1dp5dt

well not much to report here. did my final IM progesterone injection last night and it went even better than the night before. those last 2 i had to do myself which was a little difficult, but i think i over thought the whole thing instead of just doing it. im glad those are over with, but now im moving onto progesterone suppositories. FUN! how much fun you ask? 4x a day fun. i have no problem getting the pill size capsule up there, but i kind of wish that they gave me an applicator or something. i remember when lovedove was on these, she was given a different brand that came with applicators and it was only 3x a day. it really doesnt matter, we all know ill do anything to get to where i want to be. oh the other thing about the progesterone, pretty sure its going to make me nauseous. i battled it for about an hour this morning, which was interesting. it just annoyed me to be feeling queasy this early because now i know even if i do feel nauseous, its probably all just a side effect. i also start my vive.lle patches tomorrow, im interested in seeing what those do to me. ive read in a few different places that women using them get crampy. we'll see. i may have had some slight cramping today, but not much at all.

so my brain has been wondering what exactly should be happening in the next few days if i am going to become pregnant. thanks to the fine folks at NYU Fertility Center i have a much better idea.

i am so hopeful that we'll be successful with this cycle but i am really going to do my best to keep a level head. im going to try to stay neutral telling myself that its not going badly or going great through the 2ww because whatever is supposed to happen will happen.

im super tired of lovedove being out of town. im ready for her to be home. tomorrow im back to reality and back to work. taking the last 4 days off of work was probably the best thing i ever did for my mental health. not that my job is that stressful, but i just didnt want to have to think about anything but my family through this whole process. its been very nice to have sofia's grandparents take the lead role in caring for sofia for the last few days. i feel very well rested and calm, or at least as calm as you can be when your other half isnt around. i know that tomorrow will go really fast and then ill be at work, and once im home from work the day is over and ill just have to get through the morning and then lovedove will be back. i think we're though the hardest part already, it just sucks to be apart during something like this.

my mother is driving me slightly insane today. she does a wonderful job caring for our daughter, but she gives in to Sofia's every desire. sofia is outside for the 3rd time today, not that i mind its beautiful out, but if sofia grabs her shoes and says "out" and walks to the door, my mother takes her out, even if they just came back inside 15 minutes ago. my philosophy on child rearing is to have the child just adapt/be integragted into the adult's plans, not the other way around. i dont want sofia who is all of 20 months old thinking that she calls the shots. i mean she does call a lot of shots, but i dont want her to get used to getting any and everything she wants. maybe im just a moody and angry person today. who knows.

qotd 15
List 5 things you want to do before you die.
1. Pay off my student loans/debt (so that i can go into debt trying to send our children to college, haha - we (pause) are (pause) the 99%, sorry cant help but throw in a little OWS reference with them all over the city today. but seriously we are the 99%, lets tax the billionaires please, thanks).
2. Own a home.
3. See each of my favorite musical artists live at least once (rip Amy Winehouse, that one didnt happen)
4. travel a ton.
5. win something, a big prize or some cash, i think that would be really fun.

qotd 11

no news to report today on the embies. re's office only called to say that we'd do a day 5 transfer on monday, and that they'd call on sunday to tell me what time. i asked about the embies, but the nurse who called had no info to relay. im pretty sure all is well and i should just try to be patient and ill find out in due time. tomorrow is our family day and we have an outdoor first birthday party to attend. hoping the weather holds up and it winds up being a nice day. lovedove's flight is bright and early on sunday and then we'll have to find some way to make it all the way to thursday afternoon without her here. ::sigh:: wish she was going to be with me on the day of the transfer, but im bringing a friend who has been very supportive throughout my process, and she had her own struggles when traveling down her own road to her daughter (birthday girl tomorrow :oD).

today was day 2 of the progesterone injections. they're not that bad but they make me pretty anxious right before. my heart pounds and the needle stings for a second but they're pretty tolerable overall. poor lovedove hates giving them to me but im glad she'll be able to do 3 of the 5. i think im going to attempt to do the last 2 myself. wish me luck with that.

qotd 11
where do you like to shop?
honestly im not much of a shopper in terms of clothing or shoes. i friggin love costco and target and baby stores. so any humongous store with a million different kinds of products is my kind of store.

