2 of hearts...

2 hearts (blueberry's and mine) that beat as one, 2 of hearts, i need you i need you... (a million points if you realize those are 80's song lyrics)

soooooooooo, today we were blessed enough to see the little blueberry's tiny heart beating. to say i was a complete wreck before would be an understatement. i cried a few tiny tears of joy and squeezed lovedove's hand watching the screen. i think that i was in a state of disbelief that the image on the sonogram screen was what is going on in my body. i cant believe i finally have a sonogram picture with my name on it, and visual proof of this new pregnancy. i am so happy right now and i am trying to doing a better job at being relaxed and happy in the moment. i am going to convince myself that there is no reason to worry excessively, unless there is some sign that i should be worried. as long as my breasts continue to make removing a bra momentarily agonizing, i will try not to worry.

as we're so open with our family and friends, i had a million text updates to send, and each one was responded to with congrats and smiley emoticons. i feel very fortunate to have the support system that we have, and that includes this amazing community of women of the blogging world. i truly do feel like we're all a part of one big team and i love that we all take turns rooting for each other. im looking forward to cheering for the ladies who haven't gotten their bfp yet, i know they're coming!

anyway, here's the first glimpse of the blueberry......

next step is to find a high risk dr. have a place in mind, its a practice comprised completely of women. they're local, are affiliated with the hospital i want to give birth at, and my RE knew of them and spoke highly of them when i mentioned them. bing-o. sounds like a win already. ill be making that call tomorrow and hoping that they can get me in there in the next week or two. i really just didn't want to count my chickens (thank God there was only one baby in there) too soon. happy to be graduating from my RE but i will certainly miss all of the staff. they were truly wonderful through the whole process. OH! almost forgot, we asked my RE if we could donate my leftover injectables, and he said no, some legal BS etc. then i spoke with my nurse and she said ( of course they would be able to accept and pass along the unused meds to women who could not financially afford all of the meds in a regular situation) the same thing. wink. yay to paying it forward.

looking fwd to a fun weekend. first pool party at a friend's house this weekend. woohoo! cant wait to get sofia in the water again!

6w6d

(that number is according to my calculations)

as far as im concerned, tomorrow i'll be 7 weeks pregnant. my sonogram is the following day, when my RE will hopefully tell me all that i've been hoping to hear, and will then tell me exactly how pregnant i really am. 

i'm failing pretty hard in my efforts to just feel happy and confident in this pregnancy. i'm preoccupied and worried pretty much constantly. as much as i try not to "stress" things in life, i worry a lot. i've always been afraid of bad things happening. i had/have a huge fear of dying "young". i guess i just have too much planned for my life/there are so many things i've yet to do, that of course i'd be afraid so weird act of fate would step in and id be out of luck too soon. i'm kind of petrified for thursday. i hope that all of this worrying is for nothing. i think i would be a lot more reassured if i was feeling like garbage every day, but im really not. lovedove keeps telling me to try to calm down, maybe im just going to have a great super easy pregnancy. i guess that would be great for most women, and truly in hindsight i may say how wonderful it was if this is in fact a successful pregnancy where i wind up with a healthy baby at the end, but at this point in time i think i'd prefer to be puking daily, and feeling like crap on a constant basis. i guess its due to the fact that i only had 2 betas, and ive had no testing since to confirm that there's still a baby growing in there. maybe i should take one of those crappy pregnancy tests i hate. wait, maybe that sounds like a bad idea. ug, i just wish i could fast forward 2 days.

so in PUPO news, saturday at our little cousin's 4th birthday, a cousin (older than us) who knew i was going through ivf, politely asked where we were at. she started the convo with the obligatory "so i know i shouldn't ask" and ended with "i think i know how things wound up" (prob bc i didn't have a beer all day). all i said was "yes, you know how things wound up" and she was in tears. clearly very mild, hidden from the rest of the party tears, but she was very excited. she hugged both me and lovedove and was very sweet about it. i told her how early it is and how nervous i am and she said she totally understood and wouldn't say anything to anyone. not sure how true that will wind up being, but i really feel like everyone who knows we were trying, already knows im pregnant. i guess thats just the direct result of being so open about our baby making struggles. 

