no news is good news

well, i've got no news of my own to report really, but i'll get to me later.

a week ago i posted about being "there" early on in the day. it was a normal thursday. lovedove came home from work at the regular time, i went to work, blah blah regular thursday. then im in my first session and my phone rings and my receptionist tells me that lovedove is on line 3. WTF. she never calls me at work, so i know something is up. she's crying and scared and tells me that her mom had a chest xray and they found a spot on her lung. fast forward one week to today. we now know that lovedove's mom has stage 4 lung cancer, and it has spread to other parts of her body. she's currently undergoing testing and getting good care to try to figure out exactly what we're dealing with, and how we can best combat it. needless to say, it was not the merriest christmas. Sofia's christmas was great, she saw her cousins at christmas eve and santa came to visit the cousin's at Gma's christmas eve celebration (the most painstaking holiday celebration of my life, as we found out the stage of the cancer earlier that day), and left her great presents on christmas morning, but i think she can tell that something is off with everyone.

i can not believe that this is my real life right now, none of us can. we're just trying to take things one day at a time bc thinking into the future at all is scary and useless because all we know we have is right now. hell, she's a fighter maybe we've got another 40-50 yrs with her, but there's nothing in this world that guarantees me that i wont get hit by a bus tomorrow, you know? so this is my news, and as a family we're just trying to hold on to each other and figure out the best way to hold our shit together and be strong for each other.

this situation has created a weird emotional space for me. i'm really excited to be getting very close to meeting our next little baby, but a part of me feels:
(a) worried that the joy of this baby being born will be muddled with sadness
(b) guilty that i have such a happy event coming up and my MiL has the fight of her life coming up
(c) bad for lovedove that she is facing all of this at one time
(d) selfish that at times when im doing what needs to be done to help (staying with sofia, doing extra cleaning up, whatever etc) im think.. shit isn't this supposed to be the happy and easy part of my pregnancy?
(e) sooooooooooo scared.
so yea, im not feeling great emotionally, its a really rough place to be. my MiL is truly one of the unique and caring people i've encountered in my life, and she has loved me since the day i entered her home for the first time, and i know that because i've felt it every second. anyway, we're going to fight this, thats that.

updates on me and baby. my official dr date is 36w5d (i still think im 37w2d) and i want this baby to arrive. i hate the pain im in when im rolling over in bed at night, and the pelvic pain sucks on the days i have it. i had my doctor check me yesterday just bc i was curious, she said she got "one fingertip in there" and im "exactly where i should be". she doesn't seem to think i'll go early, but i have had a few contractions that i believe are semi real, but not very painful at all. tons of braxton hicks. tons of fatigue. not sleeping that well lately. grateful to be this far along in a very uneventful and healthy pregnancy. eye appt today to make sure there isn't any bleeding in the back of my eye from the betes + pregnancy. got this picture of chipmunk cheeks yesterday. makes me really happy and anxious to meet her.

20w (minus 1 day)

so i've calmed down significantly since last night. once i brought myself to be able to look at the pictures of this beautiful newborn's face, and she is completely adorable/squeezable/wonderful, i was a lot less angry. i needed to really remind myself that though this name, Cora, was what we had pictured for our next daughter,   it really is just a name. our baby will have the same personality, she will look the same, and hopefully she'll be just as healthy as we hope with or without the name Cora. so i want to thank all of you who took the time to remind me of your own personal baby name stories (i remember them well), and i really appreciate the encouragement. for lovedove and i, i think we're letting it go. Sofia seems to like the new name better too, it seems easier for her to say. crossing my fingers that no one else steals the next name we've set our hearts on. (sidenote, if a fellow blogger somehow uses this name before we do, since we're not necessarily connected IRL, ill be sticking to my guns this time) oh, and feel free to love and use the name Cora if it moves you.

this is the last week of my summer schedule at work and part of me is looking fwd going back to the school year schedule and part of me is dreading it. i LOVE being off on mondays and fridays, but i get to keep my fridays off so i really cant complain. debating hitting the beach one more time as its supposed to be 90 on friday.

