day 30 !!

so i made it through 30 days of daily blogging (i only cheated and skipped one day, which i still feel bad about) and i dont think i want to blog on a daily basis ever again. im glad ive made it to the end, i just want to get this over with so here is the final qotd, #30.
Give us a link to one of your favorite non-infertility sites, or tell us about your favorite distraction activity/feel good movie/book etc. 
one of my favorite non infertility sites is SheWired although i really dont spend that much time on the computer other than blogging/reading blogs/fb-ing and checking email.
as far as distraction options, i prefer movies. particularly movies that don't involve babies or pregnancy, which leads me to children's movies. One of my favorite children's movies is Enchanted. I love Amy Adams, but i truly love the whole movie. true love, animal companions, funny wonderful songs, and susan sarandon as the evil queen, what more could you ask for?! i smile through 90% of this movie every time i watch it. i love it so much, i highly recommend it!

yay! thats the end of that!

so my super faint staining seems to have ended, although im still checking like a lunatic every time im in the bathroom. i went to lunch today with my sister and her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's sister, who i was meeting for the first time. my sister had told the both of them that i was pregnant (because my sister and my mother are not good at not sharing) and so they congratulated me. i thanked them about the congrats and then continued to say how nervous i was and how  much time there was for shit to go wrong. after that conversation, i was like, i must seem like a total fucking lunatic. however, i do totally think that women/people who haven't had infertility issues themselves and/or don't know anyone who has had infertility issues, dont give healthy pregnancies a second thought. i believe that they assume, that once you're pregnant, that's it, only thing to worry about is behaving properly for your pregnancy. after i got over my momentary weirdness, i remembered reading Roxx's blog at Bangkok Baby Project and her refusal to stress over the wellbeing of her pregnancy. she's right, because what's going to happen is going to happen and there isn't anything we can do truly. so i am trying to take that experience, and remember that i just want to be happy and thankful not only when people congratulate me, but all day every day. its going to take some work to get there, but i think i can do it. enough stressing already, i need to cut the crap.

i had to order more baby aspirin and progesterone today, and i also placed an order for a larger box of finger condoms. with shipping i got almost 5x as many for less than the cost of a box of 30 at my local cvs. my sonogram is two weeks away from today, and im thinking im going to take that night off from work. why not right?

so anyway, ill be blogging less, but reading everyone's stories every day. keeping my fingers crossed for ladies who have conceived long ago, recently, and those still ttc. i want to thank everyone for all of the encouragement and congrats i've received so far and i'm going to be sure to keep passing the love on.

ive got to get a move on, have to leave for work in an hour and there are many things to be done!

adios ladies!

5w or 5w1d

(according to what i think, today is 5 weeks, according to everything i put my due date into, today is 5w1d. whatever, it doesn't make a difference but i just wish it all said the same thing.)

i decided to call my RE's office just to talk to them about the very light staining i've been having. to be honest it's 2-3x per day and very very light pink. i drove myself completely crazy yesterday reading stupid threads about half of the women saying its fine and totally normal, and the other half saying how it led to disaster for them. i spoke with one of my favorite nurses who said that it's nothing to be overly concerned about. she tried to reassure me that it is most likely from doing the suppositories so often everyday and as long as its not accompanied by "constant painful cramping"(i did tell her ive been cramping off and on) and it does not get any worse, I should be fine. that was all i needed to hear. that is exactly the answer i was hoping to receive and my insane paranoia has subsided for now. i worked myself into such a frenzy yesterday because occasionally the cramps are kind of strong, but they usually pass moderately quickly. im hoping that everything i'm feeling is just normal growth stuff and everything is just fine. my ultrasound is 2 weeks from tomorrow, which seems like a million years away. luckily we have a bunch of stuff to do this weekend. saturday we are going to one of our favorite fancy wine bars to celebrate our 5 year anniversary. it will be fine for me to not have any wine, though i do love wine with delicious food, and im reallllllly looking forward to whatever we eat. the food there is always phenomenal. the following day my mother in law's oratorio society is performing their spring concert, so we'll be attending.

then next week will come and go with the normal routine, and then next saturday we have 2 events. a 4th birthday party way out in long island, and then the second is a 30th at night that i really want to go to. the bar the party is going to be at is supposedly known for its dance atmosphere later in the evening and im really hoping that i have the energy to go out. i haven't been out dancing in forever, and i have been wanting to go for months. as if suspicions weren't high enough at the last 30th i didn't drink at on cinco de mayo, im sure people will notice my seltzer with a lime as opposed to my usual beer, if they aren't tanked when they get to the bar. whatever, im sure all of my friends know somehow. it doesn't matter. i'm just not sure how i'll hold up even if i do go out. im hoping ill find some energy and they'll start the dancing at a decent hour and i'll just get swept up in the music. fingers crossed.

qotd 29 (almost done!)
what is your favorite book?
well, this isn't hard for me because as i've admitted before i'm not a big reader. i think my favorite book is Wicked. although i did absolutely love tina fey's book Bossypants. I really enjoyed it because it was hysterical and i guess it kind of reminded me of reading blogs. i should look into reading books by more comedians.

nice and quiet

(early in the day)
sofia is napping and its pretty much the calmest part of my day. the dog is also napping, sprawled out on the other couch. we had a lovely morning. sofia didn't want to dance today (we dance often after breakfast to assist the insulin in breaking down my sugars quickly so my blood sugar level doesn't spike), but we did play with her shape sorter. i was so impressed! we usually don't play with that toy together, but lovedove says they've been playing with it often lately. i was almost in tears to see her little brain working so hard to find the right place to put each shape. i cant believe how smart she is getting, its really insane to watch your children grow and develop.

