Thursday, May 31, 2012

2 of hearts...

2 hearts (blueberry's and mine) that beat as one, 2 of hearts, i need you i need you... (a million points if you realize those are 80's song lyrics)

soooooooooo, today we were blessed enough to see the little blueberry's tiny heart beating. to say i was a complete wreck before would be an understatement. i cried a few tiny tears of joy and squeezed lovedove's hand watching the screen. i think that i was in a state of disbelief that the image on the sonogram screen was what is going on in my body. i cant believe i finally have a sonogram picture with my name on it, and visual proof of this new pregnancy. i am so happy right now and i am trying to doing a better job at being relaxed and happy in the moment. i am going to convince myself that there is no reason to worry excessively, unless there is some sign that i should be worried. as long as my breasts continue to make removing a bra momentarily agonizing, i will try not to worry.

as we're so open with our family and friends, i had a million text updates to send, and each one was responded to with congrats and smiley emoticons. i feel very fortunate to have the support system that we have, and that includes this amazing community of women of the blogging world. i truly do feel like we're all a part of one big team and i love that we all take turns rooting for each other. im looking forward to cheering for the ladies who haven't gotten their bfp yet, i know they're coming!

anyway, here's the first glimpse of the blueberry......

next step is to find a high risk dr. have a place in mind, its a practice comprised completely of women. they're local, are affiliated with the hospital i want to give birth at, and my RE knew of them and spoke highly of them when i mentioned them. bing-o. sounds like a win already. ill be making that call tomorrow and hoping that they can get me in there in the next week or two. i really just didn't want to count my chickens (thank God there was only one baby in there) too soon. happy to be graduating from my RE but i will certainly miss all of the staff. they were truly wonderful through the whole process. OH! almost forgot, we asked my RE if we could donate my leftover injectables, and he said no, some legal BS etc. then i spoke with my nurse and she said ( of course they would be able to accept and pass along the unused meds to women who could not financially afford all of the meds in a regular situation) the same thing. wink. yay to paying it forward.

looking fwd to a fun weekend. first pool party at a friend's house this weekend. woohoo! cant wait to get sofia in the water again!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


(that number is according to my calculations)

as far as im concerned, tomorrow i'll be 7 weeks pregnant. my sonogram is the following day, when my RE will hopefully tell me all that i've been hoping to hear, and will then tell me exactly how pregnant i really am. 

i'm failing pretty hard in my efforts to just feel happy and confident in this pregnancy. i'm preoccupied and worried pretty much constantly. as much as i try not to "stress" things in life, i worry a lot. i've always been afraid of bad things happening. i had/have a huge fear of dying "young". i guess i just have too much planned for my life/there are so many things i've yet to do, that of course i'd be afraid so weird act of fate would step in and id be out of luck too soon. i'm kind of petrified for thursday. i hope that all of this worrying is for nothing. i think i would be a lot more reassured if i was feeling like garbage every day, but im really not. lovedove keeps telling me to try to calm down, maybe im just going to have a great super easy pregnancy. i guess that would be great for most women, and truly in hindsight i may say how wonderful it was if this is in fact a successful pregnancy where i wind up with a healthy baby at the end, but at this point in time i think i'd prefer to be puking daily, and feeling like crap on a constant basis. i guess its due to the fact that i only had 2 betas, and ive had no testing since to confirm that there's still a baby growing in there. maybe i should take one of those crappy pregnancy tests i hate. wait, maybe that sounds like a bad idea. ug, i just wish i could fast forward 2 days.

so in PUPO news, saturday at our little cousin's 4th birthday, a cousin (older than us) who knew i was going through ivf, politely asked where we were at. she started the convo with the obligatory "so i know i shouldn't ask" and ended with "i think i know how things wound up" (prob bc i didn't have a beer all day). all i said was "yes, you know how things wound up" and she was in tears. clearly very mild, hidden from the rest of the party tears, but she was very excited. she hugged both me and lovedove and was very sweet about it. i told her how early it is and how nervous i am and she said she totally understood and wouldn't say anything to anyone. not sure how true that will wind up being, but i really feel like everyone who knows we were trying, already knows im pregnant. i guess thats just the direct result of being so open about our baby making struggles. 

later in the evening, at party #2, the birthday girl, who also knew about our struggles, came over to me after everyone participated in a shot of tequila, except for me. in her slightly drunken comical voice she said "uh, missy, you're not drinking tonight, are you..." and i responded with a quick "no maam" and a smile and she smiled back. its really strange having sooo many people know that i'm pregnant so early. i kind of feel stupid about it, like, im very aware of the risks this early, but i almost feel justified in having the people around me knowing because all im being is honest. god forbid, if something happens, im sure ill be open about it. if things continue to go well, i will surely be open about it. guess im just trying to further my crusade for complete honesty about fertility struggles that way its not such a taboo subject, at least with the people in our life. 


non-alcoholic beer. yesterday i needed to have a beer. im a beer drinker in my non prego life, and a hot summer holiday-day just isn't complete for me without an ice cold beer. so i bought a 6 pack of "non-alcoholic" becks yesterday. on the bottle it says "contains less than 0.5% alcohol. i totally didn't realize that non alcoholic beers still might technically have some amount of alcohol in them. i guess you learn something new everyday. 

i was pleased with it. it seemed a bit sweeter than a regular beer, but could definitely pass. i was happy to see a few different options at my local distributor. not too bad on price either. glad ill have the option to have a cold one every once in a while.


symptoms continue to be mild, at least to me. im almost completely uncensored at this point, if i dont like something, im coming out of my face and saying it. according to everyone i saw saturday night at the bday celebration, my boobs are even more out of control than usual, and removing my bra at night is getting more and more painful each night. which to me is a good thing. libido is kind of revved up, which is not me typically. i guess they're not that mild, but they're not reassuring enough to me, at least until i see what i hope to see on thursday, then hopefully they'll be enough for me. i still have twinges, mostly on the left side of my body, some occassional ones on the right, and some mild cramps overall sometimes. oh, the other thing about saturday night. of course our lovely lady friends were taking a few pictures, and i was trying to look as thin as possible so i was trying to suck my tummy in. it felt different, at least near the bottom half of my belly. that made me feel pregnant.

anyway, im praying im still pregnant. i just feel like it is so strange to feel this "good" after such a hard struggle to get to the point of being pregnant. could i have the easiest pregnancy ever in terms of symptoms? is that even possible??

