Wednesday, February 29, 2012

did i mention bumps in the road?

i did, right? i said how i've already hit several, and how i hoped i wouldnt hit m/any more? well guess what everyone... we've hit another one. completely unrelated to my in/fertility, body, doctors, etc. when ill be ovulating in april, when we would have done an egg retrieval and a transfer, is precisely the week that the room they use to do these procedures at my doctor's office is closed for scheduled maintenance/sterilization/etc. fuck me. honestly. and i know that in the grand scheme of things just one more month wont really matter, but why the fuck didnt anyone tell me that we might run into a scheduling problem in april? it would have been helpful to mention that when i was scheduling 6 appts in 16 days to try to squeeze all of the prep visits into march so we would be ready for april.

im just so angry to be blindsided again. i cried my eyes out again yesterday (briefly), it was a combination of rage, frustration, and impatience. like i said, i know in the long run i wont care, but it just seemed like things were going to work out just perfectly if i was able to have a successful try in april. my wife would have been off from work and able to accompany me to the egg retrieval & transfer, and then if all went well we'd have a healthy baby in december, right around when she is off for 2weeks. pushing the first try back to may, according to my fertility friend mobile app, we'd find out if im preggers on or right before our 5 year anniversary. which would either be the best thing ever and God would be laughing in my face about how hard we tried to plan everything and him giving us that miracle on our anniversary would be funny and wonderful, or a very sour note right around our anniversary. clearly, we're crossing our fingers that there are no more obstacles or timing mishaps, and that we're able to try in may, and get good news later in may.

its obvious to me that ive had a day to handle the news as yesterday i was feeling pretty shitty. nothing put this brief timing obstacle in perspective for me more than a coworker's story (about a friend of hers). she tells me she has the saddest story ever to tell me, so i tell her not to tell me. she tells me anyway. her friend gave birth to a full term baby girl early in february. right after the baby was born it was clear she would have some issues. long story short, she was born with many congenital defects and her organs were not functioning properly. she passed away at just a few weeks old. my coworker went to the wake/funeral. i was almost balling. how can anyone live through something like that?? ill trade any long road i need to travel to never have to go through something like that, or even know anyone who goes through something like that. holy moly. rest in peace little angel. oh my god. what a horror.

so anyway, ill just have to wait a little longer to give this ivf thing a go. ive got a ton of fun stuff to keep me busy in the meantime, and a wonderful family to surround me and remind me of the wonderful things in my life already. i just have to keep telling myself its not a "waste of time" because i should just be living my life in the meantime, not waiting and waiting and doing nothing but waiting. its just hard because next month i will have have this as my primary goal in life for an entire year. working each day to get my sugars to where they need to be, dr visits, etc. whatever, right? im doing a good job planning and checking things off my list. one thing that will probably take a very long time to check off.... develop a higher level of patience.

Monday, February 27, 2012

.... and we're back!

after a 2 week hiatus from blogging, im starting to settle back into the daily grind. we arrived home from our trip to PDX on saturday morning at 6am and since then we've been trying to get back onto ny time. we're pretty much there, although Sofia is trying to make the most of the "jet lag" excuse as little missy didn't want to go to bed until almost 10pm last night. it was fine, she probably just wanted to see as many Oscar dresses as possible. she's a little fancy pants, and i'm really not sure where she gets that from. its certainly not me lol. my wife gets fancy occasionally, but this little one consistently puts on a necklace and a wristlet to push one of her stuffed animals in her baby doll stroller. she is so funny i cant even begin to tell you. she'll be 18 months on saturday and holy moly, the time has absolutely flown. it usually doesnt seem it day to day, but it goes so fast. believe me when i tell you. people told me before i was a parent, and i believed them, but i had no idea how fast they meant. you'll see (if you havent already).

