7dp5dt

mr.sof.tee did obey my mental command last night and i was thrilled to have my Chocolate Merlin for dessert. it was fabulous. my wave of super tiredness passed and i was able to stay up until our regular bedtime at 11, which was good because i would have hated to miss Mad Men.

im starting to lose my mind with all of these faux symptoms. not that ive had that many, but when i think about it, it seems like a lot. ive certainly had many feelings/twinges in the last week in the ute/ovary areas, some brief periods of very slight cramping, fatigue, mood shifts, increased appetite, and now i feel like im starting to break out with these tiny non-pimple bumps on my forehead/face and thats super abnormal for me. so maybe these do add up to a significant number of faux symptoms. its hard not to feel like they all mean something. i keep telling myself that im still on progesterone and estrogen and that this is all probably nothing, not because i want to be pessimistic about the situation, i just don't want to get my own hopes up if we're just going to wind up with another negative. trying to stay in the "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" mindset. oh God how i wish this time would be the time. its getting hard not to test, but i know that if i dont stick to my guns about not testing until at least wednesday ill be shooting myself in the foot. as slow as time seems to go when you won't poas, time essentially stops once you have, no matter what result you receive. at least thats how it feels for me.

speaking of the time, big congrats to Lex. im hoping that her bfp starts off a wave of bfps for the rest of us.

oh, quick question. one of my great uncles passed away over the weekend. we were not super close (maybe i saw him once or twice a year for most of my life, he always lived far away), but he was a lovely jolly generous man. he passed away from a heart attack at 80. i wasn't that upset to hear about his passing. is that wrong? i feel like he lived a good life, enjoyed successes, lived well, and didn't suffer a long and drawn out battle with any major disease at the end of his life. i almost feel like, what more could you ask for? my mom is devastated bc he was her favorite uncle, i feel really bad that she's so upset. but what can you do? old people die, we all will, and new babies have to  be born. in fact, that is exactly where my mind went when i heard he passed, which i feel terrible about. i thought, this is just life, family members pass and new family members will be born, and hopefully the next new family member will be my baby. who knows.

anyway.
qotd 21
5 guilty pleasures
1. junk food. ring dings, candy bars, cheese doodles (JAX - omg)
2. alcohol - vodka in particular. i feel like a  rockstar when i drink vodka and lovedove HATES me when i drink vodka bc i get particularly obnoxious
3. mary j (very rarely prior to ttc, never now, but i do still have feelings for her)
4. LMN. i almost feel like if you dont know what that means i wont tell you, i will anyway. its Life.time Movie Network. occasionally lovedove and i will watch a super terrible movie on that channel. i feel like once in a while you need to watch a really crappy made for tv movie with terrible actors so that you can appreciate good acting in other shows/movies. plus its hysterical to laugh at movies with terrible plot lines.
5. home shopping channels/infomercials. i kind of love them and i always have.

6dp5dt

its seis de mayo and i kind of feel like i drank all day yesterday. i have zero energy. all i want to do is lay around. we went over by my parents today and they bbq'd a bit. i was happy to sit and do nothing while the grandparents fawned over Sofia. i ate some chicken, a hot dog, and a hamburger. then i laid in the grass (its a super duper small backyard) and i almost fell asleep. since arriving home about 2 hours ago ive been on the couch. my eyes are hot and kind of heavy and i feel like i could fall asleep if i went to bed right now (its 7:22). i reallllly want Mr.Sof.tee to come around, he usually shows up around 8, so my fingers are crossed.
 <------- i want this. badly. he needs to get here now. if he doesn't come tonight, my back up dessert is sugar free jello pudding in the fridge. i much rather do some extra insulin and go with a deliciously cold chocolate covered ice cream cone. o god now my mouth is watering.

going to stay strong and not test although ive seen very many images of + hpts via google image searches. i will not test until at least wednesday. the longer i wait the less time i have to freak out until the beta. trying to stay calm.

time for qotd #20.
were you a product of infertility?
nope. my parents went on a babymoon, and here i am.

cinco de mayo

and i didnt have a drink all day, at a cinco de mayo/surprise 30th birthday party. im sure it looked quite suspicious but im pretty sure everyone else was too busy getting drunk to really notice. it was hard not to have a drink, so i had a margarita mix (only) spritzer. it did the trick. not the best tasting virgin drink ever but it made me feel festive for a second. i drank a crap load of seltzer and ate a ton of party food. im still so full.

