16dpo

Well, here i am at 16 dpo, cd 30, the longest cycle ive ever had, and im not sure where we're at. I had a lot of what i think are false early prego symptoms, which i attributed to the clomid side effects. then on 13dpo i took a first response early pregancy test. i got a faint positive. and when i say faint, i mean faint. so instead of it being a BFP(big fat positive) like i was hoping for, for me it qualitifed as a TFP= tiny faint positive. so unsteadily i got my hopes a little up, hoping that all of the hcg from my ovidrel injection was out of my system and we were really on our way to success. patiently i waited until the next morning (14dpo) to test again. this time i used a cvs brand early pregancy test. again a TFP. in my head i thought, ok, 2 for 2 this is good. later that day i started to spot some, with mild cramping, and i thought, oh shit its over again. (warning: next sentence may contain tmi) well, i've been spotting for the last 2 days nothing bright red, mostly shades of brown, some pink. im well aware that this could be the start of my period. im also aware that im a day late because the clomid can extend the length of your cycle.

my brain has been running around in circles for days about whether i had a chemical pregnancy, categorized as a miscarriage within the first 5 weeks, often identified by faint positives on early pregnancy tests by women ttc, or if the hcg from the trigger shot is still in my system, or if i could actually be pregnant this time around. so i scheduled and went in for a blood test this morning. the rational side of my brain says, no of course not. you're period is just taking longer to actually start due to the clomid. and my heart is saying, just hold on to some hope, everyone's pregnancy is different, some women spot and cramp for weeks.

well, no more wondering. just got the call from my doctor's office. its a no go this cycle. as sad as i am im just glad to have an answer. again.

its just a really hard process for my wife and i. i mean clearly, of course it is.  and i really struggle when i get into my self pity mode when its an unsuccessful cycle. i know there are women who have it wayyyyy worse than i do, and im thankful that my situation isn't as bleak as some other women. but its just hard when i feel like my body is the problem. with the diabetes, and the thyroid condition, and the blocked tube, and the endometriosis. even though everything is well controlled its hard to feel like the problem isnt with me. i know this sperm can get people pregnant, thats how we got our little Sofia. we know these doctors have this down to a science. i just need some luck.

and ill keep waiting on my luck, and our baby, because i know until the right baby is ready for us, there will be no baby.

so guess who'll be drunk this new year... :o/

hoping that 2012 brings a load of health and happiness my way, and everyone else's way too.

see ya 2011, good riddance.

officially in the 2ww

yesterday morning i had my second iui and unfortunately, none of the family was available to accompany me to the insemination (i feel like there is a very fine line between going to something like that alone and feeling empowered/independent, and feeling lonely). i just took Sofia who managed to keep me quite busy and challenged through the 45 minute wait for the thaw, but when it came down to procedure time, she sat in her stroller like a champ, downed a bottle, and slowly but surely threw everything i had left on her lap to busy her to the floor. whatever. i was happy (but not surprised) that she was good , and i was pretty relaxed. between just laying still and trying not to think, and talking to her to keep her happy, i felt calm. that really really is my goal this time around. just stay calm. theres no point in getting all worked up until we know where we're at. and we wont know anything until 2 weeks from now. who created this system? there should definitely be a faster way to find out lol. without a doubt ill be busy, baking xmas cookies, wrapping all of the presents, putting together sofia's kitchen for xmas morning (!! we're so excited to be santa :oD), and running around town, but geez i feel like this is going to be a long one.

maybe ill try to crochet sofia a new winter hat. she already has a million of them, but a home-made one by momma would be sweet too no? my mother just bought her a hat crocheted specifically to fit her little head, that looks like a lamb. its really really cute. i should take a picture and get it on here. its really cute, and i wish that i had the drive + time to learn how to crochet that well and make a business out of it. maybe one day....

anyway, im off to do dishes as usual. crossing my fingers that the next two weeks goes by very quickly (although i dont want to rush through the xmas season, i friggin love xmas) and that i get the answer i want this time.

happy holidays to all!!

clomid and ovidrel and (iui)s, oh my!

well. today is technically cd 13, but other than that not sure what to call today. i had done my day 10 + 11 bloods and ultrasounds on sat and sunday, and they called early sunday afternoon (while i was tailgating at the Jets game)to tell me i should come in tomorrow morning for my first iui. usually i would be thrilled and just say "yes maam, what time should i be in" however, monday dec 12 was to be a more significant day. i officially finished the adoption of our daugther yesterday. now i am legally her mother absolutely everywhere we will ever go. im so relieved to have this process over with. but you can imagine my panic when they called me. im in the middle of drinking a beer, in a crowded parking lot, with music blaring and people yelling and playing football, and me standing as far as possible from everyone trying to figure out how this was going to work. i asked if i could come in later than the 730-800am window the woman gave me bc our court appearance was scheduled for 9am. she said " no dont worry, just do the ovidrel shot in the evening on the 12th, and come in on the 13th for your first iui". of course this wasnt good enough for me bc i was not familiar with the woman who i was speaking to. i called back and asked to speak with one of the PA's who had done my iui in october and who had done my 2 sonograms over the weekend. she is one of the sweetest, calmest, nicest people i have ever met and she put my worries to rest. so i agreed to the original plan. and with that i grabbed another beer lol.

