Sunday, September 30, 2012

24w without a doubt

today im 24 weeks according to my ob's calculation. thankful beyond thankful that things are still going pretty well. everyone keeps asking me how i feel, and overall i feel pretty darn good. i cant really complain, but you guys know i do most of my complaining here, so im actually usually way  better than i sound from what i type, at least i think so. the only thing that is probably super accurate is how irritable/mean i am sometimes. not a fan of it, but whatevs, hopefully its temporary.

i feel somewhat comforted that we've hit the viability mark, i hope it makes me feel a little less anxious. im still pretty much a nervous wreck, though feeling her often does help to lower my anxiety. but then if i dont feel her for a while i get a little anxious again, i just try to tell myself i was probably too busy to notice her little movements because sometimes thats true. anyway....

took some pics....

a little blurry and i had to cut sofia out bc we're still sensitive
about having her face on here, though that seems silly bc
shes all over our fb pages. silly mommies. whatever.
this is pretty much me, everyday. hair in a ponytail, looking exhausted.

24w1d self shot (i feel like the belly looks small in this one)

this is my Dexcom CGM, freshly put on. lasts for about a week or
until the adhesive wears off and it pretty much falls off.
seen here on my left hip/lovehandle area

this is my Omnipod insulin pump, on my back, lower left side

here's the full side shot, i usually dont wear them that close
together but sometimes moving sites around gets tricky.
there's sofia in the background

um, a few other things before i end this one.

twice, thats right twice, this week i made myself this: a turkey burger, bbq sauce, sliced pickes, macaroni and cheese, and a sliced turkey dog, all on one toasted bun. LOVED IT.

i pretty much ate a box of ring dings myself this week. my sweet tooth is out of control, luckily i have plenty of insulin lol.

i've gained 12 lbs so far, which i cant remember if i've mentioned. i'm trying not to pay too much attention to the weight gain, because it is by far the absolute least of my worries. i've crossed the 200lb threshold but i totally dont care. just hoping i dont blow up bc im pretty sure i gained next to no weight in the first trimester and i feel like any weight i've packed on has been in the last 3 months.

sofia's vocab is out of control. she's learning new words every day and its totally insane. although she refers to doggies as "yoggies" dont ask me how or why. she can definately make the d sound, some kind of ron burgandy pronunciation disorder i guess. she regularly makes 2 and 3 word sentences, which is mind blowing to me. in potty news, she's doing great. getting used to pooping on the real potty, which is lovely bc we do not have to transfer poop from one potty to the other. on the other side of the coin, shes starting to throw things, getting a little bit more of a "terrible" attitude here and there, and sometimes she tantrums to try to avoid going potty. its all good though. wouldn't change a thing about her.

basketball for the NYCGBL started yesterday. we went to watch our friends play in a few games and im already thinking about my return to the league in the spring (hopefully). it was just so nice to see people in our community again since we never go out to any gay bars. we were happy to spread the pregnancy news and there were a few shocked faces but all of them seemed happy. i miss sports so badly, you have no idea. speaking of sports, the (NY) Jets are playing today, and they're my team. yes they suck. i've found that my favorite thing to do is drink cans of seltzer while i watch the games. mimics my first beer love (thats over now unless its some kind of really "classy" occasion,but who am i kidding i love some crappy beers sometimes) coors.light pretty well and it makes me feel like im drinking a beer. as beer is the only thing ive ever drank out of a can (i've never been a soda drinker). sorry that paragraph was really parenthesis heavy.

anyway i think thats it. have a lovely sunday ladies!

Friday, September 28, 2012

6 months

according to me, im 24w2d today. i feel like things are really starting to hit me. my belly is getting more obviously noticeable as a prego belly, a few people have told me that i've popped lately, and i can feel baby like crazy. its awesome, i love it, and it is kind of strange at the same time. in the last week i've had some pressure in my lower abdomen, some pain in my pubic bone, and some round ligament pain. not very comfortable, but usually it goes away even though it is often prolonged. i'm definitely starting to waddle a little. i'm also starting to realize that i cant run myself ragged all day before i have to head off to work at 4pm. these last few days i've been on the go in a non stop way, and im getting to work and wishing all of my clients would cancel so that i would be able to put my head on my desk and sleep. clearly i dont actually want that to happen because then my paycheck would be a whopping $0, but sometimes its very difficult to stay awake engaged (on a serious note i've never even come close to falling asleep on any client lol).

