Friday, March 30, 2012

post-op with high hopes

i had my surgery this past wednesday and according to my re, everything went great. i had the following done, a hysteroscopy with resectoscope, d&c, and polypectomy. all of the nurses i dealt with were supremely nice and wonderful. the worst part of everything was the post op nausea. apparently im super sensitive to the anesthesia, and the next time i go in for a surgery im supposed to tell them i have "severe post op nausea". they tried to see if i would just recoop over time, but an hour later they could still see me struggling with the "omg-i-think-im-gonna-puke"s just by my face and they gave me some meds. they told me it would make me sleepy, and it did just that. i think i snoozed out for about 30 minutes, and when i woke up i felt like myself again. i couldn't believe it. i asked what she had given, and she called it "drope" shes like you wont remember the whole name (she was right, she told me and i have no idea what it was) so she said to stick with that any time i go in for surgery. mir-a-cle drug. yesterday the sorest part of me was my throat honestly. just a little discomfort in the nether region, and some slight spotting that i've been told is to be expected.

so i talked about the worst part, im trying to think if there was a best part of the surgery stuff. oh! lol, the best part. during my presurgical testing they ask about substance use. im always very honest but this nurse who examined me was clearly new-ish, and wanted to be very thorough. i admitted to occasionally hanging out with mary jane, i probably told them 3-4 times a year. its probably slightly higher than that but def not more than 10x a year anymore. so the presurgical testing nurse must have recorded it (the nurse who did my presurgical testing for my first surgery in september who was clearly experienced/sesasoned, paid absolutely no attn to it other than to tell me not to smoke for the week leading up to surgery) in my file. so when the nurse was checking me in on wednesday, she asked about my use of "street drugs". i was confused at first but then i remembered, and responded by telling her that i hadn't since my birthday. she repeated the date that the very thorough nurse had recorded and i confirmed. my wife was half furious at me for sharing with the presurgical testing nurse, and half completely humiliated to be near me during such a conversation. so i laughed for the rest of my 2 hour wait before i was taken in to the operating room, lovedove did not laugh as much as i did, but it certainly kept me in the best mood ever. it was completely hysterical, to me at least.

but i guess the real best part is that my recovery time was like non existent. as soon as the nausea was gone i felt fine. i went to work the next day, granted i work afternoon/evenings and i sit in a chair and listen to people, but i was fine to do that. so happy about that.

most awkward part? um, i guess signing the waiver my doctor asked me to sign, saying that another person would be present during my surgery. one of the reps for one of the machines/tools my doctor was going to use would be present, but he wanted me to sign it, and what did i care, i was going to be knocked out. just another person to get a glimpse of my vagina. great. whatever. my wife was right about not caring about having people see every part of your entire body by the time your pregnancy is over. i'm not even pregnant yet and im almost over it.

the doctor said that everything went well and we are good to go for my next cycle. im starting to feel kind of excited because although i have been working on my to-do list since late january, we havent been close to doing anything productive in months. im afraid im getting too excited though because i feel like now they've looked at my reproductive parts from every angle, and seem to have cleared up everything. im feeling like now that this second procedure is done, i might have been able to get pregnant with just another (couple of) iui(s). luckily for us, we get to skip that and jump to ivf. i have my meds, im working on getting that final vial of "back up sperm" and i should be able to start my meds in just a few weeks. im aware that my excitement will vary depending on how well my body responds to meds, how the egg retrieval goes, and so on and so forth, but im just feeling so hopeful again. its been a long time (for me) since ive felt that way and im thankful to be in such good spirits.

im looking forward to a wonderful weekend with family and friends, and i think im about to try to take a nap. sofia is asleep and im jumping on this opportunity. if only i could lay in her crib with her <3

Friday, March 23, 2012


just got my meds in the mail. hopefully in a month we'll be good to go!

more venting

its friday, thank God.