i made my 6 week ultrasound appt today, and based on the dr's availability it looks like we'll be doing a 7 week ultrasound instead. this wait will most likely be unbearable for me since i'm a total nervous wreck. i've had some super duper light staining these past 2 mornings, that i wouldn't even have noticed if i wasn't completely paranoid and checking constantly. i know that spotting is normal for a large percentage of women who have perfectly healthy pregnancies, i would just prefer to not have any staining at all. im aware that this can be caused by several things, including sexy time, or more likely the 4xdaily suppositories im doing. i think as long as i only see it once a day and its very light i'll be able to not go insane. i just keep telling myself that my betas have been very good and if i'm not having any pain, then there really isn't any reason to worry (the no pain thing may or may not actually be any kind of indicator, ive read several things online). working on that staying calm thing i've been talking about lately, because really, if something goes wrong, God forbid, there isn't anything i can do about it. for now i just need to focus on being happy that im pregnant, it still sounds weird to me, and keeping my sugar in check. my nights have been better since i adjusted my hourly rates during sleep hours and im waking up in better range, which makes me very happy.

one small sidenote about my betas... the thought has entered my brain more than once that the numbers are kind of high. not the highest numbers in the world, but high enough that they seem on-track-ish with twin betas. wouldn't that be the most ironic thing in the world if i had intentionally only transferred one blast and wound up with identical twins? and if i did have twins, its pretty much a guarantee that i'd have twin boys, because im kind of hoping for another girl (we have sooo many lightly used girl clothes, i'd love to be able to use them again) and we have a hard time with boys names. can you imagine? whatever is meant for us is meant for us, but at this point in time i'm hoping for just one, healthy little embie to stick and grow to be a healthy baby.

(afternoon)
went to my regular endocrinologist today. she upped my synt.hroid to 100mcgs from 75mcgs. didnt have much to say other than congrats. i've read enough in books and online about pregnancy and diabetes that i pretty much knew everything she said to me. my next appt with her isnt until july, which seems really far away. whatever, i dont need any additional appts to worry about, if she thinks its fine to wait 8 weeks to see me, then it probably is right?

i was crampy for a few minutes today, about an hour ago. i keep telling myself its nothing, im just very in tune with my body. i've always been able to feel myself ovulate, i guess i just am very sensitive about when things are going on in my body. i just feel so unsure. so many of the blogs i read chronicle difficulty getting pregnant, and ive come across a few where the ladies have problems staying pregnant. im so petrified that something will go wrong. i wish i didn't feel this way. i dont want to be worried( like a psychopath) for the next 9 months.

anyway i have to get ready for work, blah, but at least thats a few good hours where i'm not thinking about myself. i really feel like it is the best job in the world for forgetting your own issues for a while. plus i just remembered that i ordered girl scout cookies from one of my 10 year old clients. i should get them today :o)



qotd 28
Have you ever done something non-traditional to help you conceive?

i think IVF/ICSI is pretty non-traditional. i've said before how i never thought that i'd get to the point where i was in need of services like that. i still can't believe that i did all of that. really life? im pregnant now because i did ivf with icsi which means i did an egg retrieval and single blastocyst transfer? its very very strange. i still feel like the whole process was some kind of weird dream.

i also believe that eating pineapple helps to conceive.

beta #2

beta today was 1204, 72 hours after the first one which means the doubling time is 40.77 hours. pretty sure thats right on target according to BetaBase.info. ive been feeling fine, its odd that people are asking me the way they ask "real" pregnant women. the embryo is the size of a sesame seed according to my new pregnancy app. im starting to feel more excited everyday, but im still crazy paranoid about something going wrong. lovedove keeps telling me to relax and enjoy the moment, so ill keep working on that.

dr said everything seems good so far, said to schedule the 6 week sono in about 2 weeks for "any time you want". he seems pretty open as far as availability, so ill call tomorrow to try to schedule it. wondering what will work out best for us as our schedules are opposite, and the only day we have time together is friday afternoons. i would hate for either one of us to have to miss more work. whatever, ill figure that out tomorrow.

also have an appt with my regular endocrinologist to address my thyroid medication. she knew i was ttc and said to come in as soon as i got preggers. so thats tomorrow. i almost feel like a fraud but the numbers dont lie!

qotd 27
what is the nursery currently being used for?
right now the nursery is Sofia's room. in a year or so it will be the kids' room. craaaaazy.

Mother's Day

we had the best mother's day ever (to date). we were up and out early to the beach even though all of the meteorologists were predicting a gloomy/cloudy/rainy day. we got to the beach about 10:30 and it was absolutely beautiful. we had the most wonderful few hours. sofia didn't sit for more than a minute. she was running into the water and didnt get scared or cry when her tiny toes touched it for the first time this year. she just wanted to keep going. she loved feeling the water on her legs and falling down in it. she just could npt get enough. luckily we had multiple outfits just in case something like this happened, i couldnt believe how she braved the chilly water, but i was glad to get her out of her wet clothing and into the next warm and dry outfit. it was simply wonderful.

i know that mothers day can be particularly difficult for those ttc, but just know that we'll all get there. i know it seems like sometimes the day we're waiting for will never come, but it will. so happy mothers day to the ladies who are mommies, those who are mommies to furbabies, and those who are making their way towards motherhood. just try to enjoy the day ladies. find someone to pamper you, although it can be hard to get pampered when you're in a 2 mom couple, take turns i guess?

i have my next beta tomorrow and im a little nervous. i feel like i shouldnt be, i havent had any pain or spotting or anything that i would think should make me nervous. im just so hopeful and i dont want anything to go wrong.

(im sorry that my thoughts are super jumbled, my brain has been struggling lately to make sense)

qotd 26
Post a picture of something that makes you happy.
i could post a million pictures, but here is one of my favorites from today. Sofia looks so big even though she's still only 20 months old. i just thought it was a really interesting photo, that happened to be taken on a very happy mother's day.

