to be jolly... um yea, usually. this holiday season is super strange to me. i'm not going to lie, i've been half dreading it. i feel so conflicted with my emotions its crazy. its even hard for me to figure out which emotion "weighs" more in my mind, our first christmas without my MiL or Laila's 1st Christmas. fuck, i'm not even sure its going to feel like christmas without being full of amazing food, wine, and family joy at my MiL's apartment, which doesn't exist to our family anymore because she isn't here with us. it feels like we spent 2/3 of every holiday season at her apartment every year for the last 15 years of my life. there was/is nothing like her house at the holidays. always decorated with home made decorations from years past, always holiday cookies that only get baked once a year, always amazing aromas from the kitchen, always peace- just sitting around with family, stuffing our faces, laughing, watching movies, doing a big puzzle, in our pjs, for days. her house at the holidays is the physical/emotional representation of the "warm wishes" im sending to everyone at christmas time. what the fuck do we do now? have stuff here, yea, but its just not the same. we dont have the extra space that she did (at least not right now), we dont have her holiday humor (a box full of pine needles that had fallen off of the tree decorated with gifts cut out of magazines because she didn't get around to gift shopping one year), we dont have her.
and it fucking blows and im angry and sad about it. laila and my MiL did not get to spend a single birthday together, like in person, together. when laila was born my MiL was not feeling great so she didn't get to meet her until we came home from the hospital. she was in the room, watched and helped to bring Sofia into this world. my MiL's birthday passed last weekend, clearly no together time there. not one christmas, not one new years. there are so many things that laila won't have with her its atrocious. im so sad for all the gramma times laila did/will miss out on, but i am ever so grateful that they had the time that they did together. there were many times when my MiL would just hold Laila for hours while she slept in her arms. many times that that laila was a little fussy pants and only a belly down nap on gramma's lap was the only solution. they shared a lot of smiles and hugs and kisses and im so thankful for that. im just so mad that she was taken from us. so mad and so devastated. and so mad. not to mention watching lovedove grieve in new ways on different days all the time. my. heart. is. broken.
sooooooo, how the hell do i get excited for christmas? laila's first no less. ugh, i just feel like we're half assing it, but truly the kids won't remember. well sofia might because she's some kind of remarkable remember-er, but whatever. we decorated over the last week, incorporated my MiL's decorations and ornaments into our home. the dog was weird the whole time because of the smells of my MiL's house. i talked to Disa about losing her when it happened, but who knows what she understood. i just dont want her to feel like we're keeping her from getting to her gramma. maybe gramma will visit her in her puppy dreams. ugh even the dog is grieving, god help us.
this upcoming week is a busy one. last night was the P!nk concert with lovedove. p!nk is fucking amazing and beautiful and wonderful and the show was unbelievable. the show was at the Barcl.ays center in brooklyn, which is almost in our backyard. not even 30 minutes door to door, made going to a sunday night concert that much easier. weds is my company holiday party, thurs is the rehearsal dinner for my friend's wedding, saturday is the wedding in ct (which i'm in - and i dont even know if i've mentioned that on here bc i never post anymore. long story short, im thrilled to be a bridesmaid, feel like i didn't fulfill my bridal party duties that well due to everything that was going on, and i don't love my dress - but it doesn't matter because i would have walked down the isle in a lobster costume if she asked me to). since the wedding is in ct, we are staying in a hotel, the kids are going to be with my parents. we were thrilled and planning on checking out late, taking our time coming home and retrieving our kids, until we found out that sofia's first little dance recital is the next morning at 11:30am. god help me. the things we do for our kids. except my mom. i asked her to come and sleep here so that i dont have to pack up the two kids stuff, plus the dog stuff, plus recital stuff. no, she has to have the sleepover at her house. i begged her, twice, to just come here to make it easier..... nope. im thankful that shes watching the kids, yes, but my children are wonderful kids and generally not too challenging for any babysitter so im pretty sure that we could have found alternative caregivers. whatever, she'll learn when i start giving away opportunties to watch my kids to other people who are willing to work with me to make things as simple as possible for everyone involved.
anyway this is not a very festive post but i guess i needed to rant a bit. i hope we can make this christmas a happy one for the kids, and im sure it will be good enough for them. im just not sure what it will be like for us, the grown ups. on top of all of that im scared of getting christmas presents from others for the kids. our apt is busting at the seams since we took in a lot of my MiL's stuff and we haven't been able to get rid of baby toys yet bc laila is just starting to play with the large in size items (baby stroller/activity table/etc). lovedove inherited some money from her mom, we're going to try to buy a house in the neighborhood, so we might have some more room in the near future but that doesn't mean i want to fill up any and all new space. i cant wait until we can throw some stuff out.
anyway heres some stuff about the kids and then ill end this, apparently i was in need of some venting...
sofia.. now 3yrs3months old, loves making up little songs, dancing, being the boss and telling people what to do, making little jokes ("hey.. who turned out the lights??" every time i put a shirt over her head to un/dress her - that joke gets old reallllly fast), loves cooking with mommies, loves telling people what is going on or what happened just before they arrived or what the plan for what's next is. she loves "laila baby" and playing with her. oh and her attitude is a little crazy sometimes. sometimes you ask her why she did something and she will just shrug her shoulders. or test the boundaries like crazy, holy moly she gets me mad sometimes.
laila... now 11 months old loves smiling, "dancing", and snuggling. she loves musical (baby/toy) instruments, eating, and also trying to be the boss. her favorite thing to do is crawl over to the dog's bowl and try to get her hands in the food or water. i tell her no, she stops, gets herself into a sitting position, shakes her head "no", and then proceeds to the bowls. i get up, move her back to the living room carpet, and the process begins again and again. she cries, yells, and sometimes lays herself down on the floor to throw a pathetic angry tantrum at the end of 5 or 6 trips to the food/water bowls. yup, she's me in mini form.
all in all i love our family and i miss my second mom. i hope that we can carry on her traditions and feel her with us in the holiday season. we got through thanksgiving, better than expected in my opinion, maybe things won't be as bad as im fearing. but maybe they will.
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Monday, December 9, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
april
now im sure i wont have time to post again tomorrow, but a year ago tomorrow i started my stim meds, which led us to baby Laila. Tomorrow she will be exactly 13 weeks old and it truly is amazing how much change can happen in a year. i know how fortunate i am that we were successful with our first ivf attempt, and i am always thinking of women who have been ttc for long periods of time without success. what i'd like to say is that i hope that pieces of this post speak to women who are ttc, and remind them that so much can change so quickly. at the same time, i'm very aware of how devastating, scary, and assaulting the process can be. i pray for happy endings for every woman ttc, and i hope that each woman trying to get to biological motherhood has the support system she needs. i know im rambling, i just want to instill some hope for those in the process.
Laila is awesome, she's a great baby, we've been sooooo blessed. She's a chunky little monkey with big chubby cheeks and a few rolls on her arms and legs. She is a happy, smiley, talkative baby and she LOVES to lay on her play mat. her baptism is this coming sunday and we're really looking forward to it. we'll be doing most of the food ourselves so we'll be busy busy busy this weekend. I'm excited for more of the extended family to meet her, and im excited to all of my cousins' kids since we only see them a (very) few times a year. i'm hoping that everyone is feeling well that day. lovedove has been fighting off a cold, that sofia just got, but luckily they're both hanging in there. we skipped sofia's playgroup today in an effort to keep her somewhat still and rested, and to not get anyone else sick. my MiL will be receiving some radiation treatment for the next week and a half, so i hope she feels ok on sunday. she's been hanging in there but has been having some more discomfort lately, i'm hoping the radiation helps with the pain management and gives her some relief.
what else... OH. we registered our little baby Sofia for nursery school in the fall. what?! how in the world is she going to be 3 already? my God, time truly flies. she'll be going to school, 3 days a week, 3 hours a day starting the week after she turns 3. im excited for her and i really think she'll do great. i believe that she will enjoy school. i'm a little worried about the first day, with the first drop off, but we've already been talking to her about the fact that mommies can't stay with her at school, and that she'll have to listen to the teacher. im a little worried about me that day too, but i guess it will just be the beginning of 1 on 1 time with Laila, who will be 9 months old by then. crazy. the school she'll be going to is the least expensive school we were able to find in the neighborhood, because i feel like its crazy to pay for schooling in general, because i believe in the public school system* (disclaimer: i grew up in public schools and was in advanced placement classes. i feel this shaped my view and allowed me to have a positive experience with school. i believe in the teachers in the classroom today, but i also acknowledge that some public school programs are better than others. im not sure what my 2014 and forward thoughts of public school will be, but at this point in time i am a big believer in public schools). so we're paying approx $2500 for 9 hours a week september-june. im happy with that and that tuition is do-able for us. schooling can get crazy expensive, like in park slope brooklyn. this season our league is using the gym of a private school. i googled the tuition rates, for pre-k (purely out of curiosity) and saw this ----> $18,395. SHOOT ME. who the hell has that kind of money for their 4 year old to go to school? the rates go up (to almost 36,000 for grade 12 students) as the child gets older. im all for taxing the rich. call me a socialist, im find with that. why the hell does any 4 year old need an $18000 education? give me a break. that is almost the poverty line for a family of 4 (i think that line is around 25,000). my mind was blown. sorry for the crazy school/money tangent.
i need to get better at writing myself a note when i think of topics to write about, bc i feel like this post is just rambly, but i will try to be a more substantial blogger in coming posts.
anyway, following along with everyone's stories as usual and wishing everyone the best.
still waiting for spring over here in ny, hope its springtime by you already!
Laila is awesome, she's a great baby, we've been sooooo blessed. She's a chunky little monkey with big chubby cheeks and a few rolls on her arms and legs. She is a happy, smiley, talkative baby and she LOVES to lay on her play mat. her baptism is this coming sunday and we're really looking forward to it. we'll be doing most of the food ourselves so we'll be busy busy busy this weekend. I'm excited for more of the extended family to meet her, and im excited to all of my cousins' kids since we only see them a (very) few times a year. i'm hoping that everyone is feeling well that day. lovedove has been fighting off a cold, that sofia just got, but luckily they're both hanging in there. we skipped sofia's playgroup today in an effort to keep her somewhat still and rested, and to not get anyone else sick. my MiL will be receiving some radiation treatment for the next week and a half, so i hope she feels ok on sunday. she's been hanging in there but has been having some more discomfort lately, i'm hoping the radiation helps with the pain management and gives her some relief.
what else... OH. we registered our little baby Sofia for nursery school in the fall. what?! how in the world is she going to be 3 already? my God, time truly flies. she'll be going to school, 3 days a week, 3 hours a day starting the week after she turns 3. im excited for her and i really think she'll do great. i believe that she will enjoy school. i'm a little worried about the first day, with the first drop off, but we've already been talking to her about the fact that mommies can't stay with her at school, and that she'll have to listen to the teacher. im a little worried about me that day too, but i guess it will just be the beginning of 1 on 1 time with Laila, who will be 9 months old by then. crazy. the school she'll be going to is the least expensive school we were able to find in the neighborhood, because i feel like its crazy to pay for schooling in general, because i believe in the public school system* (disclaimer: i grew up in public schools and was in advanced placement classes. i feel this shaped my view and allowed me to have a positive experience with school. i believe in the teachers in the classroom today, but i also acknowledge that some public school programs are better than others. im not sure what my 2014 and forward thoughts of public school will be, but at this point in time i am a big believer in public schools). so we're paying approx $2500 for 9 hours a week september-june. im happy with that and that tuition is do-able for us. schooling can get crazy expensive, like in park slope brooklyn. this season our league is using the gym of a private school. i googled the tuition rates, for pre-k (purely out of curiosity) and saw this ----> $18,395. SHOOT ME. who the hell has that kind of money for their 4 year old to go to school? the rates go up (to almost 36,000 for grade 12 students) as the child gets older. im all for taxing the rich. call me a socialist, im find with that. why the hell does any 4 year old need an $18000 education? give me a break. that is almost the poverty line for a family of 4 (i think that line is around 25,000). my mind was blown. sorry for the crazy school/money tangent.
i need to get better at writing myself a note when i think of topics to write about, bc i feel like this post is just rambly, but i will try to be a more substantial blogger in coming posts.
anyway, following along with everyone's stories as usual and wishing everyone the best.
still waiting for spring over here in ny, hope its springtime by you already!
