milk+boobs

breastfeeding. it has been rough. my nipples have been sore more than they've not been. not sure if we're having a latching issue.maybe she's not latching on exactly where she should be, like she's not hitting a bullseye?? or maybe she's not latching as deeply as she should be. but sometimes she gets so mad that i dont even care where/how she latches that im just glad she's not yelling at me anymore. i mean i never let her stay on if i'm experiencing discomfort for more than 30 seconds, but i think that first 30 second pain is something a friend recently referred to as "lightning boob". i'm not sure if this is something that a lot of nursing moms experience, or if it's something that moms-that-aren't-as-good-at-breastfeeding-as-they-think-they-are experience. yes i realize i might be in this group.

however, i'm confident that laila is getting what she needs from me. she eats well, is usually able to focus on the task at hand, and wants to eat often. sometimes its an hour between feedings, sometimes its 4.5 hours. i actually set an alarm every night to wake me up to wake her up to eat. i know its kind of a (grandma's) rule not to wake a sleeping baby, but i've never really paid attention to that one. with sofia i always took a you're-on-my-schedule approach, if i needed to go to a dr appt, meet someone for lunch, etc. i never seriously messed with her schedule, if she needed one of her needs met, hunger/diaper change/etc, i tended to her needs. however if it was a matter of her napping in her crib and i needed to get out, i would just transfer her to her car seat, were i was pretty confident she would continue napping, which she usually did. laila will most likely face the same fate. anyway, so i have to wake her up to eat in the middle of the night. i do not want to see how long she can actually go without eating. i'm too afraid she'd wake up crazy starving and literally ruin my breasts with her crazy eating. she gets kind of aggressive. she's tried several times to ferociously nurse on several female family members and friends much to their surprise. its always funny to me.

i think my milk is continuing to come in more and more with the frequency of her feedings. due to my sore nipples, pumping is scary for me right now, plus she hardly ever gives me any time to pump bc on some days she eats almost constantly. for example, this morning she ate at 7:30, 8:30, 9:30, and 10:30 before taking a long leisurely nap on the couch in the sunshine. at this moment it's 12:12 and i know my minutes are numbered until she's ready to eat again.

i've been concerned about starting to try to stockpile milk for her for when i return to work/have extended periods of time away from her/take a few hours off from feeding her to knock a couple drinks back (which im starting to really itch for). and since my nipples are scared of the pump when they're sore, i've ventured into the world of hand expressing milk. the woman who ran the breastfeeding class i attended in the hospital mentioned it and how to do it, but recently i looked into it via the world wide web. there are videos out there, but i have only read instructional articles at this point. i did some "expressing" yesterday, and then again today and i've gotten about 1.5 ozs so far. not a lot, but enough to be proud of, and enough for my nipples to be thankful that they didn't have to face the pump to get. i might not have gotten as much as i would have with the pump, but it was far more comfortable and didn't take any longer than a pumping session would. plus today i got a whole ounce after feeding laila all morning, so i felt really good about that. i feel like doing it by hand can help to get some of the hind milk from ducts further back in the breast that the pump just can't get to. plus its very rewarding when you find a good spot and your milk just flows(squirts) into the bottle. i've always been a fan of doing things with my hands, ie crafts,crocheting,attempting to fix things/car activities, so this is another thing to add to my activity list.

i keep hoping that my nipples will get less sore (during the latch) as time goes on, because once she's on things are fine. she's been on for the entire second half of this post and i haven't experience any discomfort, unless she tugs one way or another, little maniac. i guess ill just wait and see and if i continue to experience "lightning boob" during the latch, i might have to contact a lactation consultant. another thing on my to-do list that i would rather not address. 

anyway, we're only 3 weeks into breastfeeding, so i hope i can look back on this post later and say i've made progress in a few weeks. fingers crossed.....