i  have definitely been feeling weird twinges in my lower abdomen and ovary areas, but im sure its just my body settling back into not-being-over-stimulated-mode though its still enduring extra high levels of hormones. my appetite is also out of control. all i want is greasy fried foods and desserts, lovedove says that is the way she felt too early in her pregnancy, so its either that, or the progesterone, or maybe both. one can hope right?

lovedove had a dream i got my period, i hope that dream doesnt come true next saturday. im trying to stay positive and hopeful, and im planning on filling my week with outings so that friday morning comes before i lose my mind.

qotd
5 pet peeves.


1. unanswered ringing telephones.
2. people who think they're "too cool". bite me.
3. people who have all of the answers/all of the advice in the world about any and every topic possible, even though they have no life experience in those areas.
4. people who breed pit bulls/strive to maintain the breeds (inaccurate) rough/tough/big/mean reputation.
5. people who display excessive pdas.
maybe i dont like people that much. lol.

starting to really feel it

i hate the 2ww. i feel like i did ok for the first few days because it was such a weird situation with lovedove gone. now i've been reading too much on the internet about people saying that they test as early as like 5days after a transfer and that you can get bfps pretty early, but i really dont want to get into any of that. i feel like i have no symptoms because i keep telling myself i have no symptoms. what would even qualify my justify as symptoms, my addiction to sweets/desire for junk food and fatigue? those are symptoms of any day for me.

i feel like blogs and google posts about where im at (4dp 5dt)so that i can generalize everything, make myself part of a group, so that i can feel like im not the only crazy person trying to navigate the seas of infertility. i read some first time success stories with ivf, some first time failures, and then my head gets swayed depending on what i just read. then i try to just tell myself that it totally doesnt matter/has no bearing what on me/our outcome how other people did with their treatments. everyone is different. every situation is different. they should just anesthetize us for the 2ww. we would give our bodies the best chance of being successful and we wouldnt have to go through this torture. what a thought.

hoping that we can enjoy our weekend and that it goes kind of fast. i feel like my week next week should go kind of fast, as it will be my first full week at work in a while. we'll see. my goal is to wait until at least weds, which will be 9dp5dt. i might get cold feet at that point and be afraid of getting a negative on a hpt and just wind up waiting for the beta, but who knows what my nerves will make me do at that point.

qotd 18
favorite infertility relatable quote. 


"even miracles take a little time" - Fairy Godmother, in Cinderella

“If a tree falls in the forest, can anyone hear it? If an infertile bangs her head against the wall in a bathroom at a baby shower, can anyone hear her?”

back to normal.

returned to reality today. lovedove came home and it was the cutest airport scene. the elevator doors opened to the luggage claim area and sofia spotted her mommy immediately. she ran (as fast as she could without falling) right into lovedove's arms.  it was wonderful. we spent some quality time together before i had to leave for work and tonight its back to our normal routine of tv time on the couch. so happy to be back in our daily normalcy, with the exception of being fairly early into our 2ishww. still have a week until the beta test next fri. seriously debating some hpts weds or thurs. i feel completely normal except for my wanting to eat all junkfood. prob the progesterone and estrogen. who knows.

i've been feeling like there really is no pressure on this cycle. i am very comforted by how many embryos they were able to freeze and i feel like even if it takes us more cycles to be successful, we're pretty much set for the next few months. plus our insurance supposedly covers 3 ivf cycles so i feel very well covered. of course i hope  for a happy result sooner rather than later, but all of this really puts me at ease, as much as one can be at ease while being very hopeful during the 2ww.

qotd 17
3 wishes.
1. to like my children in their teens years and adulthood. LOL
2.  to always happy enough in our jobs throughout our lives.
3. to be outnumbered by pitbulls (that get along swimmingly) in our old age (and that they dont get separation anxiety when we travel the world).

my last lonely night

not that im that lonely, the dog certainly takes up enough space in the bed. she manages to take up a good third(+) of the bed on a normal night, so you can imagine how she sprawls out where there is only one mommy in the bed. clearly im thrilled that we're almost done with this ridiculously timed business trip. i cant wait to hug her and smell her, that was always my favorite part of reuniting(she was away  for 2 years in college). i did every single (mostly redeye) airport pick up, gladly. you know how everyone just has a smell, right?

