4.30

4.30.12 is likely the most optimistic day of my life thusfar, it was the day of my single embryo transfer. i dont remember all of the day, but i remember being on the table for the transfer, and the doctor telling me the embryo was "a good one". i dont have a fancy schmancy picture of laila as an embryo (like everyone else in blogland seems to) but truly i dont need it. today, a year later, i have her. its almost completely unreal to me, that as i type this, she is thrown over my shoulder half passed out because i just breastfed her. biological motherhood is everything i thought it would be, and the pride of being her biological mother, knowing that i made this amazing little person, is boggling to me.

she was teeny tiny when she was born, and even tinier a few days later when she weighed in at 6lbs bc my milk wasn't fully in, and today people were telling me how big she looked for her age. she visited my dad's office for the first time and one of his coworkers said she looked like she was close to 6 months old bc she was so alert and so big. she's all i could ask for her to be at this age, a healthy smiley drooly meatball ham (i say ham bc when she gives you a smile, she really gives you a smile).

ill actually get to see how "big" she is at her 4 month appointment next friday, i'm looking forward to her measurements. 

actually, im looking forward to everything.

watching the nb.a playoffs with me <3

confessions + church

yes, my weirdo momma confessions. i've already divulged some of these things to friends who are non moms, and im pretty sure they think im a lunatic. even lovedove thinks some of these are totally nuts.

1. i kind of love the smell of (solely) breastfed baby poop. to me its just so sweet and not really stinky at all. clearly a very odd thing, but its the truth.

2. baby pee. also no big deal, i mean dont get me wrong i do my best not to get peed on, however, i feel like baby pee is similar to rainwater, like i could shower in it if i needed to. yes an extreme example, but im sure i could. rain comes through dirty air pollution and smoggy crap, and baby pee just goes through your baby, so really to me they are the same kind of thing. when i think about it like this, baby pee is less gross than rainwater. i think its an interesting theory.

3. lately ive noticed that im jealous of pregnant ladies, for being pregnant. it was one thing for me to realize that i would consider being pregnant again after being so "done" with it once i hit month number 9, but to see pregnant ladies and be jealous? im a lunatic, its official.

4. sometimes i sleep on the couch when sofia is watching sesame street at 7am.

5. sometimes im happy when sofia cries when she is refusing to nap, because it helps her to reach the point of exhaustion where she can't fight off heavy eyelids anymore. mean momma.

enough of that.

church.
went on sunday to have laila baptized. we're not huge church go-ers by any means. we went a few times before we had sofia baptized, and then weren't back in there until this baptism a little over a year later, but i'm happy to have a church to go to as a family, when we choose to. the whole family was there, like 40 people, we're italian like that. pretty sure the deacon was drunk, ok maybe he wasn't but he could have fooled anyone. he was stumbly any time he took steps backwards, lost his train of thought a few times, rambled on and on, and had a very creative spin on a baptismal ceremony. my favorite part was after baptizing each baby, he would hold them in his arms (or by the hand if they were big enough to walk) and present them to the church by walking them up and down the aisle saying "this is laila" or whatever their first name was. it was funny and cute. we had her luncheon/dinner in a party room at a bar my sister used to work at. we did the food ourselves, my mother and our grandmas made food too. it was a beautiful day out so all of the cousins were able to run around outside and everything worked out as well as we could have hoped. laila opted out of the party. after being pretty close to perfect during the ceremony, she found herself completely exhausted at the party and slept through the entire thing, just like i did at my baptism (according to my mother). now both of our babies are baptized, and will be able to attend catholic nursery school and be a God parent if they're asked by anyone in the future. as wonderful of a day as it was, im so glad its over. we planned and prepped so much, im spent.

