Monday, April 30, 2012

2ww time

embie #1 is locked and loaded. (substitute) dr said that the embie was a "very good" one, and 5 were able to be frozen as of today. he also said that there are still a few that they are watching and they may freeze a few more tomorrow. i am just relieved that he spoke highly of the one they chose, and we have a few more if we need to try again. it kind of takes the pressure off. the transfer was pretty fast, less uncomfortable than i had imaged. i guess that i managed the full bladder thing just fine, and the sonogram wasnt too bad. the tech kind of just found the spot she needed to be at and applied strong and constant downward pressure. this allowed the the dr to see the tip-of-a-pen sized dot that apparently was the end of the catheter in my uterus. once they were ready to transfer the embie, she had to apply even more pressure, but it was done within a minute or two. they only had me lay down for 5 minutes after the transfer before they let me get up to pee. they're very nonchalant there sometimes and i appreciate that. they always say "dont worry, its not going to fall out" and i always chuckle politely. do people actually worry about sperm and/or an embryo falling out of their uterus? the whole thing just makes me laugh.

so now my biggest battle/activity will be managing my sugar as best as i can. today has not been a good day at all and i want to slam my head up against a  brick wall bc im running so high. ive been above 200 for the last 3 hours(which is atrocious for me and super atypical), and ive done so much insulin that it doesnt make sense. all i want to do is lie down and relax but what ill need to do is get up and walk around the neighborhood once i finish this post. i already did some very brief and very light exercise a little over an hour ago, but that did little to nothing. usually it helps to "jump start" the insulin and get things back to where they need to be. im super frustrated and stress doesnt help sugar levels either. it just doesnt make any sense and i cant find anything online that says there is any clinical significance to ivf transfers and any effect on blood sugar. urrrgggggggg. again, a moment where i feel like the only type 1 ivf patient alive.  the only reason why im hesitating on roaming around the neighborhood is bc there is still so much insulin "on board" (in my system but not actively working on breaking down the sugar yet) that im afraid if i do get up and start really exercising, my sugar will plummet and go too low, which isnt healthy either. diabetes is a non stop balancing act where there are no constants, no rules, no guarantees, and sometimes i have a really hard time accepting that. in any case, i know that today's blood sugar readings will most likely not make or break a successful outcome on this cycle, as im well aware that women who are not reproductively challenged get crazy drunk before they know they're pregnant and their babies turn out fine. i hope this turns out fine, and if it doesnt i hope i dont blame myself.

hang on my cgm/dexcom now says its finally on the decline, gonna check..... well my first check was on a finger that i did not clean with an alcohol swab and i almost had a heart attack/did have a minor one bc it said i was at 335. it lied, well it didnt, but i let it lie to me bc i didnt do what i should have done in the first place. i got up washed my hands and then cleaned with alcohol and its 240ish. still way too high but on its way down finally. i feel like the worst diabetic ever putting that high of a number listed publicly but i think once i do get pregnant this blog will shift significantly from ttc-land to diabetes management-land. you've been warned. anyway my glucose level is on it's way down, i should probably try to relax now.

qotd 14
funniest meds/injectables mood swing story.
i dont think that i have any funny mood swing moments. i had a mean moment when lovedove was getting ready to give me an IM injection and i was apparently too ready. she was asking me if i wanted her to do a countdown and another question about what would make me the most comfortable and i kind of just yelled at her to "do it already". it was very insensitive to her as a partner and i felt really bad afterwards, although i hope we can look back on it and laugh one day. what a jerk, right?

 i think i got moodier as i was closer to the end of my stim meds but nothing too crazy. as far as other side effects my appetite has been weird and my body temperature seems to have been kind of low as i have been cold often. nothing funny there, oh well.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

thoughts and thoughts and more thoughts

thoughts about this morning... lovedove left and has already arrived safely at her destination. i thought i would be way more emotional when we dropped her off, but i was kind of cold and detached. i almost feel like it was better that way. sofia on the other hand got upset when lovedove kissed her goodbye and closed the back passenger door. when i reentered the car after giving a quick hug and kiss, sofia was already half crying and calling "mama, mamaa". it broke my heart. i told her mommy had to go to work, which is the truth, i just didnt tell her that work would be a few days long instead of a few hours long. to try to put a smile back on her face i took her to McDonal.ds for breakfast. One of our local McD's has a "birthday train" and it is kind of just like one of those quarter machine rides, except its stationary and oversized, and its made out of small booths that are back to back. only the first and last booth have any train extension if that is understandable at all. we were able to have a seat in the first booth, a half booth, with just the bench to sit on and the table located in the engine room/front part of the train. its very difficult to describe this thing. (i took a picture on my phone which would be very simple to post, but lovedove and i still havent discussed posting close up/clear pictures of us/our family and if that would cross the line of this blog being "too" personal). needless to say, we had a great breakfast, she smiled the whole time, and she got a free toy from one of the nice women working there at 7:15 on a sunday morning. when we got home, we played a bunch then watched Enchanted. i fucking love that movie. Sofia managed to say awake for the whole movie which was impressive, and i think we both really enjoyed it. then she laid down for a nap, i showered, and now im on the computer for a few minutes. its been a phenomenal day despite the departure of my love.

thoughts about tomorrow.... got the call from the RE's office. my instructions are to be at their far away location at 10:45 tomorrow morning for my single embryo transfer, with a "comfortably full" bladder. can someone tell me what comfortably full means? that doesnt exist in my world. if my bladder is full, im uncomfortable. i understand that it needs to be full for the abdominal sonogram but im kind of dreading this. add to that the fact that my lower abdomen has been bloated and distended as well as slightly sore since the egg retrieval, i really do not have high hopes for the potential level of discomfort i'm going to experience. whatever though, God knows ill do anything to get to where i want to be in this situation. im glad its not super early, or too close to rush hour, i just hope its not too difficult to time. one of the nurses had said to empty my bladder before the drive to the office and drink fluids in the car on the way. sounds like a good enough plan. hoping that i dont get delayed or anything once i arrive. i think ill leave on the early side to allow time for picking up my friend(my emotional support since mom and sister are working, mother in law is watching sof at home) and allowing time for potential traffic. i figure if i get there 15 minutes early i can either sit in the parking lot or the waiting room. oh im sure my head will be spinning way too fast tomorrow.

