no news is good news

well, i've got no news of my own to report really, but i'll get to me later.

a week ago i posted about being "there" early on in the day. it was a normal thursday. lovedove came home from work at the regular time, i went to work, blah blah regular thursday. then im in my first session and my phone rings and my receptionist tells me that lovedove is on line 3. WTF. she never calls me at work, so i know something is up. she's crying and scared and tells me that her mom had a chest xray and they found a spot on her lung. fast forward one week to today. we now know that lovedove's mom has stage 4 lung cancer, and it has spread to other parts of her body. she's currently undergoing testing and getting good care to try to figure out exactly what we're dealing with, and how we can best combat it. needless to say, it was not the merriest christmas. Sofia's christmas was great, she saw her cousins at christmas eve and santa came to visit the cousin's at Gma's christmas eve celebration (the most painstaking holiday celebration of my life, as we found out the stage of the cancer earlier that day), and left her great presents on christmas morning, but i think she can tell that something is off with everyone.

i can not believe that this is my real life right now, none of us can. we're just trying to take things one day at a time bc thinking into the future at all is scary and useless because all we know we have is right now. hell, she's a fighter maybe we've got another 40-50 yrs with her, but there's nothing in this world that guarantees me that i wont get hit by a bus tomorrow, you know? so this is my news, and as a family we're just trying to hold on to each other and figure out the best way to hold our shit together and be strong for each other.

this situation has created a weird emotional space for me. i'm really excited to be getting very close to meeting our next little baby, but a part of me feels:
(a) worried that the joy of this baby being born will be muddled with sadness
(b) guilty that i have such a happy event coming up and my MiL has the fight of her life coming up
(c) bad for lovedove that she is facing all of this at one time
(d) selfish that at times when im doing what needs to be done to help (staying with sofia, doing extra cleaning up, whatever etc) im think.. shit isn't this supposed to be the happy and easy part of my pregnancy?
(e) sooooooooooo scared.
so yea, im not feeling great emotionally, its a really rough place to be. my MiL is truly one of the unique and caring people i've encountered in my life, and she has loved me since the day i entered her home for the first time, and i know that because i've felt it every second. anyway, we're going to fight this, thats that.

updates on me and baby. my official dr date is 36w5d (i still think im 37w2d) and i want this baby to arrive. i hate the pain im in when im rolling over in bed at night, and the pelvic pain sucks on the days i have it. i had my doctor check me yesterday just bc i was curious, she said she got "one fingertip in there" and im "exactly where i should be". she doesn't seem to think i'll go early, but i have had a few contractions that i believe are semi real, but not very painful at all. tons of braxton hicks. tons of fatigue. not sleeping that well lately. grateful to be this far along in a very uneventful and healthy pregnancy. eye appt today to make sure there isn't any bleeding in the back of my eye from the betes + pregnancy. got this picture of chipmunk cheeks yesterday. makes me really happy and anxious to meet her.

39 is the finish line

met with my doctor yesterday for our regular check up. she did my cultures, which was the first time i have been bottomless in a doctor's office in a while, and she joked with the nurse the whole time. the two of them are really great and make me feel super comfortable always. after she did those swabs and checked baby's heart beat on the tiny doppler, she asked me to join her in her office. she gave me the pre-registration packet (which i apparently was supposed to receive much earlier but they forgot - no biggie) and we talked about what the plan is. then she used one of my favorite quotes about life "we plan and God laughs". its so true sometimes. anyway, she would normally start seeing me weekly at this point, but she's not in the office next thurs, so i'll see her 2 days after christmas when im almost 37 weeks. CRAZY. where does the time go that christmas is in 11 days? anyway. she said that because i'm there so frequently (every 3-4 days) for a sono and nst, that she's not going to worry about having another clinician check in with me next week. the plan is, that if "all" continues to go well, "all" being tight control of my blood sugars without them plummeting (which may indicate placental breakdown - in which case we'd need to meet baby sooner than later), my blood pressure continuing to be where they want it, and decent non stress test results/biophysical profiles w the sonos, then we'll try to get to mid january and then induce. so, within a month, we should meet this baby. holy moly. so many feelings ranging from crazy excitement, a little bit of worry about delivery and how it will go, to omg we're going to have 2 kids/how am i going to learn to juggle all of that with a crazy dog, etc. i can't believe she's almost here.

baby was not that cooperative on the non stress test machine yesterday. i'm usually in a recliner, they have 2 set up, but they were occupied, so i laid on a stretcher during the test. apparently baby thought i was sleeping and went to sleep too. after a while and some unsuccessful attempts to wake her up by drinking cold water, they had me turn onto my side and lay there for a while longer. she cooperated once i was on my side and after what was probably an hour, they let me go, satisfied with the heart rate info during her movement that they saw on the printed strip.

