tis the season

to be jolly... um yea, usually. this holiday season is super strange to me. i'm not going to lie, i've been half dreading it. i feel so conflicted with my emotions its crazy. its even hard for me to figure out which emotion "weighs" more in my mind, our first christmas without my MiL or Laila's 1st Christmas. fuck, i'm not even sure its going to feel like christmas without being full of amazing food, wine, and family joy at my MiL's apartment, which doesn't exist to our family anymore because she isn't here with us. it feels like we spent 2/3 of every holiday season at her apartment every year for the last 15 years of my life. there was/is nothing like her house at the holidays. always decorated with home made decorations from years past, always holiday cookies that only get baked once a year, always amazing aromas from the kitchen, always peace- just sitting around with family, stuffing our faces, laughing, watching movies, doing a big puzzle, in our pjs, for days. her house at the holidays is the physical/emotional representation of the "warm wishes" im sending to everyone at christmas time. what the fuck do we do now? have stuff here, yea, but its just not the same. we dont have the extra space that she did (at least not right now), we dont have her holiday humor (a box full of pine needles that had fallen off of the tree decorated with gifts cut out of magazines because she didn't get around to gift shopping one year), we dont have her.

and it fucking blows and im angry and sad about it. laila and my MiL did not get to spend a single birthday together, like in person, together. when laila was born my MiL was not feeling great so she didn't get to meet her until we came home from the hospital. she was in the room, watched and helped to bring Sofia into this world. my MiL's birthday passed last weekend, clearly no together time there. not one christmas, not one new years. there are so many things that laila won't have with her its atrocious. im so sad for all the gramma times laila did/will miss out on, but i am ever so grateful that they had the time that they did together. there were many times when my MiL would just hold Laila for hours while she slept in her arms. many times that that laila was a little fussy pants and only a belly down nap on gramma's lap was the only solution. they shared a lot of smiles and hugs and kisses and im so thankful for that. im just so mad that she was taken from us. so mad and so devastated. and so mad. not to mention watching lovedove grieve in new ways on different days all the time. my. heart. is. broken.

sooooooo, how the hell do i get excited for christmas? laila's first no less. ugh, i just feel like we're half assing it, but truly the kids won't remember. well sofia might because she's some kind of remarkable remember-er, but whatever. we decorated over the last week, incorporated my MiL's decorations and ornaments into our home. the dog was weird the whole time because of the smells of my MiL's house. i talked to Disa about losing her when it happened, but who knows what she understood. i just dont want her to feel like we're keeping her from getting to her gramma. maybe gramma will visit her in her puppy dreams. ugh even the dog is grieving, god help us.

this upcoming week is a busy one. last night was the P!nk concert with lovedove. p!nk is fucking amazing and beautiful and wonderful and the show was unbelievable. the show was at the Barcl.ays center in brooklyn, which is almost in our backyard. not even 30 minutes door to door, made going to a sunday night concert that much easier. weds is my company holiday party, thurs is the rehearsal dinner for my friend's wedding, saturday is the wedding in ct (which i'm in - and i dont even know if i've mentioned that on here bc i never post anymore. long story short, im thrilled to be a bridesmaid, feel like i didn't fulfill my bridal party duties that well due to everything that was going on, and i don't love my dress - but it doesn't matter because i would have walked down the isle in a lobster costume if she asked me to). since the wedding is in ct, we are staying in a hotel, the kids are going to be with my parents. we were thrilled and planning on checking out late, taking our time coming home and retrieving our kids, until we found out that sofia's first little dance recital is the next morning at 11:30am. god help me. the things we do for our kids. except my mom. i asked her to come and sleep here so that i dont have to pack up the two kids stuff, plus the dog stuff, plus recital stuff. no, she has to have the sleepover at her house. i begged her, twice, to just come here to make it easier..... nope. im thankful that shes watching the kids, yes, but my children are wonderful kids and generally not too challenging for any babysitter so im pretty sure that we could have found alternative caregivers. whatever, she'll learn when i start giving away opportunties to watch my kids to other people who are willing to work with me to make things as simple as possible for everyone involved.