Thursday, March 14, 2013
who would have thought...
i've been missing being pregnant lately. don't ask me how this happened. i kind of miss being "huge" although i don't think i was that big compared to most pregnant ladies, and i miss my stretchmarks making me feel good about baby's growth. now they just make me feel mostly gross, only proud here and there. i think that i just felt majorly important when i was pregnant, you know? with all of the close care from medical professionals, the constant "how are you feeling"s from everyone friends/coworkers/family, and the mindfulness of the job i was doing, creating a baby every day. people are still asking me how i' feeling which is nice, it just feels obligatory at this point. i've felt a few of the phantom baby "kicks" lovedove used to tell me about, its soo strange when it happens. definitely just a weird gas bubble or some other shift of organs, but holy moly it takes me right back to when little laila was on the inside. i'm so glad she's here and im so glad that i dont have to freak out about my diabetes constantly anymore. don't get me wrong i'm still taking good care of myself, i just have a lot fewer freak outs when my sugar is high bc i know that i can't hurt (not that i ever did hurt her, luckily she came out perfect) the little one anymore. anyway, i do miss it, and the words "i would do it again" came out of my mouth earlier this week. i think i feel this way mostly because giving birth to laila was pretty much the best moment of my life. labor was rough, but giving birth is completely amazing. no more babies for us though, we donated our leftover embies to research which was hard to do, but i totally do not have it in me to donate potential full siblings of laila's to other couples. i would have loved to save them forever, just in case we ever change our minds, but its not do-able financially.
i dont think that i have the baby blues, i'm pretty happy with life at this point, other than my MiL's cancer of course, but the fact that she's currently taking on chemo round #4 like a champ, yea - i'm happy. we are heading out to california for a family vacation in a week and a half. i cant wait. its going to be so wonderful to have everyone in one place. laila is going to meet all of her family out there and i can't wait to see everyone hold her and kiss her.
i feel like things feel totally different when you're the birth mom. with sofia i couldn't wait to share her with my family, but i think i just felt like the sidekick who had like, babynapped her and made her my own. i know that is completely ridiculous, but i felt so overjoyed to be a mom to this perfect little angel who i did none of the hard work to create. and with laila, i feel so proud to be the person/body who added another member to lovedove's family. i swear i feel like rafiki in the lion king, i'm just going to step out of the car when we arrive at our family's house and hold her above my head, and some amazing california sunbeam will shine down directly on her and our little cousins will cheer. i'm so looking forward to it. plus we're taking sofia to dis.ney.land for the first time. i'm way too excited about that.
anyway i have 15 other things i should be doing. i'm reading along with everyone on days where i actually have a few minutes to sit down and turn the computer on, wishing everyone luck!!!
oh ps, thoughts on renaming this blog.. should i? shouldn't i? do i make a new blog since this isn't a ttc/pregnancy one anymore? i feel like everyone makes a different one, is that the way to go?
i dont think that i have the baby blues, i'm pretty happy with life at this point, other than my MiL's cancer of course, but the fact that she's currently taking on chemo round #4 like a champ, yea - i'm happy. we are heading out to california for a family vacation in a week and a half. i cant wait. its going to be so wonderful to have everyone in one place. laila is going to meet all of her family out there and i can't wait to see everyone hold her and kiss her.
i feel like things feel totally different when you're the birth mom. with sofia i couldn't wait to share her with my family, but i think i just felt like the sidekick who had like, babynapped her and made her my own. i know that is completely ridiculous, but i felt so overjoyed to be a mom to this perfect little angel who i did none of the hard work to create. and with laila, i feel so proud to be the person/body who added another member to lovedove's family. i swear i feel like rafiki in the lion king, i'm just going to step out of the car when we arrive at our family's house and hold her above my head, and some amazing california sunbeam will shine down directly on her and our little cousins will cheer. i'm so looking forward to it. plus we're taking sofia to dis.ney.land for the first time. i'm way too excited about that.
anyway i have 15 other things i should be doing. i'm reading along with everyone on days where i actually have a few minutes to sit down and turn the computer on, wishing everyone luck!!!
oh ps, thoughts on renaming this blog.. should i? shouldn't i? do i make a new blog since this isn't a ttc/pregnancy one anymore? i feel like everyone makes a different one, is that the way to go?
Friday, January 25, 2013
2.5 weeks later
little laila has been with us for 17 days now, and our time together has been completely amazing. she's wonderful and adorable and does a heck of a lot of sleeping right now. she sleeps a bunch during the day, but she does sleep well at night too, just as long as she's got a very full belly. we did have a few challenging nights, where it seemed that a not-full-enough-belly seemed to be the issue, but i had reached my limit with breastfeeding at the moment. i should have just kept her attached to me and tried to sleep that way, but instead they were semi-sleepless nights. it's all part of the learning curve.
laila tends to cluster feed at night, so she's usually attached to me in the evenings. it makes me wonder what kind of transition we'll be facing once i go back to work in a little over a month. hopefully by that time i'll have a large supply of breastmilk frozen for her or freshly pumped in the fridge for lovedove to give her while im at work.
i keep feeling like i want to put my thoughts about certain things out there, as advice/expereince/etc. i guess its like the super honest truth stuff... we're in the trust tree right? um.. lets see what i think is important to know....
1. i'm sure having a birth plan is important for some people, but i'm glad i didn't have one. it would have went out the window anyway with all of the unexpected things that took place with my delivery. when i was in labor, almost nothing mattered. i didn't care who delivered laila, i still have no idea what the doctor's name is who actually delivered her. i'd like to know her name, just to be able to give her credit for her great work and care, but it doesn't matter.
2. i got a hemorrhoid(my first one ever), i guess from pushing, and for the first week after i delivered, that was half of my pain. dermop.last spray was a god send. the other half of my pain was the general soreness. itchiness from the stitches came later for me.
3. breastfeeding and/or pumping are definitely tough. nipple soreness after a few bad latches/slightly off center pumping attempts hurts crazy badly, i can totally understand why some women don't continue when things get rough. i believe it's so worth it, even with some discomfort. lanolin by med.ela is saving my life daily. i've successfully pumped 3x, and got a total of 4.5 ozs. i feel really proud of my self, but i can't go near the pump when my nipples are sore, which makes me feel guilty bc i want to stock pile milk for laila... all in due time i guess.
4. post partum hormones are insane.
i felt like i had so much more to say but i guess i dont. whatever.
now for some fun facts about laila. she has been able to lift her head with moderate head control since the day after she was born, it's very odd. she makes loads of funny faces, and smiles (what i think is) a lot for a newborn. lately she's become a "fresh air releaser", well at least that's how i'm referring to her. during diaper changes she now attempts to pee/projectile poop in the time that you remove a soiled diaper from her bottom, and place the new diaper. she got me with poop the other night, peed all over the changing table when my sister changed her for the first time yesterday. i think its hysterical. i dont even really mind, i've just adapted and she hasn't gotten me again since! that little stinker. her belly button fell off 2 days ago and i think we're going to give her her first bath tonight. i might post a pic if it goes as well as sofia's first bath. we use the prince lio.nheart wash.pod. yes, it's essentially a baby in a bucket, with a rubber seat at the bottom to keep baby in place, but it has been absolutely wonderful in our experience. yes it requires very close supervision, but sofia LOVED it. hoping laila does too.
got a letter from our RE's office with the storage prices for our remaining embryos. we've decided that 2 babies is our limit, and we dont have any plans for family expansion past this point. the storage is nearly $100 a month, and that is really an additional expense that we can't afford to take on, and truly don't need to. its kind of hard for me to let these remaining embryos go. i'm not sure why. and then i kind of feel guilty that i'm not donating them to some infertile couple somewhere, but i dont think i would be able to do that. ug. its such a loaded issue.
i guess thats all. just wanted to check in and write some stuff down. enjoying reading everyone's birth announcements and stories, and still following all the ladies ttc.
sofia is coming down with a cold from the crazy cold we've been experiencing, and my challenge for the next week will be to keep laila healthy. that should be difficult.
laila tends to cluster feed at night, so she's usually attached to me in the evenings. it makes me wonder what kind of transition we'll be facing once i go back to work in a little over a month. hopefully by that time i'll have a large supply of breastmilk frozen for her or freshly pumped in the fridge for lovedove to give her while im at work.
i keep feeling like i want to put my thoughts about certain things out there, as advice/expereince/etc. i guess its like the super honest truth stuff... we're in the trust tree right? um.. lets see what i think is important to know....
1. i'm sure having a birth plan is important for some people, but i'm glad i didn't have one. it would have went out the window anyway with all of the unexpected things that took place with my delivery. when i was in labor, almost nothing mattered. i didn't care who delivered laila, i still have no idea what the doctor's name is who actually delivered her. i'd like to know her name, just to be able to give her credit for her great work and care, but it doesn't matter.
2. i got a hemorrhoid(my first one ever), i guess from pushing, and for the first week after i delivered, that was half of my pain. dermop.last spray was a god send. the other half of my pain was the general soreness. itchiness from the stitches came later for me.
3. breastfeeding and/or pumping are definitely tough. nipple soreness after a few bad latches/slightly off center pumping attempts hurts crazy badly, i can totally understand why some women don't continue when things get rough. i believe it's so worth it, even with some discomfort. lanolin by med.ela is saving my life daily. i've successfully pumped 3x, and got a total of 4.5 ozs. i feel really proud of my self, but i can't go near the pump when my nipples are sore, which makes me feel guilty bc i want to stock pile milk for laila... all in due time i guess.
4. post partum hormones are insane.
i felt like i had so much more to say but i guess i dont. whatever.
now for some fun facts about laila. she has been able to lift her head with moderate head control since the day after she was born, it's very odd. she makes loads of funny faces, and smiles (what i think is) a lot for a newborn. lately she's become a "fresh air releaser", well at least that's how i'm referring to her. during diaper changes she now attempts to pee/projectile poop in the time that you remove a soiled diaper from her bottom, and place the new diaper. she got me with poop the other night, peed all over the changing table when my sister changed her for the first time yesterday. i think its hysterical. i dont even really mind, i've just adapted and she hasn't gotten me again since! that little stinker. her belly button fell off 2 days ago and i think we're going to give her her first bath tonight. i might post a pic if it goes as well as sofia's first bath. we use the prince lio.nheart wash.pod. yes, it's essentially a baby in a bucket, with a rubber seat at the bottom to keep baby in place, but it has been absolutely wonderful in our experience. yes it requires very close supervision, but sofia LOVED it. hoping laila does too.got a letter from our RE's office with the storage prices for our remaining embryos. we've decided that 2 babies is our limit, and we dont have any plans for family expansion past this point. the storage is nearly $100 a month, and that is really an additional expense that we can't afford to take on, and truly don't need to. its kind of hard for me to let these remaining embryos go. i'm not sure why. and then i kind of feel guilty that i'm not donating them to some infertile couple somewhere, but i dont think i would be able to do that. ug. its such a loaded issue.
i guess thats all. just wanted to check in and write some stuff down. enjoying reading everyone's birth announcements and stories, and still following all the ladies ttc.
sofia is coming down with a cold from the crazy cold we've been experiencing, and my challenge for the next week will be to keep laila healthy. that should be difficult.
Friday, January 4, 2013
i currently live at the corner of irritability and irritability
i am such a moody cranky bitch lately i can barely stand myself, so prepare yourself for a ranty bitchy post.
yes there are a lot of things going on, yes i'm super pregnant, but this is so not me. i feel like im in such a weird funk. little things set me off for hours, not that im hostile for hours, but grumpy for a long long time. i guess i'll try to identify why with a few minor updates.
work crap - monday i had gotten a semi nasty voicemail from one of the admin people at my job about a session note that she claimed wasn't written (i always write my notes for sessions with clients, or else i dont get paid - at all. i dont make a dime for the paperwork i complete. if my clients dont show up for session, i make $0) but she said they would pay me (payday was tuesday) for the session because my client had signed in on the sign in sheet, so clearly he was there for our appointment. i looked into it when i went in on wednesday, and sure enough the note was there in the file, however, my mistake was that i had forgotten to change the date at the top of my note (so it seemed like there were 2 notes for 12/10, instead of one for 12/10 and one for 12/17), and had only listed the correct date (17th) on the bottom, next to my signature. but for me, it felt like a slap in the face that this woman had the nerve to call me and leave me a nasty message. i felt like it implied that 1- i didn't do my job well (for that day, and i've been there for over 2 years) and 2- she was going to be doing me a favor by paying me for work that i didn't have proof i had done. it just feels sometimes like no one at my job has any idea of how to use rational deduction strategies to figure out when something is off. like, couldn't she just look one page back and say "hey, thats weird, there isnt a note for the 17th, but there are 2 for the 10th, that seems odd, let me actually READ the notes and look at the dates and figure out what happened?". morons. and seriously, im 9 months pregnant. do me a favor and think for a second and dont crucify me for not changing one date on one note. fuckers.