4w3d :o)

so of course i wound up telling just about everyone (except my coworkers) who knows that we've been ttc that  im pregnant. im trying to stress how early it is to everyone, but everyone seems to be blowing over that detail and just responding in a very happy and excited way. whatever, it made me feel good to be able to tell people.

so now that i know im pregnant im constantly super worried about my sugar. i have been waking up higher than i want to, 115, id prefer to be under 90 honestly, so today i tweaked the settings on my pump. time will tell if it works out. i had a little issue today when i went to watch the NYCGBL Women's Championship games. I think it was a combination of my adrenaline running high watching the games ( im quite the cheerleader when im not playing lol), and dehydration. I guess i just didnt drink enough so i stayed around 160 which is higher than id prefer to be for more than an hour. on the way home i basically chugged a 1 liter bottle of water, i guess i really was thirsty, and shortly after that my sugar calmed down. lesson learned. ill stay hydrated. when we got home i got pretty tired and took my first pregnant nap. it was like heaven. i napped for about an hour and i felt like i could have stayed in bed for the rest of the day. i got up so that i wouldnt miss out on the rest of the day with lovedove and sofia and i ate and magically became re-energized.

speaking of staying hydrated... ive always been a huge water drinker. i have a new obsession with a new beverage. seltzer. i love it so much. i think it helps me cope with my diet's new lack of beer, because beer is really the only carbonated beverage i drank on a regular basis before getting pregnant. so i buy a few different flavors, usually nothing too sweet, and i drink huge amounts of it. i read on somebody's blog that some doctors recommend drinking a gallon of water a day. im pretty sure that wont be a problem for me. a gallon is a little less than 4 liters, 8 pints to be exact, and im pretty sure i drink that amount on the average day. seltzer is a wonderful and welcomed addition to my beverage diet.

i sneezed today, and held it in, old habit, and i felt some pressure in my ute/ovary area. then i was like "oh crap, can i do damage like that?". i've been working on sneezing out loud since i had my ER done. i made the mistake of holding one of my sneezes in and felt like this guy but instead of my eyes and ears popping out i felt like my ovaries were going to pop out of my body. it was unpleasant, but the pain passed quickly. something as simple as a sneeze cant hurt little embie right?



back to the 30 day challenge today, i skipped yesterday bc i was celebrating my good news. poor excuse i know but i didnt want to bother blogging for a second time last night.

qotd 25
what was your first baby or pregnancy related purchase you ever made? was it before or after you started ttc? why did you choose that particular item to buy first? 
the first purchase i made for pregnancy/baby#2, was actually a present for baby #1. i bought a "big sister" shirt for sofia in a 2T (because it was on sale and she's pretty tiny.. about 50th %ile on height and weight charts for children her age) in hopes that i would be pregnant in time for her to wear it/have it fit her once baby #2 arrives. i did purchase this item prior to becoming pregnant. i chose to purchase this first, um, i guess because im kind of petrified of how Sofia will act when we actually do give her a brother or sister, so i know we'll have to make her feel super special as the older sibling. after we got the results of the beta yesterday we asked Sofia "would you like a brother OR a sister?" her response was "No." we were looking for a preference, not her absolute refusal to even consider that there might be another baby entering the family. it was hysterical, its not like she would have been able to actually say brother or sister, but we thought she would have at least tried.

anxiously awaiting the beta

i called my RE office to speak to my nurse and ask if i needed to schedule my bloods appt for tomorrow or if i could just come in. she said it should already be scheduled for me and to just come in. then she asked how i have been feeling and i said fine and told her i had been poss. she said that was cheating and said to just wait on the beta bc hpts can be really sensitive. i know that its not "official" until the blood results come in. i know that i have to have at least 2 betas before i can really call myself pregnant. i guess i had started to feel kind of confident based on the number of strong positives ive gotten that they'll confirm my pregnancy in the coming days, and now my nurse has gone and lead me into the land of uncertainty once again. i guess its a necessary reality check, but i like the small sense of calm that i felt when i would get a strong +, by no means do i think its my green light to a perfect full term pregnancy where they hand me my child in 37 weeks. im aware of all of the hurdles, all of the markers, etc. ive been there, from the partner perspective so i almost feel like the stress is even greater when its not your body.

i need to just relax. stressing the unknown isnt going to do me any favors. i said all i wanted to know from doing the hpts was just get a hint towards how i "should" be feeling. i "should" feel good at this point knowing that im testing positive on hpts. i hate the word should. i need to stop using it. i need to relax.

here's disa helping me relax (and preventing me from blogging for a few minutes). when she puts her big puppy head on my chest it really does calm me down. she's such a snuggler and i love that about her. she's pretty good at giving doggie hugs when she's snuggling. she's a big mush and i know that we have not done enough to promote personal space boundaries for when we have guests, but it is completely hysterical to see her just lay all over people who enter our home. most of them dont care, but we always make her get down if/when one of our guests is uncomfortable. she just has too much love to give.

qotd 24 (im getting tired of blogging every single day)

does your religion (or lack of) help/hurt/affect your fertility journey? does it affect what treatments  you do?

i want to say that my religion does not play that much of a role in my fertility journey because if i answered that question off the top of my head i would say no. with that said, i do thank God every night for all of the good things in my life and i do ask for his help going forward bc i know that i have no control over what happens. i feel like i kind of plead with him because i feel like he pulls the strings in life. it hasn't affected the treatments we've done and i think that it is unfortunate when religion hinders families from utilizing all of the treatments available to them. i get it, but i think its sad. so i guess my religion does play a role, just not the leading role. i think the affect it has on our journey is just removing the burden of fault if something were to go awry, and giving us a place to put our thanks when things go how we'd like. 

i think i got my thoughts across, i hope that made sense.

