well, its back to normal today. lovedove went back to work bright and early, and Sofia and i headed to the RE for the routine day 2 bloods and sono so im officially back on the "actively-ttc" train. got the call that im cleared to start my stimulation medications tonight. 3 gona.ls + 1 re.pronex + 1 oral pill that i cant remember the name of right now. same thing for next 2 nights as well, then back into the office thurs am for bloods and sono.
i feel kind of freaked out because for so long this part of my life seemed so far away. my last insemination was in mid january so its been a longggggg break, but i got through it, and now here we are. im finally back in the saddle and im so ready. ready to try, ready to get pregnant, ready to really do this thing right. my mind is just kind of blown because i felt like this day would never come.
i feel like i had so much i want to say but i cant remember any of it right now. anyway, im sure ill sort my thoughts out and be able to post again soon.
here's to all subcutaneous injections (THANK GOD)! please respond well body, please, please. and please do not respond too well that i wind up with ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.
cant wait to see what a lunatic i turn into as i inject myself daily with shit that is sure to make me even crazier than i already am.
here we go, fingers crossed! (again)
Showing posts with label diabetic ttc. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diabetic ttc. Show all posts
Monday, April 16, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
settling into the new plan
last night was our ivf orientation meeting. luckily for lovedove and i, we google a lot of crap and are pretty informed about the process so there was not that much new information. i liked the woman that presented and the crowd wasn't huge. we were the only same sex couple there but there was also a young woman who we assumed(yes i know what happens when you assume) was there with her mother because they had the same exact face, so she seemed to be the other "non-traditional" participant or whatever. i was certainly the youngest because at 28 who the hell would think you need ivf? im still shocked that this is my best option because i never thought i'd have this much trouble.
it was a 2 hour session which didnt feel too long because this woman provided a ton of information in her presentation and sent us all home with a hard copy so that we didnt feel like we needed to write every little detail down. im a bit intimidated by the packet of consent forms, as there are about a million of them. i havent read any of the ones in the packet yet, but im sure ill have to sign off on the fact that im ready and willing to endure whatever horrible side effects/medical mishaps may come. i love that, reminds me of when we signed the papers that determine who gets Sofia should we both die simultaneously in some freak accident. although the woman did discuss the ART (assisted reproductive technology) boarding pass, which includes the participant deciding what happens to any frozen embryos in the event of her death. we had a very brief conversation about that in the car on the way to dinner afterwards, id want her to use my eggs/embryos, or at least to have the option to do so. she said she'd have no idea if she'd be strong enough to do that, but at least she'd have the option. so morbid, ugh.
i think we left feeling ok overall. we waited around to see if i had been "cleared" yet to begin, and she said she thinks that she just got an email today that i was cleared. once you're cleared you get assigned a nurse who is like your buddy through the whole process. im in (medical provider professional) love with Gail so im crossing my fingers for her. she has known the answer to every question ive ever asked her. i hope that any other nurse who shares her position would be just as good. my other medical provider professional crush is on sharon, i think that was her name. working closely with either of them would make me overjoyed and probably a lot more calm. i should hear from someone by the end of the week.
so i have a ton of phone calls to make today. i have to call my insurance company and figure out what the fuck is up with my injectables coverage, as we have it, but they've never paid for fucking anything. clearly im angry about this. im crossing my fingers that i get on the phone with an intelligent person who can tell me whats up, and im dreading the fact that im pretty sure they are going to say i need to use freedom fertility (my history with them is summed up here). whatever it is, ill have to deal with, so hopefully one way or another i get some answers today.
tomorrow is my appointment with the diabetes in pregnancy center. im assuming, yes i assume kind of often, that they are going to make me repeat my bloods, 24 hour urine, and ekg. i plan on telling them how disappointed i am in the way they've handled my "case" thusfar (can be read here) and im sure ill be calm and polite but get my point across. i actually think im very good at expressing frustration and disappointment in a very professional way. its probably because i work with underachieving (codeword for LAZY) teenagers constantly and ive had terrible bosses in the past. but im not really looking forward to that appointment for any other reason than to be able to check it off of my to-do list, and add whatever tasks they want me to complete. i really work so well off lists. my brain isnt organized enough to make a mental list, i honestly need it on paper. then i actually need to be able to cross stuff off. its a very dumb thing, but i feel like i havent accomplished stuff until i can cross it off a list. the same way that i feel the need to put a slash through each day on my calendars. i feel like thats weird.
anyway, i may as well get going on those phone calls, they aren't going to dial themselves.
oh the last thing i want to address. i think ive had it with the secrecy of this process. what is the point of me trying to hide this from people who are significant to me in day to day life? why should i shield them from the crap that is my infertility struggle? i feel like im only perpetuating society's hush hush crap about personal struggles. i think im going to tell my close coworkers, as they've been asking me whats wrong (when i show up all puffy eyed at 4pm), and tell my mom she can spread the word in the family. im hoping they'll all have and use adequate judgement and wont ask me where im at every other day, i hope im not giving them too much credit. i should probably spell out that ill tell them stuff when i want to/need to, and would rather not have them ask randomly. yea ill probably do that.
im pretty sure that my cousin had some fertility issues but everyone only whispered about it. she/they wound up with fraternal twins, my mind has always wondered about how that happened. if her stuff had been more public, maybe i could have found solace in talking to her through this. i dont want to be another person who's trouble with reproducing is something to be kept quiet. yet again, ill have to advocate for another subgroup of the population that i (involuntarily) belong to. i know that not everyone wants to share their stories all the time, but i think i do, and im ready to break out of my blogging-only-silence.
how have all of you handled this?
it was a 2 hour session which didnt feel too long because this woman provided a ton of information in her presentation and sent us all home with a hard copy so that we didnt feel like we needed to write every little detail down. im a bit intimidated by the packet of consent forms, as there are about a million of them. i havent read any of the ones in the packet yet, but im sure ill have to sign off on the fact that im ready and willing to endure whatever horrible side effects/medical mishaps may come. i love that, reminds me of when we signed the papers that determine who gets Sofia should we both die simultaneously in some freak accident. although the woman did discuss the ART (assisted reproductive technology) boarding pass, which includes the participant deciding what happens to any frozen embryos in the event of her death. we had a very brief conversation about that in the car on the way to dinner afterwards, id want her to use my eggs/embryos, or at least to have the option to do so. she said she'd have no idea if she'd be strong enough to do that, but at least she'd have the option. so morbid, ugh.
i think we left feeling ok overall. we waited around to see if i had been "cleared" yet to begin, and she said she thinks that she just got an email today that i was cleared. once you're cleared you get assigned a nurse who is like your buddy through the whole process. im in (medical provider professional) love with Gail so im crossing my fingers for her. she has known the answer to every question ive ever asked her. i hope that any other nurse who shares her position would be just as good. my other medical provider professional crush is on sharon, i think that was her name. working closely with either of them would make me overjoyed and probably a lot more calm. i should hear from someone by the end of the week.
so i have a ton of phone calls to make today. i have to call my insurance company and figure out what the fuck is up with my injectables coverage, as we have it, but they've never paid for fucking anything. clearly im angry about this. im crossing my fingers that i get on the phone with an intelligent person who can tell me whats up, and im dreading the fact that im pretty sure they are going to say i need to use freedom fertility (my history with them is summed up here). whatever it is, ill have to deal with, so hopefully one way or another i get some answers today.
