12 dpo, nothin but bfns

so like an impatient moron i began testing on 10 dpo. its only 12 dpo now, which is still a little early, but im losing hope and this is killing me a bit. its like torture, and i keep doing it to myself, day after day. but hey its my first go at this. if we're unsuccessful this time around, i certainly wont test so early next time. seeing a neg result on a prego test repeatedly blows. i thought that i would somehow be like my freak of nature wife who got pregnant on her first iui and had a bfp at 10 dpo. i guess thats bc our daughter is a little force of nature.

also, although the world of ttc blogs and forums is quite abundant, im feeling lonely. like really, there must be some other lesbian diabetic woman ttc though iui with only one "good" fallopian tube. where are you?? LOL come and share in my insanity while i torture myself instead of just waiting for my period due date, which is friday by the way. i was reading the app on my phone wrong for days thinking that i was due on tuesday. yea i should have realized the numbers/timing didnt make any sense. my head has been spinning, forgive me.

so its halloween today and the lil one is going to be a duckie. cant wait to get her into her costume. have to do a few errands which is annoying but i did take the evening off from work so i could spend it with the fam and see baby go trick or treating to the neighbors houses. its her first walking one, i didnt want to miss one second. hoping this week flies by.

i really just want to know if im + or really -. like im ok with whatever it is, clearly id prefer a + but whatever will be will be and im ok with that. we have more sperm, and we have time and thats really all we need. oh and a some luck, but you'd think we'd have some of that already no? we got angel #1 pretty easily, so i guess we cant be too greedy in taking up all of the luck.

anyway, if im really - (clearly im having a hard time believing that im not prego, i really think i am) ill probably be drinking a lot of alcohol until we try again lol. not that drinking is a healthy coping mechanism, but its one of my favorites.

anyway, keeping my fingers crossed even though my hope gets tinier every day, like they say in the ttc community, "you're not out until the old witch arrives". and by the old witch, they're talking about AF (Aunt Flo). yea im in love with all of the abbrevs too. eye roll. for anyone who has never seen all of the abbrevs from the ttc world, here's some help..... an extensive list

day by day

so today makes 5 days post insemination. i dont think i have any real symptoms. dont look at this and think im crazy. there are tons of websites about the earliest possible symptoms. and yes the women who contribute to those websites may be totally insane, but come on, having a baby is no small feat when there are obstacles involved. its hard not to get crazy.

the only things that i think may be legitimate are that im feeling pretty fatigued, and i feel like i can smell everything. who knows, maybe im crazy, but maybe im not. going to try to wait until friday to take an ept. gonna do one fri, sat, and sun. thats the plan i think. supposed to start my period next tues so i guess im just looking for a heads up with the epts to see what to expect in the next week.

trying to just accept that whatever will be will be. looking forward to finding out something later this week.

actively TTC

cant believe im here already.....sooooo... yesterday I had my first IUI. the doctors had called on weds (2 days ago) to say that my bloods showed that my LH was surging on its own and I didnt need to do the ovidrel injection. they made my appointment for 8am yesterday morning.

arrived on time and signed in. in a few minutes was called in to verify the number on the vial of sperm they were going to thaw. 20-25 minute wait for the thaw. then off to room #1 to empty my bladder and undress from the waist down. ive heard that so often lately lol.

within a few minutes a polite knock on the door from the PA who would do the insemination. luckily it was the woman we liked who had done my wife's insemination the first time. she was so lovely. explained everything that she was going to do. so nice. so friendly. made the experience wonderful. or as wonderful as a cold metal speculum can be lol. for me that was the worst part. barely felt anything else. she told me i had a good amount of CM which sounded like a good thing. she explained the process for insemination and she was done in less than 2 minutes. super fast!

when she left the room, i laid on the table and my wife held my hand. we both were pretty emotional. so much at stake, odds of success 20% at best which isnt bad, but a hard reality to acknowledge, not sure what the next steps will be if we're unsuccessful with this attempt. will i ovulate on the correct (left) side next month? should i have the procedure done to open my right fallopian tube to increase my chances/be able to try more often? really trying to keep all of these questions out of my head but id be a liar if i said they weren't there.