9dp5dt

my love affair with dollar tree tests may have ended. i went to Deal$ and bought 6 of the same pregnancy test yesterday (the two i used had been sitting in my medicine cabinet for like 3 months) because i had researched the situation and found out that dollar tree bought deal$ in 2006, and there aren't any local dollar tree stores. long story short, i didn't do that well holding my pee last night because i had some issues with my insulin pump at 2:30am, my sugar was at 250 and i was furious. so of course while i put on a new pump in the bathroom i figured id pee. when i got up at 6:30 and my sugar had returned to a normal/healthy range i tested. i took one deal$ test (which is the same exact product/hpt that i had bought from dollar tree) and the line was very faint. so i took another one, another faint line. i started to get kind of concerned, so i took the Answer brand test i had laying around. that came back with a strong positive, thank God. that put my fears to rest and made me mad at the cheapie tests. "see, im pregnant you stupid tests", i didn't actually say that, but that's what i was thinking. needless to say ill be purchasing more non-dollar tree/non-deal$ tests today. its just so unfortunate bc those other ones are only $1 and so many people on ttc sites seems to like them a lot (ttc women's preferred hpts). guess ill be blowing some more $ on the bigger brands. at least this is a temporary addiction to feed, and hopefully its the last time ill be testing, God willing.

huge congrats to Roxxroxx @ Bangkok Baby Project for her bfps and great beta!

(later in the day/evening)

yes i am very confused about why the same product from 2 different stores has yielded such odd results. i bought a 3 pack of FRERs today and i got a very strong + on that and a pretty faint + on the cheapie.  dont know why i had such great results the first day i tested and crappy ones with the newer ones i bought.

people at work have been asking me about how "things went". i told them that i wont know until the end of the week, and in any case i wont be talking about it for a while. i'd either be getting back into the procedures for the second round, or id be keeping my mouth shut about my very new pregnancy. i kind of wish everyone had figured out proper infertility lady early pregnancy etiquette without it having to be addressed, but i feel good that everyone will not be asking now.

also .. with the progesterone suppositories, i hate it a lot less since i bought a pack of finger cots. they're like teeny tiny condoms for your fingers. i know that chefs and medical people use them, and i guess people who have to use suppositories are also ideal candidates for their use. im much less grossed out. i highly recommend them.

yea that is a lot of random stuff, but its all stuff ive been forgetting to write.  can you have "pregnancy brain" this early?



qotd 23
put your ipod on shuffle and list the first 10 songs that play.
(im kind of VERY scared of this one, i have a lot of random stuff on there, i should have put my ipod on my list of guilty pleasures, pls dont judge me)
1. if i cant have you - yvonne elliman, saturday night fever soundtrack
2. hold on - wilson phillips
3. no one will do - mjb
4. nasty boys - janet jackson
5. this love - maroon 5
6. breaking point - etta james
7. r-e-s-p-e-c-t - aretha franklin
8. i kissed a girl - katy perry
9. dont drink the water - dmb
10. hey jude - beatles

(that is the best shuffle ive ever done somehow. there were no disney songs, no boy bands, no spice girls, no musicals, and none of sofia's lullabies that we always have to take with us on vacations. that was truly incredible)

8dp5dt evening and qotd

i managed to hold my pee for 5 hours (the entire time i was at work) and got home and tested again.

so im happy that there is still a line there and im starting to get kind of optimistic. i have activities and outings lined up for the early part of the next two days, and in the afternoon/evenings ill be at work. so theoretically one would think that the next two days should fly and ill be at my beta appt on friday morning in no time. i guess thats not really likely but im hoping. i will be continuing to PoSS (some sticks.... courtesy of Roxxroxx) but ill spare you the viewing of things i've peed on from here on out. I may post a single picture of them all laid out in chronological order once im done peeing on things. (truly though, these tests come with a tiny eye dropper kind of thing so i pee in a plastic cup and then apply the designated 4 drops to the test. so im not actually peeing on anything.) like i said earlier, my goal is just to make these hpts my b*tch (i mean that as non-derogatorily towards women as possible, just couldnt think of another way to say it) and to just be as informed as i can be prior to my beta on friday.


qotd 22
how has your financial situation affected your fertility journey?
personally i feel like this question should be worded the other way around. for us, we knew that family creating/baby making would be pricey because we couldn't do it ourselves, so when we got married and got many monetary gifts, we put a good chunk of that money into a savings account.we did our best to never touch that account ever, it was strictly reserved for baby/family things and/or emergency use. that savings account has allowed us to explore all options necessary to date. it may be half of what it once was, but you cant really put a price on family expansion.

i mean i definitely understand how if you dont have amazing insurance like we do, your financial situation would certainly affect the decisions you'd be making. we just got lucky with insurance and we managed to plan for this kind of situation just enough (it seems). im just thankful that we've been able to make the decisions we have been able to make without thinking about super drastic financial stuff. its drastic enough, but its not like we have a mortgage to pay, didnt have to sell a car, etc, or anything like that.