other thoughts.... i can not believe that there are embryos with my dna sitting in a little dish, waiting for me. at this very moment, they exist and each one of them is potentially our baby. this shit blows my mind. if i tried to explain this to my (very old school) 91year old grandmother, i think she might faint, and then ask for a shot of scotch (what she attributes her long healthy life to: a shot of scotch when you are in pain/cant sleep, a pb&j every morning, and frying eggplant and cauliflower. omg i love her too much i could write a million word post about her). i just can not believe that we are so fortunate to have amazing insurance, the money we saved for this exact purpose (which is starting to dwindle), and a healthy "baby" girl to keep us busy and sane and present in the moment through this whole escapade. not to mention an overwhelming amount of support from our family and friends (and fellow bloggers) that are privy to this process. i just feel so blessed even with everything we've gone through, and i hope that we get to the next part of our journey soon.

which brings me to my next thought.. we havent gotten any new information about the embies since we were told how many were fertilized. im assuming that tomorrow they'll tell me all about the one(s) that was/were strong enough to last the few days in the artificial environment. i hope that i get to see pictures of the cells, so many women seem to be given pictures or glances of pictures that wind up on their blog and id be really interested in seeing my own little guys in the earliest stages. are they able to tell the gender of each blast? is that possible this early? i have no idea actually. i just wonder.

and my last random thoughts are about trying to give advice for anyone who does an egg retrieval. stay hydrated and rest, which is probably what your doctor will tell you,  but really, stay hydrated. yesterday i didn't drink enough water and/or gat.orade (i read online that a few women said they were told to drink 100 oz of gat.orade a day) and i felt like garbage. the bloating was so much worse, i was super uncomfortable. the egg retrieval itself is not bad at all, the following days aren't as wonderful, at least for me they werent.

wow this is long. felt good to get it all out though, just qotd left...
13. Describe your dream vacation. 
at this point in time id have to say that it would just be lovedove and i, on some magical 6 month excursion, in a crazy dream/bubble where we didnt miss our babies (fur and human) and we travel to a bunch of different destinations around the world. beaches/resorts, historic sites, party towns, jungles, desserts, big cities, places known for their natural beauty, etc. but i dont think we'd be staying at the ice hotel in sweden, but id love to go to sweden too. i know that is a very non-descript overview, but i guess i dont know what our dream vacation would be. my brain isn't focused enough to even try to formulate a more thought out answer at this point in time. maybe ill come back to this one to elaborate, one day.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

2 days until transfer

so i keep forgetting to write about how uncomfortable/bloated i have been feeling since the retrieval. i guess i have been trying not to dwell on the negative, but its been pretty annoying. dr B said that i could potentially feel this way for approximately a week. im hoping it subsides sooner rather than later.

i feel like im in the 2ww already but these past 2/3 days have just been like practice waiting. lovedove leaves tomorrow am, and i really feel ilke ive just been avoiding the reality that she wont be here for the transfer/for 2.5 days after. its going to be very difficult emotionally. anyway....

qotd 12
what are you most looking forward to about biological parenthood?
i just want to experience pregnancy/baby movement/etc. i also kind of feel like becoming a biological parent will finally make me feel like a "real" mom. sometimes i doubt myself, like i know that im a great parent, but sometimes i just feel like im not as much of a parent as bio parents are, or something like that. its weird, they're awkward thoughts that i feel like i shouldnt even have. i hate the word should, it always implies fault/guilt.

Friday, April 27, 2012

qotd 11

no news to report today on the embies. re's office only called to say that we'd do a day 5 transfer on monday, and that they'd call on sunday to tell me what time. i asked about the embies, but the nurse who called had no info to relay. im pretty sure all is well and i should just try to be patient and ill find out in due time. tomorrow is our family day and we have an outdoor first birthday party to attend. hoping the weather holds up and it winds up being a nice day. lovedove's flight is bright and early on sunday and then we'll have to find some way to make it all the way to thursday afternoon without her here. ::sigh:: wish she was going to be with me on the day of the transfer, but im bringing a friend who has been very supportive throughout my process, and she had her own struggles when traveling down her own road to her daughter (birthday girl tomorrow :oD).

today was day 2 of the progesterone injections. they're not that bad but they make me pretty anxious right before. my heart pounds and the needle stings for a second but they're pretty tolerable overall. poor lovedove hates giving them to me but im glad she'll be able to do 3 of the 5. i think im going to attempt to do the last 2 myself. wish me luck with that.

qotd 11
where do you like to shop?
honestly im not much of a shopper in terms of clothing or shoes. i friggin love costco and target and baby stores. so any humongous store with a million different kinds of products is my kind of store.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

one day past retrieval

we've got 14 eggs that have fertilized. by tomorrow afternoon we should know how many of those 14 are developing properly and they'll determine whether we're doing a saturday (day 3) transfer or a monday (day 5) transfer. im just over the moon that it seems like the baby i birth will be half related to Sofia. then if we get really lucky, with extra embryos, and in life to be financially able to think about a third baby, then my wife, could potentially carry my biological baby. how incredible would that be? that is much too far in the future to even think about right now.

