8dp5dt

so i braved the evil hpt this morning. i used the coveted dollar tree brand which ive read is very sensitive, and got this.

i am happy, optimistic, and cautious bc its still early. in this home however, that is the darkest bfp we've ever seen. i was really surprised to see the second line show up. i still kind of dont believe it. now ill be moving into crazy testing land and im off to the dollar tree today to buy another, oh i dont know, 6 of them? i plan to test am and pm until my beta that way i should have a good idea of what answer ill get from my RE on friday. i just want to be as prepared as i can be, either way.

today is a good day.

7dp5dt

mr.sof.tee did obey my mental command last night and i was thrilled to have my Chocolate Merlin for dessert. it was fabulous. my wave of super tiredness passed and i was able to stay up until our regular bedtime at 11, which was good because i would have hated to miss Mad Men.

im starting to lose my mind with all of these faux symptoms. not that ive had that many, but when i think about it, it seems like a lot. ive certainly had many feelings/twinges in the last week in the ute/ovary areas, some brief periods of very slight cramping, fatigue, mood shifts, increased appetite, and now i feel like im starting to break out with these tiny non-pimple bumps on my forehead/face and thats super abnormal for me. so maybe these do add up to a significant number of faux symptoms. its hard not to feel like they all mean something. i keep telling myself that im still on progesterone and estrogen and that this is all probably nothing, not because i want to be pessimistic about the situation, i just don't want to get my own hopes up if we're just going to wind up with another negative. trying to stay in the "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" mindset. oh God how i wish this time would be the time. its getting hard not to test, but i know that if i dont stick to my guns about not testing until at least wednesday ill be shooting myself in the foot. as slow as time seems to go when you won't poas, time essentially stops once you have, no matter what result you receive. at least thats how it feels for me.

speaking of the time, big congrats to Lex. im hoping that her bfp starts off a wave of bfps for the rest of us.

oh, quick question. one of my great uncles passed away over the weekend. we were not super close (maybe i saw him once or twice a year for most of my life, he always lived far away), but he was a lovely jolly generous man. he passed away from a heart attack at 80. i wasn't that upset to hear about his passing. is that wrong? i feel like he lived a good life, enjoyed successes, lived well, and didn't suffer a long and drawn out battle with any major disease at the end of his life. i almost feel like, what more could you ask for? my mom is devastated bc he was her favorite uncle, i feel really bad that she's so upset. but what can you do? old people die, we all will, and new babies have to  be born. in fact, that is exactly where my mind went when i heard he passed, which i feel terrible about. i thought, this is just life, family members pass and new family members will be born, and hopefully the next new family member will be my baby. who knows.

anyway.
qotd 21
5 guilty pleasures
1. junk food. ring dings, candy bars, cheese doodles (JAX - omg)
2. alcohol - vodka in particular. i feel like a  rockstar when i drink vodka and lovedove HATES me when i drink vodka bc i get particularly obnoxious
3. mary j (very rarely prior to ttc, never now, but i do still have feelings for her)
4. LMN. i almost feel like if you dont know what that means i wont tell you, i will anyway. its Life.time Movie Network. occasionally lovedove and i will watch a super terrible movie on that channel. i feel like once in a while you need to watch a really crappy made for tv movie with terrible actors so that you can appreciate good acting in other shows/movies. plus its hysterical to laugh at movies with terrible plot lines.
5. home shopping channels/infomercials. i kind of love them and i always have.

