really? really though...

just got back from my water sonogram and guess what?! more surgery is needed. honest to God. am i not supposed to have children? are all of these obstacles God saying to me " hey lady, you're a lesbian for a reason"? i am so discouraged and so angry, i almost cant believe it.

today's discovery is that i have 1 or 2 uterine polyps. the water sonogram was absolutely fine. i was pretty nervous about it, its just more wet than a regular sonogram. no additional discomfort. no additional time. i was glad about that. i was worried for nothing. that hardly ever happens in this fucking tale im telling.

my question is... why the fuck didnt we do this simple test earlier?? how about before the first surgery? how about after it? how about any other fucking time other than 6 months into my actual ttc process?? it was so damn simple, why the hell didnt we do this test earlier? as some of you may know, ive been planning this pregnancy (whenever it happens) for a year now. i have cried so many tears, spent a boatload (for us) of $ in copays/injections/sperm/my surgery deductible, spent a whole lot of fucking time/gas/energy going to and from all of my monitoring/inseminations/procedures, and im fucking tired. and now im angry too. not a good combo. im so upset that if i could call out of work tonight i probably would, but i have a really important session with a client and her dad tonight and i would feel terrible if i cancelled last minute. they'll just have to look at me all puffy eyed and gross. whatever. plus i need all of the income i can get at this point, and unfortunately in the part time/fee for service world, if there is no "service" proveded, i get no dinero. speaking of dinero, we joked about naming a potential son Dinero, or even Cash after all of this. (i hope you know we're joking, as much as we wouldnt want to name our potential son something very overdone and tired, we would not be naming him either of those two, even though it would be hysterical).

my brain is just becoming so jaded. sometimes i feel like many of the blogs i follow are ones i can barely relate to anymore bc everyone is getting pregnant (trust me im very happy for them, but im also just very jealous). and i feel like im facing so many obstacles just getting pregnant, that im scared for what will happen when i actually do get pregnant. like all of these negative "what if"s in my head keep happening, how am i supposed to have good energy going forward when i have a history like this?

i feel like today's only silver lining is that we had already learned last week that april was going to be another skipped month. im hoping that this is the final hurdle on my path to getting pregnant. i have barely googled anything about it yet, but the procedure seems to be a d&c and many women talk about little to no recovery time. i hope i can be like them. im so tired of crying angry/sad tears. for the record i dont actually cry that much over this stuff, its usually just reactionary crying, and then some tears when wifey and i discuss it. she has been so supportive throughout this whole ordeal. even when i get upset about the money of this whole thing, she insists i have to carry our next baby. i dont know what i would do without her support. i also dont know what i would do if Sofia wasnt the cutest, sweetest, most well behaved 18 month old ive ever met. shes been an angel through all of my car rides to/from appts and she almost always sits quietly in her stroller while medical professionals place various objects in my vagina. one day when shes old engouh, ill embarrass the hell out of her with these stories, hopefully her little brother or sister will laugh along with us.

"i like to keep my issues drawn, its always darkest before the dawn."
ill have to shake it out and keep on trucking.

did i mention bumps in the road?

i did, right? i said how i've already hit several, and how i hoped i wouldnt hit m/any more? well guess what everyone... we've hit another one. completely unrelated to my in/fertility, body, doctors, etc. when ill be ovulating in april, when we would have done an egg retrieval and a transfer, is precisely the week that the room they use to do these procedures at my doctor's office is closed for scheduled maintenance/sterilization/etc. fuck me. honestly. and i know that in the grand scheme of things just one more month wont really matter, but why the fuck didnt anyone tell me that we might run into a scheduling problem in april? it would have been helpful to mention that when i was scheduling 6 appts in 16 days to try to squeeze all of the prep visits into march so we would be ready for april.

im just so angry to be blindsided again. i cried my eyes out again yesterday (briefly), it was a combination of rage, frustration, and impatience. like i said, i know in the long run i wont care, but it just seemed like things were going to work out just perfectly if i was able to have a successful try in april. my wife would have been off from work and able to accompany me to the egg retrieval & transfer, and then if all went well we'd have a healthy baby in december, right around when she is off for 2weeks. pushing the first try back to may, according to my fertility friend mobile app, we'd find out if im preggers on or right before our 5 year anniversary. which would either be the best thing ever and God would be laughing in my face about how hard we tried to plan everything and him giving us that miracle on our anniversary would be funny and wonderful, or a very sour note right around our anniversary. clearly, we're crossing our fingers that there are no more obstacles or timing mishaps, and that we're able to try in may, and get good news later in may.

