stressed before try #3

you know what they say... 3rd times a charm. (ill have to look up why they say that.) went in for my first morning of bloods and monitoring today, cd 12. took 50 mg clomid days 5-9, same as last time. whats different about this time, is this big long frustrating story.

our insurance has never covered the Ovidrel trigger shot at our local pharmacy. I called my insurance company and asked them which pharmacy i would have to go through in order to have the best chance of them covering it. They told me Freedom Fertility. So I call. The call was great, the woman I spoke to was super nice. Ovidrel, no problem she said. The cost $95 at most, even if the insurance doesn't cover one penny, with FedEx 2 day shipping. Sounds fabulous right? The woman told me if the cost was more than a small copayment, she would call to let me know. Yea, it sounded great. I thought I was getting the shot I am used to (subcutaneous) at a better price, delivered to my door. Nope. Yesterday I finally get the package. When I open my huge FedEx box I'm surprised to see a syringe with a huge needle and 2 vials (which means ill have to mix the sterile water from one vial with the powder in the other and then draw it up into the syringe). Now, lets not forget, I'm an insulin dependent diabetic. I'm not queasy about needles, I have to poke myself multiple times per day despite my CGM and pump requirements a few times per week. So I start reading. The insurance company likes to cover the HCG injection as opposed to Ovidrel. I'm thinking, fine, i have no problem with generics. Then i get to the part where the booklet tells me its an intramuscular injection. This means I'll have to have my wife stab me in the ass with a 2 inch needle. Then i see that my "copayment" was $110. Are you shitting me? My local pharmacy charges me $112. All of this extra step crap, and not what i asked for, to "save" me $2? What a pain in my ass (soon, literally). I'm so pissed. Besides the fact that they never called me to inform me of the higher cost. whatever, thats that. i dont want to think about this anymore.

so now im all nervous because i dont really want to think about what the next step(s) will be if this try is unsuccessful. it seems like the to-do list will be immense in terms of securing more sperm. i just dont even want to think about it. ill just keep reading blogs of people who are/have been successful in their attempts and hope that i get to share my own joy on here soon.

cd 5

here we go, cycle #3, this will be the second clomid cycle. this will be the last cycle where we have 2 readily available vials of sperm. if we are unsuccessful in this cycle, which i dont even want to think about, we will only have one vial left of our sperm donor. i think my next option would be to contact the sperm bank to see if they have any on reserve for families who have already conceived with a particular donor, or if they might be able to contact the donor to see if he would be willing to donate additional sperm. that seems like such a headache. i really hope that we dont get to that point. i would love for this to be our successful cycle. you know what they say, third times a charm, right?

so i went in this morning to have my bloods drawn and to have another endovaginal sonogram. i was thrilled because i was concerned that the clomid would cause me to develop unwanted cysts, given my endometriosis, i was really fearful that any medication that had the potential to mess me up, would. im very thankful that it hasnt at this point. i will be taking 50mg of clomid for the next 5 days, and filling my ovidrel prescription once again. for some reason my wonderful, and i do mean wonderful, insurance coverage always refuses to cover it even though i have a pica card that is supposed to specifically cover injectables. whatever. its just so crazy. i have great insurance, but with all of the copays, this process really adds up.

anyway, getting the "baby" who is now 16 months old, baptized on sunday at the church that we love. hooray. happy and healthy new year to everyone.

16dpo

Well, here i am at 16 dpo, cd 30, the longest cycle ive ever had, and im not sure where we're at. I had a lot of what i think are false early prego symptoms, which i attributed to the clomid side effects. then on 13dpo i took a first response early pregancy test. i got a faint positive. and when i say faint, i mean faint. so instead of it being a BFP(big fat positive) like i was hoping for, for me it qualitifed as a TFP= tiny faint positive. so unsteadily i got my hopes a little up, hoping that all of the hcg from my ovidrel injection was out of my system and we were really on our way to success. patiently i waited until the next morning (14dpo) to test again. this time i used a cvs brand early pregancy test. again a TFP. in my head i thought, ok, 2 for 2 this is good. later that day i started to spot some, with mild cramping, and i thought, oh shit its over again. (warning: next sentence may contain tmi) well, i've been spotting for the last 2 days nothing bright red, mostly shades of brown, some pink. im well aware that this could be the start of my period. im also aware that im a day late because the clomid can extend the length of your cycle.

