blood results came back today, they had only gone up to 1,633, when it could potentially double each day that you do stimulation medication. so he broke it down and said that if my estrogen starts to spike too quickly and all of the follicles aren't mature enough to do the retrieval yet, we would have to cancel the cycle. and with all of these numbers flying around he had said something about 50/50, and i thought that meant only a 50% chance of getting gaining any kind of ground with this cycle, ie getting mature eggs/follies out creating embryos and freezing them, or going through with the full ivf cycle. when he clarified, he says that he thinks with about 80-90% certainty that we should be able to wind up with one of those two desired outcomes. the 50/50 was about which kind of trigger i'm doing, lup.ron or hcg. so when we left the appointment i was kind of concerned that he even addressed ohss, because i really dont even want to think about it as something that could happen, but after i got my estrogen level from the lady who called from the office, i kind of felt better. ohss isnt a major concern at this point in time, at least not at this exact moment. i'm hoping it stays that way.

dr. b also said that i might only need another day or two of the meds if we wind up avoiding the ohss issue. my hopes are resting on just one or two more days of the meds so that lovedove can take a day off of work and be there with me for the retrieval. that.would.be.amazing. its really odd when life throws you these crazy curveballs. she has never been offered to go on a business trip, ever, in 7 years of teaching and her opportunity comes now? its very odd. life is crazy.

qotd
How did you pick your RE?
we didn't really pick him, our gynecologist referred us to two RE's. we looked online at the two, one seemed like a small independent dr and we weren't sure what insurances she would take, and Long Island IVF seemed like a well established, well oiled baby making location(i know that makes it sound like a factory, but they really take their time with you, its much more personal than my description would infer), where they took our insurance and boasted great stats. we loved dr. b from the first visit. he's got the greatest demeanor and is a pretty straight shooter when he's concerned about something. i was just so glad that we clicked with him as much as we did. he was very welcoming to us as a same sex couple and he made us feel comfortable from the start. truly, how could we not love him, he got lovedove pregnant in her first cycle. that was pure magic.

question 5, day 7

so i went out to the far away location today, had my bloods and sono done. seems like my body is responding well, i think its questionable whether its responding too well. they told me this morning that they might want to change my trigger from an hcg to Lupron. once i relayed this info to lovedove, she jumped on the new laptop and said that she thinks the reason why they would do that (because they didnt say anything more than they might decide to change it) is to prevent ohss. so it may just be a precautionary thing, or they might actually be a bit concerned that i might be over responding. my dr did the sono this morning so i felt kind of reassured that he's up to date on the details of my progress. he's such a nice doctor, im so glad we like him as much as we do. so it seems that so far on the left, he measured 5 follies on the right(bad side with the endometriomas) and he measured at least 10 follies on the left, and then said that there were multiple smaller follies in addition to those on the left as well. so we'll see, he predicted a few more days of injections and also said i might have to go back tomorrow. clearly not what id like to do with my sunday morning, but im like a slave to that place. i dont care what they tell me to do, ill do it.

on a somewhat sad note, today is almost definitely my last basketball game of the season, we have to win today to make it to the playoffs(we won i drafted this part prior to the game), and i may either have already had my retrieval or maybe ill be having it that day. saturday would actually be my preferred day if i had any say in the whole thing (which i clearly dont lol) because lovedove will still be here and will actually be able to come with me. thurs and fri dont work for her due to obligations at her job and on sunday morning she's gone. so its not looking good for us to be together at the retrieval. obviously not the way we want it to go, but just one of those things that we have absolutely no control over. i try not to stress over things i have no control over.

QOTD #5
List 15 facts about yourself.