its obvious to me that ive had a day to handle the news as yesterday i was feeling pretty shitty. nothing put this brief timing obstacle in perspective for me more than a coworker's story (about a friend of hers). she tells me she has the saddest story ever to tell me, so i tell her not to tell me. she tells me anyway. her friend gave birth to a full term baby girl early in february. right after the baby was born it was clear she would have some issues. long story short, she was born with many congenital defects and her organs were not functioning properly. she passed away at just a few weeks old. my coworker went to the wake/funeral. i was almost balling. how can anyone live through something like that?? ill trade any long road i need to travel to never have to go through something like that, or even know anyone who goes through something like that. holy moly. rest in peace little angel. oh my god. what a horror.

so anyway, ill just have to wait a little longer to give this ivf thing a go. ive got a ton of fun stuff to keep me busy in the meantime, and a wonderful family to surround me and remind me of the wonderful things in my life already. i just have to keep telling myself its not a "waste of time" because i should just be living my life in the meantime, not waiting and waiting and doing nothing but waiting. its just hard because next month i will have have this as my primary goal in life for an entire year. working each day to get my sugars to where they need to be, dr visits, etc. whatever, right? im doing a good job planning and checking things off my list. one thing that will probably take a very long time to check off.... develop a higher level of patience.

skipping a month sucks

my brain wasnt working when i posted earlier this week (besides the fact that my posts have been somewhat unorganized and crappy lately, not that they're ever that good, im just saying) i was thinking that i wasn't ovulating until next week. well thanks to my ewcm, im well aware that i am probably ovulating today and ive just kind of been a little bummed about it. dont get me wrong, im happy that my body ovulates on its own, im aware some women need assistance just to get their bodies to ovulate, but i guess i was doing so well at distracting myself that the physical reminders of where im at in my cycle are just taking their toll on my mood a bit. this is usually such an exciting time in the cycle bc its usually insemination time. i feel like im just so used to being optimistic and hopeful around now. sigh.

im still waiting to hear back from the doctor about what the insurance company has said regarding my situation. its hard to wait, but i feel like im getting better at waiting since ive practiced so much in the last few months. sofia has been keeping me on my toes as usual, but a little more now since she is realizing that now has the ability/balance to run. i always wonder how old she'll be when our next baby joins the family, and how ill manage to juggle the both of them at home during the day by myself. but i guess as sofia gets older, she'll only get more independent. a few people in my family have been able to juggle multiple small children under the age of 3, so i've certainly seen it done first hand, its just an intimidating thought for me.

i really feel like this week has flown since i took monday off, and i havent really left the house much this week. sometimes i get so lazy, plus we just got a new cable provider so all i want to do is check out all of our new channels and watch movies. i really try not to put the tv on much at all during the day with sofia around. we watch an hour of sesame street and then i turn it off. sofia and disa are starting to play more with eachother which is awesome, because that means sofia will torture disa less(aka bother her/chase her away whenever disa has found a nice comfy spot on one of the couches). hoping the weekend flies by too.

getting our taxes done in hopes that by using a professional we'll be able to get the adoption tax credit  we are legally entitled to. then heading to a distant cousin's basketball game, havent seen her since she was little but she's apparently a big star on the local high school womens basketball circuit. she actually just committed to the University of Pennsylvania which is a division 1 ivy league school so it sounds like she did pretty damn well for herself. i wish we could have stayed in touch while she was growing up but there was a LOT of family friction both before and after my grandmother died, and once she was gone our connection to this little cousin was too. but hoping to see her and share some smiles. clearly im excited to see her in action.

then having lunch with a friend who i havent seen regularly since hs. my 10 year reunion is in march and there are so many reasons not to go, but i feel like i should. we'll see. obviously im having some anxiety about that.

anyway, it stinks that i dont have much fertility/progress news, but hopefully i will have something to talk about soon.

so glad that ladies who have gotten their bfps are doing just great in their pregnancies. reading their stories is keeping a smile on my face and hopeful/optimistic thoughts in my head.

moving on and letting go

yesterday's morning of tears, led to a few small bouts of tears throughout the early afternoon, and then i received a call from the PA that i work with frequently at our fertility doctor's office. she understood that we only have one vial of sperm left and inquired if we would be interested in trying IVF. I said that i would do anything to try to make the most of this last vial, as it is really important to me to try to keep our kids related(as plan A, if it doesnt work out, we are not opposed to using other donor sperm, it is just something we'd like to avoid). she set me up with an appointment to meet with the doctor this morning.