6dp5dt

its seis de mayo and i kind of feel like i drank all day yesterday. i have zero energy. all i want to do is lay around. we went over by my parents today and they bbq'd a bit. i was happy to sit and do nothing while the grandparents fawned over Sofia. i ate some chicken, a hot dog, and a hamburger. then i laid in the grass (its a super duper small backyard) and i almost fell asleep. since arriving home about 2 hours ago ive been on the couch. my eyes are hot and kind of heavy and i feel like i could fall asleep if i went to bed right now (its 7:22). i reallllly want Mr.Sof.tee to come around, he usually shows up around 8, so my fingers are crossed.
 <------- i want this. badly. he needs to get here now. if he doesn't come tonight, my back up dessert is sugar free jello pudding in the fridge. i much rather do some extra insulin and go with a deliciously cold chocolate covered ice cream cone. o god now my mouth is watering.

going to stay strong and not test although ive seen very many images of + hpts via google image searches. i will not test until at least wednesday. the longer i wait the less time i have to freak out until the beta. trying to stay calm.

time for qotd #20.
were you a product of infertility?
nope. my parents went on a babymoon, and here i am.

cinco de mayo

and i didnt have a drink all day, at a cinco de mayo/surprise 30th birthday party. im sure it looked quite suspicious but im pretty sure everyone else was too busy getting drunk to really notice. it was hard not to have a drink, so i had a margarita mix (only) spritzer. it did the trick. not the best tasting virgin drink ever but it made me feel festive for a second. i drank a crap load of seltzer and ate a ton of party food. im still so full.

i  have definitely been feeling weird twinges in my lower abdomen and ovary areas, but im sure its just my body settling back into not-being-over-stimulated-mode though its still enduring extra high levels of hormones. my appetite is also out of control. all i want is greasy fried foods and desserts, lovedove says that is the way she felt too early in her pregnancy, so its either that, or the progesterone, or maybe both. one can hope right?

lovedove had a dream i got my period, i hope that dream doesnt come true next saturday. im trying to stay positive and hopeful, and im planning on filling my week with outings so that friday morning comes before i lose my mind.

qotd
5 pet peeves.


1. unanswered ringing telephones.
2. people who think they're "too cool". bite me.
3. people who have all of the answers/all of the advice in the world about any and every topic possible, even though they have no life experience in those areas.
4. people who breed pit bulls/strive to maintain the breeds (inaccurate) rough/tough/big/mean reputation.
5. people who display excessive pdas.
maybe i dont like people that much. lol.

starting to really feel it

i hate the 2ww. i feel like i did ok for the first few days because it was such a weird situation with lovedove gone. now i've been reading too much on the internet about people saying that they test as early as like 5days after a transfer and that you can get bfps pretty early, but i really dont want to get into any of that. i feel like i have no symptoms because i keep telling myself i have no symptoms. what would even qualify my justify as symptoms, my addiction to sweets/desire for junk food and fatigue? those are symptoms of any day for me.

i feel like blogs and google posts about where im at (4dp 5dt)so that i can generalize everything, make myself part of a group, so that i can feel like im not the only crazy person trying to navigate the seas of infertility. i read some first time success stories with ivf, some first time failures, and then my head gets swayed depending on what i just read. then i try to just tell myself that it totally doesnt matter/has no bearing what on me/our outcome how other people did with their treatments. everyone is different. every situation is different. they should just anesthetize us for the 2ww. we would give our bodies the best chance of being successful and we wouldnt have to go through this torture. what a thought.

hoping that we can enjoy our weekend and that it goes kind of fast. i feel like my week next week should go kind of fast, as it will be my first full week at work in a while. we'll see. my goal is to wait until at least weds, which will be 9dp5dt. i might get cold feet at that point and be afraid of getting a negative on a hpt and just wind up waiting for the beta, but who knows what my nerves will make me do at that point.

qotd 18
favorite infertility relatable quote. 