anyway this is not a very festive post but i guess i needed to rant a bit. i hope we can make this christmas a happy one for the kids, and im sure it will be good enough for them. im just not sure what it will be like for us, the grown ups. on top of all of that im scared of getting christmas presents from others for the kids. our apt is busting at the seams since we took in a lot of my MiL's stuff and we haven't been able to get rid of baby toys yet bc laila is just starting to play with the large in size items (baby stroller/activity table/etc). lovedove inherited some money from her mom, we're going to try to buy a house in the neighborhood, so we might have some more room in the near future but that doesn't mean i want to fill up any and all new space. i cant wait until we can throw some stuff out.

anyway heres some stuff about the kids and then ill end this, apparently i was in need of some venting...
sofia.. now 3yrs3months old, loves making up little songs, dancing, being the boss and telling people what to do, making little jokes ("hey.. who turned out the lights??" every time i put a shirt over her head to un/dress her - that joke gets old reallllly fast), loves cooking with mommies, loves telling people what is going on or what happened just before they arrived or what the plan for what's next is. she loves "laila baby" and playing with her. oh and her attitude is a little crazy sometimes. sometimes you ask her why she did something and she will just shrug her shoulders. or test the boundaries like crazy, holy moly she gets me mad sometimes.
laila... now 11 months old loves smiling, "dancing", and snuggling. she loves musical (baby/toy) instruments, eating, and also trying to be the boss. her favorite thing to do is crawl over to the dog's bowl and try to get her hands in the food or water. i tell her no, she stops, gets herself into a sitting position, shakes her head "no", and then proceeds to the bowls. i get up, move her back to the living room carpet, and the process begins again and again. she cries, yells, and sometimes lays herself down on the floor to throw a pathetic angry tantrum at the end of 5 or 6 trips to the food/water bowls. yup, she's me in mini form.

all in all i love our family and i miss my second mom. i hope that we can carry on her traditions and feel her with us in the holiday season. we got through thanksgiving, better than expected in my opinion, maybe things won't be as bad as im fearing. but maybe they will.

39 is the finish line

met with my doctor yesterday for our regular check up. she did my cultures, which was the first time i have been bottomless in a doctor's office in a while, and she joked with the nurse the whole time. the two of them are really great and make me feel super comfortable always. after she did those swabs and checked baby's heart beat on the tiny doppler, she asked me to join her in her office. she gave me the pre-registration packet (which i apparently was supposed to receive much earlier but they forgot - no biggie) and we talked about what the plan is. then she used one of my favorite quotes about life "we plan and God laughs". its so true sometimes. anyway, she would normally start seeing me weekly at this point, but she's not in the office next thurs, so i'll see her 2 days after christmas when im almost 37 weeks. CRAZY. where does the time go that christmas is in 11 days? anyway. she said that because i'm there so frequently (every 3-4 days) for a sono and nst, that she's not going to worry about having another clinician check in with me next week. the plan is, that if "all" continues to go well, "all" being tight control of my blood sugars without them plummeting (which may indicate placental breakdown - in which case we'd need to meet baby sooner than later), my blood pressure continuing to be where they want it, and decent non stress test results/biophysical profiles w the sonos, then we'll try to get to mid january and then induce. so, within a month, we should meet this baby. holy moly. so many feelings ranging from crazy excitement, a little bit of worry about delivery and how it will go, to omg we're going to have 2 kids/how am i going to learn to juggle all of that with a crazy dog, etc. i can't believe she's almost here.

baby was not that cooperative on the non stress test machine yesterday. i'm usually in a recliner, they have 2 set up, but they were occupied, so i laid on a stretcher during the test. apparently baby thought i was sleeping and went to sleep too. after a while and some unsuccessful attempts to wake her up by drinking cold water, they had me turn onto my side and lay there for a while longer. she cooperated once i was on my side and after what was probably an hour, they let me go, satisfied with the heart rate info during her movement that they saw on the printed strip.