everything else on our end is going well, other than sofia refusing to nap almost every day. i dont want her to grow out of napping yet, because she still needs them. she does so much better when she's sleeping well in terms of listening, not getting hurt - she gets so clumsy, etc. shes currently been fighting off this nap for 90 minutes. i usually set her free after a max of 2 hrs bc im not going to have her sit in her dark room all day, but i also feel like im giving in to her refusal when that happens. she just plays and sings and "reads" and looks out her window and does everything she can to keep her little peepers open. i hope she gives in soon.

breastfeeding is going well, i'll feed her absolutely anywhere (if i have to, i usually wind up being significantly more uncomfortable throughout due to the absence of pillows) and my most interesting location thusfar has been at a floral consult for a friend's upcoming wedding. the florist worked out of her basement office in her home and was super nice and told me i didnt have to cover myself which was sweet, but i always do, unless im home and its just the 4 of us. my boobs are way too big not to cover up. sometimes, and this is one of only 2 situations where i am jealous of small breasted women, i wish my boobs were smaller so it wouldnt be such a project to feed her. the only other time im jealous of small breasted women is when im playing sports, hence wearing three bras. one for placement and support, and two for compression. trust me its necessary.

laila's poop face is hysterical, she scrunches up and turns super red, my little tomato. she talks more than sofia did, but sofia's speaking is now non stop. questions, declarative sentences, "reading" books, its wild. she also "lies" ("momma said i could have candy") and does a pretty great job at trying to play me and her mommy against each other when there is something she wants but has been told "no" for.

we are just so blessed with our two girls, im thankful every day. cant believe our baby is  3.5 months already, time is flying.

hope you are all well.

april

now im sure i wont have time to post again tomorrow, but a year ago tomorrow i started my stim meds, which led us to baby Laila. Tomorrow she will be exactly 13 weeks old and it truly is amazing how much change can happen in a year. i know how fortunate i am that we were successful with our first ivf attempt, and i am always thinking of women who have been ttc for long periods of time without success. what i'd like to say is that i hope that pieces of this post speak to women who are ttc, and remind them that so much can change so quickly. at the same time, i'm very aware of how devastating, scary, and assaulting the process can be. i pray for happy endings for every woman ttc, and i hope that each woman trying to get to biological motherhood has the support system she needs. i know im rambling, i just want to instill some hope for those in the process.

Laila is awesome, she's a great baby, we've been sooooo blessed. She's a chunky little monkey with big chubby cheeks and a few rolls on her arms and legs. She is a happy, smiley, talkative baby and she LOVES to lay on her play mat. her baptism is this coming sunday and we're really looking forward to it. we'll be doing most of the food ourselves so we'll be busy busy busy this weekend. I'm excited for more of the extended family to meet her, and im excited to all of my cousins' kids since we only see them a (very) few times a year. i'm hoping that everyone is feeling well that day. lovedove has been fighting off a cold, that sofia just got, but luckily they're both hanging in there. we skipped sofia's playgroup today in an effort to keep her somewhat still and rested, and to not get anyone else sick. my MiL will be receiving some radiation treatment for the next week and a half, so i hope she feels ok on sunday. she's been hanging in there but has been having some more discomfort lately, i'm hoping the radiation helps with the pain management and gives her some relief.