"even miracles take a little time" - Fairy Godmother, in Cinderella

“If a tree falls in the forest, can anyone hear it? If an infertile bangs her head against the wall in a bathroom at a baby shower, can anyone hear her?”

back to normal.

returned to reality today. lovedove came home and it was the cutest airport scene. the elevator doors opened to the luggage claim area and sofia spotted her mommy immediately. she ran (as fast as she could without falling) right into lovedove's arms.  it was wonderful. we spent some quality time together before i had to leave for work and tonight its back to our normal routine of tv time on the couch. so happy to be back in our daily normalcy, with the exception of being fairly early into our 2ishww. still have a week until the beta test next fri. seriously debating some hpts weds or thurs. i feel completely normal except for my wanting to eat all junkfood. prob the progesterone and estrogen. who knows.

i've been feeling like there really is no pressure on this cycle. i am very comforted by how many embryos they were able to freeze and i feel like even if it takes us more cycles to be successful, we're pretty much set for the next few months. plus our insurance supposedly covers 3 ivf cycles so i feel very well covered. of course i hope  for a happy result sooner rather than later, but all of this really puts me at ease, as much as one can be at ease while being very hopeful during the 2ww.

qotd 17
3 wishes.
1. to like my children in their teens years and adulthood. LOL
2.  to always happy enough in our jobs throughout our lives.
3. to be outnumbered by pitbulls (that get along swimmingly) in our old age (and that they dont get separation anxiety when we travel the world).

my last lonely night

not that im that lonely, the dog certainly takes up enough space in the bed. she manages to take up a good third(+) of the bed on a normal night, so you can imagine how she sprawls out where there is only one mommy in the bed. clearly im thrilled that we're almost done with this ridiculously timed business trip. i cant wait to hug her and smell her, that was always my favorite part of reuniting(she was away  for 2 years in college). i did every single (mostly redeye) airport pick up, gladly. you know how everyone just has a smell, right?

2dp5dt nothing to report today. the random here and there nausea continues, really only once or twice a day for 20 mins, thank you progesterone suppositories. i thought for a second my boobs looked bigger, but im fairly certain they actually dont. the only things i want to eat are crap foods and sweets, but thats probably me just eating my stress. hoping that the little embie decides to act according to the nyu schedule i posted yesterday and will begin to implant tomorrow. today i really started to think about if im going to poas. im pretty against it, as bfns are heart wrenching for me, and those tiny faint positives i had in december are still sitting in my head. i might test a day or two before the beta, but we'll see what i actually wind up doing. one of my coworkers (they're all straight.. which is kind of odd now that i think about it, but i do work at a small and kind of conservative mental health clinic) is also trying to get pregnant. she has endometriosis too, but didn't have a problem getting pregnant with her first, so i kind of feel like we're in a race, even though clearly we're not. id like to come out a winner either way (pregnant, and soon).

qotd 16
Have you ever bonded with someone in real life over infertility even if just for a few minutes? 
I'm racking my brain, but I dont think i have. the only person that i know of that had real difficulty getting pregnant is one of my cousins, but that whole situation was very hush hush. everyone knew she was having trouble, but no one talked about exactly what was going on. she wound up with fraternal twins, so im still wondering how that happened.

1dp5dt

well not much to report here. did my final IM progesterone injection last night and it went even better than the night before. those last 2 i had to do myself which was a little difficult, but i think i over thought the whole thing instead of just doing it. im glad those are over with, but now im moving onto progesterone suppositories. FUN! how much fun you ask? 4x a day fun. i have no problem getting the pill size capsule up there, but i kind of wish that they gave me an applicator or something. i remember when lovedove was on these, she was given a different brand that came with applicators and it was only 3x a day. it really doesnt matter, we all know ill do anything to get to where i want to be. oh the other thing about the progesterone, pretty sure its going to make me nauseous. i battled it for about an hour this morning, which was interesting. it just annoyed me to be feeling queasy this early because now i know even if i do feel nauseous, its probably all just a side effect. i also start my vive.lle patches tomorrow, im interested in seeing what those do to me. ive read in a few different places that women using them get crampy. we'll see. i may have had some slight cramping today, but not much at all.

so my brain has been wondering what exactly should be happening in the next few days if i am going to become pregnant. thanks to the fine folks at NYU Fertility Center i have a much better idea.

i am so hopeful that we'll be successful with this cycle but i am really going to do my best to keep a level head. im going to try to stay neutral telling myself that its not going badly or going great through the 2ww because whatever is supposed to happen will happen.