MiL stuff - she's starting treatment w chemo today but she has been in pain over the past few days, which im thankful i havent been around to witness due to work and my own dr appts, but clearly i dont want her to be in pain. it has been so hard on lovedove, her sister, and father. they are all doing their best to just put on a brave face and provide her with the support that she needs, but its been a long week and a half since xmas. it seems we just keep getting discouraging news, we're all just waiting on a little bit of good news, it has to come eventually right? maybe she'll respond really well to the chemo. ug. chemo. smh.
dr stuff - so i had my appt yesterday with my ob, who as i've said many times before, i usually love. yesterday i didn't love her. i know that i was tired from sitting around and waiting, (i had just sat for an hour waiting for my sono, then another 20 minutes before the non stress test, then 25 mins on the non stress test, then walked across the hall to wait for 20 minutes for her appt), but she seemed tired too. she did the heartbeat check with the mini doppler and asked about if i was feeling good movement from baby, my blood sugars, etc. then i asked if we could talk about induction dates, bc im so much of a planner. she said fine and we walked into her office. we chatted for a minute and she again, stuck to her 39 week guns and said the 13th. i asked if we could do it a few days earlier, she returned that with the idea of an amnio to check lung maturity which i dont want, so i gave in to the 13th. i mentioned how it might be nice to have the baby on the 14th, as it is the anniversary of my grandma's death and it might be nice to add a smile to that day. her response "oh honey, you won't have her on the 14th, this might take a while".
FIRST OF ALL, you so often say my favorite line (we plan and God laughs) so how the fuck do you know that this labor that you are going to start on the evening of the 13th, will progress so slowly, that i'll be strapped to a bed for at least 30 hours before i birth this child? SECOND - where is your judgement on how a statement like that will affect a very pregnant woman's emotional state? come on! i was ready to kill her. how do you know that my labor will take that long, and how dare you put it out there that you think it will take forever to have this baby. fuck, even if you're thinking it might take that long, you don't have to say it like that. i get that induction medications can take a while, but seriously.. you're suggesting that the inactive stage of my labor is going to last at least 24 hours? fucking shoot me. i dont have an iPad, i don't read books, what the fuck am i supposed to do for all of that time, strapped to a bed and monitors, waiting for medications to get my body to progress to active labor. i'm not someone who can just sit around for that many hours. i'm dreading this induction already. i am praying that i go into spontaneous labor. ill be trying to walk this little lady out in the meantime. and if i do make it to the induction, im praying that i have the fastest delivery ever, just to prove her wrong.
the other thing she said that pissed me off. she was asking me about my sugars and whatever, and told me to watch for if i can't keep my sugar levels up at all, as that would signal that my placenta was failing. i get that i'm the best expert on my own diabetes, and that i am an active participant in my own care, and trust me if i notice a drastic change ill make her aware of whats going on. i felt like she put it on me to tell her if my placenta was failing. "you need to let me know if this happens, bc then we need to get baby out earlier". no shit lady. aren't i in for sonograms twice a week where they monitor the blood flow to my placenta, and my baby, etc? wouldnt the techs and the doctors that review everything be able to detect a problem if there was one? isn't that their job AND the reason i'm there??? she made me second guess myself so badly. yes my insulin needs have decreased, but from the books i've read on type 1 moms and their pregnancies, thats normal at this stage in the game. i googled some stuff to calm my nerves. i'll be back in there on monday. shut up lady, stop making me feel more neurotic than i already am.
um.. good things..
so i'm done with work, until late feb or the first week of march (thats what i told my clients and expect to stick to) so thats nice. i feel relieved about being done and am praying that the admin ppl dont bother me about anything stupid while im out.
i will get to spend evenings with lovedove for the coming weeks, something we miss out on due to working opposite schedules mon-thurs.
very soon, our new baby will be here and we'll have some new joy to smile about. i'm praying so hard that she's happy and healthy when she arrives, and of course i hope she arrives without any major complicatoins, AND doesn't have to spend too much time in the nicu. i know its a lot to ask, but im just hoping.....
we dont have anything on the calendar for this weekend so maybe we'll be able to do something fun to take our minds off of all the serious stuff going on.
sofia seems to have had another vocab explosion. she's been talking up a storm, even more than usual, and some of the things she says are completely hysterical. ie - "momma, i see your goolie (our word for butt) pull your (pajama) pants up". i occasionally struggle with plumber's crack when it comes to pjs.
finally, sofia has been having a half tantrum about cleaning up several of the toy messes she made this morning and just finished cleaning it ALL up. im so proud of her. thank you little one.
so that's all. im thankful to have this space to vent in. i dont think anyone in my real life could handle all of this complaining, but lovedove somehow does. i'm so blessed to be her wife.
happy weekend everyone.
yes there are a lot of things going on, yes i'm super pregnant, but this is so not me. i feel like im in such a weird funk. little things set me off for hours, not that im hostile for hours, but grumpy for a long long time. i guess i'll try to identify why with a few minor updates.
work crap - monday i had gotten a semi nasty voicemail from one of the admin people at my job about a session note that she claimed wasn't written (i always write my notes for sessions with clients, or else i dont get paid - at all. i dont make a dime for the paperwork i complete. if my clients dont show up for session, i make $0) but she said they would pay me (payday was tuesday) for the session because my client had signed in on the sign in sheet, so clearly he was there for our appointment. i looked into it when i went in on wednesday, and sure enough the note was there in the file, however, my mistake was that i had forgotten to change the date at the top of my note (so it seemed like there were 2 notes for 12/10, instead of one for 12/10 and one for 12/17), and had only listed the correct date (17th) on the bottom, next to my signature. but for me, it felt like a slap in the face that this woman had the nerve to call me and leave me a nasty message. i felt like it implied that 1- i didn't do my job well (for that day, and i've been there for over 2 years) and 2- she was going to be doing me a favor by paying me for work that i didn't have proof i had done. it just feels sometimes like no one at my job has any idea of how to use rational deduction strategies to figure out when something is off. like, couldn't she just look one page back and say "hey, thats weird, there isnt a note for the 17th, but there are 2 for the 10th, that seems odd, let me actually READ the notes and look at the dates and figure out what happened?". morons. and seriously, im 9 months pregnant. do me a favor and think for a second and dont crucify me for not changing one date on one note. fuckers.
MiL stuff - she's starting treatment w chemo today but she has been in pain over the past few days, which im thankful i havent been around to witness due to work and my own dr appts, but clearly i dont want her to be in pain. it has been so hard on lovedove, her sister, and father. they are all doing their best to just put on a brave face and provide her with the support that she needs, but its been a long week and a half since xmas. it seems we just keep getting discouraging news, we're all just waiting on a little bit of good news, it has to come eventually right? maybe she'll respond really well to the chemo. ug. chemo. smh.
dr stuff - so i had my appt yesterday with my ob, who as i've said many times before, i usually love. yesterday i didn't love her. i know that i was tired from sitting around and waiting, (i had just sat for an hour waiting for my sono, then another 20 minutes before the non stress test, then 25 mins on the non stress test, then walked across the hall to wait for 20 minutes for her appt), but she seemed tired too. she did the heartbeat check with the mini doppler and asked about if i was feeling good movement from baby, my blood sugars, etc. then i asked if we could talk about induction dates, bc im so much of a planner. she said fine and we walked into her office. we chatted for a minute and she again, stuck to her 39 week guns and said the 13th. i asked if we could do it a few days earlier, she returned that with the idea of an amnio to check lung maturity which i dont want, so i gave in to the 13th. i mentioned how it might be nice to have the baby on the 14th, as it is the anniversary of my grandma's death and it might be nice to add a smile to that day. her response "oh honey, you won't have her on the 14th, this might take a while".
FIRST OF ALL, you so often say my favorite line (we plan and God laughs) so how the fuck do you know that this labor that you are going to start on the evening of the 13th, will progress so slowly, that i'll be strapped to a bed for at least 30 hours before i birth this child? SECOND - where is your judgement on how a statement like that will affect a very pregnant woman's emotional state? come on! i was ready to kill her. how do you know that my labor will take that long, and how dare you put it out there that you think it will take forever to have this baby. fuck, even if you're thinking it might take that long, you don't have to say it like that. i get that induction medications can take a while, but seriously.. you're suggesting that the inactive stage of my labor is going to last at least 24 hours? fucking shoot me. i dont have an iPad, i don't read books, what the fuck am i supposed to do for all of that time, strapped to a bed and monitors, waiting for medications to get my body to progress to active labor. i'm not someone who can just sit around for that many hours. i'm dreading this induction already. i am praying that i go into spontaneous labor. ill be trying to walk this little lady out in the meantime. and if i do make it to the induction, im praying that i have the fastest delivery ever, just to prove her wrong.
the other thing she said that pissed me off. she was asking me about my sugars and whatever, and told me to watch for if i can't keep my sugar levels up at all, as that would signal that my placenta was failing. i get that i'm the best expert on my own diabetes, and that i am an active participant in my own care, and trust me if i notice a drastic change ill make her aware of whats going on. i felt like she put it on me to tell her if my placenta was failing. "you need to let me know if this happens, bc then we need to get baby out earlier". no shit lady. aren't i in for sonograms twice a week where they monitor the blood flow to my placenta, and my baby, etc? wouldnt the techs and the doctors that review everything be able to detect a problem if there was one? isn't that their job AND the reason i'm there??? she made me second guess myself so badly. yes my insulin needs have decreased, but from the books i've read on type 1 moms and their pregnancies, thats normal at this stage in the game. i googled some stuff to calm my nerves. i'll be back in there on monday. shut up lady, stop making me feel more neurotic than i already am.
um.. good things..
so i'm done with work, until late feb or the first week of march (thats what i told my clients and expect to stick to) so thats nice. i feel relieved about being done and am praying that the admin ppl dont bother me about anything stupid while im out.
i will get to spend evenings with lovedove for the coming weeks, something we miss out on due to working opposite schedules mon-thurs.
very soon, our new baby will be here and we'll have some new joy to smile about. i'm praying so hard that she's happy and healthy when she arrives, and of course i hope she arrives without any major complicatoins, AND doesn't have to spend too much time in the nicu. i know its a lot to ask, but im just hoping.....
we dont have anything on the calendar for this weekend so maybe we'll be able to do something fun to take our minds off of all the serious stuff going on.
sofia seems to have had another vocab explosion. she's been talking up a storm, even more than usual, and some of the things she says are completely hysterical. ie - "momma, i see your goolie (our word for butt) pull your (pajama) pants up". i occasionally struggle with plumber's crack when it comes to pjs.
finally, sofia has been having a half tantrum about cleaning up several of the toy messes she made this morning and just finished cleaning it ALL up. im so proud of her. thank you little one.
so that's all. im thankful to have this space to vent in. i dont think anyone in my real life could handle all of this complaining, but lovedove somehow does. i'm so blessed to be her wife.
happy weekend everyone.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
yup, im "there"
this week, i must admit, i've officially hit that point. the point where you're tired of being pregnant. i never wanted to admit to myself that i would hit that point, because to me it sounds ungrateful. plus, this pregnancy has been relatively "easy" other than the diabetes management, as i was not in that much physical discomfort until recently. i know that many ladies have a much rougher time, so i'm feeling like a wuss. this pregnancy is what i want(ed) more than anything in this world, and i feel like im wussing out, because i'm only hitting 36 weeks now. this means i still have 3 more weeks until my doctor will think about inducing me, if things continue to go well with my body handling the pregnancy. i mean don't get me wrong, im not a big fan of induction in general, i believe in babies staying put until they're ready to join us, but since they're going to induce me anyway due to my diabetes, i might try to get her to move the date up by a day or two if she's open to that.
lovedove never hit this point. her pregnancy was the most uneventful pregnancy i think ive ever witnessed. i'm not sure if thats because she carried so high, or bc she was off for the summer for about 8 weeks before she delivered so there wasn't too much craziness going on (despite me being unemployed at the time.. story for another time), or if it was just Sofia being an angel in utero. whatever the reason, she never hit this point. it would probably serve me better not to beat myself up about it, really, what good does it do to call yourself a wuss repeatedly? everyone's pregnancy is different right? why compare myself to other people? (bc thats what we do by nature, silly). anyway, i want this baby born sooner than later, as long as its after xmas, and i feel guilty about it.
i've been having a ton of braxton hicks, usually after bending, so of course nothing ever shows up on my non stress tests bc im happily still and relaxing with my feet up in a recliner. i have another one today, christmas eve, and on the 27th. i see my doctor next on the 27th when i'll be almost 37 weeks, so i'm assuming she'll do an internal check to see if i'm dilated at all. not that being dilated means anything, lovedove was dilated 2-3 cm for like 3 weeks before she delivered sofia. speaking of cervical checking, i think the baby is attempting to do her own checks, from the other side. its quite an unpleasant sensation, and i think this is what sofia used to do to lovedove. lovedove lovingly referred to it as "the scritchees". yea, i think i get the name now, and yes, we tend to get creative with our vocab sometimes. tailbone pain continues, mobility seems to be decreasing, super tiredness (surprise). i've been sleeping like crap, but mostly bc i can't get my brain to stop running around in circles. i slept better last night, after only getting 5ish hours a night the two nights prior. i hope sofia sleeps in a little bit when lovedove is off next week. please God. please. just give me to 7:30 and im happy. i'm scared of the little amount of sleep i'll be able to get once the new baby arrives. like really scared, but ill deal, and i'll be very thankful for my blessings.
