trying to deal...

so im working on dealing with the reality of my situation. i have to let go of the fact that there is nothing i can do to speed up this process at this point in time and all i can do is wait... right through february. i know its the shortest month, but man oh man, i bet its going to feel long.

my birthday is coming up, and i really dont feel like celebrating. plus im way too tired to do anything big. i was thinking about going out to a bar to drink and dance, but i kind of did that this past weekend, and the next day was a complete waste. apparently im getting too old to stay out until 330 am.it was a ton of fun though. im really glad i went out and got some really good support from friends who came to hang out. that was all after going to see the matinee performance of Stick Fly, which we really enjoyed.

this coming weekend ill just see who is free to have a couple of beers on Friday night, and then on saturday we are dropping Sofia off at my parents' place so that we can go and be in a bubble. thats what we call it whenever we're on vacation just the two of us. no baby, no dog, no work, no family, no friends, just us. an overnight trip like this has not happened for us in 4+ years. so my parents have booked us a night at a marriot thats upstate a little and i cant wait. we'll have a nice dinner, some real alone time, and a good uninterrupted night's sleep. believe me that will feel like a vacation all in itself.

then ill have to figure out a way to fill the rest of february. we do have a baby sprinkle to go to on the 18th, so that will be fun but hard. one of the girls that will be there just announced her second pregnancy in an email this morning, that was pretty hard. before we had sofia, i was the person who had a few drinks at a baby shower, and then sad rubbing the prego lady's belly for 20 minutes with tears in my eyes bc i wanted us to be moms so bad. its embarrassing to admit, but i fucking love babies. and one day we'll tell Sofia and her sibling(s) all about how badly we wanted them, and everything we went though to meet them and have them join our family. and my friend who bore the brunt of my mommy-hood jealousy said she really didnt mind, as i apologized to her on several different occasions for my obsession with her belly.

since we probably wont be getting started until at least april with the ivf, if it goes through, and march if we get denied and do more iuis, i'm going to register for the spring season of basketball. I took off last season to recover from my surgery, and to focus on trying. i had wanted to be a spectator again this season but with a prego belly. oh well. maybe next season i can be that spectator. this season ill be a player, it will be my 4th or 5th season, i cant remember anymore. all i know is i need to get my ass on a court before the season starts. i havent touched a basketball since last spring. i know this will be good for my mind, my body, my spirit and my wife and daughter. we feel such a sense of community there, and we love having a regularly scheduled activity each week.

hoping things all work out in the end, and i get there in one piece.

sofia is asleep, which means im off to trim the dogs nails, do the dishes, etc.