weekend fun (and a freak out)

after my friday morning madness, i had a friend come over and cooked sofia and I an amazing lunch. then, she also stayed so that once lovedove got home from work, we could run back and forth to the laundromat without having to put sofia in and out of the car seat a thousand times (obvious tip to parents-to-be: friends double as great babysitters). we ended friday on the couch with the shawshank redemption, which i had never seen. clearly an amazing movie, i was glad to finally see it. saturday we were up and out early. had to make a quick trip to the mall for lovedove to search for and purchase a new bathing suit top to match bottoms she recently purchased, and then we were off to a friend's house for our first pool party of the summer. we got there around 2pm and sofia lasted until 8:30! an amazing feat for her at this time of year, she is usually in bed at 7/7:30 but we are going to try to alter her sleep schedule so that she'll be able to be up later during the summer. if we don't she's likely to wake up at or before 7 every morning and who wants that? not me, thats for sure. we really had a great time and it was nice to swim and bbq.

sunday we were up and out early again. we were headed to church, a  place we haven't been able to get to lately due to busy schedules, events, etc, poor excuses i know, but we are only comfortable going to the family mass because we feel like there is more leeway for sofia's behavior. she's usually pretty good as long as we bring things to keep her busy. the unforgettable moment at church was when we went up to receive communion. i always hold her in my left arm and receive with my right. well after i received, sofia decided she wanted to receive as well, and dug her hand into the paten (the plate the eucharistic minister holds with the pieces of the eucharist on/in it) in the split second it took me to bless myself before i began to walk back to the pew! a few pieces fell on the floor and i was mortified. i apologized to the eucharistic minister before we walked away and then i quietly cracked up. lovedove (was ahead of me so she missed the whole thing) and couldn't believe it when i told her what happened. i wonder what the people behind me thought. o geez. it did provide us with a few laughs. what better reason is there to ask for God's forgiveness lol.

after church we headed to a local gay pride event (June is Gay pride month) and met up briefly with a few friends. we kind of did our own thing though as our friends stayed in bars (the common non-family way of celebrating), and we walked around the festival, the family version of celebrating gay pride. lovedove, sofia, and i shared a smoothie, some watermelon, and a lemonade and watched some of the parade. all of that walking, plus braving the subway steps, and i was exhausted when we got home. we were home by 3:30pm and i was ready for bed by about 6. i stayed up and just layed on the couch and watched tv with lovedove. my night did include a trip to cvs for snacks i was craving.

our lovely weekend seemed to come to a screeching halt in the early evening when i discovered some slight spotting. i'm used to seeing some brown/tan discharge, sometimes even a little pink, but this time it had a little bit of red in it. fast forward to my brain going to worst case scenario and i was pretty paranoid for the rest of the night. it was only a single episode in the bathroom, but it was a color i haven't seen yet and it freaked me the fuck out. i dreamt about trying to get into some kind of clinic for them to give me a sonogram and tell me that everything was fine, but when i got there they treated me for an ear infection. go figure. needless to say, i slept really poorly, called the practice im trying to become a pt at to see if there were any openings for new pts (and told her.. the same moron i spoke to on friday... that i had some spotting) and she told me no, to just keep calling to see if there are cancellations. after that phone call i placed a call to my fave nurse at my RE's office just to get her advice. should i wait around at this place for the next 2 weeks, or should i seek treatment elsewhere? im waiting for her call back now, i dont expect to hear from her until the afternoon. sigh. i just hope everything is ok.

i think im 7w5d today, and i feel like 8 weeks pregnant sounds truly pregnant. i just feel like every day is so long and all i want to do is tack on more days to this pregnancy and hope that soon ill be less of a nervous wreck. im really not sure if i will get to that point at any point in my pregnancy but i hope i do.

at this point in time i have zero doctor appointments this week, but i do have plans for weds and thurs during my non working hours. as much as i dont look forward to going to work, it does seem to be the best option for me to not think about myself or this pregnancy for a few hours. i still feel mildly nauseous throughout the day and a few times this has made eating challenging. other than that im fatigued, my boobs are larger than ever, and im irritable and have no filter as far as what comes out of my mouth. its interesting to experience.

im tired of typing so im sure you're tired of reading, but thats whats going on. hoping to feel shittier and shittier as the days go on so that i can be more assured that things are going ok with the blueberry.

morning tears

no, not happy ones unfortunately. its 8am and ive been crying on and off for an hour. clearly cycle three is a bust. and all i can think is wtf. my boobs were so sore which never happens to this extent and my period is days early. an early period, on clomid? are you shitting me? i feel like a fucking fool. i keep thinking im pregnant and im not. I got my hopes up so high yesterday bc yesterday was 11dpo, and i thought i had implantation bleeding. yes i realized it was a little out of the 7-10dpo window, but i chalked that up to everybody's body being different. getting my period early was not even on my radar of possibilities. so i spotted very lightly all day, pink and brown like everyone says, and today, well at 4 am when i got up to pee, red. fuck. my. life.