Thursday, May 24, 2012

not much news

so i told my coworker, because she told me that she also just found out that she's prego! i knew that we'd be trying at the same time, we talked about it a lot, but i didn't expect that we'd be literally 2 weeks apart. our place is going to fall apart without us for a few weeks, holy moly, thats like 40ish clients that will either be getting a surprise vacation from therapy, or who need to be seen by other therapists... talk about a headache for my admin people. oh well, happy joy for us, we're prego together.

ive been feeling nauseous every morning about 2-3 hours after breakfast, but thankfully it passes really quickly. i feel like ive been really lucky with my lack of annoying symptoms, though i would welcome them to feel more pregnant. my biggest issue right now is my skin. my forehead seems like a mountain range, and certainly not a pretty one. i guess its not that bad, but its certainly worse than what my skin usually looks like. i also think im starting to get more vein-ie on my chest. i still have next to no cm which makes me kind of nervous, but im trying to tell myself that everyone's pregnancy is different.

all this car stuff is getting moving. bought our new insurance policy, we're officially grown-ups now, and im headed to the dmv tomorrow with my dad. i was going to ask my mom to watch sofia, but she said how much fun my dad would have running after her in the dmv. i forget that grandparents usually love the tasks that parents get annoyed with because they do them constantly. im hoping its a fast process.

sono is a week away still. sigh. I JUST WANT TO GET THERE AND SEE WITH MY EYES THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING THE WAY IT SHOULD BE, ARG!! clearly im having a difficult time with my patience. whatever, today is my last day of work for this week (i NEVER work on fridays, one of the perks of part-time-make-your-own-hours-employment) and then we have a 3, well 4 for me, day weekend. im hoping we get some decent weather and i wish someone's pool would be open already. we have no set plans as of today for memorial day but im sure we'll wind up doing something. then just 2 days of work and then its thurs. time should fly right by, right? i hope so.

anyway, loving reading along with everyone's journeys, good luck to you ladies starting ivf, and double congrats again to Roxx!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

almost 6 weeks

so im getting there, slowly, slowly. tomorrow i'll be 6 weeks officially, but all of the calculators have me a day ahead (claiming that today im 6 weeks... liars). my gums are a little swollen today which is new. mild fatigue continues, super smelling continues, falling asleep fast continues, oh, and the feeling of fullness started yesterday. i dont think its as noticeable today, but i guess thats because yesterday was the first time i felt it. im also getting those annoying sore at the site pimples here and there. ive only had 2  that id consider that annoying but im wondering what pregnancy will do to my skin. currently i have one on my shoulder thats pretty annoying. whatever.

here in ny its pretty gloomy and supposedly its going to stay gloomy pretty much all week. to make matters worse im stuck in the house until the fedex guy comes to bring me round 2 of my suppositories and baby aspirin. at least its not raining today, not that i mind the rain, i love a good downpour (and can not wait until its warm enough for sofia and i to run around in the rain in the summer)i just dont love the gray hue of the day when its crappy out. i would really like for the guy to come at like.. um.. 11:45, which will hopefully be right when sofia is waking up from her nap and then id like to head out to grab some fruits and veggies and visit my mom for lunch.

my sugars have been pretty steady which im really thrilled about/thankful for bc i have a fucking conniption every time im above 180 for more than like 30 minutes. peanut butter or pb products have seemed to be the culprit each time ive had a problem. since pb is a protein it slows the absorption of sugar into the bloodsteam, which is usually good (prevents spiking* a very fast rise in blood sugar) but it can also delay the rise of blood sugar so that the active time of your insulin may expire before all of the sugars are broken down. its just hard. i feel like if anything goes wrong a way we dont want it to, im going to blame myself. how could i not?  as a diabetic controlling your blood sugar is an annoying and constant job and you dont always have control over what happens. the weight of knowing that if your sugars aren't on point while your baby's major organs are developing is just so much to take in and deal with. i think that things are going well, i try to hang out under 100 most of the time and not to go over 160 when i eat. im doing pretty well with a few difficulties here and there. im just trying to take it day by day, hour by hour.

did i mention that i can not wait to get to this sonogram next week? by that point, according to my calculations ill be 7w1d so im really interested to see what the lentil (not sure how im going to refer to embie over the long haul yet) measures in at. clearly im hoping that all is well and there is a detectable heart beat, spinal pole etc. im kind of dragging my feet on finding an ob, but i just dont feel like its necessary until i see that things are going well on the sonogram. i know it will be kind of late to be finding/meeting with an ob for the first time at 7/8 weeks, but ive been under the close care of my RE this whole time and ive already visited my regular endocrinologist. plus the further along i am in the first trimester, the less they'll be able to scare me with the percentages and statistics about things that go wrong early. im hoping my RE has a nearby recommendation, if not, lovedove did find an all female practice not far from here. sounds right up my alley, only ladies in my alley from here on out, badum ching! oh man, thats the other thing. ive almost completely lost my filter as far as what comes out of my mouth. after my mother-in-laws concert on sunday, lovedove, her pops, and i were waiting outside for mom-in-law. lovedove's dad said something about me having bad taste in something, i cant remember what it was in reference to, but this pregnant genius come back with "we have the same taste in women so i wouldnt be judging my taste in anything". ps lovedove's parents are divorced but still very friendly towards each other. needless to say my little joke wasn't met with any laughing, and overall it was simply awkward. i felt bad about it later. it was just weird weird weird. i usually think odd things but manage to keep them from escaping my mouth. i wonder where that symptom will take me. i hope i dont wind up as the mayor of i-say-really-awkward-things-and-constantly-alienate-those-around-me town. God help me.

i love the blog world, but sometimes i wish i didn't read as much sad/unfortunate stuff as i do. it only makes me crazy. i know as a now pregnant woman that i should just be aware that things like this happen, and in turn be extra super thankful to be preggers, but it just makes me worry so much about what might go wrong.  im just so ready for this baby, i want him/her to stick around and bake for as long as is needed/doable, and then be born a healthy baby. i still rely on my little mantra to keep me calm sometimes and im glad that i started doing that as early as i did. i do actually think it helps.

anyway, crossing my fingers for the ladies trying/testing this week, and hoping that all you pregos are feeling good!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

symptoms and randoms

i feel like i have very few of them. the one that strikes me the most is my sense of smell. i can smell everything. sometimes its wonderful, when you pass an eatery and think, oh that smells so good. sometimes its torture. for example, as you may have read i went to my regular endocrinologist on tuesday. im usually a baby in comparison to the other individuals in the waiting room. on tuesday when i walked in, i was met with a pretty much empty waiting room, but the overwhelming stench of elderly ass. im not sure how i know what elderly ass smells like, but im pretty sure thats what this room smells like with a pregnant lady nose. it was strikingly disturbing to say the least.

im not really getting specific cravings yet, but anything that sounds good to eat or looks good, or anything i think of, I WANT, and i want it NOW. this has been rare and is not that far from my non pregnant food cravings.

ive been having cramping probably every day or so. im ok when they're just noticeable but i do tend to get a little nervous when they're strong-ish. i just have to tell myself that my body is doing what it needs to do. ive also had some hints of color on my pantyliner daily. i think its mostly tan tinted, the nurses said to expect that from the progesterone. ive had a little spotting, pink, but pretty rarely, and not a lot. doing my best to stay calm when that happens, i think im doing a decent job.

also, im irritable, sometimes.

i think the thing i love the most is that im falling asleep quickly at night. i feel like i put my head on the pillow, and as soon as i am comfy enough, im out like a light, which is super nice because ive never been that good at falling asleep quickly.

onto the randoms..

