a million days later

well its been just about forever since my last post. clearly we've been busy. we completed the purchase of our home, moved in, did some renovation (some ourselves and some contractor work) and for now we're just about finished with this wave of home modification. just have to pretty up the unfinished basement and get some shelving, and pave the parking spot in the back. we love this house. we're very happy here.

my SiL is coming to visit in 2 weeks, the first time she's been back since...... um.. i actually cant remember. i guess it was in the spring, i know we walked over to this house, but i know we hadnt closed yet. so i want to say it been 5 or  months since she was here last. im worried about how emotional it is going to be for all of us. she has never been in this house before, and the anniversary of my MiL's death is coming up next friday. my SiL will arrive the following week. we would not have this house if she had not died. i typed that sentence and then my brain was blank for a few moments. in one way it seems impossible for it to be true that she's gone, and in another way, i feel like the walls of this house are her arms around us always, protecting us from the outside world, making us feel comfy, being the support under our feet with each step we take.

i feel like most days i've learned to numb myself to the pain of losing her. but then that same numbness sometimes gets in the way of me providing support to lovedove, bc i've numbed myself which is fine, but then im less sensitive to her grief. on other days, i'll break out the alphabet book my SiL made for Sofia's 2nd christmas and see her picture. and then im a puddle. i really wanted to watch some video of sofia when she was born, for her birthday last week, and i just couldnt bring myself to do it. i dont think i've heard her voice/watched any video of her since she died. my brain wants to, but my heart knows it will just break into a million pieces the first second i see or hear her. i get emotional enough, and it usually just happens when i look at our girls and wish that she could be here with them. we're so lucky that our girls are happy and healthy and funny, it just seems so unbelievably unfair that she doesn't get to enjoy them in body, i know she's with them in spirit.

so yea im worried about our emotions all being on overdrive, but i know there will be lots of alcohol, which might help, maybe, but sometimes that does the opposite. whatever it is, i will be thrilled to have my SiL here, in our home, given to us by her mom.

(well that took an unexpected turn, deep breath)

anyway, we are all doing well, thank God. work is good with both lovedove and i, not without its frustrations here or there, but overall its fine.

sofia just turned 4 and started 5 day full day (6 and a half hours) pre-k. so far she likes it, but seems to have loved nursery more. i think she just has to adjust to the longer hours. i have to adjust to seeing her A LOT less. its probably good for our relationship though, bc she and i tend to butt heads. now she comes into bed to snuggle with me when she gets up, and seems happier to be around me when im not at work. her going to prek pretty much eliminates any extended daytime contact we have monday through thursday (the days i work) and this will be our first weekend together in our new school year schedule. sofia is awesome, and is hands down the best big sister on the planet (most days). she has had no problem sharing any and all of her toys, even the birthday toys she got last week. she's super nurturing and caring and compassionate. she's truly an amazing little girl.

laila on the other hand...... lol. she is a great kid, funny, excited, "passionate", and by "passionate" i mean she throws one hell of a tantrum. she's truly a mini me, just the way sofia seems to be a mini lovedove. its so interesting to see them carry the strong traits of each one of us. laila's tantrumming has been rough lately, but we've been working with her to try to find compromises. we also think its the storm right before a growth and language boom. she just turned 20 months, so thats what we're thinking. she is a snuggler, and is trying to hold onto being the baby for a little longer. she eats like a teenage boy, runs around like a kid on a sugar high, and makes really funny faces.

there are no words to describe how blessed we are, but like anything else, some days are really hard.

i continue to read all of your journeys though not as vigilantly as i once did. sending hugs to all of you out there ttc and all of you moms caring for little (and big, and four legged furry) ones. hope you are all well.

till next time....

update

its been a while, and i hate having that angry post be the last thing i've written. ugh i was so angry. im almost sorry that i shared my anger in such an unfiltered way, wait i guess i am sorry... sorry. so we've been moving along in the process, we officially got approved for our mortgage a few weeks ago, we seem to be in the final stages now. we are starting (barely) to pack, we still dont have a closing date. we should be getting some information about the appraisal into our hands this week, which should lead to final if any negotiation by our lawyer with theirs, and then hopefully we get to close and start working on the house before we move in. also, the moving date seems to be moved up. we got an email from the sellers attorney, to our attorney, a few weeks ago and the selling family said they are ready asap. so here we go. planning to try to be in to start working on the house by the end of the month, if we are able to close that quickly, and hopefully get moved in, in june. i cant wait. we are both going crazy in this apt. we just want the next happy chapter in our lives to start.