then at the sono, the tech seemed a little concerned with my placenta. apparently it is horseshoe shaped and she was a little concerned about making sure it attached at some point. one of the doctors came in to look around with the sono wand and said everything looked fine, and that she was not worried. however, had i not already been scheduled for 2x a week sonos, that type of thing would warrant getting those additional peeks to monitor that kind of thing. when i asked my dr about it, she said that it is just to make sure that when i deliver the baby and the placenta they are able to get all of the placenta out, to avoid additional unnecessary bleeding after the birth. so any minor stress i experienced from that was pretty much put to rest once i spoke with her.

cue frustrated family ramble. every thursday, i pretty much rely on my sister to watch sofia while im at my appt(s). fine. so weds i speak with her about what the plan is, i ask her to come to our apt around 9.30/10 because i need to leave at 10 to watch sofia. i ask her to bring her car so that i dont have to put the car seat in her car, and i would just drive her car to my appts. my only request is that she take Sofia to storytime at the library, which she hasn't been to in weeks. ok. arrival time to our apt. 10 on the dot. she brings her boyfriend. totally fine bc he's a really nice guy and treats Sofia like gold, however, they drive over in his truck. now i have to transfer the car seat into this car. that takes time. fine. whatever, i get out of the house and get to my appt about 15 minutes late, which is now normal bc my family is typically not good at arriving on time/early. i didn't go on fb from my phone while i was at my appts bc my phone is pretty much always dead (the battery and phone are 2 yrs old and i think its just not holding a charge well anymore) and i just zoned out/read a magazine/etc. i get a text from lovedove that reads "your sister's fb post irritated me a little". so of course now im curious. i go on fb. i see a pic of sofia and my sister's boyfriend at the library reading a book. fine. i read the caption my sister puts with the picture. "storytime!! how ironic she picks out "daddy and me lol". ok, 1. she doesn't have a dad. 2. its not funny that she likes that book (its a flap book, she has several just like it by the same author, we've read it before) 3. your bf is certainly not her dad. 4. your boyfriend isn't even her "uncle" until you get engaged/marry him.

cue my fury. i commented on the post and said "are you trying to start a fight? you should probably think a little more before you post stuff". i just felt so angry. like i think ive said on here, i feel like she loves to play house with our baby, that we planned for, provide for, and care for every second of every day. when she takes Sofia places its not like - oh this is my niece, she's so cute, i love spending time with her, (for me it feels more like) its - i'm pretending this is my kid and this is my little family, and that is exactly how that post made me feel. plus, i dont think its a laughing matter that she doesn't have a dad. Sofia is aware that she doesn't have a daddy, but i think she's ok with it at this point. we talk about different kinds of families, and she knows that she has two mommies and she's a well rounded happy kid. i was just so furious. she didn't respond in any way to what i said, and she probably feels like im over reacting. i dont think i am. i didn't scream, i didn't yell, i didn't even address it with her in person. my family's way is to just avoid any "real" confrontation, and any time i do address any real issue i have with things they do or say, i'm the emotional (now pregnant - lucky them they get to play up the hormones too) one who makes a big deal out of nothing all of the time. i feel like i would have been fine with either the pic by itself, or the caption by itself, but the two together just made me too angry. arrrrggggg.

what about you - other 2 mom families? how would you have felt in this situation?

32w

had an amazing thanksgiving here, all was well, our guests came and went in shifts as they always do. lovedove and her mother cooked everything and did way more work than they usually do, because i was pretty much relaxing with my feet up for most of the day. i felt super fortunate to be surrounded by food and family and thoroughly enjoyed the day. i did my fair share of eating for 2, and have continued to do so, because as the host home, we wind up with most of the leftovers. however, i must say, there is still some of both pies (apple and pumpkin) and there is still vanilla ice cream AND we still have whipped cream. thats some kind of amazing in this house 3 full days after the main feast. the highlight of my day was making my sister feel the baby. i had tried to share baby with a few other family members, but as always, she decided to play hide and seek hide, and didn't really let anyone else feel her. my sister got a swift kick in the head from baby as she momentarily put her had on my belly, and i also got her to feel some of baby's hiccups.

sofia has been on a no nap kick for the last 5 days or so, which drives me nuts, but she's been holding up ok. she gets completely zombied out, and we usually make her stay in her room for a while, but she refuses to sleep. she's so strong willed its scary. all in all, she is still a very well behaved little girl and im thankful for that. today she did a numbers and shapes puzzle all by herself. i was amazed bc she usually gets frustrated pretty easily and demands help, so i was super proud of her. she's also been coming up with some interesting sentences lately. sometimes lovedove and i look at each other to try to figure out where she got whatever new vocabulary word she threw into the mix. today she said "i'm running quickly" and we were baffled as to where she learned the word quickly. its an odd phenomenon to witness.