one day past retrieval

we've got 14 eggs that have fertilized. by tomorrow afternoon we should know how many of those 14 are developing properly and they'll determine whether we're doing a saturday (day 3) transfer or a monday (day 5) transfer. im just over the moon that it seems like the baby i birth will be half related to Sofia. then if we get really lucky, with extra embryos, and in life to be financially able to think about a third baby, then my wife, could potentially carry my biological baby. how incredible would that be? that is much too far in the future to even think about right now.

right now im just thankful that we have some little baby embies starting to grow. this is like a dream come true for me/us. started all of my oral meds and i get to start my progesterone injections tonight. can you tell how excited i am for more intramuscular injections? they're not that bad, but subcutaneous ones are so much simpler.

onto the....

qoth #10
if you are not yet a parent/pregnant. what are you most and least looking forward to after your first beta?
im most looking forward to figuring out a potential due date(because i refuse to think about the due date until i know that i am certainly pregnant... even though i dont doubt that doctors may want to induce me early ...which i hope doesnt happen) but it all depends on how im doing with the betes. im least looking forward to becoming a complete lunatic about managing my diabetes in an even more controlled way than i did to prep for pregnant.

egg retrieval complete

this morning seemed to go as well as it could have.  Sofia's G-ma (my mother) arrived on time to allow us to leave on time, we were up and out of the house on time, we got to the clinic early, and they took me in to check my vitals pretty swiftly. we didnt realize that lovedove could come back and sit with me prior to the procedure, but after i read through about 2 magazines they brought her back so that she could bring me my insulin pump remote control as the anesthesiologist had asked if i had suspended my insulin, but i hadnt. so she came back and sat with me for the last 20 minutes before they took me in. then i was brought into the procedure room, laid down and got all prepped for a few minutes, and was out like a light pretty quickly. less than an hour later i was up and NOT feeling nauseous. thank God. ate some saltines, drank some Hi-C and i was out of there in about an hour. i was actually feeling good enough to head to IHOP (we rarely go but always  enjoy it as a treat when we do) but i have been significantly groggy. groggy like, when you're kind of drunk and your eyes move a little slower than your head when your head turns. i got chocolate chip pancakes, ate about half of them, and was pleasantly surprised with how much i enjoyed them, and again i was thanking my lucky stars that i was not feeling shitty and nauseous. lovedove drove us home and we cuddled on the couch when we got home.

(*somewhat angry/irritated side note that there is so much behind this next rant im not even going to go into it... my mother had to be here at 6.30. she was. i called her at 10 to let her know everything went well, she said she might go to costco to pick up her new glasses. that was the only part of her plan we were aware of. so when we returned home at 12, exactly when we told her we'd be home, she and Sofia weren't here. i figured maybe they had left late and were still out. i called about fifteen minutes ago as they're not home yet. she said she was giving the baby lunch at her place. communication is such a poor skill for my mother, why the hell cant she give me a heads up and just let me know wheres shes at? she always hijacks the baby. its very annoying that she doesnt know how to enjoy Sofia in a group. she and my father always seem to need like alone time to feel like they can bond with her. its strange and annoying. needless to say they are wonderful caring supportive grand/parents, but things like this drive myself and lovedove nuts.)

enough of that crap, the good news.

the doctor said they were able to retrieve 20 eggs. i am thrilled with that. im really hopeful that we'll have a few eggs fertilize and we'll have some to freeze in case we're not lucky the first time. he said that we are probably looking at a day 5 transfer, cant wait. today i must have said 5 times already to lovedove, "our next baby is (potentially) starting today". i just cant believe it. its amazing to finally be here. the doctor did give me a new prescription for a medication to take for the next week to try to prevent ohss, just because of the large number of eggs he was able to retrieve, not that my estrogen is up too high or anything. i love him, he's just so professional and wonderful and honest and nice.

on a crazy side note, arizona lawmakers are doing some crazy shit, recapped by my bro Stephen Colbert here. crazy, life begins at ovulation? come on now.