right now im just thankful that we have some little baby embies starting to grow. this is like a dream come true for me/us. started all of my oral meds and i get to start my progesterone injections tonight. can you tell how excited i am for more intramuscular injections? they're not that bad, but subcutaneous ones are so much simpler.

onto the....

qoth #10
if you are not yet a parent/pregnant. what are you most and least looking forward to after your first beta?
im most looking forward to figuring out a potential due date(because i refuse to think about the due date until i know that i am certainly pregnant... even though i dont doubt that doctors may want to induce me early ...which i hope doesnt happen) but it all depends on how im doing with the betes. im least looking forward to becoming a complete lunatic about managing my diabetes in an even more controlled way than i did to prep for pregnant.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

egg retrieval complete

this morning seemed to go as well as it could have.  Sofia's G-ma (my mother) arrived on time to allow us to leave on time, we were up and out of the house on time, we got to the clinic early, and they took me in to check my vitals pretty swiftly. we didnt realize that lovedove could come back and sit with me prior to the procedure, but after i read through about 2 magazines they brought her back so that she could bring me my insulin pump remote control as the anesthesiologist had asked if i had suspended my insulin, but i hadnt. so she came back and sat with me for the last 20 minutes before they took me in. then i was brought into the procedure room, laid down and got all prepped for a few minutes, and was out like a light pretty quickly. less than an hour later i was up and NOT feeling nauseous. thank God. ate some saltines, drank some Hi-C and i was out of there in about an hour. i was actually feeling good enough to head to IHOP (we rarely go but always  enjoy it as a treat when we do) but i have been significantly groggy. groggy like, when you're kind of drunk and your eyes move a little slower than your head when your head turns. i got chocolate chip pancakes, ate about half of them, and was pleasantly surprised with how much i enjoyed them, and again i was thanking my lucky stars that i was not feeling shitty and nauseous. lovedove drove us home and we cuddled on the couch when we got home.

(*somewhat angry/irritated side note that there is so much behind this next rant im not even going to go into it... my mother had to be here at 6.30. she was. i called her at 10 to let her know everything went well, she said she might go to costco to pick up her new glasses. that was the only part of her plan we were aware of. so when we returned home at 12, exactly when we told her we'd be home, she and Sofia weren't here. i figured maybe they had left late and were still out. i called about fifteen minutes ago as they're not home yet. she said she was giving the baby lunch at her place. communication is such a poor skill for my mother, why the hell cant she give me a heads up and just let me know wheres shes at? she always hijacks the baby. its very annoying that she doesnt know how to enjoy Sofia in a group. she and my father always seem to need like alone time to feel like they can bond with her. its strange and annoying. needless to say they are wonderful caring supportive grand/parents, but things like this drive myself and lovedove nuts.)

enough of that crap, the good news.

the doctor said they were able to retrieve 20 eggs. i am thrilled with that. im really hopeful that we'll have a few eggs fertilize and we'll have some to freeze in case we're not lucky the first time. he said that we are probably looking at a day 5 transfer, cant wait. today i must have said 5 times already to lovedove, "our next baby is (potentially) starting today". i just cant believe it. its amazing to finally be here. the doctor did give me a new prescription for a medication to take for the next week to try to prevent ohss, just because of the large number of eggs he was able to retrieve, not that my estrogen is up too high or anything. i love him, he's just so professional and wonderful and honest and nice.

on a crazy side note, arizona lawmakers are doing some crazy shit, recapped by my bro Stephen Colbert here. crazy, life begins at ovulation? come on now.

qotd 9
If you won the lottery what would you blow your money on (after charity and bills of course)? List 10 things you would buy or spend money on.
1. a house, this may never be financially possible for us in NY unless we win the lottery, which we dont play lol
2. cameras, id start with a dslr that ive been desiring for years, and then work my way up as i became a better photographer
3. TRAVEL - i've barely gone anywhere out of the US and i want to go anywhere/everywhere.
4. a gym membership
5. a new car or 2 tee hee
6. sports equipment, expensive softball bats, a basketball hoop, swimming equipment/waterproof mp3 player
7. a bigger tv, not huge, we're not like crazy electronics people
8. a new ipod
9. eating out/buying restaurant gift cards that way even when we got tired of eating out so often we could save the gift cards
10. a beach house in southern california
11. sex toys, they're just too damn expensive for how rarely they're employed but they are fun items, just couldnt leave them off the list

of course i would give some to family members, buy houses for family, etc, but these are like the frivolous purchases i would make. some of these may not seem like huge ticket items, but i feel like as a family, lovedove and i, (more me, she kind of doesnt have many materialistic desires other than clothes/shoes) kind of don't upgrade stuff that isnt necessary. like im sure you saw ipod and were like, well just go out and get one. the one i have is probably 7 years old but still kickin, and honestly i dont take the train to work anymore so i really dont need a new one, but if i had money to blow i'd get a new one. so i feel like my list seems really juvenile but it is what it is.

looking forward to posting the details as i get them in the next few days about the eggs/embryos etc. cant believe its finally my turn to blog about this stuff!

its almost 3pm and i miss my daughter, she still not back. arg.

 until tomorrow ladies :o)

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

the day before -the procedure before- the big day

no problem with trigger last night, did bloods this morning at the close office, then went over 10ish pages of directions, what to expect, medication instruction for the next 2.5 weeks. all the way up until my pregnancy blood test, currently scheduled for friday may 11th. holy guacamole batman, this is really going to happen. isnt it just "perfect" timing since the 11th is 2 days before mothers day?? yea, perfect if i wind up with a bfp, kind of devastating if i wind up with a bfn. ill either be intoxicated on happiness or alcohol come mothers day. whatever.

i feel like the fucking easter bunny with a basket full of eggs. if im not mistaken there are quite a few of them in there, and im looking forward to finding out exactly how many are in there. pretty sure my dr will tell lovedove by the time we leave the clinic tomorrow. im also looking forward to the "twilight" anesthesia they're going to give me. i hope i say a bunch of shit and wind up a lot less nauseous than i usually am after general anesthesia.