7dp5dt

mr.sof.tee did obey my mental command last night and i was thrilled to have my Chocolate Merlin for dessert. it was fabulous. my wave of super tiredness passed and i was able to stay up until our regular bedtime at 11, which was good because i would have hated to miss Mad Men.

im starting to lose my mind with all of these faux symptoms. not that ive had that many, but when i think about it, it seems like a lot. ive certainly had many feelings/twinges in the last week in the ute/ovary areas, some brief periods of very slight cramping, fatigue, mood shifts, increased appetite, and now i feel like im starting to break out with these tiny non-pimple bumps on my forehead/face and thats super abnormal for me. so maybe these do add up to a significant number of faux symptoms. its hard not to feel like they all mean something. i keep telling myself that im still on progesterone and estrogen and that this is all probably nothing, not because i want to be pessimistic about the situation, i just don't want to get my own hopes up if we're just going to wind up with another negative. trying to stay in the "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" mindset. oh God how i wish this time would be the time. its getting hard not to test, but i know that if i dont stick to my guns about not testing until at least wednesday ill be shooting myself in the foot. as slow as time seems to go when you won't poas, time essentially stops once you have, no matter what result you receive. at least thats how it feels for me.

speaking of the time, big congrats to Lex. im hoping that her bfp starts off a wave of bfps for the rest of us.

oh, quick question. one of my great uncles passed away over the weekend. we were not super close (maybe i saw him once or twice a year for most of my life, he always lived far away), but he was a lovely jolly generous man. he passed away from a heart attack at 80. i wasn't that upset to hear about his passing. is that wrong? i feel like he lived a good life, enjoyed successes, lived well, and didn't suffer a long and drawn out battle with any major disease at the end of his life. i almost feel like, what more could you ask for? my mom is devastated bc he was her favorite uncle, i feel really bad that she's so upset. but what can you do? old people die, we all will, and new babies have to  be born. in fact, that is exactly where my mind went when i heard he passed, which i feel terrible about. i thought, this is just life, family members pass and new family members will be born, and hopefully the next new family member will be my baby. who knows.

anyway.
qotd 21
5 guilty pleasures
1. junk food. ring dings, candy bars, cheese doodles (JAX - omg)
2. alcohol - vodka in particular. i feel like a  rockstar when i drink vodka and lovedove HATES me when i drink vodka bc i get particularly obnoxious
3. mary j (very rarely prior to ttc, never now, but i do still have feelings for her)
4. LMN. i almost feel like if you dont know what that means i wont tell you, i will anyway. its Life.time Movie Network. occasionally lovedove and i will watch a super terrible movie on that channel. i feel like once in a while you need to watch a really crappy made for tv movie with terrible actors so that you can appreciate good acting in other shows/movies. plus its hysterical to laugh at movies with terrible plot lines.
5. home shopping channels/infomercials. i kind of love them and i always have.

6dp5dt

its seis de mayo and i kind of feel like i drank all day yesterday. i have zero energy. all i want to do is lay around. we went over by my parents today and they bbq'd a bit. i was happy to sit and do nothing while the grandparents fawned over Sofia. i ate some chicken, a hot dog, and a hamburger. then i laid in the grass (its a super duper small backyard) and i almost fell asleep. since arriving home about 2 hours ago ive been on the couch. my eyes are hot and kind of heavy and i feel like i could fall asleep if i went to bed right now (its 7:22). i reallllly want Mr.Sof.tee to come around, he usually shows up around 8, so my fingers are crossed.
 <------- i want this. badly. he needs to get here now. if he doesn't come tonight, my back up dessert is sugar free jello pudding in the fridge. i much rather do some extra insulin and go with a deliciously cold chocolate covered ice cream cone. o god now my mouth is watering.

going to stay strong and not test although ive seen very many images of + hpts via google image searches. i will not test until at least wednesday. the longer i wait the less time i have to freak out until the beta. trying to stay calm.

time for qotd #20.
were you a product of infertility?
nope. my parents went on a babymoon, and here i am.

cinco de mayo

and i didnt have a drink all day, at a cinco de mayo/surprise 30th birthday party. im sure it looked quite suspicious but im pretty sure everyone else was too busy getting drunk to really notice. it was hard not to have a drink, so i had a margarita mix (only) spritzer. it did the trick. not the best tasting virgin drink ever but it made me feel festive for a second. i drank a crap load of seltzer and ate a ton of party food. im still so full.

i  have definitely been feeling weird twinges in my lower abdomen and ovary areas, but im sure its just my body settling back into not-being-over-stimulated-mode though its still enduring extra high levels of hormones. my appetite is also out of control. all i want is greasy fried foods and desserts, lovedove says that is the way she felt too early in her pregnancy, so its either that, or the progesterone, or maybe both. one can hope right?

lovedove had a dream i got my period, i hope that dream doesnt come true next saturday. im trying to stay positive and hopeful, and im planning on filling my week with outings so that friday morning comes before i lose my mind.

qotd
5 pet peeves.


1. unanswered ringing telephones.
2. people who think they're "too cool". bite me.
3. people who have all of the answers/all of the advice in the world about any and every topic possible, even though they have no life experience in those areas.
4. people who breed pit bulls/strive to maintain the breeds (inaccurate) rough/tough/big/mean reputation.
5. people who display excessive pdas.
maybe i dont like people that much. lol.

starting to really feel it

i hate the 2ww. i feel like i did ok for the first few days because it was such a weird situation with lovedove gone. now i've been reading too much on the internet about people saying that they test as early as like 5days after a transfer and that you can get bfps pretty early, but i really dont want to get into any of that. i feel like i have no symptoms because i keep telling myself i have no symptoms. what would even qualify my justify as symptoms, my addiction to sweets/desire for junk food and fatigue? those are symptoms of any day for me.

i feel like blogs and google posts about where im at (4dp 5dt)so that i can generalize everything, make myself part of a group, so that i can feel like im not the only crazy person trying to navigate the seas of infertility. i read some first time success stories with ivf, some first time failures, and then my head gets swayed depending on what i just read. then i try to just tell myself that it totally doesnt matter/has no bearing what on me/our outcome how other people did with their treatments. everyone is different. every situation is different. they should just anesthetize us for the 2ww. we would give our bodies the best chance of being successful and we wouldnt have to go through this torture. what a thought.

hoping that we can enjoy our weekend and that it goes kind of fast. i feel like my week next week should go kind of fast, as it will be my first full week at work in a while. we'll see. my goal is to wait until at least weds, which will be 9dp5dt. i might get cold feet at that point and be afraid of getting a negative on a hpt and just wind up waiting for the beta, but who knows what my nerves will make me do at that point.

qotd 18
favorite infertility relatable quote. 