tomorrow is my appointment with the diabetes in pregnancy center. im assuming, yes i assume kind of often, that they are going to make me repeat my bloods, 24 hour urine, and ekg. i plan on telling them how disappointed i am in the way they've handled my "case" thusfar (can be read here) and im sure ill be calm and polite but get my point across. i actually think im very good at expressing frustration and disappointment in a very professional way. its probably because i work with underachieving (codeword for LAZY) teenagers constantly and ive had terrible bosses in the past. but im not really looking forward to that appointment for any other reason than to be able to check it off of my to-do list, and add whatever tasks they want me to complete. i really work so well off lists. my brain isnt organized enough to make a mental list, i honestly need it on paper. then i actually need to be able to cross stuff off. its a very dumb thing, but i feel like i havent accomplished stuff until i can cross it off a list. the same way that i feel the need to put a slash through each day on my calendars. i feel like thats weird.
anyway, i may as well get going on those phone calls, they aren't going to dial themselves.
oh the last thing i want to address. i think ive had it with the secrecy of this process. what is the point of me trying to hide this from people who are significant to me in day to day life? why should i shield them from the crap that is my infertility struggle? i feel like im only perpetuating society's hush hush crap about personal struggles. i think im going to tell my close coworkers, as they've been asking me whats wrong (when i show up all puffy eyed at 4pm), and tell my mom she can spread the word in the family. im hoping they'll all have and use adequate judgement and wont ask me where im at every other day, i hope im not giving them too much credit. i should probably spell out that ill tell them stuff when i want to/need to, and would rather not have them ask randomly. yea ill probably do that.
im pretty sure that my cousin had some fertility issues but everyone only whispered about it. she/they wound up with fraternal twins, my mind has always wondered about how that happened. if her stuff had been more public, maybe i could have found solace in talking to her through this. i dont want to be another person who's trouble with reproducing is something to be kept quiet. yet again, ill have to advocate for another subgroup of the population that i (involuntarily) belong to. i know that not everyone wants to share their stories all the time, but i think i do, and im ready to break out of my blogging-only-silence.
how have all of you handled this?
Friday, January 27, 2012
moving on and letting go
yesterday's morning of tears, led to a few small bouts of tears throughout the early afternoon, and then i received a call from the PA that i work with frequently at our fertility doctor's office. she understood that we only have one vial of sperm left and inquired if we would be interested in trying IVF. I said that i would do anything to try to make the most of this last vial, as it is really important to me to try to keep our kids related(as plan A, if it doesnt work out, we are not opposed to using other donor sperm, it is just something we'd like to avoid). she set me up with an appointment to meet with the doctor this morning.
i took the trip out to the farther location where the doctor was working today, just Sofia and I. i had debated bringing my mother along for support, but then decided that she would not be able to listen any more intently than i would. shes not good with listening. so i went on my own and Sofia cooperated, thank God. we sat and listened as the doctor told me that he thinks my endometriosis is the problem. he believes the sperm we have is great, and we've done everything right thusfar, but he is unsure if iuis are going to be able to do the trick. so, with that said he suggests we push for ivf. now the issue here is insurance. if insurance covers most of the cost, we do have a tiny bit of money saved up, specifically for family planning. im really hoping they will bc this is what im working with. type 1 diabetes, a thyroid condition, endometriosis, and one blocked fallopian tube. i think that should be enough for them to say yes, right?? so thats what my hopes are resting on, thats the "moving forward" part. at this point we'll just have to wait and see what the insurance company says, which could take a few weeks.
here comes the "letting go" part. i have to let go of the following: frustration with not being able to try to do anything (iui/ivf wise) in february (maybe in hindsight ill be happy i had to take a small forced break?), and the idea that my situation wasn't that bad (as now it seems quite complex).
im working on accepting things for what they are. i need more help than i wanted. this is turning out to be more difficult than i expected. this is our last vial of sperm from Sofia's donor and we may have to do a new donor search.
i guess im just glad we started early. we told a few close friends and our parents know, but im glad i dont have to update everyone i know every time i get a bfn. i dont want people to feel bad for me about the bumps in the road. i believe ill get there somehow. i have my love, we have a magnificent daughter, a snuggle bug of a dog, money in the bank (not lots, but as much as we could put aside), a roof over all of our heads, and fabulous support systems (including the sense of community i have felt since starting to read ttc blogs**). we are very fortunate.
sticking to the fact that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know why at the time. it is what it is. whatever will be will be.
stay tuned for minor gripes, and the ups and downs along the next part of this journey.
**almost completely unrelated, but i was thinking the other day about how many different women blog and turn to forums to reveal their personal details/struggles/etc and it got me thinking. do men blog about anything siginificant(in terms of baby creation, their life struggles, etc, not politics, sports, etc)? i wonder....
i took the trip out to the farther location where the doctor was working today, just Sofia and I. i had debated bringing my mother along for support, but then decided that she would not be able to listen any more intently than i would. shes not good with listening. so i went on my own and Sofia cooperated, thank God. we sat and listened as the doctor told me that he thinks my endometriosis is the problem. he believes the sperm we have is great, and we've done everything right thusfar, but he is unsure if iuis are going to be able to do the trick. so, with that said he suggests we push for ivf. now the issue here is insurance. if insurance covers most of the cost, we do have a tiny bit of money saved up, specifically for family planning. im really hoping they will bc this is what im working with. type 1 diabetes, a thyroid condition, endometriosis, and one blocked fallopian tube. i think that should be enough for them to say yes, right?? so thats what my hopes are resting on, thats the "moving forward" part. at this point we'll just have to wait and see what the insurance company says, which could take a few weeks.
here comes the "letting go" part. i have to let go of the following: frustration with not being able to try to do anything (iui/ivf wise) in february (maybe in hindsight ill be happy i had to take a small forced break?), and the idea that my situation wasn't that bad (as now it seems quite complex).
im working on accepting things for what they are. i need more help than i wanted. this is turning out to be more difficult than i expected. this is our last vial of sperm from Sofia's donor and we may have to do a new donor search.
i guess im just glad we started early. we told a few close friends and our parents know, but im glad i dont have to update everyone i know every time i get a bfn. i dont want people to feel bad for me about the bumps in the road. i believe ill get there somehow. i have my love, we have a magnificent daughter, a snuggle bug of a dog, money in the bank (not lots, but as much as we could put aside), a roof over all of our heads, and fabulous support systems (including the sense of community i have felt since starting to read ttc blogs**). we are very fortunate.
sticking to the fact that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know why at the time. it is what it is. whatever will be will be.
stay tuned for minor gripes, and the ups and downs along the next part of this journey.
**almost completely unrelated, but i was thinking the other day about how many different women blog and turn to forums to reveal their personal details/struggles/etc and it got me thinking. do men blog about anything siginificant(in terms of baby creation, their life struggles, etc, not politics, sports, etc)? i wonder....