i took off tomorrow and thurs, as well as mon and tues of next week so that i can just try to clear my brain and rest my  body for this. clearly thats taking a moderate hit financially, but i feel like it might not be the worst thing to do. im going to try to just be as calm as i can be, especially since lovedove will be away from sunday to thurs. its going to be a rough few days but i know we'll get through it.

random side note, love that cbs is pushing the prime time lgbt sex/intimacy envelope on the good wife. i have quite the crush on kalinda. props to cbs, in case you want to read more about the exact scene. i absolutely love the sight of 2 women together, it doesnt even have to be sexual, i mean that scene is, but i just love seeing the love that i live, portrayed on a huge stage for everyone. its just so beautiful to me. anyway enough about me being a huge lesbian who loves women.

qotd 8
If an observant stranger were to talk into your home, what clues would lead them to believe that you have struggled with infertility?
currently there isnt anything really out except for the papers that i received today talking about pre and post retrieval, my medications list and instructions, etc. my medications are away in the closet, theres nothing marked on the calendar explicitly. another meh question. at least im keeping this up.

Monday, April 23, 2012

tonight is the night

...that i do the hcg trigger! im pretty over the moon about this as my egg retrieval is scheduled for weds morning at 8.30am which means that lovedove will be able to take the day off to accompany me. though i wish she was able to be around for both the retrieval and the transfer, i almost feel more happy that she's there on the day that im under anesthesia and feel like a zonked out looney. ive done inseminations without her presence before, and i know that this time they'd be putting an embryo into me instead of "just" some sperm, but im hoping that i dont feel super alone. im sure ill be fine.

im thrilled that my dr wants me to do the hcg as he is pretty thorough and if he was at all concerned about ohss im pretty sure he would have made the switch to lup.ron. tomorrow i am scheduled for bloods and to sit down with one of the nurses (not my regular, she's out of the office for a few days) to talk about the process and going forward after the retrieval.

i totally can not believe we are finally at this point of the journey. i haven't let my brain even think about the timing of things or the emotions of this part of the process and now its all hitting me. im actually feeling excited for the first time in a long time. ive tried to keep my emotions pretty steady and my head screwed on straight, and im feeling like im letting myself be hopeful again. im happy to feel this way. i just hope things go well from here on out. my highest hopes are obviously for a bfp on this first ivf cycle, but more realistically im hoping for a few fertilized embryos that make it long enough to be frozen that way if we're not successful the first time we can try again quickly and without having to do another round of stimulation. hoping hoping hoping.....

what is in your make up bag?
cover up, powder, eyeliner, mascara, a few lip glosses, berts bees lip stuff, a tiny little lipstick that i almost never wear. i think thats it, im a pretty basic/minimalist makeup person. boooring.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

day 8, question 6

it was back out to the far away location today, but instead of going alone i was accompanied by lovedove and sofia, which im so happy about. i tend not to hear things clearly/misinterpret things often when im nervous about stuff, so lovedove was able to have the doctor clarify what he was saying because she saw on my face i had misunderstood. he looked at the many many follicles and when he was done with the sono he basically did the good doctor thing and expressed his concerns about ohss. he broke it down into numbers for me and said that they begin to get concerned when your estrogen level reaches 4,000, and as of yesterday my level was about 1,000. after my blood results came back today, they had only gone up to 1,633, when it could potentially double each day that you do stimulation medication. so he broke it down and said that if my estrogen starts to spike too quickly and all of the follicles aren't mature enough to do the retrieval yet, we would have to cancel the cycle. and with all of these numbers flying around he had said something about 50/50, and i thought that meant only a 50% chance of getting gaining any kind of ground with this cycle, ie getting mature eggs/follies out creating embryos and freezing them, or going through with the full ivf cycle. when he clarified, he says that he thinks with about 80-90% certainty that we should be able to wind up with one of those two desired outcomes. the 50/50 was about which kind of trigger i'm doing, lup.ron or hcg. so when we left the appointment i was kind of concerned that he even addressed ohss, because i really dont even want to think about it as something that could happen, but after i got my estrogen level from the lady who called from the office, i kind of felt better. ohss isnt a major concern at this point in time, at least not at this exact moment. i'm hoping it stays that way.

dr. b also said that i might only need another day or two of the meds if we wind up avoiding the ohss issue. my hopes are resting on just one or two more days of the meds so that lovedove can take a day off of work and be there with me for the retrieval. its really odd when life throws you these crazy curveballs. she has never been offered to go on a business trip, ever, in 7 years of teaching and her opportunity comes now? its very odd. life is crazy.

How did you pick your RE?
we didn't really pick him, our gynecologist referred us to two RE's. we looked online at the two, one seemed like a small independent dr and we weren't sure what insurances she would take, and Long Island IVF seemed like a well established, well oiled baby making location(i know that makes it sound like a factory, but they really take their time with you, its much more personal than my description would infer), where they took our insurance and boasted great stats. we loved dr. b from the first visit. he's got the greatest demeanor and is a pretty straight shooter when he's concerned about something. i was just so glad that we clicked with him as much as we did. he was very welcoming to us as a same sex couple and he made us feel comfortable from the start. truly, how could we not love him, he got lovedove pregnant in her first cycle. that was pure magic.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

question 5, day 7

so i went out to the far away location today, had my bloods and sono done. seems like my body is responding well, i think its questionable whether its responding too well. they told me this morning that they might want to change my trigger from an hcg to Lupron. once i relayed this info to lovedove, she jumped on the new laptop and said that she thinks the reason why they would do that (because they didnt say anything more than they might decide to change it) is to prevent ohss. so it may just be a precautionary thing, or they might actually be a bit concerned that i might be over responding. my dr did the sono this morning so i felt kind of reassured that he's up to date on the details of my progress. he's such a nice doctor, im so glad we like him as much as we do. so it seems that so far on the left, he measured 5 follies on the right(bad side with the endometriomas) and he measured at least 10 follies on the left, and then said that there were multiple smaller follies in addition to those on the left as well. so we'll see, he predicted a few more days of injections and also said i might have to go back tomorrow. clearly not what id like to do with my sunday morning, but im like a slave to that place. i dont care what they tell me to do, ill do it.

