16dpo

Well, here i am at 16 dpo, cd 30, the longest cycle ive ever had, and im not sure where we're at. I had a lot of what i think are false early prego symptoms, which i attributed to the clomid side effects. then on 13dpo i took a first response early pregancy test. i got a faint positive. and when i say faint, i mean faint. so instead of it being a BFP(big fat positive) like i was hoping for, for me it qualitifed as a TFP= tiny faint positive. so unsteadily i got my hopes a little up, hoping that all of the hcg from my ovidrel injection was out of my system and we were really on our way to success. patiently i waited until the next morning (14dpo) to test again. this time i used a cvs brand early pregancy test. again a TFP. in my head i thought, ok, 2 for 2 this is good. later that day i started to spot some, with mild cramping, and i thought, oh shit its over again. (warning: next sentence may contain tmi) well, i've been spotting for the last 2 days nothing bright red, mostly shades of brown, some pink. im well aware that this could be the start of my period. im also aware that im a day late because the clomid can extend the length of your cycle.

my brain has been running around in circles for days about whether i had a chemical pregnancy, categorized as a miscarriage within the first 5 weeks, often identified by faint positives on early pregnancy tests by women ttc, or if the hcg from the trigger shot is still in my system, or if i could actually be pregnant this time around. so i scheduled and went in for a blood test this morning. the rational side of my brain says, no of course not. you're period is just taking longer to actually start due to the clomid. and my heart is saying, just hold on to some hope, everyone's pregnancy is different, some women spot and cramp for weeks.

well, no more wondering. just got the call from my doctor's office. its a no go this cycle. as sad as i am im just glad to have an answer. again.

its just a really hard process for my wife and i. i mean clearly, of course it is.  and i really struggle when i get into my self pity mode when its an unsuccessful cycle. i know there are women who have it wayyyyy worse than i do, and im thankful that my situation isn't as bleak as some other women. but its just hard when i feel like my body is the problem. with the diabetes, and the thyroid condition, and the blocked tube, and the endometriosis. even though everything is well controlled its hard to feel like the problem isnt with me. i know this sperm can get people pregnant, thats how we got our little Sofia. we know these doctors have this down to a science. i just need some luck.

and ill keep waiting on my luck, and our baby, because i know until the right baby is ready for us, there will be no baby.

so guess who'll be drunk this new year... :o/

hoping that 2012 brings a load of health and happiness my way, and everyone else's way too.

see ya 2011, good riddance.