Monday, January 23, 2012
9 dpiui/dpo
clearly no news as i am sticking to my word to not test until i'm actually late. my boobs have been sore but they were sore last cycle too, pretty sure its the clomid. the clomid definitely gives me pretend early symptoms like sore boobs, irritability, etc. ive also been eating a ton, but im pretty sure im just eating my stress.
in a week, at this time of day, i may or may not know anything. based on last cycle's extended length, im guessing that if i dont have any spotting by the end of next monday, then i'll test on tuesday with fmu. i truly just feel like its unbelievable how much i (and every other woman ttc) want to be pregnant. some women have absolutely no desire to be birth mothers at all, and for me, there is nothing else in the world that i want more. i've done all i can to get my diabetes under crazy control, i've given in to fate, i know i have no control over anything else, and i know that when everything is right, it will happen. im just so terrible at waiting. our last 2ww seems like a piece of cake compared to this one bc we had family visiting from out of state, holidays to celebrate, etc. this one is just dragging. literally dragging. ug, good thing i have work, and an exciting weekend ahead to get me through the last of it.
this saturday ill be going to see Stick Fly, a new play on Broadway. We're not much of theater goers, but only because we cant afford to be. we love seeing shows and my mother in law bought us tickets for my birthday (2/6). so im really excited about that. speaking of my birthday, my friends are going to be very surprised if i do nothing for my birthday, im usually quite excited about getting a little more tipsy than i should to celebrate my birth. whatever, if this cycle winds up with a bfn, ill just see who is available that friday night and see who wants to throw a couple back, and if i wind up with a bfp (wouldnt that be incredible?!) then ill just say im too tired and i have a cold or some crap like that. really unrealistic for me, but whatever.
so my wife told me yesterday that she thinks im pregnant but has been trying to not say anything to me bc she doesnt want to get our hopes up. when i asked her why she thinks that, she simply said that when she thinks of me lately at work she just feels happy(-happier than usual i guess? i would hope she feels happy when she thinks about me, sheesh). so im going to try to ride that happy little vibe all the way into next week.
keeping my fingers, and toes, and eyes crossed.
in a week, at this time of day, i may or may not know anything. based on last cycle's extended length, im guessing that if i dont have any spotting by the end of next monday, then i'll test on tuesday with fmu. i truly just feel like its unbelievable how much i (and every other woman ttc) want to be pregnant. some women have absolutely no desire to be birth mothers at all, and for me, there is nothing else in the world that i want more. i've done all i can to get my diabetes under crazy control, i've given in to fate, i know i have no control over anything else, and i know that when everything is right, it will happen. im just so terrible at waiting. our last 2ww seems like a piece of cake compared to this one bc we had family visiting from out of state, holidays to celebrate, etc. this one is just dragging. literally dragging. ug, good thing i have work, and an exciting weekend ahead to get me through the last of it.
this saturday ill be going to see Stick Fly, a new play on Broadway. We're not much of theater goers, but only because we cant afford to be. we love seeing shows and my mother in law bought us tickets for my birthday (2/6). so im really excited about that. speaking of my birthday, my friends are going to be very surprised if i do nothing for my birthday, im usually quite excited about getting a little more tipsy than i should to celebrate my birth. whatever, if this cycle winds up with a bfn, ill just see who is available that friday night and see who wants to throw a couple back, and if i wind up with a bfp (wouldnt that be incredible?!) then ill just say im too tired and i have a cold or some crap like that. really unrealistic for me, but whatever.
so my wife told me yesterday that she thinks im pregnant but has been trying to not say anything to me bc she doesnt want to get our hopes up. when i asked her why she thinks that, she simply said that when she thinks of me lately at work she just feels happy(-happier than usual i guess? i would hope she feels happy when she thinks about me, sheesh). so im going to try to ride that happy little vibe all the way into next week.
keeping my fingers, and toes, and eyes crossed.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
3dpiui
so its super early in the game this cycle. pretty much just beginning my 2ww. feelin normal as usual, trying not to think about having to wait to test. ive also decided that I WILL NOT test before im late for my period. ive tortured myself enough in the past 2 cycles. its really unnecessary. especially last time with the faint positives only to wind up not pregnant.
weird thing happened yesterday. my sugar was out of control. and when i say out of control, i mean even for a person who has loose control over their diabetes. i have no idea what the f was up. i went high after breakfast, egg w salsa and yogurt with pineapple. bolused, walked around brooklyn for a bit. still high, did a crapload of insulin and waited 30 minutes before eating my lunch, nothing. still high as a kite. i was high all day until about 9pm. my highest blood sugar yesterday was 371. i havent been over 250 in about 6 months for even one hour, nevermind several hours over 350. i have no idea wtf happened, but my body just would not breakdown the sugars. i was so insulin resistant for all of those hours and i have no idea why. it was so frustrating. luckily the night was fine, no hypos or hypers. just stayed in healthy range. woke up at 83. hoping i stay in range today.
anyway... happily continuing to read other people's success stories. trying to stay optimistic. i keep telling myself that math is on my side this cycle. at this point ive done 5 iuis so if the success rate is approx 20% then i should be in the running more than usual. (im completely aware that is not the way to apply the 20% success rate to multiple iuis, but i dont care). staying positive and getting on with my days.
wishing i knew of other type 1s tcc. we seem to be such a small subgroup. and as ive already stated, im pretty sure im the only lesbian type 1 diabetic tcc(clearly i know im not actually the only one, it just feels like it). im definitely the only one writing about it. wishing more ladies would start sharing their stories.
ill just keep reading everyone's stories anyway.
weird thing happened yesterday. my sugar was out of control. and when i say out of control, i mean even for a person who has loose control over their diabetes. i have no idea what the f was up. i went high after breakfast, egg w salsa and yogurt with pineapple. bolused, walked around brooklyn for a bit. still high, did a crapload of insulin and waited 30 minutes before eating my lunch, nothing. still high as a kite. i was high all day until about 9pm. my highest blood sugar yesterday was 371. i havent been over 250 in about 6 months for even one hour, nevermind several hours over 350. i have no idea wtf happened, but my body just would not breakdown the sugars. i was so insulin resistant for all of those hours and i have no idea why. it was so frustrating. luckily the night was fine, no hypos or hypers. just stayed in healthy range. woke up at 83. hoping i stay in range today.
anyway... happily continuing to read other people's success stories. trying to stay optimistic. i keep telling myself that math is on my side this cycle. at this point ive done 5 iuis so if the success rate is approx 20% then i should be in the running more than usual. (im completely aware that is not the way to apply the 20% success rate to multiple iuis, but i dont care). staying positive and getting on with my days.
wishing i knew of other type 1s tcc. we seem to be such a small subgroup. and as ive already stated, im pretty sure im the only lesbian type 1 diabetic tcc(clearly i know im not actually the only one, it just feels like it). im definitely the only one writing about it. wishing more ladies would start sharing their stories.
ill just keep reading everyone's stories anyway.
Friday, January 13, 2012
my a_s hurts
but only on the right side. that was the side we picked for the hcg (trigger) intramuscular injection. that side got it as a punishment for letting things go wrong with the endometriosis, which caused the blocked right fallopian tube. verall the injection was nearly painless, i almost couldnt believe it. but today, im sure it was done in the right place. my wife was kind enough to give me a kiss before she administered the injection. i think she was more scared that i was. it was a funny ordeal. today i just have some constant but pretty mild soreness.
with that being said, we did our first of two iuis this morning. tomorrow is the next one. really trying to think positive and force fate to coincide with my plans this cycle, but we all know we cant force anything here. with my wife and baby at my side, Gail at Long Island IVF worked her magic again with a speedy insemination. did i mention how much i fell in love with her during our december tries? she did both inseminations and she ran the cold metal speculum under warm water for a few seconds. what a difference!
silly me trying to sit down and type a post while Sofia is up. shes currently emptying her dresser drawers. thank you hunny.
so anyway crossing my fingers and toes that this cycle will be the one. happy friday and happy weekend everyone.
with that being said, we did our first of two iuis this morning. tomorrow is the next one. really trying to think positive and force fate to coincide with my plans this cycle, but we all know we cant force anything here. with my wife and baby at my side, Gail at Long Island IVF worked her magic again with a speedy insemination. did i mention how much i fell in love with her during our december tries? she did both inseminations and she ran the cold metal speculum under warm water for a few seconds. what a difference!
