our next chapter

house hunting.

we have a limited budget. we only have 1.5 incomes, but we have a large down payment. we are the opposite of the typical homebuyer. i dont think our wish list is that large, you be the judge. 3 bedrooms, at least 1.5 baths, a basement, somewhere to park the car, workable kitchen with some space, in our budget close(ish) to where we are now. we know that certain parts of this neighborhood are typically out of our budget. we know that anything we can actually afford is going to need some work. fine. we'd love to move asap, but clearly we are going to wait for the right one to come along, since it will be the biggest purchase of our lives.

here are the three houses we've seen in person so far.

house #1. the too small ranch house. 2br ranch with a basement being used as a master. had some backyard space which was really nice. only one bathroom which was upstairs. small kitchen even though it was nicely updated, definitely not enough room for our larger gatherings. felt small, felt like an apt to me. i want our house to be and feel like a house. one of the key reasons why we looked at it was for the yard space and the zoned school, which is the best in the neighborhood. it was also listed out of our budget. we knew it wasnt the one for us. good to get into a house in person and look at it, we really needed to get the first one out of the way.

house #2. the quirky house. a legal two family house with lots of old charm. priced very attractively (aka needed a lot of work). nice part of the neighborhood from the online pics you could tell that it was super old and needed a lot of work. we walked into it for the open house, and we were concerned that it was going to fall down with us in it.

house #3. the crazy clutter house. it was listed way out of our price range, but our realtor felt like the owners might be negotiable since they had listed the house for at least 10 months total in the last year. from the outside pictures this looked like a house we could like. it had everything on our wish list. HOWEVER. we walked in there today. there was so much junk in this house, it was amazing. there were also loads of structural problems and water damage that were visible to even an untrained eye. there was also no oven in the kitchen. the selling realtor had no idea the last time the roof was done.  the house was dirty, like it felt dirty, and im not someone who gets easily grossed out by a little bit of "living" dirt/dust/etc. the basement was big, there was a 2 car garage, but not a lot of outside space. it was the first house that we walked into and liked the layout. it was a 3bd 2 bath colonial and it seems like the kind of house we want.

thats all we've gotten to on the house hunting front. we've been "actively looking" for almost a month. hoping the spring brings us some more options, and negotiable sellers. so far it has been funny and interesting. i wonder where this will take us.

1

here we are a year and a day later, after giving birth to our littlest munchkin laila. life is as good as it can be given the circumstances of our family's recent loss. we're looking forward to a new year with new hope and opportunity. her first official (i need to note her official birthday party because my mother has thrown her two different "parties" in the last week, with food, cake, and guests {not many but still}, one while she was watching the kids while we were out, and the other during lovedove's work hours. needless to say, we were irritated and we will not be nominating her for least invasive/abrasive grandmother of the year) birthday party is next weekend and we are looking forward to that very much. its going to be quite the bash, unlike our usual parties that we put together ourselves. neither of us have the drive or brain cells to take on a task that large at this moment in time.

im sure there are other things i could think about but my brain is a little frozen today, we have no heat or hot water. landlords called the plumber at 7:30 this morning, he was supposed to be here "asap, by 12 at the latest", and its now 2pm and no sign of him. guess my clients are meeting with a stinky therapist today! whatever, my landlords are shmos, there are 4 children in this building under the age of 4, 2 teenagers, 3 animals (dog, cat, bird) and 6 adults, you would think they would get on the guy about what "asap" actually means. whatever, at least its not single digit temperatures anymore. im thankful this is the first time in my life ive ever dealt with something like this. there are many worse things, hopefully its taken care of quickly.

anyway... here's a picture of the little one eating her first ring ding on her first birthday.

hope you are all well. happy new year everyone.