what else... OH. we registered our little baby Sofia for nursery school in the fall. what?! how in the world is she going to be 3 already? my God, time truly flies. she'll be going to school, 3 days a week, 3 hours a day starting the week after she turns 3. im excited for her and i really think she'll do great. i believe that she will enjoy school. i'm a little worried about the first day, with the first drop off, but we've already been talking to her about the fact that mommies can't stay with her at school, and that she'll have to listen to the teacher. im a little worried about me that day too, but i guess it will just be the beginning of 1 on 1 time with Laila, who will be 9 months old by then. crazy. the school she'll be going to is the least expensive school we were able to find in the neighborhood, because i feel like its crazy to pay for schooling in general, because i believe in the public school system* (disclaimer: i grew up in public schools and was in advanced placement classes. i feel this shaped my view and allowed me to have a positive experience with school. i believe in the teachers in the classroom today, but i also acknowledge that some public school programs are better than others. im not sure what my 2014 and forward thoughts of public school will be, but at this point in time i am a big believer in public schools). so we're paying approx $2500 for 9 hours a week september-june. im happy with that and that tuition is do-able for us. schooling can get crazy expensive, like in park slope brooklyn. this season our league is using the gym of a private school. i googled the tuition rates, for pre-k (purely out of curiosity) and saw this ----> $18,395. SHOOT ME. who the hell has that kind of money for their 4 year old to go to school? the rates go up (to almost 36,000 for grade 12 students) as the child gets older. im all for taxing the rich. call me a socialist, im find with that. why the hell does any 4 year old need an $18000 education? give me a break. that is almost the poverty line for a family of 4 (i think that line is around 25,000). my mind was blown. sorry for the crazy school/money tangent.

i need to get better at writing myself a note when i think of topics to write about, bc i feel like this post is just rambly, but i will try to be a more substantial blogger in coming posts.

anyway, following along with everyone's stories as usual and wishing everyone the best.

still waiting for spring over here in ny, hope its springtime by you already!

we're back

got home from vacation late tuesday night and we've been settling back into reality ever since. the trip was fantastic, we had a great time, and everything was almost perfect. the girls were great on the plane rides, no screaming or fussing, though Sofia does a heck of a job at fighting sleep on long flights. Sofia got to swim in the pool at the hotel, jump on her cousin's huge trampoline (everyday), go to the beach, go to Dis.neyland, have a ton of play time with cousins and family, and meet Cinderella. I thought she was going to lose her shit when she met Cinderella, well she was overjoyed, but i kind of lost my shit. i cried a bunch, but how could i not? my 2.5yr old got to meet her favorite princess. here's a piece of Dis.ney magic:

i could cry right now looking at that picture. i dont think ill ever forget that moment. i cant believe the 4 pictures i managed to take came out so well, i was fumbling over my camera like an idiot bc i was so excited for Sofia. anyway, we got great shots of the 2 of them and Cinderella was so sweet. Sofia ran right into her arms and she hugged her for a long time. i think sofia is trying to kiss her in this picture but who cares?! she loves her!

our day at dis.ney was great, we got kind of a slow start to the morning, but did a few rides before we went home (to cousin's house about 15 minutes away) for lunch and a nap. i had pumped several times a day in the days leading up to our trip so that we could leave Laila with her Gramma and other family and luckily there was plenty of milk for the day and night. we headed back to the park around 5pm and stayed until 11. it was a fantastic day.

we saw tons of family which was good, but highly emotional with the ending of visits. for easter we had a huge gathering at the cousin house and Laila got to meet almost the entire side of the family that is out in cali. she was really good the whole trip, smiling and cooing at almost everyone who held her. she's quite the little chatterbox, and she's also a ham. none of her hair has fallen out though it does appear more sparse because her head is growing. her eyes are still blue and im hoping they stay that way. she sleeps really well but requires a tight swaddle as her arm and leg movements often keep her up longer than she'd like to be up. she's been sleeping a bunch lately so im thinking she's growing. she's a lot of fun and an awesome happy healthy baby, thank God. shes still terrible at binkies but shes making slow progress.

after the frequent pumping of the first half of our trip, i took some days off. its been a little rough getting the results im used to seeing after the mini break so im back to pumping a bunch to try to get back into the swing of things.

i feel like im so out of the routine of blogging, but i just dont seem to have any time lately. im drowning in a crazy amount of paperwork at work, but i feel like im always rushing home to try to get to Laila in time for her next feeding. my mon-thurs time with lovedove is so scarce that i never want to blog at night, but the days seem to be so filled with child care. plus i feel like i barely have anything to blog about anymore, i mean im sure i would have stuff to write about, if i had more time.

