Tuesday, May 29, 2012


(that number is according to my calculations)

as far as im concerned, tomorrow i'll be 7 weeks pregnant. my sonogram is the following day, when my RE will hopefully tell me all that i've been hoping to hear, and will then tell me exactly how pregnant i really am. 

i'm failing pretty hard in my efforts to just feel happy and confident in this pregnancy. i'm preoccupied and worried pretty much constantly. as much as i try not to "stress" things in life, i worry a lot. i've always been afraid of bad things happening. i had/have a huge fear of dying "young". i guess i just have too much planned for my life/there are so many things i've yet to do, that of course i'd be afraid so weird act of fate would step in and id be out of luck too soon. i'm kind of petrified for thursday. i hope that all of this worrying is for nothing. i think i would be a lot more reassured if i was feeling like garbage every day, but im really not. lovedove keeps telling me to try to calm down, maybe im just going to have a great super easy pregnancy. i guess that would be great for most women, and truly in hindsight i may say how wonderful it was if this is in fact a successful pregnancy where i wind up with a healthy baby at the end, but at this point in time i think i'd prefer to be puking daily, and feeling like crap on a constant basis. i guess its due to the fact that i only had 2 betas, and ive had no testing since to confirm that there's still a baby growing in there. maybe i should take one of those crappy pregnancy tests i hate. wait, maybe that sounds like a bad idea. ug, i just wish i could fast forward 2 days.

so in PUPO news, saturday at our little cousin's 4th birthday, a cousin (older than us) who knew i was going through ivf, politely asked where we were at. she started the convo with the obligatory "so i know i shouldn't ask" and ended with "i think i know how things wound up" (prob bc i didn't have a beer all day). all i said was "yes, you know how things wound up" and she was in tears. clearly very mild, hidden from the rest of the party tears, but she was very excited. she hugged both me and lovedove and was very sweet about it. i told her how early it is and how nervous i am and she said she totally understood and wouldn't say anything to anyone. not sure how true that will wind up being, but i really feel like everyone who knows we were trying, already knows im pregnant. i guess thats just the direct result of being so open about our baby making struggles. 

later in the evening, at party #2, the birthday girl, who also knew about our struggles, came over to me after everyone participated in a shot of tequila, except for me. in her slightly drunken comical voice she said "uh, missy, you're not drinking tonight, are you..." and i responded with a quick "no maam" and a smile and she smiled back. its really strange having sooo many people know that i'm pregnant so early. i kind of feel stupid about it, like, im very aware of the risks this early, but i almost feel justified in having the people around me knowing because all im being is honest. god forbid, if something happens, im sure ill be open about it. if things continue to go well, i will surely be open about it. guess im just trying to further my crusade for complete honesty about fertility struggles that way its not such a taboo subject, at least with the people in our life. 


non-alcoholic beer. yesterday i needed to have a beer. im a beer drinker in my non prego life, and a hot summer holiday-day just isn't complete for me without an ice cold beer. so i bought a 6 pack of "non-alcoholic" becks yesterday. on the bottle it says "contains less than 0.5% alcohol. i totally didn't realize that non alcoholic beers still might technically have some amount of alcohol in them. i guess you learn something new everyday. 

i was pleased with it. it seemed a bit sweeter than a regular beer, but could definitely pass. i was happy to see a few different options at my local distributor. not too bad on price either. glad ill have the option to have a cold one every once in a while.


symptoms continue to be mild, at least to me. im almost completely uncensored at this point, if i dont like something, im coming out of my face and saying it. according to everyone i saw saturday night at the bday celebration, my boobs are even more out of control than usual, and removing my bra at night is getting more and more painful each night. which to me is a good thing. libido is kind of revved up, which is not me typically. i guess they're not that mild, but they're not reassuring enough to me, at least until i see what i hope to see on thursday, then hopefully they'll be enough for me. i still have twinges, mostly on the left side of my body, some occassional ones on the right, and some mild cramps overall sometimes. oh, the other thing about saturday night. of course our lovely lady friends were taking a few pictures, and i was trying to look as thin as possible so i was trying to suck my tummy in. it felt different, at least near the bottom half of my belly. that made me feel pregnant.

anyway, im praying im still pregnant. i just feel like it is so strange to feel this "good" after such a hard struggle to get to the point of being pregnant. could i have the easiest pregnancy ever in terms of symptoms? is that even possible??


  1. It must be so hard to have everybody looking at you wondering if you are prengnant...a few more weeks and you can tell the world!
    About the lack of symptoms when my wife was pregnant she didn't have any symptoms at all, we had a BFN and dind't do a beta so we didn't even know she was pregnant until she was about 8 weeks, crazy isn't it?

    1. im not sure if its hard per say, or just weird. we're all so trained not to say anything until we're out of the super risky window/first trimester. with everyone knowing or at least having a clue, at least we know we'll have a lot of support whatever way things turn out.

      that is completely nuts about your wife! what a surprise!

      ps. we seem to have very similar family planning timing. hope everything is going well for you with the meds!

  2. I am exactly where you're at (like almost literally, considering our dates), and I'm so anxious for my ultrasound today. May both of ours go well and may both of us find out all is well and there's a baby inside. I too sometimes wish I was puking all day, because the non-symptoms can be agonizing. Good luck, lady.