on a somewhat sad note, today is almost definitely my last basketball game of the season, we have to win today to make it to the playoffs(we won i drafted this part prior to the game), and i may either have already had my retrieval or maybe ill be having it that day. saturday would actually be my preferred day if i had any say in the whole thing (which i clearly dont lol) because lovedove will still be here and will actually be able to come with me. thurs and fri dont work for her due to obligations at her job and on sunday morning she's gone. so its not looking good for us to be together at the retrieval. obviously not the way we want it to go, but just one of those things that we have absolutely no control over. i try not to stress over things i have no control over.

List 15 facts about yourself.

1. i don't drink soda (without alcohol in it). i was never a soda drinker even when i was little. i hated the "bubbles" as a kid. the beverage i drink most is water.
2. i love musicals, rent, les mis, wicked, grease, west side story, white christmas, etc.
3. im super nosy, i used to go through my friend's wallets in high school, on a pretty regular basis. of course id ask first.
4. i am the female version of my father, both looks wise and  personality wise.
5. i love sweets, not the best trait for a diabetic, but i take super good care of myself (ie timing my insulin)
6. i used to have a very bland diet and was a super picky eater, until i met my wife, who opened my eyes to the vast range of the culinary world.
7. i love swimming and was a lifeguard for a few years at the pool i spent every summer at while growing up.
8. i am not a reader, at all. i wish i was, it makes me feel unintelligent that im not.
9. i'm the youngest person in all of our circles of friends.
10. i was a "late bloomer". i had absolutely no boobs until the end of 8th grade, then they got kind of large.
11. im a "gold star" lesbian ::wink:: and i was my wife's first kiss, etc, etc.
12. my wife says i always think that irrational things are going to happen, hence i kind of hate super scary movies.
13. i had a teddy bear my entire life. he was furless and decrepit by the time i was like 12, i slept with him as a pillow forever until my wife made me put him in a bedside drawer. then disa got a hold of him, he's a stuffingless sack now that i dont even know where he is. whoops lol, at least its progress.
14. i would LOVE to one day open up a pitbull rescue that teams with a local school/youth center for "high risk" kids to work at so that they can simultaneously learn responsibility, feel important, and nurture shelter animals.
15. i absolutely love music, listening to it, dancing to it, there's almost nothing better.

well hopefully that wasn't too boring. im sure ill think of another 15 things that would have been cooler to write in the next 2 days, but i guess this stuff will have to do.

Friday, April 20, 2012

question 4

Besides Mother's Day, what is the toughest holiday for you as an infertile?

I think that id have to say Thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong I'm very thankful everyday and on Thanksgiving, I think i just get irritated by how seemingly thankless everyone without fertility issues seems to be. I feel like because infertility is still kind of a taboo topic in society (which i think is completely stupid) no one/fewer people are willing to talk about their struggles except to their closest friends, so then fewer people know how common of a problem it is for people trying to create families. i feel like that just kind of trickles down and the people who are experiencing difficulties feel completely marginalized and isolated because they dont know how other people will react, ie with pity/judgement/whatever, and that keeps everyone quiet and everyone thinking that having a baby is super simple for everyone. although im sure that most people trying to have children probably know one or two people who have struggled with infertility, the majority of those people probably look at that friend/family member/coworker as the odd man out. honestly, i guess people with fertility issues are technically the "odd men out" but there are a lot more infertile couples out there than anybody thinks. i think that in general, fertile people just have no idea what infertile people go through, or how lucky they are that they dont have to go through any of it. well aren't i just bitter about my infertility issues lol. sorry that was a pretty negative rant.

I guess i also feel like thanksgiving is hard because last October we got a bfn and we weren't able to try in November so I was kind of bitter at that time of year. I love thanksgiving, we host, im very thankful for the positive things in my life, and also thankful that the negatives that exist aren't more more negative/devastating, but it certainly was difficult for me last year.

So i decided to change the background of the blog, it was too grey for too long, so i guess these beautiful rainbow bubbles for me are like the (hopefully) many follicles/eggs getting ready for the big event.

im happy its friday even though we have tons to do this weekend. tonight we have laundry, switching computer tasks, and movies to watch. tomorrow morning i have to go for bloods and a sono 45 minutes away, then home to get lovedove and sofia, then to brooklyn for basketball, then to the end of the season bbq in a different part of brooklyn, then home, then a 30th surprise party for a lifelong friend that begins at 10pm which is now very late for me. God that makes me feel so old. needless to say i will be ducking out of that event very early. tomorrow will certainly be a long day but as far as i know we have no plans for sunday. thank God. after a day like saturday i need a day of nothing to follow.

good luck to anybody trying/waiting/etc. hang in there ladies.

wishing you all a lovely weekend (even though ill be posting every day for the 30 day challenge)

