Thursday, March 14, 2013

who would have thought...

i've been missing being pregnant lately. don't ask me how this happened. i kind of miss being "huge" although i don't think i was that big compared to most pregnant ladies, and i miss my stretchmarks making me feel good about baby's growth. now they just make me feel mostly gross, only proud here and there. i think that i just felt majorly important when i was pregnant, you know? with all of the close care from medical professionals, the constant "how are you feeling"s from everyone friends/coworkers/family, and the mindfulness of the job i was doing, creating a baby every day. people are still asking me how i' feeling which is nice, it just feels obligatory at this point. i've felt a few of the phantom baby "kicks" lovedove used to tell me about, its soo strange when it happens. definitely just a weird gas bubble or some other shift of organs, but holy moly it takes me right back to when little laila was on the inside. i'm so glad she's here and im so glad that i dont have to freak out about my diabetes constantly anymore. don't get me wrong i'm still taking good care of myself, i just have a lot fewer freak outs when my sugar is high bc i know that i can't hurt (not that i ever did hurt her, luckily she came out perfect) the little one anymore. anyway, i do miss it, and the words "i would do it again" came out of my mouth earlier this week. i think i feel this way mostly because giving birth to laila was pretty much the best moment of my life. labor was rough, but giving birth is completely amazing. no more babies for us though, we donated our leftover embies to research which was hard to do, but i totally do not have it in me to donate potential full siblings of laila's to other couples. i would have loved to save them forever, just in case we ever change our minds, but its not do-able financially.

 i dont think that i have the baby blues, i'm pretty happy with life at this point, other than my MiL's cancer of course, but the fact that she's currently taking on chemo round #4 like a champ, yea - i'm happy. we are heading out to california for a family vacation in a week and a half. i cant wait. its going to be so wonderful to have everyone in one place. laila is going to meet all of her family out there and i can't wait to see everyone hold her and kiss her.

i feel like things feel totally different when you're the birth mom. with sofia i couldn't wait to share her with my family, but i think i just felt like the sidekick who had like, babynapped her and made her my own. i know that is completely ridiculous, but i felt so overjoyed to be a mom to this perfect little angel who i did none of the hard work to create. and with laila, i feel so proud to be the person/body who added another member to lovedove's family. i swear i feel like rafiki in the lion king, i'm just going to step out of the car when we arrive at our family's house and hold her above my head, and some amazing california sunbeam will shine down directly on her and our little cousins will cheer. i'm so looking forward to it. plus we're taking sofia to for the first time. i'm way too excited about that.

anyway i have 15 other things i should be doing. i'm reading along with everyone on days where i actually have a few minutes to sit down and turn the computer on, wishing everyone luck!!!

oh ps, thoughts on renaming this blog.. should i? shouldn't i? do i make a new blog since this isn't a ttc/pregnancy one anymore? i feel like everyone makes a different one, is that the way to go?

Saturday, March 2, 2013

7 weeks old

things are going well over here. this is way overdue, i keep wanting to post but free time is so scarce lately. plus i just went back to work this week, so the last thing i want to do when we have calm night-time time when the kids are resting is try to think clearly. i just want to veg out and watch tv with lovedove.

laila is getting bigger and bigger and i feel so proud. breastfeeding is the most rewarding thing i've ever done. every ounce that she gains, i know that i gave that to her, and my body didn't just do it automatically like it did while i was pregnant. this is a choice im making and its the right choice for me. i know im giving her the best nutrition possible and im proud of myself for taking on that responsibility. im hopeful that i'll be able to keep up with her needs when i start to have long evenings at work, but only time will tell, and i can only do my best. if i wind up having to supplement a little once in a while, so be it, and i'll just have to do my best not to flip out about it. we've been getting better as she's been getting stronger and more experienced, and i experience much less discomfort while feeding her.