anyway, today is my last day of full week work. i'm working the day after christmas, and january 1 and 2, and then im calling it quits. i'm really looking forward to the holiday break, as i only have to work one day and lovedove and i, and the extended family, will have loads of time together to do fun family stuff. i would love if baby made her debut while my SiL was still in town so she could meet her while she's in NY. guess we'll see if baby's got any magic tricks in mind or if she's happy where she is.
its finally starting to feel like christmas to me, so happy its just a few days away. i can't wait to see sofia's face when she opens each toy. she loves to play. today she was playing doctor with disa. i managed to catch some of it on video. i love my kids, hope they happily welcome the new one when she arrives.
if i don't post, merry christmas to all!!
lovedove never hit this point. her pregnancy was the most uneventful pregnancy i think ive ever witnessed. i'm not sure if thats because she carried so high, or bc she was off for the summer for about 8 weeks before she delivered so there wasn't too much craziness going on (despite me being unemployed at the time.. story for another time), or if it was just Sofia being an angel in utero. whatever the reason, she never hit this point. it would probably serve me better not to beat myself up about it, really, what good does it do to call yourself a wuss repeatedly? everyone's pregnancy is different right? why compare myself to other people? (bc thats what we do by nature, silly). anyway, i want this baby born sooner than later, as long as its after xmas, and i feel guilty about it.
i've been having a ton of braxton hicks, usually after bending, so of course nothing ever shows up on my non stress tests bc im happily still and relaxing with my feet up in a recliner. i have another one today, christmas eve, and on the 27th. i see my doctor next on the 27th when i'll be almost 37 weeks, so i'm assuming she'll do an internal check to see if i'm dilated at all. not that being dilated means anything, lovedove was dilated 2-3 cm for like 3 weeks before she delivered sofia. speaking of cervical checking, i think the baby is attempting to do her own checks, from the other side. its quite an unpleasant sensation, and i think this is what sofia used to do to lovedove. lovedove lovingly referred to it as "the scritchees". yea, i think i get the name now, and yes, we tend to get creative with our vocab sometimes. tailbone pain continues, mobility seems to be decreasing, super tiredness (surprise). i've been sleeping like crap, but mostly bc i can't get my brain to stop running around in circles. i slept better last night, after only getting 5ish hours a night the two nights prior. i hope sofia sleeps in a little bit when lovedove is off next week. please God. please. just give me to 7:30 and im happy. i'm scared of the little amount of sleep i'll be able to get once the new baby arrives. like really scared, but ill deal, and i'll be very thankful for my blessings.
anyway, today is my last day of full week work. i'm working the day after christmas, and january 1 and 2, and then im calling it quits. i'm really looking forward to the holiday break, as i only have to work one day and lovedove and i, and the extended family, will have loads of time together to do fun family stuff. i would love if baby made her debut while my SiL was still in town so she could meet her while she's in NY. guess we'll see if baby's got any magic tricks in mind or if she's happy where she is.
its finally starting to feel like christmas to me, so happy its just a few days away. i can't wait to see sofia's face when she opens each toy. she loves to play. today she was playing doctor with disa. i managed to catch some of it on video. i love my kids, hope they happily welcome the new one when she arrives.
if i don't post, merry christmas to all!!
Thursday, December 13, 2012
things i keep forgetting to mention
i hit my belly on lots of things, not hard, just enough to remind me i'm hauling a kid around in my body. most often i bump the belly on the refrigerator door when im opening it. i've done it many many times, i think its funny, since i so often open that door to look for a snack.
i've been getting super clumsy. i drop stuff and i feel like my hand eye coordination is off. my balance is lacking lately, especially in the middle of the night when im getting up to pee. its about 13 steps from my bed to the bathroom, but some nights you should see the help i need from the walls to stay upright. i have also developed a little bit of anxiety about stairs. i feel so afraid that im going do fall down a flight of them, so im very conscious about holding onto a banister at all times.
my feet started to swell a little for the first time last night. nothing major.
i've been having braxton hicks pretty often, prob for the last 2 weeks, but they never happen out of no where. its always in response to bending, or bending with some straining/reaching. its getting a little annoying. kind of like how the hiccups are getting a little annoying. regardless, im thankful for these annoyances.
im convinced this baby is more active one day and then really tired the next. tuesday she was kind of crazy at night, wednesday she was pretty calm, and this morning she's nuts again. i love feeling her, im beginning to wonder how much i'll miss her movements once she's born.
i totally hate the unknown nature of when she'll actually arrive. i try to google for "average week of delivery for type 1 moms" and read about other people's experiences, but all of that totally doesn't matter. there's no science to predicting if i'll develop pre-e and need a c-section earlier, or if i'll be totally fine and go into labor spontaneously, or if my water will break tomorrow. i just keep trying to read as much info as possible to remind myself that anything is possible and even if i go to my due date, which i feel like i could, but don't think i will (i'm not sure why i think that), its only another 38 days till we get to meet little baby girl. trying to wrap my head around how close we're getting to the happy (god willing) end of this pregnancy. it seems super unreal still, even after all of this prep, and work, and waiting. how strange.
but i totally can't wait.
i've been getting super clumsy. i drop stuff and i feel like my hand eye coordination is off. my balance is lacking lately, especially in the middle of the night when im getting up to pee. its about 13 steps from my bed to the bathroom, but some nights you should see the help i need from the walls to stay upright. i have also developed a little bit of anxiety about stairs. i feel so afraid that im going do fall down a flight of them, so im very conscious about holding onto a banister at all times.
my feet started to swell a little for the first time last night. nothing major.
i've been having braxton hicks pretty often, prob for the last 2 weeks, but they never happen out of no where. its always in response to bending, or bending with some straining/reaching. its getting a little annoying. kind of like how the hiccups are getting a little annoying. regardless, im thankful for these annoyances.
im convinced this baby is more active one day and then really tired the next. tuesday she was kind of crazy at night, wednesday she was pretty calm, and this morning she's nuts again. i love feeling her, im beginning to wonder how much i'll miss her movements once she's born.
i totally hate the unknown nature of when she'll actually arrive. i try to google for "average week of delivery for type 1 moms" and read about other people's experiences, but all of that totally doesn't matter. there's no science to predicting if i'll develop pre-e and need a c-section earlier, or if i'll be totally fine and go into labor spontaneously, or if my water will break tomorrow. i just keep trying to read as much info as possible to remind myself that anything is possible and even if i go to my due date, which i feel like i could, but don't think i will (i'm not sure why i think that), its only another 38 days till we get to meet little baby girl. trying to wrap my head around how close we're getting to the happy (god willing) end of this pregnancy. it seems super unreal still, even after all of this prep, and work, and waiting. how strange.
but i totally can't wait.
Monday, December 10, 2012
34w1d
today's nst and sono were fine as usual. thank goodness, i cant imagine if a doctor actually wanted to speak with me at the end of my visit. half of the time the doctors don't even see me personally, they just send the tech back to tell me everything is fine. my mom was all "if everything is fine, why do you have to go so often"... "because im a diabetic Mom, and if theres an issue they want to know about it right away"... makes sense no? oh mom. oh so i was going to say that my blood pressure has been really good during this pregnancy so at this point i don't really have any worries about pre-eclampsia. i think my highest reading was 120/80 and that was on the day i had to pick up the rental when my car got hit for the 2nd time. since then its been pretty steady at or just under 110/70.
did i ever mention the non stress test lady Gina? her name is pronounced gee(like the gee sound in geese)-na, so at first when i would go in for my appts, i always wanted to call her GIna, bc i knew her name was spelled regularly, but pronounced differently, and of course my brain prounounces it GIna (like va-GI-na) and every time i had to work really hard to make sure it didn't come out of my mouth like that. thankfully im used to it now. anyway, Gina has been kind of absent minded lately. last thurs she hooked me up to the monitor and forgot to give me the little clicker thing (like a jeopardy buzz-er in-er) that i have to push when i feel baby move. when she left the room i asked one of the other attending techs to give it to me so she wouldnt feel bad that she forgot. then today she forgot to take my blood pressure, which i dont care about because im sure its fine, but after she had hooked me up to the monitor, she forgot to push my curtain back so that i could watch tv. so when she left i used my foot to pull the curtain back and i happily watched a small portion of the view. come on Gina get with it! lol. they're all very nice women, im not actually irritated by any of this, i just thought it was funny and that i'd share.
in other funny news, saturday was the first day that lovedove and i had done any extended walking, and she commented on my waddling. i've asked her not to comment again as the pelvic pressure/pain i have every few days is no fun, and on those days i feel pressure with every step i take. but i was kind of amused that she commented on my waddling, but also a little sensitive about it.
um, so thats about it. i have a lunch date with a long time friend tomorrow who (now) lives in Spain so i'm wondering what kind of comments she'll have about my size, waddling, etc, but im really looking forward to it.
here's two pics from the weekend that make me smile, so maybe they'll make you smile too.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
waiting around
so today marks (business) day #3 that i have been waiting for my "overnighted" package from my medical provider. UPS has royally fucked me, and i've spent $70 in the last 4 days acquiring the testing strips i need to adequately care for myself and baby in terms of managing my diabetes. i've spent what is now hours, on the phone with UPS, demanding that they work with me to get these supplies to me. this is not a fucking pair of gloves i ordered online, or someone's gift for xmas, this is essentially my fucking health, in a box. needless to say im absolutely livid, on top of trying to keep an active toddler couped up in the apt without experiencing non stop tantrums, on top of being completely exhausted. and truly, i dont want to hear "its high volume shipping season", i get that, but its not the week before xmas or chanukka (dont think i spelled that right, i know the c is optional, but im not sure about the rest of it.. wait ill check.. according to www.jewfaq.org that spelling is correct lol.. what a great web address) and these are fucking medical supplies for a pregnant lady. come on people, lets do your jobs.
speaking of following up on other people not being able to do their jobs properly, i had to hand deliver a letter from my new insulin supplier to my endo yesterday. they (the admin people at my endo) say they faxed the authorization for my insulin refills on "the 5th", to that i responded "of november, correct?", "yes", well i received this letter in the mail last week. so they agreed to refax the rx. if that doesn't solve the problem i dont know what else i can do to try to facilitate smooth uncomplicated communication between these two service providers.
then i get an email from 1eighthundredpetmeds. we placed an order for disa's medication (the vet and his admin have agreed to let us purchase her meds and administer her shot at home pending we come in for monthly bloods) on saturday, and since then they have not received a response from disa's doctor. after the initial order is placed, they send the rx request to the dr. needless to say, and everyone take one big guess here, i call the vets office and they, everyone together now yell it like you're in a studio audience for a game show...... "didn't receive the fax". called petmeds, they refaxed the request. please please please clear yourself up, issue. i've had it with time sensitive medical shit that is out of my hands. i apologize for this blog becoming so rant-y lately, but it does seem like we've been under a significant amount of unnecessary stress at the hands of others, and this is truly the best place for me to get it out.
ok. enough of that.
nst and sono yesterday, baby went crazy on the non stress test, she was moving all around like a lunatic, kicked me in the ribs for the first time, and got the hiccups while i was still hooked up to the machine towards the end of the test. she didn't sit still for more than 3 or 4 minutes during that period and it totally took me by surprise. she is usually significantly calmer, but i really enjoyed that experience. the sono was fine, got another experienced tech, so i'm thinking that my time with jane the trainee is over. maybe they just let her do the 28-32 week ones bc they need to really start to monitor my fluid levels and baby's growth after that point? who knows, im glad to be done with her. she doesn't even smile when i see her in the waiting room. grump. during the sono yesterday, despite the images not being in 3d, we were able to see baby playing with her nose. it was so cute! she was kind of just pushing it down a few times and i couldnt believe i was watching her do it. the tech was giggling a little and said she was cute with chubby cheeks. my.god.i.cant.wait.to.see.her.in.person.
like i said before i am so tired. like, the most tired i have been through the entire pregnancy. i assume this will only continue, fine by me. do i wish i had more energy and felt more mobile? sure, but im pretty much halfway through the final trimester of pregnancy, im pretty sure what im feeling is completely normal. yesterday i didnt wind up going in to work, only 1 client is coming, so it wasn't really worth getting into work clothes, commuting(though brief), etc. i have work today, our holiday party (so no work) tomorrow, and then thurs and my work week is done. again, not good for bank accounts, but good for resting.
i continue to love feeling baby do more frequent and stronger movements, and yesterday sofia put her hand on my belly and would have felt a kick right smack on her hand if she was able to wrap her brain around the reality connected to the words "baby sissa in momma belly". her vocab is again on some kind of crazy incline, its truly amazing.