1. i forgot to write that during our 2ww, both lovedove and i had dreams that i got bfns.

2. ive seen the justin beiber "boyfriend" video twice in the last 2 days, and i feel like a super old lady watching it. he's what? 18? which means that pretty much everyone in that video is what.. 18-23 which makes the oldest person in that video 5 years my junior? its strange.

3. yesterday was our anniversary and lovedove and i had a wonderful day. she let me sleep in until about 8:45(which was amazing, today im returning the favor), and then we got ready to go to the all-star games for the NYCGBL. we also did dinner, my parents had called to pick up the tab, (thanks mom and dad!), and then we went to the movies to see the dictator. it was hysterical and a little offensive, pretty much par for the course for sasha baron cohen.

4. sofia has always had an obsession with shoes. it was probably one of her first words. now she's big enough to put her feet in ours and shuffle around the house. i love every second of it.

5. we're getting a new used car from my dad. he gets a new business car every 4 years, so he gives his "old" one to one of his daughters. my sister got the last one in 2008 because they bought me my hyundai in 2003. so, i guess its my turn again. we'll be inheriting a 2008 honda accord in wonderful condition. a few minor issues here and there but clearly a large gift. i kind of have mixed feeling about it because i absolutely love my car. granted its 10 years old now, but it has been such a good car. no huge issues, lots of flat tires and headlight changes, but thats about the worst of it. its a small sedan that was always able to haul everyone and anything, and was small enough to fit into tight spots. according to the specifics i just looked up, the accord will only be a foot and a half larger than  my current car, but im not sure thats true. we'll see. once we get this car, we'll officially be complete adults bc our parents have paid our car insurance to date, and this will mark the end of that. luckily for us we found a great quote through geico because lovedove is a teacher. thank god, car insurance in ny can be so insane. so long story short, ill be heading to the dmv at least once in the next few weeks (SHOOT ME). i might try to talk my dad into going out to long island bc dmvs in queens are terrifyingly packed and slow as shit, always.

this is too long and sofia is getting antsy.

hope all of you ladies are doing well!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

day 30 !!

so i made it through 30 days of daily blogging (i only cheated and skipped one day, which i still feel bad about) and i dont think i want to blog on a daily basis ever again. im glad ive made it to the end, i just want to get this over with so here is the final qotd, #30.
Give us a link to one of your favorite non-infertility sites, or tell us about your favorite distraction activity/feel good movie/book etc. 
one of my favorite non infertility sites is SheWired although i really dont spend that much time on the computer other than blogging/reading blogs/fb-ing and checking email.
as far as distraction options, i prefer movies. particularly movies that don't involve babies or pregnancy, which leads me to children's movies. One of my favorite children's movies is Enchanted. I love Amy Adams, but i truly love the whole movie. true love, animal companions, funny wonderful songs, and susan sarandon as the evil queen, what more could you ask for?! i smile through 90% of this movie every time i watch it. i love it so much, i highly recommend it!

yay! thats the end of that!

so my super faint staining seems to have ended, although im still checking like a lunatic every time im in the bathroom. i went to lunch today with my sister and her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's sister, who i was meeting for the first time. my sister had told the both of them that i was pregnant (because my sister and my mother are not good at not sharing) and so they congratulated me. i thanked them about the congrats and then continued to say how nervous i was and how  much time there was for shit to go wrong. after that conversation, i was like, i must seem like a total fucking lunatic. however, i do totally think that women/people who haven't had infertility issues themselves and/or don't know anyone who has had infertility issues, dont give healthy pregnancies a second thought. i believe that they assume, that once you're pregnant, that's it, only thing to worry about is behaving properly for your pregnancy. after i got over my momentary weirdness, i remembered reading Roxx's blog at Bangkok Baby Project and her refusal to stress over the wellbeing of her pregnancy. she's right, because what's going to happen is going to happen and there isn't anything we can do truly. so i am trying to take that experience, and remember that i just want to be happy and thankful not only when people congratulate me, but all day every day. its going to take some work to get there, but i think i can do it. enough stressing already, i need to cut the crap.

i had to order more baby aspirin and progesterone today, and i also placed an order for a larger box of finger condoms. with shipping i got almost 5x as many for less than the cost of a box of 30 at my local cvs. my sonogram is two weeks away from today, and im thinking im going to take that night off from work. why not right?

so anyway, ill be blogging less, but reading everyone's stories every day. keeping my fingers crossed for ladies who have conceived long ago, recently, and those still ttc. i want to thank everyone for all of the encouragement and congrats i've received so far and i'm going to be sure to keep passing the love on.

ive got to get a move on, have to leave for work in an hour and there are many things to be done!

adios ladies!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

5w or 5w1d

(according to what i think, today is 5 weeks, according to everything i put my due date into, today is 5w1d. whatever, it doesn't make a difference but i just wish it all said the same thing.)

i decided to call my RE's office just to talk to them about the very light staining i've been having. to be honest it's 2-3x per day and very very light pink. i drove myself completely crazy yesterday reading stupid threads about half of the women saying its fine and totally normal, and the other half saying how it led to disaster for them. i spoke with one of my favorite nurses who said that it's nothing to be overly concerned about. she tried to reassure me that it is most likely from doing the suppositories so often everyday and as long as its not accompanied by "constant painful cramping"(i did tell her ive been cramping off and on) and it does not get any worse, I should be fine. that was all i needed to hear. that is exactly the answer i was hoping to receive and my insane paranoia has subsided for now. i worked myself into such a frenzy yesterday because occasionally the cramps are kind of strong, but they usually pass moderately quickly. im hoping that everything i'm feeling is just normal growth stuff and everything is just fine. my ultrasound is 2 weeks from tomorrow, which seems like a million years away. luckily we have a bunch of stuff to do this weekend. saturday we are going to one of our favorite fancy wine bars to celebrate our 5 year anniversary. it will be fine for me to not have any wine, though i do love wine with delicious food, and im reallllllly looking forward to whatever we eat. the food there is always phenomenal. the following day my mother in law's oratorio society is performing their spring concert, so we'll be attending.