things that make me feel like a moron lately: my brain doesnt work, and i'm always so amazed at how pregnancy feels. let me start by elaborating on times when my brain doesn't work. i tried to spell the word brownies to lovedove the other day because i didn't want Sofia to know that i was planning on making them and i left out the W. i referred to my first trimester as my first semester. i've had more "duh" moments than i can recall. maybe memory loss should be added to the my-brain-doesnt-work category.

moving on to being amazed at how pregnancy feels. its really really interesting. i have had an obsession with prego bellies in the past and was all over lovedove's during her pregnancy, but i only thought about what it felt like from the outside. i never thought about what it would feel like when baby is moving around/kicking inside of your body. i'm amazed at how strong the kicks are getting (for only being 6 months) and that its not like little pokes anymore. i'm definitely beginning to be able to feel some of her stronger movements from the outside if my hand is on my belly, which leads me to believe that its probably almost time to start to let people try to feel her movements. i'm kind of having mixed feelings about that. my mom has already tried to feel baby and that just made me feel awkward. i also remember waiting and waiting and waiting for the little one to kick when i would try to feel sofia, so i think im kind of making my own standards for belly sharing kind of high. i want her to be kicking hard enough/moving around drastically enough that people will get a guaranteed feel and she has to be in the right spot so that no ones hands are too low on my belly. i also feel a little awkward about people touching my belly bc its always been my chubbiest body area, and there is still a moderate layer of chub on the belly which probably muffles baby's movements to outside hands. whatever i need to get over it and just enjoy. if i had a dollar for everytime i said that....

a friend asked what pregnancy felt like the other day. i pointed to one of sofia's soccer sized outside play balls, and told her that ball, in my belly, filled with jell-o pudding with a mini baby inside. speaking of pudding, im all about sweets. i couldn't care less about spicy. just give me sugar. as a result i've gained 12 lbs already. im going to need to get a little more active because i dont really want to gain more than like 20lbs in total. i guess i could stretch it to 25 and i'd be ok, but im bigger to begin with so i dont think im supposed to put on any more than that. speaking of weight, i feel like i have no idea what my body used to look like. the change has been so gradual, i don't really notice from day to day, but im certainly bigger every week. though i did see some guy friends at a birthday party on saturday that told me how great i looked and that i "didnt even look pregnant". i think some people associate "looking pregnant" with looking like crap, why is that?

anyway its almost breakfast time. im going to do my best to post the pictures i "owe" this weekend i feel like that is on my to-do list and i'd like to scratch it off.

happy (almost the) weekend ladies.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

nothing much to say for a too early post

im just up too early, and i praying this is not the beginning of pregnancy insomnia. i got up a few minutes before 6 because my cgm was claiming (by buzzing) that my blood sugar was over 160, which made my brain quickly go into a panic. i checked and i was at 121, which is higher than i prefer to sleep at, between 70-90 is pretty much ideal, but it wasnt as bad as being high. however, at that point in the morning lovedove's alarm is going off every 10 minutes, and for some reason today i just really didn't have much of a chance of getting back to sleep. Sofia sometimes lets me/us stay in bed until 8ish which is absolutely heavenly, but she is a pretty light sleeper once the morning hits, so lovedove's morning routine has been waking her up a little before 7 on most school days. i know its probably annoying to hear a part time stay at home mom bitch about waking up early, since i dont have a job that starts in the morning, but sometimes i feel that makes it harder for me to deal with. my brain says, why the hell are we up, we dont have any where to be crazy little lady, go back to bed! but i guess its the lure of ses.ame street at 7am.

speaking of ses.ame street, i love this show. i find it quite entertaining while being educational and funny, but i feel like they air the same 4 episodes over and over. is this not the show that has been on for a billion years and has thousands of episodes? i understand that they only have so many "new ones" but for fucks sake, i've seen a few of the episodes like 40 times, and i'm pretty sure there's no exaggeration there. im so tired of watching the same episodes. AND i havent watched the show routinely in like 4 months. how is it possible that they havent added new ones into the mix? in any case, sofia enjoys it regardless, and at least once a day she sings "sunny days, sunny days". im trying to help her work on the rest of the song, but the first two words she's got down pretty well. my favorite ses.ame street song is Murry has a little lamb. its an awesome little rap and im proud to know all the words and perform it well.