1. i don't drink soda (without alcohol in it). i was never a soda drinker even when i was little. i hated the "bubbles" as a kid. the beverage i drink most is water.
2. i love musicals, rent, les mis, wicked, grease, west side story, white christmas, etc.
3. im super nosy, i used to go through my friend's wallets in high school, on a pretty regular basis. of course id ask first.
4. i am the female version of my father, both looks wise and  personality wise.
5. i love sweets, not the best trait for a diabetic, but i take super good care of myself (ie timing my insulin)
6. i used to have a very bland diet and was a super picky eater, until i met my wife, who opened my eyes to the vast range of the culinary world.
7. i love swimming and was a lifeguard for a few years at the pool i spent every summer at while growing up.
8. i am not a reader, at all. i wish i was, it makes me feel unintelligent that im not.
9. i'm the youngest person in all of our circles of friends.
10. i was a "late bloomer". i had absolutely no boobs until the end of 8th grade, then they got kind of large.
11. im a "gold star" lesbian ::wink:: and i was my wife's first kiss, etc, etc.
12. my wife says i always think that irrational things are going to happen, hence i kind of hate super scary movies.
13. i had a teddy bear my entire life. he was furless and decrepit by the time i was like 12, i slept with him as a pillow forever until my wife made me put him in a bedside drawer. then disa got a hold of him, he's a stuffingless sack now that i dont even know where he is. whoops lol, at least its progress.
14. i would LOVE to one day open up a pitbull rescue that teams with a local school/youth center for "high risk" kids to work at so that they can simultaneously learn responsibility, feel important, and nurture shelter animals.
15. i absolutely love music, listening to it, dancing to it, there's almost nothing better.

well hopefully that wasn't too boring. im sure ill think of another 15 things that would have been cooler to write in the next 2 days, but i guess this stuff will have to do.

day 5, question 3

so last night i got out of work a little bit early, got home, changed, washed my face, and sat down for dinner a good 30 minutes prior to my usual after work routine. i was so thrown off by my irregular timing that i almost forgot to do my injection! thank God lovedove remembered. then i kind of freaked out because i had been so good the two previous nights about doing them at the same time of night, but this was only off by, you guessed it, about 30 minutes. im sure it was no big deal, but i couldnt believe that i had completely forgotten about it. whatever. (yes, im aware that i say/type whatever a lot. ive noticed it so much more since i started blogging)

this morning's bloods and ultrasound went well. they actually did a full physical on me today, and i was like, uh whats up with this? they said its just routine that every so often they do one. didnt bother me i was just surprised. then my assigned nurse did my sonogram. we always chit chat through the process and s through this
he wasnt saying anything but i could tell that she was measuring the follicles. then i asked if i was responding to the meds and she said i was. she didnt tell me how many follicles she saw, but she did say that there were a few, and more on the side without the endometriomas, and she also said that they were all small, but about the same size. so i think that was a positive report. guess i dont have to worry about ohss, so thats good. sometimes when i read other women's blogs i feel like they have so much more information than i do after their appointments, but i almost feel like more information would make me crazier, and i really trust them at my RE's office. so now im just waiting for my instructions as to how to proceed over the next few days with meds, and when i need to come back into the office.

i want this cycle to be the one that works so badly. ive been having trouble keeping my thoughts on the positive side through this whole process just due to the fact that we started off on the wrong foot, and there has been so much shit in the way, so ive started trying to force positive thoughts into my brain every night before i go to bed. my new nightly mantra is:

i will get pregnant.
i will stay pregnant.
i will have a healthy pregnancy.
i will birth a healthy baby.

i actually think it is helping to calm my brain at night and i feel like im falling asleep faster, which is good, because Sofia isn't sleeping through the night much anymore. we think her teeth are bothering her and she's chewing on stuff constantly. AND she was doing so well with bed time teeth brushing for a while (we're trying to start healthy habits early) she would chew on her toothbrush, then would let one of us get the teeth in the back and the front too, but lately its a fight almost every night. poor thing, teething is no fun.

enough of this, time for the qotd.