our trip was absolutely fabulous. we packed a lot of activities into the first days of the trip and kind of tired ourselves out by the end, but it was wonderful family time spent in a new place. i loved the "green" atmosphere and the people there were very friendly and kind. kind of lacking diversity though. i like a much more colorful mix in a neighborhood and the neighborhood lines seemed to be pretty clearly drawn. not important to focus on for me though, i was just a visitor. i fell in love with a local grocery store , a hair cutting spot that gives you free beer while you wait, and a self serve fro-yo place that was better than any other ive ever been to, so many topping options!!! i was in love. in the land of the hipsters we stuck out like sore thumbs (i think) but we truly had a fantastic trip. i was able to mostly let go of any ttc anxiety and i did a whole lot less thinking than i usually do.

so, back to the ttc journey. march is filled with appointments, 6 in the next 16 days to be exact. bloods this friday, (next week) water sonogram monday, endometrial biopsy on tuesday, ivf "orientation" tuesday night, appt at diabetes in pregnancy center thursday, then the "re-visit" with the fertility social worker the following wednesday. not to mention that saturday basketball starts this week (cant wait) and Sofia's swimming classes start next monday (also cant wait). we are going to be so busy. we also have to get in touch with the insurance company to make sure they'll cover my ivf medications the way they are supposed to, im not dealing with any of that run around shit like we had last time with the trigger shot. and then i think the last thing is to purchase a back up vial of sperm just in case the thaw with Sofia's donor doesnt go well. hopefully we dont need it at all, but whatever will be will be. thats all you can tell yourself when you've got no control in a situation. im excited that we have a plan, im just hoping there arent too many more bumps in the road. i feel like we've hit a million in just 7 months. maybe everything will go perfectly from here on out? lol, one can only wish.

im sure im forgetting things i wanted to put in here but these are 2 i actually remember. first i wanted to say that i cant believe that i now have "followers". did you read that? multiple. more than one. i feel like a "real" blogger now. im so happy that people are reading this and i hope people are finding it helpful/something to comiserate with/etc. thank you thank you thank you to anyone who reads this blog. even though i have no idea who you are(i mean some of you i have an idea, because i read your blogs), it helps me to feel that my feelings are validated just by knowing that people took the time out to read a piece of my story.

i want to end with some positive looking news...  The Cornfed Feminist is looking like she may finally have gotten through her 2YW (2 year wait) for her bfps! i keep saying, we'll all get there. she's looking like she's got the latest proof.

hope your monday is going great, keep your heads up ladies :o)

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

ivf it is

got the call yesterday that my insurance company has approved ivf for me. yay!! they have however denied icsi, and assisted hatching. i have a lot of trouble with how expensive this whole process is going to be despite having wonderful amazing insurance coverage, we're not a family that makes a ton of money. we're a duo made up of a public school teacher and a part time social worker. we do have a little money on the side, saved specifically for family creation, so, um, so there i guess. i know ill get over the money of it very soon, because i am well aware that i just need to focus all of my thoughts on super prepping for pregnancy now, its just a hard pill to swallow. my wife's process was the simplest, fastest, easiest thing ever. i just feel like the one who costs our family all of this time and money. but, alas, this is something that is non negotiable for me. i want to experience a pregnancy, and birth a baby more than anything in this world, and if this is the road we need to go down to get there, then so be it. ivf it is.

with that im off to start on the to-do list my doctor gave me last night when we spoke. i need to (unfortunately) get back in touch with the diabetes in pregnancy program that has already given me so much frustration, because he wants me to get their clearance again. its been 4-6 months since they did any evaluation of my physical health. so i have to call and make an appt and i guess eventually ill voice my gripes about feeling abandoned with the lack of follow up. i wish there was another place to turn to, but i refuse to go into Manhattan as i know ill be visiting often once i am pregnant. the only other option is even further away from home than this place is, and i dont want to be hauling sofia longer distances than i need to.

next i need to get cleared with the billing dept at my doctor's office, and sign up for an ivf orientation, which is only offered tuesday nights, at their far away location, at 6pm. at least it will be a night off from work for me. whatever. i need to do what i need to do.

so those are the things on my do to do list. did i mention i lost my wallet over the weekend? yea, shoot me. such a pain in the ass to cancel all of my credit cards, order new medical insurance cards, and sort out my bank stuff. no fun at all.

oh yea, almost forgot today is valentines day!  Happy Valentines Day everyone! Sofia and i are going to have lunch with my Dad, Sofia's "Pops", in a few so i better get her down to nap soon. 