um what else... last week when i put my cgm on my upper stomach (right under my ribs) the following day it started bleeding like crazy which never happens. when i took it off i found a crazy little bruise which has also never happened before. i figure its just due to my changing belly and less available chub in that area. luckily for me i've read on a few sites that other prego women use their sides/"love handle: area (btw, what genius man came up with that phrase??), and that's precisely what i did and so far so good. there was almost no pain with the insertion, whereas more often than i'd like its somewhat uncomfortable on my stomach. i put it on my left side myself, but will probably need lovedove to help me put it on my right side. that will be the first time she will help me with my dexcom cgm site. here's a quick video of a much thinner lady putting hers on/which may help to show why it would be difficult for me to try to put it on my right side as a rightie. i may also have to use the backs of my arms, but i typically like to reserve my arms for my pod sites. i swear one day ill post all of the pictures i've sworn to post in the past, but that might take some researching to figure out what i owe lol.

i had my regular endo appt yesterday and mentioned to her that my ob said she was worried about my heart. she gave a listen, and said that she could hear a really tiny murmur, but that she would consider that "normal" for a pregnant woman. so that kind of calmed me, but not really. im assuming that im not the only pregnant woman that my dr's has sent for an ekg and an echo, so what made my results stand out so much to her? whatever, i'll see her next week and try not to freak out in the mean time.

so today (according to me and my internet/ivd due date calculator tool) im 23w1d and according to my medical professional ob, i'll be 23w this coming sunday. ill take it. i'm very very happy about getting very close to the point of potential viability outside of the womb in an emergency situation. im just thankful that there haven't been any bumps with her so far. kicks and punches yes, and im loving every second, but she doesn't seem to know anything about all of the medical issues her momma has had to face already, so i dont think she thinks twice about beating me up. its fine. i totally love it.

Friday, September 14, 2012

good news and other news

well the good news is baby's echocardiogram went very well, well enough for the doctor to say "well this is just a sonogram, and i'm not God, but i don't see anything concerning here. her heart looks beautiful". music to my ears. i did get one really nice picture of her profile to take home (which i'll post at some point) and the whole sonogram took less than an hour. im thankful that baby girl decided to cooperate a little more than she did last time, though they did have me tossing and turning on the table a bit.

i get home, eat lunch, get ready for work, normal. lovedove gets home, changes into comfy clothes, and like a responsible adult, plays the messages on our answering machine. cue the other news. my dr is leaving me a hesitant message about calling her. she is not hesitant in any way, ever, so i knew something was up with the heart tests i had on monday. i call her back and she tells me "the results of your ekc and echo are just not what im used to seeing", not what you want to hear from the chief of obstetrics who specializes in managing pregnancies where the mothers have other medical conditions. i have no idea what she saw or what is concerning her, she didn't say, but i know that i had 2 ekgs about a year ago that showed nothing concerning, so i was totally blindsided. she wants me to see one of their cardiologists and asks me "what are you in the mood for, thorough or hip/young?" i ask her who she'd prefer me to see and see says the thorough doctor. i call cardiology, the next available appt with him is in november. i explain i've been referred by dr chief of obstetrics, and they call me back in the morning with an appointment in 3 weeks.

i'm glad that i dont have to wait 2 months to figure out whats going on with my heart, but i'm not going to lie, this crap makes me pretty nervous. i dont know whats worse, blindly googling about what could be wrong, or if she had told me what she was concerned about and then i could googl.e the issue specifically.

i am so so so so so soooooooooooooo thankful that baby's heart is the one without any issues, i really do prefer it to be an issue with me, but this scares me. honestly my heart was the last thing i was worried about in this pregnancy. i consider myself to be moderately heart healthy, when im not pregnant i stay involved in athletic leagues and stuff like that. i dont eat a ton of crappy food. i keep up with sofia. what gives? whatever, im hoping its nothing. i keep telling myself that if it was something big i would have noticed something, but then i think, "well i have been fatigued", "i do get a little winded when i go up the stairs to my room at the office"  - but so do any of my slightly meaty-er clients. trying to tell myself that everything is fine, whats the point of worrying now. if there is worrying to be done, i'll do it later. if only i could mean that. ug, i hate being a worrier! i've never been like this before.

