officially full term

here we are 37 weeks officially. i am supposed to be induced 2 weeks from today on the 39 week mark, but i  would like to speak with my doctor about the actual day when i see her this thursday, bc i would like to get the process started a day or two prior to that.

i've been doing my best to stay semi active, i've been taking walks, sitting on the yoga ball, doing house cleaning - i vacuumed for the first time in a lonnnng time today, running after sofia to try to bring on labor. i'm not touching castor oil, and sex is off the table with all of the emotional shit going on around here.

i have to admit that i know i will miss feeling her crazy movements inside of me, though some of them have become uncomfortable because she feels so big. i know she won't be when she arrives, but she feels that way.

i would LOVE to go into labor naturally and be able to avoid the medications and laboring completely at the hospital, and my biggest hesitation about being induced is that my labor won't progress and i'll need a c-section. so i'm really hoping that doesn't happen, but if it does, it does.

looking fwd to meeting baby (clearly) and welcoming some joy into this rough patch of life.

wishing you all the happiest, healthiest, most fertile new year.

eat it 2012.
im totally ready for you 2013... or so i think ;o)

no news is good news

well, i've got no news of my own to report really, but i'll get to me later.

a week ago i posted about being "there" early on in the day. it was a normal thursday. lovedove came home from work at the regular time, i went to work, blah blah regular thursday. then im in my first session and my phone rings and my receptionist tells me that lovedove is on line 3. WTF. she never calls me at work, so i know something is up. she's crying and scared and tells me that her mom had a chest xray and they found a spot on her lung. fast forward one week to today. we now know that lovedove's mom has stage 4 lung cancer, and it has spread to other parts of her body. she's currently undergoing testing and getting good care to try to figure out exactly what we're dealing with, and how we can best combat it. needless to say, it was not the merriest christmas. Sofia's christmas was great, she saw her cousins at christmas eve and santa came to visit the cousin's at Gma's christmas eve celebration (the most painstaking holiday celebration of my life, as we found out the stage of the cancer earlier that day), and left her great presents on christmas morning, but i think she can tell that something is off with everyone.

i can not believe that this is my real life right now, none of us can. we're just trying to take things one day at a time bc thinking into the future at all is scary and useless because all we know we have is right now. hell, she's a fighter maybe we've got another 40-50 yrs with her, but there's nothing in this world that guarantees me that i wont get hit by a bus tomorrow, you know? so this is my news, and as a family we're just trying to hold on to each other and figure out the best way to hold our shit together and be strong for each other.

this situation has created a weird emotional space for me. i'm really excited to be getting very close to meeting our next little baby, but a part of me feels:
(a) worried that the joy of this baby being born will be muddled with sadness
(b) guilty that i have such a happy event coming up and my MiL has the fight of her life coming up
(c) bad for lovedove that she is facing all of this at one time
(d) selfish that at times when im doing what needs to be done to help (staying with sofia, doing extra cleaning up, whatever etc) im think.. shit isn't this supposed to be the happy and easy part of my pregnancy?
(e) sooooooooooo scared.
so yea, im not feeling great emotionally, its a really rough place to be. my MiL is truly one of the unique and caring people i've encountered in my life, and she has loved me since the day i entered her home for the first time, and i know that because i've felt it every second. anyway, we're going to fight this, thats that.

updates on me and baby. my official dr date is 36w5d (i still think im 37w2d) and i want this baby to arrive. i hate the pain im in when im rolling over in bed at night, and the pelvic pain sucks on the days i have it. i had my doctor check me yesterday just bc i was curious, she said she got "one fingertip in there" and im "exactly where i should be". she doesn't seem to think i'll go early, but i have had a few contractions that i believe are semi real, but not very painful at all. tons of braxton hicks. tons of fatigue. not sleeping that well lately. grateful to be this far along in a very uneventful and healthy pregnancy. eye appt today to make sure there isn't any bleeding in the back of my eye from the betes + pregnancy. got this picture of chipmunk cheeks yesterday. makes me really happy and anxious to meet her.

yup, im "there"

this week, i must admit, i've officially hit that point. the point where you're tired of being pregnant. i never wanted to admit to myself that i would hit that point, because to me it sounds ungrateful. plus, this pregnancy has been relatively "easy" other than the diabetes management, as i was not in that much physical discomfort until recently. i know that many ladies have a much rougher time, so i'm feeling like a wuss. this pregnancy is what i want(ed) more than anything in this world, and i feel like im wussing out, because i'm only hitting 36 weeks now. this means i still have 3 more weeks until my doctor will think about inducing me, if things continue to go well with my body handling the pregnancy. i mean don't get me wrong, im not a big fan of induction in general, i believe in babies staying put until they're ready to join us, but since they're going to induce me anyway due to my diabetes, i might try to get her to move the date up by a day or two if she's open to that.

lovedove never hit this point. her pregnancy was the most uneventful pregnancy i think ive ever witnessed. i'm not sure if thats because she carried so high, or bc she was off for the summer for about 8 weeks before she delivered so there wasn't too much craziness going on (despite me being unemployed at the time.. story for another time), or if it was just Sofia being an angel in utero. whatever the reason, she never hit this point. it would probably serve me better not to beat myself up about it, really, what good does it do to call yourself a wuss repeatedly? everyone's pregnancy is different right? why compare myself to other people? (bc thats what we do by nature, silly). anyway, i want this baby born sooner than later, as long as its after xmas, and i feel guilty about it.