i am really struggling with some anxiety about the 20w sono on thurs. i want baby to look just perfect, and im trying to tell myself that the few days ive had with difficult blood sugar levels weren't that bad, and that she's fine. im worried about the measurements of everything, everything forming correctly etc. lovedove informed me that im not enjoying my pregnancy enough last night. she's probably right. i'm always worried about the next thing, unless i've just stepped out of the sono room, bc usually at those times im on cloud 9 for about an hour or two. i've been putting her hand on my belly lately to see if she can feel anything, though i am only feeling things here and there, but lovedove thinks she can feel movement when she's laying with me. i think i can too, im just still having a hard time convincing myself that anything felt below my belly button most likely is in fact baby jumping/kicking around.

hoping that everything will go well on thurs. ill be posting after that appt. hope all of you pregos are feeling good. and for all the not yet pregos, im hoping that my rant about my baby name issue wasn't offensive. i remember the days where i would wish that i would have pregnant lady problems, i just got a little selfish and overly venty last night. your turn is coming, your angel(s) is/are on his/her/their way.

weekend fun (and a freak out)

after my friday morning madness, i had a friend come over and cooked sofia and I an amazing lunch. then, she also stayed so that once lovedove got home from work, we could run back and forth to the laundromat without having to put sofia in and out of the car seat a thousand times (obvious tip to parents-to-be: friends double as great babysitters). we ended friday on the couch with the shawshank redemption, which i had never seen. clearly an amazing movie, i was glad to finally see it. saturday we were up and out early. had to make a quick trip to the mall for lovedove to search for and purchase a new bathing suit top to match bottoms she recently purchased, and then we were off to a friend's house for our first pool party of the summer. we got there around 2pm and sofia lasted until 8:30! an amazing feat for her at this time of year, she is usually in bed at 7/7:30 but we are going to try to alter her sleep schedule so that she'll be able to be up later during the summer. if we don't she's likely to wake up at or before 7 every morning and who wants that? not me, thats for sure. we really had a great time and it was nice to swim and bbq.

sunday we were up and out early again. we were headed to church, a  place we haven't been able to get to lately due to busy schedules, events, etc, poor excuses i know, but we are only comfortable going to the family mass because we feel like there is more leeway for sofia's behavior. she's usually pretty good as long as we bring things to keep her busy. the unforgettable moment at church was when we went up to receive communion. i always hold her in my left arm and receive with my right. well after i received, sofia decided she wanted to receive as well, and dug her hand into the paten (the plate the eucharistic minister holds with the pieces of the eucharist on/in it) in the split second it took me to bless myself before i began to walk back to the pew! a few pieces fell on the floor and i was mortified. i apologized to the eucharistic minister before we walked away and then i quietly cracked up. lovedove (was ahead of me so she missed the whole thing) and couldn't believe it when i told her what happened. i wonder what the people behind me thought. o geez. it did provide us with a few laughs. what better reason is there to ask for God's forgiveness lol.

after church we headed to a local gay pride event (June is Gay pride month) and met up briefly with a few friends. we kind of did our own thing though as our friends stayed in bars (the common non-family way of celebrating), and we walked around the festival, the family version of celebrating gay pride. lovedove, sofia, and i shared a smoothie, some watermelon, and a lemonade and watched some of the parade. all of that walking, plus braving the subway steps, and i was exhausted when we got home. we were home by 3:30pm and i was ready for bed by about 6. i stayed up and just layed on the couch and watched tv with lovedove. my night did include a trip to cvs for snacks i was craving.

our lovely weekend seemed to come to a screeching halt in the early evening when i discovered some slight spotting. i'm used to seeing some brown/tan discharge, sometimes even a little pink, but this time it had a little bit of red in it. fast forward to my brain going to worst case scenario and i was pretty paranoid for the rest of the night. it was only a single episode in the bathroom, but it was a color i haven't seen yet and it freaked me the fuck out. i dreamt about trying to get into some kind of clinic for them to give me a sonogram and tell me that everything was fine, but when i got there they treated me for an ear infection. go figure. needless to say, i slept really poorly, called the practice im trying to become a pt at to see if there were any openings for new pts (and told her.. the same moron i spoke to on friday... that i had some spotting) and she told me no, to just keep calling to see if there are cancellations. after that phone call i placed a call to my fave nurse at my RE's office just to get her advice. should i wait around at this place for the next 2 weeks, or should i seek treatment elsewhere? im waiting for her call back now, i dont expect to hear from her until the afternoon. sigh. i just hope everything is ok.

i think im 7w5d today, and i feel like 8 weeks pregnant sounds truly pregnant. i just feel like every day is so long and all i want to do is tack on more days to this pregnancy and hope that soon ill be less of a nervous wreck. im really not sure if i will get to that point at any point in my pregnancy but i hope i do.