amidst all of this craziness, i've been remembering to be thankful for all that we have and keep in mind the relativity of diabetes testing strips not being delivered, as opposed to this being an insulin shipment, or other medication for more life threatening illnesses.
reading along with everyone's stories and loving being connected to all of you ladies through our journeys. i feel blessed to be among such a strong group of determined women. hoping this little one will be strong and determined (later in life, i could do without a second strong willed toddler) too.
speaking of following up on other people not being able to do their jobs properly, i had to hand deliver a letter from my new insulin supplier to my endo yesterday. they (the admin people at my endo) say they faxed the authorization for my insulin refills on "the 5th", to that i responded "of november, correct?", "yes", well i received this letter in the mail last week. so they agreed to refax the rx. if that doesn't solve the problem i dont know what else i can do to try to facilitate smooth uncomplicated communication between these two service providers.
then i get an email from 1eighthundredpetmeds. we placed an order for disa's medication (the vet and his admin have agreed to let us purchase her meds and administer her shot at home pending we come in for monthly bloods) on saturday, and since then they have not received a response from disa's doctor. after the initial order is placed, they send the rx request to the dr. needless to say, and everyone take one big guess here, i call the vets office and they, everyone together now yell it like you're in a studio audience for a game show...... "didn't receive the fax". called petmeds, they refaxed the request. please please please clear yourself up, issue. i've had it with time sensitive medical shit that is out of my hands. i apologize for this blog becoming so rant-y lately, but it does seem like we've been under a significant amount of unnecessary stress at the hands of others, and this is truly the best place for me to get it out.
ok. enough of that.
nst and sono yesterday, baby went crazy on the non stress test, she was moving all around like a lunatic, kicked me in the ribs for the first time, and got the hiccups while i was still hooked up to the machine towards the end of the test. she didn't sit still for more than 3 or 4 minutes during that period and it totally took me by surprise. she is usually significantly calmer, but i really enjoyed that experience. the sono was fine, got another experienced tech, so i'm thinking that my time with jane the trainee is over. maybe they just let her do the 28-32 week ones bc they need to really start to monitor my fluid levels and baby's growth after that point? who knows, im glad to be done with her. she doesn't even smile when i see her in the waiting room. grump. during the sono yesterday, despite the images not being in 3d, we were able to see baby playing with her nose. it was so cute! she was kind of just pushing it down a few times and i couldnt believe i was watching her do it. the tech was giggling a little and said she was cute with chubby cheeks. my.god.i.cant.wait.to.see.her.in.person.
like i said before i am so tired. like, the most tired i have been through the entire pregnancy. i assume this will only continue, fine by me. do i wish i had more energy and felt more mobile? sure, but im pretty much halfway through the final trimester of pregnancy, im pretty sure what im feeling is completely normal. yesterday i didnt wind up going in to work, only 1 client is coming, so it wasn't really worth getting into work clothes, commuting(though brief), etc. i have work today, our holiday party (so no work) tomorrow, and then thurs and my work week is done. again, not good for bank accounts, but good for resting.
i continue to love feeling baby do more frequent and stronger movements, and yesterday sofia put her hand on my belly and would have felt a kick right smack on her hand if she was able to wrap her brain around the reality connected to the words "baby sissa in momma belly". her vocab is again on some kind of crazy incline, its truly amazing.
amidst all of this craziness, i've been remembering to be thankful for all that we have and keep in mind the relativity of diabetes testing strips not being delivered, as opposed to this being an insulin shipment, or other medication for more life threatening illnesses.
reading along with everyone's stories and loving being connected to all of you ladies through our journeys. i feel blessed to be among such a strong group of determined women. hoping this little one will be strong and determined (later in life, i could do without a second strong willed toddler) too.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
time is flying by... kind of
today i'm at 26w6d/26w2d and as much as it feels like, omg theres only 3 months till this baby is here, i'm pretty sure i have felt almost every day of this pregnancy. i'm no where near as nervous as i was in the first trimester, and the second trimester did not bring that much more calm to my nerves, but i feel like i'm finally at a place where i'm less worried about baby and her health. i think it really helped when we hit the viability mark, and i think with each passing day/week i'm more confident that the day will come will i will hold a healthy baby girl, that i grew and birthed, in my arms. i've made a habit of counting my blessings every night before i'm able to drift off into sleepyland, and every day i'm more thankful for the tiny movements i feel from our little blueberry. trust me i count all of our other blessings too, as much as i can before my brain gets exhausted and shuts down for the night.
i can't believe that Sofia is 2 (plus a month) and i am totally in awe of her. babies grow up sooooooooooooo fast, its almost unbelievable despite witnessing her tiny growth every single day of her life. i can't believe we'll have another teeny tiny baby in this apartment in just a few short months. its wild. also wild, her accidental fall over the back of the couch the other morning. she just leaned over the couch too far (while jumping up and down of course) and took anose forehead dive. she cried for a while, i somehow managed not to (my in laws were over for sunday morning bagel breakfast and i didn't want to look like an over-emotional pregnant woman/make everyone else more upset than they already were) but she was just fine. i of course made sure she did not sleep for many hours being the insane worrier of her two parents and of course i checked on her multiple times that night, i guess to make sure she was breathing at a normal rate? what else was i looking for? who knows, anyway she got a nice knot on her head and a little bit of bruising, but thank god for her little blonde bangs. and thank you god for the bruising not being worse. and no black eye. i hate accidents like this, but its the reality of little kids. they will fall and get big boo boos sometimes. it sucks, you feel like a bad parent for a little bit (at least i do), and then they're over it, and in a day or two the boo boo is gone. i've struggled with this a lot, guilt over injuries/not being able to prevent any and all injury, but i'm (still) learning to accept it. ug, i still hate it.
on a more positive note is what i love, sofia's night time kisses. she and lovedove have had a preset kiss routine including butterfly kisses, eskimo kisses, hawaiian kisses for quite some time now. lately sofia will grab my face to make sure i get some of the special kisses too. its the cutest and most loving routine i have ever seen, and im so happy to be a part of it.
i guess i don't have much to say. my nose has been really dry, and i've continued to have some pubic bone pain here and there, it comes and it goes. other than those 2 things, i feel pretty good, and i'm pretty sure i don't even have to mention that i'm completely exhausted most of the time. i think that's a given at this stage in the game keeping in mind that i waddle after a 2 yr old all day before i head to work at 4pm, get home at 9:30, inhale dinner, and watch an hour of tv.
i feel like this post is really random. whatever, im hungry.
i can't believe that Sofia is 2 (plus a month) and i am totally in awe of her. babies grow up sooooooooooooo fast, its almost unbelievable despite witnessing her tiny growth every single day of her life. i can't believe we'll have another teeny tiny baby in this apartment in just a few short months. its wild. also wild, her accidental fall over the back of the couch the other morning. she just leaned over the couch too far (while jumping up and down of course) and took a
on a more positive note is what i love, sofia's night time kisses. she and lovedove have had a preset kiss routine including butterfly kisses, eskimo kisses, hawaiian kisses for quite some time now. lately sofia will grab my face to make sure i get some of the special kisses too. its the cutest and most loving routine i have ever seen, and im so happy to be a part of it.
i guess i don't have much to say. my nose has been really dry, and i've continued to have some pubic bone pain here and there, it comes and it goes. other than those 2 things, i feel pretty good, and i'm pretty sure i don't even have to mention that i'm completely exhausted most of the time. i think that's a given at this stage in the game keeping in mind that i waddle after a 2 yr old all day before i head to work at 4pm, get home at 9:30, inhale dinner, and watch an hour of tv.
i feel like this post is really random. whatever, im hungry.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
26w/25w3d
first of all, baby was jumping around like CRAZY last night when lovedove and i headed to bed. we were just laying in bed talking and i was laying on my right side and she was beating the crap out of the left side of my belly. i couldn't stop smiling and lovedove got to feel some of the best kicks/punches/etc i've had so far. it was so much fun, she was a little crazy person for like 2 or 3 minutes, it was great.
im starting to think about if i want pregnancy photos. i have a few creative friends with cameras who im sure would love to help out with something like that if i decided i wanted to do it, but im always very torn about how i feel about the designs/poses and what i would actually want for our family if we did do a little photo shoot. sometimes i feel like some maternity photos are too sexy, but i like the silhouette ones sometimes. i have no idea what i'd want, however... i do know what i wouldn't want. completely hysterical to me, wishing good luck to those kids in dealing with their interesting parents as they age.
had another sonogram today. love to see the little one in there doing well. had a newbie doing the sono though. i love the really experienced ones who know how to get great shots of baby for the take home pics, the one i had today, not so much. i know everyone has to start somewhere, but i totally have my fave sono techs. pics were ok though. i appreciate them regardless of quality will get one on here before i finish this post. my dr was there to review the images and said that baby "looks great, not too big, not too small. absolutely average". thats right kiddo, you stay right there in the middle. doc said she's almost 2 lbs now, right amount of fluid around her. my next appt with my dr is in 2 weeks, and my next sono is in 3 weeks on halloween morning. amazingly i have zero dr appts next week, cant even remember the last time that happened and im pretty happy about it. will schedule a playdate with a cousin and hopefully be able to run some errands. dare i put vacuuming on the list for next week?
here's one of the 4 pics she gave me. not sure if there is a best one. they are kind of scary halloweenie and make baby look like she has crazy vampire teeth or something.
im starting to think about if i want pregnancy photos. i have a few creative friends with cameras who im sure would love to help out with something like that if i decided i wanted to do it, but im always very torn about how i feel about the designs/poses and what i would actually want for our family if we did do a little photo shoot. sometimes i feel like some maternity photos are too sexy, but i like the silhouette ones sometimes. i have no idea what i'd want, however... i do know what i wouldn't want. completely hysterical to me, wishing good luck to those kids in dealing with their interesting parents as they age.
had another sonogram today. love to see the little one in there doing well. had a newbie doing the sono though. i love the really experienced ones who know how to get great shots of baby for the take home pics, the one i had today, not so much. i know everyone has to start somewhere, but i totally have my fave sono techs. pics were ok though. i appreciate them regardless of quality will get one on here before i finish this post. my dr was there to review the images and said that baby "looks great, not too big, not too small. absolutely average". thats right kiddo, you stay right there in the middle. doc said she's almost 2 lbs now, right amount of fluid around her. my next appt with my dr is in 2 weeks, and my next sono is in 3 weeks on halloween morning. amazingly i have zero dr appts next week, cant even remember the last time that happened and im pretty happy about it. will schedule a playdate with a cousin and hopefully be able to run some errands. dare i put vacuuming on the list for next week?
here's one of the 4 pics she gave me. not sure if there is a best one. they are kind of scary halloweenie and make baby look like she has crazy vampire teeth or something.
congrats to the two mommies at Lezbemoms and welcome Paxton!
Monday, October 8, 2012
"accomplishments"
accomplishment #1. i shaved my legs on friday. yes, this qualifies as an accomplishment. not because i'm so big that i can't bend anymore, just because i haven't wanted to/been able to dedicate myself to actually shaving my legs in quite a while. really the only reason i wound up doing it was because i have a sonogram on wednesday and i think they might do a cervical length check with the transvaginal wand thing and i would feel bad if the tech/dr realized i had let my legs become bear legs. i was going to give a go at waxing them, but i half chickened out and half didn't have the energy to actually find a waxing kit. i was going to have a wax my legs party and invite a few friends (that i didn't think would be repulsed by my leg hair/wouldnt care if they were drunk/might get a good laugh out of me dealing with waxing pain lol) to come over and help, since i can't embark in many other thrilling adult activities (aka alcohol consumption). clearly i that didn't happen, but i've got a whole 3 months left. maybe it will make for an interesting friday night before baby gets here.
accomplishment #2. i've been able to sneeze for a few days without peeing on myself, i'm not sure why. i've been struggling with that pretty badly for the last few weeks. im kind of too lazy to do kegals. whatever im sure ill pay for that in the end. hopefully i can birth this baby vaginally anyway despite my laziness with kegals and i wont have to blame myself if her delivery comes to a c section bc my labor isns't progressing due to my weak pelvic floor muscles.
thrilled to read that baby boy may be making his debut soon over at Lezbemoms. hoping things to well and he's happy and healthy when he arrives.
i'm trying to think of more accomplishments but they seem to be few and far between these days. maybe i'll be able to add vacuuming the apt this week to the list. we shall see.
accomplishment #2. i've been able to sneeze for a few days without peeing on myself, i'm not sure why. i've been struggling with that pretty badly for the last few weeks. im kind of too lazy to do kegals. whatever im sure ill pay for that in the end. hopefully i can birth this baby vaginally anyway despite my laziness with kegals and i wont have to blame myself if her delivery comes to a c section bc my labor isns't progressing due to my weak pelvic floor muscles.
thrilled to read that baby boy may be making his debut soon over at Lezbemoms. hoping things to well and he's happy and healthy when he arrives.
i'm trying to think of more accomplishments but they seem to be few and far between these days. maybe i'll be able to add vacuuming the apt this week to the list. we shall see.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
symptoms and randoms
i feel like i have very few of them. the one that strikes me the most is my sense of smell. i can smell everything. sometimes its wonderful, when you pass an eatery and think, oh that smells so good. sometimes its torture. for example, as you may have read i went to my regular endocrinologist on tuesday. im usually a baby in comparison to the other individuals in the waiting room. on tuesday when i walked in, i was met with a pretty much empty waiting room, but the overwhelming stench of elderly ass. im not sure how i know what elderly ass smells like, but im pretty sure thats what this room smells like with a pregnant lady nose. it was strikingly disturbing to say the least.
im not really getting specific cravings yet, but anything that sounds good to eat or looks good, or anything i think of, I WANT, and i want it NOW. this has been rare and is not that far from my non pregnant food cravings.
ive been having cramping probably every day or so. im ok when they're just noticeable but i do tend to get a little nervous when they're strong-ish. i just have to tell myself that my body is doing what it needs to do. ive also had some hints of color on my pantyliner daily. i think its mostly tan tinted, the nurses said to expect that from the progesterone. ive had a little spotting, pink, but pretty rarely, and not a lot. doing my best to stay calm when that happens, i think im doing a decent job.
also, im irritable, sometimes.
i think the thing i love the most is that im falling asleep quickly at night. i feel like i put my head on the pillow, and as soon as i am comfy enough, im out like a light, which is super nice because ive never been that good at falling asleep quickly.
onto the randoms..