tis the season

to be jolly... um yea, usually. this holiday season is super strange to me. i'm not going to lie, i've been half dreading it. i feel so conflicted with my emotions its crazy. its even hard for me to figure out which emotion "weighs" more in my mind, our first christmas without my MiL or Laila's 1st Christmas. fuck, i'm not even sure its going to feel like christmas without being full of amazing food, wine, and family joy at my MiL's apartment, which doesn't exist to our family anymore because she isn't here with us. it feels like we spent 2/3 of every holiday season at her apartment every year for the last 15 years of my life. there was/is nothing like her house at the holidays. always decorated with home made decorations from years past, always holiday cookies that only get baked once a year, always amazing aromas from the kitchen, always peace- just sitting around with family, stuffing our faces, laughing, watching movies, doing a big puzzle, in our pjs, for days. her house at the holidays is the physical/emotional representation of the "warm wishes" im sending to everyone at christmas time. what the fuck do we do now? have stuff here, yea, but its just not the same. we dont have the extra space that she did (at least not right now), we dont have her holiday humor (a box full of pine needles that had fallen off of the tree decorated with gifts cut out of magazines because she didn't get around to gift shopping one year), we dont have her.

and it fucking blows and im angry and sad about it. laila and my MiL did not get to spend a single birthday together, like in person, together. when laila was born my MiL was not feeling great so she didn't get to meet her until we came home from the hospital. she was in the room, watched and helped to bring Sofia into this world. my MiL's birthday passed last weekend, clearly no together time there. not one christmas, not one new years. there are so many things that laila won't have with her its atrocious. im so sad for all the gramma times laila did/will miss out on, but i am ever so grateful that they had the time that they did together. there were many times when my MiL would just hold Laila for hours while she slept in her arms. many times that that laila was a little fussy pants and only a belly down nap on gramma's lap was the only solution. they shared a lot of smiles and hugs and kisses and im so thankful for that. im just so mad that she was taken from us. so mad and so devastated. and so mad. not to mention watching lovedove grieve in new ways on different days all the time. my. heart. is. broken.

sooooooo, how the hell do i get excited for christmas? laila's first no less. ugh, i just feel like we're half assing it, but truly the kids won't remember. well sofia might because she's some kind of remarkable remember-er, but whatever. we decorated over the last week, incorporated my MiL's decorations and ornaments into our home. the dog was weird the whole time because of the smells of my MiL's house. i talked to Disa about losing her when it happened, but who knows what she understood. i just dont want her to feel like we're keeping her from getting to her gramma. maybe gramma will visit her in her puppy dreams. ugh even the dog is grieving, god help us.

this upcoming week is a busy one. last night was the P!nk concert with lovedove. p!nk is fucking amazing and beautiful and wonderful and the show was unbelievable. the show was at the Barcl.ays center in brooklyn, which is almost in our backyard. not even 30 minutes door to door, made going to a sunday night concert that much easier. weds is my company holiday party, thurs is the rehearsal dinner for my friend's wedding, saturday is the wedding in ct (which i'm in - and i dont even know if i've mentioned that on here bc i never post anymore. long story short, im thrilled to be a bridesmaid, feel like i didn't fulfill my bridal party duties that well due to everything that was going on, and i don't love my dress - but it doesn't matter because i would have walked down the isle in a lobster costume if she asked me to). since the wedding is in ct, we are staying in a hotel, the kids are going to be with my parents. we were thrilled and planning on checking out late, taking our time coming home and retrieving our kids, until we found out that sofia's first little dance recital is the next morning at 11:30am. god help me. the things we do for our kids. except my mom. i asked her to come and sleep here so that i dont have to pack up the two kids stuff, plus the dog stuff, plus recital stuff. no, she has to have the sleepover at her house. i begged her, twice, to just come here to make it easier..... nope. im thankful that shes watching the kids, yes, but my children are wonderful kids and generally not too challenging for any babysitter so im pretty sure that we could have found alternative caregivers. whatever, she'll learn when i start giving away opportunties to watch my kids to other people who are willing to work with me to make things as simple as possible for everyone involved.

anyway this is not a very festive post but i guess i needed to rant a bit. i hope we can make this christmas a happy one for the kids, and im sure it will be good enough for them. im just not sure what it will be like for us, the grown ups. on top of all of that im scared of getting christmas presents from others for the kids. our apt is busting at the seams since we took in a lot of my MiL's stuff and we haven't been able to get rid of baby toys yet bc laila is just starting to play with the large in size items (baby stroller/activity table/etc). lovedove inherited some money from her mom, we're going to try to buy a house in the neighborhood, so we might have some more room in the near future but that doesn't mean i want to fill up any and all new space. i cant wait until we can throw some stuff out.