then next week will come and go with the normal routine, and then next saturday we have 2 events. a 4th birthday party way out in long island, and then the second is a 30th at night that i really want to go to. the bar the party is going to be at is supposedly known for its dance atmosphere later in the evening and im really hoping that i have the energy to go out. i haven't been out dancing in forever, and i have been wanting to go for months. as if suspicions weren't high enough at the last 30th i didn't drink at on cinco de mayo, im sure people will notice my seltzer with a lime as opposed to my usual beer, if they aren't tanked when they get to the bar. whatever, im sure all of my friends know somehow. it doesn't matter. i'm just not sure how i'll hold up even if i do go out. im hoping ill find some energy and they'll start the dancing at a decent hour and i'll just get swept up in the music. fingers crossed.

qotd 29 (almost done!)
what is your favorite book?
well, this isn't hard for me because as i've admitted before i'm not a big reader. i think my favorite book is Wicked. although i did absolutely love tina fey's book Bossypants. I really enjoyed it because it was hysterical and i guess it kind of reminded me of reading blogs. i should look into reading books by more comedians.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

nice and quiet

(early in the day)
sofia is napping and its pretty much the calmest part of my day. the dog is also napping, sprawled out on the other couch. we had a lovely morning. sofia didn't want to dance today (we dance often after breakfast to assist the insulin in breaking down my sugars quickly so my blood sugar level doesn't spike), but we did play with her shape sorter. i was so impressed! we usually don't play with that toy together, but lovedove says they've been playing with it often lately. i was almost in tears to see her little brain working so hard to find the right place to put each shape. i cant believe how smart she is getting, its really insane to watch your children grow and develop.

i made my 6 week ultrasound appt today, and based on the dr's availability it looks like we'll be doing a 7 week ultrasound instead. this wait will most likely be unbearable for me since i'm a total nervous wreck. i've had some super duper light staining these past 2 mornings, that i wouldn't even have noticed if i wasn't completely paranoid and checking constantly. i know that spotting is normal for a large percentage of women who have perfectly healthy pregnancies, i would just prefer to not have any staining at all. im aware that this can be caused by several things, including sexy time, or more likely the 4xdaily suppositories im doing. i think as long as i only see it once a day and its very light i'll be able to not go insane. i just keep telling myself that my betas have been very good and if i'm not having any pain, then there really isn't any reason to worry (the no pain thing may or may not actually be any kind of indicator, ive read several things online). working on that staying calm thing i've been talking about lately, because really, if something goes wrong, God forbid, there isn't anything i can do about it. for now i just need to focus on being happy that im pregnant, it still sounds weird to me, and keeping my sugar in check. my nights have been better since i adjusted my hourly rates during sleep hours and im waking up in better range, which makes me very happy.

one small sidenote about my betas... the thought has entered my brain more than once that the numbers are kind of high. not the highest numbers in the world, but high enough that they seem on-track-ish with twin betas. wouldn't that be the most ironic thing in the world if i had intentionally only transferred one blast and wound up with identical twins? and if i did have twins, its pretty much a guarantee that i'd have twin boys, because im kind of hoping for another girl (we have sooo many lightly used girl clothes, i'd love to be able to use them again) and we have a hard time with boys names. can you imagine? whatever is meant for us is meant for us, but at this point in time i'm hoping for just one, healthy little embie to stick and grow to be a healthy baby.

went to my regular endocrinologist today. she upped my synt.hroid to 100mcgs from 75mcgs. didnt have much to say other than congrats. i've read enough in books and online about pregnancy and diabetes that i pretty much knew everything she said to me. my next appt with her isnt until july, which seems really far away. whatever, i dont need any additional appts to worry about, if she thinks its fine to wait 8 weeks to see me, then it probably is right?

i was crampy for a few minutes today, about an hour ago. i keep telling myself its nothing, im just very in tune with my body. i've always been able to feel myself ovulate, i guess i just am very sensitive about when things are going on in my body. i just feel so unsure. so many of the blogs i read chronicle difficulty getting pregnant, and ive come across a few where the ladies have problems staying pregnant. im so petrified that something will go wrong. i wish i didn't feel this way. i dont want to be worried( like a psychopath) for the next 9 months.

anyway i have to get ready for work, blah, but at least thats a few good hours where i'm not thinking about myself. i really feel like it is the best job in the world for forgetting your own issues for a while. plus i just remembered that i ordered girl scout cookies from one of my 10 year old clients. i should get them today :o)

qotd 28
Have you ever done something non-traditional to help you conceive?

i think IVF/ICSI is pretty non-traditional. i've said before how i never thought that i'd get to the point where i was in need of services like that. i still can't believe that i did all of that. really life? im pregnant now because i did ivf with icsi which means i did an egg retrieval and single blastocyst transfer? its very very strange. i still feel like the whole process was some kind of weird dream.

i also believe that eating pineapple helps to conceive.

Monday, May 14, 2012

beta #2

beta today was 1204, 72 hours after the first one which means the doubling time is 40.77 hours. pretty sure thats right on target according to ive been feeling fine, its odd that people are asking me the way they ask "real" pregnant women. the embryo is the size of a sesame seed according to my new pregnancy app. im starting to feel more excited everyday, but im still crazy paranoid about something going wrong. lovedove keeps telling me to relax and enjoy the moment, so ill keep working on that.

dr said everything seems good so far, said to schedule the 6 week sono in about 2 weeks for "any time you want". he seems pretty open as far as availability, so ill call tomorrow to try to schedule it. wondering what will work out best for us as our schedules are opposite, and the only day we have time together is friday afternoons. i would hate for either one of us to have to miss more work. whatever, ill figure that out tomorrow.

also have an appt with my regular endocrinologist to address my thyroid medication. she knew i was ttc and said to come in as soon as i got preggers. so thats tomorrow. i almost feel like a fraud but the numbers dont lie!

qotd 27
what is the nursery currently being used for?
right now the nursery is Sofia's room. in a year or so it will be the kids' room. craaaaazy.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day

we had the best mother's day ever (to date). we were up and out early to the beach even though all of the meteorologists were predicting a gloomy/cloudy/rainy day. we got to the beach about 10:30 and it was absolutely beautiful. we had the most wonderful few hours. sofia didn't sit for more than a minute. she was running into the water and didnt get scared or cry when her tiny toes touched it for the first time this year. she just wanted to keep going. she loved feeling the water on her legs and falling down in it. she just could npt get enough. luckily we had multiple outfits just in case something like this happened, i couldnt believe how she braved the chilly water, but i was glad to get her out of her wet clothing and into the next warm and dry outfit. it was simply wonderful.

i know that mothers day can be particularly difficult for those ttc, but just know that we'll all get there. i know it seems like sometimes the day we're waiting for will never come, but it will. so happy mothers day to the ladies who are mommies, those who are mommies to furbabies, and those who are making their way towards motherhood. just try to enjoy the day ladies. find someone to pamper you, although it can be hard to get pampered when you're in a 2 mom couple, take turns i guess?

i have my next beta tomorrow and im a little nervous. i feel like i shouldnt be, i havent had any pain or spotting or anything that i would think should make me nervous. im just so hopeful and i dont want anything to go wrong.