what is in your handbag?
my bag has always been a catchall. in my bag right now: my diabetes "pack"/large makeup bag (holds my 2 devices, strips, lancets, finger pricker, alcohol prep pads, a small container of sugar, insulin, travel sharps container, glucagon), ponytail holders, a pill bottle with assorted pain relievers, an extra omnipod, feminine products, my glasses in their hard case, my little makeup bag for makeup, a pen, some loose change, and a little container of cheerios. my bag is always heavy, and usually with me the bigger my bag is, the more shit i shove into it.

settling into the new plan

last night was our ivf orientation meeting. luckily for lovedove and i, we google a lot of crap and are pretty informed about the process so there was not that much new information. i liked the woman that presented and the crowd wasn't huge. we were the only same sex couple there but there was also a young woman who we assumed(yes i know what happens when you assume) was there with her mother because they had the same exact face, so she seemed to be the other "non-traditional" participant or whatever. i was certainly the youngest because at 28 who the hell would think you need ivf? im still shocked that this is my best option because i never thought i'd have this much trouble.

 it was a 2 hour session which didnt feel too long because this woman provided a ton of information in her presentation and sent us all home with a hard copy so that we didnt feel like we needed to write every little detail down. im a bit intimidated by the packet of consent forms, as there are about a million of them. i havent read any of the ones in the packet yet, but im sure ill have to sign off on the fact that im ready and willing to endure whatever horrible side effects/medical mishaps may come. i love that, reminds me of when we signed the papers that determine who gets Sofia should we both die simultaneously in some freak accident. although the woman did discuss the ART (assisted reproductive technology) boarding pass, which includes the participant deciding what happens to any frozen embryos in the event of her death. we had a very brief conversation about that in the car on the way to dinner afterwards, id want her to use my eggs/embryos, or at least to have the option to do so. she said she'd have no idea if she'd be strong enough to do that, but at least she'd have the option. so morbid, ugh.

i think we left feeling ok overall. we waited around to see if i had been "cleared" yet to begin, and she said she thinks that she just got an email today that i was cleared. once you're cleared you get assigned a nurse who is like your buddy through the whole process. im in (medical provider professional) love with Gail so im crossing my fingers for her. she has known the answer to every question ive ever asked her. i hope that any other nurse who shares her position would be just as good. my other medical provider professional crush is on sharon, i think that was her name. working closely with either of them would make me overjoyed and probably a lot more calm. i should hear from someone by the end of the week.

so i have a ton of phone calls to make today. i have to call my insurance company and figure out what the fuck is up with my injectables coverage, as we have it, but they've never paid for fucking anything. clearly im angry about this. im crossing my fingers that i get on the phone with an intelligent person who can tell me whats up, and im dreading the fact that im pretty sure they are going to say i need to use freedom fertility (my history with them is summed up here). whatever it is, ill have to deal with, so hopefully one way or another i get some answers today.

tomorrow is my appointment with the diabetes in pregnancy center. im assuming, yes i assume kind of often, that they are going to make me repeat my bloods, 24 hour urine, and ekg. i plan on telling them how disappointed i am in the way they've handled my "case" thusfar (can be read here) and im sure ill be calm and polite but get my point across. i actually think im very good at expressing frustration and disappointment in a very professional way. its probably because i work with underachieving (codeword for LAZY) teenagers constantly and ive had terrible bosses in the past. but im not really looking forward to that appointment for any other reason than to be able to check it off of my to-do list, and add whatever tasks they want me to complete. i really work so well off lists. my brain isnt organized enough to make a mental list, i honestly need it on paper. then i actually need to be able to cross stuff off. its a very dumb thing, but i feel like i havent accomplished stuff until i can cross it off a list. the same way that i feel the need to put a slash through each day on my calendars. i feel like thats weird.

anyway, i may as well get going on those phone calls, they aren't going to dial themselves.

oh the last thing i want to address. i think ive had it with the secrecy of this process. what is the point of me trying to hide this from people who are significant to me in day to day life? why should i shield them from the crap that is my infertility struggle? i feel like im only perpetuating society's hush hush crap about personal struggles. i think im going to tell my close coworkers, as they've been asking me whats wrong (when i show up all puffy eyed at 4pm), and tell my mom she can spread the word in the family. im hoping they'll all have and use adequate judgement and wont ask me where im at every other day, i hope im not giving them too  much credit. i should probably spell out that ill tell them stuff when i want to/need to, and would rather not have them ask randomly. yea ill probably do that.