anyway heres some stuff about the kids and then ill end this, apparently i was in need of some venting...
sofia.. now 3yrs3months old, loves making up little songs, dancing, being the boss and telling people what to do, making little jokes ("hey.. who turned out the lights??" every time i put a shirt over her head to un/dress her - that joke gets old reallllly fast), loves cooking with mommies, loves telling people what is going on or what happened just before they arrived or what the plan for what's next is. she loves "laila baby" and playing with her. oh and her attitude is a little crazy sometimes. sometimes you ask her why she did something and she will just shrug her shoulders. or test the boundaries like crazy, holy moly she gets me mad sometimes.
laila... now 11 months old loves smiling, "dancing", and snuggling. she loves musical (baby/toy) instruments, eating, and also trying to be the boss. her favorite thing to do is crawl over to the dog's bowl and try to get her hands in the food or water. i tell her no, she stops, gets herself into a sitting position, shakes her head "no", and then proceeds to the bowls. i get up, move her back to the living room carpet, and the process begins again and again. she cries, yells, and sometimes lays herself down on the floor to throw a pathetic angry tantrum at the end of 5 or 6 trips to the food/water bowls. yup, she's me in mini form.

all in all i love our family and i miss my second mom. i hope that we can carry on her traditions and feel her with us in the holiday season. we got through thanksgiving, better than expected in my opinion, maybe things won't be as bad as im fearing. but maybe they will.

here i am

well its been months since i've blogged. a lot has happened. we lost my MiL mid September, clearly atrocious but it was clear that she was suffering. the month that followed was so busy its unreal. after she died, we took her ashes to california to be spread where she wanted. we had the most amazing drive up highway one, and the highlight of the long drive was the amazing and perfect sunset we were able to see. our timing was perfect as we were on one of the straighter parts that doesn't require crazy attention to every second of driving, im certain she had a hand in that. we had her memorial. we spent nine days with her (side of) the family. i expected to do a lot more crying than we did. i think we were all doing our best to try to hold it in, and i think we still kind of are.

lovedove and her sister were faced with the task of clearing out her apartment and sorting through her belongings. lovedove found a way to incorporate many of her things into our home, it really has been amazing to see. the process was grueling for lovedove and her sister, and for the rest of us too, but to a much lesser degree. we had a yard sale that was mostly successful and the rest of the household items leftover are going to be donated. my SiL only left to go back to Portland, OR last sunday. wait, nope. this sunday. she's been back in portland for less than a week. wow thats crazy, it feels like so much longer.

lovedove and i had a bachelorette party to attend last weekend, 80s themed, which was amazing and a good reason to go out, drink a ton, and try to celebrate. its so weird to be living life and loving the moment, and then you remember that your heart, or a certain piece of your heart is still broken. yesterday's halloween festivities were fun, until the thought of gramma not seeing her grandbabies in their costumes comes into play. it was the first holiday without her and it felt rough, but thanksgiving is going to be hell. we'll find a way to make it through it, especially since we host, but my God. the thought of doing Thanksgiving without her... and as the first real eating-home-cooked-food holiday?? really life? really timing? ugh. every year she has been the captain of our thanksgiving voyage. she's the seasoned pro and lovedove is her first mate, and i guess im the first mate's sous chef... or something like that. overwhelmed isnt even the tip of the iceberg. whatever it will be fine, whatever it is it is.