i've been having a ton of braxton hicks, usually after bending, so of course nothing ever shows up on my non stress tests bc im happily still and relaxing with my feet up in a recliner. i have another one today, christmas eve, and on the 27th. i see my doctor next on the 27th when i'll be almost 37 weeks, so i'm assuming she'll do an internal check to see if i'm dilated at all. not that being dilated means anything, lovedove was dilated 2-3 cm for like 3 weeks before she delivered sofia. speaking of cervical checking, i think the baby is attempting to do her own checks, from the other side. its quite an unpleasant sensation, and i think this is what sofia used to do to lovedove. lovedove lovingly referred to it as "the scritchees". yea, i think i get the name now, and yes, we tend to get creative with our vocab sometimes. tailbone pain continues, mobility seems to be decreasing, super tiredness (surprise). i've been sleeping like crap, but mostly bc i can't get my brain to stop running around in circles. i slept better last night, after only getting 5ish hours a night the two nights prior. i hope sofia sleeps in a little bit when lovedove is off next week. please God. please. just give me to 7:30 and im happy. i'm scared of the little amount of sleep i'll be able to get once the new baby arrives. like really scared, but ill deal, and i'll be very thankful for my blessings.

anyway, today is my last day of full week work. i'm working the day after christmas, and january 1 and 2, and then im calling it quits. i'm really looking forward to the holiday break, as i only have to work one day and lovedove and i, and the extended family, will have loads of time together to do fun family stuff. i would love if baby made her debut while my SiL was still in town so she could meet her while she's in NY. guess we'll see if baby's got any magic tricks in mind or if she's happy where she is.

its finally starting to feel like christmas to me, so happy its just a few days away. i can't wait to see sofia's face when she opens each toy. she loves to play. today she was playing doctor with disa. i managed to catch some of it on video. i love my kids, hope they happily welcome the new one when she arrives.

if i don't post, merry christmas to all!!

un/believable

27 days until my induction date.
6 more work days, broken up, last day isn't until 1/3 but still.
4 more weekends.
less than 1 month.

its unbelievable (to me) and completely believable simultaneously. i feel like this is such an odd point in my life. i'm almost "over" being pregnant, and i never really wanted to get there, but in addition to my impatience, im more and more uncomfortable day by day, with new (temporary - thank God) pains every day. lately i'm struggling with tailbone pain (which is the spine pain i keep mentioning, not sure why i didn't remember that the word tailbone existed). i'm starting to run low on tight shirts that fit my belly, since about half of the maternity clothes we have are shrinking due to this being their 2nd round of use. this means i'll have to turn to the more tenty, feminine shirts that will just billow out over my growing belly. i'm not the girliest girl by any means so im often hesitant to jump into the items i bought for lovedove when she was prego. i feel huge which is a good and bad thing. i like being obviously pregnant, but its rough. my belly now points in the direction of my last step which is think is hysterical. im tired (understatement). she's getting big and heavy and higher so she messes with my lungs sometimes. i hit my belly into everything. im super clumsy. i'm slower than in my prepregnancy days, and i have been known to move pret-ty slow at times. pregnant lesbian "problems", i know, shut up amy.

also unbelievable. the ny jets. they're fucking terrible and i still watch them lose painfully almost every week.

unbelievable to me that i'll go to 39 weeks. i don't think this baby is staying in here that long, again, not sure why i feel that way, it may just be wishful thinking. i keep saying i'll take her any time after christmas. not too early little lady, please, but i wouldn't mind if you made your debut before the 13th.

we did a lot of prep for baby this weekend. set up the cosleeper, minus attaching it to the bed, did the new baby laundry, got the infant car seat and bases out, made photo copies of important docs for the hospital (copy of our marriage license, health care proxy, etc). today i bought a pair of slippers for the hospital and my mom gave me a new pair of very soft pajamas for the hospital. lovedove has been urging me to let us go on a tiny shopping trip to look for pjs/comfy clothes that will be easy for me to breastfeed in. i've not been the most receptive to her advice, which is bitchy, but i think i was just being defensive and not wanting to be told how to do something, bc it will be my own learning experience. i apologized for that today and lovedove expressed that it just feels like im pushing her away when i do that. she's just trying to help me. i need to just accept her help and stop being.. whatever im being. i also think lovedove is a little anxious to be on the other end of this. i almost think its more nerve wracking to be the non pregnant one when it comes down to the countdown for, and the big day itself.

so lovedove doesn't feel well, im praying she doesn't get sick/er than she felt today. sofia also seems to be battling something lately, but we think its just 2 yr molar/teething stuff.. hard to tell though. the weather has been ridiculous, its been 60 degrees more than once this month. its december. that doesn't make sense. i think its messing with everyone's ability to stay healthy.

today is monday, so i was back at my regular appt for a nst and sono. back in the recliner, no prob with baby's movements, she was jumping around a lot. my dr happened to be around, took a look at my heart monitor strip, said "beautiful baby" based on the record. sono was also fine with the doctor reviewing the images calling her perfect. i'm glad she looks so good on paper, i hope she comes out as perfectly healthy as she seems. its almost unbelievable to me that my pregnancy has been so issue-less, im so thankful though. i cant wait to get the estimate of what she weighs this week on thurs.

