anxiously awaiting the beta

i called my RE office to speak to my nurse and ask if i needed to schedule my bloods appt for tomorrow or if i could just come in. she said it should already be scheduled for me and to just come in. then she asked how i have been feeling and i said fine and told her i had been poss. she said that was cheating and said to just wait on the beta bc hpts can be really sensitive. i know that its not "official" until the blood results come in. i know that i have to have at least 2 betas before i can really call myself pregnant. i guess i had started to feel kind of confident based on the number of strong positives ive gotten that they'll confirm my pregnancy in the coming days, and now my nurse has gone and lead me into the land of uncertainty once again. i guess its a necessary reality check, but i like the small sense of calm that i felt when i would get a strong +, by no means do i think its my green light to a perfect full term pregnancy where they hand me my child in 37 weeks. im aware of all of the hurdles, all of the markers, etc. ive been there, from the partner perspective so i almost feel like the stress is even greater when its not your body.

i need to just relax. stressing the unknown isnt going to do me any favors. i said all i wanted to know from doing the hpts was just get a hint towards how i "should" be feeling. i "should" feel good at this point knowing that im testing positive on hpts. i hate the word should. i need to stop using it. i need to relax.

here's disa helping me relax (and preventing me from blogging for a few minutes). when she puts her big puppy head on my chest it really does calm me down. she's such a snuggler and i love that about her. she's pretty good at giving doggie hugs when she's snuggling. she's a big mush and i know that we have not done enough to promote personal space boundaries for when we have guests, but it is completely hysterical to see her just lay all over people who enter our home. most of them dont care, but we always make her get down if/when one of our guests is uncomfortable. she just has too much love to give.

qotd 24 (im getting tired of blogging every single day)

does your religion (or lack of) help/hurt/affect your fertility journey? does it affect what treatments  you do?

i want to say that my religion does not play that much of a role in my fertility journey because if i answered that question off the top of my head i would say no. with that said, i do thank God every night for all of the good things in my life and i do ask for his help going forward bc i know that i have no control over what happens. i feel like i kind of plead with him because i feel like he pulls the strings in life. it hasn't affected the treatments we've done and i think that it is unfortunate when religion hinders families from utilizing all of the treatments available to them. i get it, but i think its sad. so i guess my religion does play a role, just not the leading role. i think the affect it has on our journey is just removing the burden of fault if something were to go awry, and giving us a place to put our thanks when things go how we'd like. 

i think i got my thoughts across, i hope that made sense.