1. i forgot to write that during our 2ww, both lovedove and i had dreams that i got bfns.
2. ive seen the justin beiber "boyfriend" video twice in the last 2 days, and i feel like a super old lady watching it. he's what? 18? which means that pretty much everyone in that video is what.. 18-23 which makes the oldest person in that video 5 years my junior? its strange.
3. yesterday was our anniversary and lovedove and i had a wonderful day. she let me sleep in until about 8:45(which was amazing, today im returning the favor), and then we got ready to go to the all-star games for the NYCGBL. we also did dinner, my parents had called to pick up the tab, (thanks mom and dad!), and then we went to the movies to see the dictator. it was hysterical anda little offensive, pretty much par for the course for sasha baron cohen.
4. sofia has always had an obsession with shoes. it was probably one of her first words. now she's big enough to put her feet in ours and shuffle around the house. i love every second of it.
5. we're getting a new used car from my dad. he gets a new business car every 4 years, so he gives his "old" one to one of his daughters. my sister got the last one in 2008 because they bought me my hyundai in 2003. so, i guess its my turn again. we'll be inheriting a 2008 honda accord in wonderful condition. a few minor issues here and there but clearly a large gift. i kind of have mixed feeling about it because i absolutely love my car. granted its 10 years old now, but it has been such a good car. no huge issues, lots of flat tires and headlight changes, but thats about the worst of it. its a small sedan that was always able to haul everyone and anything, and was small enough to fit into tight spots. according to the specifics i just looked up, the accord will only be a foot and a half larger than my current car, but im not sure thats true. we'll see. once we get this car, we'll officially be complete adults bc our parents have paid our car insurance to date, and this will mark the end of that. luckily for us we found a great quote through geico because lovedove is a teacher. thank god, car insurance in ny can be so insane. so long story short, ill be heading to the dmv at least once in the next few weeks (SHOOT ME). i might try to talk my dad into going out to long island bc dmvs in queens are terrifyingly packed and slow as shit, always.
this is too long and sofia is getting antsy.
hope all of you ladies are doing well!
im not really getting specific cravings yet, but anything that sounds good to eat or looks good, or anything i think of, I WANT, and i want it NOW. this has been rare and is not that far from my non pregnant food cravings.
ive been having cramping probably every day or so. im ok when they're just noticeable but i do tend to get a little nervous when they're strong-ish. i just have to tell myself that my body is doing what it needs to do. ive also had some hints of color on my pantyliner daily. i think its mostly tan tinted, the nurses said to expect that from the progesterone. ive had a little spotting, pink, but pretty rarely, and not a lot. doing my best to stay calm when that happens, i think im doing a decent job.
also, im irritable, sometimes.
i think the thing i love the most is that im falling asleep quickly at night. i feel like i put my head on the pillow, and as soon as i am comfy enough, im out like a light, which is super nice because ive never been that good at falling asleep quickly.
onto the randoms..
1. i forgot to write that during our 2ww, both lovedove and i had dreams that i got bfns.
2. ive seen the justin beiber "boyfriend" video twice in the last 2 days, and i feel like a super old lady watching it. he's what? 18? which means that pretty much everyone in that video is what.. 18-23 which makes the oldest person in that video 5 years my junior? its strange.
3. yesterday was our anniversary and lovedove and i had a wonderful day. she let me sleep in until about 8:45(which was amazing, today im returning the favor), and then we got ready to go to the all-star games for the NYCGBL. we also did dinner, my parents had called to pick up the tab, (thanks mom and dad!), and then we went to the movies to see the dictator. it was hysterical and
5. we're getting a new used car from my dad. he gets a new business car every 4 years, so he gives his "old" one to one of his daughters. my sister got the last one in 2008 because they bought me my hyundai in 2003. so, i guess its my turn again. we'll be inheriting a 2008 honda accord in wonderful condition. a few minor issues here and there but clearly a large gift. i kind of have mixed feeling about it because i absolutely love my car. granted its 10 years old now, but it has been such a good car. no huge issues, lots of flat tires and headlight changes, but thats about the worst of it. its a small sedan that was always able to haul everyone and anything, and was small enough to fit into tight spots. according to the specifics i just looked up, the accord will only be a foot and a half larger than my current car, but im not sure thats true. we'll see. once we get this car, we'll officially be complete adults bc our parents have paid our car insurance to date, and this will mark the end of that. luckily for us we found a great quote through geico because lovedove is a teacher. thank god, car insurance in ny can be so insane. so long story short, ill be heading to the dmv at least once in the next few weeks (SHOOT ME). i might try to talk my dad into going out to long island bc dmvs in queens are terrifyingly packed and slow as shit, always.
this is too long and sofia is getting antsy.
hope all of you ladies are doing well!
Saturday, May 12, 2012
4w3d :o)
so of course i wound up telling just about everyone (except my coworkers) who knows that we've been ttc that im pregnant. im trying to stress how early it is to everyone, but everyone seems to be blowing over that detail and just responding in a very happy and excited way. whatever, it made me feel good to be able to tell people.
so now that i know im pregnant im constantly super worried about my sugar. i have been waking up higher than i want to, 115, id prefer to be under 90 honestly, so today i tweaked the settings on my pump. time will tell if it works out. i had a little issue today when i went to watch the NYCGBL Women's Championship games. I think it was a combination of my adrenaline running high watching the games ( im quite the cheerleader when im not playing lol), and dehydration. I guess i just didnt drink enough so i stayed around 160 which is higher than id prefer to be for more than an hour. on the way home i basically chugged a 1 liter bottle of water, i guess i really was thirsty, and shortly after that my sugar calmed down. lesson learned. ill stay hydrated. when we got home i got pretty tired and took my first pregnant nap. it was like heaven. i napped for about an hour and i felt like i could have stayed in bed for the rest of the day. i got up so that i wouldnt miss out on the rest of the day with lovedove and sofia and i ate and magically became re-energized.
speaking of staying hydrated... ive always been a huge water drinker. i have a new obsession with a new beverage. seltzer. i love it so much. i think it helps me cope with my diet's new lack of beer, because beer is really the only carbonated beverage i drank on a regular basis before getting pregnant. so i buy a few different flavors, usually nothing too sweet, and i drink huge amounts of it. i read on somebody's blog that some doctors recommend drinking a gallon of water a day. im pretty sure that wont be a problem for me. a gallon is a little less than 4 liters, 8 pints to be exact, and im pretty sure i drink that amount on the average day. seltzer is a wonderful and welcomed addition to my beverage diet.
i sneezed today, and held it in, old habit, and i felt some pressure in my ute/ovary area. then i was like "oh crap, can i do damage like that?". i've been working on sneezing out loud since i had my ER done. i made the mistake of holding one of my sneezes in and felt like this guy but instead of my eyes and ears popping out i felt like my ovaries were going to pop out of my body. it was unpleasant, but the pain passed quickly. something as simple as a sneeze cant hurt little embie right?
back to the 30 day challenge today, i skipped yesterday bc i was celebrating my good news. poor excuse i know but i didnt want to bother blogging for a second time last night.
qotd 25
what was your first baby or pregnancy related purchase you ever made? was it before or after you started ttc? why did you choose that particular item to buy first?
the first purchase i made for pregnancy/baby#2, was actually a present for baby #1. i bought a "big sister" shirt for sofia in a 2T (because it was on sale and she's pretty tiny.. about 50th %ile on height and weight charts for children her age) in hopes that i would be pregnant in time for her to wear it/have it fit her once baby #2 arrives. i did purchase this item prior to becoming pregnant. i chose to purchase this first, um, i guess because im kind of petrified of how Sofia will act when we actually do give her a brother or sister, so i know we'll have to make her feel super special as the older sibling. after we got the results of the beta yesterday we asked Sofia "would you like a brother OR a sister?" her response was "No." we were looking for a preference, not her absolute refusal to even consider that there might be another baby entering the family. it was hysterical, its not like she would have been able to actually say brother or sister, but we thought she would have at least tried.
so now that i know im pregnant im constantly super worried about my sugar. i have been waking up higher than i want to, 115, id prefer to be under 90 honestly, so today i tweaked the settings on my pump. time will tell if it works out. i had a little issue today when i went to watch the NYCGBL Women's Championship games. I think it was a combination of my adrenaline running high watching the games ( im quite the cheerleader when im not playing lol), and dehydration. I guess i just didnt drink enough so i stayed around 160 which is higher than id prefer to be for more than an hour. on the way home i basically chugged a 1 liter bottle of water, i guess i really was thirsty, and shortly after that my sugar calmed down. lesson learned. ill stay hydrated. when we got home i got pretty tired and took my first pregnant nap. it was like heaven. i napped for about an hour and i felt like i could have stayed in bed for the rest of the day. i got up so that i wouldnt miss out on the rest of the day with lovedove and sofia and i ate and magically became re-energized.
speaking of staying hydrated... ive always been a huge water drinker. i have a new obsession with a new beverage. seltzer. i love it so much. i think it helps me cope with my diet's new lack of beer, because beer is really the only carbonated beverage i drank on a regular basis before getting pregnant. so i buy a few different flavors, usually nothing too sweet, and i drink huge amounts of it. i read on somebody's blog that some doctors recommend drinking a gallon of water a day. im pretty sure that wont be a problem for me. a gallon is a little less than 4 liters, 8 pints to be exact, and im pretty sure i drink that amount on the average day. seltzer is a wonderful and welcomed addition to my beverage diet.
i sneezed today, and held it in, old habit, and i felt some pressure in my ute/ovary area. then i was like "oh crap, can i do damage like that?". i've been working on sneezing out loud since i had my ER done. i made the mistake of holding one of my sneezes in and felt like this guy but instead of my eyes and ears popping out i felt like my ovaries were going to pop out of my body. it was unpleasant, but the pain passed quickly. something as simple as a sneeze cant hurt little embie right?
back to the 30 day challenge today, i skipped yesterday bc i was celebrating my good news. poor excuse i know but i didnt want to bother blogging for a second time last night.
qotd 25
what was your first baby or pregnancy related purchase you ever made? was it before or after you started ttc? why did you choose that particular item to buy first?
the first purchase i made for pregnancy/baby#2, was actually a present for baby #1. i bought a "big sister" shirt for sofia in a 2T (because it was on sale and she's pretty tiny.. about 50th %ile on height and weight charts for children her age) in hopes that i would be pregnant in time for her to wear it/have it fit her once baby #2 arrives. i did purchase this item prior to becoming pregnant. i chose to purchase this first, um, i guess because im kind of petrified of how Sofia will act when we actually do give her a brother or sister, so i know we'll have to make her feel super special as the older sibling. after we got the results of the beta yesterday we asked Sofia "would you like a brother OR a sister?" her response was "No." we were looking for a preference, not her absolute refusal to even consider that there might be another baby entering the family. it was hysterical, its not like she would have been able to actually say brother or sister, but we thought she would have at least tried.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
anxiously awaiting the beta
i called my RE office to speak to my nurse and ask if i needed to schedule my bloods appt for tomorrow or if i could just come in. she said it should already be scheduled for me and to just come in. then she asked how i have been feeling and i said fine and told her i had been poss. she said that was cheating and said to just wait on the beta bc hpts can be really sensitive. i know that its not "official" until the blood results come in. i know that i have to have at least 2 betas before i can really call myself pregnant. i guess i had started to feel kind of confident based on the number of strong positives ive gotten that they'll confirm my pregnancy in the coming days, and now my nurse has gone and lead me into the land of uncertainty once again. i guess its a necessary reality check, but i like the small sense of calm that i felt when i would get a strong +, by no means do i think its my green light to a perfect full term pregnancy where they hand me my child in 37 weeks. im aware of all of the hurdles, all of the markers, etc. ive been there, from the partner perspective so i almost feel like the stress is even greater when its not your body.
