who would have thought...

i've been missing being pregnant lately. don't ask me how this happened. i kind of miss being "huge" although i don't think i was that big compared to most pregnant ladies, and i miss my stretchmarks making me feel good about baby's growth. now they just make me feel mostly gross, only proud here and there. i think that i just felt majorly important when i was pregnant, you know? with all of the close care from medical professionals, the constant "how are you feeling"s from everyone friends/coworkers/family, and the mindfulness of the job i was doing, creating a baby every day. people are still asking me how i' feeling which is nice, it just feels obligatory at this point. i've felt a few of the phantom baby "kicks" lovedove used to tell me about, its soo strange when it happens. definitely just a weird gas bubble or some other shift of organs, but holy moly it takes me right back to when little laila was on the inside. i'm so glad she's here and im so glad that i dont have to freak out about my diabetes constantly anymore. don't get me wrong i'm still taking good care of myself, i just have a lot fewer freak outs when my sugar is high bc i know that i can't hurt (not that i ever did hurt her, luckily she came out perfect) the little one anymore. anyway, i do miss it, and the words "i would do it again" came out of my mouth earlier this week. i think i feel this way mostly because giving birth to laila was pretty much the best moment of my life. labor was rough, but giving birth is completely amazing. no more babies for us though, we donated our leftover embies to research which was hard to do, but i totally do not have it in me to donate potential full siblings of laila's to other couples. i would have loved to save them forever, just in case we ever change our minds, but its not do-able financially.

 i dont think that i have the baby blues, i'm pretty happy with life at this point, other than my MiL's cancer of course, but the fact that she's currently taking on chemo round #4 like a champ, yea - i'm happy. we are heading out to california for a family vacation in a week and a half. i cant wait. its going to be so wonderful to have everyone in one place. laila is going to meet all of her family out there and i can't wait to see everyone hold her and kiss her.

i feel like things feel totally different when you're the birth mom. with sofia i couldn't wait to share her with my family, but i think i just felt like the sidekick who had like, babynapped her and made her my own. i know that is completely ridiculous, but i felt so overjoyed to be a mom to this perfect little angel who i did none of the hard work to create. and with laila, i feel so proud to be the person/body who added another member to lovedove's family. i swear i feel like rafiki in the lion king, i'm just going to step out of the car when we arrive at our family's house and hold her above my head, and some amazing california sunbeam will shine down directly on her and our little cousins will cheer. i'm so looking forward to it. plus we're taking sofia to dis.ney.land for the first time. i'm way too excited about that.

anyway i have 15 other things i should be doing. i'm reading along with everyone on days where i actually have a few minutes to sit down and turn the computer on, wishing everyone luck!!!


oh ps, thoughts on renaming this blog.. should i? shouldn't i? do i make a new blog since this isn't a ttc/pregnancy one anymore? i feel like everyone makes a different one, is that the way to go?