2.5 weeks later

little laila has been with us for 17 days now, and our time together has been completely amazing. she's wonderful and adorable and does a heck of a lot of sleeping right now. she sleeps a bunch during the day, but she does sleep well at night too, just as long as she's got a very full belly. we did have a few challenging nights, where it seemed that a not-full-enough-belly seemed to be the issue, but i had reached my limit with breastfeeding at the moment. i should have just kept her attached to me and tried to sleep that way, but instead they were semi-sleepless nights. it's all part of the learning curve.

laila tends to cluster feed at night, so she's usually attached to me in the evenings. it makes me wonder what kind of transition we'll be facing once i go back to work in a little over a month. hopefully by that time i'll have a large supply of breastmilk frozen for her or freshly pumped in the fridge for lovedove to give her while im at work.

i keep feeling like i want to put my thoughts about certain things out there, as advice/expereince/etc. i guess its like the super honest truth stuff... we're in the trust tree right? um.. lets see what i think is important to know....
1. i'm sure having a birth plan is important for some people, but i'm glad i didn't have one. it would have went out the window anyway with all of the unexpected things that took place with my delivery. when i was in labor, almost nothing mattered. i didn't care who delivered laila, i still have no idea what the doctor's name is who actually delivered her. i'd like to know her name, just to be able to give her credit for her great work and care, but it doesn't matter.
2. i got a hemorrhoid(my first one ever), i guess from pushing, and for the first week after i delivered, that was half of my pain. dermop.last spray was a god send. the other half of my pain was the general soreness. itchiness from the stitches came later for me.
3. breastfeeding and/or pumping are definitely tough. nipple soreness after a few bad latches/slightly off center pumping attempts hurts crazy badly, i can totally understand why some women don't continue when things get rough. i believe it's so worth it, even with some discomfort. lanolin by med.ela is saving my life daily. i've successfully pumped 3x, and got a total of 4.5 ozs. i feel really proud of my self, but i can't go near the pump when my nipples are sore, which makes me feel guilty bc i want to stock pile milk for laila... all in due time i guess.
4. post partum hormones are insane.

i felt like i had so much more to say but i guess i dont. whatever.

now for some fun facts about laila. she has been able to lift her head with moderate head control since the day after she was born, it's very odd. she makes loads of funny faces, and smiles (what i think is) a lot for a newborn. lately she's become a "fresh air releaser", well at least that's how i'm referring to her. during diaper changes she now attempts to pee/projectile poop in the time that you remove a soiled diaper from her bottom, and place the new diaper. she got me with poop the other night, peed all over the changing table when my sister changed her for the first time yesterday. i think  its hysterical. i dont even really mind, i've just adapted and she hasn't gotten me again since! that little stinker. her belly button fell off 2 days ago and i think we're going to give her her first bath tonight. i might post a pic if it goes as well as sofia's first bath. we use the prince lio.nheart wash.pod. yes, it's essentially a baby in a bucket, with a rubber seat at the bottom to keep baby in place, but it has been absolutely wonderful in our experience. yes it requires very close supervision, but sofia LOVED it. hoping laila does too.

got a letter from our RE's office with the storage prices for our remaining embryos. we've decided that 2 babies is our limit, and we dont have any plans for family expansion past this point. the storage is nearly $100 a month, and that is really an additional expense that we can't afford to take on, and truly don't need to. its kind of hard for me to let these remaining embryos go. i'm not sure why. and then i kind of feel guilty that i'm not donating them to some infertile couple somewhere, but i dont think i would be able to do that. ug. its such a loaded issue.

i guess thats all. just wanted to check in and write some stuff down. enjoying reading everyone's birth announcements and stories, and still following all the ladies ttc.

sofia is coming down with a cold from the crazy cold we've been experiencing, and my challenge for the next week will be to keep laila healthy. that should be difficult.

laila coral

Laila. arabic origin, means "night beauty", usually refers to dark hair or dark complexion. yes, yes, and yes. Laila Coral arrived at night, is absolutely beautiful - if i do say so myself, and has a load of dark hair. here's the whole spiel on how she arrived. like all birth stories, its long, so grab your glasses bc your eyes might get tired.
*********disclaimer: if you're super pregnant and are planning on having a vaginal birth, you might want to postpone reading this post. its certainly not the worst story ever, but there were a few unexpected turns for me, which i document pretty explicitly.  i will put a line of stars at the end of the story, if you want to skip the text and just get a peak at our newest addition. *********************************************

monday morning, Gma arrived on time to watch big sister to be Sofia, and lovedove and i were out the door on time. i had been instructed not to eat - in the event that they do induce, and in the event that i need a c-section, my stomach needs to be empty. for the record, the last thing i ate was chocolate chip cookies and milk at 9:30pm the night before. we arrived to my appointment on time and were greeted by a very comical labor and delivery nurse. i got into a fashionable hospital gown, and got on the uncomfortable labor and delivery triage table/recliner and started to wait. luckily there was a tv with some morning news show on to pass the time, and lovedove and i just chatted about whatever, our anxiety about the day, etc.

