here i am

well its been months since i've blogged. a lot has happened. we lost my MiL mid September, clearly atrocious but it was clear that she was suffering. the month that followed was so busy its unreal. after she died, we took her ashes to california to be spread where she wanted. we had the most amazing drive up highway one, and the highlight of the long drive was the amazing and perfect sunset we were able to see. our timing was perfect as we were on one of the straighter parts that doesn't require crazy attention to every second of driving, im certain she had a hand in that. we had her memorial. we spent nine days with her (side of) the family. i expected to do a lot more crying than we did. i think we were all doing our best to try to hold it in, and i think we still kind of are.

lovedove and her sister were faced with the task of clearing out her apartment and sorting through her belongings. lovedove found a way to incorporate many of her things into our home, it really has been amazing to see. the process was grueling for lovedove and her sister, and for the rest of us too, but to a much lesser degree. we had a yard sale that was mostly successful and the rest of the household items leftover are going to be donated. my SiL only left to go back to Portland, OR last sunday. wait, nope. this sunday. she's been back in portland for less than a week. wow thats crazy, it feels like so much longer.

lovedove and i had a bachelorette party to attend last weekend, 80s themed, which was amazing and a good reason to go out, drink a ton, and try to celebrate. its so weird to be living life and loving the moment, and then you remember that your heart, or a certain piece of your heart is still broken. yesterday's halloween festivities were fun, until the thought of gramma not seeing her grandbabies in their costumes comes into play. it was the first holiday without her and it felt rough, but thanksgiving is going to be hell. we'll find a way to make it through it, especially since we host, but my God. the thought of doing Thanksgiving without her... and as the first real eating-home-cooked-food holiday?? really life? really timing? ugh. every year she has been the captain of our thanksgiving voyage. she's the seasoned pro and lovedove is her first mate, and i guess im the first mate's sous chef... or something like that. overwhelmed isnt even the tip of the iceberg. whatever it will be fine, whatever it is it is.

on a happier note the girls are good. laila is fighting a little cold and diaper fungus, just a bad diaper rash that needs a prescription cream to clear up, but on the upside she started "dancing" this week. she rocks and bounces up and down when music is on and claps her hands. she's a super smiley baby and tons of fun. sofia is doing great in school, she loves it, and she loves her little friends. she's also back in dancing school and loves that too. her acting out has calmed down, but now she's just developing a little attitude. some days i'll ask her to do something simple, like go to the potty before she lays down for rest time, and im greeted with the response "NEVER!!". don't ask me where she gets it from. jayk.e and the nev.erland pira.tes maybe?? the funnies thing is that lately she will drop and F bomb here or there. purely imitation of language she sometimes hears in the apt or in the car. the other day we are stopped at a red light and she calls out from her car seat in the back "fuckin' go!" to the cars ahead of us. i explain its not nice to use that word and ask her not to use it again. she's generally pretty good about it. im actually surprised how many adult words she has not copied, compared to how many she hears and how smart she is. we've really begun curbing the language now. i dont want our little sailor to grow up to be a 5 year old sailor, that wouldn't be good.

im working on weaning laila. i stopped pumping when my MiL died bc i just couldn't anymore. i started to become less against formula (when i was breastfeeding exclusively i felt like it was like my enemy, just waiting to replace me, or something like that) and im ok with her having bottles when im not around. now i have to force myself to become ok with her having bottles when i am around. i really need to bc my friend's wedding is in 6 weeks and i have to be done by then, according to me. if i didn't have this wedding i might have breastfed her for her whole first year, bc i really love the bond it facilitates for us. but im also tired of being on call. its a mixed bag, like everything else. hopefully i dont lose my shit emotionally when i stop completely. i probably will, whatever.

anyway, life is as good as it can be right after your MiL dies. we are all doing ok, whatever that means. i dreamt of my MiL the other night and it was truly a wonderful thing. i was with sofia walking through some grassy area, when i noticed that sofia wasn't right next to me or right behind me. so i call her name a few times but she doesn't come running to catch up to me. i turn around to see where she is, and i see her laying in the grass a little ways back, with Gramma. i begin to walk towards them and Gramma stands up, says something to me bc i remember hearing her voice (probably her usual "hey ame") and gives me a big long hug. i tell her how good it is to hear her voice and hold her. and thats it. laila probably woke me up out of that dream but i was so happy that i had it, and so happy that i remembered it. i'm sure i'll remember it forever but i hope to see her again. its times like this that i wish i could return to my days where i was obsessed with lucid dreaming, even though i was completely unsuccessful in all of my attempts. i wish there was something anything i could do to get her back here with us, even if it was just once in a while. i miss her so badly, and i know im going to miss her more and more as the days go by and the girls grow.

they say when one door closes another door opens. im hoping for lots of open doors bc it totally sucks that that door closed. rest in peace CathyMom.

confessions + church

yes, my weirdo momma confessions. i've already divulged some of these things to friends who are non moms, and im pretty sure they think im a lunatic. even lovedove thinks some of these are totally nuts.