im super tired of lovedove being out of town. im ready for her to be home. tomorrow im back to reality and back to work. taking the last 4 days off of work was probably the best thing i ever did for my mental health. not that my job is that stressful, but i just didnt want to have to think about anything but my family through this whole process. its been very nice to have sofia's grandparents take the lead role in caring for sofia for the last few days. i feel very well rested and calm, or at least as calm as you can be when your other half isnt around. i know that tomorrow will go really fast and then ill be at work, and once im home from work the day is over and ill just have to get through the morning and then lovedove will be back. i think we're though the hardest part already, it just sucks to be apart during something like this.

my mother is driving me slightly insane today. she does a wonderful job caring for our daughter, but she gives in to Sofia's every desire. sofia is outside for the 3rd time today, not that i mind its beautiful out, but if sofia grabs her shoes and says "out" and walks to the door, my mother takes her out, even if they just came back inside 15 minutes ago. my philosophy on child rearing is to have the child just adapt/be integragted into the adult's plans, not the other way around. i dont want sofia who is all of 20 months old thinking that she calls the shots. i mean she does call a lot of shots, but i dont want her to get used to getting any and everything she wants. maybe im just a moody and angry person today. who knows.

qotd 15
List 5 things you want to do before you die.
1. Pay off my student loans/debt (so that i can go into debt trying to send our children to college, haha - we (pause) are (pause) the 99%, sorry cant help but throw in a little OWS reference with them all over the city today. but seriously we are the 99%, lets tax the billionaires please, thanks).
2. Own a home.
3. See each of my favorite musical artists live at least once (rip Amy Winehouse, that one didnt happen)
4. travel a ton.
5. win something, a big prize or some cash, i think that would be really fun.

2ww time

embie #1 is locked and loaded. (substitute) dr said that the embie was a "very good" one, and 5 were able to be frozen as of today. he also said that there are still a few that they are watching and they may freeze a few more tomorrow. i am just relieved that he spoke highly of the one they chose, and we have a few more if we need to try again. it kind of takes the pressure off. the transfer was pretty fast, less uncomfortable than i had imaged. i guess that i managed the full bladder thing just fine, and the sonogram wasnt too bad. the tech kind of just found the spot she needed to be at and applied strong and constant downward pressure. this allowed the the dr to see the tip-of-a-pen sized dot that apparently was the end of the catheter in my uterus. once they were ready to transfer the embie, she had to apply even more pressure, but it was done within a minute or two. they only had me lay down for 5 minutes after the transfer before they let me get up to pee. they're very nonchalant there sometimes and i appreciate that. they always say "dont worry, its not going to fall out" and i always chuckle politely. do people actually worry about sperm and/or an embryo falling out of their uterus? the whole thing just makes me laugh.

so now my biggest battle/activity will be managing my sugar as best as i can. today has not been a good day at all and i want to slam my head up against a  brick wall bc im running so high. ive been above 200 for the last 3 hours(which is atrocious for me and super atypical), and ive done so much insulin that it doesnt make sense. all i want to do is lie down and relax but what ill need to do is get up and walk around the neighborhood once i finish this post. i already did some very brief and very light exercise a little over an hour ago, but that did little to nothing. usually it helps to "jump start" the insulin and get things back to where they need to be. im super frustrated and stress doesnt help sugar levels either. it just doesnt make any sense and i cant find anything online that says there is any clinical significance to ivf transfers and any effect on blood sugar. urrrgggggggg. again, a moment where i feel like the only type 1 ivf patient alive.  the only reason why im hesitating on roaming around the neighborhood is bc there is still so much insulin "on board" (in my system but not actively working on breaking down the sugar yet) that im afraid if i do get up and start really exercising, my sugar will plummet and go too low, which isnt healthy either. diabetes is a non stop balancing act where there are no constants, no rules, no guarantees, and sometimes i have a really hard time accepting that. in any case, i know that today's blood sugar readings will most likely not make or break a successful outcome on this cycle, as im well aware that women who are not reproductively challenged get crazy drunk before they know they're pregnant and their babies turn out fine. i hope this turns out fine, and if it doesnt i hope i dont blame myself.