the waiting wasn't terrible, the next part was. i got "checked" aka fiste.d by a l&d pa named Jenna, sorry bitch, but there's a right way and a wrong way to "check" someone. however it does seem to be a rare skill that not many practitioners have learned to do well. i just dont understand. i mean as a lesbian, i can find a cervix. if that was part of my job, i dont think i'd be rushing through the task and being as forceful as many medical professionals seem to be. sorry to get sidelined, but its worth saying. so i get checked by Jenna, she confirms im about 1cm and says that my cervix is soft, i guess to give a silver lining to her aggressive exam, and then i recover for a while. i'm soon joined by a resident who is part of my dr's team, we do some medical history stuff, blah blah blah, my dr pops in to say good morning which i love, and gives me hope that she'll be present here and there throughout the day. (spoiler: she's not.).

a few more staff members roll in, a dr from anesthesiology, etc, jane the sono tech (meh) with debbie the sono tech (the pro who had given me the gummy bear sono pic of baby at 9ish weeks) bc they will be the sonographers guiding the amnio, and eventually one of my dr's colleages comes in with his team and goes through all of the risks. risk assessment is always fun, but i understand why they need to - not everyone is as google proficient and educated as we all are lol. anyway i was thrilled that there were so many familiar faces in the room, it really helped to keep my anxiety down about the procedure. it was not terrible, but certainly not fun, but it was moderately fast. the dr said that the amnio went as smoothly as it could have, and said that the amniotic fluid looked good/clear with a little cloudiness, which usually is a sign of lung maturity, or maturity overall, something like that. he tells us that if the results signal a strong positive that the lungs are mature we should know very quickly, within an hour or so. if they are questionable, the samples would need to be sent out to another lab for further testing, and we'd be contacted by phone after several hours with the results/instruction. well, about a half hour later the doctor returns with our good news, her lungs are mature, and they're going to admit me for induction. lovedove asks if i can eat, mr nice dr says yes, he expects "a lot of boring" for the most part, as this is my first delivery, i'm getting induced, etc.

i get to stroll through l&d in my gown, with my sexy IV pole, and i get into the huge labor/delivery/recovery room. my brain thinks about how many people could fit into that room. i have no idea of my brain's ironic foreshadowing. we wait around for a while, my dr pops in again, says we'll start the cyto.tec to try to ripen my cervix. fine. its 2:30, i get fiste.d to a lesser degree by another young medical professional, and she inserts the tiny quarter of a pill to get the ball rolling. i can't get up for 2 hours now, not easy for a very pregnant woman. oh, and i get my answer about food. its a no. i bitch about the answer and ask to speak to dr. noyoucanteat, but i only speak with a few nurses and other doctors who tell me that the hospitalists don't like to allow laboring moms to eat due to the possibility of food in the stomach if a c-section is needed. the first dr., who told me yet later came in to apologize, but since he's not there as a "delivering ob" and just a high risk, mfm dr there's not much he can do. i appreciated the conversation though. clearly i voice my gripes about being a diabetic, unable to eat, having not eaten, facing a difficult road to managing my blood sugar levels via a glucose drip in my IV in conjunction with my insulin pump. sidenote, i'm not going to go further into my diabetes management in this post, but i did go low twice in the boring/early stages of my labor, which is physically exhausting on its own and very frustrating when you can't just treat a low by drinking some juice. end sidenote. oh yea, and my general complaint about not allowing laboring women nourishment before the most amazing physical task of their lives. i lose the battle and start to ration ice chips so i don't have to pee in 5 minutes. ps, i love ice and chewing ice, and ice chips are awesome, so i'm only half complaining. so like i said, i cant get up for the first 2 hours, but the meds have the ability to be productive for up to 4 hours. so i lay in the bed, watch tv, watch my fetal monitors, the ones i've become so familiar with due to all of my non stress tests, and try not to watch the clock.

