day 5, question 3

so last night i got out of work a little bit early, got home, changed, washed my face, and sat down for dinner a good 30 minutes prior to my usual after work routine. i was so thrown off by my irregular timing that i almost forgot to do my injection! thank God lovedove remembered. then i kind of freaked out because i had been so good the two previous nights about doing them at the same time of night, but this was only off by, you guessed it, about 30 minutes. im sure it was no big deal, but i couldnt believe that i had completely forgotten about it. whatever. (yes, im aware that i say/type whatever a lot. ive noticed it so much more since i started blogging)

this morning's bloods and ultrasound went well. they actually did a full physical on me today, and i was like, uh whats up with this? they said its just routine that every so often they do one. didnt bother me i was just surprised. then my assigned nurse did my sonogram. we always chit chat through the process and s through this
he wasnt saying anything but i could tell that she was measuring the follicles. then i asked if i was responding to the meds and she said i was. she didnt tell me how many follicles she saw, but she did say that there were a few, and more on the side without the endometriomas, and she also said that they were all small, but about the same size. so i think that was a positive report. guess i dont have to worry about ohss, so thats good. sometimes when i read other women's blogs i feel like they have so much more information than i do after their appointments, but i almost feel like more information would make me crazier, and i really trust them at my RE's office. so now im just waiting for my instructions as to how to proceed over the next few days with meds, and when i need to come back into the office.

i want this cycle to be the one that works so badly. ive been having trouble keeping my thoughts on the positive side through this whole process just due to the fact that we started off on the wrong foot, and there has been so much shit in the way, so ive started trying to force positive thoughts into my brain every night before i go to bed. my new nightly mantra is:

i will get pregnant.
i will stay pregnant.
i will have a healthy pregnancy.
i will birth a healthy baby.

i actually think it is helping to calm my brain at night and i feel like im falling asleep faster, which is good, because Sofia isn't sleeping through the night much anymore. we think her teeth are bothering her and she's chewing on stuff constantly. AND she was doing so well with bed time teeth brushing for a while (we're trying to start healthy habits early) she would chew on her toothbrush, then would let one of us get the teeth in the back and the front too, but lately its a fight almost every night. poor thing, teething is no fun.

enough of this, time for the qotd.

what is in your handbag?
my bag has always been a catchall. in my bag right now: my diabetes "pack"/large makeup bag (holds my 2 devices, strips, lancets, finger pricker, alcohol prep pads, a small container of sugar, insulin, travel sharps container, glucagon), ponytail holders, a pill bottle with assorted pain relievers, an extra omnipod, feminine products, my glasses in their hard case, my little makeup bag for makeup, a pen, some loose change, and a little container of cheerios. my bag is always heavy, and usually with me the bigger my bag is, the more shit i shove into it.

stressed before try #3

you know what they say... 3rd times a charm. (ill have to look up why they say that.) went in for my first morning of bloods and monitoring today, cd 12. took 50 mg clomid days 5-9, same as last time. whats different about this time, is this big long frustrating story.

our insurance has never covered the Ovidrel trigger shot at our local pharmacy. I called my insurance company and asked them which pharmacy i would have to go through in order to have the best chance of them covering it. They told me Freedom Fertility. So I call. The call was great, the woman I spoke to was super nice. Ovidrel, no problem she said. The cost $95 at most, even if the insurance doesn't cover one penny, with FedEx 2 day shipping. Sounds fabulous right? The woman told me if the cost was more than a small copayment, she would call to let me know. Yea, it sounded great. I thought I was getting the shot I am used to (subcutaneous) at a better price, delivered to my door. Nope. Yesterday I finally get the package. When I open my huge FedEx box I'm surprised to see a syringe with a huge needle and 2 vials (which means ill have to mix the sterile water from one vial with the powder in the other and then draw it up into the syringe). Now, lets not forget, I'm an insulin dependent diabetic. I'm not queasy about needles, I have to poke myself multiple times per day despite my CGM and pump requirements a few times per week. So I start reading. The insurance company likes to cover the HCG injection as opposed to Ovidrel. I'm thinking, fine, i have no problem with generics. Then i get to the part where the booklet tells me its an intramuscular injection. This means I'll have to have my wife stab me in the ass with a 2 inch needle. Then i see that my "copayment" was $110. Are you shitting me? My local pharmacy charges me $112. All of this extra step crap, and not what i asked for, to "save" me $2? What a pain in my ass (soon, literally). I'm so pissed. Besides the fact that they never called me to inform me of the higher cost. whatever, thats that. i dont want to think about this anymore.