** if you are not up for really bad news do not continue. i dont mean to end this (Valnetines day) post on such a sad note, but this broke my heart.

 heard the saddest news every on friday night, about kaci & cory from the real L word. my wife and i both cried, more than once. what a horrifying story. my heart goes out to them and i hope that time and support helps them find a way to heal and try to put their lives back together. the details of their tragic loss is chronicled here(their blog). there simply are no words that fit a situation like theirs. my heart just breaks for them.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

skipping a month sucks

my brain wasnt working when i posted earlier this week (besides the fact that my posts have been somewhat unorganized and crappy lately, not that they're ever that good, im just saying) i was thinking that i wasn't ovulating until next week. well thanks to my ewcm, im well aware that i am probably ovulating today and ive just kind of been a little bummed about it. dont get me wrong, im happy that my body ovulates on its own, im aware some women need assistance just to get their bodies to ovulate, but i guess i was doing so well at distracting myself that the physical reminders of where im at in my cycle are just taking their toll on my mood a bit. this is usually such an exciting time in the cycle bc its usually insemination time. i feel like im just so used to being optimistic and hopeful around now. sigh.

im still waiting to hear back from the doctor about what the insurance company has said regarding my situation. its hard to wait, but i feel like im getting better at waiting since ive practiced so much in the last few months. sofia has been keeping me on my toes as usual, but a little more now since she is realizing that now has the ability/balance to run. i always wonder how old she'll be when our next baby joins the family, and how ill manage to juggle the both of them at home during the day by myself. but i guess as sofia gets older, she'll only get more independent. a few people in my family have been able to juggle multiple small children under the age of 3, so i've certainly seen it done first hand, its just an intimidating thought for me.

i really feel like this week has flown since i took monday off, and i havent really left the house much this week. sometimes i get so lazy, plus we just got a new cable provider so all i want to do is check out all of our new channels and watch movies. i really try not to put the tv on much at all during the day with sofia around. we watch an hour of sesame street and then i turn it off. sofia and disa are starting to play more with eachother which is awesome, because that means sofia will torture disa less(aka bother her/chase her away whenever disa has found a nice comfy spot on one of the couches). hoping the weekend flies by too.

getting our taxes done in hopes that by using a professional we'll be able to get the adoption tax credit  we are legally entitled to. then heading to a distant cousin's basketball game, havent seen her since she was little but she's apparently a big star on the local high school womens basketball circuit. she actually just committed to the University of Pennsylvania which is a division 1 ivy league school so it sounds like she did pretty damn well for herself. i wish we could have stayed in touch while she was growing up but there was a LOT of family friction both before and after my grandmother died, and once she was gone our connection to this little cousin was too. but hoping to see her and share some smiles. clearly im excited to see her in action.

then having lunch with a friend who i havent seen regularly since hs. my 10 year reunion is in march and there are so many reasons not to go, but i feel like i should. we'll see. obviously im having some anxiety about that.

anyway, it stinks that i dont have much fertility/progress news, but hopefully i will have something to talk about soon.

so glad that ladies who have gotten their bfps are doing just great in their pregnancies. reading their stories is keeping a smile on my face and hopeful/optimistic thoughts in my head.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

birthday summary

my birthday (and my birthday celebrations) are officially over. im exhausted. friday the girls came over as planned, i had a blast, everyone was gone by 1, nothing crazy, but a wonderful time for sure. saturday everything went pretty much perfectly. dropped Sofia and Disa at my parents at 2ish, drove to the hotel, jumped in the hot tub, took a nap, got ready for dinner, had a fabulous meal at the steak house IN the hotel. sooo perfect, no coats needed, no transportation needed, and a quick elevator ride back up to the room. the meal was great and so were the drinks. neither of us slept well, i guess we're just getting old-ish and too used to our super comfy bed. despite all of my worry, both the baby and the dog behaved wonderfully during their 24 hour stay at G-Ma & Pops place. it was so wonderful to get away together, even if it was only for 24 hours total. it was long enough for us. i guess that trip will last us another 4-5 years lol.