my brain has been running around in circles for days about whether i had a chemical pregnancy, categorized as a miscarriage within the first 5 weeks, often identified by faint positives on early pregnancy tests by women ttc, or if the hcg from the trigger shot is still in my system, or if i could actually be pregnant this time around. so i scheduled and went in for a blood test this morning. the rational side of my brain says, no of course not. you're period is just taking longer to actually start due to the clomid. and my heart is saying, just hold on to some hope, everyone's pregnancy is different, some women spot and cramp for weeks.

well, no more wondering. just got the call from my doctor's office. its a no go this cycle. as sad as i am im just glad to have an answer. again.

its just a really hard process for my wife and i. i mean clearly, of course it is.  and i really struggle when i get into my self pity mode when its an unsuccessful cycle. i know there are women who have it wayyyyy worse than i do, and im thankful that my situation isn't as bleak as some other women. but its just hard when i feel like my body is the problem. with the diabetes, and the thyroid condition, and the blocked tube, and the endometriosis. even though everything is well controlled its hard to feel like the problem isnt with me. i know this sperm can get people pregnant, thats how we got our little Sofia. we know these doctors have this down to a science. i just need some luck.

and ill keep waiting on my luck, and our baby, because i know until the right baby is ready for us, there will be no baby.

so guess who'll be drunk this new year... :o/

hoping that 2012 brings a load of health and happiness my way, and everyone else's way too.

see ya 2011, good riddance.

clomid and ovidrel and (iui)s, oh my!

well. today is technically cd 13, but other than that not sure what to call today. i had done my day 10 + 11 bloods and ultrasounds on sat and sunday, and they called early sunday afternoon (while i was tailgating at the Jets game)to tell me i should come in tomorrow morning for my first iui. usually i would be thrilled and just say "yes maam, what time should i be in" however, monday dec 12 was to be a more significant day. i officially finished the adoption of our daugther yesterday. now i am legally her mother absolutely everywhere we will ever go. im so relieved to have this process over with. but you can imagine my panic when they called me. im in the middle of drinking a beer, in a crowded parking lot, with music blaring and people yelling and playing football, and me standing as far as possible from everyone trying to figure out how this was going to work. i asked if i could come in later than the 730-800am window the woman gave me bc our court appearance was scheduled for 9am. she said " no dont worry, just do the ovidrel shot in the evening on the 12th, and come in on the 13th for your first iui". of course this wasnt good enough for me bc i was not familiar with the woman who i was speaking to. i called back and asked to speak with one of the PA's who had done my iui in october and who had done my 2 sonograms over the weekend. she is one of the sweetest, calmest, nicest people i have ever met and she put my worries to rest. so i agreed to the original plan. and with that i grabbed another beer lol.

so this morning, with my mother and my daughter in tow, we headed out to long island ivf. i had brought my mom to just watch the baby while i had my procedure done. i wanted the baby there, kind of for luck, but kind of as a way of having my wife there with me. she was unable to take the day off and i just needed a part of her there. so once the procedure was done and i was giving myself 5 minutes to relax i kind of did just that. i relaxed. i didnt feel sad that my wife wasnt there (although clearly i would prefer her to be there) and i didnt do much of anything. i didnt do much visualization. i did some deep breathing. i thought of how much i am in love with my family as it is right now, and how wonderful it would be to be able to bring another bundle of joy into our lives. and then, honestly, i just imagined myself lying on my back in the grass, in the park, in the middle of a brisk spring time afternoon (just as the light panels above suggested). i felt at peace. i was so much calmer this morning than i was in october. as devastating as a failure would be, im so much less scared of it this time because ive been through it already. sure it would suck, but at least we have more sperm. i've been really working on letting go of any false sense of control that i thought was possible to have in this situation and for now i feel peaceful, which is a huge surprise to me. but im happy to be feeling this way. and im hopeful. and tomorrow i get to go in for a 2nd iui because none of the follicles had burst yet. going back tomorrow will jst remind me of my wife's successful one and only iui attempt bc she was also inseminated twice, in december, just two years ago.

so on we go, on to an alcohol-free holiday season (hopefully, but if not ill know by new years whether or not im in the clear for "some" champagne).

ill keep my fingers crossed and a smile on my face and in my heart, and if its meant to be this time, then its meant to be. and if not, ill just keep on going with my family by my side.

who doesnt love a roller coaster ride once in a while?