 im pretty sure that my cousin had some fertility issues but everyone only whispered about it. she/they wound up with fraternal twins, my mind has always wondered about how that happened. if her stuff had been more public, maybe i could have found solace in talking to her through this. i dont want to be another person who's trouble with reproducing is something to be kept quiet. yet again, ill have to advocate for another subgroup of the population that i (involuntarily) belong to. i know that not everyone wants to share their stories all the time, but i think i do, and im ready to break out of my blogging-only-silence.

how have all of you handled this?

really? really though...

just got back from my water sonogram and guess what?! more surgery is needed. honest to God. am i not supposed to have children? are all of these obstacles God saying to me " hey lady, you're a lesbian for a reason"? i am so discouraged and so angry, i almost cant believe it.

today's discovery is that i have 1 or 2 uterine polyps. the water sonogram was absolutely fine. i was pretty nervous about it, its just more wet than a regular sonogram. no additional discomfort. no additional time. i was glad about that. i was worried for nothing. that hardly ever happens in this fucking tale im telling.

my question is... why the fuck didnt we do this simple test earlier?? how about before the first surgery? how about after it? how about any other fucking time other than 6 months into my actual ttc process?? it was so damn simple, why the hell didnt we do this test earlier? as some of you may know, ive been planning this pregnancy (whenever it happens) for a year now. i have cried so many tears, spent a boatload (for us) of $ in copays/injections/sperm/my surgery deductible, spent a whole lot of fucking time/gas/energy going to and from all of my monitoring/inseminations/procedures, and im fucking tired. and now im angry too. not a good combo. im so upset that if i could call out of work tonight i probably would, but i have a really important session with a client and her dad tonight and i would feel terrible if i cancelled last minute. they'll just have to look at me all puffy eyed and gross. whatever. plus i need all of the income i can get at this point, and unfortunately in the part time/fee for service world, if there is no "service" proveded, i get no dinero. speaking of dinero, we joked about naming a potential son Dinero, or even Cash after all of this. (i hope you know we're joking, as much as we wouldnt want to name our potential son something very overdone and tired, we would not be naming him either of those two, even though it would be hysterical).

my brain is just becoming so jaded. sometimes i feel like many of the blogs i follow are ones i can barely relate to anymore bc everyone is getting pregnant (trust me im very happy for them, but im also just very jealous). and i feel like im facing so many obstacles just getting pregnant, that im scared for what will happen when i actually do get pregnant. like all of these negative "what if"s in my head keep happening, how am i supposed to have good energy going forward when i have a history like this?

i feel like today's only silver lining is that we had already learned last week that april was going to be another skipped month. im hoping that this is the final hurdle on my path to getting pregnant. i have barely googled anything about it yet, but the procedure seems to be a d&c and many women talk about little to no recovery time. i hope i can be like them. im so tired of crying angry/sad tears. for the record i dont actually cry that much over this stuff, its usually just reactionary crying, and then some tears when wifey and i discuss it. she has been so supportive throughout this whole ordeal. even when i get upset about the money of this whole thing, she insists i have to carry our next baby. i dont know what i would do without her support. i also dont know what i would do if Sofia wasnt the cutest, sweetest, most well behaved 18 month old ive ever met. shes been an angel through all of my car rides to/from appts and she almost always sits quietly in her stroller while medical professionals place various objects in my vagina. one day when shes old engouh, ill embarrass the hell out of her with these stories, hopefully her little brother or sister will laugh along with us.