Thursday, April 19, 2012

day 5, question 3

so last night i got out of work a little bit early, got home, changed, washed my face, and sat down for dinner a good 30 minutes prior to my usual after work routine. i was so thrown off by my irregular timing that i almost forgot to do my injection! thank God lovedove remembered. then i kind of freaked out because i had been so good the two previous nights about doing them at the same time of night, but this was only off by, you guessed it, about 30 minutes. im sure it was no big deal, but i couldnt believe that i had completely forgotten about it. whatever. (yes, im aware that i say/type whatever a lot. ive noticed it so much more since i started blogging)

this morning's bloods and ultrasound went well. they actually did a full physical on me today, and i was like, uh whats up with this? they said its just routine that every so often they do one. didnt bother me i was just surprised. then my assigned nurse did my sonogram. we always chit chat through the process and s through this
he wasnt saying anything but i could tell that she was measuring the follicles. then i asked if i was responding to the meds and she said i was. she didnt tell me how many follicles she saw, but she did say that there were a few, and more on the side without the endometriomas, and she also said that they were all small, but about the same size. so i think that was a positive report. guess i dont have to worry about ohss, so thats good. sometimes when i read other women's blogs i feel like they have so much more information than i do after their appointments, but i almost feel like more information would make me crazier, and i really trust them at my RE's office. so now im just waiting for my instructions as to how to proceed over the next few days with meds, and when i need to come back into the office.

i want this cycle to be the one that works so badly. ive been having trouble keeping my thoughts on the positive side through this whole process just due to the fact that we started off on the wrong foot, and there has been so much shit in the way, so ive started trying to force positive thoughts into my brain every night before i go to bed. my new nightly mantra is:

i will get pregnant.
i will stay pregnant.
i will have a healthy pregnancy.
i will birth a healthy baby.

i actually think it is helping to calm my brain at night and i feel like im falling asleep faster, which is good, because Sofia isn't sleeping through the night much anymore. we think her teeth are bothering her and she's chewing on stuff constantly. AND she was doing so well with bed time teeth brushing for a while (we're trying to start healthy habits early) she would chew on her toothbrush, then would let one of us get the teeth in the back and the front too, but lately its a fight almost every night. poor thing, teething is no fun.

enough of this, time for the qotd.

what is in your handbag?
my bag has always been a catchall. in my bag right now: my diabetes "pack"/large makeup bag (holds my 2 devices, strips, lancets, finger pricker, alcohol prep pads, a small container of sugar, insulin, travel sharps container, glucagon), ponytail holders, a pill bottle with assorted pain relievers, an extra omnipod, feminine products, my glasses in their hard case, my little makeup bag for makeup, a pen, some loose change, and a little container of cheerios. my bag is always heavy, and usually with me the bigger my bag is, the more shit i shove into it.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

day 4 - ivf cycle #1

 no news to report today. meds seem to be fine. no huge side effects, maybe a little redness at the injection site but thats about it, not even too sore or anything. im pretty sure that lovedove thinks that the meds are making me edgy, but im dont see it myself. tonight is the last night of this dosage of meds before my sonogram tomorrow. im excited to see if my body is responding to the meds, and im glad my period is much lighter than it was on day 2. im fine with endovaginal sonograms, but when i have my period, i feel like the grossest thing in the world. ug, i hate it. hopefully monday was the last time ill have to do it. ::shudder::

today i am stuck home waiting for the delivery of our new laptop and printer. we've been wanting a new laptop for a while as the one we had conked out a while ago, so we've been stuck with the desktop only for.. a year? 2 years? who knows. its been a while and due to the fact that the desktop is in Sofia's room, computer time is very limited. once she's asleep shes a pretty light sleeper so we do our best to stay the hell away from her and make minimal sound during nap time. she sleeps more deeply at night time, but thats when lovedove is home alone because im working and she would love to have the luxury of the internet at her fingertips but bedtime is about 7pm for little miss early riser so its impossible. needless to say we're pretty excited. im sure the doorbell will ring as soon as she falls asleep, it always seems to. ding dong, bark bark, "disa quiet" (in a whisper yell), then waaaaaa! it almost never fails. 

this is so funny to me. i was about to type QOTD for question of the day, and then i thought about a friend/former coworker who used to ask me a ridiculous but always hysterical Lesbian QOTD. oh man those were good times. the place we worked was a fucking hell hole, run by a dysfunctional super unhealthy married couple, and super corrupt. however the people working there, "there" being a local agency focused on providing services to children on the autism spectrum, were mostly amazing, goodhearted, intelligent people, who were also super funny. 

anyway... qotd.....
How did you and your partner decide when you were ready to start trying to conceive?
we always knew we wanted to have kids, we had always discussed it when we were developing our friendship, we just didnt realize we'd be having children together. we probably started discussing it prior to actually getting married, but i guess we started talking about it seriously after our wedding. i knew i wanted to "continue partying for a bit" (just alcohol and a little bit of inhalation, but kind of excessive amounts of beer) and i knew that needed to slow down. lovedove was a large supporter of me "slowing down", clearly a good option, and i knew that even though i wanted to have more "fun", i didn't want to be "old" parents. yes i know we're not old parents, but i felt like even starting at 25 we were already a little old. lovedove always tells me how skewed my brain is because i think in timelines the way someone who is 55 did when they were young. i know 30 is like the new 20 now in terms of family creation, but i guess i was kind of in a rush. so after 2 years of marriage we started getting serious about plans. we talked about the desired timing, lovedove exercised almost daily for about a year to get into the best shape she could without going overly crazy, went to all of her doctors to get checked out, and we saw the RE for the first time in october of 2009. 6 weeks later we were pregnant with Sofia. Sofia was the simplest decision we ever made and probably one of the easiest pregnancies ever. future #2 on the other hand, was a simple decision for us (although again i think i was ready before lovedove was) but s/he is certainly giving us a run for our money.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

new distraction option

im totally stealing this from 2girlsandababy because im pretty sure i'll desperately need something other than my fertility journey on my mind for the upcoming weeks. its a 30 day thing, so hopefully by the end ill be pregnant. here's to hoping! ( ill answer question/topic of the day #1 before i end this post)

