20w1d

well today was the sonogram appt and overall it went well. being as nervous as i always am, i was nervous for them to get a good look at baby's heart and brain. the sonogram tech came in and began to get the needed measurements and necessary pictures. they did a vaginal scan to check my cervix and then started the regular abdominal stuff. baby was a little move-y but she was pretty much running through the first half of the appt pretty quickly. she was like a pro, but then she seemed to be having a hard time getting the needed measurements. she explained that baby was just curled up, so they had me drink some water and baby was more cooperative in getting the bone measurements. then baby stopped being cooperative again. they had me roll onto my left side, didn't help. had me roll on my right, didn't help. then they asked me to lay on my side for a few minutes and they took a break in hopes that baby would move on her own.

when they came back she was able to get all of the measurements on the bones but there were 2 shots that she was having a hard time getting, one of the baby's nasal bone, and one of her heart. of course i didn't realize they were trying to take a picture of baby's heart at a certain angle, and all i kept thinking was "why do they keep looking at her heart? didn't we see so much of her heart already?". the techs cant say anything so im just kind of going crazy. then she seemed to give up (she was super nice and had probably just exhausted her efforts) and said the doctor would be in in a few minutes to "discuss the results of today's exam" and take another quick peek. fine. they asked if i would be willing to let a student tech get some practice, and of course, in order to see more and more of baby girl, i agreed. she played around for about 15 minutes until the dr came in. the dr came in and let us know that everything was looking good with the baby, but there were 2 shots that the tech hadn't been able to get, one of baby's heart and one of baby's nasal bone. i knew as soon as she said nasal bone that meant down syndrome stuff, and i also knew that my blood test results had come back with the lowest probable risk based on the screening. i also felt like i had seen baby's nose both on previous scans and I thought i had seen it today, but the tech was probably looking at/for something else at the time. long story short, the doctor had a hard time getting these two images also.

she tried for about 15 minutes, had me roll onto both sides, no luck. then i realized that my sugar was low. i had asked lovedove to grab my sugar and my water so i could give that a boost (which clearly tastes terrible but when there is no other option, ill ingest anything). my very experienced dr then asked me if i wanted a CHOCOLATE COVERED STRAWBERRY. im assuming it was a pharmaceutical rep that had brought in 2 trays of them (we saw this happen while we were in the waiting room) and of course i said yes! it was fantastic, but didnt calm my nerves much. she tried for a few more minutes to get the 2 desired shots, still no go. they had me get up and go to the bathroom. when i got back from the bathroom the dr tried one more time and tried to reassure me that she wasn't really concerned about anything, it was just a certain angle of a certain shot that they coulnd't get and sometimes babies just don't cooperate. she said that we could stop there, or i could lay on my side for a few more minutes, and have a different tech come in and give it one more shot so that i could leave my now 90 minute sonogram (we went in at 2:30, and at this point I realized it was now 4:00) with a good feeling instead of an anxious one. even though i knew i was being that patient/pregnant lady, i knew i would have been a wreck if they hadn't been able to get what they needed.

luckily for me, a new sonogram tech came in a few minutes later and magically baby was in a perfect position and she was able to get the needed shots within 2 minutes.

i thanked everyone for their patience and effort and felt good walking out. i have my next appt with my dr in a week, and i go in for a fetal echo in 2 weeks. oh and i also have own ekg in a week and a half. so ill be back there 3 times in the next 14 days. i totally dont mind, i love being monitored closely.  so that was my big long halfway there sonogram story. here is the picture of the (confirmed today) stubborn baby girl.

oh and one more thing. the dog. since she's feeling much better and doing much better, and she is back to her old pesky habits. she's back to stealing sofia's stuffed animals and running around the house/chewing on them, amazingly without destroying them. the thing i've realized recently, she mostly goes after the bears. a pink teddy bear that sings the ABC's is her favorite lately, which must be because she ended her major love affair with the mini brown bear in the green frog suit, but she pulls him out occasionally too. i just think thats too funny, my dog loves to chew on bears!