"i like to keep my issues drawn, its always darkest before the dawn."
ill have to shake it out and keep on trucking.

ivf it is

got the call yesterday that my insurance company has approved ivf for me. yay!! they have however denied icsi, and assisted hatching. i have a lot of trouble with how expensive this whole process is going to be despite having wonderful amazing insurance coverage, we're not a family that makes a ton of money. we're a duo made up of a public school teacher and a part time social worker. we do have a little money on the side, saved specifically for family creation, so, um, so there i guess. i know ill get over the money of it very soon, because i am well aware that i just need to focus all of my thoughts on super prepping for pregnancy now, its just a hard pill to swallow. my wife's process was the simplest, fastest, easiest thing ever. i just feel like the one who costs our family all of this time and money. but, alas, this is something that is non negotiable for me. i want to experience a pregnancy, and birth a baby more than anything in this world, and if this is the road we need to go down to get there, then so be it. ivf it is.

with that im off to start on the to-do list my doctor gave me last night when we spoke. i need to (unfortunately) get back in touch with the diabetes in pregnancy program that has already given me so much frustration, because he wants me to get their clearance again. its been 4-6 months since they did any evaluation of my physical health. so i have to call and make an appt and i guess eventually ill voice my gripes about feeling abandoned with the lack of follow up. i wish there was another place to turn to, but i refuse to go into Manhattan as i know ill be visiting often once i am pregnant. the only other option is even further away from home than this place is, and i dont want to be hauling sofia longer distances than i need to.

next i need to get cleared with the billing dept at my doctor's office, and sign up for an ivf orientation, which is only offered tuesday nights, at their far away location, at 6pm. at least it will be a night off from work for me. whatever. i need to do what i need to do.

so those are the things on my do to do list. did i mention i lost my wallet over the weekend? yea, shoot me. such a pain in the ass to cancel all of my credit cards, order new medical insurance cards, and sort out my bank stuff. no fun at all.

oh yea, almost forgot today is valentines day!  Happy Valentines Day everyone! Sofia and i are going to have lunch with my Dad, Sofia's "Pops", in a few so i better get her down to nap soon. 


** if you are not up for really bad news do not continue. i dont mean to end this (Valnetines day) post on such a sad note, but this broke my heart.


 heard the saddest news every on friday night, about kaci & cory from the real L word. my wife and i both cried, more than once. what a horrifying story. my heart goes out to them and i hope that time and support helps them find a way to heal and try to put their lives back together. the details of their tragic loss is chronicled here(their blog). there simply are no words that fit a situation like theirs. my heart just breaks for them.

skipping a month sucks

my brain wasnt working when i posted earlier this week (besides the fact that my posts have been somewhat unorganized and crappy lately, not that they're ever that good, im just saying) i was thinking that i wasn't ovulating until next week. well thanks to my ewcm, im well aware that i am probably ovulating today and ive just kind of been a little bummed about it. dont get me wrong, im happy that my body ovulates on its own, im aware some women need assistance just to get their bodies to ovulate, but i guess i was doing so well at distracting myself that the physical reminders of where im at in my cycle are just taking their toll on my mood a bit. this is usually such an exciting time in the cycle bc its usually insemination time. i feel like im just so used to being optimistic and hopeful around now. sigh.

im still waiting to hear back from the doctor about what the insurance company has said regarding my situation. its hard to wait, but i feel like im getting better at waiting since ive practiced so much in the last few months. sofia has been keeping me on my toes as usual, but a little more now since she is realizing that now has the ability/balance to run. i always wonder how old she'll be when our next baby joins the family, and how ill manage to juggle the both of them at home during the day by myself. but i guess as sofia gets older, she'll only get more independent. a few people in my family have been able to juggle multiple small children under the age of 3, so i've certainly seen it done first hand, its just an intimidating thought for me.

i really feel like this week has flown since i took monday off, and i havent really left the house much this week. sometimes i get so lazy, plus we just got a new cable provider so all i want to do is check out all of our new channels and watch movies. i really try not to put the tv on much at all during the day with sofia around. we watch an hour of sesame street and then i turn it off. sofia and disa are starting to play more with eachother which is awesome, because that means sofia will torture disa less(aka bother her/chase her away whenever disa has found a nice comfy spot on one of the couches). hoping the weekend flies by too.

