a million days later

well its been just about forever since my last post. clearly we've been busy. we completed the purchase of our home, moved in, did some renovation (some ourselves and some contractor work) and for now we're just about finished with this wave of home modification. just have to pretty up the unfinished basement and get some shelving, and pave the parking spot in the back. we love this house. we're very happy here.

my SiL is coming to visit in 2 weeks, the first time she's been back since...... um.. i actually cant remember. i guess it was in the spring, i know we walked over to this house, but i know we hadnt closed yet. so i want to say it been 5 or  months since she was here last. im worried about how emotional it is going to be for all of us. she has never been in this house before, and the anniversary of my MiL's death is coming up next friday. my SiL will arrive the following week. we would not have this house if she had not died. i typed that sentence and then my brain was blank for a few moments. in one way it seems impossible for it to be true that she's gone, and in another way, i feel like the walls of this house are her arms around us always, protecting us from the outside world, making us feel comfy, being the support under our feet with each step we take.

i feel like most days i've learned to numb myself to the pain of losing her. but then that same numbness sometimes gets in the way of me providing support to lovedove, bc i've numbed myself which is fine, but then im less sensitive to her grief. on other days, i'll break out the alphabet book my SiL made for Sofia's 2nd christmas and see her picture. and then im a puddle. i really wanted to watch some video of sofia when she was born, for her birthday last week, and i just couldnt bring myself to do it. i dont think i've heard her voice/watched any video of her since she died. my brain wants to, but my heart knows it will just break into a million pieces the first second i see or hear her. i get emotional enough, and it usually just happens when i look at our girls and wish that she could be here with them. we're so lucky that our girls are happy and healthy and funny, it just seems so unbelievably unfair that she doesn't get to enjoy them in body, i know she's with them in spirit.

so yea im worried about our emotions all being on overdrive, but i know there will be lots of alcohol, which might help, maybe, but sometimes that does the opposite. whatever it is, i will be thrilled to have my SiL here, in our home, given to us by her mom.

(well that took an unexpected turn, deep breath)

anyway, we are all doing well, thank God. work is good with both lovedove and i, not without its frustrations here or there, but overall its fine.

sofia just turned 4 and started 5 day full day (6 and a half hours) pre-k. so far she likes it, but seems to have loved nursery more. i think she just has to adjust to the longer hours. i have to adjust to seeing her A LOT less. its probably good for our relationship though, bc she and i tend to butt heads. now she comes into bed to snuggle with me when she gets up, and seems happier to be around me when im not at work. her going to prek pretty much eliminates any extended daytime contact we have monday through thursday (the days i work) and this will be our first weekend together in our new school year schedule. sofia is awesome, and is hands down the best big sister on the planet (most days). she has had no problem sharing any and all of her toys, even the birthday toys she got last week. she's super nurturing and caring and compassionate. she's truly an amazing little girl.

laila on the other hand...... lol. she is a great kid, funny, excited, "passionate", and by "passionate" i mean she throws one hell of a tantrum. she's truly a mini me, just the way sofia seems to be a mini lovedove. its so interesting to see them carry the strong traits of each one of us. laila's tantrumming has been rough lately, but we've been working with her to try to find compromises. we also think its the storm right before a growth and language boom. she just turned 20 months, so thats what we're thinking. she is a snuggler, and is trying to hold onto being the baby for a little longer. she eats like a teenage boy, runs around like a kid on a sugar high, and makes really funny faces.

there are no words to describe how blessed we are, but like anything else, some days are really hard.

i continue to read all of your journeys though not as vigilantly as i once did. sending hugs to all of you out there ttc and all of you moms caring for little (and big, and four legged furry) ones. hope you are all well.

till next time....