later in the evening, at party #2, the birthday girl, who also knew about our struggles, came over to me after everyone participated in a shot of tequila, except for me. in her slightly drunken comical voice she said "uh, missy, you're not drinking tonight, are you..." and i responded with a quick "no maam" and a smile and she smiled back. its really strange having sooo many people know that i'm pregnant so early. i kind of feel stupid about it, like, im very aware of the risks this early, but i almost feel justified in having the people around me knowing because all im being is honest. god forbid, if something happens, im sure ill be open about it. if things continue to go well, i will surely be open about it. guess im just trying to further my crusade for complete honesty about fertility struggles that way its not such a taboo subject, at least with the people in our life. 

next....

non-alcoholic beer. yesterday i needed to have a beer. im a beer drinker in my non prego life, and a hot summer holiday-day just isn't complete for me without an ice cold beer. so i bought a 6 pack of "non-alcoholic" becks yesterday. on the bottle it says "contains less than 0.5% alcohol. i totally didn't realize that non alcoholic beers still might technically have some amount of alcohol in them. i guess you learn something new everyday. 

i was pleased with it. it seemed a bit sweeter than a regular beer, but could definitely pass. i was happy to see a few different options at my local distributor. not too bad on price either. glad ill have the option to have a cold one every once in a while.

 

symptoms continue to be mild, at least to me. im almost completely uncensored at this point, if i dont like something, im coming out of my face and saying it. according to everyone i saw saturday night at the bday celebration, my boobs are even more out of control than usual, and removing my bra at night is getting more and more painful each night. which to me is a good thing. libido is kind of revved up, which is not me typically. i guess they're not that mild, but they're not reassuring enough to me, at least until i see what i hope to see on thursday, then hopefully they'll be enough for me. i still have twinges, mostly on the left side of my body, some occassional ones on the right, and some mild cramps overall sometimes. oh, the other thing about saturday night. of course our lovely lady friends were taking a few pictures, and i was trying to look as thin as possible so i was trying to suck my tummy in. it felt different, at least near the bottom half of my belly. that made me feel pregnant.

anyway, im praying im still pregnant. i just feel like it is so strange to feel this "good" after such a hard struggle to get to the point of being pregnant. could i have the easiest pregnancy ever in terms of symptoms? is that even possible??

not much news

so i told my coworker, because she told me that she also just found out that she's prego! i knew that we'd be trying at the same time, we talked about it a lot, but i didn't expect that we'd be literally 2 weeks apart. our place is going to fall apart without us for a few weeks, holy moly, thats like 40ish clients that will either be getting a surprise vacation from therapy, or who need to be seen by other therapists... talk about a headache for my admin people. oh well, happy joy for us, we're prego together.

ive been feeling nauseous every morning about 2-3 hours after breakfast, but thankfully it passes really quickly. i feel like ive been really lucky with my lack of annoying symptoms, though i would welcome them to feel more pregnant. my biggest issue right now is my skin. my forehead seems like a mountain range, and certainly not a pretty one. i guess its not that bad, but its certainly worse than what my skin usually looks like. i also think im starting to get more vein-ie on my chest. i still have next to no cm which makes me kind of nervous, but im trying to tell myself that everyone's pregnancy is different.

all this car stuff is getting moving. bought our new insurance policy, we're officially grown-ups now, and im headed to the dmv tomorrow with my dad. i was going to ask my mom to watch sofia, but she said how much fun my dad would have running after her in the dmv. i forget that grandparents usually love the tasks that parents get annoyed with because they do them constantly. im hoping its a fast process.

sono is a week away still. sigh. I JUST WANT TO GET THERE AND SEE WITH MY EYES THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING THE WAY IT SHOULD BE, ARG!! clearly im having a difficult time with my patience. whatever, today is my last day of work for this week (i NEVER work on fridays, one of the perks of part-time-make-your-own-hours-employment) and then we have a 3, well 4 for me, day weekend. im hoping we get some decent weather and i wish someone's pool would be open already. we have no set plans as of today for memorial day but im sure we'll wind up doing something. then just 2 days of work and then its thurs. time should fly right by, right? i hope so.

anyway, loving reading along with everyone's journeys, good luck to you ladies starting ivf, and double congrats again to Roxx!