getting our taxes done in hopes that by using a professional we'll be able to get the adoption tax credit  we are legally entitled to. then heading to a distant cousin's basketball game, havent seen her since she was little but she's apparently a big star on the local high school womens basketball circuit. she actually just committed to the University of Pennsylvania which is a division 1 ivy league school so it sounds like she did pretty damn well for herself. i wish we could have stayed in touch while she was growing up but there was a LOT of family friction both before and after my grandmother died, and once she was gone our connection to this little cousin was too. but hoping to see her and share some smiles. clearly im excited to see her in action.

then having lunch with a friend who i havent seen regularly since hs. my 10 year reunion is in march and there are so many reasons not to go, but i feel like i should. we'll see. obviously im having some anxiety about that.

anyway, it stinks that i dont have much fertility/progress news, but hopefully i will have something to talk about soon.

so glad that ladies who have gotten their bfps are doing just great in their pregnancies. reading their stories is keeping a smile on my face and hopeful/optimistic thoughts in my head.

morning tears

no, not happy ones unfortunately. its 8am and ive been crying on and off for an hour. clearly cycle three is a bust. and all i can think is wtf. my boobs were so sore which never happens to this extent and my period is days early. an early period, on clomid? are you shitting me? i feel like a fucking fool. i keep thinking im pregnant and im not. I got my hopes up so high yesterday bc yesterday was 11dpo, and i thought i had implantation bleeding. yes i realized it was a little out of the 7-10dpo window, but i chalked that up to everybody's body being different. getting my period early was not even on my radar of possibilities. so i spotted very lightly all day, pink and brown like everyone says, and today, well at 4 am when i got up to pee, red. fuck. my. life.

please do not mistake my disappointment/sadness/anger as me taking what i already have for granted. i am thankful every single day to have a beautiful family with a perfect little girl for a daughter who is happy and healthy and everything we could have asked for. and i am also well aware that many women travel a crazy long road to get to motherhood, im just so tired already. i've been crazy on top of my sugar since last april. i started my prepregnancy consults in may/june with diabetes in pregnancy specialists, who have since kind of fallen off/out of touch which personally pisses me off. like where is the follow up? why did you not refill my prescription for my prenatals when it was sent to you? what, should i be pregnant already? is it taking too long for you? i feel like these people have forgotten about me completely. yes i know im not pregnant yet, but have they given me a call to see where im at? i understand that they  have a caseload of women already in high risk pregnancies, but i matter too. just pick up the phone and ask me how its going you fuckers, or better yet just fill my rx refill request.
im tired of having my bloods drawn, im tired of worrying about developing more cysts, im tired of endovaginal sonograms, im tired of having to get my baby girl up early to get in the car and drive to monitoring appts, im tired of driving, tired of getting my hopes up to be let down, tired of keeping this a secret from so many people but i really dont want them to know about all of the failures in the moment. god damn im sad today. i just feel like a fool. i feel like somebody died and i feel stupid for feeling that way.

gonna lean on my other mommy friends who had some trouble today. already feeling a little better after texting with one of them. she reminded me that everything happens for a reason, and i truly believe that. i have to remind myself of that. that quote is something that will help me to find peace with each setback. but now there is so much more thinking to do.

what do we do with the last vial we have in storage?
does my body hate this sperm?
should we sell it back to the bank and try to look for a new guy? (which would throw the possibilities of our children being genetically half siblings... something we really wanted)
do i do the next cycle with the one vial we have left, as one last chance and then look for someone else?
will that just be another waste of time and money?
i just want to be pregnant right now.