4 hours later, its about 6:30, and i've been having some mild contractions. i get checked again, am told im 1-2cm, 60% effaced, -3, which means that baby is still wayyyy up there and not really down in the birth canal at all. i'm a little discouraged, but i've been contacting a little so i try to stay positive. my body is reacting at least a little to the meds, so thats a good thing. they tell me they want to see if i continue to progress without a second dose for the next hour or two. fine. i continue with some little contractions, nothing major.

they give me the second dose of cyto.tec. it's 8:30. my contractions seem to start to pick up, im moderately uncomfortable but i'm not seeing my contractions on the monitor. i talk to my nurse, she says that its just an external monitor so sometimes the things just aren't placed right to pick everything up. i'm frustrated that i can't see them on the screen/print out bc i feel like now the signs of discomfort i'm beginning to exhibit seem phony/unwarranted. whatever. i start to have to breathe through the pain a bit during contractions and i begin to use the arms of the bed, by trying to break them off or pull myself up on them, to try to get through the beginning phases of my labor. the nurse had brought up stadol, which i took her up on around 9 or 10. i was thankfully able to sleep-ish for the two hours that it took effect. it made me really dizzy so i kept my eyes closed but it definitely helped me rest more than i had all day.

at 12:30, i get checked. the words i hear: 2, 70, -3. cue my emotional breakdown. im angry that i have been working through contractions that i have no visual proof of, and my body isn't giving the medical people any proof either. i'm angry because i haven't eaten in 27 hours. i'm devastated bc i feel like this is going to take forever. lovedove and my 7pm-7am nurse Belkis, yes she deserves to be named but for a positive reason, not like our friend Jenna, try to reassure me that it's a good thing that im contracting, remind me that inductions can take a really long time, and try to validate my feelings of frustration. i kind of just keep bitching to lovedove and my contractions keep getting worse. they wait on the 3rd dose bc im still contracting. emotional breakdown continues, so do contractions.

at 1:30 i'm starting to lose my shit from my pain, so they check me again. i'm now 4cm, and i dont remember the other details. a few minutes after i get checked, i feel something that seems like a punch to my cervix from baby, i say "ow" and the nurse and lovedove ask whats up. i think that my water just broke, but i don't say that, bc i dont feel any gush. i say that i think she punched me. 2 minutes later i do mention about my water, and now i feel my contractions start to kick into high gear. oh boy. lovedove gets the nurse to tell her about my water, and to tell the nurse to start tracking down whoever can get me an epidural.

the next hour is complete hell, i beg for an epidural, which i wanted since i was 2cm. i continue to try to dismantle the arms of the bed, which i kind of think i might be able to break off, but i'm unsuccessful, thankfully bc it gives me a challenge other than getting through the pain. supposedly the anestesiologist is busy with another laboring mom, and now i'm doing my best to stay calm and just get through the contractions. i know that i tried to control my vocalizations when they started to get bad, but eventually i'm pretty sure i was kind of yelling through them. lovedove says i began to curse a lot, and i told her that i was going to "fucking kill someone" if i didn't get the epidural soon. i have no memory of that statement, but she says she knew that shit was going down with words like that. every time i looked at her while i was having a contraction. she looked petrified of me. lovedove says she just didn't know what to do to help, there was nothing she could do. i didn't want to be touched by anyone at all, unless it was the anesthesiologist.

its now 2:30am and im losing my mind from the pain. i get checked, i'm 7cm dilated. my nurse can hardly believe how fast i'm progressing, as the typical cytote.c induction takes 4 doses/16ish hours before they introduce another drug to kick up the contractions. i know that 7 is often the cutoff for being able to get one and i beg to be given one before i lose my opportunity. for non-math wizards, let me remind you that i've gone from 4cm to 7cm in approximately 1 hour. yes, i had constant atrocious contractions. back to back to back, with very little resting time in between. my contractions continue to get worse and faster and more intense, and now at the end of the really bad contractions i feel my body start to bear down on it's own. i know this can't happen yet, at only 7cm, and i do what i can to fight it. i tell lovedove and my nurse what i'm feeling and my nurse knows how serious things are getting. the anesthesiologist finally get there, simultaneously goes over the risks, sets up, and gives me instructions. i tell her to please just do it, as i try not to lose my manners while i dig my fingers into my calves to get through a few contractions without moving. she completes the epidural and i begin to get some relief. i can still feel the contractions but i know that i'll need to when it comes to pushing time. i'm relieved and my contractions are manageable again.