on a happier note the girls are good. laila is fighting a little cold and diaper fungus, just a bad diaper rash that needs a prescription cream to clear up, but on the upside she started "dancing" this week. she rocks and bounces up and down when music is on and claps her hands. she's a super smiley baby and tons of fun. sofia is doing great in school, she loves it, and she loves her little friends. she's also back in dancing school and loves that too. her acting out has calmed down, but now she's just developing a little attitude. some days i'll ask her to do something simple, like go to the potty before she lays down for rest time, and im greeted with the response "NEVER!!". don't ask me where she gets it from. jayk.e and the nev.erland pira.tes maybe?? the funnies thing is that lately she will drop and F bomb here or there. purely imitation of language she sometimes hears in the apt or in the car. the other day we are stopped at a red light and she calls out from her car seat in the back "fuckin' go!" to the cars ahead of us. i explain its not nice to use that word and ask her not to use it again. she's generally pretty good about it. im actually surprised how many adult words she has not copied, compared to how many she hears and how smart she is. we've really begun curbing the language now. i dont want our little sailor to grow up to be a 5 year old sailor, that wouldn't be good.

im working on weaning laila. i stopped pumping when my MiL died bc i just couldn't anymore. i started to become less against formula (when i was breastfeeding exclusively i felt like it was like my enemy, just waiting to replace me, or something like that) and im ok with her having bottles when im not around. now i have to force myself to become ok with her having bottles when i am around. i really need to bc my friend's wedding is in 6 weeks and i have to be done by then, according to me. if i didn't have this wedding i might have breastfed her for her whole first year, bc i really love the bond it facilitates for us. but im also tired of being on call. its a mixed bag, like everything else. hopefully i dont lose my shit emotionally when i stop completely. i probably will, whatever.

anyway, life is as good as it can be right after your MiL dies. we are all doing ok, whatever that means. i dreamt of my MiL the other night and it was truly a wonderful thing. i was with sofia walking through some grassy area, when i noticed that sofia wasn't right next to me or right behind me. so i call her name a few times but she doesn't come running to catch up to me. i turn around to see where she is, and i see her laying in the grass a little ways back, with Gramma. i begin to walk towards them and Gramma stands up, says something to me bc i remember hearing her voice (probably her usual "hey ame") and gives me a big long hug. i tell her how good it is to hear her voice and hold her. and thats it. laila probably woke me up out of that dream but i was so happy that i had it, and so happy that i remembered it. i'm sure i'll remember it forever but i hope to see her again. its times like this that i wish i could return to my days where i was obsessed with lucid dreaming, even though i was completely unsuccessful in all of my attempts. i wish there was something anything i could do to get her back here with us, even if it was just once in a while. i miss her so badly, and i know im going to miss her more and more as the days go by and the girls grow.

they say when one door closes another door opens. im hoping for lots of open doors bc it totally sucks that that door closed. rest in peace CathyMom.

my heart is so heavy

first, a thank you for the liebster nod, though my mind is not in a place of blogging recently. when my mind starts being my own again, ill jump on all of that good-ness.

Sofia and Laila are well, thank God, each of them growing/thriving/being more amazing every day.

our family is continuing to struggle through my MiL's battle with stage 4 small cell lung cancer. this week, on sofia's 3rd birthday, my MiL's doctors informed us all that they believe that the cancer is no longer responding to the treatments. she has been in extreme pain (even more extreme than her standard level of constant pain) in recent weeks, and continuing treatment has not been an option due to her lack of strength and constant discomfort. after reviewing the mri results from a scan late last week, there appears to be some new lesions on her bones, which clearly is not good. her doctors did not provide a prognosis, but when lovedove's father asked for an estimate of how much time they believe she has left, her doctor responded by saying that he believes we will lose her in the coming weeks, not more than a month. we are all kind of numb to this new information but i think we all knew it was coming. it is so painful to see her suffering. im clearly not looking forward to whatever comes next, but she needs her pain to end. id like to say that i wouldn't wish this type of suffering on my worst enemy, but i think i would. i am so angry. she is the kindest person with the purest heart, and this could not have been meant for her. there must have been some kind of mistake. i could go on for days about this, and im sure i will probably use this blog to grieve at some point, my brain is just mush currently. She should not be the person who's failing health requires me to start to teach my children about death. i'm not sure what effect losing her will have on our family. everything is so uncertain, except for one thing, and no one likes what is for certain.

ugh. needless to say sofia's birthday was a day that encompassed all emotions. it certainly was not the happiest birthday she'll ever have. i know she feels all of this, and all of the sadness and fear and anger, i hope she will forget it. she's been acting out a ton, which is to be expected i guess, but thats difficult to witness and handle. as much as i want her to forget this time, i want her to retain the memories she has made with her gramma. there have been so many wonderful times and for that i am grateful. we have plenty of pictures and videos, but i truly wish that she would be able to remember her gramma's heart, embrace, amazingly tasty cooking, and tiny crafty projects that they would do together. ugh my heart is just breaking.

not sure when i will write again. putting my uneventful happy healthy pregnancy energy out there for everyone trying and expecting.

