moving on and letting go

yesterday's morning of tears, led to a few small bouts of tears throughout the early afternoon, and then i received a call from the PA that i work with frequently at our fertility doctor's office. she understood that we only have one vial of sperm left and inquired if we would be interested in trying IVF. I said that i would do anything to try to make the most of this last vial, as it is really important to me to try to keep our kids related(as plan A, if it doesnt work out, we are not opposed to using other donor sperm, it is just something we'd like to avoid). she set me up with an appointment to meet with the doctor this morning.

i took the trip out to the farther location where the doctor was working today, just Sofia and I. i had debated bringing my mother along for support, but then decided that she would not be able to listen any more intently than i would. shes not good with listening. so i went on my own and Sofia cooperated, thank God. we sat and listened as the doctor told me that he thinks my endometriosis is the problem. he believes the sperm we have is great, and we've done everything right thusfar, but he is unsure if iuis are going to be able to do the trick. so, with that said he suggests we push for ivf. now the issue here is insurance. if insurance covers most of the cost, we do have a tiny bit of money saved up, specifically for family planning. im really hoping they will bc this is what im working with. type 1 diabetes, a thyroid condition, endometriosis, and one blocked fallopian tube. i think that should be enough for them to say yes, right?? so thats what my hopes are resting on, thats the "moving forward" part. at this point we'll just have to wait and see what the insurance company says, which could take a few weeks.

here comes the "letting go" part. i have to let go of the following: frustration with not being able to try to do anything (iui/ivf wise) in february (maybe in hindsight ill be happy i had to take a small forced break?), and the idea that my situation wasn't that bad (as now it seems quite complex).

im working on accepting things for what they are. i need more help than i wanted. this is turning out to be more difficult than i expected. this is our last vial of sperm from Sofia's donor and we may have to do a new donor search.

i guess im just glad we started early. we told a few close friends and our parents know, but im glad i dont have to update everyone i know every time i get a bfn. i dont want people to feel bad for me about the bumps in the road. i believe ill get there somehow. i have my love, we have a magnificent daughter, a snuggle bug of a dog, money in the bank (not lots, but as much as we could put aside), a roof over all of our heads, and fabulous support systems (including the sense of community i have felt since starting to read ttc blogs**). we are very fortunate.

sticking to the fact that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know why at the time. it is what it is. whatever will be will be.

stay tuned for minor gripes, and the ups and downs along the next part of this journey.

 **almost completely unrelated, but i was thinking the other day about how many different women blog and turn to forums to reveal their personal details/struggles/etc and it got me thinking. do men blog about anything siginificant(in terms of baby creation, their life struggles, etc, not politics, sports, etc)? i wonder....