since i last wrote we went to portland to visit my SiL, had a wonderful few days out there with tons of completely delicious food and lots of fun. she actually is just finishing up a visit to us, as she had flown in for a wedding. so we have seen a lot of each other in the last few weeks and it has been really nice to all be together.

so thats about it, my brain is so fried lately, work has been stressful, life is life, and im not that motivated to blog lately. hopefully i get back into the swing of blogging one day.

laila completes her first set of swimming classes tomorrow. it was only 6 weeks, but i think it was beneficial. she was the crier in the class. she does not like when the instructor takes her to do an example of the exercise/activity, but all in all she does well.

i hate being angry in the morning!

ugh, so im so angry right now that i could cry. and so could lovedove, and anything that makes her want to cry, makes me want to kill the person who makes her want to cry. here's whats going on today.

our realtor, C, that we love, took us to see house #4 last week. it was not even listed on the market, it was through her office. she was able to get us in there, and we fell in love. we feel it was priced a little high for what it lacks (no driveway, basement isn't finished, the house is not very updated and was built in 1910, the 3rd bedroom is super tiny) but we fell in love. put in a bid under asking price. they countered. we countered with a slightly higher bid, but had reached our max offer. they didn't want to accept it, our realtor encouraged us to not pressure them for an answer quickly and just kind of wait around. the buyers were going to schedule an open house to see if they got any higher offers and we were going to wait. a few days later they decided not to do the open house and to just take our bid. we were thrilled. we signed a contract with our lawyer and asked him to hold it until we completed an inspection. meanwhile our realtor was being transferred to a new office and could no longer officially act on our behalf as our buyer's agent. so now we are stuck with the seller's agent acting as a "dual" (the only) agent advocating for both the buyer and the seller. we were sad but she also agreed to guide us from the sidelines.

monday (2 days ago) we met the home owner (husband) and the real estate agent for the home inspection. the word despise does not do justice for the feelings i have for the real estate agent. just the kind of old man, know it all, "this is my neighborhood", i feed every church pantry around, everybody knows me, cheap cologne wearing, piece of shit that i can't stand. he's trying to shmooze the whole time with crappy jokes, trying to play some the white republican card which never flies with me, and minimizing anything that they inspector is noting to us. he keeps telling me the house is in "mint condition" considering its age, and that they aren't showing the house to anyone else, and that it will be ours soon. the homeowner was nice, but very doofy, hasnt done a thing to the house since his inlaws sold it to him and his wife a year and a half ago. fine. there were some water leak issues that if not addressed could lead to problems with the foundation in time. we were waiting on the inspector's report to try to negotiate for some of the cost of the repairs that we are going to have to take on.

the report was done on monday. monday afternoon mr shmoe real estate agent calls me and tells me he's "got a guy" who can fix the issue for $100. yea ok, im gonna put my home in the hands of a guy who can fix a potentially big problem for $100. so i tell him we are going to wait on the report and go from there. tuesday night i get the report, start to go over it. fwd it to my attorney and ex agent and plan to discuss the following morning (today).

i get an email (30 mins ago when i turned my computer on) that the seller's/our dual agent, told our real estate attorney, that they received a "higher offer" on the house. this piece of shit is gonna bullshit, (bc i HIGHLY doubt that they have a higher offer) use scare tactics, and bully me into buying the house as is. and guess what.. he's gonna win. we are going to buy the house without trying to negotiate so that his seller gets the highest paid price and he makes whatever commission he's going to get. he's going to take as much of the money that we only have from losing our mother as he can, and he's going to be proud of himself and slap a shit eating grin on his face at the end of the day. and at the end of that same day, i better have that fucking house in my possession. this piece of shit bully is gonna get a piece of my mind when this is all said and done. mostly respectfully, but i intend to walk into his office and embarrass him in front of his coworkers, trash him on yelp, and explain his lack of ethics to anyone and everyone i ever have a real estate conversation with in the future. i honestly might take my kids with me when i walk into his office to speak with him to teach them about bullies. i believe there is a special place in hell for people who fuck around like this. i trust in God/the many Gods/higher powers whoever, that he will get what is coming to him.