at this point in time i have zero doctor appointments this week, but i do have plans for weds and thurs during my non working hours. as much as i dont look forward to going to work, it does seem to be the best option for me to not think about myself or this pregnancy for a few hours. i still feel mildly nauseous throughout the day and a few times this has made eating challenging. other than that im fatigued, my boobs are larger than ever, and im irritable and have no filter as far as what comes out of my mouth. its interesting to experience.

im tired of typing so im sure you're tired of reading, but thats whats going on. hoping to feel shittier and shittier as the days go on so that i can be more assured that things are going ok with the blueberry.

6w6d

(that number is according to my calculations)

as far as im concerned, tomorrow i'll be 7 weeks pregnant. my sonogram is the following day, when my RE will hopefully tell me all that i've been hoping to hear, and will then tell me exactly how pregnant i really am. 

i'm failing pretty hard in my efforts to just feel happy and confident in this pregnancy. i'm preoccupied and worried pretty much constantly. as much as i try not to "stress" things in life, i worry a lot. i've always been afraid of bad things happening. i had/have a huge fear of dying "young". i guess i just have too much planned for my life/there are so many things i've yet to do, that of course i'd be afraid so weird act of fate would step in and id be out of luck too soon. i'm kind of petrified for thursday. i hope that all of this worrying is for nothing. i think i would be a lot more reassured if i was feeling like garbage every day, but im really not. lovedove keeps telling me to try to calm down, maybe im just going to have a great super easy pregnancy. i guess that would be great for most women, and truly in hindsight i may say how wonderful it was if this is in fact a successful pregnancy where i wind up with a healthy baby at the end, but at this point in time i think i'd prefer to be puking daily, and feeling like crap on a constant basis. i guess its due to the fact that i only had 2 betas, and ive had no testing since to confirm that there's still a baby growing in there. maybe i should take one of those crappy pregnancy tests i hate. wait, maybe that sounds like a bad idea. ug, i just wish i could fast forward 2 days.

so in PUPO news, saturday at our little cousin's 4th birthday, a cousin (older than us) who knew i was going through ivf, politely asked where we were at. she started the convo with the obligatory "so i know i shouldn't ask" and ended with "i think i know how things wound up" (prob bc i didn't have a beer all day). all i said was "yes, you know how things wound up" and she was in tears. clearly very mild, hidden from the rest of the party tears, but she was very excited. she hugged both me and lovedove and was very sweet about it. i told her how early it is and how nervous i am and she said she totally understood and wouldn't say anything to anyone. not sure how true that will wind up being, but i really feel like everyone who knows we were trying, already knows im pregnant. i guess thats just the direct result of being so open about our baby making struggles. 

later in the evening, at party #2, the birthday girl, who also knew about our struggles, came over to me after everyone participated in a shot of tequila, except for me. in her slightly drunken comical voice she said "uh, missy, you're not drinking tonight, are you..." and i responded with a quick "no maam" and a smile and she smiled back. its really strange having sooo many people know that i'm pregnant so early. i kind of feel stupid about it, like, im very aware of the risks this early, but i almost feel justified in having the people around me knowing because all im being is honest. god forbid, if something happens, im sure ill be open about it. if things continue to go well, i will surely be open about it. guess im just trying to further my crusade for complete honesty about fertility struggles that way its not such a taboo subject, at least with the people in our life. 

next....

non-alcoholic beer. yesterday i needed to have a beer. im a beer drinker in my non prego life, and a hot summer holiday-day just isn't complete for me without an ice cold beer. so i bought a 6 pack of "non-alcoholic" becks yesterday. on the bottle it says "contains less than 0.5% alcohol. i totally didn't realize that non alcoholic beers still might technically have some amount of alcohol in them. i guess you learn something new everyday. 

i was pleased with it. it seemed a bit sweeter than a regular beer, but could definitely pass. i was happy to see a few different options at my local distributor. not too bad on price either. glad ill have the option to have a cold one every once in a while.

