Thursday, January 26, 2012

morning tears

no, not happy ones unfortunately. its 8am and ive been crying on and off for an hour. clearly cycle three is a bust. and all i can think is wtf. my boobs were so sore which never happens to this extent and my period is days early. an early period, on clomid? are you shitting me? i feel like a fucking fool. i keep thinking im pregnant and im not. I got my hopes up so high yesterday bc yesterday was 11dpo, and i thought i had implantation bleeding. yes i realized it was a little out of the 7-10dpo window, but i chalked that up to everybody's body being different. getting my period early was not even on my radar of possibilities. so i spotted very lightly all day, pink and brown like everyone says, and today, well at 4 am when i got up to pee, red. fuck. my. life.

please do not mistake my disappointment/sadness/anger as me taking what i already have for granted. i am thankful every single day to have a beautiful family with a perfect little girl for a daughter who is happy and healthy and everything we could have asked for. and i am also well aware that many women travel a crazy long road to get to motherhood, im just so tired already. i've been crazy on top of my sugar since last april. i started my prepregnancy consults in may/june with diabetes in pregnancy specialists, who have since kind of fallen off/out of touch which personally pisses me off. like where is the follow up? why did you not refill my prescription for my prenatals when it was sent to you? what, should i be pregnant already? is it taking too long for you? i feel like these people have forgotten about me completely. yes i know im not pregnant yet, but have they given me a call to see where im at? i understand that they  have a caseload of women already in high risk pregnancies, but i matter too. just pick up the phone and ask me how its going you fuckers, or better yet just fill my rx refill request.
im tired of having my bloods drawn, im tired of worrying about developing more cysts, im tired of endovaginal sonograms, im tired of having to get my baby girl up early to get in the car and drive to monitoring appts, im tired of driving, tired of getting my hopes up to be let down, tired of keeping this a secret from so many people but i really dont want them to know about all of the failures in the moment. god damn im sad today. i just feel like a fool. i feel like somebody died and i feel stupid for feeling that way.

gonna lean on my other mommy friends who had some trouble today. already feeling a little better after texting with one of them. she reminded me that everything happens for a reason, and i truly believe that. i have to remind myself of that. that quote is something that will help me to find peace with each setback. but now there is so much more thinking to do.

what do we do with the last vial we have in storage?
does my body hate this sperm?
should we sell it back to the bank and try to look for a new guy? (which would throw the possibilities of our children being genetically half siblings... something we really wanted)
do i do the next cycle with the one vial we have left, as one last chance and then look for someone else?
will that just be another waste of time and money?
i just want to be pregnant right now.

the only thing that stopped me from waking up in tears is that i had a dream that we dropped Disa (the dog) off at the vet for some small routine procedure, and when i went to pick her up, they gave her body to me in a plastic shopping bag and didnt even explain how she died. it was a very very strange dream. i dont even think i cried in the dream because nothing made sense. and the crazy part is that i take her to a shelter/clinic that i worked at where i know and trust the doctors. it was so strange, i guess in my dream i almost knew it couldnt be real. when i woke up, there she was, laying right next to me, in between my wife and i. she was snoring her snout off, and keeping us cozy and warm. i hugged her a little closer to me even though i cant stand her snooring. i love this face so much!

just got off the phone with my loving wife, and the more i talk about it the more if feel blindsided. i just wasnt emotionally ready to have an answer yet. i thought for sure i would have a longer cycle  bc i did last time on the clomid. i really thought i was pregnant this time. and ive been reading so many blogs with lovely ladies getting their bfps and posting sonos, i really thought it was some wonderful wave that i could catch. i guess its just not my time yet.

gonna just have to grieve this one and try to move forward. will prob listen to this (Grey Street by Dave Matthews Band) a bunch today. my favorite song of theirs and pretty on point today. wishing i didnt relate so much to the lyrics, but trying to understand its just part of the road i have to travel right now....

3 comments:

  1. I just found your blog and wanted to say Hello :-)

    I'm sorry to hear about the bfn and the terrible dream about Disa (who is so adorable, by the way). I hope for happy things in your future. I look forward to following your journey and reading more from you. :-)

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    1. just trying to take things for what they are. thanks for the support, there is certainly much more to come. ill be following your journey as well and we'll certainly all get through these challenging times together!

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  2. I am so sorry. You are doing everything right plus all the extra with your diabetes. Life sometimes, doesn't seem fair. Hope tomorrow gets better. Best of care.

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