i need to just relax. stressing the unknown isnt going to do me any favors. i said all i wanted to know from doing the hpts was just get a hint towards how i "should" be feeling. i "should" feel good at this point knowing that im testing positive on hpts. i hate the word should. i need to stop using it. i need to relax.
here's disa helping me relax (and preventing me from blogging for a few minutes). when she puts her big puppy head on my chest it really does calm me down. she's such a snuggler and i love that about her. she's pretty good at giving doggie hugs when she's snuggling. she's a big mush and i know that we have not done enough to promote personal space boundaries for when we have guests, but it is completely hysterical to see her just lay all over people who enter our home. most of them dont care, but we always make her get down if/when one of our guests is uncomfortable. she just has too much love to give.
i need to just relax. stressing the unknown isnt going to do me any favors. i said all i wanted to know from doing the hpts was just get a hint towards how i "should" be feeling. i "should" feel good at this point knowing that im testing positive on hpts. i hate the word should. i need to stop using it. i need to relax.
here's disa helping me relax (and preventing me from blogging for a few minutes). when she puts her big puppy head on my chest it really does calm me down. she's such a snuggler and i love that about her. she's pretty good at giving doggie hugs when she's snuggling. she's a big mush and i know that we have not done enough to promote personal space boundaries for when we have guests, but it is completely hysterical to see her just lay all over people who enter our home. most of them dont care, but we always make her get down if/when one of our guests is uncomfortable. she just has too much love to give.
qotd 24 (im getting tired of blogging every single day)
does your religion (or lack of) help/hurt/affect your fertility journey? does it affect what treatments you do?
i want to say that my religion does not play that much of a role in my fertility journey because if i answered that question off the top of my head i would say no. with that said, i do thank God every night for all of the good things in my life and i do ask for his help going forward bc i know that i have no control over what happens. i feel like i kind of plead with him because i feel like he pulls the strings in life. it hasn't affected the treatments we've done and i think that it is unfortunate when religion hinders families from utilizing all of the treatments available to them. i get it, but i think its sad. so i guess my religion does play a role, just not the leading role. i think the affect it has on our journey is just removing the burden of fault if something were to go awry, and giving us a place to put our thanks when things go how we'd like.
i think i got my thoughts across, i hope that made sense.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
cinco de mayo
and i didnt have a drink all day, at a cinco de mayo/surprise 30th birthday party. im sure it looked quite suspicious but im pretty sure everyone else was too busy getting drunk to really notice. it was hard not to have a drink, so i had a margarita mix (only) spritzer. it did the trick. not the best tasting virgin drink ever but it made me feel festive for a second. i drank a crap load of seltzer and ate a ton of party food. im still so full.
i have definitely been feeling weird twinges in my lower abdomen and ovary areas, but im sure its just my body settling back into not-being-over-stimulated-mode though its still enduring extra high levels of hormones. my appetite is also out of control. all i want is greasy fried foods and desserts, lovedove says that is the way she felt too early in her pregnancy, so its either that, or the progesterone, or maybe both. one can hope right?
lovedove had a dream i got my period, i hope that dream doesnt come true next saturday. im trying to stay positive and hopeful, and im planning on filling my week with outings so that friday morning comes before i lose my mind.
qotd
5 pet peeves.
1. unanswered ringing telephones.
2. people who think they're "too cool". bite me.
3. people who have all of the answers/all of the advice in the world about any and every topic possible, even though they have no life experience in those areas.
4. people who breed pit bulls/strive to maintain the breeds (inaccurate) rough/tough/big/mean reputation.
5. people who display excessive pdas.
maybe i dont like people that much. lol.
i have definitely been feeling weird twinges in my lower abdomen and ovary areas, but im sure its just my body settling back into not-being-over-stimulated-mode though its still enduring extra high levels of hormones. my appetite is also out of control. all i want is greasy fried foods and desserts, lovedove says that is the way she felt too early in her pregnancy, so its either that, or the progesterone, or maybe both. one can hope right?
lovedove had a dream i got my period, i hope that dream doesnt come true next saturday. im trying to stay positive and hopeful, and im planning on filling my week with outings so that friday morning comes before i lose my mind.
qotd
5 pet peeves.
1. unanswered ringing telephones.
2. people who think they're "too cool". bite me.
3. people who have all of the answers/all of the advice in the world about any and every topic possible, even though they have no life experience in those areas.
4. people who breed pit bulls/strive to maintain the breeds (inaccurate) rough/tough/big/mean reputation.
5. people who display excessive pdas.
maybe i dont like people that much. lol.
Friday, May 4, 2012
starting to really feel it
i hate the 2ww. i feel like i did ok for the first few days because it was such a weird situation with lovedove gone. now i've been reading too much on the internet about people saying that they test as early as like 5days after a transfer and that you can get bfps pretty early, but i really dont want to get into any of that. i feel like i have no symptoms because i keep telling myself i have no symptoms. what would even qualify my justify as symptoms, my addiction to sweets/desire for junk food and fatigue? those are symptoms of any day for me.
i feel like blogs and google posts about where im at (4dp 5dt)so that i can generalize everything, make myself part of a group, so that i can feel like im not the only crazy person trying to navigate the seas of infertility. i read some first time success stories with ivf, some first time failures, and then my head gets swayed depending on what i just read. then i try to just tell myself that it totally doesnt matter/has no bearing what on me/our outcome how other people did with their treatments. everyone is different. every situation is different. they should just anesthetize us for the 2ww. we would give our bodies the best chance of being successful and we wouldnt have to go through this torture. what a thought.
hoping that we can enjoy our weekend and that it goes kind of fast. i feel like my week next week should go kind of fast, as it will be my first full week at work in a while. we'll see. my goal is to wait until at least weds, which will be 9dp5dt. i might get cold feet at that point and be afraid of getting a negative on a hpt and just wind up waiting for the beta, but who knows what my nerves will make me do at that point.
qotd 18
favorite infertility relatable quote.
"even miracles take a little time" - Fairy Godmother, in Cinderella
“If a tree falls in the forest, can anyone hear it? If an infertile bangs her head against the wall in a bathroom at a baby shower, can anyone hear her?”
i feel like blogs and google posts about where im at (4dp 5dt)so that i can generalize everything, make myself part of a group, so that i can feel like im not the only crazy person trying to navigate the seas of infertility. i read some first time success stories with ivf, some first time failures, and then my head gets swayed depending on what i just read. then i try to just tell myself that it totally doesnt matter/has no bearing what on me/our outcome how other people did with their treatments. everyone is different. every situation is different. they should just anesthetize us for the 2ww. we would give our bodies the best chance of being successful and we wouldnt have to go through this torture. what a thought.
hoping that we can enjoy our weekend and that it goes kind of fast. i feel like my week next week should go kind of fast, as it will be my first full week at work in a while. we'll see. my goal is to wait until at least weds, which will be 9dp5dt. i might get cold feet at that point and be afraid of getting a negative on a hpt and just wind up waiting for the beta, but who knows what my nerves will make me do at that point.
qotd 18
favorite infertility relatable quote.
"even miracles take a little time" - Fairy Godmother, in Cinderella
“If a tree falls in the forest, can anyone hear it? If an infertile bangs her head against the wall in a bathroom at a baby shower, can anyone hear her?”
Sunday, April 29, 2012
thoughts and thoughts and more thoughts
thoughts about this morning... lovedove left and has already arrived safely at her destination. i thought i would be way more emotional when we dropped her off, but i was kind of cold and detached. i almost feel like it was better that way. sofia on the other hand got upset when lovedove kissed her goodbye and closed the back passenger door. when i reentered the car after giving a quick hug and kiss, sofia was already half crying and calling "mama, mamaa". it broke my heart. i told her mommy had to go to work, which is the truth, i just didnt tell her that work would be a few days long instead of a few hours long. to try to put a smile back on her face i took her to McDonal.ds for breakfast. One of our local McD's has a "birthday train" and it is kind of just like one of those quarter machine rides, except its stationary and oversized, and its made out of small booths that are back to back. only the first and last booth have any train extension if that is understandable at all. we were able to have a seat in the first booth, a half booth, with just the bench to sit on and the table located in the engine room/front part of the train. its very difficult to describe this thing. (i took a picture on my phone which would be very simple to post, but lovedove and i still havent discussed posting close up/clear pictures of us/our family and if that would cross the line of this blog being "too" personal). needless to say, we had a great breakfast, she smiled the whole time, and she got a free toy from one of the nice women working there at 7:15 on a sunday morning. when we got home, we played a bunch then watched Enchanted. i fucking love that movie. Sofia managed to say awake for the whole movie which was impressive, and i think we both really enjoyed it. then she laid down for a nap, i showered, and now im on the computer for a few minutes. its been a phenomenal day despite the departure of my love.
thoughts about tomorrow.... got the call from the RE's office. my instructions are to be at their far away location at 10:45 tomorrow morning for my single embryo transfer, with a "comfortably full" bladder. can someone tell me what comfortably full means? that doesnt exist in my world. if my bladder is full, im uncomfortable. i understand that it needs to be full for the abdominal sonogram but im kind of dreading this. add to that the fact that my lower abdomen has been bloated and distended as well as slightly sore since the egg retrieval, i really do not have high hopes for the potential level of discomfort i'm going to experience. whatever though, God knows ill do anything to get to where i want to be in this situation. im glad its not super early, or too close to rush hour, i just hope its not too difficult to time. one of the nurses had said to empty my bladder before the drive to the office and drink fluids in the car on the way. sounds like a good enough plan. hoping that i dont get delayed or anything once i arrive. i think ill leave on the early side to allow time for picking up my friend(my emotional support since mom and sister are working, mother in law is watching sof at home) and allowing time for potential traffic. i figure if i get there 15 minutes early i can either sit in the parking lot or the waiting room. oh im sure my head will be spinning way too fast tomorrow.
other thoughts.... i can not believe that there are embryos with my dna sitting in a little dish, waiting for me. at this very moment, they exist and each one of them is potentially our baby. this shit blows my mind. if i tried to explain this to my (very old school) 91year old grandmother, i think she might faint, and then ask for a shot of scotch (what she attributes her long healthy life to: a shot of scotch when you are in pain/cant sleep, a pb&j every morning, and frying eggplant and cauliflower. omg i love her too much i could write a million word post about her). i just can not believe that we are so fortunate to have amazing insurance, the money we saved for this exact purpose (which is starting to dwindle), and a healthy "baby" girl to keep us busy and sane and present in the moment through this whole escapade. not to mention an overwhelming amount of support from our family and friends (and fellow bloggers) that are privy to this process. i just feel so blessed even with everything we've gone through, and i hope that we get to the next part of our journey soon.
which brings me to my next thought.. we havent gotten any new information about the embies since we were told how many were fertilized. im assuming that tomorrow they'll tell me all about the one(s) that was/were strong enough to last the few days in the artificial environment. i hope that i get to see pictures of the cells, so many women seem to be given pictures or glances of pictures that wind up on their blog and id be really interested in seeing my own little guys in the earliest stages. are they able to tell the gender of each blast? is that possible this early? i have no idea actually. i just wonder.
and my last random thoughts are about trying to give advice for anyone who does an egg retrieval. stay hydrated and rest, which is probably what your doctor will tell you, but really, stay hydrated. yesterday i didn't drink enough water and/or gat.orade (i read online that a few women said they were told to drink 100 oz of gat.orade a day) and i felt like garbage. the bloating was so much worse, i was super uncomfortable. the egg retrieval itself is not bad at all, the following days aren't as wonderful, at least for me they werent.
wow this is long. felt good to get it all out though, just qotd left...