sofia has been having a tough time falling asleep this week, both at bed time and at nap time. im on duty for the nap time portion of the day. generally our nap time goes something like, i put her in the crib and lay her down, i sit at the computer, in the corner of her bedroom, clearly not the optimal placement due to it being literally off limits once she's asleep, and she winds down and falls asleep in about 20 minutes. i sneak out once she's asleep. lately, i put her down and head to the computer and she throws her 3 pillow pets out, her blankey out, her binky out, runs around the empty crib, and then starts yelling "MAMAMAMAMAMAMA" and speaking in her gibberish language. at this point she has been trying to settle down for oh, i dont know, a good 40 minutes? she's almost out of energy though. sometimes i think that the sound of my typing helps to put her to sleep. ok, maybe its the lullabies, but you never know. as frustrating as this process can be, shes getting so awesome everyday, i know i said that already recently. next.

this week was pretty insane. tuesday our music class plans didnt work out well so i wound up on the phone with the insurance company, our nurse, etc. remember how i said that our nurse buddy Heidi ordered our meds on monday? she did, but the fertility pharmacy didnt put it through, and by tuesday, that insurance system glitch had kicked back into being a problem. so first i called the fertility pharmacy to tell them to hold off on processing the order until i could make sure everything was fine in the other system(even though the woman i was speaking to said that they always run things through the policy holder's name only - i dont believe her). then i called the ins co and straightened that out. later i called back and tried to place the order for my meds. well the patches that heidi ordered are technically a menopausal drug so my ins wont cover that until im 49 years old (21 years from now) so luckily heidi was able to substitute another brand, so it wound up being covered. after that got straightened out we set up for delivery for today. lovedove was able to check the ins websites to find out how much we would wind up spending on the meds, i think my wife said its less than $200 total which sounds amazing to me. the most interesting thing after all of this got storted out... my HCG shot only cost $10. read this if you want to know why this is interesting to me.... anyway im thankful most of my shit was covered. very thankful. now im just waiting on the shipment that will undoubtedly arrive (with a ring of the door bell and the dog barking) as soon as sofia falls alseep.

wednesday was pre op day. went in at 8am and was seen pretty immediately, which was pretty impressive. had a very nice nurse but she was caught pretty off guard when it came to the marriage & children questions.

her-are you married?
her-how long are you married?
me-almost 5 years
her-oh, so you've been trying to have children for a long time?
me-no, im married to a woman, we've only been trying with my body for 6 months
her-Oh. (silence) i see here you have an adopted daughter. ((this info is in the my record from my first surgery 6 months ago)) what country did you adopt from?
me- my wife gave birth to her. i adopted her so that i can be her legal parent in any state or country.
her- oh.

im pretty sure i blew her mind. she was nice enough though, she seemed new anyways. my fave (sarcasm) part of pre-op is the ekg part, which was done by a different nurse. i got to be topless with an awesome gown, opposite of my normal undressed from the waist down, and the nurse has to move my breasts like they're small boulders to place the ekg electrodes. they're never rough or anything, but its just so uncomfortable for someone to move/lift your breast for you. my boobs are kind of big so i just feel like the process is so, just weird. yuck, i hope thats the last time for a while. i hate it. schkeeves me out. anyway then they told me to go get cleared by  my regular endocrinologist for surgery. luckily was able to schedule an appt for later that day, the only draw back is it is located at the exact same exit. back out i went. i get there my dr sees me, tries to get my labs&ekg from the presurgical testing people, they claim i didnt have an ekg. i get on the phone and tell them to find the record bc its there, bc it was done. they do. im hoping all is well now with my records although i didnt stick around to find out if the faxes got sent/received, etc. not my fucking job people, you guys can handle that with the 50 people you employ. hopefully its all taken care of.

now that the surgery is right around the corner, im starting to wonder about how long ive had these endometrial polyps in my uterus. from what ive read (not much) they dont grow quickly at all, and symptoms of larger polyps include: spotting between periods, pelvic cramps, heavy or prolonged menstrual periods. ive got the last 2, and always have since ive had my period. how long have these things been in there? and i really want to know how big they are, it totally doesn't matter, but i like knowing how large the things that were growing in my body that shouldn't have been there are. im kind of hoping that my periods wont be as traumatic once they're removed. here's to hoping.