20w (minus 1 day)

so i've calmed down significantly since last night. once i brought myself to be able to look at the pictures of this beautiful newborn's face, and she is completely adorable/squeezable/wonderful, i was a lot less angry. i needed to really remind myself that though this name, Cora, was what we had pictured for our next daughter,   it really is just a name. our baby will have the same personality, she will look the same, and hopefully she'll be just as healthy as we hope with or without the name Cora. so i want to thank all of you who took the time to remind me of your own personal baby name stories (i remember them well), and i really appreciate the encouragement. for lovedove and i, i think we're letting it go. Sofia seems to like the new name better too, it seems easier for her to say. crossing my fingers that no one else steals the next name we've set our hearts on. (sidenote, if a fellow blogger somehow uses this name before we do, since we're not necessarily connected IRL, ill be sticking to my guns this time) oh, and feel free to love and use the name Cora if it moves you.

this is the last week of my summer schedule at work and part of me is looking fwd going back to the school year schedule and part of me is dreading it. i LOVE being off on mondays and fridays, but i get to keep my fridays off so i really cant complain. debating hitting the beach one more time as its supposed to be 90 on friday.

i am really struggling with some anxiety about the 20w sono on thurs. i want baby to look just perfect, and im trying to tell myself that the few days ive had with difficult blood sugar levels weren't that bad, and that she's fine. im worried about the measurements of everything, everything forming correctly etc. lovedove informed me that im not enjoying my pregnancy enough last night. she's probably right. i'm always worried about the next thing, unless i've just stepped out of the sono room, bc usually at those times im on cloud 9 for about an hour or two. i've been putting her hand on my belly lately to see if she can feel anything, though i am only feeling things here and there, but lovedove thinks she can feel movement when she's laying with me. i think i can too, im just still having a hard time convincing myself that anything felt below my belly button most likely is in fact baby jumping/kicking around.

hoping that everything will go well on thurs. ill be posting after that appt. hope all of you pregos are feeling good. and for all the not yet pregos, im hoping that my rant about my baby name issue wasn't offensive. i remember the days where i would wish that i would have pregnant lady problems, i just got a little selfish and overly venty last night. your turn is coming, your angel(s) is/are on his/her/their way.

stolen

nothing severely serious, just that our one name for our next baby just got taken, by a friend's sister's new baby. im crying. as you know, we were not telling ANYONE. we told Sofia, but we're pretty sure the secret was safe with her.

names are permanent. they're hard to pick/agree on. you want the child to feel special and not like one of 4 so-and-sos in their class.

part of me still wants to name her what we had planned. it's such a weird thing. would people think that we just copied the name from our friend's sister? would she have changed her future baby's name if i gave birth first? is it wrong if we give her a name that someone in our circle (though it's a large circle) just used 4/5 months earlier?

my heart doesnt want to change her name. i love her name. but i cant help but wonder if this happened for a reason. actually, i can, but lovedove cant. im super upset, which seems stupid to be upset when im almost halfway through my diabetic pregnancy and there aren't any issues to date. does a name really matter? yes and no. it's got to be special to you, it's got to be something you can live with, does it make a child any less healthy or unique if you have to change it even before they're born? of course not.

ug, my heart is a little broken, and i feel like a huge asshole because i reacted really selfishly to this, and still haven't been like, "oh wonderful! another healthy baby girl born to someone in my circle!". clearly tomorrow ill feel that way, as im glad she's here safely and will be happy to welcome her to our world, but i just feel like my heart is going to break every time i hear someone say her name, because that is the name that i wanted, and i never in a million years, thought that someone might take it before us. it's pretty uncommon, i didn't know anyone who had that name ever in my whole life, and i really really liked that.

its stupid but it feels like the death of a dream for me as a parent. i wonder if this is how my mom felt when i told her i was a lesbian*(i told her i was bisexual, i had no some idea i might be totally gay).

nothing like having a non-health related curve ball thrown into your pregnancy 3 days before the 20 week sono. well, fingers crossed that baby is still a she after thursday.

sigh.