 

symptoms continue to be mild, at least to me. im almost completely uncensored at this point, if i dont like something, im coming out of my face and saying it. according to everyone i saw saturday night at the bday celebration, my boobs are even more out of control than usual, and removing my bra at night is getting more and more painful each night. which to me is a good thing. libido is kind of revved up, which is not me typically. i guess they're not that mild, but they're not reassuring enough to me, at least until i see what i hope to see on thursday, then hopefully they'll be enough for me. i still have twinges, mostly on the left side of my body, some occassional ones on the right, and some mild cramps overall sometimes. oh, the other thing about saturday night. of course our lovely lady friends were taking a few pictures, and i was trying to look as thin as possible so i was trying to suck my tummy in. it felt different, at least near the bottom half of my belly. that made me feel pregnant.

anyway, im praying im still pregnant. i just feel like it is so strange to feel this "good" after such a hard struggle to get to the point of being pregnant. could i have the easiest pregnancy ever in terms of symptoms? is that even possible??

almost 6 weeks

so im getting there, slowly, slowly. tomorrow i'll be 6 weeks officially, but all of the calculators have me a day ahead (claiming that today im 6 weeks... liars). my gums are a little swollen today which is new. mild fatigue continues, super smelling continues, falling asleep fast continues, oh, and the feeling of fullness started yesterday. i dont think its as noticeable today, but i guess thats because yesterday was the first time i felt it. im also getting those annoying sore at the site pimples here and there. ive only had 2  that id consider that annoying but im wondering what pregnancy will do to my skin. currently i have one on my shoulder thats pretty annoying. whatever.

here in ny its pretty gloomy and supposedly its going to stay gloomy pretty much all week. to make matters worse im stuck in the house until the fedex guy comes to bring me round 2 of my suppositories and baby aspirin. at least its not raining today, not that i mind the rain, i love a good downpour (and can not wait until its warm enough for sofia and i to run around in the rain in the summer)i just dont love the gray hue of the day when its crappy out. i would really like for the guy to come at like.. um.. 11:45, which will hopefully be right when sofia is waking up from her nap and then id like to head out to grab some fruits and veggies and visit my mom for lunch.

my sugars have been pretty steady which im really thrilled about/thankful for bc i have a fucking conniption every time im above 180 for more than like 30 minutes. peanut butter or pb products have seemed to be the culprit each time ive had a problem. since pb is a protein it slows the absorption of sugar into the bloodsteam, which is usually good (prevents spiking* a very fast rise in blood sugar) but it can also delay the rise of blood sugar so that the active time of your insulin may expire before all of the sugars are broken down. its just hard. i feel like if anything goes wrong a way we dont want it to, im going to blame myself. how could i not?  as a diabetic controlling your blood sugar is an annoying and constant job and you dont always have control over what happens. the weight of knowing that if your sugars aren't on point while your baby's major organs are developing is just so much to take in and deal with. i think that things are going well, i try to hang out under 100 most of the time and not to go over 160 when i eat. im doing pretty well with a few difficulties here and there. im just trying to take it day by day, hour by hour.

did i mention that i can not wait to get to this sonogram next week? by that point, according to my calculations ill be 7w1d so im really interested to see what the lentil (not sure how im going to refer to embie over the long haul yet) measures in at. clearly im hoping that all is well and there is a detectable heart beat, spinal pole etc. im kind of dragging my feet on finding an ob, but i just dont feel like its necessary until i see that things are going well on the sonogram. i know it will be kind of late to be finding/meeting with an ob for the first time at 7/8 weeks, but ive been under the close care of my RE this whole time and ive already visited my regular endocrinologist. plus the further along i am in the first trimester, the less they'll be able to scare me with the percentages and statistics about things that go wrong early. im hoping my RE has a nearby recommendation, if not, lovedove did find an all female practice not far from here. sounds right up my alley, only ladies in my alley from here on out, badum ching! oh man, thats the other thing. ive almost completely lost my filter as far as what comes out of my mouth. after my mother-in-laws concert on sunday, lovedove, her pops, and i were waiting outside for mom-in-law. lovedove's dad said something about me having bad taste in something, i cant remember what it was in reference to, but this pregnant genius come back with "we have the same taste in women so i wouldnt be judging my taste in anything". ps lovedove's parents are divorced but still very friendly towards each other. needless to say my little joke wasn't met with any laughing, and overall it was simply awkward. i felt bad about it later. it was just weird weird weird. i usually think odd things but manage to keep them from escaping my mouth. i wonder where that symptom will take me. i hope i dont wind up as the mayor of i-say-really-awkward-things-and-constantly-alienate-those-around-me town. God help me.

