a million days later

well its been just about forever since my last post. clearly we've been busy. we completed the purchase of our home, moved in, did some renovation (some ourselves and some contractor work) and for now we're just about finished with this wave of home modification. just have to pretty up the unfinished basement and get some shelving, and pave the parking spot in the back. we love this house. we're very happy here.

my SiL is coming to visit in 2 weeks, the first time she's been back since...... um.. i actually cant remember. i guess it was in the spring, i know we walked over to this house, but i know we hadnt closed yet. so i want to say it been 5 or  months since she was here last. im worried about how emotional it is going to be for all of us. she has never been in this house before, and the anniversary of my MiL's death is coming up next friday. my SiL will arrive the following week. we would not have this house if she had not died. i typed that sentence and then my brain was blank for a few moments. in one way it seems impossible for it to be true that she's gone, and in another way, i feel like the walls of this house are her arms around us always, protecting us from the outside world, making us feel comfy, being the support under our feet with each step we take.

i feel like most days i've learned to numb myself to the pain of losing her. but then that same numbness sometimes gets in the way of me providing support to lovedove, bc i've numbed myself which is fine, but then im less sensitive to her grief. on other days, i'll break out the alphabet book my SiL made for Sofia's 2nd christmas and see her picture. and then im a puddle. i really wanted to watch some video of sofia when she was born, for her birthday last week, and i just couldnt bring myself to do it. i dont think i've heard her voice/watched any video of her since she died. my brain wants to, but my heart knows it will just break into a million pieces the first second i see or hear her. i get emotional enough, and it usually just happens when i look at our girls and wish that she could be here with them. we're so lucky that our girls are happy and healthy and funny, it just seems so unbelievably unfair that she doesn't get to enjoy them in body, i know she's with them in spirit.

so yea im worried about our emotions all being on overdrive, but i know there will be lots of alcohol, which might help, maybe, but sometimes that does the opposite. whatever it is, i will be thrilled to have my SiL here, in our home, given to us by her mom.

(well that took an unexpected turn, deep breath)

anyway, we are all doing well, thank God. work is good with both lovedove and i, not without its frustrations here or there, but overall its fine.

sofia just turned 4 and started 5 day full day (6 and a half hours) pre-k. so far she likes it, but seems to have loved nursery more. i think she just has to adjust to the longer hours. i have to adjust to seeing her A LOT less. its probably good for our relationship though, bc she and i tend to butt heads. now she comes into bed to snuggle with me when she gets up, and seems happier to be around me when im not at work. her going to prek pretty much eliminates any extended daytime contact we have monday through thursday (the days i work) and this will be our first weekend together in our new school year schedule. sofia is awesome, and is hands down the best big sister on the planet (most days). she has had no problem sharing any and all of her toys, even the birthday toys she got last week. she's super nurturing and caring and compassionate. she's truly an amazing little girl.

laila on the other hand...... lol. she is a great kid, funny, excited, "passionate", and by "passionate" i mean she throws one hell of a tantrum. she's truly a mini me, just the way sofia seems to be a mini lovedove. its so interesting to see them carry the strong traits of each one of us. laila's tantrumming has been rough lately, but we've been working with her to try to find compromises. we also think its the storm right before a growth and language boom. she just turned 20 months, so thats what we're thinking. she is a snuggler, and is trying to hold onto being the baby for a little longer. she eats like a teenage boy, runs around like a kid on a sugar high, and makes really funny faces.

there are no words to describe how blessed we are, but like anything else, some days are really hard.

i continue to read all of your journeys though not as vigilantly as i once did. sending hugs to all of you out there ttc and all of you moms caring for little (and big, and four legged furry) ones. hope you are all well.

till next time....