then at the sono, the tech seemed a little concerned with my placenta. apparently it is horseshoe shaped and she was a little concerned about making sure it attached at some point. one of the doctors came in to look around with the sono wand and said everything looked fine, and that she was not worried. however, had i not already been scheduled for 2x a week sonos, that type of thing would warrant getting those additional peeks to monitor that kind of thing. when i asked my dr about it, she said that it is just to make sure that when i deliver the baby and the placenta they are able to get all of the placenta out, to avoid additional unnecessary bleeding after the birth. so any minor stress i experienced from that was pretty much put to rest once i spoke with her.

cue frustrated family ramble. every thursday, i pretty much rely on my sister to watch sofia while im at my appt(s). fine. so weds i speak with her about what the plan is, i ask her to come to our apt around 9.30/10 because i need to leave at 10 to watch sofia. i ask her to bring her car so that i dont have to put the car seat in her car, and i would just drive her car to my appts. my only request is that she take Sofia to storytime at the library, which she hasn't been to in weeks. ok. arrival time to our apt. 10 on the dot. she brings her boyfriend. totally fine bc he's a really nice guy and treats Sofia like gold, however, they drive over in his truck. now i have to transfer the car seat into this car. that takes time. fine. whatever, i get out of the house and get to my appt about 15 minutes late, which is now normal bc my family is typically not good at arriving on time/early. i didn't go on fb from my phone while i was at my appts bc my phone is pretty much always dead (the battery and phone are 2 yrs old and i think its just not holding a charge well anymore) and i just zoned out/read a magazine/etc. i get a text from lovedove that reads "your sister's fb post irritated me a little". so of course now im curious. i go on fb. i see a pic of sofia and my sister's boyfriend at the library reading a book. fine. i read the caption my sister puts with the picture. "storytime!! how ironic she picks out "daddy and me lol". ok, 1. she doesn't have a dad. 2. its not funny that she likes that book (its a flap book, she has several just like it by the same author, we've read it before) 3. your bf is certainly not her dad. 4. your boyfriend isn't even her "uncle" until you get engaged/marry him.

cue my fury. i commented on the post and said "are you trying to start a fight? you should probably think a little more before you post stuff". i just felt so angry. like i think ive said on here, i feel like she loves to play house with our baby, that we planned for, provide for, and care for every second of every day. when she takes Sofia places its not like - oh this is my niece, she's so cute, i love spending time with her, (for me it feels more like) its - i'm pretending this is my kid and this is my little family, and that is exactly how that post made me feel. plus, i dont think its a laughing matter that she doesn't have a dad. Sofia is aware that she doesn't have a daddy, but i think she's ok with it at this point. we talk about different kinds of families, and she knows that she has two mommies and she's a well rounded happy kid. i was just so furious. she didn't respond in any way to what i said, and she probably feels like im over reacting. i dont think i am. i didn't scream, i didn't yell, i didn't even address it with her in person. my family's way is to just avoid any "real" confrontation, and any time i do address any real issue i have with things they do or say, i'm the emotional (now pregnant - lucky them they get to play up the hormones too) one who makes a big deal out of nothing all of the time. i feel like i would have been fine with either the pic by itself, or the caption by itself, but the two together just made me too angry. arrrrggggg.

what about you - other 2 mom families? how would you have felt in this situation?

trying to get back to normal (kind of an irritated venty rant, you've been warned)

all of this crazy severe nyc weather has made our area turn upside down and for those of us that were not very affected (and those that were), it's been hard to find normalcy again. my work schedule has been turned upside down and i've barely seen any clients in the last 2 weeks. severe weather, the gas shortage, and public transportation disturbances have been the main issues. i've only seen 8 clients and worked 4 days this pay period (usually i see about 4 a night and about 22-26 a pay period). tonight and tomorrow are the last two days in this pay period for me, so im praying for a huge turnout both evenings. as i've mentioned before, i only get paid when clients show up. i could do paperwork for hours, but if my clients dont show up, i dont get paid a dime. needless to say this adds quite a bit of stress to our world, as i had imagined that we'd be able to bank more money on the side for my unpaid maternity leave. whatever, we'll manage.