silly me trying to sit down and type a post while Sofia is up. shes currently emptying her dresser drawers. thank you hunny.
so anyway crossing my fingers and toes that this cycle will be the one. happy friday and happy weekend everyone.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
stressed before try #3
you know what they say... 3rd times a charm. (ill have to look up why they say that.) went in for my first morning of bloods and monitoring today, cd 12. took 50 mg clomid days 5-9, same as last time. whats different about this time, is this big long frustrating story.
our insurance has never covered the Ovidrel trigger shot at our local pharmacy. I called my insurance company and asked them which pharmacy i would have to go through in order to have the best chance of them covering it. They told me Freedom Fertility. So I call. The call was great, the woman I spoke to was super nice. Ovidrel, no problem she said. The cost $95 at most, even if the insurance doesn't cover one penny, with FedEx 2 day shipping. Sounds fabulous right? The woman told me if the cost was more than a small copayment, she would call to let me know. Yea, it sounded great. I thought I was getting the shot I am used to (subcutaneous) at a better price, delivered to my door. Nope. Yesterday I finally get the package. When I open my huge FedEx box I'm surprised to see a syringe with a huge needle and 2 vials (which means ill have to mix the sterile water from one vial with the powder in the other and then draw it up into the syringe). Now, lets not forget, I'm an insulin dependent diabetic. I'm not queasy about needles, I have to poke myself multiple times per day despite my CGM and pump requirements a few times per week. So I start reading. The insurance company likes to cover the HCG injection as opposed to Ovidrel. I'm thinking, fine, i have no problem with generics. Then i get to the part where the booklet tells me its an intramuscular injection. This means I'll have to have my wife stab me in the ass with a 2 inch needle. Then i see that my "copayment" was $110. Are you shitting me? My local pharmacy charges me $112. All of this extra step crap, and not what i asked for, to "save" me $2? What a pain in my ass (soon, literally). I'm so pissed. Besides the fact that they never called me to inform me of the higher cost. whatever, thats that. i dont want to think about this anymore.
so now im all nervous because i dont really want to think about what the next step(s) will be if this try is unsuccessful. it seems like the to-do list will be immense in terms of securing more sperm. i just dont even want to think about it. ill just keep reading blogs of people who are/have been successful in their attempts and hope that i get to share my own joy on here soon.
our insurance has never covered the Ovidrel trigger shot at our local pharmacy. I called my insurance company and asked them which pharmacy i would have to go through in order to have the best chance of them covering it. They told me Freedom Fertility. So I call. The call was great, the woman I spoke to was super nice. Ovidrel, no problem she said. The cost $95 at most, even if the insurance doesn't cover one penny, with FedEx 2 day shipping. Sounds fabulous right? The woman told me if the cost was more than a small copayment, she would call to let me know. Yea, it sounded great. I thought I was getting the shot I am used to (subcutaneous) at a better price, delivered to my door. Nope. Yesterday I finally get the package. When I open my huge FedEx box I'm surprised to see a syringe with a huge needle and 2 vials (which means ill have to mix the sterile water from one vial with the powder in the other and then draw it up into the syringe). Now, lets not forget, I'm an insulin dependent diabetic. I'm not queasy about needles, I have to poke myself multiple times per day despite my CGM and pump requirements a few times per week. So I start reading. The insurance company likes to cover the HCG injection as opposed to Ovidrel. I'm thinking, fine, i have no problem with generics. Then i get to the part where the booklet tells me its an intramuscular injection. This means I'll have to have my wife stab me in the ass with a 2 inch needle. Then i see that my "copayment" was $110. Are you shitting me? My local pharmacy charges me $112. All of this extra step crap, and not what i asked for, to "save" me $2? What a pain in my ass (soon, literally). I'm so pissed. Besides the fact that they never called me to inform me of the higher cost. whatever, thats that. i dont want to think about this anymore.
so now im all nervous because i dont really want to think about what the next step(s) will be if this try is unsuccessful. it seems like the to-do list will be immense in terms of securing more sperm. i just dont even want to think about it. ill just keep reading blogs of people who are/have been successful in their attempts and hope that i get to share my own joy on here soon.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
cd 5
here we go, cycle #3, this will be the second clomid cycle. this will be the last cycle where we have 2 readily available vials of sperm. if we are unsuccessful in this cycle, which i dont even want to think about, we will only have one vial left of our sperm donor. i think my next option would be to contact the sperm bank to see if they have any on reserve for families who have already conceived with a particular donor, or if they might be able to contact the donor to see if he would be willing to donate additional sperm. that seems like such a headache. i really hope that we dont get to that point. i would love for this to be our successful cycle. you know what they say, third times a charm, right?
so i went in this morning to have my bloods drawn and to have another endovaginal sonogram. i was thrilled because i was concerned that the clomid would cause me to develop unwanted cysts, given my endometriosis, i was really fearful that any medication that had the potential to mess me up, would. im very thankful that it hasnt at this point. i will be taking 50mg of clomid for the next 5 days, and filling my ovidrel prescription once again. for some reason my wonderful, and i do mean wonderful, insurance coverage always refuses to cover it even though i have a pica card that is supposed to specifically cover injectables. whatever. its just so crazy. i have great insurance, but with all of the copays, this process really adds up.
anyway, getting the "baby" who is now 16 months old, baptized on sunday at the church that we love. hooray. happy and healthy new year to everyone.
so i went in this morning to have my bloods drawn and to have another endovaginal sonogram. i was thrilled because i was concerned that the clomid would cause me to develop unwanted cysts, given my endometriosis, i was really fearful that any medication that had the potential to mess me up, would. im very thankful that it hasnt at this point. i will be taking 50mg of clomid for the next 5 days, and filling my ovidrel prescription once again. for some reason my wonderful, and i do mean wonderful, insurance coverage always refuses to cover it even though i have a pica card that is supposed to specifically cover injectables. whatever. its just so crazy. i have great insurance, but with all of the copays, this process really adds up.
anyway, getting the "baby" who is now 16 months old, baptized on sunday at the church that we love. hooray. happy and healthy new year to everyone.
Friday, December 30, 2011
16dpo
Well, here i am at 16 dpo, cd 30, the longest cycle ive ever had, and im not sure where we're at. I had a lot of what i think are false early prego symptoms, which i attributed to the clomid side effects. then on 13dpo i took a first response early pregancy test. i got a faint positive. and when i say faint, i mean faint. so instead of it being a BFP(big fat positive) like i was hoping for, for me it qualitifed as a TFP= tiny faint positive. so unsteadily i got my hopes a little up, hoping that all of the hcg from my ovidrel injection was out of my system and we were really on our way to success. patiently i waited until the next morning (14dpo) to test again. this time i used a cvs brand early pregancy test. again a TFP. in my head i thought, ok, 2 for 2 this is good. later that day i started to spot some, with mild cramping, and i thought, oh shit its over again. (warning: next sentence may contain tmi) well, i've been spotting for the last 2 days nothing bright red, mostly shades of brown, some pink. im well aware that this could be the start of my period. im also aware that im a day late because the clomid can extend the length of your cycle.
my brain has been running around in circles for days about whether i had a chemical pregnancy, categorized as a miscarriage within the first 5 weeks, often identified by faint positives on early pregnancy tests by women ttc, or if the hcg from the trigger shot is still in my system, or if i could actually be pregnant this time around. so i scheduled and went in for a blood test this morning. the rational side of my brain says, no of course not. you're period is just taking longer to actually start due to the clomid. and my heart is saying, just hold on to some hope, everyone's pregnancy is different, some women spot and cramp for weeks.