as soon as the epidural is done, i get checked again, i'm at 10cm, and its time to push. no rest for the weary here. they tell me to do a "practice push". i half ass it, but they seem happy with it, so i think im on the right track and i get ready for the real deal and to exert a real full effort for the main event. 3 sets of pushes within 5 minutes and she's out. honestly, i think that delivering her was the easiest part of all of this. i guess it helped that she was actually only 6lbs and 11ozs, as opposed to being a whole lb larger as they were estimating. Laila Coral entered the world at 3:43am and they placed her on my chest. all i could do was cry. it was unbelievable. it feels like some weird dream. i know she has to go to the nicu to be monitored for 12 hours, and i do a pretty good job of keeping it together when they roll her away.

the hospitalist and one of the girls who checked me on her team stitch me up, i have no desire to know what grade of tear i had, or how many stitches they needed to give me. the end of the stitching is uncomfortable, i'm tired and starving. i eat an apple and nutte.r. butter.s. and i try to rest. you may think the story is over, oh no my friends, there's more to come.

at around 6am, approx 2 hours after i delivered Laila, my nurse asks if i would like to use the restroom, that way they can gauge how i'm doing, and see if they can get the ball rolling on me getting to the nicu to try to nurse our brand new baby. i do well getting to the bathroom in my huge room with assistance from my nurse who instructs me to try to pee, and i close the door and sit down on the toilet. i realize that something is wrong, i feel funny, and my vision is getting spotty. from my seat on the potty i open the door and try to speak loud enough to tell lovedove that i need to check my sugar. my eyes close. they open. i'm still on the toilet, i hear my name being said a few times, i smell something strong, and when i'm able to pick up head up and focus my eyes, i see what i think is the entire nursing staff of the labor and delivery floor. they help me get back to my bed, i'm very confused, i ask where lovedove is and if she's scared bc by now i know something is wrong. they're giving me oxygen, checking my sugar, and i don't even know what else. apparently i had lost a lot of blood during my actual labor, completely unbeknownst to me but lovedove says she knew from what the convo between the doctors and nurses when i was delivering Laila, and in the bathroom i had passed a huge blood clot, which caused me to pass out. the drs and nurses provide amazing care and i stabilize and continue to get monitored really closely. i apologize to all of them, especially my poor nurse, and to lovedove. for a second i think that i might die because she's holding my hand and crying, but i'm pretty sure i wont. my poor lovedove. i put her through the ringer.

my dr rolls around in the morning, and suggests i have a blood transfusion. to significantly decrease my recovery time from everything. she declares that she has made an "executive decision" and will order me 2 units of blood. fine. after the 2 unit i actually look at myself in the bathroom and i look like a fucking zombie. i'm thankful that i didn't see myself when the shit was hitting the fan, i can't imagine how bad i looked.

*********************************************************************************

this story fortunately for us has a happy ending. we were discharged from the hospital around 2pm on thursday, like normal/healthy people and we got to go home and start our family's new normal. it's overwhelming, very emotional - these postpartum hormones are nuts, and i can not believe how happy i feel. i'm no longer a pregnant ball of anxiety and i feel like me again. i'm breastfeeding Laila, and i've finally got some milk, as being a diabetic can delay it's arrival. we're all doing great, getting used to each other, and adjusting day by day. this post has taken me all night to write, but i'm glad its done. im sure i'll have things that i forgot to say, and if they're important i'll do a post about them or amend this.

here's a few pics of our newest bundle of joy.

when they finally brought her to me after she was released from the nicu. needless to say,
i never got to the nicu to visit her

lovedove and laila

laila and her favorite part of my body during a late and lonely hospital night

laila in a crazy preemie hat from her gma that will only fit
 her tiny head through the end of this week

the little lady earlier today. we're not really headband people,
 but i wanted to throw one on for shits and giggles

i feel so happy with our family and so truly complete. i'm totally in love again. i love our life so much, and im proud of us, as we've planned and worked so hard to get to where we are today.