"even miracles take a little time" - Fairy Godmother, in Cinderella

“If a tree falls in the forest, can anyone hear it? If an infertile bangs her head against the wall in a bathroom at a baby shower, can anyone hear her?”

back to normal.

returned to reality today. lovedove came home and it was the cutest airport scene. the elevator doors opened to the luggage claim area and sofia spotted her mommy immediately. she ran (as fast as she could without falling) right into lovedove's arms.  it was wonderful. we spent some quality time together before i had to leave for work and tonight its back to our normal routine of tv time on the couch. so happy to be back in our daily normalcy, with the exception of being fairly early into our 2ishww. still have a week until the beta test next fri. seriously debating some hpts weds or thurs. i feel completely normal except for my wanting to eat all junkfood. prob the progesterone and estrogen. who knows.

i've been feeling like there really is no pressure on this cycle. i am very comforted by how many embryos they were able to freeze and i feel like even if it takes us more cycles to be successful, we're pretty much set for the next few months. plus our insurance supposedly covers 3 ivf cycles so i feel very well covered. of course i hope  for a happy result sooner rather than later, but all of this really puts me at ease, as much as one can be at ease while being very hopeful during the 2ww.

qotd 17
3 wishes.
1. to like my children in their teens years and adulthood. LOL
2.  to always happy enough in our jobs throughout our lives.
3. to be outnumbered by pitbulls (that get along swimmingly) in our old age (and that they dont get separation anxiety when we travel the world).

my last lonely night

not that im that lonely, the dog certainly takes up enough space in the bed. she manages to take up a good third(+) of the bed on a normal night, so you can imagine how she sprawls out where there is only one mommy in the bed. clearly im thrilled that we're almost done with this ridiculously timed business trip. i cant wait to hug her and smell her, that was always my favorite part of reuniting(she was away  for 2 years in college). i did every single (mostly redeye) airport pick up, gladly. you know how everyone just has a smell, right?

2dp5dt nothing to report today. the random here and there nausea continues, really only once or twice a day for 20 mins, thank you progesterone suppositories. i thought for a second my boobs looked bigger, but im fairly certain they actually dont. the only things i want to eat are crap foods and sweets, but thats probably me just eating my stress. hoping that the little embie decides to act according to the nyu schedule i posted yesterday and will begin to implant tomorrow. today i really started to think about if im going to poas. im pretty against it, as bfns are heart wrenching for me, and those tiny faint positives i had in december are still sitting in my head. i might test a day or two before the beta, but we'll see what i actually wind up doing. one of my coworkers (they're all straight.. which is kind of odd now that i think about it, but i do work at a small and kind of conservative mental health clinic) is also trying to get pregnant. she has endometriosis too, but didn't have a problem getting pregnant with her first, so i kind of feel like we're in a race, even though clearly we're not. id like to come out a winner either way (pregnant, and soon).

qotd 16
Have you ever bonded with someone in real life over infertility even if just for a few minutes? 
I'm racking my brain, but I dont think i have. the only person that i know of that had real difficulty getting pregnant is one of my cousins, but that whole situation was very hush hush. everyone knew she was having trouble, but no one talked about exactly what was going on. she wound up with fraternal twins, so im still wondering how that happened.

1dp5dt

well not much to report here. did my final IM progesterone injection last night and it went even better than the night before. those last 2 i had to do myself which was a little difficult, but i think i over thought the whole thing instead of just doing it. im glad those are over with, but now im moving onto progesterone suppositories. FUN! how much fun you ask? 4x a day fun. i have no problem getting the pill size capsule up there, but i kind of wish that they gave me an applicator or something. i remember when lovedove was on these, she was given a different brand that came with applicators and it was only 3x a day. it really doesnt matter, we all know ill do anything to get to where i want to be. oh the other thing about the progesterone, pretty sure its going to make me nauseous. i battled it for about an hour this morning, which was interesting. it just annoyed me to be feeling queasy this early because now i know even if i do feel nauseous, its probably all just a side effect. i also start my vive.lle patches tomorrow, im interested in seeing what those do to me. ive read in a few different places that women using them get crampy. we'll see. i may have had some slight cramping today, but not much at all.

so my brain has been wondering what exactly should be happening in the next few days if i am going to become pregnant. thanks to the fine folks at NYU Fertility Center i have a much better idea.

i am so hopeful that we'll be successful with this cycle but i am really going to do my best to keep a level head. im going to try to stay neutral telling myself that its not going badly or going great through the 2ww because whatever is supposed to happen will happen.

im super tired of lovedove being out of town. im ready for her to be home. tomorrow im back to reality and back to work. taking the last 4 days off of work was probably the best thing i ever did for my mental health. not that my job is that stressful, but i just didnt want to have to think about anything but my family through this whole process. its been very nice to have sofia's grandparents take the lead role in caring for sofia for the last few days. i feel very well rested and calm, or at least as calm as you can be when your other half isnt around. i know that tomorrow will go really fast and then ill be at work, and once im home from work the day is over and ill just have to get through the morning and then lovedove will be back. i think we're though the hardest part already, it just sucks to be apart during something like this.

my mother is driving me slightly insane today. she does a wonderful job caring for our daughter, but she gives in to Sofia's every desire. sofia is outside for the 3rd time today, not that i mind its beautiful out, but if sofia grabs her shoes and says "out" and walks to the door, my mother takes her out, even if they just came back inside 15 minutes ago. my philosophy on child rearing is to have the child just adapt/be integragted into the adult's plans, not the other way around. i dont want sofia who is all of 20 months old thinking that she calls the shots. i mean she does call a lot of shots, but i dont want her to get used to getting any and everything she wants. maybe im just a moody and angry person today. who knows.

qotd 15
List 5 things you want to do before you die.
1. Pay off my student loans/debt (so that i can go into debt trying to send our children to college, haha - we (pause) are (pause) the 99%, sorry cant help but throw in a little OWS reference with them all over the city today. but seriously we are the 99%, lets tax the billionaires please, thanks).
2. Own a home.
3. See each of my favorite musical artists live at least once (rip Amy Winehouse, that one didnt happen)
4. travel a ton.
5. win something, a big prize or some cash, i think that would be really fun.