well, no more wondering. just got the call from my doctor's office. its a no go this cycle. as sad as i am im just glad to have an answer. again.
its just a really hard process for my wife and i. i mean clearly, of course it is. and i really struggle when i get into my self pity mode when its an unsuccessful cycle. i know there are women who have it wayyyyy worse than i do, and im thankful that my situation isn't as bleak as some other women. but its just hard when i feel like my body is the problem. with the diabetes, and the thyroid condition, and the blocked tube, and the endometriosis. even though everything is well controlled its hard to feel like the problem isnt with me. i know this sperm can get people pregnant, thats how we got our little Sofia. we know these doctors have this down to a science. i just need some luck.
and ill keep waiting on my luck, and our baby, because i know until the right baby is ready for us, there will be no baby.
so guess who'll be drunk this new year... :o/
hoping that 2012 brings a load of health and happiness my way, and everyone else's way too.
see ya 2011, good riddance.
my brain has been running around in circles for days about whether i had a chemical pregnancy, categorized as a miscarriage within the first 5 weeks, often identified by faint positives on early pregnancy tests by women ttc, or if the hcg from the trigger shot is still in my system, or if i could actually be pregnant this time around. so i scheduled and went in for a blood test this morning. the rational side of my brain says, no of course not. you're period is just taking longer to actually start due to the clomid. and my heart is saying, just hold on to some hope, everyone's pregnancy is different, some women spot and cramp for weeks.
well, no more wondering. just got the call from my doctor's office. its a no go this cycle. as sad as i am im just glad to have an answer. again.
its just a really hard process for my wife and i. i mean clearly, of course it is. and i really struggle when i get into my self pity mode when its an unsuccessful cycle. i know there are women who have it wayyyyy worse than i do, and im thankful that my situation isn't as bleak as some other women. but its just hard when i feel like my body is the problem. with the diabetes, and the thyroid condition, and the blocked tube, and the endometriosis. even though everything is well controlled its hard to feel like the problem isnt with me. i know this sperm can get people pregnant, thats how we got our little Sofia. we know these doctors have this down to a science. i just need some luck.
and ill keep waiting on my luck, and our baby, because i know until the right baby is ready for us, there will be no baby.
so guess who'll be drunk this new year... :o/
hoping that 2012 brings a load of health and happiness my way, and everyone else's way too.
see ya 2011, good riddance.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
officially in the 2ww
yesterday morning i had my second iui and unfortunately, none of the family was available to accompany me to the insemination (i feel like there is a very fine line between going to something like that alone and feeling empowered/independent, and feeling lonely). i just took Sofia who managed to keep me quite busy and challenged through the 45 minute wait for the thaw, but when it came down to procedure time, she sat in her stroller like a champ, downed a bottle, and slowly but surely threw everything i had left on her lap to busy her to the floor. whatever. i was happy (but not surprised) that she was good , and i was pretty relaxed. between just laying still and trying not to think, and talking to her to keep her happy, i felt calm. that really really is my goal this time around. just stay calm. theres no point in getting all worked up until we know where we're at. and we wont know anything until 2 weeks from now. who created this system? there should definitely be a faster way to find out lol. without a doubt ill be busy, baking xmas cookies, wrapping all of the presents, putting together sofia's kitchen for xmas morning (!! we're so excited to be santa :oD), and running around town, but geez i feel like this is going to be a long one.
maybe ill try to crochet sofia a new winter hat. she already has a million of them, but a home-made one by momma would be sweet too no? my mother just bought her a hat crocheted specifically to fit her little head, that looks like a lamb. its really really cute. i should take a picture and get it on here. its really cute, and i wish that i had the drive + time to learn how to crochet that well and make a business out of it. maybe one day....
anyway, im off to do dishes as usual. crossing my fingers that the next two weeks goes by very quickly (although i dont want to rush through the xmas season, i friggin love xmas) and that i get the answer i want this time.
happy holidays to all!!
maybe ill try to crochet sofia a new winter hat. she already has a million of them, but a home-made one by momma would be sweet too no? my mother just bought her a hat crocheted specifically to fit her little head, that looks like a lamb. its really really cute. i should take a picture and get it on here. its really cute, and i wish that i had the drive + time to learn how to crochet that well and make a business out of it. maybe one day....
anyway, im off to do dishes as usual. crossing my fingers that the next two weeks goes by very quickly (although i dont want to rush through the xmas season, i friggin love xmas) and that i get the answer i want this time.
happy holidays to all!!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
clomid and ovidrel and (iui)s, oh my!
well. today is technically cd 13, but other than that not sure what to call today. i had done my day 10 + 11 bloods and ultrasounds on sat and sunday, and they called early sunday afternoon (while i was tailgating at the Jets game)to tell me i should come in tomorrow morning for my first iui. usually i would be thrilled and just say "yes maam, what time should i be in" however, monday dec 12 was to be a more significant day. i officially finished the adoption of our daugther yesterday. now i am legally her mother absolutely everywhere we will ever go. im so relieved to have this process over with. but you can imagine my panic when they called me. im in the middle of drinking a beer, in a crowded parking lot, with music blaring and people yelling and playing football, and me standing as far as possible from everyone trying to figure out how this was going to work. i asked if i could come in later than the 730-800am window the woman gave me bc our court appearance was scheduled for 9am. she said " no dont worry, just do the ovidrel shot in the evening on the 12th, and come in on the 13th for your first iui". of course this wasnt good enough for me bc i was not familiar with the woman who i was speaking to. i called back and asked to speak with one of the PA's who had done my iui in october and who had done my 2 sonograms over the weekend. she is one of the sweetest, calmest, nicest people i have ever met and she put my worries to rest. so i agreed to the original plan. and with that i grabbed another beer lol.
so this morning, with my mother and my daughter in tow, we headed out to long island ivf. i had brought my mom to just watch the baby while i had my procedure done. i wanted the baby there, kind of for luck, but kind of as a way of having my wife there with me. she was unable to take the day off and i just needed a part of her there. so once the procedure was done and i was giving myself 5 minutes to relax i kind of did just that. i relaxed. i didnt feel sad that my wife wasnt there (although clearly i would prefer her to be there) and i didnt do much of anything. i didnt do much visualization. i did some deep breathing. i thought of how much i am in love with my family as it is right now, and how wonderful it would be to be able to bring another bundle of joy into our lives. and then, honestly, i just imagined myself lying on my back in the grass, in the park, in the middle of a brisk spring time afternoon (just as the light panels above suggested). i felt at peace. i was so much calmer this morning than i was in october. as devastating as a failure would be, im so much less scared of it this time because ive been through it already. sure it would suck, but at least we have more sperm. i've been really working on letting go of any false sense of control that i thought was possible to have in this situation and for now i feel peaceful, which is a huge surprise to me. but im happy to be feeling this way. and im hopeful. and tomorrow i get to go in for a 2nd iui because none of the follicles had burst yet. going back tomorrow will jst remind me of my wife's successful one and only iui attempt bc she was also inseminated twice, in december, just two years ago.
so on we go, on to an alcohol-free holiday season (hopefully, but if not ill know by new years whether or not im in the clear for "some" champagne).
ill keep my fingers crossed and a smile on my face and in my heart, and if its meant to be this time, then its meant to be. and if not, ill just keep on going with my family by my side.