qotd 9
If you won the lottery what would you blow your money on (after charity and bills of course)? List 10 things you would buy or spend money on.
1. a house, this may never be financially possible for us in NY unless we win the lottery, which we dont play lol
2. cameras, id start with a dslr that ive been desiring for years, and then work my way up as i became a better photographer
3. TRAVEL - i've barely gone anywhere out of the US and i want to go anywhere/everywhere.
4. a gym membership
5. a new car or 2 tee hee
6. sports equipment, expensive softball bats, a basketball hoop, swimming equipment/waterproof mp3 player
7. a bigger tv, not huge, we're not like crazy electronics people
8. a new ipod
9. eating out/buying restaurant gift cards that way even when we got tired of eating out so often we could save the gift cards
10. a beach house in southern california
11. sex toys, they're just too damn expensive for how rarely they're employed but they are fun items, just couldnt leave them off the list

of course i would give some to family members, buy houses for family, etc, but these are like the frivolous purchases i would make. some of these may not seem like huge ticket items, but i feel like as a family, lovedove and i, (more me, she kind of doesnt have many materialistic desires other than clothes/shoes) kind of don't upgrade stuff that isnt necessary. like im sure you saw ipod and were like, well just go out and get one. the one i have is probably 7 years old but still kickin, and honestly i dont take the train to work anymore so i really dont need a new one, but if i had money to blow i'd get a new one. so i feel like my list seems really juvenile but it is what it is.

looking forward to posting the details as i get them in the next few days about the eggs/embryos etc. cant believe its finally my turn to blog about this stuff!

its almost 3pm and i miss my daughter, she still not back. arg.

 until tomorrow ladies :o)

tonight is the night

...that i do the hcg trigger! im pretty over the moon about this as my egg retrieval is scheduled for weds morning at 8.30am which means that lovedove will be able to take the day off to accompany me. though i wish she was able to be around for both the retrieval and the transfer, i almost feel more happy that she's there on the day that im under anesthesia and feel like a zonked out looney. ive done inseminations without her presence before, and i know that this time they'd be putting an embryo into me instead of "just" some sperm, but im hoping that i dont feel super alone. im sure ill be fine.

im thrilled that my dr wants me to do the hcg as he is pretty thorough and if he was at all concerned about ohss im pretty sure he would have made the switch to lup.ron. tomorrow i am scheduled for bloods and to sit down with one of the nurses (not my regular, she's out of the office for a few days) to talk about the process and going forward after the retrieval.

i totally can not believe we are finally at this point of the journey. i haven't let my brain even think about the timing of things or the emotions of this part of the process and now its all hitting me. im actually feeling excited for the first time in a long time. ive tried to keep my emotions pretty steady and my head screwed on straight, and im feeling like im letting myself be hopeful again. im happy to feel this way. i just hope things go well from here on out. my highest hopes are obviously for a bfp on this first ivf cycle, but more realistically im hoping for a few fertilized embryos that make it long enough to be frozen that way if we're not successful the first time we can try again quickly and without having to do another round of stimulation. hoping hoping hoping.....

qotd.
what is in your make up bag?
cover up, powder, eyeliner, mascara, a few lip glosses, berts bees lip stuff, a tiny little lipstick that i almost never wear. i think thats it, im a pretty basic/minimalist makeup person. boooring.

day 8, question 6

it was back out to the far away location today, but instead of going alone i was accompanied by lovedove and sofia, which im so happy about. i tend not to hear things clearly/misinterpret things often when im nervous about stuff, so lovedove was able to have the doctor clarify what he was saying because she saw on my face i had misunderstood. he looked at the many many follicles and when he was done with the sono he basically did the good doctor thing and expressed his concerns about ohss. he broke it down into numbers for me and said that they begin to get concerned when your estrogen level reaches 4,000, and as of yesterday my level was about 1,000. after my blood results came back today, they had only gone up to 1,633, when it could potentially double each day that you do stimulation medication. so he broke it down and said that if my estrogen starts to spike too quickly and all of the follicles aren't mature enough to do the retrieval yet, we would have to cancel the cycle. and with all of these numbers flying around he had said something about 50/50, and i thought that meant only a 50% chance of getting gaining any kind of ground with this cycle, ie getting mature eggs/follies out creating embryos and freezing them, or going through with the full ivf cycle. when he clarified, he says that he thinks with about 80-90% certainty that we should be able to wind up with one of those two desired outcomes. the 50/50 was about which kind of trigger i'm doing, lup.ron or hcg. so when we left the appointment i was kind of concerned that he even addressed ohss, because i really dont even want to think about it as something that could happen, but after i got my estrogen level from the lady who called from the office, i kind of felt better. ohss isnt a major concern at this point in time, at least not at this exact moment. i'm hoping it stays that way.