almost 6 weeks

so im getting there, slowly, slowly. tomorrow i'll be 6 weeks officially, but all of the calculators have me a day ahead (claiming that today im 6 weeks... liars). my gums are a little swollen today which is new. mild fatigue continues, super smelling continues, falling asleep fast continues, oh, and the feeling of fullness started yesterday. i dont think its as noticeable today, but i guess thats because yesterday was the first time i felt it. im also getting those annoying sore at the site pimples here and there. ive only had 2  that id consider that annoying but im wondering what pregnancy will do to my skin. currently i have one on my shoulder thats pretty annoying. whatever.

here in ny its pretty gloomy and supposedly its going to stay gloomy pretty much all week. to make matters worse im stuck in the house until the fedex guy comes to bring me round 2 of my suppositories and baby aspirin. at least its not raining today, not that i mind the rain, i love a good downpour (and can not wait until its warm enough for sofia and i to run around in the rain in the summer)i just dont love the gray hue of the day when its crappy out. i would really like for the guy to come at like.. um.. 11:45, which will hopefully be right when sofia is waking up from her nap and then id like to head out to grab some fruits and veggies and visit my mom for lunch.

my sugars have been pretty steady which im really thrilled about/thankful for bc i have a fucking conniption every time im above 180 for more than like 30 minutes. peanut butter or pb products have seemed to be the culprit each time ive had a problem. since pb is a protein it slows the absorption of sugar into the bloodsteam, which is usually good (prevents spiking* a very fast rise in blood sugar) but it can also delay the rise of blood sugar so that the active time of your insulin may expire before all of the sugars are broken down. its just hard. i feel like if anything goes wrong a way we dont want it to, im going to blame myself. how could i not?  as a diabetic controlling your blood sugar is an annoying and constant job and you dont always have control over what happens. the weight of knowing that if your sugars aren't on point while your baby's major organs are developing is just so much to take in and deal with. i think that things are going well, i try to hang out under 100 most of the time and not to go over 160 when i eat. im doing pretty well with a few difficulties here and there. im just trying to take it day by day, hour by hour.

did i mention that i can not wait to get to this sonogram next week? by that point, according to my calculations ill be 7w1d so im really interested to see what the lentil (not sure how im going to refer to embie over the long haul yet) measures in at. clearly im hoping that all is well and there is a detectable heart beat, spinal pole etc. im kind of dragging my feet on finding an ob, but i just dont feel like its necessary until i see that things are going well on the sonogram. i know it will be kind of late to be finding/meeting with an ob for the first time at 7/8 weeks, but ive been under the close care of my RE this whole time and ive already visited my regular endocrinologist. plus the further along i am in the first trimester, the less they'll be able to scare me with the percentages and statistics about things that go wrong early. im hoping my RE has a nearby recommendation, if not, lovedove did find an all female practice not far from here. sounds right up my alley, only ladies in my alley from here on out, badum ching! oh man, thats the other thing. ive almost completely lost my filter as far as what comes out of my mouth. after my mother-in-laws concert on sunday, lovedove, her pops, and i were waiting outside for mom-in-law. lovedove's dad said something about me having bad taste in something, i cant remember what it was in reference to, but this pregnant genius come back with "we have the same taste in women so i wouldnt be judging my taste in anything". ps lovedove's parents are divorced but still very friendly towards each other. needless to say my little joke wasn't met with any laughing, and overall it was simply awkward. i felt bad about it later. it was just weird weird weird. i usually think odd things but manage to keep them from escaping my mouth. i wonder where that symptom will take me. i hope i dont wind up as the mayor of i-say-really-awkward-things-and-constantly-alienate-those-around-me town. God help me.

i love the blog world, but sometimes i wish i didn't read as much sad/unfortunate stuff as i do. it only makes me crazy. i know as a now pregnant woman that i should just be aware that things like this happen, and in turn be extra super thankful to be preggers, but it just makes me worry so much about what might go wrong.  im just so ready for this baby, i want him/her to stick around and bake for as long as is needed/doable, and then be born a healthy baby. i still rely on my little mantra to keep me calm sometimes and im glad that i started doing that as early as i did. i do actually think it helps.

anyway, crossing my fingers for the ladies trying/testing this week, and hoping that all you pregos are feeling good!

