Monday, January 30, 2012

trying to deal...

so im working on dealing with the reality of my situation. i have to let go of the fact that there is nothing i can do to speed up this process at this point in time and all i can do is wait... right through february. i know its the shortest month, but man oh man, i bet its going to feel long.

my birthday is coming up, and i really dont feel like celebrating. plus im way too tired to do anything big. i was thinking about going out to a bar to drink and dance, but i kind of did that this past weekend, and the next day was a complete waste. apparently im getting too old to stay out until 330 was a ton of fun though. im really glad i went out and got some really good support from friends who came to hang out. that was all after going to see the matinee performance of Stick Fly, which we really enjoyed.

this coming weekend ill just see who is free to have a couple of beers on Friday night, and then on saturday we are dropping Sofia off at my parents' place so that we can go and be in a bubble. thats what we call it whenever we're on vacation just the two of us. no baby, no dog, no work, no family, no friends, just us. an overnight trip like this has not happened for us in 4+ years. so my parents have booked us a night at a marriot thats upstate a little and i cant wait. we'll have a nice dinner, some real alone time, and a good uninterrupted night's sleep. believe me that will feel like a vacation all in itself.

then ill have to figure out a way to fill the rest of february. we do have a baby sprinkle to go to on the 18th, so that will be fun but hard. one of the girls that will be there just announced her second pregnancy in an email this morning, that was pretty hard. before we had sofia, i was the person who had a few drinks at a baby shower, and then sad rubbing the prego lady's belly for 20 minutes with tears in my eyes bc i wanted us to be moms so bad. its embarrassing to admit, but i fucking love babies. and one day we'll tell Sofia and her sibling(s) all about how badly we wanted them, and everything we went though to meet them and have them join our family. and my friend who bore the brunt of my mommy-hood jealousy said she really didnt mind, as i apologized to her on several different occasions for my obsession with her belly.

since we probably wont be getting started until at least april with the ivf, if it goes through, and march if we get denied and do more iuis, i'm going to register for the spring season of basketball. I took off last season to recover from my surgery, and to focus on trying. i had wanted to be a spectator again this season but with a prego belly. oh well. maybe next season i can be that spectator. this season ill be a player, it will be my 4th or 5th season, i cant remember anymore. all i know is i need to get my ass on a court before the season starts. i havent touched a basketball since last spring. i know this will be good for my mind, my body, my spirit and my wife and daughter. we feel such a sense of community there, and we love having a regularly scheduled activity each week.

hoping things all work out in the end, and i get there in one piece.

sofia is asleep, which means im off to trim the dogs nails, do the dishes, etc.

Friday, January 27, 2012

moving on and letting go

yesterday's morning of tears, led to a few small bouts of tears throughout the early afternoon, and then i received a call from the PA that i work with frequently at our fertility doctor's office. she understood that we only have one vial of sperm left and inquired if we would be interested in trying IVF. I said that i would do anything to try to make the most of this last vial, as it is really important to me to try to keep our kids related(as plan A, if it doesnt work out, we are not opposed to using other donor sperm, it is just something we'd like to avoid). she set me up with an appointment to meet with the doctor this morning.

i took the trip out to the farther location where the doctor was working today, just Sofia and I. i had debated bringing my mother along for support, but then decided that she would not be able to listen any more intently than i would. shes not good with listening. so i went on my own and Sofia cooperated, thank God. we sat and listened as the doctor told me that he thinks my endometriosis is the problem. he believes the sperm we have is great, and we've done everything right thusfar, but he is unsure if iuis are going to be able to do the trick. so, with that said he suggests we push for ivf. now the issue here is insurance. if insurance covers most of the cost, we do have a tiny bit of money saved up, specifically for family planning. im really hoping they will bc this is what im working with. type 1 diabetes, a thyroid condition, endometriosis, and one blocked fallopian tube. i think that should be enough for them to say yes, right?? so thats what my hopes are resting on, thats the "moving forward" part. at this point we'll just have to wait and see what the insurance company says, which could take a few weeks.

here comes the "letting go" part. i have to let go of the following: frustration with not being able to try to do anything (iui/ivf wise) in february (maybe in hindsight ill be happy i had to take a small forced break?), and the idea that my situation wasn't that bad (as now it seems quite complex).

im working on accepting things for what they are. i need more help than i wanted. this is turning out to be more difficult than i expected. this is our last vial of sperm from Sofia's donor and we may have to do a new donor search.