i took the trip out to the farther location where the doctor was working today, just Sofia and I. i had debated bringing my mother along for support, but then decided that she would not be able to listen any more intently than i would. shes not good with listening. so i went on my own and Sofia cooperated, thank God. we sat and listened as the doctor told me that he thinks my endometriosis is the problem. he believes the sperm we have is great, and we've done everything right thusfar, but he is unsure if iuis are going to be able to do the trick. so, with that said he suggests we push for ivf. now the issue here is insurance. if insurance covers most of the cost, we do have a tiny bit of money saved up, specifically for family planning. im really hoping they will bc this is what im working with. type 1 diabetes, a thyroid condition, endometriosis, and one blocked fallopian tube. i think that should be enough for them to say yes, right?? so thats what my hopes are resting on, thats the "moving forward" part. at this point we'll just have to wait and see what the insurance company says, which could take a few weeks.

here comes the "letting go" part. i have to let go of the following: frustration with not being able to try to do anything (iui/ivf wise) in february (maybe in hindsight ill be happy i had to take a small forced break?), and the idea that my situation wasn't that bad (as now it seems quite complex).

im working on accepting things for what they are. i need more help than i wanted. this is turning out to be more difficult than i expected. this is our last vial of sperm from Sofia's donor and we may have to do a new donor search.

i guess im just glad we started early. we told a few close friends and our parents know, but im glad i dont have to update everyone i know every time i get a bfn. i dont want people to feel bad for me about the bumps in the road. i believe ill get there somehow. i have my love, we have a magnificent daughter, a snuggle bug of a dog, money in the bank (not lots, but as much as we could put aside), a roof over all of our heads, and fabulous support systems (including the sense of community i have felt since starting to read ttc blogs**). we are very fortunate.

sticking to the fact that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know why at the time. it is what it is. whatever will be will be.

stay tuned for minor gripes, and the ups and downs along the next part of this journey.

 **almost completely unrelated, but i was thinking the other day about how many different women blog and turn to forums to reveal their personal details/struggles/etc and it got me thinking. do men blog about anything siginificant(in terms of baby creation, their life struggles, etc, not politics, sports, etc)? i wonder....

no such luck

well, we had opted for another month of a natural cycle for november. we really had no intention of utilizing fertility drugs, but it looks like its our next option. i was curious (and hopeful) to see if the cyst that had been on my ovary had damaged my right ovary badly enough that I would only produce mature follicles/ovulate from my left side. this natural cycle has proved that this is not the case. hence, this month is shot. thanks to my CD 11 & 12 endovaginal sonograms, we were able to see that the follicle on my right side (blocked fallopian tube side) was almost twice the size of the follicle on my left side. so with minimal chance of my left fallopian tube picking up the mature follicle from my right side, and my decision to not "waste" the sperm on a very small chance of success based on the circumstances, we're skipping November. this is absolutely the last thing we wanted to do because this is the last month in our original "window"/timeframe.

we're both crushed, but I'm a little more at ease. I feel like this month long break will give me the time i need to really get into a positive head space, not that hosting Thanksgiving for 16 helps. mind you we have a 2 bedroom apartment and the living space is not the largest. we've hosted for the last 5 years and this will be our 6th time. oh and since we have a 14-month old, we're completely behind schedule this year and .. yea.. completely unprepared at this point. oh well, we'll pull it together, we always do.

so we've decided that I'm going to go on Clomid for the December cycle in the hopes that i will have a greater chance of developing a mature follicle on the left side. the doctor said they like to do Clomid for three months straight, and if there isn't any success in that time period, they like to sit down at the end of that three months and talk about more aggressive options. i sure hope im pregnant in 3 months because I dont know how much longer I can do this. i mean ill do it as long as i have to, but this blows emotionally. i have no idea how women who have been ttc for years do this. im simply not cut out for this.

i had asked my PA about Clomid earlier this month, but I think i was scared away. im petrified of the idea of multiples, especially because my mother is a twin (fraternal), but it seems that Clomid only has a chance of twins in 5-10% of cases, and thats with the woman having two fully functional fallopian tubes. so my fears are pretty much eased there. my other fear was that ill produce too many follicles and then we'll have to skip the month to avoid multiples, which would defeat the purpose of taking the Clomid. but at this point, having to skip this month and waste time, we feel like these are risks we need to take,  but i have so many thoughts/emotions about all of this. am i being too impatient? am i pushing my luck? should i not be looking to fertility meds already? ive only been through one cycle thusfar, but i just want this so badly, like yesterday. my clock has been ticking loud and clear since my wife gave birth to our daugther. i want to do this, now.

so hopefully the next few weeks fly. and then,  just about 2 weeks before christmas, we can try again. funny sidenote, my wife got pregnant from her december insemination in 2009. my insemination date is a week after hers (or so it seems by my Fertility Friend mobile app) and since they usually deliver babies of diabetic women 2 weeks prior to the 40 week due date, if we were successful our babies would have birthdays one week apart. i would love that because that would mean only one joint birthday party to plan a year.

fingers crossed, yet again, that time flies, and we're successful soon. happy holidays!