i'm so exhausted, and laila is squeaking like a little mouse and will most likely start yelling at me to feed her any second.

thank you all for your congratulatory wishes and your support through these crazy crazy months of my pregnancy and pregnancy planning.

she's calling me, and i love her for it.

baby!

update from elisabeth, amy's wife-
i know how eagerly she anticipates news when anyone else is awaiting exciting news so i wanted to let you know we welcomed beautiful Laila Coral (middle name picked by sofia, mostly) at 3:43 on Tuesday morning. she was 6 lbs 11 oz, 21 in and amazing. the labor was slow, then ridiculously fast and actually a little crazy, amazing, then a little scary and now everything has calmed down. baby and momma are together. i'm home for the night since i haven't slept at all since sunday night. i'll let her explain the rest of her birth story but i just wanted to let you all know that she's here!!

the last 24 hours

they've been quite interesting. i must have overdone it on the insulin yesterday morning, and had a hard time keeping my sugar up for a bit, which of course sent me into a panicked tailspin where i think my placenta is failing and i call my dr's office to see if i should come in for a sono. long story short, i call the sono office, speak to a nurse, who consults a dr, and she says she'll page my dr. cue panic. my doctor calls within about 10 mins and says come in for an amnio and we'll deliver the baby. i'm like.. woah woah woah, all this coming from the lady who i could not persuade to move my induction up a few days just 2 days ago. i suggested that maybe i just overdid it with the insulin. she agrees to let me see how the day goes and asks that i call her back by 5pm.

i feel like shit all day, nausea and fatigue though i run errands with Sofia and a very helpful friend, and by 2pm my stomach starts to be upset, unexpectedly. sugar comes back up throughout the day so i call my dr and tell her i think all is well. she tells me to come in for an amnio on monday and says we'll go from there. she doesn't want to sit on a situation where i'm feeling anxious and noticing decreased insulin needs. fine by me. at 4:30 i vomit violently, which was interesting since i can't remember the last time i vomited. it sucked, but the nausea went away after that. the frequent trips to the bathroom continued throughout the night so i slept like crap. i rested a lot last night and this morning, but it has not been that rejuvenating. i think this is all some quick 12ish hour stomach bug, lovedove isn't convinced its not the start of labor, but i haven't had any real contractions so i think, at least at this point, that i'm right.

because i wasn't able to keep anything in my body since 1pm yesterday, baby's movement was minimal this morning. she was fine but lazy last night, but made me really anxious this morning. throughout today i've able to get down and retain some saltines, OJ, and 2 english muffins, since the muffins she's been better. im so thankful. i'm aware that type 1 diabetic moms like myself are at some increased risk of stillbirth so of course that was creating havoc in my mind when she was not moving much.

so anyway, thats that. it was too crazy not to post. i'm hoping the next time i post it will be about her arrival. i'm not sure what to expect on monday. lovedove is coming with me. my appt is at 9, i have to be there at 8. i'm not really worried about the amnio, i think i'm just unsure of what kind of emotions i'll have if/when they say "ok her lungs are ready, lets get you going". i'm happy she'll be here sooner than later, i'm tired of being a nervous wreck about monitoring her when i cant actually see and hold her.

so.. we'll see what happens from here... wish me luck! (<--- you don't have to, but cross your fingers)

i currently live at the corner of irritability and irritability

i am such a moody cranky bitch lately i can barely stand myself, so prepare yourself for a ranty bitchy post.

yes there are a lot of things going on, yes i'm super pregnant, but this is so not me. i feel like im in such a weird funk. little things set me off for hours, not that im hostile for hours, but grumpy for a long long time. i guess i'll try to identify why with a few minor updates.