i guess im just glad we started early. we told a few close friends and our parents know, but im glad i dont have to update everyone i know every time i get a bfn. i dont want people to feel bad for me about the bumps in the road. i believe ill get there somehow. i have my love, we have a magnificent daughter, a snuggle bug of a dog, money in the bank (not lots, but as much as we could put aside), a roof over all of our heads, and fabulous support systems (including the sense of community i have felt since starting to read ttc blogs**). we are very fortunate.

sticking to the fact that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know why at the time. it is what it is. whatever will be will be.

stay tuned for minor gripes, and the ups and downs along the next part of this journey.

 **almost completely unrelated, but i was thinking the other day about how many different women blog and turn to forums to reveal their personal details/struggles/etc and it got me thinking. do men blog about anything siginificant(in terms of baby creation, their life struggles, etc, not politics, sports, etc)? i wonder....

Thursday, January 26, 2012

morning tears

no, not happy ones unfortunately. its 8am and ive been crying on and off for an hour. clearly cycle three is a bust. and all i can think is wtf. my boobs were so sore which never happens to this extent and my period is days early. an early period, on clomid? are you shitting me? i feel like a fucking fool. i keep thinking im pregnant and im not. I got my hopes up so high yesterday bc yesterday was 11dpo, and i thought i had implantation bleeding. yes i realized it was a little out of the 7-10dpo window, but i chalked that up to everybody's body being different. getting my period early was not even on my radar of possibilities. so i spotted very lightly all day, pink and brown like everyone says, and today, well at 4 am when i got up to pee, red. fuck. my. life.

please do not mistake my disappointment/sadness/anger as me taking what i already have for granted. i am thankful every single day to have a beautiful family with a perfect little girl for a daughter who is happy and healthy and everything we could have asked for. and i am also well aware that many women travel a crazy long road to get to motherhood, im just so tired already. i've been crazy on top of my sugar since last april. i started my prepregnancy consults in may/june with diabetes in pregnancy specialists, who have since kind of fallen off/out of touch which personally pisses me off. like where is the follow up? why did you not refill my prescription for my prenatals when it was sent to you? what, should i be pregnant already? is it taking too long for you? i feel like these people have forgotten about me completely. yes i know im not pregnant yet, but have they given me a call to see where im at? i understand that they  have a caseload of women already in high risk pregnancies, but i matter too. just pick up the phone and ask me how its going you fuckers, or better yet just fill my rx refill request.
im tired of having my bloods drawn, im tired of worrying about developing more cysts, im tired of endovaginal sonograms, im tired of having to get my baby girl up early to get in the car and drive to monitoring appts, im tired of driving, tired of getting my hopes up to be let down, tired of keeping this a secret from so many people but i really dont want them to know about all of the failures in the moment. god damn im sad today. i just feel like a fool. i feel like somebody died and i feel stupid for feeling that way.

gonna lean on my other mommy friends who had some trouble today. already feeling a little better after texting with one of them. she reminded me that everything happens for a reason, and i truly believe that. i have to remind myself of that. that quote is something that will help me to find peace with each setback. but now there is so much more thinking to do.

what do we do with the last vial we have in storage?
does my body hate this sperm?
should we sell it back to the bank and try to look for a new guy? (which would throw the possibilities of our children being genetically half siblings... something we really wanted)
do i do the next cycle with the one vial we have left, as one last chance and then look for someone else?
will that just be another waste of time and money?
i just want to be pregnant right now.

the only thing that stopped me from waking up in tears is that i had a dream that we dropped Disa (the dog) off at the vet for some small routine procedure, and when i went to pick her up, they gave her body to me in a plastic shopping bag and didnt even explain how she died. it was a very very strange dream. i dont even think i cried in the dream because nothing made sense. and the crazy part is that i take her to a shelter/clinic that i worked at where i know and trust the doctors. it was so strange, i guess in my dream i almost knew it couldnt be real. when i woke up, there she was, laying right next to me, in between my wife and i. she was snoring her snout off, and keeping us cozy and warm. i hugged her a little closer to me even though i cant stand her snooring. i love this face so much!

just got off the phone with my loving wife, and the more i talk about it the more if feel blindsided. i just wasnt emotionally ready to have an answer yet. i thought for sure i would have a longer cycle  bc i did last time on the clomid. i really thought i was pregnant this time. and ive been reading so many blogs with lovely ladies getting their bfps and posting sonos, i really thought it was some wonderful wave that i could catch. i guess its just not my time yet.

gonna just have to grieve this one and try to move forward. will prob listen to this (Grey Street by Dave Matthews Band) a bunch today. my favorite song of theirs and pretty on point today. wishing i didnt relate so much to the lyrics, but trying to understand its just part of the road i have to travel right now....

