well, we made it to december. today is cd 6, and i began my 5 days of clomid yesterday. ive really been working on letting go of any notion that i have any control in this situation. im just trying to convince my brain, that when our next baby is ready to come to us, then thats when we'll be successful. its just so hard because everything we're doing would usually imply otherwise. we opted to go the doctor route because they do this everyday, so that makes you think you'll be luckier faster, but no matter how well everything goes, there is still the element of luck. they can monitor my bloods and give me as many sonograms as they like, but none of that will change the fact that my luck/or lack there-of will be the deciding factor in how long this process takes.
part of me feels really dumb ranting about how "long" this is taking, bc clearly i've only had one actual attempt at this, but this is something ive been planning, and actively preparing for, since last april. i was finally approved for the cgm and received that in april. my a1c has plummeted since then. I believe when i got the cgm my a1c was 7.1 or 7.2, but clearly i wasnt being that strict with myself at that point. and at first it seemed like such a big deal to be on top of my numbers all the time and work on timing my insulin, but its really not that hard. which is always what everyone says. when you first start its such a chore, but once you're in the habit, you dont even really think about it anymore. so im glad im at that point now. although, (here comes my one rant not related to pre-/pregnancy) i currently use the omnipod insulin pump. the pdm (handheld remote kind of thing) has a freestyle meter integrated into it. freestyle has been working closely with omnipod to develop a new testing strip, and they have, but it has not been fda approved (the strip story). despite the fact that it was not fda approved they started distributing it, and people started using it. myself included. no issues with it, it works just fine if not better than the old strip. ive been using it for, oh id say 3-4 months. all of a sudden its a big deal that it has not been fda approved. so my medical providers were unable to ship my normal supply. the solution: send me a new non integrated meter. fine. im thankful that i have great insurance and my health is taken care of and they make sure i have everything that i need. but now im carrying 3 devices. its a little excessive. im hoping that they get their clearance soon so that i can go back to my normal 2 devices. its just so much to carry with me everywhere i go, and although i do have a little make-up case kind of thing that i've used to organize all of my on-the-go supplies, its still huge. whatever, ive never been a little bag kind of person. its no big deal, just something that took me by surprise. can you imagine how many people used to rely on a freestyle meter and now have to learn something new? i mean, hey, no big deal for the youngins, but the geriatrics, oh boy, they're not going to be happy.
oh, back to pre-preggers ish. so my wife and i have totally noticed how much my mood is affected as soon as i start back in the monitoring process. after some thought, i've realized that i have been looking at our pregnancy situations much too individually. when she got pregnant, we got pregnant. even though it was her body it was our baby. and thats how i need to look at this. because apparently ive been putting up a wall, so much so that its almost visible, because i have so much anger about my medical complications. im hardly even mad about my diabetes, its the cyst stuff, the blocked tube, etc. i know that so many women have it so much tougher, and who knows, i could have it that bad too and we just dont know it yet, but im kind of mad about it. we just have so many obtacles in general. but i totally take my anger out on her and its so apparent that even i can see it now. so im working on that. im working on accepting things are what they are, and managing my anger about my fertility hurdles.
ok, lastly the best news ive gotten in a while. my adoption of our daughter is almost complete after a nearly 2 year process. we got a recommendation for a lawyer from a friend, and decided to use her due to the referral and her prices were a bit more moderate than others we'd known of. long story short, she was not the most professional and did a very poor job with the timing of everything (clearly the process should not take 2 years from start to finish. we had contacted her in feb of 2010 when my wife was only a few months along). shes lucky i didnt have her address, i swear i would have gone to her home and stalked her. she made me furious the whole time. however, we're almost at the end. she emailed yesterday to say that our court date is on monday, dec 12. of course that will be cd 12 and all three of us are required to attend. which means if we're able to do an insemination this month, ill be flying solo. already asked my mom to accompany me to the visit, and to watch the baby (in the waiting area) while it all happens but it will definitely be difficult. but we really have no choice. its just the way her job is. so im trying to just prep myself for that. ill bring pictures and my ipod and get myself in good mood. i know what will be will be and this is just the way it works out this month. no one ever said that this process would be easy or convenient, right?
anyway, i feel better after getting all of this out. and sofia's lullabies and my typing has lulled her off into nappy-land. now if only i can get the dishes done while she's asleep....
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