who doesnt love a roller coaster ride once in a while?
so this morning, with my mother and my daughter in tow, we headed out to long island ivf. i had brought my mom to just watch the baby while i had my procedure done. i wanted the baby there, kind of for luck, but kind of as a way of having my wife there with me. she was unable to take the day off and i just needed a part of her there. so once the procedure was done and i was giving myself 5 minutes to relax i kind of did just that. i relaxed. i didnt feel sad that my wife wasnt there (although clearly i would prefer her to be there) and i didnt do much of anything. i didnt do much visualization. i did some deep breathing. i thought of how much i am in love with my family as it is right now, and how wonderful it would be to be able to bring another bundle of joy into our lives. and then, honestly, i just imagined myself lying on my back in the grass, in the park, in the middle of a brisk spring time afternoon (just as the light panels above suggested). i felt at peace. i was so much calmer this morning than i was in october. as devastating as a failure would be, im so much less scared of it this time because ive been through it already. sure it would suck, but at least we have more sperm. i've been really working on letting go of any false sense of control that i thought was possible to have in this situation and for now i feel peaceful, which is a huge surprise to me. but im happy to be feeling this way. and im hopeful. and tomorrow i get to go in for a 2nd iui because none of the follicles had burst yet. going back tomorrow will jst remind me of my wife's successful one and only iui attempt bc she was also inseminated twice, in december, just two years ago.
so on we go, on to an alcohol-free holiday season (hopefully, but if not ill know by new years whether or not im in the clear for "some" champagne).
ill keep my fingers crossed and a smile on my face and in my heart, and if its meant to be this time, then its meant to be. and if not, ill just keep on going with my family by my side.
who doesnt love a roller coaster ride once in a while?
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
the (2nd attempt at what we think is the) beginning of cycle 2
well, we made it to december. today is cd 6, and i began my 5 days of clomid yesterday. ive really been working on letting go of any notion that i have any control in this situation. im just trying to convince my brain, that when our next baby is ready to come to us, then thats when we'll be successful. its just so hard because everything we're doing would usually imply otherwise. we opted to go the doctor route because they do this everyday, so that makes you think you'll be luckier faster, but no matter how well everything goes, there is still the element of luck. they can monitor my bloods and give me as many sonograms as they like, but none of that will change the fact that my luck/or lack there-of will be the deciding factor in how long this process takes.
part of me feels really dumb ranting about how "long" this is taking, bc clearly i've only had one actual attempt at this, but this is something ive been planning, and actively preparing for, since last april. i was finally approved for the cgm and received that in april. my a1c has plummeted since then. I believe when i got the cgm my a1c was 7.1 or 7.2, but clearly i wasnt being that strict with myself at that point. and at first it seemed like such a big deal to be on top of my numbers all the time and work on timing my insulin, but its really not that hard. which is always what everyone says. when you first start its such a chore, but once you're in the habit, you dont even really think about it anymore. so im glad im at that point now. although, (here comes my one rant not related to pre-/pregnancy) i currently use the omnipod insulin pump. the pdm (handheld remote kind of thing) has a freestyle meter integrated into it. freestyle has been working closely with omnipod to develop a new testing strip, and they have, but it has not been fda approved (the strip story). despite the fact that it was not fda approved they started distributing it, and people started using it. myself included. no issues with it, it works just fine if not better than the old strip. ive been using it for, oh id say 3-4 months. all of a sudden its a big deal that it has not been fda approved. so my medical providers were unable to ship my normal supply. the solution: send me a new non integrated meter. fine. im thankful that i have great insurance and my health is taken care of and they make sure i have everything that i need. but now im carrying 3 devices. its a little excessive. im hoping that they get their clearance soon so that i can go back to my normal 2 devices. its just so much to carry with me everywhere i go, and although i do have a little make-up case kind of thing that i've used to organize all of my on-the-go supplies, its still huge. whatever, ive never been a little bag kind of person. its no big deal, just something that took me by surprise. can you imagine how many people used to rely on a freestyle meter and now have to learn something new? i mean, hey, no big deal for the youngins, but the geriatrics, oh boy, they're not going to be happy.
oh, back to pre-preggers ish. so my wife and i have totally noticed how much my mood is affected as soon as i start back in the monitoring process. after some thought, i've realized that i have been looking at our pregnancy situations much too individually. when she got pregnant, we got pregnant. even though it was her body it was our baby. and thats how i need to look at this. because apparently ive been putting up a wall, so much so that its almost visible, because i have so much anger about my medical complications. im hardly even mad about my diabetes, its the cyst stuff, the blocked tube, etc. i know that so many women have it so much tougher, and who knows, i could have it that bad too and we just dont know it yet, but im kind of mad about it. we just have so many obtacles in general. but i totally take my anger out on her and its so apparent that even i can see it now. so im working on that. im working on accepting things are what they are, and managing my anger about my fertility hurdles.
ok, lastly the best news ive gotten in a while. my adoption of our daughter is almost complete after a nearly 2 year process. we got a recommendation for a lawyer from a friend, and decided to use her due to the referral and her prices were a bit more moderate than others we'd known of. long story short, she was not the most professional and did a very poor job with the timing of everything (clearly the process should not take 2 years from start to finish. we had contacted her in feb of 2010 when my wife was only a few months along). shes lucky i didnt have her address, i swear i would have gone to her home and stalked her. she made me furious the whole time. however, we're almost at the end. she emailed yesterday to say that our court date is on monday, dec 12. of course that will be cd 12 and all three of us are required to attend. which means if we're able to do an insemination this month, ill be flying solo. already asked my mom to accompany me to the visit, and to watch the baby (in the waiting area) while it all happens but it will definitely be difficult. but we really have no choice. its just the way her job is. so im trying to just prep myself for that. ill bring pictures and my ipod and get myself in good mood. i know what will be will be and this is just the way it works out this month. no one ever said that this process would be easy or convenient, right?
anyway, i feel better after getting all of this out. and sofia's lullabies and my typing has lulled her off into nappy-land. now if only i can get the dishes done while she's asleep....
part of me feels really dumb ranting about how "long" this is taking, bc clearly i've only had one actual attempt at this, but this is something ive been planning, and actively preparing for, since last april. i was finally approved for the cgm and received that in april. my a1c has plummeted since then. I believe when i got the cgm my a1c was 7.1 or 7.2, but clearly i wasnt being that strict with myself at that point. and at first it seemed like such a big deal to be on top of my numbers all the time and work on timing my insulin, but its really not that hard. which is always what everyone says. when you first start its such a chore, but once you're in the habit, you dont even really think about it anymore. so im glad im at that point now. although, (here comes my one rant not related to pre-/pregnancy) i currently use the omnipod insulin pump. the pdm (handheld remote kind of thing) has a freestyle meter integrated into it. freestyle has been working closely with omnipod to develop a new testing strip, and they have, but it has not been fda approved (the strip story). despite the fact that it was not fda approved they started distributing it, and people started using it. myself included. no issues with it, it works just fine if not better than the old strip. ive been using it for, oh id say 3-4 months. all of a sudden its a big deal that it has not been fda approved. so my medical providers were unable to ship my normal supply. the solution: send me a new non integrated meter. fine. im thankful that i have great insurance and my health is taken care of and they make sure i have everything that i need. but now im carrying 3 devices. its a little excessive. im hoping that they get their clearance soon so that i can go back to my normal 2 devices. its just so much to carry with me everywhere i go, and although i do have a little make-up case kind of thing that i've used to organize all of my on-the-go supplies, its still huge. whatever, ive never been a little bag kind of person. its no big deal, just something that took me by surprise. can you imagine how many people used to rely on a freestyle meter and now have to learn something new? i mean, hey, no big deal for the youngins, but the geriatrics, oh boy, they're not going to be happy.