so now im just trying to be relaxed. called in the troops, one of her Grandmas, to come over and play so that I can just relax a bit. the nice insemination lady had said that if it was possible to take it easy and not lift my 20+ lb infant for the next 36-48 hours it might be beneficial. so just going to try to take it easy today. going to try not to stalk too many ttc websites that list the earliest possible pregnancy symptoms. although i kind of have a hard time relating to those bc i know exactly when i got inseminated. at this point im 2dpo(days past ovulation) but I only got inseminated yesterday. so im hoping to feel some twinges or slight senstion in the next two days and im hoping that will mean the hopefully fertilized egg will implant itself. im thinking positive, but i feel like if i put it in writing on here ill somehow jinx myself.

ive worked hard to get here. my body is ready. my mind is ready, and i deserve this.

we've got a busy weekend planned and i better find a way to fill my non-work hours next week. dont think ill be able to test until 10/30 with an ept (early pregnancy test) so have to stay busy!

hoping for symptoms and success!

just need to vent

So yesterday, I get my regular phone call after a morning of bloods and a sono. The PA tells me that the follicle is mature enough, and we're getting close to being ready to inseminate. Then she asks if I've heard from the Diabetes in Pregnancy Center who had written me a "clearance letter" back in early June. In the clearance letter they recommended that I complete several additional steps, just to be sure I'm in tip top shape for pregnancy. These included getting an EKG done, doing a 24 hour urine collection(every friggin drop for an entire day), which was just as fun as it sounds, and meeting with their dietician. All of these things were completed within 6 weeks from the date of the letter June 2nd. The Diabetes in Pregnancy Center was supposed to write me a second "clearance letter" stating that I had completed these things, and that they were giving the green light for me to be inseminated. I called at least 3 times in the last week and a half nagging them for it but to no avail.

So yesterday I sprung into psycho mode. I called the office and demanded to speak with the nurse who had written the original letter, and who acted like it would take 3o seconds to write and it would be done in no time (when i had orginally called to request this second letter). She tells me that now the doctor wants to see my data from my PDM (personal diabetes manager - which is my remote control for my pump, as well as my meter) and asks when i can bring it in. I said tomorrow (which is today, bc it seems like the only day i have left if they plan to inseminate me tomorrow). Her reply is, well only Marie (director of the program) has that software on her computer and she might not be in tomorrow. At this point I'm fuming. I told her I would send her all of the information I could about the last three months. They have my A1C and my thyroid levels from my fertility specialist so I still have no idea why they were holding out. I sent them the 38 page log of the last three months' numbers, a histogram of when im in range, a little out of it, or way out of it (thanks to omnipod's nifty software - CoPilot) and a statistics sheet. Then the doctor calls me to make sure that the numbers i just provided him with are correct!! Who the fuck do you think im pricking all damn day? My dog? I was furious.

How dare these people question my honesty, after I'm doing every damn piece of legwork for this "project". I started this process 5 months ago to try to avoid last minute bullshit like this. Its not my fault you didnt ask for my numbers earlier, its not my fault you didnt do your job when i called you 3 times to request this letter. How fucking dare you almost put this ovulation cycle in jeopardy. Honestly. This is my fucking life, and if i could do all of this shit myself, BELIEVE ME I WOULD. I've really struggled with how difficult it is to keep all of my providers in contact. Can't someone throw me a fucking bone? Like can you just call eachother instead of contacting me to call the other one? Come on, I run after a toddler all day. I'm just so tired of planning, and other people not doing their jobs in a timely manner. Like the PA who i work with all of the time from my fertility place, was going to "check to make sure the specimens arrived" at their other location like a week ago. Never got around to doing it and told me yesterday she would call, and I said don't bother I called the other location last week to verify. If it was me, would I wait until 3 days before an insemination to check to make sure someone's magic baby juice was where it was supposed to be? God no. I'm a social worker for Christ's sake, and people need stupid shit from me all of the time like letters verifying that they go to weekly therapy and I do that shit in a timely fashion.

so frustrated, wishing that i could just do it all myself. its hard to go through all of this.... planning, other people holding you up, other people giving you "permission" to try to get pregnant. it just makes me so jealous of the straights. even though baby making can be stressful if you run into problems, like you get to hop in the sack, get some good lovin, and hope for the best if you time it right. no one tells them if they cant if their health isnt at its best. (which i understand why i need to be monitored and such but its really hard to put yourself in a position where other people are the boss of your reproductive rights). and the straights just get to try and try and try, no money spent, no wasted effort, no wasted time synchronizing paperwork, fielding phone calls between multiple providers, etc. ::SIGH::

anyway, got that out of my system, now onto calmer and more positive thinking. gonna go lay with the dog on the couch and pray that baby naps for a bit.