sunday was the super bowl and we went to my in-laws to watch the game. grabbed a Crave Case from White Castle <3 and we dogged the whole thing between the 5 of us (4 adults plus Sofia). i was happy to see the Giants win, and the game was great from start to finish. super exciting football. the last of the birthday festivities was a night off from work(last night), and a dinner with my wife, sister, her bf, and my parents at another fancy shmancy steak house. despite all of us needing to burn the midnight oil to make it to an 8pm dinner reservation (my sister worked until 7pm), the food was great and so were the drinks, and we all had a great time together. tons of laughs and smiles, and we all went home with tremendous doggy bags.

i've eated so much high quality food, and so much crap food in the last few days, i feel like i should go on a cleanse (after we finish the cake and cookies that are still leftover). im pretty sure that i have the biggest sweet tooth of any diabetic ever, BUT i keep my sugar very well controlled/do a ton of insulin when needed. plus i only eat like this on holidays/birthdays, but most of the time im a healthy eater. at least thats what i consider myself.

in infertility still waiting to hear back from the doctor, and i dont really expect to hear from them until late next week at the earliest. he said that we probably would not receive an answer from the insurance company until after i had ovulated next, which is next week. so im continuing to just try to let february go, and at this point im almost completely fine with it. i just hope that we have an answer or two as to where we're headed next by the end of the month. so for now im left to just count my blessings and live on the new happy memories made over this past week. before i know it, we'll be on a plane to Portland, and visiting my sister in law. im so excited to go to a new place, to see new things, and meet my sister-in-law's potential in-laws. it should be a fun and interesting trip, PLUS she was able to get the whole week off so we'll get to spend almost all of our time with her. this trip will be so good for our hearts and minds.

ps, i got sooo many bday wishes on fb, it really is touching. most days i talk about how evil fb is bc of all of the drama that is able to be created/expand/blow up, but on birthdays i feel it is truly a great thing. the birthday person gets showered with love and happy wishes from close friends, family, people you  havent seen in years, etc. yesterday when it was my turn, i couldnt believe how many people took the time to write 3 words and make me smile. i really appreciated it and it will keep me smiling through this week.


Wednesday, February 1, 2012


well at least its started. the month that will most likely be filled with waiting, just to hear from the insurance company about how we are going to proceed. however, we've got a few things on the calendar including..... drum roll please..... a 5 day trip to Portland, OR! My wife's sister is out there and typically we only see her when she comes home for Christmas/once a year. We had planned on going to visit at some point this year, but things just worked out so well to do a trip, well, pretty much right now. We found some phenomenal fares for the air travel, the week off for schools for President's week was perfect, AND our need for a literal vacation after 5 months of surgery/recovery/trying told us that we just needed to get the hell out of here. so ill miss work for a week, but the wifey is off, Sofia has no plans, and all we've got to figure out is the dog situation. hopefully between my sister, my  in laws, and a few friends we can arrange something. somehow it always works out.

as for birthday plans, i emailed a few friends pretty last minute, and luckily a few of them are free. so it should be a lovely little gathering on friday night, some bubble time saturday/sunday morning, and then the super bowl! im one of those lesbians that lovessss football. im not so much interested in the million dollar commercials and all of that crap, just give me great football. plus, im a NYer so i have to root for the Giants. im a JETS fan and always will be, but (1) i HATE the patriots and (2) ill always root for a NY team in a big game. so this weekend looks like it should be great, and im smiling thinking about it.

yesterday i was a lot less glum than i was on monday, but that was the first day i had really been alone with my thoughts and feelings about all of this new stuff since friday. so, it seems like its getting better/easier to deal with already, and truly, each day will get me closer to knowing something, and then we'll figure out where to go from there.

yup. we'll figure out where to go from there. the end.