other heart thoughts i've been having lately... everyone has a heart, and thats what keeps them alive every day. i totally forget that inside of every body, is a beating heart. i think about it a lot with sofia, and i always tell lovedove that i am in awe of her that she created a perfect healthy little person, but i dont think about it with anybody else in my life other than lovedove and sofia. like my mom, my 92 year old grandma, our receptionist at work, every client i see, every dog i see, me. its crazy to me that i forget, but i kind of think everyone does. hearts are amazing. they're just a muscle, but its the one you really need to work in order to live.

anyway, thats all. according to me im 22w2d, according to my dr ill be 22w on sunday. we're getting there.. slowly but surely. wishing everyone a great weekend.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

actively potty training

first things first, sofia's 2nd birthday party was a success. despite crazy weather in the neighborhood, the weather an hour away where we had her party was fine. due to this we lost a few guests, but we still had a great turn out. i was ready to shoot people as they were all text bombing me in the early hours of the day "so sorry about the weather" "poor sofia" and my parents calling multiple times to offer to host the party in the basement of their 2 family house, and i just kept telling them all, we're already out here, and the weather is fine. make the drive if you want to party, if not, stay home and stay dry. we thought that we might get some of the weather (crazy rain downpours with tornado touch downs in queens -where we live in nyc, and brooklyn) later in the day, but we were able to miss it somehow. sofia was happy, her guests were happy, and we were happy. the next day sofia decided that she was ready to start going peepees on the potty. we always ask her if she'd like to, but she usually says no. something clicked with her on sunday and we're trying to ride it as much as we can. yesterday i dropped her off at my moms for a few hours to get to my two cardiac appts and i asked her to stay home and try to keep the potty training going. i got a text an hour after i left saying that sofia did some peeps. great, shes actually going to do what i asked her(my mother) to do, amazing. needless to say when i returned a few hours later, my mom let me know that they had walked (w/sofia in the stroller) the neighborhood and hit up the bank, the post office, the shoe store for new sneakers, and the restaurant my sister works in. which means that sofia was in a diaper for oh, probably at least half of their day together. thanks mom. anyway, today sofia and i will be staying home and just working on playing and potty-ing. so far i love potty training, because sofia is pretty good at making it to the potty, and she has the cutest bottom in the world. i wish i could post a picture of it on here, but wont for obvious reasons. like it literally is the cutest goulie (italian-ish word we use for butt, i have no idea if that is spelled accurately) i have ever seen.

so i had my ekg and echocardiogram yesterday. i dont get the results for like a week but im glad the tests are over. the ekg is super fast. the echo, not so much. the test was about a half hour, and not very comfortable. the tech basically had to pretty much do her best to bruise my ribs with the transducer to get the right shots of my heart. and i love(sarcasm) holding my boob(s) out of the way for tests like this. it always feels odd when someone says "please hold your breast up" but its way less awkward than them handling my breast. i thought the positioning of the test was really interesting. i had to lay on my left side and basically tilt the right side of my body forward so that i was almost rolling myself off of the table but not. needless to say, i was glad when she said she was done.

headed to work in the afternoon. 3 of 4 showed up, i was happy with that. when i got home and ate dinner, baby went crazy! it was awesome! not sure what the trigger was, maybe red wine vinegar on my salad but baby went nuts! i was able to stand in front of lovedove so she could feel some good kicks and i was so happy to share it with her. she's been wanting to feel baby more, but baby hasn't been cooperating that much lately.

i have my fetal echo on thursday and im pretty anxious about it. AND i have to go to that appt alone. no fun. whatever, ill get through it. trying not to lose my shit over it. i hope baby cooperates with the tech.

today is 9/11. i remember that day, and the following days i spent glued to the tv, like it was last week.  i was 17 and in calculus class when the announcement came over the loud speaker that a plane had crashed into the first tower. i could see the tower burning from one of the hallway windows on the 2nd floor of our school. my sister was 14, it was her first day of high school. my dad picked the both of us up from our respective high schools. she was waiting for me in the lobby of my school (he picked her up first) and she looked like she was so scared that she might melt into my arms when i hugged her. the ride home was usually 10-15 minutes, it took almost 2 hours. lovedove was all the way across the country in college, we spent hours trying to get in touch with each other, the phone lines were ridiculous. my mother told us we were all going to die, thanks mom. complete chaos. absolute fear. crazy sadness. we're so far from that day now, its all so strange. the street we live on is named after a neighbor who died on that day. his parents live on our corner and keep his pictures in the windows for the neighborhood to see. i didn't know him, but luckily for me, he is the only person that i am connected to in any way that passed on that day. hope you are resting in peace Michael A. Marti.