oh, back to pre-preggers ish. so my wife and i have totally noticed how much my mood is affected as soon as i start back in the monitoring process. after some thought, i've realized that i have been looking at our pregnancy situations much too individually. when she got pregnant, we got pregnant. even though it was her body it was our baby. and thats how i need to look at this. because apparently ive been putting up a wall, so much so that its almost visible, because i have so much anger about my medical complications. im hardly even mad about my diabetes, its the cyst stuff, the blocked tube, etc. i know that so many women have it so much tougher, and who knows, i could have it that bad too and we just dont know it yet, but im kind of mad about it. we just have so many obtacles in general. but i totally take my anger out on her and its so apparent that even i can see it now. so im working on that. im working on accepting things are what they are, and managing my anger about my fertility hurdles.
ok, lastly the best news ive gotten in a while. my adoption of our daughter is almost complete after a nearly 2 year process. we got a recommendation for a lawyer from a friend, and decided to use her due to the referral and her prices were a bit more moderate than others we'd known of. long story short, she was not the most professional and did a very poor job with the timing of everything (clearly the process should not take 2 years from start to finish. we had contacted her in feb of 2010 when my wife was only a few months along). shes lucky i didnt have her address, i swear i would have gone to her home and stalked her. she made me furious the whole time. however, we're almost at the end. she emailed yesterday to say that our court date is on monday, dec 12. of course that will be cd 12 and all three of us are required to attend. which means if we're able to do an insemination this month, ill be flying solo. already asked my mom to accompany me to the visit, and to watch the baby (in the waiting area) while it all happens but it will definitely be difficult. but we really have no choice. its just the way her job is. so im trying to just prep myself for that. ill bring pictures and my ipod and get myself in good mood. i know what will be will be and this is just the way it works out this month. no one ever said that this process would be easy or convenient, right?
anyway, i feel better after getting all of this out. and sofia's lullabies and my typing has lulled her off into nappy-land. now if only i can get the dishes done while she's asleep....
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
is november over yet?
so things have been very uneventful lately. just waiting to get my period so that i can call the doctor and get started on the clomid. its been a very long wait this month. we've been busy, and Thanksgiving was wonderful and entertaining and drunken. our guests were wonderful, Sofia was wonderful, and Disa was wonderful. not much more could have gone right, except for us forgetting to cook and put out the corn (my dad and i love to mix it into my mashed potatoes). a very minor detail, that i dont think anyone noticed.
Sofia has been hysterical and getting even smarter lately. She makes our days exciting and this whole process do-able for me i think. shes not even 15 months old yet, and if we give her something to throw in the garbage, she does it on command. i feel like she understands what we say to her. shes a really good baby, but oh my, is she going to be a tantrum-ie kid. shes very determined and stubborn. when she doesn't get her way, its not pretty. hoping we can find a way to mellow them out before they get too bad as she grows. but truly, shes fabulous.
december is filling up with events already. we have a church event, a gathering of lesbian friends who want to become parents (we're kind of putting on a workshop for them with another set of lesbian parents, sharing our stories and info) a friendly xmas party, a birthday, and xmas already on the calendar. i just want to get my period so we can get started again.
i know ive said it before but this cycle is the cycle that my wife got pregnant when she was successful. so we're kind of hoping that luck is on our side in December the way it was last time. this would keep baby's birthday in the summer time, allowing my wife to have uninterrupted time with baby when he/she arrives. this was the last possible conception date in our original (sept '11-dec '11) "window". that "window" went out the window when we learned how many obstacles I was facing.
so here's to hoping that these next few days go fast, I get my period on time and not late (funny ill be singing a different tune next month), and it starts to feel like xmas soon. a lot of people have their decorations up already, but its so warm out. its like 65 degrees today in ny, wtf?! i need some cold, and i need it to be December to be in the xmas spirit. but we're almost there. but almost doesnt count.
Sofia has been hysterical and getting even smarter lately. She makes our days exciting and this whole process do-able for me i think. shes not even 15 months old yet, and if we give her something to throw in the garbage, she does it on command. i feel like she understands what we say to her. shes a really good baby, but oh my, is she going to be a tantrum-ie kid. shes very determined and stubborn. when she doesn't get her way, its not pretty. hoping we can find a way to mellow them out before they get too bad as she grows. but truly, shes fabulous.
december is filling up with events already. we have a church event, a gathering of lesbian friends who want to become parents (we're kind of putting on a workshop for them with another set of lesbian parents, sharing our stories and info) a friendly xmas party, a birthday, and xmas already on the calendar. i just want to get my period so we can get started again.
i know ive said it before but this cycle is the cycle that my wife got pregnant when she was successful. so we're kind of hoping that luck is on our side in December the way it was last time. this would keep baby's birthday in the summer time, allowing my wife to have uninterrupted time with baby when he/she arrives. this was the last possible conception date in our original (sept '11-dec '11) "window". that "window" went out the window when we learned how many obstacles I was facing.
so here's to hoping that these next few days go fast, I get my period on time and not late (funny ill be singing a different tune next month), and it starts to feel like xmas soon. a lot of people have their decorations up already, but its so warm out. its like 65 degrees today in ny, wtf?! i need some cold, and i need it to be December to be in the xmas spirit. but we're almost there. but almost doesnt count.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
no such luck
well, we had opted for another month of a natural cycle for november. we really had no intention of utilizing fertility drugs, but it looks like its our next option. i was curious (and hopeful) to see if the cyst that had been on my ovary had damaged my right ovary badly enough that I would only produce mature follicles/ovulate from my left side. this natural cycle has proved that this is not the case. hence, this month is shot. thanks to my CD 11 & 12 endovaginal sonograms, we were able to see that the follicle on my right side (blocked fallopian tube side) was almost twice the size of the follicle on my left side. so with minimal chance of my left fallopian tube picking up the mature follicle from my right side, and my decision to not "waste" the sperm on a very small chance of success based on the circumstances, we're skipping November. this is absolutely the last thing we wanted to do because this is the last month in our original "window"/timeframe.
we're both crushed, but I'm a little more at ease. I feel like this month long break will give me the time i need to really get into a positive head space, not that hosting Thanksgiving for 16 helps. mind you we have a 2 bedroom apartment and the living space is not the largest. we've hosted for the last 5 years and this will be our 6th time. oh and since we have a 14-month old, we're completely behind schedule this year and .. yea.. completely unprepared at this point. oh well, we'll pull it together, we always do.
so we've decided that I'm going to go on Clomid for the December cycle in the hopes that i will have a greater chance of developing a mature follicle on the left side. the doctor said they like to do Clomid for three months straight, and if there isn't any success in that time period, they like to sit down at the end of that three months and talk about more aggressive options. i sure hope im pregnant in 3 months because I dont know how much longer I can do this. i mean ill do it as long as i have to, but this blows emotionally. i have no idea how women who have been ttc for years do this. im simply not cut out for this.