work crap - monday i had gotten a semi nasty voicemail from one of the admin people at my job about a session note that she claimed wasn't written (i always write my notes for sessions with clients, or else i dont get paid - at all. i dont make a dime for the paperwork i complete. if my clients dont show up for session, i make $0)  but she said they would pay me (payday was tuesday) for the session because my client had signed in on the sign in sheet, so clearly he was there for our appointment. i looked into it when i went in on wednesday, and sure enough the note was there in the file, however, my mistake was that i had forgotten to change the date at the top of my note (so it seemed like there were 2 notes for 12/10, instead of one for 12/10 and one for 12/17), and had only listed the correct date (17th) on the bottom, next to my signature. but for me, it felt like a slap in the face that this woman had the nerve to call me and leave me a nasty message. i felt like it implied that 1- i didn't do my job well (for that day, and i've been there for over 2 years) and 2- she was going to be doing me a favor by paying me for work that i didn't have proof i had done. it just feels sometimes like no one at my job has any idea of how to use rational deduction strategies to figure out when something is off. like, couldn't she just look one page back and say "hey, thats weird, there isnt a note for the 17th, but there are 2 for the 10th, that seems odd, let me actually READ the notes and look at the dates and figure out what happened?". morons. and seriously, im 9 months pregnant. do me a favor and think for a second and dont crucify me for not changing one date on one note. fuckers.

MiL stuff - she's starting treatment w chemo today but she has been in pain over the past few days, which im thankful i havent been around to witness due to work and my own dr appts, but clearly i dont want her to be in pain. it has been so hard on lovedove, her sister, and father. they are all doing their best to just put on a brave face and provide her with the support that she needs, but its been a long week and a half since xmas. it seems we just keep getting discouraging news, we're all just waiting on a little bit of good news, it has to come eventually right? maybe she'll respond really well to the chemo. ug. chemo. smh.

dr stuff - so i had my appt yesterday with my ob, who as i've said many times before, i usually love. yesterday i didn't love her. i know that i was tired from sitting around and waiting, (i had just sat for an hour waiting for my sono, then another 20 minutes before the non stress test, then 25 mins on the non stress test, then walked across the hall to wait for 20 minutes for her appt), but she seemed tired too. she did the heartbeat check with the mini doppler and asked about if i was feeling good movement from baby, my blood sugars, etc. then i asked if we could talk about induction dates, bc im so much of a planner. she said fine and we walked into her office. we chatted for a minute and she again, stuck to her 39 week guns and said the 13th. i asked if we could do it a few days earlier, she returned that with the idea of an amnio to check lung maturity which i dont want, so i gave in to the 13th. i mentioned how it might be nice to have the baby on the 14th, as it is the anniversary of my grandma's death and it might be nice to add a smile to that day. her response "oh honey, you won't have her on the 14th, this might take a while".

FIRST OF ALL, you so often say my favorite line (we plan and God laughs) so how the fuck do you know that this labor that you are going to start on the evening of the 13th, will progress so slowly, that i'll be strapped to a bed for at least 30 hours before i birth this child? SECOND - where is your judgement on how a statement like that will affect a very pregnant woman's emotional state? come on! i was ready to kill her. how do you know that my labor will take that long, and how dare you put it out there that you think it will take forever to have this baby. fuck, even if you're thinking it might take that long, you don't have to say it like that. i get that induction medications can take a while, but seriously.. you're suggesting that the inactive stage of my labor is going to last at least 24 hours? fucking shoot me. i dont have an iPad, i don't read books, what the fuck am i supposed to do for all of that time, strapped to a bed and monitors, waiting for medications to get my body to progress to active labor. i'm not someone who can just sit around for that many hours. i'm dreading this induction already. i am praying that i go into spontaneous labor. ill be trying to walk this little lady out in the meantime. and if i do make it to the induction, im praying that i have the fastest delivery ever, just to prove her wrong.

the other thing she said that pissed me off. she was asking me about my sugars and whatever, and told me to watch for if i can't keep my sugar levels up at all, as that would signal that my placenta was failing. i get that i'm the best expert on my own diabetes, and that i am an active participant in my own care, and trust me if i notice a drastic change ill make her aware of whats going on. i felt like she put it on me to tell her if my placenta was failing. "you need to let me know if this happens, bc then we need to get baby out earlier". no shit lady. aren't i in for sonograms twice a week where they monitor the blood flow to my placenta, and my baby, etc? wouldnt the techs and the doctors that review everything be able to detect a problem if there was one? isn't that their job AND the reason i'm there??? she made me second guess myself so badly. yes my insulin needs have decreased, but from the books i've read on type 1 moms and their pregnancies, thats normal at this stage in the game. i googled some stuff to calm my nerves. i'll be back in there on monday. shut up lady, stop making me feel more neurotic than i already am.