speaking of pregnancies, my assigned nurse that i work with at my RE office told me yesterday that she's pregnant and having a girl. she's a very tiny person so her scrubs must do a great job at hiding the belly! i was really happy for her when she told me, but also pretty jealous, but more happy than jealous. she must be pretty far along if she knows she's having a girl right? she was saying what a hard time she has with girls names and i said how its the complete opposite for us. we already have a girls name picked out if i wind up pregnant with a baby girl, and then she asked what it was. we aren't going to tell anyone the name of the baby that i will eventually birth, but i told her because i know the secret is super safe with her, plus i kind of want to be her friend, yea im clingy in vulnerable situations. i might be clingy in general if i like you, i feel like thats weird to admit. whatever. anyway, i told her the name, and she loved it. she swore she wouldn't steal it. not like it matters, but it kind of does. a random park dad and i had that conversation not too long ago. he was saying how people shouldnt be able to claim names for their unborn children. and really, we know it doesnt matter what others do, if you really love a name you're just going to name your kid that, but for me i think it kind of does matter. i would be super upset if a friend named their kid what we'd potentially name a second daughter. do you give a crap when your friends claim certain names pre-birth? i think a few names have been on hold with our friends, but really under the radar, you'd have to hear it from a friend who is closer to that person, it wasnt really general knowledge. i guess the best way to avoid it is to hold out on the name disclosure till the birth.

the injection process was fun last night. being a diabetic who injected for the first 3 months after being diagnosed, i have no problem with needles/injections. lovedove looked like a mad scientist mixing the meds and i was glad to have her be so involved. i ate dinner while she prepped everything. she even laid out my meds for the next two days. it was cute. i felt happy and blessed that she's right by my side through everything. i kind of feel bad though. she always thought she wanted 3 babies, and after all of this hullabaloo with me, i feel like it may have stolen that desire from her. i mean, dont get me wrong, one kid is a handful, im sure we can handle 2, and 3 is questionable/potentially do-able. but i think that if things had gone swimmingly with me in the first few months she might still be super set on 3. whatever, time will tell, we have to get to baby #2 before we can even think about the possibility of a 3rd.

ok now for my 30 day thingy.

1. what is the meaning behind your blog name?

well ladies (and gents, although im pretty sure no men read ttc blogs) i think its pretty clear. i thought ttc was just going to be a path i went down with a few bumps or twists or turns in the road, but it wound up being an obstacle course. i think this blog was originally named something else, but i cant even remember what it was.


Monday, April 16, 2012

day 2 - ivf cycle #1

well, its back to normal today. lovedove went back to work bright and early, and Sofia and i headed to the RE for the routine day 2 bloods and sono so im officially back on the "actively-ttc" train. got the call that im cleared to start my stimulation medications tonight. 3 + 1 re.pronex + 1 oral pill that i cant remember the name of right now. same thing for next 2 nights as well, then back into the office thurs am for bloods and sono.

i feel kind of freaked out because for so long this part of my life seemed so far away. my last insemination was in mid january so its been a longggggg break, but i got through it, and now here we are. im finally back in the saddle and im so ready. ready to try, ready to get pregnant, ready to really do this thing right. my mind is just kind of blown because i felt like this day would never come.

i feel like i had so much i want to say but i cant remember any of it right now. anyway, im sure ill sort my thoughts out and be able to post again soon.

here's to all subcutaneous injections (THANK GOD)! please respond well body, please, please. and please do not respond too well that i wind up with ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.

cant wait to see what a lunatic i turn into as i inject myself daily with shit that is sure to make me even crazier than i already am.

here we go, fingers crossed! (again)

Friday, April 6, 2012

the follow up

it was a really quick visit, just took a peek with the speculum, and did a 3 second manual exam, and it seems that everything went well enough. he confirmed that i had one polyp removed and then im pretty sure he said something about adenomyosis, which only stuck in my brain as "some really long A word" and i was only able to narrow down the options for what that might be after a bit of googling when i got home. however he said was not a "critical issue". he asked if we were good to go after my next "bleed" (i totally hate when he says it like that), and i was like yes definitely. he said all of the biopsy results were benign which was nice to hear, thank god. from what ive read on adenomyosis it doesnt seem like much to worry about, and there are contradicting opinions on whether or not it impacts fertility. apparently it only occurs in 10% of women who also have endometriosis. i feel like i have to be the god damn poster child for so many things. yes im a diabetic, and yes i have a thyroid issue as well, and yes im a lesbian, and yes i have endometriosis, and a blocked fallopian tube, and i had a polyp removed, and yes, i might as well have adenomyosis too just for good measure. i have no problem labeling myself, but i wish i could be without many of those medical labels. truly though, im just thankful that there arent more of them, and they're manageable/not life threatening.

im ready for my spring break. lovedove is off until the 16th, and im only working 2 days next week. super nice for family time, but really shitty for the paycheck. whatever, its fine.

anyway, happy easter everyone, enjoy spring break!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

random venting

so i feel like writing right now, but dont really have a major thing i want to talk about specifically, and bc sofia is actually almost asleep for her nap right now, i have to take advantage of the few quiet moments i get.