hang on my cgm/dexcom now says its finally on the decline, gonna check..... well my first check was on a finger that i did not clean with an alcohol swab and i almost had a heart attack/did have a minor one bc it said i was at 335. it lied, well it didnt, but i let it lie to me bc i didnt do what i should have done in the first place. i got up washed my hands and then cleaned with alcohol and its 240ish. still way too high but on its way down finally. i feel like the worst diabetic ever putting that high of a number listed publicly but i think once i do get pregnant this blog will shift significantly from ttc-land to diabetes management-land. you've been warned. anyway my glucose level is on it's way down, i should probably try to relax now.

qotd 14
funniest meds/injectables mood swing story.
i dont think that i have any funny mood swing moments. i had a mean moment when lovedove was getting ready to give me an IM injection and i was apparently too ready. she was asking me if i wanted her to do a countdown and another question about what would make me the most comfortable and i kind of just yelled at her to "do it already". it was very insensitive to her as a partner and i felt really bad afterwards, although i hope we can look back on it and laugh one day. what a jerk, right?

 i think i got moodier as i was closer to the end of my stim meds but nothing too crazy. as far as other side effects my appetite has been weird and my body temperature seems to have been kind of low as i have been cold often. nothing funny there, oh well.

9 dpiui/dpo

clearly no news as i am sticking to my word to not test until i'm actually late. my boobs have been sore but they were sore last cycle too, pretty sure its the clomid. the clomid definitely gives me pretend early symptoms like sore boobs, irritability, etc. ive also been eating a ton, but im pretty sure im just eating my stress.

in a week, at this time of day, i may or may not know anything. based on last cycle's extended length, im guessing that if i dont have any spotting by the end of next monday, then i'll test on tuesday with fmu. i truly just feel like its unbelievable how much i (and every other woman ttc) want to be pregnant. some women have absolutely no desire to be birth mothers at all, and for me, there is nothing else in the world that i want more. i've done all i can to get my diabetes under crazy control, i've given in to fate, i know i have no control over anything else, and i know that when everything is right, it will happen. im just so terrible at waiting. our last 2ww seems like a piece of cake compared to this one bc we had family visiting from out of state, holidays to celebrate, etc. this one is just dragging. literally dragging. ug, good thing i have work, and an exciting weekend ahead to get me through the last of it.

this saturday ill be going to see Stick Fly, a new play on Broadway. We're not much of theater goers, but only because we cant afford to be. we love seeing shows and my mother in law bought us tickets for my birthday (2/6). so im really excited about that. speaking of my birthday, my friends are going to be very surprised if i do nothing for my birthday, im usually quite excited about getting a little more tipsy than i should to celebrate my birth. whatever, if this cycle winds up with a bfn, ill just see who is available that friday night and see who wants to throw a couple back, and if i wind up with a bfp (wouldnt that be incredible?!) then ill just say im too tired and i have a cold or some crap like that. really unrealistic for me, but whatever.

so my wife told me yesterday that she thinks im pregnant but has been trying to not say anything to me bc she doesnt want to get our hopes up. when i asked her why she thinks that, she simply said that when she thinks of me lately at work she just feels happy(-happier than usual i guess? i would hope she feels happy when she thinks about me, sheesh). so im going to try to ride that happy little vibe all the way into next week.

keeping my fingers, and toes, and eyes crossed.