i get that its your job to sell a house for the highest price, but do it honestly. i dont wish bad things on people, i dont believe in that kind of thing, but i trust in the universe that karma will get his fucking asshole.

our next chapter

house hunting.

we have a limited budget. we only have 1.5 incomes, but we have a large down payment. we are the opposite of the typical homebuyer. i dont think our wish list is that large, you be the judge. 3 bedrooms, at least 1.5 baths, a basement, somewhere to park the car, workable kitchen with some space, in our budget close(ish) to where we are now. we know that certain parts of this neighborhood are typically out of our budget. we know that anything we can actually afford is going to need some work. fine. we'd love to move asap, but clearly we are going to wait for the right one to come along, since it will be the biggest purchase of our lives.

here are the three houses we've seen in person so far.

house #1. the too small ranch house. 2br ranch with a basement being used as a master. had some backyard space which was really nice. only one bathroom which was upstairs. small kitchen even though it was nicely updated, definitely not enough room for our larger gatherings. felt small, felt like an apt to me. i want our house to be and feel like a house. one of the key reasons why we looked at it was for the yard space and the zoned school, which is the best in the neighborhood. it was also listed out of our budget. we knew it wasnt the one for us. good to get into a house in person and look at it, we really needed to get the first one out of the way.

house #2. the quirky house. a legal two family house with lots of old charm. priced very attractively (aka needed a lot of work). nice part of the neighborhood from the online pics you could tell that it was super old and needed a lot of work. we walked into it for the open house, and we were concerned that it was going to fall down with us in it.

house #3. the crazy clutter house. it was listed way out of our price range, but our realtor felt like the owners might be negotiable since they had listed the house for at least 10 months total in the last year. from the outside pictures this looked like a house we could like. it had everything on our wish list. HOWEVER. we walked in there today. there was so much junk in this house, it was amazing. there were also loads of structural problems and water damage that were visible to even an untrained eye. there was also no oven in the kitchen. the selling realtor had no idea the last time the roof was done.  the house was dirty, like it felt dirty, and im not someone who gets easily grossed out by a little bit of "living" dirt/dust/etc. the basement was big, there was a 2 car garage, but not a lot of outside space. it was the first house that we walked into and liked the layout. it was a 3bd 2 bath colonial and it seems like the kind of house we want.

thats all we've gotten to on the house hunting front. we've been "actively looking" for almost a month. hoping the spring brings us some more options, and negotiable sellers. so far it has been funny and interesting. i wonder where this will take us.

1

here we are a year and a day later, after giving birth to our littlest munchkin laila. life is as good as it can be given the circumstances of our family's recent loss. we're looking forward to a new year with new hope and opportunity. her first official (i need to note her official birthday party because my mother has thrown her two different "parties" in the last week, with food, cake, and guests {not many but still}, one while she was watching the kids while we were out, and the other during lovedove's work hours. needless to say, we were irritated and we will not be nominating her for least invasive/abrasive grandmother of the year) birthday party is next weekend and we are looking forward to that very much. its going to be quite the bash, unlike our usual parties that we put together ourselves. neither of us have the drive or brain cells to take on a task that large at this moment in time.

im sure there are other things i could think about but my brain is a little frozen today, we have no heat or hot water. landlords called the plumber at 7:30 this morning, he was supposed to be here "asap, by 12 at the latest", and its now 2pm and no sign of him. guess my clients are meeting with a stinky therapist today! whatever, my landlords are shmos, there are 4 children in this building under the age of 4, 2 teenagers, 3 animals (dog, cat, bird) and 6 adults, you would think they would get on the guy about what "asap" actually means. whatever, at least its not single digit temperatures anymore. im thankful this is the first time in my life ive ever dealt with something like this. there are many worse things, hopefully its taken care of quickly.

anyway... here's a picture of the little one eating her first ring ding on her first birthday.

hope you are all well. happy new year everyone.