so this morning, with my mother and my daughter in tow, we headed out to long island ivf. i had brought my mom to just watch the baby while i had my procedure done. i wanted the baby there, kind of for luck, but kind of as a way of having my wife there with me. she was unable to take the day off and i just needed a part of her there. so once the procedure was done and i was giving myself 5 minutes to relax i kind of did just that. i relaxed. i didnt feel sad that my wife wasnt there (although clearly i would prefer her to be there) and i didnt do much of anything. i didnt do much visualization. i did some deep breathing. i thought of how much i am in love with my family as it is right now, and how wonderful it would be to be able to bring another bundle of joy into our lives. and then, honestly, i just imagined myself lying on my back in the grass, in the park, in the middle of a brisk spring time afternoon (just as the light panels above suggested). i felt at peace. i was so much calmer this morning than i was in october. as devastating as a failure would be, im so much less scared of it this time because ive been through it already. sure it would suck, but at least we have more sperm. i've been really working on letting go of any false sense of control that i thought was possible to have in this situation and for now i feel peaceful, which is a huge surprise to me. but im happy to be feeling this way. and im hopeful. and tomorrow i get to go in for a 2nd iui because none of the follicles had burst yet. going back tomorrow will jst remind me of my wife's successful one and only iui attempt bc she was also inseminated twice, in december, just two years ago.

so on we go, on to an alcohol-free holiday season (hopefully, but if not ill know by new years whether or not im in the clear for "some" champagne).

ill keep my fingers crossed and a smile on my face and in my heart, and if its meant to be this time, then its meant to be. and if not, ill just keep on going with my family by my side.

who doesnt love a roller coaster ride once in a while?

the (2nd attempt at what we think is the) beginning of cycle 2

well, we made it to december. today is cd 6, and i began my 5 days of clomid yesterday. ive really been working on letting go of any notion that i have any control in this situation. im just trying to convince my brain, that when our next baby is ready to come to us, then thats when we'll be successful. its just so hard because everything we're doing would usually imply otherwise. we opted to go the doctor route because they do this everyday, so that makes you think you'll be luckier faster, but no matter how well everything goes, there is still the element of luck. they can monitor my bloods and give me as many sonograms as they like, but none of that will change the fact that my luck/or lack there-of will be the deciding factor in how long this process takes.

part of me feels really dumb ranting about how "long" this is taking, bc clearly i've only had one actual attempt at this, but this is something ive been planning, and actively preparing for, since last april. i was finally approved for the cgm and received that in april. my a1c has plummeted since then. I believe when i got the cgm my a1c was 7.1 or 7.2, but clearly i wasnt being that strict with myself at that point. and at first it seemed like such a big deal to be on top of my numbers all the time and work on timing my insulin, but its really not that hard. which is always what everyone says. when you first start its such a chore, but once you're in the habit, you dont even really think about it anymore. so im glad im at that point now. although, (here comes my one rant not related to pre-/pregnancy) i currently use the omnipod insulin pump. the pdm (handheld remote kind of thing) has a freestyle meter integrated into it. freestyle has been working closely with omnipod to develop a new testing strip, and they have, but it has not been fda approved (the strip story). despite the fact that it was not fda approved they started distributing it, and people started using it. myself included. no issues with it, it works just fine if not better than the old strip. ive been using it for, oh id say 3-4 months. all of a sudden its a big deal that it has not been fda approved. so my medical providers were unable to ship my normal supply. the solution: send me a new non integrated meter. fine. im thankful that i have great insurance and my health is taken care of and they make sure i have everything that i need. but now im carrying 3 devices. its a little excessive. im hoping that they get their clearance soon so that i can go back to my normal 2 devices. its just so much to carry with me everywhere i go, and although i do have a little make-up case kind of thing that i've used to organize all of my on-the-go supplies, its still huge. whatever, ive never been a little bag kind of person. its no big deal, just something that took me by surprise. can you imagine how many people used to rely on a freestyle meter and now have to learn something new? i mean, hey, no big deal for the youngins, but the geriatrics, oh boy, they're not going to be happy.

oh, back to pre-preggers ish. so my wife and i have totally noticed how much my mood is affected as soon as i start back in the monitoring process. after some thought, i've realized that i have been looking at our pregnancy situations much too individually. when she got pregnant, we got pregnant. even though it was her body it was our baby. and thats how i need to look at this. because apparently ive been putting up a wall, so much so that its almost visible, because i have so much anger about my medical complications. im hardly even mad about my diabetes, its the cyst stuff, the blocked tube, etc. i know that so many women have it so much tougher, and who knows, i could have it that bad too and we just dont know it yet, but im kind of mad about it. we just have so many obtacles in general. but i totally take my anger out on her and its so apparent that even i can see it now. so im working on that. im working on accepting things are what they are, and managing my anger about my fertility hurdles.

ok, lastly the best news ive gotten in a while. my adoption of our daughter is almost complete after a nearly 2 year process. we got a recommendation for a lawyer from a friend, and decided to use her due to the referral and her prices were a bit more moderate than others we'd known of. long story short, she was not the most professional and did a very poor job with the timing of everything (clearly the process should not take 2 years from start to finish. we had contacted her in feb of 2010 when my wife was only a few months along). shes lucky i didnt have her address, i swear i would have gone to her home and stalked her. she made me furious the whole time. however, we're almost at the end. she emailed yesterday to say that our court date is on monday, dec 12. of course that will be cd 12 and all three of us are required to attend. which means if we're able to do an insemination this month, ill be flying solo. already asked my mom to accompany me to the visit, and to watch the baby (in the waiting area) while it all happens but it will definitely be difficult. but we really have no choice. its just the way her job is. so im trying to just prep myself for that. ill bring pictures and my ipod and get myself in good mood. i know what will be will be and this is just the way it works out this month. no one ever said that this process would be easy or convenient, right?

anyway, i feel better after getting all of this out. and sofia's lullabies and my typing has lulled her off into nappy-land. now if only i can get the dishes done while she's asleep....