um.. good things..
so i'm done with work, until late feb or the first week of march (thats what i told my clients and expect to stick to) so thats nice. i feel relieved about being done and am praying that the admin ppl dont bother me about anything stupid while im out.
i will get to spend evenings with lovedove for the coming weeks, something we miss out on due to working opposite schedules mon-thurs.
very soon, our new baby will be here and we'll have some new joy to smile about. i'm praying so hard that she's happy and healthy when she arrives, and of course i hope she arrives without any major complicatoins, AND doesn't have to spend too much time in the nicu. i know its a lot to ask, but im just hoping.....
we dont have anything on the calendar for this weekend so maybe we'll be able to do something fun to take our minds off of all the serious stuff going on.
sofia seems to have had another vocab explosion. she's been talking up a storm, even more than usual, and some of the things she says are completely hysterical. ie - "momma, i see your goolie (our word for butt) pull your (pajama) pants up". i occasionally struggle with plumber's crack when it comes to pjs.
finally, sofia has been having  a half tantrum about cleaning up several of the toy messes she made this morning and just finished cleaning it ALL up. im so proud of her. thank you little one.

so that's all. im thankful to have this space to vent in. i dont think anyone in my real life could handle all of this complaining, but lovedove somehow does. i'm so blessed to be her wife.

happy weekend everyone.

"remember the moment"

one of my grandma's favorite things to say to us when we were little. specifically when it was snowing outside, and we had just come in from playing, so we were like little icicles. she would take us in to the tiny boiler room where the washer and dryer are, so clearly it was always warm in that little room, and change us from our cold and wet snow clothes into warm comfy inside clothes. as she got us all warmed up, she'd always say "remember the moment". she also said this at several other times, but that memory is the most prominent.

she called me yesterday to see how i was feeling because she heard about my swollen ankles, a new development, and though she was reassuring and encouraging that i was almost done being pregnant, i couldn't help but hear her words from when we were little. i feel like i've been pushing so far and so fast to the end of this pregnancy journey throughout it's entirety. now that my days are numbered, and i'm more than ready to meet this baby, i'm trying to remind myself to just be present and make memories about how it feels to be pregnant. i know i'll miss her movements once she's born. i know i'll probably miss the hiccups that i've grown tired of. i think what i'll miss most are her morning movements. they always reassure me that things have been fine overnight and she's still growing big and strong until she makes her debut. on that same note, i feel like every morning when i wake up i think "::sigh:: i'm STILL pregnant", its a thankful sigh, but also a lets-get-this-show-on-the-road-already sigh.

its also very weird to know how far along i am, and to know that she technically could come today, or any day in the next 2 weeks. going to talk about induction timing tomorrow when i see my doctor. though we all know i don't really want to be induced, if they are going to induce me anyway i would rather have it be on my preferred timing. the nurse that deals with diabetic moms is typically only in from mon-fri and i'd like her to be available to be around while im in labor, so i might ask if my dr will schedule the induction for next thurs or fri. who knows, im not sure what my doctor will think about that, especially since the nurse told me (when she called to check in with me on monday) that my doctor had spoken to her about the 14th or 15th. what would be the big deal with 5 days earlier? if my dr says ok to the 10/11th that would be awesome, if she says yes pending an amnio, i might just wait. totally not sure what this will wind up being, no one can be, its just odd to have so much information bc i'm monitored so closely and everything still seems to be up in the air.

just like the jealousy i experienced when other women were getting pregnant and i was not, i've been experiencing the same thing with friends having their babies. a friend who's due date was about a week before mine had her baby last week, and i felt like i had lost a race. what race? totally a dumb thought, but i feel so ready for this little angel and a new reason to smile. its been so hard around here lately. sofia has been dealing pretty well, but there is no doubt she's feeling the tension, lack of a schedule, and anxiety. she's been our main source of smiles lately, but its also easy to be short tempered with her at times like this.

working on my level of patience with her, everyone, everything. trying to just be... and hold onto the last few moments of the we-only-have-one-(human)kid chapter of our lives.