(im sorry that my thoughts are super jumbled, my brain has been struggling lately to make sense)

qotd 26
Post a picture of something that makes you happy.
i could post a million pictures, but here is one of my favorites from today. Sofia looks so big even though she's still only 20 months old. i just thought it was a really interesting photo, that happened to be taken on a very happy mother's day.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

4w3d :o)

so of course i wound up telling just about everyone (except my coworkers) who knows that we've been ttc that  im pregnant. im trying to stress how early it is to everyone, but everyone seems to be blowing over that detail and just responding in a very happy and excited way. whatever, it made me feel good to be able to tell people.

so now that i know im pregnant im constantly super worried about my sugar. i have been waking up higher than i want to, 115, id prefer to be under 90 honestly, so today i tweaked the settings on my pump. time will tell if it works out. i had a little issue today when i went to watch the NYCGBL Women's Championship games. I think it was a combination of my adrenaline running high watching the games ( im quite the cheerleader when im not playing lol), and dehydration. I guess i just didnt drink enough so i stayed around 160 which is higher than id prefer to be for more than an hour. on the way home i basically chugged a 1 liter bottle of water, i guess i really was thirsty, and shortly after that my sugar calmed down. lesson learned. ill stay hydrated. when we got home i got pretty tired and took my first pregnant nap. it was like heaven. i napped for about an hour and i felt like i could have stayed in bed for the rest of the day. i got up so that i wouldnt miss out on the rest of the day with lovedove and sofia and i ate and magically became re-energized.

speaking of staying hydrated... ive always been a huge water drinker. i have a new obsession with a new beverage. seltzer. i love it so much. i think it helps me cope with my diet's new lack of beer, because beer is really the only carbonated beverage i drank on a regular basis before getting pregnant. so i buy a few different flavors, usually nothing too sweet, and i drink huge amounts of it. i read on somebody's blog that some doctors recommend drinking a gallon of water a day. im pretty sure that wont be a problem for me. a gallon is a little less than 4 liters, 8 pints to be exact, and im pretty sure i drink that amount on the average day. seltzer is a wonderful and welcomed addition to my beverage diet.

i sneezed today, and held it in, old habit, and i felt some pressure in my ute/ovary area. then i was like "oh crap, can i do damage like that?". i've been working on sneezing out loud since i had my ER done. i made the mistake of holding one of my sneezes in and felt like this guy but instead of my eyes and ears popping out i felt like my ovaries were going to pop out of my body. it was unpleasant, but the pain passed quickly. something as simple as a sneeze cant hurt little embie right?

back to the 30 day challenge today, i skipped yesterday bc i was celebrating my good news. poor excuse i know but i didnt want to bother blogging for a second time last night.

qotd 25
what was your first baby or pregnancy related purchase you ever made? was it before or after you started ttc? why did you choose that particular item to buy first? 
the first purchase i made for pregnancy/baby#2, was actually a present for baby #1. i bought a "big sister" shirt for sofia in a 2T (because it was on sale and she's pretty tiny.. about 50th %ile on height and weight charts for children her age) in hopes that i would be pregnant in time for her to wear it/have it fit her once baby #2 arrives. i did purchase this item prior to becoming pregnant. i chose to purchase this first, um, i guess because im kind of petrified of how Sofia will act when we actually do give her a brother or sister, so i know we'll have to make her feel super special as the older sibling. after we got the results of the beta yesterday we asked Sofia "would you like a brother OR a sister?" her response was "No." we were looking for a preference, not her absolute refusal to even consider that there might be another baby entering the family. it was hysterical, its not like she would have been able to actually say brother or sister, but we thought she would have at least tried.

Friday, May 11, 2012

the results are in

my dr just called and im still shaking.

im at 11dp5dt, which is 16dpo, and my beta is 354.

next beta is scheduled for monday, please God let this embie keep growing!  Dr. said the things look "very good", thats about all i could ask for.

Happy Mothers Day to me! f*ck yea! I cant believe it. I'm so happy right now.

now, to decide how to handle info sharing with all of my IRL people. think we have to tell the grandmas, maybe not the grandpas yet, certainly the 2 aunties. anyone who reads this blog will know (maybe 5 of my close friends) and im not sure what to do about the rest of them. whatever, will talk to lovedove when she gets home.  any suggestions ladies??

im truly over the fucking moon right now. i cried my eyes out (briefly). im finally pregnant. i cant believe it.

yay for this wave of bfps for everyone, what a blessed mothers day it will be.


(according to internet calculators, im "4 weeks 2 days" pregnant. who? me? YES ME! HOORAY!!!!)

disclaimer: despite my over-excitement, i am still very much aware of how "early in the game" it is. ill keep praying for  all of us, so pray for me too!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

anxiously awaiting the beta

i called my RE office to speak to my nurse and ask if i needed to schedule my bloods appt for tomorrow or if i could just come in. she said it should already be scheduled for me and to just come in. then she asked how i have been feeling and i said fine and told her i had been poss. she said that was cheating and said to just wait on the beta bc hpts can be really sensitive. i know that its not "official" until the blood results come in. i know that i have to have at least 2 betas before i can really call myself pregnant. i guess i had started to feel kind of confident based on the number of strong positives ive gotten that they'll confirm my pregnancy in the coming days, and now my nurse has gone and lead me into the land of uncertainty once again. i guess its a necessary reality check, but i like the small sense of calm that i felt when i would get a strong +, by no means do i think its my green light to a perfect full term pregnancy where they hand me my child in 37 weeks. im aware of all of the hurdles, all of the markers, etc. ive been there, from the partner perspective so i almost feel like the stress is even greater when its not your body.

i need to just relax. stressing the unknown isnt going to do me any favors. i said all i wanted to know from doing the hpts was just get a hint towards how i "should" be feeling. i "should" feel good at this point knowing that im testing positive on hpts. i hate the word should. i need to stop using it. i need to relax.