2dp5dt nothing to report today. the random here and there nausea continues, really only once or twice a day for 20 mins, thank you progesterone suppositories. i thought for a second my boobs looked bigger, but im fairly certain they actually dont. the only things i want to eat are crap foods and sweets, but thats probably me just eating my stress. hoping that the little embie decides to act according to the nyu schedule i posted yesterday and will begin to implant tomorrow. today i really started to think about if im going to poas. im pretty against it, as bfns are heart wrenching for me, and those tiny faint positives i had in december are still sitting in my head. i might test a day or two before the beta, but we'll see what i actually wind up doing. one of my coworkers (they're all straight.. which is kind of odd now that i think about it, but i do work at a small and kind of conservative mental health clinic) is also trying to get pregnant. she has endometriosis too, but didn't have a problem getting pregnant with her first, so i kind of feel like we're in a race, even though clearly we're not. id like to come out a winner either way (pregnant, and soon).

qotd 16
Have you ever bonded with someone in real life over infertility even if just for a few minutes? 
I'm racking my brain, but I dont think i have. the only person that i know of that had real difficulty getting pregnant is one of my cousins, but that whole situation was very hush hush. everyone knew she was having trouble, but no one talked about exactly what was going on. she wound up with fraternal twins, so im still wondering how that happened.

1dp5dt

well not much to report here. did my final IM progesterone injection last night and it went even better than the night before. those last 2 i had to do myself which was a little difficult, but i think i over thought the whole thing instead of just doing it. im glad those are over with, but now im moving onto progesterone suppositories. FUN! how much fun you ask? 4x a day fun. i have no problem getting the pill size capsule up there, but i kind of wish that they gave me an applicator or something. i remember when lovedove was on these, she was given a different brand that came with applicators and it was only 3x a day. it really doesnt matter, we all know ill do anything to get to where i want to be. oh the other thing about the progesterone, pretty sure its going to make me nauseous. i battled it for about an hour this morning, which was interesting. it just annoyed me to be feeling queasy this early because now i know even if i do feel nauseous, its probably all just a side effect. i also start my vive.lle patches tomorrow, im interested in seeing what those do to me. ive read in a few different places that women using them get crampy. we'll see. i may have had some slight cramping today, but not much at all.

so my brain has been wondering what exactly should be happening in the next few days if i am going to become pregnant. thanks to the fine folks at NYU Fertility Center i have a much better idea.

i am so hopeful that we'll be successful with this cycle but i am really going to do my best to keep a level head. im going to try to stay neutral telling myself that its not going badly or going great through the 2ww because whatever is supposed to happen will happen.

im super tired of lovedove being out of town. im ready for her to be home. tomorrow im back to reality and back to work. taking the last 4 days off of work was probably the best thing i ever did for my mental health. not that my job is that stressful, but i just didnt want to have to think about anything but my family through this whole process. its been very nice to have sofia's grandparents take the lead role in caring for sofia for the last few days. i feel very well rested and calm, or at least as calm as you can be when your other half isnt around. i know that tomorrow will go really fast and then ill be at work, and once im home from work the day is over and ill just have to get through the morning and then lovedove will be back. i think we're though the hardest part already, it just sucks to be apart during something like this.

my mother is driving me slightly insane today. she does a wonderful job caring for our daughter, but she gives in to Sofia's every desire. sofia is outside for the 3rd time today, not that i mind its beautiful out, but if sofia grabs her shoes and says "out" and walks to the door, my mother takes her out, even if they just came back inside 15 minutes ago. my philosophy on child rearing is to have the child just adapt/be integragted into the adult's plans, not the other way around. i dont want sofia who is all of 20 months old thinking that she calls the shots. i mean she does call a lot of shots, but i dont want her to get used to getting any and everything she wants. maybe im just a moody and angry person today. who knows.

qotd 15
List 5 things you want to do before you die.
1. Pay off my student loans/debt (so that i can go into debt trying to send our children to college, haha - we (pause) are (pause) the 99%, sorry cant help but throw in a little OWS reference with them all over the city today. but seriously we are the 99%, lets tax the billionaires please, thanks).
2. Own a home.
3. See each of my favorite musical artists live at least once (rip Amy Winehouse, that one didnt happen)
4. travel a ton.
5. win something, a big prize or some cash, i think that would be really fun.