and finally the most unbelievable of all. friday's massacre of 20 1st graders and 6 school staff in a small town in connecticut about 90 minutes from here. it was beyond difficult to hear about, i tried to shield myself from the details at first. then, like everyone else, we were glued to our tv's trying to learn details and make some kind of sense out of an unfathomable act. then their names emerged, then their pictures. its absolutely heart wrenching. i can not imagine the pain of being any closer than 90 minutes away and being completely unconnected to the victims. my wife is a teacher. i'd like to work in a school one day. my daughters will be in a first grade classroom one day. all i can do is shake my head and sigh. its so scary.

we need more gun control. we need more access to mental health services for those in need. we need so much change. what we don't need is more angels.

39 is the finish line

met with my doctor yesterday for our regular check up. she did my cultures, which was the first time i have been bottomless in a doctor's office in a while, and she joked with the nurse the whole time. the two of them are really great and make me feel super comfortable always. after she did those swabs and checked baby's heart beat on the tiny doppler, she asked me to join her in her office. she gave me the pre-registration packet (which i apparently was supposed to receive much earlier but they forgot - no biggie) and we talked about what the plan is. then she used one of my favorite quotes about life "we plan and God laughs". its so true sometimes. anyway, she would normally start seeing me weekly at this point, but she's not in the office next thurs, so i'll see her 2 days after christmas when im almost 37 weeks. CRAZY. where does the time go that christmas is in 11 days? anyway. she said that because i'm there so frequently (every 3-4 days) for a sono and nst, that she's not going to worry about having another clinician check in with me next week. the plan is, that if "all" continues to go well, "all" being tight control of my blood sugars without them plummeting (which may indicate placental breakdown - in which case we'd need to meet baby sooner than later), my blood pressure continuing to be where they want it, and decent non stress test results/biophysical profiles w the sonos, then we'll try to get to mid january and then induce. so, within a month, we should meet this baby. holy moly. so many feelings ranging from crazy excitement, a little bit of worry about delivery and how it will go, to omg we're going to have 2 kids/how am i going to learn to juggle all of that with a crazy dog, etc. i can't believe she's almost here.

baby was not that cooperative on the non stress test machine yesterday. i'm usually in a recliner, they have 2 set up, but they were occupied, so i laid on a stretcher during the test. apparently baby thought i was sleeping and went to sleep too. after a while and some unsuccessful attempts to wake her up by drinking cold water, they had me turn onto my side and lay there for a while longer. she cooperated once i was on my side and after what was probably an hour, they let me go, satisfied with the heart rate info during her movement that they saw on the printed strip.

then at the sono, the tech seemed a little concerned with my placenta. apparently it is horseshoe shaped and she was a little concerned about making sure it attached at some point. one of the doctors came in to look around with the sono wand and said everything looked fine, and that she was not worried. however, had i not already been scheduled for 2x a week sonos, that type of thing would warrant getting those additional peeks to monitor that kind of thing. when i asked my dr about it, she said that it is just to make sure that when i deliver the baby and the placenta they are able to get all of the placenta out, to avoid additional unnecessary bleeding after the birth. so any minor stress i experienced from that was pretty much put to rest once i spoke with her.

cue frustrated family ramble. every thursday, i pretty much rely on my sister to watch sofia while im at my appt(s). fine. so weds i speak with her about what the plan is, i ask her to come to our apt around 9.30/10 because i need to leave at 10 to watch sofia. i ask her to bring her car so that i dont have to put the car seat in her car, and i would just drive her car to my appts. my only request is that she take Sofia to storytime at the library, which she hasn't been to in weeks. ok. arrival time to our apt. 10 on the dot. she brings her boyfriend. totally fine bc he's a really nice guy and treats Sofia like gold, however, they drive over in his truck. now i have to transfer the car seat into this car. that takes time. fine. whatever, i get out of the house and get to my appt about 15 minutes late, which is now normal bc my family is typically not good at arriving on time/early. i didn't go on fb from my phone while i was at my appts bc my phone is pretty much always dead (the battery and phone are 2 yrs old and i think its just not holding a charge well anymore) and i just zoned out/read a magazine/etc. i get a text from lovedove that reads "your sister's fb post irritated me a little". so of course now im curious. i go on fb. i see a pic of sofia and my sister's boyfriend at the library reading a book. fine. i read the caption my sister puts with the picture. "storytime!! how ironic she picks out "daddy and me lol". ok, 1. she doesn't have a dad. 2. its not funny that she likes that book (its a flap book, she has several just like it by the same author, we've read it before) 3. your bf is certainly not her dad. 4. your boyfriend isn't even her "uncle" until you get engaged/marry him.