tis the season

to be jolly... um yea, usually. this holiday season is super strange to me. i'm not going to lie, i've been half dreading it. i feel so conflicted with my emotions its crazy. its even hard for me to figure out which emotion "weighs" more in my mind, our first christmas without my MiL or Laila's 1st Christmas. fuck, i'm not even sure its going to feel like christmas without being full of amazing food, wine, and family joy at my MiL's apartment, which doesn't exist to our family anymore because she isn't here with us. it feels like we spent 2/3 of every holiday season at her apartment every year for the last 15 years of my life. there was/is nothing like her house at the holidays. always decorated with home made decorations from years past, always holiday cookies that only get baked once a year, always amazing aromas from the kitchen, always peace- just sitting around with family, stuffing our faces, laughing, watching movies, doing a big puzzle, in our pjs, for days. her house at the holidays is the physical/emotional representation of the "warm wishes" im sending to everyone at christmas time. what the fuck do we do now? have stuff here, yea, but its just not the same. we dont have the extra space that she did (at least not right now), we dont have her holiday humor (a box full of pine needles that had fallen off of the tree decorated with gifts cut out of magazines because she didn't get around to gift shopping one year), we dont have her.

and it fucking blows and im angry and sad about it. laila and my MiL did not get to spend a single birthday together, like in person, together. when laila was born my MiL was not feeling great so she didn't get to meet her until we came home from the hospital. she was in the room, watched and helped to bring Sofia into this world. my MiL's birthday passed last weekend, clearly no together time there. not one christmas, not one new years. there are so many things that laila won't have with her its atrocious. im so sad for all the gramma times laila did/will miss out on, but i am ever so grateful that they had the time that they did together. there were many times when my MiL would just hold Laila for hours while she slept in her arms. many times that that laila was a little fussy pants and only a belly down nap on gramma's lap was the only solution. they shared a lot of smiles and hugs and kisses and im so thankful for that. im just so mad that she was taken from us. so mad and so devastated. and so mad. not to mention watching lovedove grieve in new ways on different days all the time. my. heart. is. broken.

sooooooo, how the hell do i get excited for christmas? laila's first no less. ugh, i just feel like we're half assing it, but truly the kids won't remember. well sofia might because she's some kind of remarkable remember-er, but whatever. we decorated over the last week, incorporated my MiL's decorations and ornaments into our home. the dog was weird the whole time because of the smells of my MiL's house. i talked to Disa about losing her when it happened, but who knows what she understood. i just dont want her to feel like we're keeping her from getting to her gramma. maybe gramma will visit her in her puppy dreams. ugh even the dog is grieving, god help us.

this upcoming week is a busy one. last night was the P!nk concert with lovedove. p!nk is fucking amazing and beautiful and wonderful and the show was unbelievable. the show was at the Barcl.ays center in brooklyn, which is almost in our backyard. not even 30 minutes door to door, made going to a sunday night concert that much easier. weds is my company holiday party, thurs is the rehearsal dinner for my friend's wedding, saturday is the wedding in ct (which i'm in - and i dont even know if i've mentioned that on here bc i never post anymore. long story short, im thrilled to be a bridesmaid, feel like i didn't fulfill my bridal party duties that well due to everything that was going on, and i don't love my dress - but it doesn't matter because i would have walked down the isle in a lobster costume if she asked me to). since the wedding is in ct, we are staying in a hotel, the kids are going to be with my parents. we were thrilled and planning on checking out late, taking our time coming home and retrieving our kids, until we found out that sofia's first little dance recital is the next morning at 11:30am. god help me. the things we do for our kids. except my mom. i asked her to come and sleep here so that i dont have to pack up the two kids stuff, plus the dog stuff, plus recital stuff. no, she has to have the sleepover at her house. i begged her, twice, to just come here to make it easier..... nope. im thankful that shes watching the kids, yes, but my children are wonderful kids and generally not too challenging for any babysitter so im pretty sure that we could have found alternative caregivers. whatever, she'll learn when i start giving away opportunties to watch my kids to other people who are willing to work with me to make things as simple as possible for everyone involved.