3dpiui

so its super early in the game this cycle. pretty much just beginning my 2ww. feelin normal as usual, trying not to think about having to wait to test. ive also decided that I WILL NOT test before im late for my period. ive tortured myself enough in the past 2 cycles. its really unnecessary. especially last time with the faint positives only to wind up not pregnant.

weird thing happened yesterday. my sugar was out of control. and when i say out of control, i mean even for a person who has loose control over their diabetes. i have no idea what the f was up. i went high after breakfast, egg w salsa and yogurt with pineapple. bolused, walked around brooklyn for a bit. still high, did a crapload of insulin and waited 30  minutes before eating my lunch, nothing. still high as a kite. i was high all day until about 9pm. my highest blood sugar yesterday was 371. i havent been over 250 in about 6 months for even one hour, nevermind several hours over 350. i have no idea wtf happened, but my body just would not breakdown the sugars. i was so insulin resistant for all of those hours and i have no idea why. it was so frustrating. luckily the night was fine, no hypos or hypers. just stayed in healthy range. woke up at 83. hoping i stay in range today.

anyway... happily continuing to read other people's success stories. trying to stay optimistic. i keep telling myself that math is on my side this cycle. at this point ive done 5 iuis so if the success rate is approx 20% then i should be in the running more than usual. (im completely aware that is not the way to apply the 20% success rate to multiple iuis, but i dont care). staying positive and getting on with my days.

wishing i knew of other type 1s tcc. we seem to be such a small subgroup. and as ive already stated, im pretty sure im the only lesbian type 1 diabetic tcc(clearly i know im not actually the only one, it just feels like it). im definitely the only one writing about it. wishing more ladies would start sharing their stories.

ill just keep reading everyone's stories anyway.

my a_s hurts

but only on the right side. that was the side we picked for the hcg (trigger) intramuscular injection. that side got it as a punishment for letting things go wrong with the endometriosis, which caused the blocked right fallopian tube. verall the injection was nearly painless, i almost couldnt believe it. but today, im sure it was done in the right place. my wife was kind enough to give me a kiss before she administered the injection. i think she was more scared that i was. it was a funny ordeal. today i just have some constant but pretty mild soreness.

with that being said, we did our first of two iuis this morning. tomorrow is the next one. really trying to think positive and force fate to coincide with my plans this cycle, but we all know we cant force anything here. with my wife and baby at my side, Gail at Long Island IVF worked her magic again with a speedy insemination. did i mention how much i fell in love with her during our december tries? she did both inseminations and she ran the cold metal speculum under warm water for a few seconds. what a difference!

silly me trying to sit down and type a post while Sofia is up. shes currently emptying her dresser drawers. thank you hunny.

so anyway crossing my fingers and toes that this cycle will be the one. happy friday and happy weekend everyone.

officially in the 2ww

yesterday morning i had my second iui and unfortunately, none of the family was available to accompany me to the insemination (i feel like there is a very fine line between going to something like that alone and feeling empowered/independent, and feeling lonely). i just took Sofia who managed to keep me quite busy and challenged through the 45 minute wait for the thaw, but when it came down to procedure time, she sat in her stroller like a champ, downed a bottle, and slowly but surely threw everything i had left on her lap to busy her to the floor. whatever. i was happy (but not surprised) that she was good , and i was pretty relaxed. between just laying still and trying not to think, and talking to her to keep her happy, i felt calm. that really really is my goal this time around. just stay calm. theres no point in getting all worked up until we know where we're at. and we wont know anything until 2 weeks from now. who created this system? there should definitely be a faster way to find out lol. without a doubt ill be busy, baking xmas cookies, wrapping all of the presents, putting together sofia's kitchen for xmas morning (!! we're so excited to be santa :oD), and running around town, but geez i feel like this is going to be a long one.

maybe ill try to crochet sofia a new winter hat. she already has a million of them, but a home-made one by momma would be sweet too no? my mother just bought her a hat crocheted specifically to fit her little head, that looks like a lamb. its really really cute. i should take a picture and get it on here. its really cute, and i wish that i had the drive + time to learn how to crochet that well and make a business out of it. maybe one day....

anyway, im off to do dishes as usual. crossing my fingers that the next two weeks goes by very quickly (although i dont want to rush through the xmas season, i friggin love xmas) and that i get the answer i want this time.

happy holidays to all!!