symptoms and randoms

i feel like i have very few of them. the one that strikes me the most is my sense of smell. i can smell everything. sometimes its wonderful, when you pass an eatery and think, oh that smells so good. sometimes its torture. for example, as you may have read i went to my regular endocrinologist on tuesday. im usually a baby in comparison to the other individuals in the waiting room. on tuesday when i walked in, i was met with a pretty much empty waiting room, but the overwhelming stench of elderly ass. im not sure how i know what elderly ass smells like, but im pretty sure thats what this room smells like with a pregnant lady nose. it was strikingly disturbing to say the least.

im not really getting specific cravings yet, but anything that sounds good to eat or looks good, or anything i think of, I WANT, and i want it NOW. this has been rare and is not that far from my non pregnant food cravings.

ive been having cramping probably every day or so. im ok when they're just noticeable but i do tend to get a little nervous when they're strong-ish. i just have to tell myself that my body is doing what it needs to do. ive also had some hints of color on my pantyliner daily. i think its mostly tan tinted, the nurses said to expect that from the progesterone. ive had a little spotting, pink, but pretty rarely, and not a lot. doing my best to stay calm when that happens, i think im doing a decent job.

also, im irritable, sometimes.

i think the thing i love the most is that im falling asleep quickly at night. i feel like i put my head on the pillow, and as soon as i am comfy enough, im out like a light, which is super nice because ive never been that good at falling asleep quickly.


onto the randoms..

1. i forgot to write that during our 2ww, both lovedove and i had dreams that i got bfns.

2. ive seen the justin beiber "boyfriend" video twice in the last 2 days, and i feel like a super old lady watching it. he's what? 18? which means that pretty much everyone in that video is what.. 18-23 which makes the oldest person in that video 5 years my junior? its strange.

3. yesterday was our anniversary and lovedove and i had a wonderful day. she let me sleep in until about 8:45(which was amazing, today im returning the favor), and then we got ready to go to the all-star games for the NYCGBL. we also did dinner, my parents had called to pick up the tab, (thanks mom and dad!), and then we went to the movies to see the dictator. it was hysterical and a little offensive, pretty much par for the course for sasha baron cohen.

4. sofia has always had an obsession with shoes. it was probably one of her first words. now she's big enough to put her feet in ours and shuffle around the house. i love every second of it.

5. we're getting a new used car from my dad. he gets a new business car every 4 years, so he gives his "old" one to one of his daughters. my sister got the last one in 2008 because they bought me my hyundai in 2003. so, i guess its my turn again. we'll be inheriting a 2008 honda accord in wonderful condition. a few minor issues here and there but clearly a large gift. i kind of have mixed feeling about it because i absolutely love my car. granted its 10 years old now, but it has been such a good car. no huge issues, lots of flat tires and headlight changes, but thats about the worst of it. its a small sedan that was always able to haul everyone and anything, and was small enough to fit into tight spots. according to the specifics i just looked up, the accord will only be a foot and a half larger than  my current car, but im not sure thats true. we'll see. once we get this car, we'll officially be complete adults bc our parents have paid our car insurance to date, and this will mark the end of that. luckily for us we found a great quote through geico because lovedove is a teacher. thank god, car insurance in ny can be so insane. so long story short, ill be heading to the dmv at least once in the next few weeks (SHOOT ME). i might try to talk my dad into going out to long island bc dmvs in queens are terrifyingly packed and slow as shit, always.

this is too long and sofia is getting antsy.

hope all of you ladies are doing well!

day 30 !!

so i made it through 30 days of daily blogging (i only cheated and skipped one day, which i still feel bad about) and i dont think i want to blog on a daily basis ever again. im glad ive made it to the end, i just want to get this over with so here is the final qotd, #30.
Give us a link to one of your favorite non-infertility sites, or tell us about your favorite distraction activity/feel good movie/book etc. 
one of my favorite non infertility sites is SheWired although i really dont spend that much time on the computer other than blogging/reading blogs/fb-ing and checking email.
as far as distraction options, i prefer movies. particularly movies that don't involve babies or pregnancy, which leads me to children's movies. One of my favorite children's movies is Enchanted. I love Amy Adams, but i truly love the whole movie. true love, animal companions, funny wonderful songs, and susan sarandon as the evil queen, what more could you ask for?! i smile through 90% of this movie every time i watch it. i love it so much, i highly recommend it!