the only thing that stopped me from waking up in tears is that i had a dream that we dropped Disa (the dog) off at the vet for some small routine procedure, and when i went to pick her up, they gave her body to me in a plastic shopping bag and didnt even explain how she died. it was a very very strange dream. i dont even think i cried in the dream because nothing made sense. and the crazy part is that i take her to a shelter/clinic that i worked at where i know and trust the doctors. it was so strange, i guess in my dream i almost knew it couldnt be real. when i woke up, there she was, laying right next to me, in between my wife and i. she was snoring her snout off, and keeping us cozy and warm. i hugged her a little closer to me even though i cant stand her snooring. i love this face so much!

just got off the phone with my loving wife, and the more i talk about it the more if feel blindsided. i just wasnt emotionally ready to have an answer yet. i thought for sure i would have a longer cycle  bc i did last time on the clomid. i really thought i was pregnant this time. and ive been reading so many blogs with lovely ladies getting their bfps and posting sonos, i really thought it was some wonderful wave that i could catch. i guess its just not my time yet.

gonna just have to grieve this one and try to move forward. will prob listen to this (Grey Street by Dave Matthews Band) a bunch today. my favorite song of theirs and pretty on point today. wishing i didnt relate so much to the lyrics, but trying to understand its just part of the road i have to travel right now....

9 dpiui/dpo

clearly no news as i am sticking to my word to not test until i'm actually late. my boobs have been sore but they were sore last cycle too, pretty sure its the clomid. the clomid definitely gives me pretend early symptoms like sore boobs, irritability, etc. ive also been eating a ton, but im pretty sure im just eating my stress.

in a week, at this time of day, i may or may not know anything. based on last cycle's extended length, im guessing that if i dont have any spotting by the end of next monday, then i'll test on tuesday with fmu. i truly just feel like its unbelievable how much i (and every other woman ttc) want to be pregnant. some women have absolutely no desire to be birth mothers at all, and for me, there is nothing else in the world that i want more. i've done all i can to get my diabetes under crazy control, i've given in to fate, i know i have no control over anything else, and i know that when everything is right, it will happen. im just so terrible at waiting. our last 2ww seems like a piece of cake compared to this one bc we had family visiting from out of state, holidays to celebrate, etc. this one is just dragging. literally dragging. ug, good thing i have work, and an exciting weekend ahead to get me through the last of it.

this saturday ill be going to see Stick Fly, a new play on Broadway. We're not much of theater goers, but only because we cant afford to be. we love seeing shows and my mother in law bought us tickets for my birthday (2/6). so im really excited about that. speaking of my birthday, my friends are going to be very surprised if i do nothing for my birthday, im usually quite excited about getting a little more tipsy than i should to celebrate my birth. whatever, if this cycle winds up with a bfn, ill just see who is available that friday night and see who wants to throw a couple back, and if i wind up with a bfp (wouldnt that be incredible?!) then ill just say im too tired and i have a cold or some crap like that. really unrealistic for me, but whatever.

so my wife told me yesterday that she thinks im pregnant but has been trying to not say anything to me bc she doesnt want to get our hopes up. when i asked her why she thinks that, she simply said that when she thinks of me lately at work she just feels happy(-happier than usual i guess? i would hope she feels happy when she thinks about me, sheesh). so im going to try to ride that happy little vibe all the way into next week.

keeping my fingers, and toes, and eyes crossed.

3dpiui

so its super early in the game this cycle. pretty much just beginning my 2ww. feelin normal as usual, trying not to think about having to wait to test. ive also decided that I WILL NOT test before im late for my period. ive tortured myself enough in the past 2 cycles. its really unnecessary. especially last time with the faint positives only to wind up not pregnant.

weird thing happened yesterday. my sugar was out of control. and when i say out of control, i mean even for a person who has loose control over their diabetes. i have no idea what the f was up. i went high after breakfast, egg w salsa and yogurt with pineapple. bolused, walked around brooklyn for a bit. still high, did a crapload of insulin and waited 30  minutes before eating my lunch, nothing. still high as a kite. i was high all day until about 9pm. my highest blood sugar yesterday was 371. i havent been over 250 in about 6 months for even one hour, nevermind several hours over 350. i have no idea wtf happened, but my body just would not breakdown the sugars. i was so insulin resistant for all of those hours and i have no idea why. it was so frustrating. luckily the night was fine, no hypos or hypers. just stayed in healthy range. woke up at 83. hoping i stay in range today.