2ww time

embie #1 is locked and loaded. (substitute) dr said that the embie was a "very good" one, and 5 were able to be frozen as of today. he also said that there are still a few that they are watching and they may freeze a few more tomorrow. i am just relieved that he spoke highly of the one they chose, and we have a few more if we need to try again. it kind of takes the pressure off. the transfer was pretty fast, less uncomfortable than i had imaged. i guess that i managed the full bladder thing just fine, and the sonogram wasnt too bad. the tech kind of just found the spot she needed to be at and applied strong and constant downward pressure. this allowed the the dr to see the tip-of-a-pen sized dot that apparently was the end of the catheter in my uterus. once they were ready to transfer the embie, she had to apply even more pressure, but it was done within a minute or two. they only had me lay down for 5 minutes after the transfer before they let me get up to pee. they're very nonchalant there sometimes and i appreciate that. they always say "dont worry, its not going to fall out" and i always chuckle politely. do people actually worry about sperm and/or an embryo falling out of their uterus? the whole thing just makes me laugh.

so now my biggest battle/activity will be managing my sugar as best as i can. today has not been a good day at all and i want to slam my head up against a  brick wall bc im running so high. ive been above 200 for the last 3 hours(which is atrocious for me and super atypical), and ive done so much insulin that it doesnt make sense. all i want to do is lie down and relax but what ill need to do is get up and walk around the neighborhood once i finish this post. i already did some very brief and very light exercise a little over an hour ago, but that did little to nothing. usually it helps to "jump start" the insulin and get things back to where they need to be. im super frustrated and stress doesnt help sugar levels either. it just doesnt make any sense and i cant find anything online that says there is any clinical significance to ivf transfers and any effect on blood sugar. urrrgggggggg. again, a moment where i feel like the only type 1 ivf patient alive.  the only reason why im hesitating on roaming around the neighborhood is bc there is still so much insulin "on board" (in my system but not actively working on breaking down the sugar yet) that im afraid if i do get up and start really exercising, my sugar will plummet and go too low, which isnt healthy either. diabetes is a non stop balancing act where there are no constants, no rules, no guarantees, and sometimes i have a really hard time accepting that. in any case, i know that today's blood sugar readings will most likely not make or break a successful outcome on this cycle, as im well aware that women who are not reproductively challenged get crazy drunk before they know they're pregnant and their babies turn out fine. i hope this turns out fine, and if it doesnt i hope i dont blame myself.

hang on my cgm/dexcom now says its finally on the decline, gonna check..... well my first check was on a finger that i did not clean with an alcohol swab and i almost had a heart attack/did have a minor one bc it said i was at 335. it lied, well it didnt, but i let it lie to me bc i didnt do what i should have done in the first place. i got up washed my hands and then cleaned with alcohol and its 240ish. still way too high but on its way down finally. i feel like the worst diabetic ever putting that high of a number listed publicly but i think once i do get pregnant this blog will shift significantly from ttc-land to diabetes management-land. you've been warned. anyway my glucose level is on it's way down, i should probably try to relax now.

qotd 14
funniest meds/injectables mood swing story.
i dont think that i have any funny mood swing moments. i had a mean moment when lovedove was getting ready to give me an IM injection and i was apparently too ready. she was asking me if i wanted her to do a countdown and another question about what would make me the most comfortable and i kind of just yelled at her to "do it already". it was very insensitive to her as a partner and i felt really bad afterwards, although i hope we can look back on it and laugh one day. what a jerk, right?

 i think i got moodier as i was closer to the end of my stim meds but nothing too crazy. as far as other side effects my appetite has been weird and my body temperature seems to have been kind of low as i have been cold often. nothing funny there, oh well.

thoughts and thoughts and more thoughts

thoughts about this morning... lovedove left and has already arrived safely at her destination. i thought i would be way more emotional when we dropped her off, but i was kind of cold and detached. i almost feel like it was better that way. sofia on the other hand got upset when lovedove kissed her goodbye and closed the back passenger door. when i reentered the car after giving a quick hug and kiss, sofia was already half crying and calling "mama, mamaa". it broke my heart. i told her mommy had to go to work, which is the truth, i just didnt tell her that work would be a few days long instead of a few hours long. to try to put a smile back on her face i took her to McDonal.ds for breakfast. One of our local McD's has a "birthday train" and it is kind of just like one of those quarter machine rides, except its stationary and oversized, and its made out of small booths that are back to back. only the first and last booth have any train extension if that is understandable at all. we were able to have a seat in the first booth, a half booth, with just the bench to sit on and the table located in the engine room/front part of the train. its very difficult to describe this thing. (i took a picture on my phone which would be very simple to post, but lovedove and i still havent discussed posting close up/clear pictures of us/our family and if that would cross the line of this blog being "too" personal). needless to say, we had a great breakfast, she smiled the whole time, and she got a free toy from one of the nice women working there at 7:15 on a sunday morning. when we got home, we played a bunch then watched Enchanted. i fucking love that movie. Sofia managed to say awake for the whole movie which was impressive, and i think we both really enjoyed it. then she laid down for a nap, i showered, and now im on the computer for a few minutes. its been a phenomenal day despite the departure of my love.