6 months

life just gets in the way of blogging sometimes, you all know what i mean. life is just moving fast these days and baby laila is growing and changing just as fast. my MiL is still doing well, she battles through bad pain days, and makes the best of her regular days, though they are sadly still filled with discomfort. she's been spending lots of time with us and even came out to one of my softball games last week and i was so happy to have her there. we are heading to our NJ vacation with my parents, my sister and her bf, and lovedove's parents are planning on joining us for a couple of days as well. im hoping that all goes well, fingers crossed.

i think that other contributing factors to my non-blogging have been other people's life events, and my inability to cope with them, even from very distanced standpoints. my heart, love, and suppport go out to lex/aimee who was recently diagnosed with advanced stage cancer. we traveled our roads to pregnancy and became pregnant just a few days apart, i can barely wrap my mind around how different our roads have become just 6 months after our daughters were born. there isnt much i can do for my fellow blogger, but i feel that i can help to spread the outreach efforts to her and her family, and send good energy and prayers. so if anyone is in a position to make a financial contribution, her family has set up a donation page here. she has been strong through many of life's challenges, and i know she'll be strong through this as well. 

the other situation that is not mine that i am thinking about constantly, is the situation of a friend's best friend. she also traveled a long road to pregnancy, but happily gave birth to a healthy baby boy just about 3 months ago. two weeks ago, he stopped eating and went into the hospital to receive fluids to avoid dehydration. since being admitted, his condition has worsened and he has been in the icu for over a week. he is receiving tremendous amounts of medical assistance to get through this and is still not doing that great. the doctors have not been able to provide his mother+father with any concrete answers as to whats going on. there have been some positive points eeg and emg coming back clear, but they are waiting on results of many blood and genetic tests. i have no idea how they are getting through these scary days, my heart is breaking for them with every hour that passes.

i look at laila and i pretty much burst into tears at least once daily with these two moms' stories in my mind. no mom should be subjected to what they are going through, life is just not fair. so, when i have these moments of looking at my life and feeling like im already the luckiest mom in the world, i can barely think of anything that even seems worth blogging about in comparison to these crazy life situations these strong women are getting through. i.just.want.these.situations.to.get.better. ugh i feel like ive been shaking my head more recently than at any past point in my life. 

on a positive note, lovedove turned 30, and we went away for a night. we had a lovely 24 hour trip complete with an amazing meal, great drinks, and a waterfront dining experience. we also had lovely couple time and lovely SLEEP. one of our best friends watched all three of our little ladies at our place (disa included) which helped us to really be able to relax. it was amazing.

a few days later i threw lovedove's 30th in our concrete backyard. i barbecued in the rain for almost 4 hours because we were banking on the weather not actually getting that bad. it was fine, we all drank a bunch and had a great time despite the weather. i drank more than i thought, i was not making my drinks a friend was, but i was ok. i feel a little embarrassed after the fact bc at one point i was the drunk crier at the party, i HATE a drunk crier, but i was crying bc i was trying to make sure that things were going smoothly and i just got overwhelmed, so my tears came from a "good"/selfless-ish place. i put myself to bed before the party was officially over, but only our closest friends were left, and they've seen me in much worse shape.

now its one week of work and then family vacation, and when we get back its just a few weeks until my SiL comes in for a visit. once she's gone the summer is almost over and it is simply amazing every summer how fast the time goes. sofia will be 3 (sept) before we know it, then its halloween, christmas, new years, and then laila turns 1. i hope with every fiber of my being that things are better then, than they are now. i'll just keep praying. life is so crazy.