cue my fury. i commented on the post and said "are you trying to start a fight? you should probably think a little more before you post stuff". i just felt so angry. like i think ive said on here, i feel like she loves to play house with our baby, that we planned for, provide for, and care for every second of every day. when she takes Sofia places its not like - oh this is my niece, she's so cute, i love spending time with her, (for me it feels more like) its - i'm pretending this is my kid and this is my little family, and that is exactly how that post made me feel. plus, i dont think its a laughing matter that she doesn't have a dad. Sofia is aware that she doesn't have a daddy, but i think she's ok with it at this point. we talk about different kinds of families, and she knows that she has two mommies and she's a well rounded happy kid. i was just so furious. she didn't respond in any way to what i said, and she probably feels like im over reacting. i dont think i am. i didn't scream, i didn't yell, i didn't even address it with her in person. my family's way is to just avoid any "real" confrontation, and any time i do address any real issue i have with things they do or say, i'm the emotional (now pregnant - lucky them they get to play up the hormones too) one who makes a big deal out of nothing all of the time. i feel like i would have been fine with either the pic by itself, or the caption by itself, but the two together just made me too angry. arrrrggggg.

what about you - other 2 mom families? how would you have felt in this situation?

things i keep forgetting to mention

i hit my belly on lots of things, not hard, just enough to remind me i'm hauling a kid around in my body. most often i bump the belly on the refrigerator door when im opening it. i've done it many many times, i think its funny, since i so often open that door to look for a snack.

i've been getting super clumsy. i drop stuff and i feel like my hand eye coordination is off. my balance is lacking lately, especially in the middle of the night when im getting up to pee. its about 13 steps from my bed to the bathroom, but some nights you should see the help i need from the walls to stay upright. i have also developed a little bit of anxiety about stairs. i feel so afraid that im going do fall down a flight of them, so im very conscious about holding onto a banister at all times.

my feet started to swell a little for the first time last night. nothing major.

i've been having braxton hicks pretty often, prob for the last 2 weeks, but they never happen out of no where. its always in response to bending, or bending with some straining/reaching. its getting a little annoying. kind of like how the hiccups are getting a little annoying. regardless, im thankful for these annoyances.

im convinced this baby is more active one day and then really tired the next. tuesday she was kind of crazy at night, wednesday she was pretty calm, and this morning she's nuts again. i love feeling her, im beginning to wonder how much i'll miss her movements once she's born.

i totally hate the unknown nature of when she'll actually arrive. i try to google for "average week of delivery for type 1 moms" and read about other people's experiences, but all of that totally doesn't matter. there's no science to predicting if i'll develop pre-e and need a c-section earlier, or if i'll be totally fine and go into labor spontaneously, or if my water will break tomorrow. i just keep trying to read as much info as possible to remind myself that anything is possible and even if i go to my due date, which i feel like i could, but don't think i will (i'm not sure why i think that), its only another 38 days till we get to meet little baby girl. trying to wrap my head around how close we're getting to the happy (god willing) end of this pregnancy. it seems super unreal still, even after all of this prep, and work, and waiting. how strange.

but i totally can't wait.

34w1d

today's nst and sono were fine as usual. thank goodness, i cant imagine if a doctor actually wanted to speak with me at the end of my visit. half of the time the doctors don't even see me personally, they just send the tech back to tell me everything is fine. my mom was all "if everything is fine, why do you have to go so often"... "because im a diabetic Mom, and if theres an issue they want to know about it right away"... makes sense no? oh mom. oh so i was going to say that my blood pressure has been really good during this pregnancy so at this point i don't really have any worries about pre-eclampsia. i think my highest reading was 120/80 and that was on the day i had to pick up the rental when my car got hit for the 2nd time. since then its been pretty steady at or just under 110/70. 

did i ever mention the non stress test lady Gina? her name is pronounced gee(like the gee sound in geese)-na,  so at first when i would go in for my appts, i always wanted to call her GIna, bc i knew her name was spelled regularly, but pronounced differently, and of course my brain prounounces it GIna (like va-GI-na) and every time i had to work really hard to make sure it didn't come out of my mouth like that. thankfully im used to it now. anyway, Gina has been kind of absent minded lately. last thurs she hooked me up to the monitor and forgot to give me the little clicker thing (like a jeopardy buzz-er in-er) that i have to push when i feel baby move. when she left the room i asked one of the other attending techs to give it to me so she wouldnt feel bad that she forgot. then today she forgot to take my blood pressure, which i dont care about because im sure its fine, but after she had hooked me up to the monitor, she forgot to push my curtain back so that i could watch tv. so when she left i used my foot to pull the curtain back and i happily watched a small portion of the view. come on Gina get with it! lol. they're all very nice women, im not actually irritated by any of this, i just thought it was funny and that i'd share.

in other funny news, saturday was the first day that lovedove and i had done any extended walking, and she commented on my waddling. i've asked her not to comment again as the pelvic pressure/pain i have every few days is no fun, and on those days i feel pressure with every step i take. but i was kind of amused that she  commented on my waddling, but also a little sensitive about it. 

um, so thats about it. i have a lunch date with a long time friend tomorrow who (now) lives in Spain so i'm wondering what kind of comments she'll have about my size, waddling, etc, but im really looking forward to it. 

here's two pics from the weekend that make me smile, so maybe they'll make you smile too. 

i dont know how some ladies do it.