wishing everyone peace today and everyday. lets not forget that our bad days/bad luck are nothing in the grand scheme of things. thank you self, point taken.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

going backwards but not really

met with my dr who i love soooo much today. haven't seen her in like 6 weeks because of our conflicting vacations so it was wonderful to see her today. i needed to talk to her about a few things and the due date was bugging me. to me, based on many ivf due date calculators, it was (and all of my calculations were going by) a due date of 1.15.12 based on egg retrieval date. she wants to go by transfer day, and with that, puts the due date at 1.20.12 (my sister's 26th birthday). regardless of feeling like its taking a step back, im letting it go. its 4 days, certainly not something i need to stress over, but it puts us back to 20w4d. so i guess ill be going by that from now on.

we discussed many things at the exam, the many appts i have coming up and the increasing frequency of the number of times i'll need to be seen to be adequately monitored. i have two appts next week, an ekg and echocardiogram on monday, and the fetal echocardiogram next thurs. she said once i hit 28 weeks ill be in there more and more, to be examined, meet people whom i may see again around/post delivery, etc. she takes so much time to talk to me (prob about 20 minutes) when we have stuff to discuss and today we talked about insulin management during/after delivery, and that babies of type 1 moms go automatically to the nicu to see how they handle their own blood sugar management. im a little sad about this, but whatever needs to be done to make sure we're both fine is fine with me. (oy, she also wants me to give her my pre-pregnancy basal rates from my pump. i have no idea if i have them. thats going to be another headache.) however, that being said, we will not be having many visitors to the hospital while she's in the nicu. was up when Sofia was born and placed in the nicu (*long story short, lovedove's strep B test was expiring, and they ran some additional tests on sofia when she was born. she had a slightly elevated temp, which landed her in the nicu. on day 1 in the nicu, she had a "choking incident" - which i feel is bc she wasn't suctioned well enough after she was born - and was placed on a 5 day hold - which none of the labor day weekend staff mentioned to us. every day we thought we were taking her home, and everyday they told us no, until the regular staff came back and informed us of why it was a mandatory hold. whatever. it was just super frustrating), we had everyone come anyway and we kind of regret that. only two people could be in at baby's side in the nicu at a time, which meant it was me and a guest, as lovedove was usually entertaining the next in line to see baby Sofia, and getting some much needed rest. lovedove got very little time with sofia during visiting hours, and i believe this is something we'll be doing differently this time. everyone will just have to be patient, we know they love us and our new baby girl already, but they'll just have to wait a few extra days until she's in the clear to get up close and personal.

she also talked about potential complications we might run into along the way and how she'd handle them. i love talking about things in advance, it makes me feel so much more prepared for what could/might/hopefully wont happen. i just kept telling her, that whatever she thought was best is what'd i'd vote for in the moment. i trust her completely. its so amazing to feel that way about a doctor, especially a doctor of this specialty. im so thankful.

she mentioned that if she's starting to get concerned about one or both of us, and things we might have to push things along early, that she might opt for an amnio at 38 weeks to check for lung maturity. now i know we're way ahead of ourselves there but i was still glad she brought it up. like i said i much rather be informed.

this morning i dropped off my car to have the work started on it today or tomorrow and picked up the rental.  they didn't have any small cars available so they gave me a minivan at the price of a compact. i was totally fine with this because we have sofia's bigger 2nd birthday party on saturday and will certainly benefit from the extra space. im really hoping the car gets fixed quickly. the rental girl said they're usually done with jobs in 3-5 business days which would be totally amazing, but i dont have my hopes up considering how much i was jerked around by the last auto body place. im hoping though bc the rental is all out of pocket cost, so the faster it gets done, the less money i have to spend. oh, duh, the whole point of me mentioning all that was that i forgot sofia's stroller on the sidewalk and went to my doctor appointment without it! luckily sofia was super duper well behaved and i have no idea how she pulled that one off. she was so patient with me all day, i was so proud of her. thank you Sofia, you are wonderful. i told her that many many times today. it was crazy. 90 mins at the car place, 35 in the car, and another 60ish at the dr appt. she was a-maz-ing. what a marvelous 2 year old you are!!!