signed Sofia up for nursery school in the fall. she'll go for 3 hours in the morning,  days a week. im looking forward to it, but im kind of nervous about it. how is my little baby girl ready for school already??

anyway Sofia just woke up from her nap.

oh, proud breastfeeding mom moment of the week: i fed laila while making & flipping pancakes in my kitchen  yesterday  morning. yea try to picture that lol

who would have thought...

i've been missing being pregnant lately. don't ask me how this happened. i kind of miss being "huge" although i don't think i was that big compared to most pregnant ladies, and i miss my stretchmarks making me feel good about baby's growth. now they just make me feel mostly gross, only proud here and there. i think that i just felt majorly important when i was pregnant, you know? with all of the close care from medical professionals, the constant "how are you feeling"s from everyone friends/coworkers/family, and the mindfulness of the job i was doing, creating a baby every day. people are still asking me how i' feeling which is nice, it just feels obligatory at this point. i've felt a few of the phantom baby "kicks" lovedove used to tell me about, its soo strange when it happens. definitely just a weird gas bubble or some other shift of organs, but holy moly it takes me right back to when little laila was on the inside. i'm so glad she's here and im so glad that i dont have to freak out about my diabetes constantly anymore. don't get me wrong i'm still taking good care of myself, i just have a lot fewer freak outs when my sugar is high bc i know that i can't hurt (not that i ever did hurt her, luckily she came out perfect) the little one anymore. anyway, i do miss it, and the words "i would do it again" came out of my mouth earlier this week. i think i feel this way mostly because giving birth to laila was pretty much the best moment of my life. labor was rough, but giving birth is completely amazing. no more babies for us though, we donated our leftover embies to research which was hard to do, but i totally do not have it in me to donate potential full siblings of laila's to other couples. i would have loved to save them forever, just in case we ever change our minds, but its not do-able financially.

 i dont think that i have the baby blues, i'm pretty happy with life at this point, other than my MiL's cancer of course, but the fact that she's currently taking on chemo round #4 like a champ, yea - i'm happy. we are heading out to california for a family vacation in a week and a half. i cant wait. its going to be so wonderful to have everyone in one place. laila is going to meet all of her family out there and i can't wait to see everyone hold her and kiss her.

i feel like things feel totally different when you're the birth mom. with sofia i couldn't wait to share her with my family, but i think i just felt like the sidekick who had like, babynapped her and made her my own. i know that is completely ridiculous, but i felt so overjoyed to be a mom to this perfect little angel who i did none of the hard work to create. and with laila, i feel so proud to be the person/body who added another member to lovedove's family. i swear i feel like rafiki in the lion king, i'm just going to step out of the car when we arrive at our family's house and hold her above my head, and some amazing california sunbeam will shine down directly on her and our little cousins will cheer. i'm so looking forward to it. plus we're taking sofia to dis.ney.land for the first time. i'm way too excited about that.

anyway i have 15 other things i should be doing. i'm reading along with everyone on days where i actually have a few minutes to sit down and turn the computer on, wishing everyone luck!!!


oh ps, thoughts on renaming this blog.. should i? shouldn't i? do i make a new blog since this isn't a ttc/pregnancy one anymore? i feel like everyone makes a different one, is that the way to go?

7 weeks old

things are going well over here. this is way overdue, i keep wanting to post but free time is so scarce lately. plus i just went back to work this week, so the last thing i want to do when we have calm night-time time when the kids are resting is try to think clearly. i just want to veg out and watch tv with lovedove.

laila is getting bigger and bigger and i feel so proud. breastfeeding is the most rewarding thing i've ever done. every ounce that she gains, i know that i gave that to her, and my body didn't just do it automatically like it did while i was pregnant. this is a choice im making and its the right choice for me. i know im giving her the best nutrition possible and im proud of myself for taking on that responsibility. im hopeful that i'll be able to keep up with her needs when i start to have long evenings at work, but only time will tell, and i can only do my best. if i wind up having to supplement a little once in a while, so be it, and i'll just have to do my best not to flip out about it. we've been getting better as she's been getting stronger and more experienced, and i experience much less discomfort while feeding her.