i feel huge already, and i don't think im actually carrying that large. my own mobility/comfort complaints lead me to question how other women do it. what about ladies who aren't built bigger like me? how do they cart around this huge belly on a tiny body? what about women who carry multiples, holy moly, how do they do it with 2 babies in there? my cousin had twins 2 years ago. she carried those 2 to 40 weeks and was literally the size of a house. she needed physical help to get on and off of the couch each time, and now she's back to being the size of a toothpick. women are truly amazing. paft of me feels like a very accomplished pregnant lady, i didn't have many physical complaints until recently, and i was pretty active (lovedove laughs at me when i say that bc she doesn't think its true) but i mean active in terms of taking sofia out on errands, and to playgroup, and story time, and to visit her grandparents during the day, and then i went to work most afternoons. i feel good about that. as lazy as i feel now, and i know i have felt pretty lazy through most of this pregnancy, i still feel like i did a good job in the care i provided to sofia during the majority of this pregnancy. anyway, onto baby things.

at my holiday party for work on weds night, i ate a ton, which led me to feel like a turducken. i felt like i had a full baby belly, inside of my full momma belly, and it made me think of a turducken. not sure if this is a commonly known thing, but if anyone doesn't know what a turducken is, its a deboned chicken, stuffed into a deboned duck, stuffed into a deboned turkey.

baby seems to have alternating days of activity and slower days of rest. i totally love feeling her, and im kind of getting excited that some of her movements are getting uncomfortable to experience. makes me feel like im getting closer and closer to meeting her. i mean i know i actually am, but it still seems like forever away. though yesterday lovedove said to me "amy, if you get induced 2 weeks early, we could have this new baby in a month", and my brain was like no, that wouldn't be until the beginning of january, and then i was like, riiiiiiight. its getting very close now, its hard to believe. this pregnancy has been the fastest thing in the world and the slowest thing in the world, simultaneously. its an incredible phenomenon all around.

at my sono and nst yesterday, baby measured 5lbs5ozs, which im not sure i believe, the pro tech's first guess was 5lbs1oz, but once she plugged the measurements into the computer it said 5-5, but i wouldn't mind a bigger baby. i want some chubby cheeks to squeeze and some rolls on those thighs! i love chubby babies! i know my vagina probably won't agree, but that's such a temporary discomfort, says the lady who has yet to experience a vaginal delivery.

anyway, im totally looking forward to this weekend. we're doing christmas shopping sans sofia later today, and tomorrow we're taking the xmas picture and maybe getting the tree. sunday is the last day of basketball games for the NYCGBL and we're gonna go to watch and show off my belly and see everyone one last time before we've got 2 kids. holy moly. 2 kids. this is going to be very very interesting.

waiting around

so today marks (business) day #3 that i have been waiting for my "overnighted" package from my medical provider. UPS has royally fucked me, and i've spent $70 in the last 4 days acquiring the testing strips i need to adequately care for myself and baby in terms of managing my diabetes. i've spent what is now hours, on the phone with UPS, demanding that they work with me to get these supplies to me. this is not a fucking pair of gloves i ordered online, or someone's gift for xmas, this is essentially my fucking health, in a box. needless to say im absolutely livid, on top of trying to keep an active toddler couped up in the apt without experiencing non stop tantrums, on top of being completely exhausted. and truly, i dont want to hear "its high volume shipping season", i get that, but its not the week before xmas or chanukka (dont think i spelled that right, i know the c is optional, but im not sure about the rest of it.. wait ill check.. according to www.jewfaq.org that spelling is correct lol.. what a great web address) and these are fucking medical supplies for a pregnant lady. come on people, lets do your jobs.

speaking of following up on other people not being able to do their jobs properly, i had to hand deliver a letter from my new insulin supplier to my endo yesterday. they (the admin people at my endo) say they faxed the authorization for my insulin refills on "the 5th", to that i responded "of november, correct?", "yes", well i received this letter in the mail last week. so they agreed to refax the rx. if that doesn't solve the problem i dont know what else i can do to try to facilitate smooth uncomplicated communication between these two service providers.

then i get an email from 1eighthundredpetmeds. we placed an order for disa's medication (the vet and his admin have agreed to let us purchase her meds and administer her shot at home pending we come in for monthly bloods) on saturday, and since then they have not received a response from disa's doctor. after the initial order is placed, they send the rx request to the dr. needless to say, and everyone take one big guess here, i call the vets office and they, everyone together now yell it like you're in a studio audience for a game show...... "didn't receive the fax". called petmeds, they refaxed the request. please please please clear yourself up, issue. i've had it with time sensitive medical shit that is out of my hands. i apologize for this blog becoming so rant-y lately, but it does seem like we've been under a significant amount of unnecessary stress at the hands of others, and this is truly the best place for me to get it out.

ok. enough of that.

nst and sono yesterday, baby went crazy on the non stress test, she was moving all around like a lunatic, kicked me in the ribs for the first time, and got the hiccups while i was still hooked up to the machine towards the end of the test. she didn't sit still for more than 3 or 4 minutes during that period and it totally took me by surprise. she is usually significantly calmer, but i really enjoyed that experience. the sono was fine, got another experienced tech, so i'm thinking that my time with jane the trainee is over. maybe they just let her do the 28-32 week ones bc they need to really start to monitor my fluid levels and baby's growth after that point? who knows, im glad to be done with her. she doesn't even smile when i see her in the waiting room. grump. during the sono yesterday, despite the images not being in 3d, we were able to see baby playing with her nose. it was so cute! she was kind of just pushing it down a few times and i couldnt believe i was watching her do it. the tech was giggling a little and said she was cute with chubby cheeks. my.god.i.cant.wait.to.see.her.in.person.