here's disa helping me relax (and preventing me from blogging for a few minutes). when she puts her big puppy head on my chest it really does calm me down. she's such a snuggler and i love that about her. she's pretty good at giving doggie hugs when she's snuggling. she's a big mush and i know that we have not done enough to promote personal space boundaries for when we have guests, but it is completely hysterical to see her just lay all over people who enter our home. most of them dont care, but we always make her get down if/when one of our guests is uncomfortable. she just has too much love to give.

qotd 24 (im getting tired of blogging every single day)
does your religion (or lack of) help/hurt/affect your fertility journey? does it affect what treatments  you do?
i want to say that my religion does not play that much of a role in my fertility journey because if i answered that question off the top of my head i would say no. with that said, i do thank God every night for all of the good things in my life and i do ask for his help going forward bc i know that i have no control over what happens. i feel like i kind of plead with him because i feel like he pulls the strings in life. it hasn't affected the treatments we've done and i think that it is unfortunate when religion hinders families from utilizing all of the treatments available to them. i get it, but i think its sad. so i guess my religion does play a role, just not the leading role. i think the affect it has on our journey is just removing the burden of fault if something were to go awry, and giving us a place to put our thanks when things go how we'd like. 

i think i got my thoughts across, i hope that made sense.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012


my love affair with dollar tree tests may have ended. i went to Deal$ and bought 6 of the same pregnancy test yesterday (the two i used had been sitting in my medicine cabinet for like 3 months) because i had researched the situation and found out that dollar tree bought deal$ in 2006, and there aren't any local dollar tree stores. long story short, i didn't do that well holding my pee last night because i had some issues with my insulin pump at 2:30am, my sugar was at 250 and i was furious. so of course while i put on a new pump in the bathroom i figured id pee. when i got up at 6:30 and my sugar had returned to a normal/healthy range i tested. i took one deal$ test (which is the same exact product/hpt that i had bought from dollar tree) and the line was very faint. so i took another one, another faint line. i started to get kind of concerned, so i took the Answer brand test i had laying around. that came back with a strong positive, thank God. that put my fears to rest and made me mad at the cheapie tests. "see, im pregnant you stupid tests", i didn't actually say that, but that's what i was thinking. needless to say ill be purchasing more non-dollar tree/non-deal$ tests today. its just so unfortunate bc those other ones are only $1 and so many people on ttc sites seems to like them a lot (ttc women's preferred hpts). guess ill be blowing some more $ on the bigger brands. at least this is a temporary addiction to feed, and hopefully its the last time ill be testing, God willing.

huge congrats to Roxxroxx @ Bangkok Baby Project for her bfps and great beta!

(later in the day/evening)

yes i am very confused about why the same product from 2 different stores has yielded such odd results. i bought a 3 pack of FRERs today and i got a very strong + on that and a pretty faint + on the cheapie.  dont know why i had such great results the first day i tested and crappy ones with the newer ones i bought.

people at work have been asking me about how "things went". i told them that i wont know until the end of the week, and in any case i wont be talking about it for a while. i'd either be getting back into the procedures for the second round, or id be keeping my mouth shut about my very new pregnancy. i kind of wish everyone had figured out proper infertility lady early pregnancy etiquette without it having to be addressed, but i feel good that everyone will not be asking now.

also .. with the progesterone suppositories, i hate it a lot less since i bought a pack of finger cots. they're like teeny tiny condoms for your fingers. i know that chefs and medical people use them, and i guess people who have to use suppositories are also ideal candidates for their use. im much less grossed out. i highly recommend them.

yea that is a lot of random stuff, but its all stuff ive been forgetting to write.  can you have "pregnancy brain" this early?

qotd 23
put your ipod on shuffle and list the first 10 songs that play.
(im kind of VERY scared of this one, i have a lot of random stuff on there, i should have put my ipod on my list of guilty pleasures, pls dont judge me)
1. if i cant have you - yvonne elliman, saturday night fever soundtrack
2. hold on - wilson phillips
3. no one will do - mjb
4. nasty boys - janet jackson
5. this love - maroon 5
6. breaking point - etta james
7. r-e-s-p-e-c-t - aretha franklin
8. i kissed a girl - katy perry
9. dont drink the water - dmb
10. hey jude - beatles

(that is the best shuffle ive ever done somehow. there were no disney songs, no boy bands, no spice girls, no musicals, and none of sofia's lullabies that we always have to take with us on vacations. that was truly incredible)

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

8dp5dt evening and qotd

i managed to hold my pee for 5 hours (the entire time i was at work) and got home and tested again.

so im happy that there is still a line there and im starting to get kind of optimistic. i have activities and outings lined up for the early part of the next two days, and in the afternoon/evenings ill be at work. so theoretically one would think that the next two days should fly and ill be at my beta appt on friday morning in no time. i guess thats not really likely but im hoping. i will be continuing to PoSS (some sticks.... courtesy of Roxxroxx) but ill spare you the viewing of things i've peed on from here on out. I may post a single picture of them all laid out in chronological order once im done peeing on things. (truly though, these tests come with a tiny eye dropper kind of thing so i pee in a plastic cup and then apply the designated 4 drops to the test. so im not actually peeing on anything.) like i said earlier, my goal is just to make these hpts my b*tch (i mean that as non-derogatorily towards women as possible, just couldnt think of another way to say it) and to just be as informed as i can be prior to my beta on friday.

qotd 22
how has your financial situation affected your fertility journey?
personally i feel like this question should be worded the other way around. for us, we knew that family creating/baby making would be pricey because we couldn't do it ourselves, so when we got married and got many monetary gifts, we put a good chunk of that money into a savings account.we did our best to never touch that account ever, it was strictly reserved for baby/family things and/or emergency use. that savings account has allowed us to explore all options necessary to date. it may be half of what it once was, but you cant really put a price on family expansion.

i mean i definitely understand how if you dont have amazing insurance like we do, your financial situation would certainly affect the decisions you'd be making. we just got lucky with insurance and we managed to plan for this kind of situation just enough (it seems). im just thankful that we've been able to make the decisions we have been able to make without thinking about super drastic financial stuff. its drastic enough, but its not like we have a mortgage to pay, didnt have to sell a car, etc, or anything like that.


so i braved the evil hpt this morning. i used the coveted dollar tree brand which ive read is very sensitive, and got this.
i am happy, optimistic, and cautious bc its still early. in this home however, that is the darkest bfp we've ever seen. i was really surprised to see the second line show up. i still kind of dont believe it. now ill be moving into crazy testing land and im off to the dollar tree today to buy another, oh i dont know, 6 of them? i plan to test am and pm until my beta that way i should have a good idea of what answer ill get from my RE on friday. i just want to be as prepared as i can be, either way.

today is a good day.