anyway... happily continuing to read other people's success stories. trying to stay optimistic. i keep telling myself that math is on my side this cycle. at this point ive done 5 iuis so if the success rate is approx 20% then i should be in the running more than usual. (im completely aware that is not the way to apply the 20% success rate to multiple iuis, but i dont care). staying positive and getting on with my days.

wishing i knew of other type 1s tcc. we seem to be such a small subgroup. and as ive already stated, im pretty sure im the only lesbian type 1 diabetic tcc(clearly i know im not actually the only one, it just feels like it). im definitely the only one writing about it. wishing more ladies would start sharing their stories.

ill just keep reading everyone's stories anyway.

my a_s hurts

but only on the right side. that was the side we picked for the hcg (trigger) intramuscular injection. that side got it as a punishment for letting things go wrong with the endometriosis, which caused the blocked right fallopian tube. verall the injection was nearly painless, i almost couldnt believe it. but today, im sure it was done in the right place. my wife was kind enough to give me a kiss before she administered the injection. i think she was more scared that i was. it was a funny ordeal. today i just have some constant but pretty mild soreness.

with that being said, we did our first of two iuis this morning. tomorrow is the next one. really trying to think positive and force fate to coincide with my plans this cycle, but we all know we cant force anything here. with my wife and baby at my side, Gail at Long Island IVF worked her magic again with a speedy insemination. did i mention how much i fell in love with her during our december tries? she did both inseminations and she ran the cold metal speculum under warm water for a few seconds. what a difference!

silly me trying to sit down and type a post while Sofia is up. shes currently emptying her dresser drawers. thank you hunny.

so anyway crossing my fingers and toes that this cycle will be the one. happy friday and happy weekend everyone.

stressed before try #3

you know what they say... 3rd times a charm. (ill have to look up why they say that.) went in for my first morning of bloods and monitoring today, cd 12. took 50 mg clomid days 5-9, same as last time. whats different about this time, is this big long frustrating story.

our insurance has never covered the Ovidrel trigger shot at our local pharmacy. I called my insurance company and asked them which pharmacy i would have to go through in order to have the best chance of them covering it. They told me Freedom Fertility. So I call. The call was great, the woman I spoke to was super nice. Ovidrel, no problem she said. The cost $95 at most, even if the insurance doesn't cover one penny, with FedEx 2 day shipping. Sounds fabulous right? The woman told me if the cost was more than a small copayment, she would call to let me know. Yea, it sounded great. I thought I was getting the shot I am used to (subcutaneous) at a better price, delivered to my door. Nope. Yesterday I finally get the package. When I open my huge FedEx box I'm surprised to see a syringe with a huge needle and 2 vials (which means ill have to mix the sterile water from one vial with the powder in the other and then draw it up into the syringe). Now, lets not forget, I'm an insulin dependent diabetic. I'm not queasy about needles, I have to poke myself multiple times per day despite my CGM and pump requirements a few times per week. So I start reading. The insurance company likes to cover the HCG injection as opposed to Ovidrel. I'm thinking, fine, i have no problem with generics. Then i get to the part where the booklet tells me its an intramuscular injection. This means I'll have to have my wife stab me in the ass with a 2 inch needle. Then i see that my "copayment" was $110. Are you shitting me? My local pharmacy charges me $112. All of this extra step crap, and not what i asked for, to "save" me $2? What a pain in my ass (soon, literally). I'm so pissed. Besides the fact that they never called me to inform me of the higher cost. whatever, thats that. i dont want to think about this anymore.

so now im all nervous because i dont really want to think about what the next step(s) will be if this try is unsuccessful. it seems like the to-do list will be immense in terms of securing more sperm. i just dont even want to think about it. ill just keep reading blogs of people who are/have been successful in their attempts and hope that i get to share my own joy on here soon.