thoughts about tomorrow.... got the call from the RE's office. my instructions are to be at their far away location at 10:45 tomorrow morning for my single embryo transfer, with a "comfortably full" bladder. can someone tell me what comfortably full means? that doesnt exist in my world. if my bladder is full, im uncomfortable. i understand that it needs to be full for the abdominal sonogram but im kind of dreading this. add to that the fact that my lower abdomen has been bloated and distended as well as slightly sore since the egg retrieval, i really do not have high hopes for the potential level of discomfort i'm going to experience. whatever though, God knows ill do anything to get to where i want to be in this situation. im glad its not super early, or too close to rush hour, i just hope its not too difficult to time. one of the nurses had said to empty my bladder before the drive to the office and drink fluids in the car on the way. sounds like a good enough plan. hoping that i dont get delayed or anything once i arrive. i think ill leave on the early side to allow time for picking up my friend(my emotional support since mom and sister are working, mother in law is watching sof at home) and allowing time for potential traffic. i figure if i get there 15 minutes early i can either sit in the parking lot or the waiting room. oh im sure my head will be spinning way too fast tomorrow.

other thoughts.... i can not believe that there are embryos with my dna sitting in a little dish, waiting for me. at this very moment, they exist and each one of them is potentially our baby. this shit blows my mind. if i tried to explain this to my (very old school) 91year old grandmother, i think she might faint, and then ask for a shot of scotch (what she attributes her long healthy life to: a shot of scotch when you are in pain/cant sleep, a pb&j every morning, and frying eggplant and cauliflower. omg i love her too much i could write a million word post about her). i just can not believe that we are so fortunate to have amazing insurance, the money we saved for this exact purpose (which is starting to dwindle), and a healthy "baby" girl to keep us busy and sane and present in the moment through this whole escapade. not to mention an overwhelming amount of support from our family and friends (and fellow bloggers) that are privy to this process. i just feel so blessed even with everything we've gone through, and i hope that we get to the next part of our journey soon.

which brings me to my next thought.. we havent gotten any new information about the embies since we were told how many were fertilized. im assuming that tomorrow they'll tell me all about the one(s) that was/were strong enough to last the few days in the artificial environment. i hope that i get to see pictures of the cells, so many women seem to be given pictures or glances of pictures that wind up on their blog and id be really interested in seeing my own little guys in the earliest stages. are they able to tell the gender of each blast? is that possible this early? i have no idea actually. i just wonder.

and my last random thoughts are about trying to give advice for anyone who does an egg retrieval. stay hydrated and rest, which is probably what your doctor will tell you,  but really, stay hydrated. yesterday i didn't drink enough water and/or gat.orade (i read online that a few women said they were told to drink 100 oz of gat.orade a day) and i felt like garbage. the bloating was so much worse, i was super uncomfortable. the egg retrieval itself is not bad at all, the following days aren't as wonderful, at least for me they werent.

wow this is long. felt good to get it all out though, just qotd left...
13. Describe your dream vacation. 
at this point in time id have to say that it would just be lovedove and i, on some magical 6 month excursion, in a crazy dream/bubble where we didnt miss our babies (fur and human) and we travel to a bunch of different destinations around the world. beaches/resorts, historic sites, party towns, jungles, desserts, big cities, places known for their natural beauty, etc. but i dont think we'd be staying at the ice hotel in sweden, but id love to go to sweden too. i know that is a very non-descript overview, but i guess i dont know what our dream vacation would be. my brain isn't focused enough to even try to formulate a more thought out answer at this point in time. maybe ill come back to this one to elaborate, one day.

2 days until transfer

so i keep forgetting to write about how uncomfortable/bloated i have been feeling since the retrieval. i guess i have been trying not to dwell on the negative, but its been pretty annoying. dr B said that i could potentially feel this way for approximately a week. im hoping it subsides sooner rather than later.

i feel like im in the 2ww already but these past 2/3 days have just been like practice waiting. lovedove leaves tomorrow am, and i really feel ilke ive just been avoiding the reality that she wont be here for the transfer/for 2.5 days after. its going to be very difficult emotionally. anyway....

qotd 12
what are you most looking forward to about biological parenthood?
i just want to experience pregnancy/baby movement/etc. i also kind of feel like becoming a biological parent will finally make me feel like a "real" mom. sometimes i doubt myself, like i know that im a great parent, but sometimes i just feel like im not as much of a parent as bio parents are, or something like that. its weird, they're awkward thoughts that i feel like i shouldnt even have. i hate the word should, it always implies fault/guilt.

qotd 11

no news to report today on the embies. re's office only called to say that we'd do a day 5 transfer on monday, and that they'd call on sunday to tell me what time. i asked about the embies, but the nurse who called had no info to relay. im pretty sure all is well and i should just try to be patient and ill find out in due time. tomorrow is our family day and we have an outdoor first birthday party to attend. hoping the weather holds up and it winds up being a nice day. lovedove's flight is bright and early on sunday and then we'll have to find some way to make it all the way to thursday afternoon without her here. ::sigh:: wish she was going to be with me on the day of the transfer, but im bringing a friend who has been very supportive throughout my process, and she had her own struggles when traveling down her own road to her daughter (birthday girl tomorrow :oD).

today was day 2 of the progesterone injections. they're not that bad but they make me pretty anxious right before. my heart pounds and the needle stings for a second but they're pretty tolerable overall. poor lovedove hates giving them to me but im glad she'll be able to do 3 of the 5. i think im going to attempt to do the last 2 myself. wish me luck with that.

qotd 11
where do you like to shop?
honestly im not much of a shopper in terms of clothing or shoes. i friggin love costco and target and baby stores. so any humongous store with a million different kinds of products is my kind of store.