dr. b also said that i might only need another day or two of the meds if we wind up avoiding the ohss issue. my hopes are resting on just one or two more days of the meds so that lovedove can take a day off of work and be there with me for the retrieval. that.would.be.amazing. its really odd when life throws you these crazy curveballs. she has never been offered to go on a business trip, ever, in 7 years of teaching and her opportunity comes now? its very odd. life is crazy.

qotd
How did you pick your RE?
we didn't really pick him, our gynecologist referred us to two RE's. we looked online at the two, one seemed like a small independent dr and we weren't sure what insurances she would take, and Long Island IVF seemed like a well established, well oiled baby making location(i know that makes it sound like a factory, but they really take their time with you, its much more personal than my description would infer), where they took our insurance and boasted great stats. we loved dr. b from the first visit. he's got the greatest demeanor and is a pretty straight shooter when he's concerned about something. i was just so glad that we clicked with him as much as we did. he was very welcoming to us as a same sex couple and he made us feel comfortable from the start. truly, how could we not love him, he got lovedove pregnant in her first cycle. that was pure magic.

day 4 - ivf cycle #1

 no news to report today. meds seem to be fine. no huge side effects, maybe a little redness at the injection site but thats about it, not even too sore or anything. im pretty sure that lovedove thinks that the meds are making me edgy, but im dont see it myself. tonight is the last night of this dosage of meds before my sonogram tomorrow. im excited to see if my body is responding to the meds, and im glad my period is much lighter than it was on day 2. im fine with endovaginal sonograms, but when i have my period, i feel like the grossest thing in the world. ug, i hate it. hopefully monday was the last time ill have to do it. ::shudder::

today i am stuck home waiting for the delivery of our new laptop and printer. we've been wanting a new laptop for a while as the one we had conked out a while ago, so we've been stuck with the desktop only for.. a year? 2 years? who knows. its been a while and due to the fact that the desktop is in Sofia's room, computer time is very limited. once she's asleep shes a pretty light sleeper so we do our best to stay the hell away from her and make minimal sound during nap time. she sleeps more deeply at night time, but thats when lovedove is home alone because im working and she would love to have the luxury of the internet at her fingertips but bedtime is about 7pm for little miss early riser so its impossible. needless to say we're pretty excited. im sure the doorbell will ring as soon as she falls asleep, it always seems to. ding dong, bark bark, "disa quiet" (in a whisper yell), then waaaaaa! it almost never fails. 

this is so funny to me. i was about to type QOTD for question of the day, and then i thought about a friend/former coworker who used to ask me a ridiculous but always hysterical Lesbian QOTD. oh man those were good times. the place we worked was a fucking hell hole, run by a dysfunctional super unhealthy married couple, and super corrupt. however the people working there, "there" being a local agency focused on providing services to children on the autism spectrum, were mostly amazing, goodhearted, intelligent people, who were also super funny. 

anyway... qotd.....
 
How did you and your partner decide when you were ready to start trying to conceive?
we always knew we wanted to have kids, we had always discussed it when we were developing our friendship, we just didnt realize we'd be having children together. we probably started discussing it prior to actually getting married, but i guess we started talking about it seriously after our wedding. i knew i wanted to "continue partying for a bit" (just alcohol and a little bit of inhalation, but kind of excessive amounts of beer) and i knew that needed to slow down. lovedove was a large supporter of me "slowing down", clearly a good option, and i knew that even though i wanted to have more "fun", i didn't want to be "old" parents. yes i know we're not old parents, but i felt like even starting at 25 we were already a little old. lovedove always tells me how skewed my brain is because i think in timelines the way someone who is 55 did when they were young. i know 30 is like the new 20 now in terms of family creation, but i guess i was kind of in a rush. so after 2 years of marriage we started getting serious about plans. we talked about the desired timing, lovedove exercised almost daily for about a year to get into the best shape she could without going overly crazy, went to all of her doctors to get checked out, and we saw the RE for the first time in october of 2009. 6 weeks later we were pregnant with Sofia. Sofia was the simplest decision we ever made and probably one of the easiest pregnancies ever. future #2 on the other hand, was a simple decision for us (although again i think i was ready before lovedove was) but s/he is certainly giving us a run for our money.