1. i was really pissed off last night at work bc our usual evening secretary is taking two weeks off. thats fine im not mad about that, what im mad about is that my office decided to have one of the women who works downstairs administratively, work her shift. fine. no problems until my 4 (back to back to back to back - literally not even 5 minutes between them) clients come and go, and 15 minutes pass (8:30pm). then she's yelling up the staircase (my office is upstairs, in a building that was clearly once a home) to ask me if im still here. woman, did you see me leave the building or hear me say goodnight to you? no, you didnt, and you clearly have no idea how much paperwork i do by hand each night even though you look at my files constantly. all that writing takes time, so shove it and wait for my ass patiently. then 15 minutes later, at 8:45, she actually uses part of her brain and just dials my extension "are you done yet?". are you shitting me? "no, but im almost done". and i should have added that she's lucky i dont have additional work to complete on the computer downstairs bc i dont have one in my office. yes, you read all of that right, i dont have a computer at my desk and i do about half of my paperwork by hand. but we do have 2 water dispensers, a microwave, toaster, a keurig, and multiple security cameras (we're not in the best neighborhood). it makes me crazy. im the only therapist without a computer at my desk at this point, and ive been harrassing the guy who is in charge of shit like that for weeks. last night he told me that he ordered it this week. ill believe it when its on my desk. whatever. maybe tonight will be better. she better realize how rude it is to try to rush me. i work hard and fast, she's lucky.

2. i heard about another lesbian couple that recently conceived, sister-in-law's friends. they had their announcement on fb and i was really jealous and almost cried. i know they've been trying for a really long time (much longer than me/us) and all of that but i still felt so jealous. clearly jealousy is something ive been struggling with this whole time, and as much as i get jealous of heteros who get pregnant, i think i get more jealous of lesbians who get lucky. i just want to be them, and i know that we were them the first time around when we got pregnant with Sofia, it just seems like so long ago and ive been mentally ready to be them again for the last 7/8 months. i know that im more hopeful than ever and seem to be in the best position i can be in at this point in time, im just still so impatient. though i am pretty impressed with how well i did through the few month wait after january's bfn and everything else we went through. im really really trying to stay level headed. i know we'll get there eventually.

3. ncaa basketball. ive been watching so much of it and i love it. mens and womens. one of my good friends plays with me in the NYCGBL, and she refuses to watch women's basketball bc its "slower" than the mens leagues. of course its slower, part of the reason that mens basketball is able to be played at such a fast pace is that they are giants/their bodies/legs are huge and they're down the court in a few strides. while watching last night's men's championship game, though the pace of play was "faster", i almost felt like their game was slower because there were so many fucking commercials. at one point, they came back from a commercial break, a kid took 2 free throws, and another time out, which meant more commercials. i was kind of irritated. there is so much "media" in men's coverage, that there is a need for "media timeouts" and they get shown on cbs, while the women's games are shoved off to espn and we're forced to watch the same 4 low budget commercials for some online auto parts store for the entire 2 hours. apparently cbs wouldn't even fathom moving people's "programs" for the NCAA basketball women's championships, but its no problem for the men's game. i get so frustrated with the inequality/insignificance of women's sports. here's a crazy article about just how unequal it can get monetarily for players.

sorry there's nothing really nice or happy in this post. um, its a beautiful day here in nyc and the weather looks great for the rest of the week? im smiling now... no actually im not. arg! im tired and grumpy and i hate feeling like that.

anyway. enough of my crap. going to get going on my day and do some housecleaning, fun!

Monday, April 2, 2012

lots of thoughts

i think im ovulating today, which would be 3 days early according to my ff mobile app. i can usually feel it when im ovulating, for me its like a dull cramp that stays for a few hours and it hurts when i bend. i think a lot of women describe it as a much faster and more precise sensation, but we all know how insane my reproductive organs are, who knows what im actually feeling. my post op visit is on thursday. im guessing he'll probably do a sono, im not sure what else we need to do.

i mean i know i need to talk to him about how to complete filling out our "ART boarding pass", which needs to be handed in no later than the day your start your meds, on the first day of your cycle. thursday i really want to address with him the part of the form that dictates how many embryos are to be transferred. we really really do not want twins.
(reason #1 - im already high risk (due to the diabetes and thyroid issues) without carrying multiples.
reason #2- one baby at a time is enough for anyone to handle.
reason #3- if i had twins, we (the parents) would be outnumbered and thats a scary though for us, esp when you think about travel cross country to see family.
reason #4- if i carried multiples they would most likely be born early, and possibly even earlier due to my health complications)
looking at all of that, i am feeling like there wont be much to discuss as i seem to have really talked myself out even thinking about letting him transfer two at this point. lovedove and i have discussed each of those points, and as much as we want success as soon as possible, i think we'd like to avoid the aforementioned potential complications more. i mean if we transferred one and it became a twin pregnancy, then that's fate and its meant to be, thats the only way id be able to look at it, but those chances are super duper low.
the other thing that worried me about having him possibly transfer two.... the social worker that we met with had asked about if the doctors would encourage me to selectively reduce if i did get pregnant with twins. this blew my mind as i had never even considered this possibility. reduce a twin pregnancy to a singleton? i know that i could never make a decision like that. i read an article about one woman's journey to her second child in which she had chosen to reduce from two fetuses to one, and i was almost in tears. everybody's shit is different, i just dont think im made of the kind of stuff to be able to make a decision like that, so i should probably just avoid it.

its just so much to think about. there are so many thoughts surrounding this second child we'd love to bring into our family, and all that really matters to me if birthing a healthy baby (or two if thats what fate has for me in the cards) in the end.

so everything on my to-do list is done, except ordering/shipping the "back up" sperm. im hoping this is a complete waste of money honestly. we're going with an ivf vial because they're the cheapest (bc there are fewer sperm) and we picked the donor last week. i faxed in the ID Options agreement last week and have to call to confirm they've received it. if they have, ill just order the vial then and there, and ship it to our dr. hopefully the thaw with Sofia's donor goes as well as it has the last 7 times and we can just donate this sperm to our dr's office for whatever use.

april is already booked up with basketball and birthdays to celebrate, it completely blows my mind how this happens constantly. now we'll have to add in the medications ill start and all of my many lovely monitoring appointments. dont get me wrong, its tiring, but im thankful and excited to be getting back into the saddle. crossing fingers for smooth sailing. hoping hoping hoping.