yay! thats the end of that!

so my super faint staining seems to have ended, although im still checking like a lunatic every time im in the bathroom. i went to lunch today with my sister and her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's sister, who i was meeting for the first time. my sister had told the both of them that i was pregnant (because my sister and my mother are not good at not sharing) and so they congratulated me. i thanked them about the congrats and then continued to say how nervous i was and how  much time there was for shit to go wrong. after that conversation, i was like, i must seem like a total fucking lunatic. however, i do totally think that women/people who haven't had infertility issues themselves and/or don't know anyone who has had infertility issues, dont give healthy pregnancies a second thought. i believe that they assume, that once you're pregnant, that's it, only thing to worry about is behaving properly for your pregnancy. after i got over my momentary weirdness, i remembered reading Roxx's blog at Bangkok Baby Project and her refusal to stress over the wellbeing of her pregnancy. she's right, because what's going to happen is going to happen and there isn't anything we can do truly. so i am trying to take that experience, and remember that i just want to be happy and thankful not only when people congratulate me, but all day every day. its going to take some work to get there, but i think i can do it. enough stressing already, i need to cut the crap.

i had to order more baby aspirin and progesterone today, and i also placed an order for a larger box of finger condoms. with shipping i got almost 5x as many for less than the cost of a box of 30 at my local cvs. my sonogram is two weeks away from today, and im thinking im going to take that night off from work. why not right?

so anyway, ill be blogging less, but reading everyone's stories every day. keeping my fingers crossed for ladies who have conceived long ago, recently, and those still ttc. i want to thank everyone for all of the encouragement and congrats i've received so far and i'm going to be sure to keep passing the love on.

ive got to get a move on, have to leave for work in an hour and there are many things to be done!

adios ladies!

5w or 5w1d

(according to what i think, today is 5 weeks, according to everything i put my due date into, today is 5w1d. whatever, it doesn't make a difference but i just wish it all said the same thing.)

i decided to call my RE's office just to talk to them about the very light staining i've been having. to be honest it's 2-3x per day and very very light pink. i drove myself completely crazy yesterday reading stupid threads about half of the women saying its fine and totally normal, and the other half saying how it led to disaster for them. i spoke with one of my favorite nurses who said that it's nothing to be overly concerned about. she tried to reassure me that it is most likely from doing the suppositories so often everyday and as long as its not accompanied by "constant painful cramping"(i did tell her ive been cramping off and on) and it does not get any worse, I should be fine. that was all i needed to hear. that is exactly the answer i was hoping to receive and my insane paranoia has subsided for now. i worked myself into such a frenzy yesterday because occasionally the cramps are kind of strong, but they usually pass moderately quickly. im hoping that everything i'm feeling is just normal growth stuff and everything is just fine. my ultrasound is 2 weeks from tomorrow, which seems like a million years away. luckily we have a bunch of stuff to do this weekend. saturday we are going to one of our favorite fancy wine bars to celebrate our 5 year anniversary. it will be fine for me to not have any wine, though i do love wine with delicious food, and im reallllllly looking forward to whatever we eat. the food there is always phenomenal. the following day my mother in law's oratorio society is performing their spring concert, so we'll be attending.

then next week will come and go with the normal routine, and then next saturday we have 2 events. a 4th birthday party way out in long island, and then the second is a 30th at night that i really want to go to. the bar the party is going to be at is supposedly known for its dance atmosphere later in the evening and im really hoping that i have the energy to go out. i haven't been out dancing in forever, and i have been wanting to go for months. as if suspicions weren't high enough at the last 30th i didn't drink at on cinco de mayo, im sure people will notice my seltzer with a lime as opposed to my usual beer, if they aren't tanked when they get to the bar. whatever, im sure all of my friends know somehow. it doesn't matter. i'm just not sure how i'll hold up even if i do go out. im hoping ill find some energy and they'll start the dancing at a decent hour and i'll just get swept up in the music. fingers crossed.

qotd 29 (almost done!)
what is your favorite book?
well, this isn't hard for me because as i've admitted before i'm not a big reader. i think my favorite book is Wicked. although i did absolutely love tina fey's book Bossypants. I really enjoyed it because it was hysterical and i guess it kind of reminded me of reading blogs. i should look into reading books by more comedians.