19w2d

so we're back from vacation, back in real world land and as much as im happy to be home, i miss being vacation relaxed. most of vacation was completely amazing, until we got an automated phone call from our airline less than 6 hours before our scheduled departure, to let us know that they had cancelled our flight. they offered us a flight home the next night at the same time, but it was not a non stop flight. i called the airline and demanded to be put on the flight, leaving one airport over, at the same time. i explained that we were travelling with a toddler, needed 2 seats together, and was 5 months pregnant. they could probably sense the fury in my voice over the whole thing and complied with my requests, a wise choice. we landed the next morning (it was a red eye with the loudest snoring man i have ever encountered on a plane) and i was thrilled to be home and get a million kisses from the dog. i did get a little homesick about halfway through the trip, but we really had so much fun.

pregnancy news, not much as usual. i think that i have felt the baby a few times, here or there, usually at night or in the morning, but there was a good week where i didnt feel anything at all so i got kind of nervous. i think i started feeling her again a few nights ago so im trying to stay calm. i just want to feel more and more already. im so impatient. my boobs have been killing me with sharp stabby pains, and sometimes a throbbing sensation much like Lex has described. ive had a few, omg i just sneezed and peed (a little) on myself moments, those are fun, so ive begun to get on top of the kegals i should be doing. im starting to feel pretty constant pressure as the belly bump grows, which has me thinking that ill carry really low and be pretty uncomfy from here on out. i hope that i just get used to it and it doesnt bother me that much.

i was at a local outdoor mall today and fell over an uneven sidewalk. i didn't get hurt, as i fell fwd and just put my hands out so i only scraped my palms and there was no belly/sidewalk contact but it made me super angry. this is pretty much the position i wound up in, but clearly spastically and falling down, but what if i was completely uncoordinated and had fallen on my stomach? i talked to the security guy walking around and bitched about how they should paint that so people dont fall. i was pretty calm. i waited until after i had eaten to speak to them about it knowing id be much calmer. oh, and i broke my favorite flip flops while falling. at least its the end of the summer, maybe ill be able to find a similar pair on clearance somewhere.

sofia will be 2 in about a week and i half cant believe it and im half thrilled. she's starting to become a little kid, its totally crazy. shes starting to put words together to make mini sentences which is blowing my mind. lately she is teething (again) and has been tired and not 100% herself. she was pretty much asleep last night when we got home from dinner with my parents, and i was changing her diaper and asked her if she wanted to go "night night". she said "bottle first" and i almost fell to the floor. i've been trying to implement "first.... then" sentences so that she understands that kind of thing so i was completely amazed. shes like a sponge, so im totally making an effort to curb any adult language that might slip out around her.

so thats that. next week is my last summer schedule week at work (boo) but im kind of looking fwd to being back in the normal routine. our family functions much better on a regular schedule, we eat better, we all sleep better.

oh, one thing that has been making me want to punch people. to date, i may have had 1, tiny (i do mean tiny) glass of wine since april. yet i have been taking one sip out of other people's drinks from time to time. every person that has never been pregnant before, tries to flip on me when i do that. and then i flip on them. minorly, but i can not take the judgement. if one sip of alcohol every once in a while was something that i believed would hurt the baby growing inside of me, clearly i would not do it, but i feel like its no big deal. its a sip. leave me alone! arg!

18w2d

well i am on vacation but felt like posting bc i didn't want to skip a week in terms of posting and i cant make any guarantees on when ill post again.

pregnancy updates... um... some but not that much. think that i have felt baby girl 2-3 times so far (totally impatiently wishing it was more) but only when i am lying down, super tired, in silence, and in the dark. that's how empty headed i need to be to feel anything at this point. lovedove asked me how it felt, and i think i said it felt like someone had poked a water balloon in my belly, but from the inside. then my brain took over and said... well, thats pretty much exactly what is going on, and i found that funny.

the day after we took our flight out here, i got a minor nose bleed. that was interesting and fine.

and i finally took a bump pic. i wish i could look at it and just think "ok this is what i look like at 18 weeks pregnant" but yet i find myself googling other women's 18w pics and comparing. i need to stop comparing.  i also need to stop holding my stomach in. im still doing it. so the pictures i took are with me consciously making an effort not to hold my belly in. this is the one i like the most so far.