new distraction option

im totally stealing this from 2girlsandababy because im pretty sure i'll desperately need something other than my fertility journey on my mind for the upcoming weeks. its a 30 day thing, so hopefully by the end ill be pregnant. here's to hoping! ( ill answer question/topic of the day #1 before i end this post)

speaking of pregnancies, my assigned nurse that i work with at my RE office told me yesterday that she's pregnant and having a girl. she's a very tiny person so her scrubs must do a great job at hiding the belly! i was really happy for her when she told me, but also pretty jealous, but more happy than jealous. she must be pretty far along if she knows she's having a girl right? she was saying what a hard time she has with girls names and i said how its the complete opposite for us. we already have a girls name picked out if i wind up pregnant with a baby girl, and then she asked what it was. we aren't going to tell anyone the name of the baby that i will eventually birth, but i told her because i know the secret is super safe with her, plus i kind of want to be her friend, yea im clingy in vulnerable situations. i might be clingy in general if i like you, i feel like thats weird to admit. whatever. anyway, i told her the name, and she loved it. she swore she wouldn't steal it. not like it matters, but it kind of does. a random park dad and i had that conversation not too long ago. he was saying how people shouldnt be able to claim names for their unborn children. and really, we know it doesnt matter what others do, if you really love a name you're just going to name your kid that, but for me i think it kind of does matter. i would be super upset if a friend named their kid what we'd potentially name a second daughter. do you give a crap when your friends claim certain names pre-birth? i think a few names have been on hold with our friends, but really under the radar, you'd have to hear it from a friend who is closer to that person, it wasnt really general knowledge. i guess the best way to avoid it is to hold out on the name disclosure till the birth.

the injection process was fun last night. being a diabetic who injected for the first 3 months after being diagnosed, i have no problem with needles/injections. lovedove looked like a mad scientist mixing the meds and i was glad to have her be so involved. i ate dinner while she prepped everything. she even laid out my meds for the next two days. it was cute. i felt happy and blessed that she's right by my side through everything. i kind of feel bad though. she always thought she wanted 3 babies, and after all of this hullabaloo with me, i feel like it may have stolen that desire from her. i mean, dont get me wrong, one kid is a handful, im sure we can handle 2, and 3 is questionable/potentially do-able. but i think that if things had gone swimmingly with me in the first few months she might still be super set on 3. whatever, time will tell, we have to get to baby #2 before we can even think about the possibility of a 3rd.

ok now for my 30 day thingy.

1. what is the meaning behind your blog name?

well ladies (and gents, although im pretty sure no men read ttc blogs) i think its pretty clear. i thought ttc was just going to be a path i went down with a few bumps or twists or turns in the road, but it wound up being an obstacle course. i think this blog was originally named something else, but i cant even remember what it was.



 

day 2 - ivf cycle #1

well, its back to normal today. lovedove went back to work bright and early, and Sofia and i headed to the RE for the routine day 2 bloods and sono so im officially back on the "actively-ttc" train. got the call that im cleared to start my stimulation medications tonight. 3 gona.ls + 1 re.pronex + 1 oral pill that i cant remember the name of right now. same thing for next 2 nights as well, then back into the office thurs am for bloods and sono.

i feel kind of freaked out because for so long this part of my life seemed so far away. my last insemination was in mid january so its been a longggggg break, but i got through it, and now here we are. im finally back in the saddle and im so ready. ready to try, ready to get pregnant, ready to really do this thing right. my mind is just kind of blown because i felt like this day would never come.

i feel like i had so much i want to say but i cant remember any of it right now. anyway, im sure ill sort my thoughts out and be able to post again soon.

here's to all subcutaneous injections (THANK GOD)! please respond well body, please, please. and please do not respond too well that i wind up with ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.

cant wait to see what a lunatic i turn into as i inject myself daily with shit that is sure to make me even crazier than i already am.

here we go, fingers crossed! (again)

supplies

just got my meds in the mail. hopefully in a month we'll be good to go!