speaking of financial woes, i've just about had it with disa's vet office. the docp shot, that she needs monthly to be healthy is being given to us at a crazy marked up price. long story short. the drug is called percorten v. wholesale cost of a 4ml vial (in 2009) was $153, which is probably what the vet pays for that size vial, maybe a little more with inflation over the last few years. disa's current dose is 1.9mls, so that vial would have 2 months worth of medicine in it for her. at her injection appt last monday, i was charged $220. i tried to fight it in the moment as we've paid $75 the first 2 times, $130, the 3rd time, and now that. i wasn't going to get all up in arms that day bc i didnt have time or my past receipts. i went back the next day with my other receipts and talked to the bitch who overcharged me. she swore that the other receptionists had undercharged us. possible, but i think people would be losing their jobs if they undercharged a client by $150 twice. i left a message for the owner of the clinic asking to be spoken to about the pricing, and who calls me back? the bitch jen who overcharged us this last time. she's all "i know the medication is expensive, but this is what we charge for a dog that is 68 lbs". um no bitch, you're fucking price gauging, and either you're going to work with me and my family (they've admitted that they only treat about 3{they treat about 10,000 in total} dogs w Addison's disease) and cut a break for the two other families in the neighborhood whose dogs are afflicted with this rare condition, or you're not. we'd love to pay $75, but thats probably the base price w no surcharge for doing the injection, and without any mark up. we'd pay the $130 w no problem. $220? bitch please. show me the math. thats all im asking for is math. show me how you get to $220 when the entire vial (with 2 of disa's monthly doses) costs less than the price you're quoting me for one injection. needless to say im furious and will be trying to see if disa's dr can help us at all with this, or else we're going to have to look elsewhere, which is another headache i dont want to take on. i guess that wasn't long story short. whoops.

other stresses? um how about im almost out of testing strips because my regular endocrinologist doesnt know how to complete paperwork properly and in a timely manner, and im running out of insulin because my insurance company changed some of their providers, and i've been trying to remedy the situation for weeks. today i have to trek to my endo's office to pick up a sample pump and another vial of insulin to hold me over until all of this is resolved. i hate having to do follow up work when its other people's job. just do your job and make sure i have the shit i need. its so stressful. i want this situation to be sorted out already.

baby sprinkle #1 is this saturday. im excited, but a lot of our family guests cant make it bc we're doing it kid free at my mom and dad's apt. its not too large, and we have a ton of little cousins. i dont want any kids around me (to be completely honest, bc im going to be surrounded by our 2 children for the next 18 years, god willing) at my parties, but space was also an issue for my mom. it should be really nice w yummy food. on another grumpy note, my sister asked me what time it starts, when i saw her yesterday. clearly im irritated with that. she's a pretty self centered person in general, which isn't a dig, it kind of just is, but i wish that the party to celebrate my pregnancy, and the upcoming arrival of her second niece was higher up on her list of priorities, that she knew what time it started. ps, she still technically lives at my mom's house, but im pretty sure has not had one second of thought/input contributed to the party planning. that kind of hurts.

speaking of hurting, this week brought some back/lower spinal cord pain, no fun, but only here and there, and it usually goes away by the next morning. my lower pelvic pain continues every other day or so, but i guess its just my body starting to make more room for baby. baby also seems to be head down now so ive been feeling lots more kicks near my lungs which is kind of annoying but cute at the same time.

(i wrote most of this post before 8am... its now 1pm and im just coming back to this)

sofia has been so much of a challenge in the last week. clearly you (if you are us) give a sick kid anything they want when they're sick bc they're so pathetic and miserable and all you want to do is make them happy/see them smile. the down side of that is returning to normalcy with rules, reprecussions, etc. sofia hit me in the face today with a book and it took everything i had not to lose it on her. i kind of just picked her up by her upper arms and grunted at her (i grunt a lot for a human when im mad) then i put her down, and locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes and cried. that was probably 10am. i then needed to dress her, ride out to my endo's office (the amazing nursing staff there gave me 3 bottles of huma.log for which im super duper grateful, not what i usually use but im so desperate ill take anything i dont have to pay out of pocket for) and then to sofia's dr for a follow up. sofia behaved for the most part at the dr, doc said she looked good, gave her a lollipop and a sticker. when we got home i let sofia eat said lollipop, with the one stipulation that she remain seated while she ate it. after 2 warnings and 3 attempts to walk around with her lollipop i threw it out, and locked the garbage can (simp.le huma.n items are amazing) and sat down for a minute to rest. realizing she could not open the garbage can, she intentionally peed her pants.