(man i have a lot to say today)

2 more things. we'll start with the one i like less. yesterday Sofia and i went on our weekly date with my sister, her aunt. we went for lunch at the bar my mom and sister both work at (that sounds strange, i swear we dont live in a little hick town). we were having a lovely time chatting when a lady with a carriage comes in. i was like o how cute, a cute little boy for sofia to flirt with while we sit here, fine. then we find out he just turned 1, and she's like 5 months pregnant with the 2nd one. my jealousy was like off the charts. not that i would have wanted two kids that close together, but my God, if only to be that fertile and seemingly simple/complication-less. i almost ordered a drink, but i didnt.

and now to end on a super happy note. 2 new baby boys (via 2 different friends) entered the world this week. russell joseph and henry alexander. happy, healthy, and perfect. im so happy for their families, but a little jealous as always. hoping we'll get a chance to celebrate a birth day in our family, in about a year....

ps sofia's not asleep yet

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


tomorrow is pre-op testing for my surgery next week. im assuming it will be the same kind of thing as it was last time. bloods, bp, ekg, lots of verbal questions. i've opted to leave Sofia at home with one of her grandmas as the process took much longer than i had expected back in the fall. Sofia was a trooper through it all, but i dont think she'd be able to handle it again as she's only becoming more and more mobile, and less and less patient - at times. not that i can really complain, she's still a wonderfully behaved baby (im aware she's not a baby anymore) but i just think it might be less stressful to just go alone.

im starting to feel anxious about the surgery, a hysteroscopy, itself. though it seems like a fairly simple and fast procedure, and im very happy that they're putting me under for it, im not a fan of coming out of anesthesia. i guess im somewhat traumatized from the last surgery. i was absolutely wacked coming out of anesthesia. granted i was also in some pain from the incisions, but i was on another planet. they sent me to the bathroom to pee before i was allowed to leave, and my wife said i was in there for like 10 minutes. i thought it was more like 5, but it did feel like forever. how am i supposed to pee when (a) i can hardly feel my body (b) i havent been allowed to drink liquids for 12+ hours (c) im high as a kite. so ive requested that my wife accompany me to the bathroom when they try to put me up to this task next week, instead of having the nurse guard the door and repeatedly ask me if im ok while im in there on this annoying mission.

im really just hoping that they dont find anything even more wrong while they're in there. and can you guess how excited i am that my doctor will get to see me naked again? shoot me. and im also thrilled that they'll be introducing new instruments to my vagina and uterus. last night while trying to fall asleep i was thinking about how my body would be positioned for this procedure. do they strap my legs into stirrups that way when my body goes limp i dont fall off the table? im laughing at myself just thinking about this, lets keep going... do they just lay me flat and spread my legs a little? do they have people hold them up and apart? try to get them over my shoulders?? am i going to wake up with sore leg muscles? ok i guess thats enough insanity. next.

my nurse buddy ordered my fertility meds yesterday. yes its early but better to be prepared. so that was kind of exciting. i feel like we're finally getting closer to trying again. although the injectables coverage has been a nightmare of its own. im covered through my wife's insurance. we have different last names. the injectables part of her coverage's computer system doesn't have a field for last name for the people covered under the policy holder. so it has seemed that every time they update their system (weekly) my name gets automatically reverted to her (the policy holder) last name. so we made sure to temporarily remedy the situation in time for my nurse to order the meds, and to inform the computer people about the glitch. there is no way we are the only family facing a situation like this with different last names. doesnt this seem so stupid in 2012? anyway. next.

i have to like do a little diddy here about how much i love our daugther. i cant believe how awesome she is. yes im one of those annoying moms (right now, for this moment, im not like this on a daily basis, at least not out loud) but she's friggin adorable and smart and funny and amazing. she's doing new things every day. lately she likes making "hats" out of her own empty shoe boxes, covering stuffed animals with a blankey and giving them a binky to put them to sleep, and this morning i watched her give one of her stuffed animals a "bath". she was on her bedroom floor and no water was involved, but i watched her take the travel shampoo bottle out, "pour" some on her hands, rub them together, and gently massage the stuffed animal. then i almost died when she tried to shake the travel powder on him when they were done. shes only 18 months old and she's learning so much every day. its crazy. and its crazy that we're moms to this amazing young lady. ok, thanks for letting me do that.

we're off to a free trial music class today with friends so we've got to get a move on.

more to come... stay tuned....