getting there...

so the last time i wrote was 2 months ago, almost exactly. one month ago I had my surgery to remove the 7cm cyst that was on my right ovary. it was an endometrioma and seems harmless enough, only there is a high likelihood that it will return. and additionally it turns out my right fallopian tube is also blocked, but from what the doctors have said, that may not present as much of an issue as it might sound like. i had my first transvaginal sonogram since the surgery last week, and apparently there is still a cyst issue on my right ovary. it appears to either be a small part that they were unable to remove, or it could even be another cyst beginning to develop and grow. im not sure what i hope, but whatever will be, will be.

trying to own that last statement and think as positively as possible because... im getting inseminated this week. my left ovary + fallopian tube are doing just fine and working just like they should. i've been getting blood work done and a sonogram every other day for the last week and the PA who did my sonogram, believes that tomorrow might be the day, just have to wait for the blood work to come back to decide. so im excitedly waiting for my phone to ring, although i dont expect to hear from them until later in the day. its so crazy how fast everything seems now. I mean dont get me wrong, ive felt every second of every single day, but i cant believe ill be getting inseminated this week.

so the funniest thing ive conjured up in this whole process as a part of my thinking positively thing, is that my wife and i will wind up being Long Island IVF's star couple. She got pregnant on the first try (2 IUIs, one a day, for two consecutive days with the assistance of an Ovidrel shot to force ovulation) and my theory behind this is.... since neither one of our bodies had ever encountered any type of semen/seminal fluid/preejaculate etc, in that area, our bodies must be so excited to see something new, and then they want to keep it. the only way to keep it is to make a baby. so it worked for her and im crossing my fingers that it works for me as well. ah, gold star lesbianism, its gotta be good for something, no?

so thats whats news around here. im focusing on relaxing my body and mind (as much as i can while running after Sofia, Disa, balancing work, bills, our marriage etc) and staying positive. im sure ill be needing to vent more often in the next few weeks, but im staying positive. i deserve good things/happy occurances in my life, ive worked hard to get to where i'm at, and my body is as ready as it can be. im doing what im supposed to be doing, the doctrs are doing what they're supposed to be doing and i know that my stars will align and this will happen.

with a happy heart and my fingers crossed ill be waiting!

its raining its pouring...

it seriously is today, and i like a good hard summer rain, but im already feeling lonely and gloomy and not so spunky. eh enough about the weather.

my wife and my daughter are still on vacation. we've been on two vacations in the last month which has been wonderful. we visited the dominican republic for a friend's wedding and were there for about 3.5 days, and then we were home for a week, followed by a trip out to california to visit my wife's extended family. aunts uncles cousins and grandma. i was able to be out there with them for a week and it was really great. very relaxing, beautiful weather, and minimal stress. i flew in on the red eye tuesday and was in my bed trying to catch a few zzz's before i had to be back at work at 10. worked tues and weds. disa's oncology appt was thursday. it went very well, he thinks she's pretty much in the clear, we just have to be very watchful over her for new growths, lumps, bumps, so i couldnt have been happier. that must have been why i partied the way i did on thursday night. friday i was recovering for most of the day, and then had some friends over for a very funny and calm friday night. saturday was a friend's baby shower, which was hard to go to alone, but i was really glad i went. didnt do anything last night, havent done anything yet today. its been hard for me to get through this week without them which is why ive tried to keep myself so busy and occupied. i am actually looking forward to going back to our "normal"/non-vacation life. isnt that odd? but its so true. so now i've just got to get through today and tomorrow and they should be arriving home tomorrow night. i cant wait to hold them both.

coming back to reality has reminded me of all of my health shit. im really tired of dealing with it already. and not the diabetes or the thyroid issues. im pretty angry about this cyst. its the last thing we need right now and throws a pretty big wrench into our plans.