so there it is. me, my humongous boobs (that are still sensitive, hurt frequently, and i suspect are slowly getting bigger.. ugh), the 18 week belly, and big-sister-to-be Sofia in our hotel room. (yes she is sleeping in a pack and play. by the grace of God she hasn't figured out how simple it would be for her to climb out of this, or her crib)

and thats about it. im reading along everyday and hoping everyone is feeling great!

appetite and famousness

this week It's Conceivable, a wonderful website filled with resources for/about LGBT parenting/resources/etc, featured our family story. I'm so happy to share our story on a larger platform in hopes that it will bring comfort and hope to other ttc couples in our community. i feel like our family is a little famous. thanks Kendra!

in other news, i bought this box of donuts yesterday, and then ate them all, well 4 of them, but once you eat 4 donuts, it feels like you've eaten an entire box. and yes, i managed to keep my sugar well controlled while i did. (read/say it like borat) GREAT SUCCESS!!

one day shy of 17w

there she is!

well, the results are in..... baby #2 is...... a baby girl!

we're thrilled that we'll get to use Sofia's enormous wardrobe again. sono tech and the dr who checked in after her both said she looked great. we joked with the tech about how cooperative baby was when she was trying to find out the gender, she was able to very quickly get a good view of the three lines, and said she was 95-96% sure baby is a girl. she had forgotten to snap a "take home" picture for us, so she made sure to try to get a good one before the visit was over, and then baby promptly began to be less cooperative. ah, little girls.

here are the shots we got to take home, baby weighs about 6 ozs already, and i cant believe tomorrow is 17 weeks. crazy! i totally cant wait to see *her* again in month. im in love already.

16w3d

just got back from family vacation number one and luckily for every who attended, i didnt kill anyone. though i do kind of want to punch myself in the face because after a week of not touching a laptop, my hands have forgotten how to not touch the touch pad, so typing has been difficult to do efficiently.

on the pregnany front, im still pretty tired, my boobs are still super sensitive, and my little bump is finally starting to grow a bit. while on vacation my mom started to notice the belly while i was wearing a tight white tank top, and made my dad take a picture. so i guess that was my first official bump picture, which of course i don't have access to right now, but that kind of gave me the feeling that i had a green light to go ahead and take one for myself, and post it here. so ill work on that soon.

vacation with my family was wonderful, my cousins wedding was wonderful, and in other wonderful news, disa is beginning to make a great recovery. the doctor finally gave her the DOCP shot we had been reading so much about online, and that seems to have been the thing to begin making a difference. i was kind of frustrated that he didnt just give it to her right away when we figured out it was addison's, because for the following days disa really struggled with staying hydrated. she required 3 days in a row of subcutaneous  fluids and to be honest she like shit and it was scary. not to mention how much it sucked to have to leave the dog with family while she was doing shitty. i felt like a parent abandoning my sick baby and passing her off. we got through it, and lovedove's mom was our savior through the wedding night and the 5 days we went away. luckily for us we came back to a much healthier looking dog, and shes acting like a puppy again. we are hoping the puppiness gets dialed back as they (over time) test her and use trial and error enough to find the losest possible dose of prednisone daily, as we think that is whats giving her this newfound rambunctiousness. dont get me wrong, its wonderful to see her happy and healthy and mischievous again, because thats who she is, but im hoping she calms down a bit before baby #2 makes their entrance.

speaking of baby #2, we might get to find out baby's gender on monday. sonogram scheduled for monday morning and i cant wait to get there. hoping to see that baby is doing great and still jumping around, and it would be an added bonus to find out baby's gender. so glad we have nothing scheduled this weekend because we're worn out from vacation, and we leave for our cali vacation on the 14th. holy moly this is going to be a busy busy month, and before i know it, we'll be in september and we'll be starting mommy and me class and going back to the school year schedule. time is really starting to fly, its crazy.

will post tiny bump pic numero uno soon, congrats to the ladies at Opening the Door on the birth of their baby girl! hoping all of the prego ladies are feeling good. will check back in soon.