i had a super proud mommy moment when i fed her in the mini restaurant at ikea last weekend. we sat in a corner and i nursed her under one of her muslin blankets. ps we LOVE these blankets and have heavily relied on them with both girls. they're great for everything (except for tight swaddles, i use receiving blankets for that bc they seem to hold tighter). these blankets are sofia's only "lovey" thing, and for her it doesnt matter which one it is. i'm so thankful for this, i was attached to my teddy bear "teddy" (creative name i know ::eyeroll::) and boy oh boy did he take a beating over the years. anyway, they're a bit pricey for blankets but i think they're worth every penny. then i nursed her when we were out to dinner last night whcih was more challenging and resulted in some soreness today but i still feel proud of myself for breastfeeding in public. i think its important. i feel like im part of some back to basics mom movement or something.

oh, its official. Laila is as bad at binkys as humanly possible, while still qualifying as a binky baby. She doesn't spit them out on purpose, and gets upset when she loses them, but omg she is the worst. She is so good at being a terrible binky sucker its actually pretty funny, but its also incredibly frustrating for us. She falls asleep best right after nursing (clearly) with a binky and sometimes without one, but she usually has a binky to go to sleep. You have no idea how many times,she has been in her cosleeper/swing/bouncer/carseat and we'vehad to givevher the binky back. Honestly I have no idea either, I probably can't count that high. We've tried several different types of binkies, we try to make it as easy as possible for her to keep a binky in her mouth, nothing has done the trick. I'm wondering when she will develop this skill, in the meantime ill keep replacing it.

The reason I care about her having a binky at all is bc I don't want her sucking her thumb. I did that until an embarrassing age (still in the single digits though) and I know it played a huge role in my teeth needing braces, so I would like to be able to take a binky away from her at an appropriate age as opposed to her favorite sucking aparatus being permanently attached to her hand.

hmm what else... we just got our new stroller. im really excited. its the joo.vy cabo.ose ultralight. the only thing i dont love about it is that sofia didn't like the extra seat that you can buy for the back, and the bench seat option on the back of the stroller does not give her a lot of room when the car seat is attached in the front. i'll love it more when laila is a few months older and we can just put her in the front seat. sofia will have a lot more room. luckily its still pretty cold out so we're not walking around too much, but we took it on its maiden voyage yesterday at target. its lovely to push, very smooth, and folds up to be just a little bigger than our original single snap and go.

work this week was fine, i honestly felt like i had never left. i didn't have much anxiety about going back, and though i jumped back into a full schedule, it wasn't too bad. im glad to be making money again and i will be a very happy camper when i get my first paycheck in a week and a half.

the money will definitely come in handy, even though we did really well living on the money we saved during my pregnancy, since we're heading to california to see family for a week. heading out there bc my MiL's chemo has been going well, as she is responding well. i can't imagine a person not needing a vacation after undergoing 3 rounds of chemo in 3 months. she still has more ahead, but im so glad she's handling everything so well. im sure it will be very emotional, but very good to be there. my SiL will also be joining us, along with lovedove's dad who rarely travels. cant wait, i also can't believe i'll only be back to work a month and taking time for vacation. whatever, we all need it. plus the family there will get to meet laila. cant wait. oh! and we're taking sofia to Dis.ney.land for the first time!! She is going to lose her mind, im so excited, there is nothing like a day at dis.ney.

sofia starts swim class this week, and laila has her 2 month check up on friday. at her one month check up she was 8lbs even, so im hoping for another big gain. shes smiling a lot more and cooing and stuff, so cute. she was getting up only once per night, but since going back to work its now two times, but im not complaining. she pretty much goes right back to sleep after a change and an eating session. thank goodness. she got really fussy two days this week. the first day i was kind of stumped, i had no idea what her problem was or how to help her, but by the second day i realized she was getting really overtired, and the lightbulb in my head went on and i realized she wanted to be swaddled to nap. i guess she's getting a little dependent on the swaddle, but i dont care. its a good thing in the winter bc it keeps them toasty, i'm hoping the dependence fades by summer.. we'll see.