we've been kind of vegging out and just relaxing this weekend. its been lovely, to me at least. i like having days where we do nothing because so much of our life is tightly packed with activities and usually tightly scheduled. we did venture out yesterday to visit lovedove's mom at the bank she works at, and go for a quick lunch at McD's. I've been eating way too much fast food lately, but only because of said tight schedule and all of my doctor appointments. today our outing included a trip to bab.iesRus and we bought a new diaper bag, one 2 pack of binkies, and new nipples for baby's  bottles. i can't believe we're at the point to do this shopping already but we are.

tomorrow begins my 3 appts, split between mondays and thursdays every week until i deliver, and i have an appt with my regular endo on tues. (i still have not gotten the shipment my diabetes supplier sent out on monday, which i dont even understand, but i was luckily able to grub some strips off of lovedove's grandma. i had helped her out a while ago in a similar situation so i was thrilled that she could help me. the last thing i want to do is blow $50 on 50 testing strips at a local pharmacy, when i get hundreds of them for a $15 copay in my usual shipments.) so long story short, this week there are dr's appts on mon, tues, and thurs, and then saturday is my friend sprinkle. we are giving sofia to my parents for all of saturday and saturday night. they are taking her to disney on ice and hopefully nothing more. im having some anxiety over the fact that they are taking a cab to and from the event, hence sofia won't be in a car seat. my mom knows a neighborhood cab driver who has driven both her and my sister home millions of times so they're going to call him, but its just my regular old anxiety over things i can't control kicking in. i've certainly struggled with anxiety more during this pregnancy more than i ever have in my life. im hoping that my anxiety level goes back to its pre-pregnancy (nearly non-existent) level once baby is here.

so yea, this seems like the home stretch, the ticker says 56 more days, but it still feels like a long time away. im sure it will fly, but im not going to say that im not looking forward to non-pregnant life. my lower back/spine pain gets annoying, and my pelvic area pain (that comes and goes, nothing im concerned about) isn't pleasant either. its nothing atrocious though and im very thankful for that.

lovedove and i may have decided on a new middle name, i really like it, and i like that it's more of lovedove's pick. i like that we now have an option other than the one name that we were thinking so i'll be happy to take a look at baby and know that we have more than only one option.

at my sono on thurs jane the newbie sono tech, said baby weighed in at 3lbs14ozs so i was happy with that. the pics from this week were eerily ghostly. needless to say i have my fingers crossed that jane doesn't work on mondays.

hoping everyone enjoyed their holiday and everyone is doing well. have a good week ladies.

28w5d

that number sounds scary because as far away as baby still seems, everyone keeps reminding me im in the "home stretch". technically theres about 11 weeks until our due date, but there's only 2 weeks until my family sprinkle, and about a month until our friend/bachelor party/pinup/sprinkle. then its almost christmas and new years, and i feel like after new years, i'm going to be so ready to meet this baby. i know that the rest of this time will most likely fly, but it doesn't feel that way on a daily basis. people are still telling me that i barely look pregnant, and i've determined the cause. i can't remember if i've given my reasons before, but here they are.. 1. i'm not a small person to begin with. 2. my boobs are pretty huge. i try not to refer to them as huge, as i have seen women with bigger boobs, but my boobs are pretty big, and right now they are probably the biggest they've ever been. so given my bigger frame and my huge boobs, my belly barely protrudes past my boobs (at this point), so it gives the illusion that im not that big. whatever, i know i'm showing, i certainly feel my belly size when im moving around. oh, and ive officially begun to annoy myself. i feel like i cant stand up, sit down, bend over, etc without grunting or making some kind of noise that matches the additional effort required to complete the task at hand due to my increased body mass. last night i did it so often while getting onto and off of the couch that i was pretty frustrated with myself. its kind of a funny thing.

i was able to reschedule my sono and nst (non stress test) yesterday and lovedove was able to accompany me since nyc schools are still out. i'll come back to hurricane Sandy and her aftermath. the non stress test was fine, and pretty enjoyable, as all it entails is them strapping 2 fetal monitors to my belly, having me sit in a recliner with my feet up for 20-30 minutes, and pushing a little button when i feel baby move. the nurse said baby's heart rate looked great, and i was happy that they were happy. then i had my sonogram with the newbie again. needless to say, she still sucks. didn't even give me any pictures, which is pretty much fine, because i rather not have crappy sono pics where baby looks like an alien, when i know that she is looking more person-like every day. whatever, im just glad that she is measuring on time and is still smack dab in the middle of the charts. second sono in a row where she is in the 50th %ile, making her perfectly average. honestly i feel like i hope she comes out a little chunky, but that might not the smartest hope since i'd prefer to deliver vaginally. whatever, we all know that i only care about our health in the end.