i had a super proud mommy moment when i fed her in the mini restaurant at ikea last weekend. we sat in a corner and i nursed her under one of her muslin blankets. ps we LOVE these blankets and have heavily relied on them with both girls. they're great for everything (except for tight swaddles, i use receiving blankets for that bc they seem to hold tighter). these blankets are sofia's only "lovey" thing, and for her it doesnt matter which one it is. i'm so thankful for this, i was attached to my teddy bear "teddy" (creative name i know ::eyeroll::) and boy oh boy did he take a beating over the years. anyway, they're a bit pricey for blankets but i think they're worth every penny. then i nursed her when we were out to dinner last night whcih was more challenging and resulted in some soreness today but i still feel proud of myself for breastfeeding in public. i think its important. i feel like im part of some back to basics mom movement or something.

oh, its official. Laila is as bad at binkys as humanly possible, while still qualifying as a binky baby. She doesn't spit them out on purpose, and gets upset when she loses them, but omg she is the worst. She is so good at being a terrible binky sucker its actually pretty funny, but its also incredibly frustrating for us. She falls asleep best right after nursing (clearly) with a binky and sometimes without one, but she usually has a binky to go to sleep. You have no idea how many times,she has been in her cosleeper/swing/bouncer/carseat and we'vehad to givevher the binky back. Honestly I have no idea either, I probably can't count that high. We've tried several different types of binkies, we try to make it as easy as possible for her to keep a binky in her mouth, nothing has done the trick. I'm wondering when she will develop this skill, in the meantime ill keep replacing it.

The reason I care about her having a binky at all is bc I don't want her sucking her thumb. I did that until an embarrassing age (still in the single digits though) and I know it played a huge role in my teeth needing braces, so I would like to be able to take a binky away from her at an appropriate age as opposed to her favorite sucking aparatus being permanently attached to her hand.

hmm what else... we just got our new stroller. im really excited. its the joo.vy cabo.ose ultralight. the only thing i dont love about it is that sofia didn't like the extra seat that you can buy for the back, and the bench seat option on the back of the stroller does not give her a lot of room when the car seat is attached in the front. i'll love it more when laila is a few months older and we can just put her in the front seat. sofia will have a lot more room. luckily its still pretty cold out so we're not walking around too much, but we took it on its maiden voyage yesterday at target. its lovely to push, very smooth, and folds up to be just a little bigger than our original single snap and go.

work this week was fine, i honestly felt like i had never left. i didn't have much anxiety about going back, and though i jumped back into a full schedule, it wasn't too bad. im glad to be making money again and i will be a very happy camper when i get my first paycheck in a week and a half.

the money will definitely come in handy, even though we did really well living on the money we saved during my pregnancy, since we're heading to california to see family for a week. heading out there bc my MiL's chemo has been going well, as she is responding well. i can't imagine a person not needing a vacation after undergoing 3 rounds of chemo in 3 months. she still has more ahead, but im so glad she's handling everything so well. im sure it will be very emotional, but very good to be there. my SiL will also be joining us, along with lovedove's dad who rarely travels. cant wait, i also can't believe i'll only be back to work a month and taking time for vacation. whatever, we all need it. plus the family there will get to meet laila. cant wait. oh! and we're taking sofia to for the first time!! She is going to lose her mind, im so excited, there is nothing like a day at dis.ney.

sofia starts swim class this week, and laila has her 2 month check up on friday. at her one month check up she was 8lbs even, so im hoping for another big gain. shes smiling a lot more and cooing and stuff, so cute. she was getting up only once per night, but since going back to work its now two times, but im not complaining. she pretty much goes right back to sleep after a change and an eating session. thank goodness. she got really fussy two days this week. the first day i was kind of stumped, i had no idea what her problem was or how to help her, but by the second day i realized she was getting really overtired, and the lightbulb in my head went on and i realized she wanted to be swaddled to nap. i guess she's getting a little dependent on the swaddle, but i dont care. its a good thing in the winter bc it keeps them toasty, i'm hoping the dependence fades by summer.. we'll see.

anyway, im closely following all of the ladies stimming and getting ready for their transfers. wishing you all the best of luck!

will try to update again soon!