i've gone for two transvaginal sonograms and it seems like i have one large cyst thats about 7cm in diameter. i havent met with the doctor again (yet) but im assuming that ill need surgery to have it removed. I dont really care about having the surgery done. i mean im certainly not excited about it, and of course im a little scared, especially bc i am afraid of how long he'll tell me i have to wait for my body to recover before even starting to try to conceive. i just want to get this roadblock out of my way. its hard to stay positive when it seems like everything is working against the plan you have. and your smart realistic sense talking wife isn't right next to you to tell you to relax. im aware of the phrase "you plan and God laughs". i mean i guess its the truth, but we're big time planners. this whole cyst thing was not in the plan, potential surgery is not in the plan, recovery time is not in the plan. im kind of in a funk today and it feels pretty crappy.

its weird that i thought i would have all of this fun stuff to do, watch shows my wife doesnt like watching, party like a bachelor, etc, and i did party and have a good time, but when im by myself, nothing is really satisfying. like i could watch some tv, but its just so much less enjoyable by yourself. theres no one to talk to, except the dog, and i can only talk to the dog so much. im not a reader. i dont feel motivated to actually do anything productive. im just grumpy without my ladies. ::sigh:: cant wait to see them tomorrow. hoping the rest of today and tomorrow go by quickly.

maybe ill have better news the next time i write. fingers crossed....

holy roadblock. batman.

yesterday was my wife's birthday and my first exam at the IVF office. i thought that would be the perfect thing to do on your life partner's birthday. go to a doctor visit to talk about expanding your family. sounds lovely right? not when you're me. here's what happened.

we go into the doc's little office room, have a seat, go over my medical history, menstrual health history, family medical history etc. my mom had endometriosis, a condition where the endometrium grows in places other than where its supposed to and causes pain, irregular bleeding, possible infertility. fine. lets talk about the diabetes. i talk about how ive recently started using the cgm, my control is getting better, im down to a 6.7 A1C. he pisses me of by saying "thats a little high". do me a favor, phrase your words differently. tell me, "great work you're almost exactly where we want you". whatever, im sensitive. fine. could cause some complications. fine. nothing i havent read about. im totally aware, my control is getting better and better. fine. lets go do the physical. great.

so my wife and i go into the exam room. i get naked and throw on the glamorous pink paper gown and try to stay calm. first things first, extensive breast exam, check. fun speculum stuff, great. now its time for the internal stuff. manual physical exam, whatever, check. internal sonogram time. doc goes " im having trouble seeing your left ovary" me: "is it missing?" nope he found it, thats fine. the probing gets moderately uncomfortable and im starting to get worried. he's looking at something in particular. im cringing from the pain and pressure being applied to whatever he's looking at and he asks my wife to come over and take a look at what he's seeing.

apparently i have 1 or 2 "large" cysts by my right ovary. fml. this probably explains the excessive bleeding ive always had, the painful cramping, and the one night a month im woken up out of a deep sleep by unbearable abdominal pain. fabulous. he starts to talk about exactly what they could be, i could need surgery, etc. go for additional tests. so much fun. as if i wasnt already a lesbian with a health condition, now i potentially have another condition that could fuck up my fertility? fantastic. so after our little chat with the doc, he leaves, i get to put some clothes back on and i cry a little. my wife tells me everything will be fine, how good it is that we found this before it was a bigger issue, before we wasted time and money and sperm trying to get pregnant if this is actually a significant issue, and that we know nothing yet. shes very right, this is all true. but my to-do list keeps getting bigger and bigger, and my health issues seem to just keep on multiplying. its pretty frustrating, but i am soooooo thankful that i have great insurance coverage, and hopefully we can afford all of the extra crap i need.

in other aspects of my life, disa's first appointment with the oncologist is scheduled for next month. time to really see what we need to do next. she might need her spleen removed. we shall see. sofia is getting bigger and stronger, cuter and funnier every day. shes a great baby, but sometimes she's quite a handful. right now shes yelling at me from her crib bc she doesnt feel like napping but believe me, she's very tired, and she needs a nap. my wife's birthday was truly lovely other than this doctor crap yesterday. i feel badly that i scheduled it for yesterday. ug.

well i feel a little better putting this all out there, even though no one actually reads this. maybe someday someone will be looking for a blog like this and somehow stumble upon mine, and maybe that person will know they're not alone in their quest for pregnancy. here's to hoping we all get to where we want to be, sooner than later.....

i get into