on to Sandy and her aftermath. luckily, no one i know was hurt in the storm. power lost, yes, many of my friends and family are still without power. damage to homes, yes. one friend's backyard shed wound up in her neighbor's tree. my aunt and uncle had a tree in front of their house fall on the house and a large branch came crashing through their bedroom window, luckily they were downstairs. the worst damage of any friends  i know have to gut the entire first floor of their home, where most of their possessions were. i know how much work they put into that home when they bought it and i feel so sad that they'll have to do it again. they seem to be hanging in there though, and amazingly their spirits seem semi high as they have seen the devastation elsewhere. they've already begun the clean up process, and if i wasn't 7 months pregnant, i'd be jumping in to help. today lovedove and i are going to plow through our closets to find clothes to donate. we plan to donate a bunch of baby clothes since we have so many and we already have our favorites from when Sofia was little. the whole thing is so strange. we didn't lose power for a second. other people lost everything in one second. just a few miles from here, 100 homes burned down in the midst of the hurricane, and in my neighborhood we have power, working stop lights on our streets, and just a few big trees down. once i leave the neighborhood/turn on the tv i can see the more extensive damage, but it feels like im seeing/watching coverage of a different world. im just so thankful that we were so fortunate, and im going to make sure our family does what we can to try to make the healing process easier for families who were not so fortunate.

with that said, ill end this post. wishing everyone a lovely weekend, and praying that those who need assistance in the tri-state area get it quickly. ug. its just so sad.

10w2d (yay, double digits!)

this week has been so jam packed with stuff. sunday was father's day, monday and tuesday were normal i guess, i have nearly no recollection of them, plus the weather wasn't atrocious yet. wednesday we completed the sale of my car and then had a pool day before i was off to work. sofia is doing awesome in the water, 2 springtimes of swim lessons are paying off! thursday was nuts, dropped sofia off to stay and swim with her (aunt) DeeDee, and i was off to my first doctors appointment. the dr is SUPER nice, clearly experienced and confident, and acted like she had all the time in the world to sit and get to know me. cue me being in love. i was thrilled that she gave me a to-do list including another 24 hr urine sample (HATE), another ekg (no prob), and an eye appt with my eye dr (no prob). she did mention to me that due to my diabetes, i have to be careful about my blood pressure, which thankfully ive never had a problem with before. there is a possibility for gestational hypertension, which in its worst cases can lead to preeclampsia aka toxemia and can result in several terrible things that i dont want to let my brain know about, even though it already does. i was glad that she mentioned this to me as i'm a big believer in the earlier i know about something, the better equipped i am to deal with it/work to prevent it. she liked that i was proactive in controlling my diabetes with a pump and a cgm (probably too physically annoying for most, i swear one day ill post pictures of my devices) and hopefully the 15 tubes of blood they pulled will show her how good of control i have. i haven't been told of my A1C reading since march when it was 5.8, i would love for it to be lower now. I can probably ask when i go back for my nuchal in 2 weeks.

im a little worried about the nuchal bc a friend found problems at that scan with her first 2 pregnancies, right around when we were pregnant with sofia, and another friend recently had a scare after the nuchal, but baby turned out just fine and perfect in the end. im trying to tell myself there is no need to worry, and if they do see something to worry about, we'll just deal with it then. whatever will be will be, it is what it is.

today we've already had breakfast with sofia's nonna, hit up kmart for a put-on-the-grown-up-potty-potty seat (we dont think sofia is going to use a "kiddie" potty) shes seems to be much too stubborn for that. once lovedove is out of work for the summer we are going to start "trying" to see if she's ready to potty train. i have plans for lunch to see a former coworker who is expecting VERY soon (missed the shower), then the dog has another vet appt at 5, and then we have friends coming over to sit around and bs in the evening. im exhausted just thinking about it. 

tomorrow we have my cousin's bridal shower, which im looking forward to and i think will be lovely, although i wish i looked pregnant. i totally dont at all, which i guess is fine bc i feel pregnant most days (with huge sore boobs and/or nausea) and im starting to be more confident that we're on the road to success.

anyway, just wanted to pop in and update about the dr visit. hope everyone is feeling good! fingers crossed for ladies who are waiting!!