like i said before i am so tired. like, the most tired i have been through the entire pregnancy. i assume this will only continue, fine by me. do i wish i had more energy and felt more mobile? sure, but im pretty much halfway through the final trimester of pregnancy, im pretty sure what im feeling is completely normal. yesterday i didnt wind up going in to work, only 1 client is coming, so it wasn't really worth getting into work clothes, commuting(though brief), etc. i have work today, our holiday party (so no work) tomorrow, and then thurs and my work week is done. again, not good for bank accounts, but good for resting.

i continue to love feeling baby do more frequent and stronger movements, and yesterday sofia put her hand on my belly and would have felt a kick right smack on her hand if she was able to wrap her brain around the reality connected to the words "baby sissa in momma belly". her vocab is again on some kind of crazy incline, its truly amazing.

amidst all of this craziness, i've been remembering to be thankful for all that we have and keep in mind the relativity of diabetes testing strips not being delivered, as opposed to this being an insulin shipment, or other medication for more life threatening illnesses.

reading along with everyone's stories and loving being connected to all of you ladies through our journeys. i feel blessed to be among such a strong group of determined women. hoping this little one will be strong and determined (later in life, i could do without a second strong willed toddler) too.

what a huge success!

my sprinkle/pin up party was yesterday and my goodness, i still can't stop smiling. we had such a great time, it was more than i could have imagined it would be. everyone who was there made me feel super special in their own way. from home made decorations, to delicious food and dessert, to wonderful gifts, i felt and still feel so blessed! i still cant stop smiling. here are are the sono pics and some pics from the party

totally different angle
but i think they have
similar eyes. cant wait to see
these sisters together!

she finally showed us her little face! we think she resembles her sister. check out Sofia's 3d sono!

looking huge but i guess thats 33 week territory

pin up decorations with my interests highlighted!

our apt looks huge here, it's not lol
(there's Danna from the barbershop on the left)

disa pin up style

me and lovedove... aka momma and mommy <3

the "guess the size of my belly" game.
the previously pregnant moms at the party
estimated the belly to be significantly larger
than those who haven't been preggers before. we both fit into this guess! 

these friends and cousins had the two closest guesses!

lovedove and i with some gifts, matching outfits for the girls!

my ring ding cake! (actually little debbie's because no one could find ring dings anywhere!)
delicious!

diaper cake

we're set with diapers for a while! 

 as you can see we had a fantastic time! we had our hair done by Danna from Beale Street Barber Shop, who happened to be a friend of one of the guests. we couldn't be happier as our hair-dos truly made the party a huge success!

parties are all done, now it's onto the holidays. hoping this baby stays put and grows big and strong until she is ready to make her debut!

finally

got to see baby's face for the first time yesterday. had the good and experienced sono tech meagan from monday, and she remembered that baby didn't cooperate earlier in the week. the first images she saw was baby without her hands in her face and she acted quickly to grab a few shots while she could. i couldn't believe baby was cooperating i was almost in tears. she looks pretty much just like every other baby picture in utero i've ever seen. i immediately sent it to lovedove and the aunties and grandparents. everyone was amazed with finally being able to see her face. everyone was asking if i thought she looked like sofia. i have no idea lol. i was just in complete shock. i felt like i had given up on the hope of getting a glimpse of her face after monday's unsuccessful attempt. some googling monday night lead me to believe that since she's head down already and space is limited down there, that we might not have a good shot at seeing her clearly, but then, surprise! (i'm withholding the pic until after my friend sprinkle which is tomorrow so all of them can see the pics together - though i don't think many of them read this)

sidenote.... i feel like since i posted about this blog on my fb page i've become somewhat of a more concerned/edited blogger. part of me wishes that i could write in a less censored way, even though not much of what i put up here is censored, i definitely feel like there have been some things i would have actually documented on here if i was sure that no one who i actually knew in real life would see this. anyone else feel like this?

back to finally. i got my first leg cramp of my pregnancy last night in my sleep. i only put this in the finally category because i knew it would happen eventually. lovedove really struggled in her pregnancy with leg cramps and got them kind of often, i feel fortunate that i just got my first one, but i hope that it doesn't set off too much of a chain reaction and i get them a ton. i hardly get muscle cramps ever, so im always kind of in disbelief that the muscle thats contracting is so strong. i tried to make my brain control the muscle to relax, when that didn't work i tried to reach my foot with my hand to help the situation - clearly not happening, and then i got out of bed. put all of my weight on my leg and eventually, probably within 30 seconds or so, the muscle gave in, and the cramp ended. i thought it was such an interesting sensation when the pain did subside, it just disappeared. not that i want it to happen again, but i found it slightly intriguing. 

finally, i look pregnant to my favorite teenage client. "miss you really look pregnant now". thanks kiddo. i guess its about time. i continue to get compliments on how well im carrying this pregnancy which is nice to hear, and the other day one of my coworkers who i rarely see said "you look beautiful" i responded with "what??!". my skin has been atrocious. i started to break out minimally before my sprinkle, but it wasn't that bad and i was able to hide most of it with make-up. however it has only continued to get worse since then. i've always struggled with skin issues arising, and not being able to let it be, i kind of usually make the situation worse. its pretty bad at this point, and im wishing this wasn't the case a day before my friend/pin up/bachelor party sprinkle. hopefully make-up will make me appear presentable magically. 