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

so i had been feeling like it had been slow in the world of blogs i read lately, and then yesterday bam, a slew of posts. i was glad to read good news for the pregos, and i dont think there were any bfn stories yesterday so thats a + too.

i just got the letter from my RE that my next procedure (to have the polyp(s) removed) is scheduled for the end of the month. glad its on the calendar, and im hopeful that this is the last hurdle for us at this point in time. i know that 6 months isnt a whole lot of time in the real "trying" world, but ive been actively prepping for a year, and it feels like forever. honestly, in the lesbian world where you truly can not get anywhere reproductively without a 3rd party, or the sperm of a 3rd party, i feel like the rest of the world should multiply your planning/prepping/trying time by 2 or 3 to have a better understanding of where we actually feel like we're at. i mean i guess the same can be said for any couple having infertility issues, for me it just feels like lesbians have it pretty rough in general.

so thats my next step, hopefully i wont have any frustration to blog about in the meantime, but ill certainly be reading in the meantime. good luck to ladies trying in the coming weeks. fingers crossed!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

settling into the new plan

last night was our ivf orientation meeting. luckily for lovedove and i, we google a lot of crap and are pretty informed about the process so there was not that much new information. i liked the woman that presented and the crowd wasn't huge. we were the only same sex couple there but there was also a young woman who we assumed(yes i know what happens when you assume) was there with her mother because they had the same exact face, so she seemed to be the other "non-traditional" participant or whatever. i was certainly the youngest because at 28 who the hell would think you need ivf? im still shocked that this is my best option because i never thought i'd have this much trouble.

 it was a 2 hour session which didnt feel too long because this woman provided a ton of information in her presentation and sent us all home with a hard copy so that we didnt feel like we needed to write every little detail down. im a bit intimidated by the packet of consent forms, as there are about a million of them. i havent read any of the ones in the packet yet, but im sure ill have to sign off on the fact that im ready and willing to endure whatever horrible side effects/medical mishaps may come. i love that, reminds me of when we signed the papers that determine who gets Sofia should we both die simultaneously in some freak accident. although the woman did discuss the ART (assisted reproductive technology) boarding pass, which includes the participant deciding what happens to any frozen embryos in the event of her death. we had a very brief conversation about that in the car on the way to dinner afterwards, id want her to use my eggs/embryos, or at least to have the option to do so. she said she'd have no idea if she'd be strong enough to do that, but at least she'd have the option. so morbid, ugh.

i think we left feeling ok overall. we waited around to see if i had been "cleared" yet to begin, and she said she thinks that she just got an email today that i was cleared. once you're cleared you get assigned a nurse who is like your buddy through the whole process. im in (medical provider professional) love with Gail so im crossing my fingers for her. she has known the answer to every question ive ever asked her. i hope that any other nurse who shares her position would be just as good. my other medical provider professional crush is on sharon, i think that was her name. working closely with either of them would make me overjoyed and probably a lot more calm. i should hear from someone by the end of the week.

so i have a ton of phone calls to make today. i have to call my insurance company and figure out what the fuck is up with my injectables coverage, as we have it, but they've never paid for fucking anything. clearly im angry about this. im crossing my fingers that i get on the phone with an intelligent person who can tell me whats up, and im dreading the fact that im pretty sure they are going to say i need to use freedom fertility (my history with them is summed up here). whatever it is, ill have to deal with, so hopefully one way or another i get some answers today.

tomorrow is my appointment with the diabetes in pregnancy center. im assuming, yes i assume kind of often, that they are going to make me repeat my bloods, 24 hour urine, and ekg. i plan on telling them how disappointed i am in the way they've handled my "case" thusfar (can be read here) and im sure ill be calm and polite but get my point across. i actually think im very good at expressing frustration and disappointment in a very professional way. its probably because i work with underachieving (codeword for LAZY) teenagers constantly and ive had terrible bosses in the past. but im not really looking forward to that appointment for any other reason than to be able to check it off of my to-do list, and add whatever tasks they want me to complete. i really work so well off lists. my brain isnt organized enough to make a mental list, i honestly need it on paper. then i actually need to be able to cross stuff off. its a very dumb thing, but i feel like i havent accomplished stuff until i can cross it off a list. the same way that i feel the need to put a slash through each day on my calendars. i feel like thats weird.

anyway, i may as well get going on those phone calls, they aren't going to dial themselves.