i love the blog world, but sometimes i wish i didn't read as much sad/unfortunate stuff as i do. it only makes me crazy. i know as a now pregnant woman that i should just be aware that things like this happen, and in turn be extra super thankful to be preggers, but it just makes me worry so much about what might go wrong.  im just so ready for this baby, i want him/her to stick around and bake for as long as is needed/doable, and then be born a healthy baby. i still rely on my little mantra to keep me calm sometimes and im glad that i started doing that as early as i did. i do actually think it helps.

anyway, crossing my fingers for the ladies trying/testing this week, and hoping that all you pregos are feeling good!

nice and quiet

(early in the day)
sofia is napping and its pretty much the calmest part of my day. the dog is also napping, sprawled out on the other couch. we had a lovely morning. sofia didn't want to dance today (we dance often after breakfast to assist the insulin in breaking down my sugars quickly so my blood sugar level doesn't spike), but we did play with her shape sorter. i was so impressed! we usually don't play with that toy together, but lovedove says they've been playing with it often lately. i was almost in tears to see her little brain working so hard to find the right place to put each shape. i cant believe how smart she is getting, its really insane to watch your children grow and develop.

i made my 6 week ultrasound appt today, and based on the dr's availability it looks like we'll be doing a 7 week ultrasound instead. this wait will most likely be unbearable for me since i'm a total nervous wreck. i've had some super duper light staining these past 2 mornings, that i wouldn't even have noticed if i wasn't completely paranoid and checking constantly. i know that spotting is normal for a large percentage of women who have perfectly healthy pregnancies, i would just prefer to not have any staining at all. im aware that this can be caused by several things, including sexy time, or more likely the 4xdaily suppositories im doing. i think as long as i only see it once a day and its very light i'll be able to not go insane. i just keep telling myself that my betas have been very good and if i'm not having any pain, then there really isn't any reason to worry (the no pain thing may or may not actually be any kind of indicator, ive read several things online). working on that staying calm thing i've been talking about lately, because really, if something goes wrong, God forbid, there isn't anything i can do about it. for now i just need to focus on being happy that im pregnant, it still sounds weird to me, and keeping my sugar in check. my nights have been better since i adjusted my hourly rates during sleep hours and im waking up in better range, which makes me very happy.

one small sidenote about my betas... the thought has entered my brain more than once that the numbers are kind of high. not the highest numbers in the world, but high enough that they seem on-track-ish with twin betas. wouldn't that be the most ironic thing in the world if i had intentionally only transferred one blast and wound up with identical twins? and if i did have twins, its pretty much a guarantee that i'd have twin boys, because im kind of hoping for another girl (we have sooo many lightly used girl clothes, i'd love to be able to use them again) and we have a hard time with boys names. can you imagine? whatever is meant for us is meant for us, but at this point in time i'm hoping for just one, healthy little embie to stick and grow to be a healthy baby.

(afternoon)
went to my regular endocrinologist today. she upped my synt.hroid to 100mcgs from 75mcgs. didnt have much to say other than congrats. i've read enough in books and online about pregnancy and diabetes that i pretty much knew everything she said to me. my next appt with her isnt until july, which seems really far away. whatever, i dont need any additional appts to worry about, if she thinks its fine to wait 8 weeks to see me, then it probably is right?

i was crampy for a few minutes today, about an hour ago. i keep telling myself its nothing, im just very in tune with my body. i've always been able to feel myself ovulate, i guess i just am very sensitive about when things are going on in my body. i just feel so unsure. so many of the blogs i read chronicle difficulty getting pregnant, and ive come across a few where the ladies have problems staying pregnant. im so petrified that something will go wrong. i wish i didn't feel this way. i dont want to be worried( like a psychopath) for the next 9 months.

anyway i have to get ready for work, blah, but at least thats a few good hours where i'm not thinking about myself. i really feel like it is the best job in the world for forgetting your own issues for a while. plus i just remembered that i ordered girl scout cookies from one of my 10 year old clients. i should get them today :o)



qotd 28
Have you ever done something non-traditional to help you conceive?

i think IVF/ICSI is pretty non-traditional. i've said before how i never thought that i'd get to the point where i was in need of services like that. i still can't believe that i did all of that. really life? im pregnant now because i did ivf with icsi which means i did an egg retrieval and single blastocyst transfer? its very very strange. i still feel like the whole process was some kind of weird dream.

i also believe that eating pineapple helps to conceive.