Monday, January 23, 2012

9 dpiui/dpo

clearly no news as i am sticking to my word to not test until i'm actually late. my boobs have been sore but they were sore last cycle too, pretty sure its the clomid. the clomid definitely gives me pretend early symptoms like sore boobs, irritability, etc. ive also been eating a ton, but im pretty sure im just eating my stress.

in a week, at this time of day, i may or may not know anything. based on last cycle's extended length, im guessing that if i dont have any spotting by the end of next monday, then i'll test on tuesday with fmu. i truly just feel like its unbelievable how much i (and every other woman ttc) want to be pregnant. some women have absolutely no desire to be birth mothers at all, and for me, there is nothing else in the world that i want more. i've done all i can to get my diabetes under crazy control, i've given in to fate, i know i have no control over anything else, and i know that when everything is right, it will happen. im just so terrible at waiting. our last 2ww seems like a piece of cake compared to this one bc we had family visiting from out of state, holidays to celebrate, etc. this one is just dragging. literally dragging. ug, good thing i have work, and an exciting weekend ahead to get me through the last of it.

this saturday ill be going to see Stick Fly, a new play on Broadway. We're not much of theater goers, but only because we cant afford to be. we love seeing shows and my mother in law bought us tickets for my birthday (2/6). so im really excited about that. speaking of my birthday, my friends are going to be very surprised if i do nothing for my birthday, im usually quite excited about getting a little more tipsy than i should to celebrate my birth. whatever, if this cycle winds up with a bfn, ill just see who is available that friday night and see who wants to throw a couple back, and if i wind up with a bfp (wouldnt that be incredible?!) then ill just say im too tired and i have a cold or some crap like that. really unrealistic for me, but whatever.

so my wife told me yesterday that she thinks im pregnant but has been trying to not say anything to me bc she doesnt want to get our hopes up. when i asked her why she thinks that, she simply said that when she thinks of me lately at work she just feels happy(-happier than usual i guess? i would hope she feels happy when she thinks about me, sheesh). so im going to try to ride that happy little vibe all the way into next week.

keeping my fingers, and toes, and eyes crossed.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


so its super early in the game this cycle. pretty much just beginning my 2ww. feelin normal as usual, trying not to think about having to wait to test. ive also decided that I WILL NOT test before im late for my period. ive tortured myself enough in the past 2 cycles. its really unnecessary. especially last time with the faint positives only to wind up not pregnant.

weird thing happened yesterday. my sugar was out of control. and when i say out of control, i mean even for a person who has loose control over their diabetes. i have no idea what the f was up. i went high after breakfast, egg w salsa and yogurt with pineapple. bolused, walked around brooklyn for a bit. still high, did a crapload of insulin and waited 30  minutes before eating my lunch, nothing. still high as a kite. i was high all day until about 9pm. my highest blood sugar yesterday was 371. i havent been over 250 in about 6 months for even one hour, nevermind several hours over 350. i have no idea wtf happened, but my body just would not breakdown the sugars. i was so insulin resistant for all of those hours and i have no idea why. it was so frustrating. luckily the night was fine, no hypos or hypers. just stayed in healthy range. woke up at 83. hoping i stay in range today.

anyway... happily continuing to read other people's success stories. trying to stay optimistic. i keep telling myself that math is on my side this cycle. at this point ive done 5 iuis so if the success rate is approx 20% then i should be in the running more than usual. (im completely aware that is not the way to apply the 20% success rate to multiple iuis, but i dont care). staying positive and getting on with my days.

wishing i knew of other type 1s tcc. we seem to be such a small subgroup. and as ive already stated, im pretty sure im the only lesbian type 1 diabetic tcc(clearly i know im not actually the only one, it just feels like it). im definitely the only one writing about it. wishing more ladies would start sharing their stories.

ill just keep reading everyone's stories anyway.