finally, im supposedly receiving my shipment of diabetes testing supplies today. after a month's worth of phone calls back and forth, a lot of bs and wasted time, a lot of lies/inaccurate information, etc, i spoke to someone at my medical supplier yesterday who listened to my story, reviewed my account and phone call history in his system, had a heart, gave a shit, spoke to his supervisor, and got authorization to ship my dec 1st shipment out yesterday. they were going to send it overnight so im praying that i receive it today. it will take a lot of anxiety off of me and ill be able to check my sugars the way i want/need to again. 

baby continues to move around like a crazy person, which i usually enjoy greatly, but its starting to get a little tight in there, so some of her kicks are starting to be uncomfortable. fine by me, as long as she's growing big and strong. my pregnancy emails have started to talk about labor and delivery and i was very interested opening and reading this link "what labor really feels like". needless to say i was comforted by a few of the comments, but nearly petrified by others. i'm pretty set on getting an epidural, even though i feel like a little less of a woman to not even trying to do it naturally, but after being present for sofia's birth, and being in touch with so many moms in real life, i know that its not a failure of any kind. i hate when my mother says "amy, you dont have to be a martyr" thats not the point mom, its just that i know it can be done, millions of women deliver babies without medication for pain every day, and in a world where i didn't have type 1 diabetes, i think i would like to give it a shot, but its probably best for me to just get one and try to be as rested as possible for delivery. whatever, that is still a significantly long time from now, at least it feels that way. 

pics of baby will be posted in the coming days, and maybe some pics from the party tomorrow. we're giving sofia to my parents and i can not wait to sleep in on sunday morning!

oh, the family upstairs just came home with their new born baby girl 2 days ago. the night before last i heard her cries in the middle of the night. its just so strange because my ears are totally unaccustomed to the newborn cry. sofia NEVER cried. it was almost strange. it made me wonder what this baby will be like. i pray she's not a colic-ie baby. however, my prayers that she be born a healthy baby greatly outweigh my prayers for a "good" baby.

anyway, onto the weekend! be well ladies!

[ps we might have changed her middle name again, sofia had some input this time]

freshie

this was my nickname as a toddler, along with sand monster, and "nickyface" (i look just like my dad and always have). little blueberry growing inside of me is also a freshie, stubborn little miss, but like my grandma says in her brooklyn italian/sicilian accent "better to be fresh than stale".

i sat in the waiting room for my nst and sono appt today and saw good ol' jane. i waited for her to grab my chart and call me in, but she didn't. i was taken to the other side of the office, the side where all of the "good" (3d/4d capable) sono machines are. i had an experienced sonogram tech and politely begged for her to try to get a face shot of the babe after she had what she needed. she kindly obliged and tried for a few minutes to get me the picture(s) i've been drooling for. however, it was not to be, at least not today. she said baby had both of her hands in front of her face, and each time she tried to grab a good pic, she wasn't able to. i totally couldn't see anything the few times she tried to clear up the 3d/4d picture. she had me flip a few times, but baby would not take her hands away from her mouth.

oh well, today was not the day for that, but even if i don't get a good picture of her while she's in utero, i'll just be super happy when she arrives and i get to see her face. maybe she wants to surprise us?? who knows, silly little girl.

today's report was the same as it tends to be lately, "everything looks good, you can head home". blood pressure continues to be just slightly under 110/70 so i'm very happy with that. hoping we can keep it down throughout. sugar control is still good, but its getting a little harder each day. supposedly your insulin needs tend to level off around 34 weeks, im curious to see if i fall into that.

my mom took sof to her playgroup today and said all went well. im relieved bc playgroup is going to fall on her for the next bunch of weeks due to the sonos. working on only allowing my anxiety to get the best of me in terms of things i can control, bc right now im starting to have a bit of anxiety over how i'll handle 2 kids on my own for the first few weeks. don't know why im worrying about that now, when we have much larger hurdles to hop before we get there.

32w

had an amazing thanksgiving here, all was well, our guests came and went in shifts as they always do. lovedove and her mother cooked everything and did way more work than they usually do, because i was pretty much relaxing with my feet up for most of the day. i felt super fortunate to be surrounded by food and family and thoroughly enjoyed the day. i did my fair share of eating for 2, and have continued to do so, because as the host home, we wind up with most of the leftovers. however, i must say, there is still some of both pies (apple and pumpkin) and there is still vanilla ice cream AND we still have whipped cream. thats some kind of amazing in this house 3 full days after the main feast. the highlight of my day was making my sister feel the baby. i had tried to share baby with a few other family members, but as always, she decided to play hide and seek hide, and didn't really let anyone else feel her. my sister got a swift kick in the head from baby as she momentarily put her had on my belly, and i also got her to feel some of baby's hiccups.

sofia has been on a no nap kick for the last 5 days or so, which drives me nuts, but she's been holding up ok. she gets completely zombied out, and we usually make her stay in her room for a while, but she refuses to sleep. she's so strong willed its scary. all in all, she is still a very well behaved little girl and im thankful for that. today she did a numbers and shapes puzzle all by herself. i was amazed bc she usually gets frustrated pretty easily and demands help, so i was super proud of her. she's also been coming up with some interesting sentences lately. sometimes lovedove and i look at each other to try to figure out where she got whatever new vocabulary word she threw into the mix. today she said "i'm running quickly" and we were baffled as to where she learned the word quickly. its an odd phenomenon to witness.