anyway, im closely following all of the ladies stimming and getting ready for their transfers. wishing you all the best of luck!

will try to update again soon!

a long one

this post is going to start out very ranty in regards to our lgbt family and the hoops we have to jump through. you've been warned.

to start on a good note, our home visit with the social worker (Lori of NY Home Study) was last week and everything was fine. we worked with lori the first time around for sofia's adoption and she was lovely (and slightly socially awkward) then, and is still lovely now. it was a very quick visit, done in an hour, she had most of the needed information from the intake she did last time, and we just updated her on my journey to pregnancy and any changes in the last few years. she even did well with disa (she's not a dog person). i think she gives off a very calm and uninterested energy which works well around our pup. then she mentioned another mommy couple who live nearby who gave birth to a baby girl the day after laila was born. since then she's given us each other's emails and we've contacted each other, which is super lovely, as we only know one other lady couple with a baby. i'm glad that the home visit was as simple as it should be, even though its a hoop i wish we didn't have to jump through. PS i want to do that job one day, and what i really want to happen is for me to contact her in a few years when im ready to work FT again and i want her to say "sure i'll take you under my wing, i'm getting too busy anyway". boom. we'll see how i feel in 6 years.

next hoop, the birth certificate. with sofia it was no problem. she was technically born in queens, so thats in the city of ny. the birth certificate system at the hospital was equipped with the tools needed to give us the standard birth certificate with both mommies listed and this it what it pretty much looked like.

this time around, with laila being born in nassau county (long island NY) things are much different. i went to the office to retrieve her birth certificate bc they had taken so long to mail it, plus i wanted to double check that everything was correct. i get there and the woman hands me this.

my reaction: wtf is this? that doesnt look like an official birth record, it looks like something i created on my laptop at home. i don't want my kid going through life with a weird birth certificate that doesn't look legit.
she explains that this is her official copy of her birth certificate. their system is not equipped to put two mothers on a birth certificate with whatever system they use, or something like that i was only half listening bc i was angry. tells me i should complain, gives me a number to the office of vital records to call and they might be able to help get a copy on certificate/safety paper. i call the number, get transferred to a man named Jim. i explain the situation.he tells me he is going to look into it (calls the office i was just at) and calls me back. explains that its the village registrar's fault and i should complain to them as my daughter "deserves" a birth certificate that looks like everyone else's, thanks Jim. Jim is very understanding of why i feel this is an injustice to laila/our family, and explains there is a standard $35 fee to get a copy printed on the special (typical) paper. i ask if there is a way to waive that fee in this situation, he says he'll look into it. he calls me back (again - we spoke a total of 3 times which i think is amazing in a very good way) and says i can expect a phone call from a mr. higher-up-director-guy who should be "very accomodating". I thank Jim for his help and understanding. a few hours later i get a call from said director, who states he will be happy to waive the fee. he emails me the form, i'm to complete it and return it to him, and presto we'll have a pretty birth certificate for laila without incurring any kind of fee.

i could not believe how quickly the situation was handled and how understanding and efficient these gentlemen were. it was unbelievably simple. i didn't have to get angry, or yell at anyone to get something done. incredible. people doing their jobs well. very rare these days. so thankful. i'll prob complain to the registrar to be an advocate for future lgbt families, no family should have to "fight" for a regular birth certificate. that was all pretty silly that all of that was necessary.