so now im all nervous because i dont really want to think about what the next step(s) will be if this try is unsuccessful. it seems like the to-do list will be immense in terms of securing more sperm. i just dont even want to think about it. ill just keep reading blogs of people who are/have been successful in their attempts and hope that i get to share my own joy on here soon.

cd 5

here we go, cycle #3, this will be the second clomid cycle. this will be the last cycle where we have 2 readily available vials of sperm. if we are unsuccessful in this cycle, which i dont even want to think about, we will only have one vial left of our sperm donor. i think my next option would be to contact the sperm bank to see if they have any on reserve for families who have already conceived with a particular donor, or if they might be able to contact the donor to see if he would be willing to donate additional sperm. that seems like such a headache. i really hope that we dont get to that point. i would love for this to be our successful cycle. you know what they say, third times a charm, right?

so i went in this morning to have my bloods drawn and to have another endovaginal sonogram. i was thrilled because i was concerned that the clomid would cause me to develop unwanted cysts, given my endometriosis, i was really fearful that any medication that had the potential to mess me up, would. im very thankful that it hasnt at this point. i will be taking 50mg of clomid for the next 5 days, and filling my ovidrel prescription once again. for some reason my wonderful, and i do mean wonderful, insurance coverage always refuses to cover it even though i have a pica card that is supposed to specifically cover injectables. whatever. its just so crazy. i have great insurance, but with all of the copays, this process really adds up.

anyway, getting the "baby" who is now 16 months old, baptized on sunday at the church that we love. hooray. happy and healthy new year to everyone.

getting there...

so the last time i wrote was 2 months ago, almost exactly. one month ago I had my surgery to remove the 7cm cyst that was on my right ovary. it was an endometrioma and seems harmless enough, only there is a high likelihood that it will return. and additionally it turns out my right fallopian tube is also blocked, but from what the doctors have said, that may not present as much of an issue as it might sound like. i had my first transvaginal sonogram since the surgery last week, and apparently there is still a cyst issue on my right ovary. it appears to either be a small part that they were unable to remove, or it could even be another cyst beginning to develop and grow. im not sure what i hope, but whatever will be, will be.

trying to own that last statement and think as positively as possible because... im getting inseminated this week. my left ovary + fallopian tube are doing just fine and working just like they should. i've been getting blood work done and a sonogram every other day for the last week and the PA who did my sonogram, believes that tomorrow might be the day, just have to wait for the blood work to come back to decide. so im excitedly waiting for my phone to ring, although i dont expect to hear from them until later in the day. its so crazy how fast everything seems now. I mean dont get me wrong, ive felt every second of every single day, but i cant believe ill be getting inseminated this week.

so the funniest thing ive conjured up in this whole process as a part of my thinking positively thing, is that my wife and i will wind up being Long Island IVF's star couple. She got pregnant on the first try (2 IUIs, one a day, for two consecutive days with the assistance of an Ovidrel shot to force ovulation) and my theory behind this is.... since neither one of our bodies had ever encountered any type of semen/seminal fluid/preejaculate etc, in that area, our bodies must be so excited to see something new, and then they want to keep it. the only way to keep it is to make a baby. so it worked for her and im crossing my fingers that it works for me as well. ah, gold star lesbianism, its gotta be good for something, no?

so thats whats news around here. im focusing on relaxing my body and mind (as much as i can while running after Sofia, Disa, balancing work, bills, our marriage etc) and staying positive. im sure ill be needing to vent more often in the next few weeks, but im staying positive. i deserve good things/happy occurances in my life, ive worked hard to get to where i'm at, and my body is as ready as it can be. im doing what im supposed to be doing, the doctrs are doing what they're supposed to be doing and i know that my stars will align and this will happen.

with a happy heart and my fingers crossed ill be waiting!