Thursday, September 5, 2013

my heart is so heavy

first, a thank you for the liebster nod, though my mind is not in a place of blogging recently. when my mind starts being my own again, ill jump on all of that good-ness.

Sofia and Laila are well, thank God, each of them growing/thriving/being more amazing every day.

our family is continuing to struggle through my MiL's battle with stage 4 small cell lung cancer. this week, on sofia's 3rd birthday, my MiL's doctors informed us all that they believe that the cancer is no longer responding to the treatments. she has been in extreme pain (even more extreme than her standard level of constant pain) in recent weeks, and continuing treatment has not been an option due to her lack of strength and constant discomfort. after reviewing the mri results from a scan late last week, there appears to be some new lesions on her bones, which clearly is not good. her doctors did not provide a prognosis, but when lovedove's father asked for an estimate of how much time they believe she has left, her doctor responded by saying that he believes we will lose her in the coming weeks, not more than a month. we are all kind of numb to this new information but i think we all knew it was coming. it is so painful to see her suffering. im clearly not looking forward to whatever comes next, but she needs her pain to end. id like to say that i wouldn't wish this type of suffering on my worst enemy, but i think i would. i am so angry. she is the kindest person with the purest heart, and this could not have been meant for her. there must have been some kind of mistake. i could go on for days about this, and im sure i will probably use this blog to grieve at some point, my brain is just mush currently. She should not be the person who's failing health requires me to start to teach my children about death. i'm not sure what effect losing her will have on our family. everything is so uncertain, except for one thing, and no one likes what is for certain.

ugh. needless to say sofia's birthday was a day that encompassed all emotions. it certainly was not the happiest birthday she'll ever have. i know she feels all of this, and all of the sadness and fear and anger, i hope she will forget it. she's been acting out a ton, which is to be expected i guess, but thats difficult to witness and handle. as much as i want her to forget this time, i want her to retain the memories she has made with her gramma. there have been so many wonderful times and for that i am grateful. we have plenty of pictures and videos, but i truly wish that she would be able to remember her gramma's heart, embrace, amazingly tasty cooking, and tiny crafty projects that they would do together. ugh my heart is just breaking.

not sure when i will write again. putting my uneventful happy healthy pregnancy energy out there for everyone trying and expecting.