well. today is technically cd 13, but other than that not sure what to call today. i had done my day 10 + 11 bloods and ultrasounds on sat and sunday, and they called early sunday afternoon (while i was tailgating at the Jets game)to tell me i should come in tomorrow morning for my first iui. usually i would be thrilled and just say "yes maam, what time should i be in" however, monday dec 12 was to be a more significant day. i officially finished the adoption of our daugther yesterday. now i am legally her mother absolutely everywhere we will ever go. im so relieved to have this process over with. but you can imagine my panic when they called me. im in the middle of drinking a beer, in a crowded parking lot, with music blaring and people yelling and playing football, and me standing as far as possible from everyone trying to figure out how this was going to work. i asked if i could come in later than the 730-800am window the woman gave me bc our court appearance was scheduled for 9am. she said " no dont worry, just do the ovidrel shot in the evening on the 12th, and come in on the 13th for your first iui". of course this wasnt good enough for me bc i was not familiar with the woman who i was speaking to. i called back and asked to speak with one of the PA's who had done my iui in october and who had done my 2 sonograms over the weekend. she is one of the sweetest, calmest, nicest people i have ever met and she put my worries to rest. so i agreed to the original plan. and with that i grabbed another beer lol.
so this morning, with my mother and my daughter in tow, we headed out to long island ivf. i had brought my mom to just watch the baby while i had my procedure done. i wanted the baby there, kind of for luck, but kind of as a way of having my wife there with me. she was unable to take the day off and i just needed a part of her there. so once the procedure was done and i was giving myself 5 minutes to relax i kind of did just that. i relaxed. i didnt feel sad that my wife wasnt there (although clearly i would prefer her to be there) and i didnt do much of anything. i didnt do much visualization. i did some deep breathing. i thought of how much i am in love with my family as it is right now, and how wonderful it would be to be able to bring another bundle of joy into our lives. and then, honestly, i just imagined myself lying on my back in the grass, in the park, in the middle of a brisk spring time afternoon (just as the light panels above suggested). i felt at peace. i was so much calmer this morning than i was in october. as devastating as a failure would be, im so much less scared of it this time because ive been through it already. sure it would suck, but at least we have more sperm. i've been really working on letting go of any false sense of control that i thought was possible to have in this situation and for now i feel peaceful, which is a huge surprise to me. but im happy to be feeling this way. and im hopeful. and tomorrow i get to go in for a 2nd iui because none of the follicles had burst yet. going back tomorrow will jst remind me of my wife's successful one and only iui attempt bc she was also inseminated twice, in december, just two years ago.
so on we go, on to an alcohol-free holiday season (hopefully, but if not ill know by new years whether or not im in the clear for "some" champagne).
ill keep my fingers crossed and a smile on my face and in my heart, and if its meant to be this time, then its meant to be. and if not, ill just keep on going with my family by my side.
who doesnt love a roller coaster ride once in a while?
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