anyway, im hoping my clients show up tonight, and we get rolling on the right foot next week. hoping everyone is feeling good and wishing good luck to Meela on her upcoming ER. keep growing little follies!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

attempting to be thankful for bad luck

interesting title no? i don't know how else to word it. as i've mentioned, this week it is back to my fall/spring/school year work schedule of mondays-thursdays 4:15-9/9:30pm. fine. i made it to work on time yesterday, to only see 2 of my 5 clients (transition weeks are hard for pretty much everyone at my clinic) do the needed paperwork and head home. left the office at 8:45ish, i kind of ran out of there because i knew i needed to get some gas on the way home and I wanted to try to catch some of the opening DNC speeches on tv. i stop to get gas. fine. before i leave i go in to grab some sweets, typical pregnant lady move, fine. things seem fine right? anyone remember my "new" car? the one my dad gave to me like 4 months ago, the one that some guy hit on a rainy afternoon on my way to work about 2 months ago? yea, that one.

well some old man, either A) ran his stop sign or B) pretty sure it was this one - decided while sitting at his stop sign that he didn't give a shit that i was driving down the street/didn't see me with his old man eyes+glasses on a slick rainy night, and t-boned the passenger side of my car. thats where the thankful part comes in. i've been hit, in my "new" car, by two different men, on two different occasions, in the rain, and i've been able to out of my car unharmed both times. clearly i was immediately in shock/rage as i couldnt believe this happened, again. i got out of my car, and knocked on the guy's window to ask him if he was ok bc he had not gotten out of his car. now i see that he's old, and he has his head on the steering wheel and i think he's dead or something. luckily he wasn't dead, but he was a complete asshole. didn't apologize, didn't ask me if i was ok, nothing. the local volunteer FDNY ambulance comes to see if we're ok, and by this time we've moved our cars, and we're just standing next to each other silently. we were both fine, although i was a little peeved that throughout this whole thing no one (volunteer fdny, nor the 2 nypd officers that arrived at the scene) was like "oh shit you're pregnant" bc i clearly am now at almost 5.5 months, the bump is there for all to see - small but there. whatever it doesnt matter. this man did not attempt to exchange info, speak to me, nothing. he did turn to me and ask "what now?" and i kind of yelled at him to just stand there and wait for the cops to come.

im trying to figure out what im supposed to learn from this. im a big believer in "everything happens for a reason", so whats the reason here? am i supposed to learning a dont-stress-money lesson, bc i have been lately? it cant be a dont-drive-in-the-rain/inclimate weather- lesson bc um hello, i live in nyc and we have plenty of that. i just dont know. i can barely wrap my brain around it. and not for nothing, but he beat the shit out of my car. it might be 10-15 feet from his stop sign, to where he hit me, so i have no idea how he managed to get that much momentum to F up my car the way he did. even the cops couldnt believe how muc damage he had done in such a small amount of space. whatever, its over, i'm/we're ok, and its just another headache. i was thankful that baby was kicking around after i had calmed down when i got home. i needed to feel her and thank God i did. i have a doctor's appt schedule for tomorrow morning so im going to mention this whole thing and maybe they'll give me an extra sono just to check in on baby.

back to pregnancy. officially 21 weeks today and im SUPER cranky (in certain situations) lately to the point that im kind of afraid that people wont like me anymore. i've been feeling baby kick and move a lot, which is wonderful and i cant wait until its easier for other people to feel from the outside. i feel a special little bond whenever she nudges me, and i kind of like that no one knows about it unless i tell them. at my 20w sono the very patient doctor said that i have marginal umbilical cord insertion, which, she claims is not a big deal because she's never had this complicate anyone's delivery, but basically means that the umbilical cord is not attached to the direct center of my placenta. from what i've read online, its usually not diagnosed until baby is born, as it is usually missed on sonos. whatever, im not goin to stress about it.

besides all of this, Sofia turned 2 on Monday, insert crazy confused expression here, and there was some family shit at her mini pizza/coffee and cake party on monday between me and my mother. i dont even want to get into, it blew up again today, so of course between last night and today i've cried my eyes out.

lovedove just got home from work so im thrilled to be with her. i called out of work tonight because only 2 of my scheduled 5 were confirmed to show and i just really need a break. tomorrow is another day.