Friday, January 13, 2012

my a_s hurts

but only on the right side. that was the side we picked for the hcg (trigger) intramuscular injection. that side got it as a punishment for letting things go wrong with the endometriosis, which caused the blocked right fallopian tube. verall the injection was nearly painless, i almost couldnt believe it. but today, im sure it was done in the right place. my wife was kind enough to give me a kiss before she administered the injection. i think she was more scared that i was. it was a funny ordeal. today i just have some constant but pretty mild soreness.

with that being said, we did our first of two iuis this morning. tomorrow is the next one. really trying to think positive and force fate to coincide with my plans this cycle, but we all know we cant force anything here. with my wife and baby at my side, Gail at Long Island IVF worked her magic again with a speedy insemination. did i mention how much i fell in love with her during our december tries? she did both inseminations and she ran the cold metal speculum under warm water for a few seconds. what a difference!

silly me trying to sit down and type a post while Sofia is up. shes currently emptying her dresser drawers. thank you hunny.

so anyway crossing my fingers and toes that this cycle will be the one. happy friday and happy weekend everyone.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

stressed before try #3

you know what they say... 3rd times a charm. (ill have to look up why they say that.) went in for my first morning of bloods and monitoring today, cd 12. took 50 mg clomid days 5-9, same as last time. whats different about this time, is this big long frustrating story.

our insurance has never covered the Ovidrel trigger shot at our local pharmacy. I called my insurance company and asked them which pharmacy i would have to go through in order to have the best chance of them covering it. They told me Freedom Fertility. So I call. The call was great, the woman I spoke to was super nice. Ovidrel, no problem she said. The cost $95 at most, even if the insurance doesn't cover one penny, with FedEx 2 day shipping. Sounds fabulous right? The woman told me if the cost was more than a small copayment, she would call to let me know. Yea, it sounded great. I thought I was getting the shot I am used to (subcutaneous) at a better price, delivered to my door. Nope. Yesterday I finally get the package. When I open my huge FedEx box I'm surprised to see a syringe with a huge needle and 2 vials (which means ill have to mix the sterile water from one vial with the powder in the other and then draw it up into the syringe). Now, lets not forget, I'm an insulin dependent diabetic. I'm not queasy about needles, I have to poke myself multiple times per day despite my CGM and pump requirements a few times per week. So I start reading. The insurance company likes to cover the HCG injection as opposed to Ovidrel. I'm thinking, fine, i have no problem with generics. Then i get to the part where the booklet tells me its an intramuscular injection. This means I'll have to have my wife stab me in the ass with a 2 inch needle. Then i see that my "copayment" was $110. Are you shitting me? My local pharmacy charges me $112. All of this extra step crap, and not what i asked for, to "save" me $2? What a pain in my ass (soon, literally). I'm so pissed. Besides the fact that they never called me to inform me of the higher cost. whatever, thats that. i dont want to think about this anymore.

so now im all nervous because i dont really want to think about what the next step(s) will be if this try is unsuccessful. it seems like the to-do list will be immense in terms of securing more sperm. i just dont even want to think about it. ill just keep reading blogs of people who are/have been successful in their attempts and hope that i get to share my own joy on here soon.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

cd 5

here we go, cycle #3, this will be the second clomid cycle. this will be the last cycle where we have 2 readily available vials of sperm. if we are unsuccessful in this cycle, which i dont even want to think about, we will only have one vial left of our sperm donor. i think my next option would be to contact the sperm bank to see if they have any on reserve for families who have already conceived with a particular donor, or if they might be able to contact the donor to see if he would be willing to donate additional sperm. that seems like such a headache. i really hope that we dont get to that point. i would love for this to be our successful cycle. you know what they say, third times a charm, right?

so i went in this morning to have my bloods drawn and to have another endovaginal sonogram. i was thrilled because i was concerned that the clomid would cause me to develop unwanted cysts, given my endometriosis, i was really fearful that any medication that had the potential to mess me up, would. im very thankful that it hasnt at this point. i will be taking 50mg of clomid for the next 5 days, and filling my ovidrel prescription once again. for some reason my wonderful, and i do mean wonderful, insurance coverage always refuses to cover it even though i have a pica card that is supposed to specifically cover injectables. whatever. its just so crazy. i have great insurance, but with all of the copays, this process really adds up.

anyway, getting the "baby" who is now 16 months old, baptized on sunday at the church that we love. hooray. happy and healthy new year to everyone.