oh the last thing i want to address. i think ive had it with the secrecy of this process. what is the point of me trying to hide this from people who are significant to me in day to day life? why should i shield them from the crap that is my infertility struggle? i feel like im only perpetuating society's hush hush crap about personal struggles. i think im going to tell my close coworkers, as they've been asking me whats wrong (when i show up all puffy eyed at 4pm), and tell my mom she can spread the word in the family. im hoping they'll all have and use adequate judgement and wont ask me where im at every other day, i hope im not giving them too  much credit. i should probably spell out that ill tell them stuff when i want to/need to, and would rather not have them ask randomly. yea ill probably do that.

 im pretty sure that my cousin had some fertility issues but everyone only whispered about it. she/they wound up with fraternal twins, my mind has always wondered about how that happened. if her stuff had been more public, maybe i could have found solace in talking to her through this. i dont want to be another person who's trouble with reproducing is something to be kept quiet. yet again, ill have to advocate for another subgroup of the population that i (involuntarily) belong to. i know that not everyone wants to share their stories all the time, but i think i do, and im ready to break out of my blogging-only-silence.

how have all of you handled this?

Monday, March 5, 2012

really? really though...

just got back from my water sonogram and guess what?! more surgery is needed. honest to God. am i not supposed to have children? are all of these obstacles God saying to me " hey lady, you're a lesbian for a reason"? i am so discouraged and so angry, i almost cant believe it.

today's discovery is that i have 1 or 2 uterine polyps. the water sonogram was absolutely fine. i was pretty nervous about it, its just more wet than a regular sonogram. no additional discomfort. no additional time. i was glad about that. i was worried for nothing. that hardly ever happens in this fucking tale im telling.

my question is... why the fuck didnt we do this simple test earlier?? how about before the first surgery? how about after it? how about any other fucking time other than 6 months into my actual ttc process?? it was so damn simple, why the hell didnt we do this test earlier? as some of you may know, ive been planning this pregnancy (whenever it happens) for a year now. i have cried so many tears, spent a boatload (for us) of $ in copays/injections/sperm/my surgery deductible, spent a whole lot of fucking time/gas/energy going to and from all of my monitoring/inseminations/procedures, and im fucking tired. and now im angry too. not a good combo. im so upset that if i could call out of work tonight i probably would, but i have a really important session with a client and her dad tonight and i would feel terrible if i cancelled last minute. they'll just have to look at me all puffy eyed and gross. whatever. plus i need all of the income i can get at this point, and unfortunately in the part time/fee for service world, if there is no "service" proveded, i get no dinero. speaking of dinero, we joked about naming a potential son Dinero, or even Cash after all of this. (i hope you know we're joking, as much as we wouldnt want to name our potential son something very overdone and tired, we would not be naming him either of those two, even though it would be hysterical).

my brain is just becoming so jaded. sometimes i feel like many of the blogs i follow are ones i can barely relate to anymore bc everyone is getting pregnant (trust me im very happy for them, but im also just very jealous). and i feel like im facing so many obstacles just getting pregnant, that im scared for what will happen when i actually do get pregnant. like all of these negative "what if"s in my head keep happening, how am i supposed to have good energy going forward when i have a history like this?

i feel like today's only silver lining is that we had already learned last week that april was going to be another skipped month. im hoping that this is the final hurdle on my path to getting pregnant. i have barely googled anything about it yet, but the procedure seems to be a d&c and many women talk about little to no recovery time. i hope i can be like them. im so tired of crying angry/sad tears. for the record i dont actually cry that much over this stuff, its usually just reactionary crying, and then some tears when wifey and i discuss it. she has been so supportive throughout this whole ordeal. even when i get upset about the money of this whole thing, she insists i have to carry our next baby. i dont know what i would do without her support. i also dont know what i would do if Sofia wasnt the cutest, sweetest, most well behaved 18 month old ive ever met. shes been an angel through all of my car rides to/from appts and she almost always sits quietly in her stroller while medical professionals place various objects in my vagina. one day when shes old engouh, ill embarrass the hell out of her with these stories, hopefully her little brother or sister will laugh along with us.

"i like to keep my issues drawn, its always darkest before the dawn."
ill have to shake it out and keep on trucking.