Monday, May 7, 2012

7dp5dt - evening

usually when ttc women post 2x in a day they have some kind of news. i dont have any news other than i think ive made the decision to start testing tomorrow, a full day earlier than i had planned. i think that i just need some hint on how i should be feeling. i feel like im so threatened by peeing oas that the hpt has the upper hand in the equation. im actually scared of it. in order to try to regain the upper hand in the battle versus the evil inanimate object, i think im just going to start testing in the am. it is what it is. maybe ill be pleasantly surprised.. we'll see.


mr.sof.tee did obey my mental command last night and i was thrilled to have my Chocolate Merlin for dessert. it was fabulous. my wave of super tiredness passed and i was able to stay up until our regular bedtime at 11, which was good because i would have hated to miss Mad Men.

im starting to lose my mind with all of these faux symptoms. not that ive had that many, but when i think about it, it seems like a lot. ive certainly had many feelings/twinges in the last week in the ute/ovary areas, some brief periods of very slight cramping, fatigue, mood shifts, increased appetite, and now i feel like im starting to break out with these tiny non-pimple bumps on my forehead/face and thats super abnormal for me. so maybe these do add up to a significant number of faux symptoms. its hard not to feel like they all mean something. i keep telling myself that im still on progesterone and estrogen and that this is all probably nothing, not because i want to be pessimistic about the situation, i just don't want to get my own hopes up if we're just going to wind up with another negative. trying to stay in the "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" mindset. oh God how i wish this time would be the time. its getting hard not to test, but i know that if i dont stick to my guns about not testing until at least wednesday ill be shooting myself in the foot. as slow as time seems to go when you won't poas, time essentially stops once you have, no matter what result you receive. at least thats how it feels for me.

speaking of the time, big congrats to Lex. im hoping that her bfp starts off a wave of bfps for the rest of us.

oh, quick question. one of my great uncles passed away over the weekend. we were not super close (maybe i saw him once or twice a year for most of my life, he always lived far away), but he was a lovely jolly generous man. he passed away from a heart attack at 80. i wasn't that upset to hear about his passing. is that wrong? i feel like he lived a good life, enjoyed successes, lived well, and didn't suffer a long and drawn out battle with any major disease at the end of his life. i almost feel like, what more could you ask for? my mom is devastated bc he was her favorite uncle, i feel really bad that she's so upset. but what can you do? old people die, we all will, and new babies have to  be born. in fact, that is exactly where my mind went when i heard he passed, which i feel terrible about. i thought, this is just life, family members pass and new family members will be born, and hopefully the next new family member will be my baby. who knows.

qotd 21
5 guilty pleasures
1. junk food. ring dings, candy bars, cheese doodles (JAX - omg)
2. alcohol - vodka in particular. i feel like a  rockstar when i drink vodka and lovedove HATES me when i drink vodka bc i get particularly obnoxious
3. mary j (very rarely prior to ttc, never now, but i do still have feelings for her)
4. LMN. i almost feel like if you dont know what that means i wont tell you, i will anyway. its Life.time Movie Network. occasionally lovedove and i will watch a super terrible movie on that channel. i feel like once in a while you need to watch a really crappy made for tv movie with terrible actors so that you can appreciate good acting in other shows/movies. plus its hysterical to laugh at movies with terrible plot lines.
5. home shopping channels/infomercials. i kind of love them and i always have.

Sunday, May 6, 2012


its seis de mayo and i kind of feel like i drank all day yesterday. i have zero energy. all i want to do is lay around. we went over by my parents today and they bbq'd a bit. i was happy to sit and do nothing while the grandparents fawned over Sofia. i ate some chicken, a hot dog, and a hamburger. then i laid in the grass (its a super duper small backyard) and i almost fell asleep. since arriving home about 2 hours ago ive been on the couch. my eyes are hot and kind of heavy and i feel like i could fall asleep if i went to bed right now (its 7:22). i reallllly want Mr.Sof.tee to come around, he usually shows up around 8, so my fingers are crossed.
 <------- i want this. badly. he needs to get here now. if he doesn't come tonight, my back up dessert is sugar free jello pudding in the fridge. i much rather do some extra insulin and go with a deliciously cold chocolate covered ice cream cone. o god now my mouth is watering.

going to stay strong and not test although ive seen very many images of + hpts via google image searches. i will not test until at least wednesday. the longer i wait the less time i have to freak out until the beta. trying to stay calm.

time for qotd #20.
were you a product of infertility?
nope. my parents went on a babymoon, and here i am.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

cinco de mayo

and i didnt have a drink all day, at a cinco de mayo/surprise 30th birthday party. im sure it looked quite suspicious but im pretty sure everyone else was too busy getting drunk to really notice. it was hard not to have a drink, so i had a margarita mix (only) spritzer. it did the trick. not the best tasting virgin drink ever but it made me feel festive for a second. i drank a crap load of seltzer and ate a ton of party food. im still so full.

i  have definitely been feeling weird twinges in my lower abdomen and ovary areas, but im sure its just my body settling back into not-being-over-stimulated-mode though its still enduring extra high levels of hormones. my appetite is also out of control. all i want is greasy fried foods and desserts, lovedove says that is the way she felt too early in her pregnancy, so its either that, or the progesterone, or maybe both. one can hope right?

lovedove had a dream i got my period, i hope that dream doesnt come true next saturday. im trying to stay positive and hopeful, and im planning on filling my week with outings so that friday morning comes before i lose my mind.

5 pet peeves.

1. unanswered ringing telephones.
2. people who think they're "too cool". bite me.
3. people who have all of the answers/all of the advice in the world about any and every topic possible, even though they have no life experience in those areas.
4. people who breed pit bulls/strive to maintain the breeds (inaccurate) rough/tough/big/mean reputation.
5. people who display excessive pdas.
maybe i dont like people that much. lol.

Friday, May 4, 2012

starting to really feel it

i hate the 2ww. i feel like i did ok for the first few days because it was such a weird situation with lovedove gone. now i've been reading too much on the internet about people saying that they test as early as like 5days after a transfer and that you can get bfps pretty early, but i really dont want to get into any of that. i feel like i have no symptoms because i keep telling myself i have no symptoms. what would even qualify my justify as symptoms, my addiction to sweets/desire for junk food and fatigue? those are symptoms of any day for me.

i feel like blogs and google posts about where im at (4dp 5dt)so that i can generalize everything, make myself part of a group, so that i can feel like im not the only crazy person trying to navigate the seas of infertility. i read some first time success stories with ivf, some first time failures, and then my head gets swayed depending on what i just read. then i try to just tell myself that it totally doesnt matter/has no bearing what on me/our outcome how other people did with their treatments. everyone is different. every situation is different. they should just anesthetize us for the 2ww. we would give our bodies the best chance of being successful and we wouldnt have to go through this torture. what a thought.

hoping that we can enjoy our weekend and that it goes kind of fast. i feel like my week next week should go kind of fast, as it will be my first full week at work in a while. we'll see. my goal is to wait until at least weds, which will be 9dp5dt. i might get cold feet at that point and be afraid of getting a negative on a hpt and just wind up waiting for the beta, but who knows what my nerves will make me do at that point.

qotd 18
favorite infertility relatable quote. 