i had asked my PA about Clomid earlier this month, but I think i was scared away. im petrified of the idea of multiples, especially because my mother is a twin (fraternal), but it seems that Clomid only has a chance of twins in 5-10% of cases, and thats with the woman having two fully functional fallopian tubes. so my fears are pretty much eased there. my other fear was that ill produce too many follicles and then we'll have to skip the month to avoid multiples, which would defeat the purpose of taking the Clomid. but at this point, having to skip this month and waste time, we feel like these are risks we need to take, but i have so many thoughts/emotions about all of this. am i being too impatient? am i pushing my luck? should i not be looking to fertility meds already? ive only been through one cycle thusfar, but i just want this so badly, like yesterday. my clock has been ticking loud and clear since my wife gave birth to our daugther. i want to do this, now.
so hopefully the next few weeks fly. and then, just about 2 weeks before christmas, we can try again. funny sidenote, my wife got pregnant from her december insemination in 2009. my insemination date is a week after hers (or so it seems by my Fertility Friend mobile app) and since they usually deliver babies of diabetic women 2 weeks prior to the 40 week due date, if we were successful our babies would have birthdays one week apart. i would love that because that would mean only one joint birthday party to plan a year.
fingers crossed, yet again, that time flies, and we're successful soon. happy holidays!
we're both crushed, but I'm a little more at ease. I feel like this month long break will give me the time i need to really get into a positive head space, not that hosting Thanksgiving for 16 helps. mind you we have a 2 bedroom apartment and the living space is not the largest. we've hosted for the last 5 years and this will be our 6th time. oh and since we have a 14-month old, we're completely behind schedule this year and .. yea.. completely unprepared at this point. oh well, we'll pull it together, we always do.
so we've decided that I'm going to go on Clomid for the December cycle in the hopes that i will have a greater chance of developing a mature follicle on the left side. the doctor said they like to do Clomid for three months straight, and if there isn't any success in that time period, they like to sit down at the end of that three months and talk about more aggressive options. i sure hope im pregnant in 3 months because I dont know how much longer I can do this. i mean ill do it as long as i have to, but this blows emotionally. i have no idea how women who have been ttc for years do this. im simply not cut out for this.
i had asked my PA about Clomid earlier this month, but I think i was scared away. im petrified of the idea of multiples, especially because my mother is a twin (fraternal), but it seems that Clomid only has a chance of twins in 5-10% of cases, and thats with the woman having two fully functional fallopian tubes. so my fears are pretty much eased there. my other fear was that ill produce too many follicles and then we'll have to skip the month to avoid multiples, which would defeat the purpose of taking the Clomid. but at this point, having to skip this month and waste time, we feel like these are risks we need to take, but i have so many thoughts/emotions about all of this. am i being too impatient? am i pushing my luck? should i not be looking to fertility meds already? ive only been through one cycle thusfar, but i just want this so badly, like yesterday. my clock has been ticking loud and clear since my wife gave birth to our daugther. i want to do this, now.
so hopefully the next few weeks fly. and then, just about 2 weeks before christmas, we can try again. funny sidenote, my wife got pregnant from her december insemination in 2009. my insemination date is a week after hers (or so it seems by my Fertility Friend mobile app) and since they usually deliver babies of diabetic women 2 weeks prior to the 40 week due date, if we were successful our babies would have birthdays one week apart. i would love that because that would mean only one joint birthday party to plan a year.
fingers crossed, yet again, that time flies, and we're successful soon. happy holidays!
Friday, October 21, 2011
actively TTC
cant believe im here already.....sooooo... yesterday I had my first IUI. the doctors had called on weds (2 days ago) to say that my bloods showed that my LH was surging on its own and I didnt need to do the ovidrel injection. they made my appointment for 8am yesterday morning.
arrived on time and signed in. in a few minutes was called in to verify the number on the vial of sperm they were going to thaw. 20-25 minute wait for the thaw. then off to room #1 to empty my bladder and undress from the waist down. ive heard that so often lately lol.
within a few minutes a polite knock on the door from the PA who would do the insemination. luckily it was the woman we liked who had done my wife's insemination the first time. she was so lovely. explained everything that she was going to do. so nice. so friendly. made the experience wonderful. or as wonderful as a cold metal speculum can be lol. for me that was the worst part. barely felt anything else. she told me i had a good amount of CM which sounded like a good thing. she explained the process for insemination and she was done in less than 2 minutes. super fast!
when she left the room, i laid on the table and my wife held my hand. we both were pretty emotional. so much at stake, odds of success 20% at best which isnt bad, but a hard reality to acknowledge, not sure what the next steps will be if we're unsuccessful with this attempt. will i ovulate on the correct (left) side next month? should i have the procedure done to open my right fallopian tube to increase my chances/be able to try more often? really trying to keep all of these questions out of my head but id be a liar if i said they weren't there.
so now im just trying to be relaxed. called in the troops, one of her Grandmas, to come over and play so that I can just relax a bit. the nice insemination lady had said that if it was possible to take it easy and not lift my 20+ lb infant for the next 36-48 hours it might be beneficial. so just going to try to take it easy today. going to try not to stalk too many ttc websites that list the earliest possible pregnancy symptoms. although i kind of have a hard time relating to those bc i know exactly when i got inseminated. at this point im 2dpo(days past ovulation) but I only got inseminated yesterday. so im hoping to feel some twinges or slight senstion in the next two days and im hoping that will mean the hopefully fertilized egg will implant itself. im thinking positive, but i feel like if i put it in writing on here ill somehow jinx myself.
ive worked hard to get here. my body is ready. my mind is ready, and i deserve this.
we've got a busy weekend planned and i better find a way to fill my non-work hours next week. dont think ill be able to test until 10/30 with an ept (early pregnancy test) so have to stay busy!
hoping for symptoms and success!
arrived on time and signed in. in a few minutes was called in to verify the number on the vial of sperm they were going to thaw. 20-25 minute wait for the thaw. then off to room #1 to empty my bladder and undress from the waist down. ive heard that so often lately lol.
within a few minutes a polite knock on the door from the PA who would do the insemination. luckily it was the woman we liked who had done my wife's insemination the first time. she was so lovely. explained everything that she was going to do. so nice. so friendly. made the experience wonderful. or as wonderful as a cold metal speculum can be lol. for me that was the worst part. barely felt anything else. she told me i had a good amount of CM which sounded like a good thing. she explained the process for insemination and she was done in less than 2 minutes. super fast!
when she left the room, i laid on the table and my wife held my hand. we both were pretty emotional. so much at stake, odds of success 20% at best which isnt bad, but a hard reality to acknowledge, not sure what the next steps will be if we're unsuccessful with this attempt. will i ovulate on the correct (left) side next month? should i have the procedure done to open my right fallopian tube to increase my chances/be able to try more often? really trying to keep all of these questions out of my head but id be a liar if i said they weren't there.
so now im just trying to be relaxed. called in the troops, one of her Grandmas, to come over and play so that I can just relax a bit. the nice insemination lady had said that if it was possible to take it easy and not lift my 20+ lb infant for the next 36-48 hours it might be beneficial. so just going to try to take it easy today. going to try not to stalk too many ttc websites that list the earliest possible pregnancy symptoms. although i kind of have a hard time relating to those bc i know exactly when i got inseminated. at this point im 2dpo(days past ovulation) but I only got inseminated yesterday. so im hoping to feel some twinges or slight senstion in the next two days and im hoping that will mean the hopefully fertilized egg will implant itself. im thinking positive, but i feel like if i put it in writing on here ill somehow jinx myself.
ive worked hard to get here. my body is ready. my mind is ready, and i deserve this.
we've got a busy weekend planned and i better find a way to fill my non-work hours next week. dont think ill be able to test until 10/30 with an ept (early pregnancy test) so have to stay busy!
hoping for symptoms and success!
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