here's my last rant. we got a bill from the hospital for a pediatrician that saw laila, presumably when she was in the nicu. the bill is for $550. my insurance company sent me $57 to cover the cost of this out of network provider. i'm not paying the remaining fee. why in the world would a hospital assign a dr to a child who did not take their insurance? when was i supposed to direct the hospital staff to only have my newborn be seen by a dr that takes my insurance? when i had 5 minutes with her before she was carted off? when i was strapped to the bed bc i had hemorrhaged and was receiving a blood transfusion that prevented me from getting to her in the nicu? maybe i should have pinned a note on the blanket that she was wrapped in that said "in network dr's only please". she did not need a specialist of any kind, she had no issues, all she needed was a pediatrician, and you give her a dr that is out of network. how does that make sense? and i do not want to hear that there was only one pediatrician on at that time. i dont buy that for a second. so i left a message for the billing office yesterday, of course no call back yet. they're either reducing that crap or waiving it. they expect me to pay nearly $500 for a visit with a dr that i did not even see tend to my daughter, or speak to in any way form or fashion? nope. not happening. i hope its not as ugly as im expecting.

onto happier things. i lovingly refer to laila as the poop shooter when changing her diaper, although she's more of a pee-r who strikes by surprise, i do enjoy the challenge of changing her without an incident. she starting to smile more often which is awesome, since she makes a bunch of crazy faces and not all of them are that cute. she had her one month check up yesterday and the dr says she is doing well. she gained 25 ozs in the last 21 days and is now 8 lbs. i feel really proud that i know that all of the weight she has put on is due to me/our breastfeeding. whenever i think about how my body created every little feature on her and functioning organs and every little hair on her head i start to cry. i know half of it is the hormones, but the other half is just how amazing babies are. she is the most amazing little person, and i cant wait for her to chub up some more and get even cuter.

next.. to celebrate my birthday we did dinner at a traditional tiny italian restaurant with my parents and grandma (wednesday),  and then we went out for dinner on friday with betsys parents, grandma, and sister. on friday night i had decided to take the night off from breastfeeding, and did, and i drank a bunch of wine. it was lovely, i got a little drunk, very relaxed and very happy. it was an early dinner considering sofia's bedtime is around 7:30, so we were home early, and i continued the wine party until i went to bed. before i went to bed my boobs were already getting engorged/painful. i had given laila 2 bottles of half formula/half (prepumped) breastmilk and things seemed fine on her end. she woke up 2 hours after we went to bed, my buzz was totally gone, i was already laying in a puddle of breastmilk, i was still in pain and i decided to feed her. it was fine but more painful than usual and my flow seemed pretty fast since she seemed to have a rough time keeping up and coughed more than usual while she ate. then she spit up like crazy. eventually we got back to bed. she woke up again a few hours later which is very atypical. she wakes up 1 time each night, usually around 4. when she woke up the second time, we had the same experience. leaky hurty boobs, aggressive eater baby, spit up. i'm assuming the massive spit up was due to some remaining formula in her belly, but the false feeling of being hungry bc thats her routine. who knows. it was fine, but i felt massively guilty in the morning. we all slept like crap, it was not an easy night feeding wise, and i just felt bad about it overall. i promised her i wouldn't do it again, though lovedove said i was making a much bigger deal than i needed to. as much as i miss and enjoy drinking a bunch, this experience did not make me want to take another night off any time soon. next time, whenever that is, i'll have to pump&dump, or shower and express some by hand before i go to bed, or do something to ease the discomfort for all involved. im learning.

i need to end this post bc its super long. i'll just write about my favorite thing about sofia this week and be done. again, her vocabulary is increasing like crazy and she said the word "appointment" last week. i was telling her that laila and i would be going to see the doctor, and she said "baby sissa have appointment?". i couldn't believe my ears. shes such a riot, and a little smart ass. today she said "actually momma thats me coat" when i was trying to fix the zipper that was stuck. who the hell is this kid  (and why does she think im going to steal her coat)? she's our kid, thats who. couldn't be more proud to be her momma.

man oh man i am one lucky lady.