"even miracles take a little time" - Fairy Godmother, in Cinderella

“If a tree falls in the forest, can anyone hear it? If an infertile bangs her head against the wall in a bathroom at a baby shower, can anyone hear her?”

Thursday, May 3, 2012

back to normal.

returned to reality today. lovedove came home and it was the cutest airport scene. the elevator doors opened to the luggage claim area and sofia spotted her mommy immediately. she ran (as fast as she could without falling) right into lovedove's arms.  it was wonderful. we spent some quality time together before i had to leave for work and tonight its back to our normal routine of tv time on the couch. so happy to be back in our daily normalcy, with the exception of being fairly early into our 2ishww. still have a week until the beta test next fri. seriously debating some hpts weds or thurs. i feel completely normal except for my wanting to eat all junkfood. prob the progesterone and estrogen. who knows.

i've been feeling like there really is no pressure on this cycle. i am very comforted by how many embryos they were able to freeze and i feel like even if it takes us more cycles to be successful, we're pretty much set for the next few months. plus our insurance supposedly covers 3 ivf cycles so i feel very well covered. of course i hope  for a happy result sooner rather than later, but all of this really puts me at ease, as much as one can be at ease while being very hopeful during the 2ww.

qotd 17
3 wishes.
1. to like my children in their teens years and adulthood. LOL
2.  to always happy enough in our jobs throughout our lives.
3. to be outnumbered by pitbulls (that get along swimmingly) in our old age (and that they dont get separation anxiety when we travel the world).

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

my last lonely night

not that im that lonely, the dog certainly takes up enough space in the bed. she manages to take up a good third(+) of the bed on a normal night, so you can imagine how she sprawls out where there is only one mommy in the bed. clearly im thrilled that we're almost done with this ridiculously timed business trip. i cant wait to hug her and smell her, that was always my favorite part of reuniting(she was away  for 2 years in college). i did every single (mostly redeye) airport pick up, gladly. you know how everyone just has a smell, right?

2dp5dt nothing to report today. the random here and there nausea continues, really only once or twice a day for 20 mins, thank you progesterone suppositories. i thought for a second my boobs looked bigger, but im fairly certain they actually dont. the only things i want to eat are crap foods and sweets, but thats probably me just eating my stress. hoping that the little embie decides to act according to the nyu schedule i posted yesterday and will begin to implant tomorrow. today i really started to think about if im going to poas. im pretty against it, as bfns are heart wrenching for me, and those tiny faint positives i had in december are still sitting in my head. i might test a day or two before the beta, but we'll see what i actually wind up doing. one of my coworkers (they're all straight.. which is kind of odd now that i think about it, but i do work at a small and kind of conservative mental health clinic) is also trying to get pregnant. she has endometriosis too, but didn't have a problem getting pregnant with her first, so i kind of feel like we're in a race, even though clearly we're not. id like to come out a winner either way (pregnant, and soon).

qotd 16
Have you ever bonded with someone in real life over infertility even if just for a few minutes? 
I'm racking my brain, but I dont think i have. the only person that i know of that had real difficulty getting pregnant is one of my cousins, but that whole situation was very hush hush. everyone knew she was having trouble, but no one talked about exactly what was going on. she wound up with fraternal twins, so im still wondering how that happened.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012


well not much to report here. did my final IM progesterone injection last night and it went even better than the night before. those last 2 i had to do myself which was a little difficult, but i think i over thought the whole thing instead of just doing it. im glad those are over with, but now im moving onto progesterone suppositories. FUN! how much fun you ask? 4x a day fun. i have no problem getting the pill size capsule up there, but i kind of wish that they gave me an applicator or something. i remember when lovedove was on these, she was given a different brand that came with applicators and it was only 3x a day. it really doesnt matter, we all know ill do anything to get to where i want to be. oh the other thing about the progesterone, pretty sure its going to make me nauseous. i battled it for about an hour this morning, which was interesting. it just annoyed me to be feeling queasy this early because now i know even if i do feel nauseous, its probably all just a side effect. i also start my vive.lle patches tomorrow, im interested in seeing what those do to me. ive read in a few different places that women using them get crampy. we'll see. i may have had some slight cramping today, but not much at all.

so my brain has been wondering what exactly should be happening in the next few days if i am going to become pregnant. thanks to the fine folks at NYU Fertility Center i have a much better idea.
i am so hopeful that we'll be successful with this cycle but i am really going to do my best to keep a level head. im going to try to stay neutral telling myself that its not going badly or going great through the 2ww because whatever is supposed to happen will happen.

im super tired of lovedove being out of town. im ready for her to be home. tomorrow im back to reality and back to work. taking the last 4 days off of work was probably the best thing i ever did for my mental health. not that my job is that stressful, but i just didnt want to have to think about anything but my family through this whole process. its been very nice to have sofia's grandparents take the lead role in caring for sofia for the last few days. i feel very well rested and calm, or at least as calm as you can be when your other half isnt around. i know that tomorrow will go really fast and then ill be at work, and once im home from work the day is over and ill just have to get through the morning and then lovedove will be back. i think we're though the hardest part already, it just sucks to be apart during something like this.

my mother is driving me slightly insane today. she does a wonderful job caring for our daughter, but she gives in to Sofia's every desire. sofia is outside for the 3rd time today, not that i mind its beautiful out, but if sofia grabs her shoes and says "out" and walks to the door, my mother takes her out, even if they just came back inside 15 minutes ago. my philosophy on child rearing is to have the child just adapt/be integragted into the adult's plans, not the other way around. i dont want sofia who is all of 20 months old thinking that she calls the shots. i mean she does call a lot of shots, but i dont want her to get used to getting any and everything she wants. maybe im just a moody and angry person today. who knows.

qotd 15
List 5 things you want to do before you die.
1. Pay off my student loans/debt (so that i can go into debt trying to send our children to college, haha - we (pause) are (pause) the 99%, sorry cant help but throw in a little OWS reference with them all over the city today. but seriously we are the 99%, lets tax the billionaires please, thanks).
2. Own a home.
3. See each of my favorite musical artists live at least once (rip Amy Winehouse, that one didnt happen)
4. travel a ton.
5. win something, a big prize or some cash, i think that would be really fun.