i currently live at the corner of irritability and irritability

i am such a moody cranky bitch lately i can barely stand myself, so prepare yourself for a ranty bitchy post.

yes there are a lot of things going on, yes i'm super pregnant, but this is so not me. i feel like im in such a weird funk. little things set me off for hours, not that im hostile for hours, but grumpy for a long long time. i guess i'll try to identify why with a few minor updates.

work crap - monday i had gotten a semi nasty voicemail from one of the admin people at my job about a session note that she claimed wasn't written (i always write my notes for sessions with clients, or else i dont get paid - at all. i dont make a dime for the paperwork i complete. if my clients dont show up for session, i make $0)  but she said they would pay me (payday was tuesday) for the session because my client had signed in on the sign in sheet, so clearly he was there for our appointment. i looked into it when i went in on wednesday, and sure enough the note was there in the file, however, my mistake was that i had forgotten to change the date at the top of my note (so it seemed like there were 2 notes for 12/10, instead of one for 12/10 and one for 12/17), and had only listed the correct date (17th) on the bottom, next to my signature. but for me, it felt like a slap in the face that this woman had the nerve to call me and leave me a nasty message. i felt like it implied that 1- i didn't do my job well (for that day, and i've been there for over 2 years) and 2- she was going to be doing me a favor by paying me for work that i didn't have proof i had done. it just feels sometimes like no one at my job has any idea of how to use rational deduction strategies to figure out when something is off. like, couldn't she just look one page back and say "hey, thats weird, there isnt a note for the 17th, but there are 2 for the 10th, that seems odd, let me actually READ the notes and look at the dates and figure out what happened?". morons. and seriously, im 9 months pregnant. do me a favor and think for a second and dont crucify me for not changing one date on one note. fuckers.

MiL stuff - she's starting treatment w chemo today but she has been in pain over the past few days, which im thankful i havent been around to witness due to work and my own dr appts, but clearly i dont want her to be in pain. it has been so hard on lovedove, her sister, and father. they are all doing their best to just put on a brave face and provide her with the support that she needs, but its been a long week and a half since xmas. it seems we just keep getting discouraging news, we're all just waiting on a little bit of good news, it has to come eventually right? maybe she'll respond really well to the chemo. ug. chemo. smh.

dr stuff - so i had my appt yesterday with my ob, who as i've said many times before, i usually love. yesterday i didn't love her. i know that i was tired from sitting around and waiting, (i had just sat for an hour waiting for my sono, then another 20 minutes before the non stress test, then 25 mins on the non stress test, then walked across the hall to wait for 20 minutes for her appt), but she seemed tired too. she did the heartbeat check with the mini doppler and asked about if i was feeling good movement from baby, my blood sugars, etc. then i asked if we could talk about induction dates, bc im so much of a planner. she said fine and we walked into her office. we chatted for a minute and she again, stuck to her 39 week guns and said the 13th. i asked if we could do it a few days earlier, she returned that with the idea of an amnio to check lung maturity which i dont want, so i gave in to the 13th. i mentioned how it might be nice to have the baby on the 14th, as it is the anniversary of my grandma's death and it might be nice to add a smile to that day. her response "oh honey, you won't have her on the 14th, this might take a while".

FIRST OF ALL, you so often say my favorite line (we plan and God laughs) so how the fuck do you know that this labor that you are going to start on the evening of the 13th, will progress so slowly, that i'll be strapped to a bed for at least 30 hours before i birth this child? SECOND - where is your judgement on how a statement like that will affect a very pregnant woman's emotional state? come on! i was ready to kill her. how do you know that my labor will take that long, and how dare you put it out there that you think it will take forever to have this baby. fuck, even if you're thinking it might take that long, you don't have to say it like that. i get that induction medications can take a while, but seriously.. you're suggesting that the inactive stage of my labor is going to last at least 24 hours? fucking shoot me. i dont have an iPad, i don't read books, what the fuck am i supposed to do for all of that time, strapped to a bed and monitors, waiting for medications to get my body to progress to active labor. i'm not someone who can just sit around for that many hours. i'm dreading this induction already. i am praying that i go into spontaneous labor. ill be trying to walk this little lady out in the meantime. and if i do make it to the induction, im praying that i have the fastest delivery ever, just to prove her wrong.

the other thing she said that pissed me off. she was asking me about my sugars and whatever, and told me to watch for if i can't keep my sugar levels up at all, as that would signal that my placenta was failing. i get that i'm the best expert on my own diabetes, and that i am an active participant in my own care, and trust me if i notice a drastic change ill make her aware of whats going on. i felt like she put it on me to tell her if my placenta was failing. "you need to let me know if this happens, bc then we need to get baby out earlier". no shit lady. aren't i in for sonograms twice a week where they monitor the blood flow to my placenta, and my baby, etc? wouldnt the techs and the doctors that review everything be able to detect a problem if there was one? isn't that their job AND the reason i'm there??? she made me second guess myself so badly. yes my insulin needs have decreased, but from the books i've read on type 1 moms and their pregnancies, thats normal at this stage in the game. i googled some stuff to calm my nerves. i'll be back in there on monday. shut up lady, stop making me feel more neurotic than i already am.

um.. good things..
so i'm done with work, until late feb or the first week of march (thats what i told my clients and expect to stick to) so thats nice. i feel relieved about being done and am praying that the admin ppl dont bother me about anything stupid while im out.
i will get to spend evenings with lovedove for the coming weeks, something we miss out on due to working opposite schedules mon-thurs.
very soon, our new baby will be here and we'll have some new joy to smile about. i'm praying so hard that she's happy and healthy when she arrives, and of course i hope she arrives without any major complicatoins, AND doesn't have to spend too much time in the nicu. i know its a lot to ask, but im just hoping.....
we dont have anything on the calendar for this weekend so maybe we'll be able to do something fun to take our minds off of all the serious stuff going on.
sofia seems to have had another vocab explosion. she's been talking up a storm, even more than usual, and some of the things she says are completely hysterical. ie - "momma, i see your goolie (our word for butt) pull your (pajama) pants up". i occasionally struggle with plumber's crack when it comes to pjs.
finally, sofia has been having  a half tantrum about cleaning up several of the toy messes she made this morning and just finished cleaning it ALL up. im so proud of her. thank you little one.

so that's all. im thankful to have this space to vent in. i dont think anyone in my real life could handle all of this complaining, but lovedove somehow does. i'm so blessed to be her wife.

happy weekend everyone.