almost 5 months

little miss laila is doing great, rolled over (belly to back) a few times, and lost a bunch of hair. she now has a funny faux hawk. she's a little bruiser this kid, she's nice and solid. she loves to stand, grab things with her hands (like her feet) and put them in her mouth (not her feet), play in her exersaucer, smile, and drool. her hands are in her in her mouth a lot lately and im afraid that teeth are on their way shortly. i plan to breastfeed until thanksgiving, but im really afraid of breastfeeding a child with teeth. i'm sure i'll do it, but im definitely scared about it. she'll be 5 months old in 2 days. TIME. FLIES.

she's eating baby food now and loving it. so far sweet potatoes seem to be her favorite, no surprise there coming from this momma. she also really enjoys sweet peas. anyone see a pattern here? she didn't love bananas, which is fine by me, bc they really constipated sofia when she was little, so if we didnt balance her banana intake with prunes, she got pretty uncomfortable sometimes. anyway, laila eats really well, and a lot, which i think is awesome. speaking of 'awesome', its one of sofia's new favorite words. we're making most of the food she eats, so we'll make a decent sized batch and feed her that till its gone. we also just bought this bc we have a this cuisin.art and its the loudest fucking thing in the world. so loud that it scares the children. so loud that lovedove has to hold her ears when she uses it. so loud that we don't want to use it. so we bought a new one. it arrived today, im excited to use it.

sidenote, sofia is currently engaging in nap wars with me. i think part of the issue is that her "winding down" time is difficult for me to handle. when she does bed time with mommy monday through thursday while im at work, she typically gets up a few times to use the restroom, and comes out of her room a few times with lame excuses like getting a tissue, giving one or two more hugs and kisses, asking some random question, grabbing one more toy to take to bed with her bc shes a bedtime hoarder. thats their thing. lovedove is fine with it, the routine works for them. i on the other hand am far more confrontational and asinine about it. i have no patience for the stalling tactics. i said its nap/bed time, so stay the f in your bed. got it you little almost 3 year old? i get really frustrated because she is clearly tired and needs sleep on some days to function. today im not letting her out of her room again until she sleeps. she was up at 5:45am and definitely needs a nap. i'll allow one trip to the potty and thats it. i've implemented the "im not talking to you" strategy and i dont answer her yelled questions or requests. we'll see who wins this battle today. i really hope its me.

on a happier note, sofia is now able to put together a 24 piece puzzle all by herself. we the easter bunny got her a do.cmc.stuf.fins puzzle, and we've done it a lot together, so much so that she can now do it herself. she accomplished this for the first time over the weekend. a few hours later she accomplished something else big, drawing on her walls with a crayon. i hope that was the first and last time, cleaning that was tedious and annoying. we tried to make her do the clean up but she couldn't push hard enough with the mr cl.ean mag.ic eras.er. that thing works miracles i swear.

laila's adoption date is set for the 19th, happy and excited to have this process be over so much faster than it was the first time around. our experience with a different lawyer for sofia's adoption briefly chronicled here. we recently met up with another lesbian couple who just had their first baby through our adoption social worker, and im hoping that their adoption is scheduled for the same day. we'll see. i have to email her.

im completely intrigued by baby boogers. their snot is just incredible. i feel like its the stickiest but also the slimiest sometmies. the biggest boogers come out of the smallest little nose. im amused by them, always.

my basketball season is almost over, if we win this saturday we've got one more week, if we lose we're done. its been so good to be back on the court. this was definitely not my strongest season by any means but i've loved it more than ever. i love being in the recreational division, no one wants to rip anyone's heads off, and the ladies i play with are actually friendly. i definitely made the right move for myself and im looking forward to coming seasons. i seriously need to do some practicing over the summer though. i haven't played a post position since high school, and i went like 5% from the free throw line this season. SAD.

first game of softball was last night and i played great, if i do say so myself. 3 for 4 with 2 RBIs and one nice catch in the outfield. i coached first base for my team a bunch of the time and i had fun doing that too. i was pleasantly surprised by my post pregnancy debut and cant wait to get on the field again. oh, plus, we won! surprise, we're very used to losing on that team, but we got some new youngins that look pretty good. i love softball.

hope all is well with everyone, keep feeling good shanna!