i am so completly overwhelmed with the constant "to do" list that never gets shorter. im starting to feel scared about parenting 2 kids at once and how much of a change that will be. i am so tired all of the time. the only consolation is that my belly is big enough now that people kind of feel bad for me when they see me in difficult situations. nice people are holding doors open for us (sofia and i), the nurses were extra nice to me today, etc.

all i want to do is nap but i still need to call disa's doctor, go to post office, and find out what the hell sofia is doing in her room instead of what she should/is supposed to be doing, napping.

i want nap time for us both right now.

movement

im so in love with baby's moving all around. she makes me feel calm when i can feel her, its amazing how calm i feel when she's wiggling around. i'm pretty sure that she knows immediately any time i try to share her with anyone else, because she pretty much refuses to act up in those moments. performance anxiety already?

my parents are starting to act like this is real, which is kind of nice, but frustrating that it took this many months for it to start to be real to them. my dad touched my belly for the first time (probably in my adult life) the other day, it was really brief and sweet. my mom attended the most recent sonogram and didn't seem that impressed, but said she "almost" cried. thanks mom. way to go on being in touch with your emotional side/having health responses to emotional feelings. whatever.

another thing. i was pretty convinced (why i don't know) that since i've been bigger/somewhat overweight my entire life i was not going to get stretch marks. wrong-o. i've already got some on the underside of my belly, supporting my idea that im carrying moderately low. i've decided that ill do my best to lotion up and try to avoid too many of them. i'll take em, but i dont want them. im also scared about how much and how quickly my belly is going to grow. im not too big now, i know i will be by the end. oy.

so thats about it, halfway through a lovely weekend with lovedove, sofia, and disa. football on tv tomorrow, lovedove is going to make sauce so we can have a nice italian dinner with my favorite raviolis tomorrow, maybe pjs all day tomorrow. the weather seems unseasonably warm but we've got our windows open and there is a lovely little breeze.

i'm feeling happy and calm - which seems like a pretty big change from the first few months of this pregnancy. the ticker says 92 days, my brain says 88 to the due date, only time will tell when she'll arrive but im excited to meet her... but not sooner than later. i want her to be as ready as she can be when she makes her debut.

recent incorrect name guesses from mom: tessa, sadie, violet. good tries mom. keep guessing.

attempting to be thankful for bad luck

interesting title no? i don't know how else to word it. as i've mentioned, this week it is back to my fall/spring/school year work schedule of mondays-thursdays 4:15-9/9:30pm. fine. i made it to work on time yesterday, to only see 2 of my 5 clients (transition weeks are hard for pretty much everyone at my clinic) do the needed paperwork and head home. left the office at 8:45ish, i kind of ran out of there because i knew i needed to get some gas on the way home and I wanted to try to catch some of the opening DNC speeches on tv. i stop to get gas. fine. before i leave i go in to grab some sweets, typical pregnant lady move, fine. things seem fine right? anyone remember my "new" car? the one my dad gave to me like 4 months ago, the one that some guy hit on a rainy afternoon on my way to work about 2 months ago? yea, that one.

ouch.