13. Describe your dream vacation.
at this point in time id have to say that it would just be lovedove and i, on some magical 6 month excursion, in a crazy dream/bubble where we didnt miss our babies (fur and human) and we travel to a bunch of different destinations around the world. beaches/resorts, historic sites, party towns, jungles, desserts, big cities, places known for their natural beauty, etc. but i dont think we'd be staying at the ice hotel in sweden, but id love to go to sweden too. i know that is a very non-descript overview, but i guess i dont know what our dream vacation would be. my brain isn't focused enough to even try to formulate a more thought out answer at this point in time. maybe ill come back to this one to elaborate, one day.
thoughts about tomorrow.... got the call from the RE's office. my instructions are to be at their far away location at 10:45 tomorrow morning for my single embryo transfer, with a "comfortably full" bladder. can someone tell me what comfortably full means? that doesnt exist in my world. if my bladder is full, im uncomfortable. i understand that it needs to be full for the abdominal sonogram but im kind of dreading this. add to that the fact that my lower abdomen has been bloated and distended as well as slightly sore since the egg retrieval, i really do not have high hopes for the potential level of discomfort i'm going to experience. whatever though, God knows ill do anything to get to where i want to be in this situation. im glad its not super early, or too close to rush hour, i just hope its not too difficult to time. one of the nurses had said to empty my bladder before the drive to the office and drink fluids in the car on the way. sounds like a good enough plan. hoping that i dont get delayed or anything once i arrive. i think ill leave on the early side to allow time for picking up my friend(my emotional support since mom and sister are working, mother in law is watching sof at home) and allowing time for potential traffic. i figure if i get there 15 minutes early i can either sit in the parking lot or the waiting room. oh im sure my head will be spinning way too fast tomorrow.
other thoughts.... i can not believe that there are embryos with my dna sitting in a little dish, waiting for me. at this very moment, they exist and each one of them is potentially our baby. this shit blows my mind. if i tried to explain this to my (very old school) 91year old grandmother, i think she might faint, and then ask for a shot of scotch (what she attributes her long healthy life to: a shot of scotch when you are in pain/cant sleep, a pb&j every morning, and frying eggplant and cauliflower. omg i love her too much i could write a million word post about her). i just can not believe that we are so fortunate to have amazing insurance, the money we saved for this exact purpose (which is starting to dwindle), and a healthy "baby" girl to keep us busy and sane and present in the moment through this whole escapade. not to mention an overwhelming amount of support from our family and friends (and fellow bloggers) that are privy to this process. i just feel so blessed even with everything we've gone through, and i hope that we get to the next part of our journey soon.
which brings me to my next thought.. we havent gotten any new information about the embies since we were told how many were fertilized. im assuming that tomorrow they'll tell me all about the one(s) that was/were strong enough to last the few days in the artificial environment. i hope that i get to see pictures of the cells, so many women seem to be given pictures or glances of pictures that wind up on their blog and id be really interested in seeing my own little guys in the earliest stages. are they able to tell the gender of each blast? is that possible this early? i have no idea actually. i just wonder.
and my last random thoughts are about trying to give advice for anyone who does an egg retrieval. stay hydrated and rest, which is probably what your doctor will tell you, but really, stay hydrated. yesterday i didn't drink enough water and/or gat.orade (i read online that a few women said they were told to drink 100 oz of gat.orade a day) and i felt like garbage. the bloating was so much worse, i was super uncomfortable. the egg retrieval itself is not bad at all, the following days aren't as wonderful, at least for me they werent.
wow this is long. felt good to get it all out though, just qotd left...
13. Describe your dream vacation.
at this point in time id have to say that it would just be lovedove and i, on some magical 6 month excursion, in a crazy dream/bubble where we didnt miss our babies (fur and human) and we travel to a bunch of different destinations around the world. beaches/resorts, historic sites, party towns, jungles, desserts, big cities, places known for their natural beauty, etc. but i dont think we'd be staying at the ice hotel in sweden, but id love to go to sweden too. i know that is a very non-descript overview, but i guess i dont know what our dream vacation would be. my brain isn't focused enough to even try to formulate a more thought out answer at this point in time. maybe ill come back to this one to elaborate, one day.
Friday, April 20, 2012
question 4
Besides Mother's Day, what is the toughest holiday for you as an infertile?
I think that id have to say Thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong I'm very thankful everyday and on Thanksgiving, I think i just get irritated by how seemingly thankless everyone without fertility issues seems to be. I feel like because infertility is still kind of a taboo topic in society (which i think is completely stupid) no one/fewer people are willing to talk about their struggles except to their closest friends, so then fewer people know how common of a problem it is for people trying to create families. i feel like that just kind of trickles down and the people who are experiencing difficulties feel completely marginalized and isolated because they dont know how other people will react, ie with pity/judgement/whatever, and that keeps everyone quiet and everyone thinking that having a baby is super simple for everyone. although im sure that most people trying to have children probably know one or two people who have struggled with infertility, the majority of those people probably look at that friend/family member/coworker as the odd man out. honestly, i guess people with fertility issues are technically the "odd men out" but there are a lot more infertile couples out there than anybody thinks. i think that in general, fertile people just have no idea what infertile people go through, or how lucky they are that they dont have to go through any of it. well aren't i just bitter about my infertility issues lol. sorry that was a pretty negative rant.
I guess i also feel like thanksgiving is hard because last October we got a bfn and we weren't able to try in November so I was kind of bitter at that time of year. I love thanksgiving, we host, im very thankful for the positive things in my life, and also thankful that the negatives that exist aren't more more negative/devastating, but it certainly was difficult for me last year.
So i decided to change the background of the blog, it was too grey for too long, so i guess these beautiful rainbow bubbles for me are like the (hopefully) many follicles/eggs getting ready for the big event.
im happy its friday even though we have tons to do this weekend. tonight we have laundry, switching computer tasks, and movies to watch. tomorrow morning i have to go for bloods and a sono 45 minutes away, then home to get lovedove and sofia, then to brooklyn for basketball, then to the end of the season bbq in a different part of brooklyn, then home, then a 30th surprise party for a lifelong friend that begins at 10pm which is now very late for me. God that makes me feel so old. needless to say i will be ducking out of that event very early. tomorrow will certainly be a long day but as far as i know we have no plans for sunday. thank God. after a day like saturday i need a day of nothing to follow.
good luck to anybody trying/waiting/etc. hang in there ladies.
wishing you all a lovely weekend (even though ill be posting every day for the 30 day challenge)
I think that id have to say Thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong I'm very thankful everyday and on Thanksgiving, I think i just get irritated by how seemingly thankless everyone without fertility issues seems to be. I feel like because infertility is still kind of a taboo topic in society (which i think is completely stupid) no one/fewer people are willing to talk about their struggles except to their closest friends, so then fewer people know how common of a problem it is for people trying to create families. i feel like that just kind of trickles down and the people who are experiencing difficulties feel completely marginalized and isolated because they dont know how other people will react, ie with pity/judgement/whatever, and that keeps everyone quiet and everyone thinking that having a baby is super simple for everyone. although im sure that most people trying to have children probably know one or two people who have struggled with infertility, the majority of those people probably look at that friend/family member/coworker as the odd man out. honestly, i guess people with fertility issues are technically the "odd men out" but there are a lot more infertile couples out there than anybody thinks. i think that in general, fertile people just have no idea what infertile people go through, or how lucky they are that they dont have to go through any of it. well aren't i just bitter about my infertility issues lol. sorry that was a pretty negative rant.
I guess i also feel like thanksgiving is hard because last October we got a bfn and we weren't able to try in November so I was kind of bitter at that time of year. I love thanksgiving, we host, im very thankful for the positive things in my life, and also thankful that the negatives that exist aren't more more negative/devastating, but it certainly was difficult for me last year.
So i decided to change the background of the blog, it was too grey for too long, so i guess these beautiful rainbow bubbles for me are like the (hopefully) many follicles/eggs getting ready for the big event.
im happy its friday even though we have tons to do this weekend. tonight we have laundry, switching computer tasks, and movies to watch. tomorrow morning i have to go for bloods and a sono 45 minutes away, then home to get lovedove and sofia, then to brooklyn for basketball, then to the end of the season bbq in a different part of brooklyn, then home, then a 30th surprise party for a lifelong friend that begins at 10pm which is now very late for me. God that makes me feel so old. needless to say i will be ducking out of that event very early. tomorrow will certainly be a long day but as far as i know we have no plans for sunday. thank God. after a day like saturday i need a day of nothing to follow.
good luck to anybody trying/waiting/etc. hang in there ladies.
wishing you all a lovely weekend (even though ill be posting every day for the 30 day challenge)
Thursday, April 19, 2012
day 5, question 3
so last night i got out of work a little bit early, got home, changed, washed my face, and sat down for dinner a good 30 minutes prior to my usual after work routine. i was so thrown off by my irregular timing that i almost forgot to do my injection! thank God lovedove remembered. then i kind of freaked out because i had been so good the two previous nights about doing them at the same time of night, but this was only off by, you guessed it, about 30 minutes. im sure it was no big deal, but i couldnt believe that i had completely forgotten about it. whatever. (yes, im aware that i say/type whatever a lot. ive noticed it so much more since i started blogging)
this morning's bloods and ultrasound went well. they actually did a full physical on me today, and i was like, uh whats up with this? they said its just routine that every so often they do one. didnt bother me i was just surprised. then my assigned nurse did my sonogram. we always chit chat through the process and s through this
he wasnt saying anything but i could tell that she was measuring the follicles. then i asked if i was responding to the meds and she said i was. she didnt tell me how many follicles she saw, but she did say that there were a few, and more on the side without the endometriomas, and she also said that they were all small, but about the same size. so i think that was a positive report. guess i dont have to worry about ohss, so thats good. sometimes when i read other women's blogs i feel like they have so much more information than i do after their appointments, but i almost feel like more information would make me crazier, and i really trust them at my RE's office. so now im just waiting for my instructions as to how to proceed over the next few days with meds, and when i need to come back into the office.
i want this cycle to be the one that works so badly. ive been having trouble keeping my thoughts on the positive side through this whole process just due to the fact that we started off on the wrong foot, and there has been so much shit in the way, so ive started trying to force positive thoughts into my brain every night before i go to bed. my new nightly mantra is:
i will get pregnant.
i will stay pregnant.
i will have a healthy pregnancy.
i will birth a healthy baby.
i actually think it is helping to calm my brain at night and i feel like im falling asleep faster, which is good, because Sofia isn't sleeping through the night much anymore. we think her teeth are bothering her and she's chewing on stuff constantly. AND she was doing so well with bed time teeth brushing for a while (we're trying to start healthy habits early) she would chew on her toothbrush, then would let one of us get the teeth in the back and the front too, but lately its a fight almost every night. poor thing, teething is no fun.
enough of this, time for the qotd.
what is in your handbag?
my bag has always been a catchall. in my bag right now: my diabetes "pack"/large makeup bag (holds my 2 devices, strips, lancets, finger pricker, alcohol prep pads, a small container of sugar, insulin, travel sharps container, glucagon), ponytail holders, a pill bottle with assorted pain relievers, an extra omnipod, feminine products, my glasses in their hard case, my little makeup bag for makeup, a pen, some loose change, and a little container of cheerios. my bag is always heavy, and usually with me the bigger my bag is, the more shit i shove into it.
this morning's bloods and ultrasound went well. they actually did a full physical on me today, and i was like, uh whats up with this? they said its just routine that every so often they do one. didnt bother me i was just surprised. then my assigned nurse did my sonogram. we always chit chat through the process and s through this
he wasnt saying anything but i could tell that she was measuring the follicles. then i asked if i was responding to the meds and she said i was. she didnt tell me how many follicles she saw, but she did say that there were a few, and more on the side without the endometriomas, and she also said that they were all small, but about the same size. so i think that was a positive report. guess i dont have to worry about ohss, so thats good. sometimes when i read other women's blogs i feel like they have so much more information than i do after their appointments, but i almost feel like more information would make me crazier, and i really trust them at my RE's office. so now im just waiting for my instructions as to how to proceed over the next few days with meds, and when i need to come back into the office.
i want this cycle to be the one that works so badly. ive been having trouble keeping my thoughts on the positive side through this whole process just due to the fact that we started off on the wrong foot, and there has been so much shit in the way, so ive started trying to force positive thoughts into my brain every night before i go to bed. my new nightly mantra is:
i will get pregnant.
i will stay pregnant.
i will have a healthy pregnancy.
i will birth a healthy baby.
i actually think it is helping to calm my brain at night and i feel like im falling asleep faster, which is good, because Sofia isn't sleeping through the night much anymore. we think her teeth are bothering her and she's chewing on stuff constantly. AND she was doing so well with bed time teeth brushing for a while (we're trying to start healthy habits early) she would chew on her toothbrush, then would let one of us get the teeth in the back and the front too, but lately its a fight almost every night. poor thing, teething is no fun.
enough of this, time for the qotd.
what is in your handbag?
my bag has always been a catchall. in my bag right now: my diabetes "pack"/large makeup bag (holds my 2 devices, strips, lancets, finger pricker, alcohol prep pads, a small container of sugar, insulin, travel sharps container, glucagon), ponytail holders, a pill bottle with assorted pain relievers, an extra omnipod, feminine products, my glasses in their hard case, my little makeup bag for makeup, a pen, some loose change, and a little container of cheerios. my bag is always heavy, and usually with me the bigger my bag is, the more shit i shove into it.
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