no news is good news

well, i've got no news of my own to report really, but i'll get to me later.

a week ago i posted about being "there" early on in the day. it was a normal thursday. lovedove came home from work at the regular time, i went to work, blah blah regular thursday. then im in my first session and my phone rings and my receptionist tells me that lovedove is on line 3. WTF. she never calls me at work, so i know something is up. she's crying and scared and tells me that her mom had a chest xray and they found a spot on her lung. fast forward one week to today. we now know that lovedove's mom has stage 4 lung cancer, and it has spread to other parts of her body. she's currently undergoing testing and getting good care to try to figure out exactly what we're dealing with, and how we can best combat it. needless to say, it was not the merriest christmas. Sofia's christmas was great, she saw her cousins at christmas eve and santa came to visit the cousin's at Gma's christmas eve celebration (the most painstaking holiday celebration of my life, as we found out the stage of the cancer earlier that day), and left her great presents on christmas morning, but i think she can tell that something is off with everyone.

i can not believe that this is my real life right now, none of us can. we're just trying to take things one day at a time bc thinking into the future at all is scary and useless because all we know we have is right now. hell, she's a fighter maybe we've got another 40-50 yrs with her, but there's nothing in this world that guarantees me that i wont get hit by a bus tomorrow, you know? so this is my news, and as a family we're just trying to hold on to each other and figure out the best way to hold our shit together and be strong for each other.

this situation has created a weird emotional space for me. i'm really excited to be getting very close to meeting our next little baby, but a part of me feels:
(a) worried that the joy of this baby being born will be muddled with sadness
(b) guilty that i have such a happy event coming up and my MiL has the fight of her life coming up
(c) bad for lovedove that she is facing all of this at one time
(d) selfish that at times when im doing what needs to be done to help (staying with sofia, doing extra cleaning up, whatever etc) im think.. shit isn't this supposed to be the happy and easy part of my pregnancy?
(e) sooooooooooo scared.
so yea, im not feeling great emotionally, its a really rough place to be. my MiL is truly one of the unique and caring people i've encountered in my life, and she has loved me since the day i entered her home for the first time, and i know that because i've felt it every second. anyway, we're going to fight this, thats that.

updates on me and baby. my official dr date is 36w5d (i still think im 37w2d) and i want this baby to arrive. i hate the pain im in when im rolling over in bed at night, and the pelvic pain sucks on the days i have it. i had my doctor check me yesterday just bc i was curious, she said she got "one fingertip in there" and im "exactly where i should be". she doesn't seem to think i'll go early, but i have had a few contractions that i believe are semi real, but not very painful at all. tons of braxton hicks. tons of fatigue. not sleeping that well lately. grateful to be this far along in a very uneventful and healthy pregnancy. eye appt today to make sure there isn't any bleeding in the back of my eye from the betes + pregnancy. got this picture of chipmunk cheeks yesterday. makes me really happy and anxious to meet her.