well some old man, either A) ran his stop sign or B) pretty sure it was this one - decided while sitting at his stop sign that he didn't give a shit that i was driving down the street/didn't see me with his old man eyes+glasses on a slick rainy night, and t-boned the passenger side of my car. thats where the thankful part comes in. i've been hit, in my "new" car, by two different men, on two different occasions, in the rain, and i've been able to out of my car unharmed both times. clearly i was immediately in shock/rage as i couldnt believe this happened, again. i got out of my car, and knocked on the guy's window to ask him if he was ok bc he had not gotten out of his car. now i see that he's old, and he has his head on the steering wheel and i think he's dead or something. luckily he wasn't dead, but he was a complete asshole. didn't apologize, didn't ask me if i was ok, nothing. the local volunteer FDNY ambulance comes to see if we're ok, and by this time we've moved our cars, and we're just standing next to each other silently. we were both fine, although i was a little peeved that throughout this whole thing no one (volunteer fdny, nor the 2 nypd officers that arrived at the scene) was like "oh shit you're pregnant" bc i clearly am now at almost 5.5 months, the bump is there for all to see - small but there. whatever it doesnt matter. this man did not attempt to exchange info, speak to me, nothing. he did turn to me and ask "what now?" and i kind of yelled at him to just stand there and wait for the cops to come.

im trying to figure out what im supposed to learn from this. im a big believer in "everything happens for a reason", so whats the reason here? am i supposed to learning a dont-stress-money lesson, bc i have been lately? it cant be a dont-drive-in-the-rain/inclimate weather- lesson bc um hello, i live in nyc and we have plenty of that. i just dont know. i can barely wrap my brain around it. and not for nothing, but he beat the shit out of my car. it might be 10-15 feet from his stop sign, to where he hit me, so i have no idea how he managed to get that much momentum to F up my car the way he did. even the cops couldnt believe how muc damage he had done in such a small amount of space. whatever, its over, i'm/we're ok, and its just another headache. i was thankful that baby was kicking around after i had calmed down when i got home. i needed to feel her and thank God i did. i have a doctor's appt schedule for tomorrow morning so im going to mention this whole thing and maybe they'll give me an extra sono just to check in on baby.

back to pregnancy. officially 21 weeks today and im SUPER cranky (in certain situations) lately to the point that im kind of afraid that people wont like me anymore. i've been feeling baby kick and move a lot, which is wonderful and i cant wait until its easier for other people to feel from the outside. i feel a special little bond whenever she nudges me, and i kind of like that no one knows about it unless i tell them. at my 20w sono the very patient doctor said that i have marginal umbilical cord insertion, which, she claims is not a big deal because she's never had this complicate anyone's delivery, but basically means that the umbilical cord is not attached to the direct center of my placenta. from what i've read online, its usually not diagnosed until baby is born, as it is usually missed on sonos. whatever, im not goin to stress about it.

besides all of this, Sofia turned 2 on Monday, insert crazy confused expression here, and there was some family shit at her mini pizza/coffee and cake party on monday between me and my mother. i dont even want to get into, it blew up again today, so of course between last night and today i've cried my eyes out.

lovedove just got home from work so im thrilled to be with her. i called out of work tonight because only 2 of my scheduled 5 were confirmed to show and i just really need a break. tomorrow is another day.

arggggggggggggggggggggggg!

just in case things were getting boring

things are going well, i sold my car, im about to start my summer work schedule, and ill be 11 weeks pregnant on wednesday. sounds peachy, no? well add a little torrential rain, an average 10 minute commute by streets to work, and just one asshole and what do you get? a car accident. thankfully i saw it coming when the guy began to try to cut me off (he was trying to get out of the backed up left-turn-lane and into my, steadily moving, middle lane) and was able to maneuver my car enough to the right to avoid any major injury to me or the other guy. there was no major impact, i kind of just got sandwiched in between this guy on my left, and a speeding UPS truck on my right. the ups truck kept it movin, didn't brake or stop, eh what did he care he's driving a commercial vehicle and there was probably little to no damage to his truck. needless to say i pulled my car over and marched over to this guy's window like a mad woman. i must have screamed a few obscenities and then follow with "tell me you have insurance you jackass", clearly, still yelling. he wound up to be a very nice person, just made a poor driving decision, but i was furious for a good 5 minutes while i called lovedove, my parents, and the cops. i tried to calm myself down quickly as i didn't want to be that amped for too long. i was thankful that there really was no impact or anything, the seat belt didn't tighten at all so im just trying to be thankful for how the situation turned out. no one was hurt, its all just cosmetic crap that can be easily fixed. accidents happen all of the time, thats why we have insurance. so long story short, he made a mistake (and admitted he was totally wrong, even to the cops), i did a good enough job driving defensively to avoid major injury, and all this will cost is some money. im just thankful and relieved that it wasn't worse. i drop the car at the shop tomorrow morning, so we'll be down to 1 car which is fine bc lovedove's last day of work is weds. i hope the repairs dont take long, i love our "new" car. oh yea i forgot to mention that i was driving the car that was handed down to us from my dad, exactly one month prior.