1. i kind of love the smell of (solely) breastfed baby poop. to me its just so sweet and not really stinky at all. clearly a very odd thing, but its the truth.

2. baby pee. also no big deal, i mean dont get me wrong i do my best not to get peed on, however, i feel like baby pee is similar to rainwater, like i could shower in it if i needed to. yes an extreme example, but im sure i could. rain comes through dirty air pollution and smoggy crap, and baby pee just goes through your baby, so really to me they are the same kind of thing. when i think about it like this, baby pee is less gross than rainwater. i think its an interesting theory.

3. lately ive noticed that im jealous of pregnant ladies, for being pregnant. it was one thing for me to realize that i would consider being pregnant again after being so "done" with it once i hit month number 9, but to see pregnant ladies and be jealous? im a lunatic, its official.

4. sometimes i sleep on the couch when sofia is watching sesame street at 7am.

5. sometimes im happy when sofia cries when she is refusing to nap, because it helps her to reach the point of exhaustion where she can't fight off heavy eyelids anymore. mean momma.

enough of that.

church.
went on sunday to have laila baptized. we're not huge church go-ers by any means. we went a few times before we had sofia baptized, and then weren't back in there until this baptism a little over a year later, but i'm happy to have a church to go to as a family, when we choose to. the whole family was there, like 40 people, we're italian like that. pretty sure the deacon was drunk, ok maybe he wasn't but he could have fooled anyone. he was stumbly any time he took steps backwards, lost his train of thought a few times, rambled on and on, and had a very creative spin on a baptismal ceremony. my favorite part was after baptizing each baby, he would hold them in his arms (or by the hand if they were big enough to walk) and present them to the church by walking them up and down the aisle saying "this is laila" or whatever their first name was. it was funny and cute. we had her luncheon/dinner in a party room at a bar my sister used to work at. we did the food ourselves, my mother and our grandmas made food too. it was a beautiful day out so all of the cousins were able to run around outside and everything worked out as well as we could have hoped. laila opted out of the party. after being pretty close to perfect during the ceremony, she found herself completely exhausted at the party and slept through the entire thing, just like i did at my baptism (according to my mother). now both of our babies are baptized, and will be able to attend catholic nursery school and be a God parent if they're asked by anyone in the future. as wonderful of a day as it was, im so glad its over. we planned and prepped so much, im spent.

everything else on our end is going well, other than sofia refusing to nap almost every day. i dont want her to grow out of napping yet, because she still needs them. she does so much better when she's sleeping well in terms of listening, not getting hurt - she gets so clumsy, etc. shes currently been fighting off this nap for 90 minutes. i usually set her free after a max of 2 hrs bc im not going to have her sit in her dark room all day, but i also feel like im giving in to her refusal when that happens. she just plays and sings and "reads" and looks out her window and does everything she can to keep her little peepers open. i hope she gives in soon.

breastfeeding is going well, i'll feed her absolutely anywhere (if i have to, i usually wind up being significantly more uncomfortable throughout due to the absence of pillows) and my most interesting location thusfar has been at a floral consult for a friend's upcoming wedding. the florist worked out of her basement office in her home and was super nice and told me i didnt have to cover myself which was sweet, but i always do, unless im home and its just the 4 of us. my boobs are way too big not to cover up. sometimes, and this is one of only 2 situations where i am jealous of small breasted women, i wish my boobs were smaller so it wouldnt be such a project to feed her. the only other time im jealous of small breasted women is when im playing sports, hence wearing three bras. one for placement and support, and two for compression. trust me its necessary.

laila's poop face is hysterical, she scrunches up and turns super red, my little tomato. she talks more than sofia did, but sofia's speaking is now non stop. questions, declarative sentences, "reading" books, its wild. she also "lies" ("momma said i could have candy") and does a pretty great job at trying to play me and her mommy against each other when there is something she wants but has been told "no" for.

we are just so blessed with our two girls, im thankful every day. cant believe our baby is  3.5 months already, time is flying.

hope you are all well.