please do not mistake my disappointment/sadness/anger as me taking what i already have for granted. i am thankful every single day to have a beautiful family with a perfect little girl for a daughter who is happy and healthy and everything we could have asked for. and i am also well aware that many women travel a crazy long road to get to motherhood, im just so tired already. i've been crazy on top of my sugar since last april. i started my prepregnancy consults in may/june with diabetes in pregnancy specialists, who have since kind of fallen off/out of touch which personally pisses me off. like where is the follow up? why did you not refill my prescription for my prenatals when it was sent to you? what, should i be pregnant already? is it taking too long for you? i feel like these people have forgotten about me completely. yes i know im not pregnant yet, but have they given me a call to see where im at? i understand that they  have a caseload of women already in high risk pregnancies, but i matter too. just pick up the phone and ask me how its going you fuckers, or better yet just fill my rx refill request.
im tired of having my bloods drawn, im tired of worrying about developing more cysts, im tired of endovaginal sonograms, im tired of having to get my baby girl up early to get in the car and drive to monitoring appts, im tired of driving, tired of getting my hopes up to be let down, tired of keeping this a secret from so many people but i really dont want them to know about all of the failures in the moment. god damn im sad today. i just feel like a fool. i feel like somebody died and i feel stupid for feeling that way.

gonna lean on my other mommy friends who had some trouble today. already feeling a little better after texting with one of them. she reminded me that everything happens for a reason, and i truly believe that. i have to remind myself of that. that quote is something that will help me to find peace with each setback. but now there is so much more thinking to do.

what do we do with the last vial we have in storage?
does my body hate this sperm?
should we sell it back to the bank and try to look for a new guy? (which would throw the possibilities of our children being genetically half siblings... something we really wanted)
do i do the next cycle with the one vial we have left, as one last chance and then look for someone else?
will that just be another waste of time and money?
i just want to be pregnant right now.

the only thing that stopped me from waking up in tears is that i had a dream that we dropped Disa (the dog) off at the vet for some small routine procedure, and when i went to pick her up, they gave her body to me in a plastic shopping bag and didnt even explain how she died. it was a very very strange dream. i dont even think i cried in the dream because nothing made sense. and the crazy part is that i take her to a shelter/clinic that i worked at where i know and trust the doctors. it was so strange, i guess in my dream i almost knew it couldnt be real. when i woke up, there she was, laying right next to me, in between my wife and i. she was snoring her snout off, and keeping us cozy and warm. i hugged her a little closer to me even though i cant stand her snooring. i love this face so much!

just got off the phone with my loving wife, and the more i talk about it the more if feel blindsided. i just wasnt emotionally ready to have an answer yet. i thought for sure i would have a longer cycle  bc i did last time on the clomid. i really thought i was pregnant this time. and ive been reading so many blogs with lovely ladies getting their bfps and posting sonos, i really thought it was some wonderful wave that i could catch. i guess its just not my time yet.

gonna just have to grieve this one and try to move forward. will prob listen to this (Grey Street by Dave Matthews Band) a bunch today. my favorite song of theirs and pretty on point today. wishing i didnt relate so much to the lyrics, but trying to understand its just part of the road i have to travel right now....

16dpo

Well, here i am at 16 dpo, cd 30, the longest cycle ive ever had, and im not sure where we're at. I had a lot of what i think are false early prego symptoms, which i attributed to the clomid side effects. then on 13dpo i took a first response early pregancy test. i got a faint positive. and when i say faint, i mean faint. so instead of it being a BFP(big fat positive) like i was hoping for, for me it qualitifed as a TFP= tiny faint positive. so unsteadily i got my hopes a little up, hoping that all of the hcg from my ovidrel injection was out of my system and we were really on our way to success. patiently i waited until the next morning (14dpo) to test again. this time i used a cvs brand early pregancy test. again a TFP. in my head i thought, ok, 2 for 2 this is good. later that day i started to spot some, with mild cramping, and i thought, oh shit its over again. (warning: next sentence may contain tmi) well, i've been spotting for the last 2 days nothing bright red, mostly shades of brown, some pink. im well aware that this could be the start of my period. im also aware that im a day late because the clomid can extend the length of your cycle.

my brain has been running around in circles for days about whether i had a chemical pregnancy, categorized as a miscarriage within the first 5 weeks, often identified by faint positives on early pregnancy tests by women ttc, or if the hcg from the trigger shot is still in my system, or if i could actually be pregnant this time around. so i scheduled and went in for a blood test this morning. the rational side of my brain says, no of course not. you're period is just taking longer to actually start due to the clomid. and my heart is saying, just hold on to some hope, everyone's pregnancy is different, some women spot and cramp for weeks.

well, no more wondering. just got the call from my doctor's office. its a no go this cycle. as sad as i am im just glad to have an answer. again.

its just a really hard process for my wife and i. i mean clearly, of course it is.  and i really struggle when i get into my self pity mode when its an unsuccessful cycle. i know there are women who have it wayyyyy worse than i do, and im thankful that my situation isn't as bleak as some other women. but its just hard when i feel like my body is the problem. with the diabetes, and the thyroid condition, and the blocked tube, and the endometriosis. even though everything is well controlled its hard to feel like the problem isnt with me. i know this sperm can get people pregnant, thats how we got our little Sofia. we know these doctors have this down to a science. i just need some luck.

and ill keep waiting on my luck, and our baby, because i know until the right baby is ready for us, there will be no baby.

so guess who'll be drunk this new year... :o/

hoping that 2012 brings a load of health and happiness my way, and everyone else's way too.

see ya 2011, good riddance.