anyway this is not a very festive post but i guess i needed to rant a bit. i hope we can make this christmas a happy one for the kids, and im sure it will be good enough for them. im just not sure what it will be like for us, the grown ups. on top of all of that im scared of getting christmas presents from others for the kids. our apt is busting at the seams since we took in a lot of my MiL's stuff and we haven't been able to get rid of baby toys yet bc laila is just starting to play with the large in size items (baby stroller/activity table/etc). lovedove inherited some money from her mom, we're going to try to buy a house in the neighborhood, so we might have some more room in the near future but that doesn't mean i want to fill up any and all new space. i cant wait until we can throw some stuff out.

anyway heres some stuff about the kids and then ill end this, apparently i was in need of some venting...
sofia.. now 3yrs3months old, loves making up little songs, dancing, being the boss and telling people what to do, making little jokes ("hey.. who turned out the lights??" every time i put a shirt over her head to un/dress her - that joke gets old reallllly fast), loves cooking with mommies, loves telling people what is going on or what happened just before they arrived or what the plan for what's next is. she loves "laila baby" and playing with her. oh and her attitude is a little crazy sometimes. sometimes you ask her why she did something and she will just shrug her shoulders. or test the boundaries like crazy, holy moly she gets me mad sometimes.
laila... now 11 months old loves smiling, "dancing", and snuggling. she loves musical (baby/toy) instruments, eating, and also trying to be the boss. her favorite thing to do is crawl over to the dog's bowl and try to get her hands in the food or water. i tell her no, she stops, gets herself into a sitting position, shakes her head "no", and then proceeds to the bowls. i get up, move her back to the living room carpet, and the process begins again and again. she cries, yells, and sometimes lays herself down on the floor to throw a pathetic angry tantrum at the end of 5 or 6 trips to the food/water bowls. yup, she's me in mini form.

all in all i love our family and i miss my second mom. i hope that we can carry on her traditions and feel her with us in the holiday season. we got through thanksgiving, better than expected in my opinion, maybe things won't be as bad as im fearing. but maybe they will.

my heart is so heavy

first, a thank you for the liebster nod, though my mind is not in a place of blogging recently. when my mind starts being my own again, ill jump on all of that good-ness.

Sofia and Laila are well, thank God, each of them growing/thriving/being more amazing every day.

our family is continuing to struggle through my MiL's battle with stage 4 small cell lung cancer. this week, on sofia's 3rd birthday, my MiL's doctors informed us all that they believe that the cancer is no longer responding to the treatments. she has been in extreme pain (even more extreme than her standard level of constant pain) in recent weeks, and continuing treatment has not been an option due to her lack of strength and constant discomfort. after reviewing the mri results from a scan late last week, there appears to be some new lesions on her bones, which clearly is not good. her doctors did not provide a prognosis, but when lovedove's father asked for an estimate of how much time they believe she has left, her doctor responded by saying that he believes we will lose her in the coming weeks, not more than a month. we are all kind of numb to this new information but i think we all knew it was coming. it is so painful to see her suffering. im clearly not looking forward to whatever comes next, but she needs her pain to end. id like to say that i wouldn't wish this type of suffering on my worst enemy, but i think i would. i am so angry. she is the kindest person with the purest heart, and this could not have been meant for her. there must have been some kind of mistake. i could go on for days about this, and im sure i will probably use this blog to grieve at some point, my brain is just mush currently. She should not be the person who's failing health requires me to start to teach my children about death. i'm not sure what effect losing her will have on our family. everything is so uncertain, except for one thing, and no one likes what is for certain.

ugh. needless to say sofia's birthday was a day that encompassed all emotions. it certainly was not the happiest birthday she'll ever have. i know she feels all of this, and all of the sadness and fear and anger, i hope she will forget it. she's been acting out a ton, which is to be expected i guess, but thats difficult to witness and handle. as much as i want her to forget this time, i want her to retain the memories she has made with her gramma. there have been so many wonderful times and for that i am grateful. we have plenty of pictures and videos, but i truly wish that she would be able to remember her gramma's heart, embrace, amazingly tasty cooking, and tiny crafty projects that they would do together. ugh my heart is just breaking.

not sure when i will write again. putting my uneventful happy healthy pregnancy energy out there for everyone trying and expecting.