since i didnt make it in to work yesterday, im officially done working mondays until the school year picks up again, yipee hooray! im hoping this week goes fast, because i know next week will go fast, clearly im in a rush to get to our 12 week sono next friday. i want to see and hear that things are still going well. im also excited for lovedove to finally be able to attend a sono appt with me. she was there for the first one at 6 weeks, but there was not that much to see at that point. im excited for summer, we have tons more family time together, and we also have 2 nearly back to back vacations planned for late july and early august. i know that we have so much fun stuff scheduled that the summer will fly, im just looking forward to so much of it.

im slightly concerned about the vacation with my side of the family.while we, my mother, my sister, lovedove and i, were at my cousin's bridal shower this weekend, my sister picked a fight with me on behalf of my mother (PS - they're simultaneously arch enemies, and identical personalities). then she told me that i've been bitchy lately. really? i'm a medically complicated, first time pregnant lady, TRYING TO GROW A HEALTHY HUMAN. wtf have you been up to lately other than running your mouth? in all honestly, i have been irritable and overwhelmed lately, what first time high risk person isn't? my family just does not get the concept of emotional support. i've always tried to communicate my feelings and emotions to my family members, but it always seems pointless. in one ear and out the other. im hoping i can survive 4 uninterrupted SOBER days with them.

one more family thing before i move on. my aunt has a 4th of july celebration each year. this year she moved it to saturday because the 4th is on a weds and apparently weds is not a festive enough day. well sat, the 7th, happens to be lovedove's birthday. we declined the invite to the celebration because we have birthday plans. what an uproar this caused. my aunt is trying to move the celebration from the 4th to the 7th now to the 14th, just so that we will be able to attend. i'm sure this is all because no one ever gets "enough" time with Sofia. yes, she does command attention, and she is a great funny smart little kid, but we didn't create her for everyone else's enjoyment. we created her so that we would be able to have our own family. the fact that we are so sharing of our time is a lovely thing, we enjoy family time, but i don't need people to change their party plans just so we can attend. its a lot of pressure, and its annoying. i told my aunt i didnt expect this much of a guilt trip from my one non-italian aunt. im just annoyed and venting but there has been an abnormally large amount of family shit lately.

anyway, my nausea seems to have faded for the most part and only attacks me occasionally now. no amount of sleep seems to be enough, ever, and i still want every food item i see, hear about, etc.

we had a very nice pride day on sunday, the weather was just about perfect, and i made it through the walk with the NYCGBL without having to pee or getting dehydrated. i was in bed before 10 that night as the walk is 1.8 miles long. it was lovely and i would have been really disappointed not to participate. i really do think it is the most proud i feel of our life each year. lovedove and i get to walk down 5th ave, hand in hand, with lovedove's mom pushing sofia in the stroller. it makes me so proud, and i cant wait to do it each year.

for anyone wondering the dog is all better, thank god, but has remained itchy. that is the least of our worries though as she is back to eating normally and playing the way she usually does.

2012 has officially been the most expensive year(6 month period) ever for us. clearly the bulk of our expenses have been fertility stuff and surgery/unpaid recovery time, throw in the new/used car, yesterday's accident, the dog's switch to more expensive food (more agreeable on her tummy), her random ear infection/illness, and the tickets we just purchased for our vacation to california, and its just been a lot. we live on 1.5 incomes but somehow we're making it work.

sofia will be up soon, i should do the things around the house i need to do while i still can. will check in again soon. im thankful to have vented, and there's sofia... "mama..... where are you?". duty calls.