we've been kind of vegging out and just relaxing this weekend. its been lovely, to me at least. i like having days where we do nothing because so much of our life is tightly packed with activities and usually tightly scheduled. we did venture out yesterday to visit lovedove's mom at the bank she works at, and go for a quick lunch at McD's. I've been eating way too much fast food lately, but only because of said tight schedule and all of my doctor appointments. today our outing included a trip to bab.iesRus and we bought a new diaper bag, one 2 pack of binkies, and new nipples for baby's  bottles. i can't believe we're at the point to do this shopping already but we are.

tomorrow begins my 3 appts, split between mondays and thursdays every week until i deliver, and i have an appt with my regular endo on tues. (i still have not gotten the shipment my diabetes supplier sent out on monday, which i dont even understand, but i was luckily able to grub some strips off of lovedove's grandma. i had helped her out a while ago in a similar situation so i was thrilled that she could help me. the last thing i want to do is blow $50 on 50 testing strips at a local pharmacy, when i get hundreds of them for a $15 copay in my usual shipments.) so long story short, this week there are dr's appts on mon, tues, and thurs, and then saturday is my friend sprinkle. we are giving sofia to my parents for all of saturday and saturday night. they are taking her to disney on ice and hopefully nothing more. im having some anxiety over the fact that they are taking a cab to and from the event, hence sofia won't be in a car seat. my mom knows a neighborhood cab driver who has driven both her and my sister home millions of times so they're going to call him, but its just my regular old anxiety over things i can't control kicking in. i've certainly struggled with anxiety more during this pregnancy more than i ever have in my life. im hoping that my anxiety level goes back to its pre-pregnancy (nearly non-existent) level once baby is here.

so yea, this seems like the home stretch, the ticker says 56 more days, but it still feels like a long time away. im sure it will fly, but im not going to say that im not looking forward to non-pregnant life. my lower back/spine pain gets annoying, and my pelvic area pain (that comes and goes, nothing im concerned about) isn't pleasant either. its nothing atrocious though and im very thankful for that.

lovedove and i may have decided on a new middle name, i really like it, and i like that it's more of lovedove's pick. i like that we now have an option other than the one name that we were thinking so i'll be happy to take a look at baby and know that we have more than only one option.

at my sono on thurs jane the newbie sono tech, said baby weighed in at 3lbs14ozs so i was happy with that. the pics from this week were eerily ghostly. needless to say i have my fingers crossed that jane doesn't work on mondays.

hoping everyone enjoyed their holiday and everyone is doing well. have a good week ladies.

weird monday

so today, at playgroup (sofia's favorite monday activity), i realized that this was the last playgroup session i would attend with Sofia, before daughter #2 makes her entrance. from here on out, i have a non-stress test and a sonogram scheduled for every Monday and (non holiday) Thursday until baby is born. that kind of rocked my world. i was aware enough to remind my mom that her shifts at playgroup begin next week when we spoke this morning, but i guess it hadn't really sunk in to my brain yet. it hit me while i was there and i only mentioned it to the one mom that im friendly with, and one of the ladies that runs the group, but i dont think it sunk in with them yet either. i found myself saying "enjoy the holidays" as i left, but i think i was the only one who realized i meant thanksgiving, and christmas/chanukkah, and new years, and probably presidents day too. crazy weird.

um, what else. oh bought a box of ring dings today, i was so happy. it was one of 4 boxes up by the register at a local supermarket. im concerned that they'll cease to exist if hostess cant figure out how to pay their workers well. though, i guess my love for ring dings would be tainted by knowing that the people who create these delectable confections cant pay their bills. i hope it works out for all of us. union workers, i hope you get the financial compensation that you need, so that i can continue to enjoy the wonder that is ring dings.

sprinkle on saturday was great. ate a ton, was very happy. here is one of my fave pics from the day. everything was pretty much perfect. i had even gotten to enjoy a delicious  sangria spritzer before it became further spiked by a rowdy party guest and an undetermined amount of vodka that somehow made its way into the already alcoholic sangria. luckily lovedove had witnessed the act so she was able to save me from drinking the second mini spritzer i had poured. as a punishment to the culprit i dumped my drink down the sink, something i would NEVER do normally, i'd usually find someone else to drink it, but i was mad i couldnt have any more. well, that wasn't necessarily true because my sister heard about the incident and realized that non alcoholics were enjoying the beverage sans vodka, and made another pitcher of "regular strength" sangria for the party guests. i decided it was my cue to just stick to water for the rest of the day anyway. funny note, about an hour after that, my dad who tends to linger around parties at the house and enjoys the company of women (because he's kind of a feminine man, dont tell him i said that but it takes him longer to get ready than an apt full of women) thought  he was being helpful/thoughtful when he later combined the two half full pitchers. le sigh. it was fine, the party was pretty much done anyway. overall a lovely lovely day. got lots of gift cards which was exactly what we need, and not too much new stuff, bc truly we dont need any. we've been storing all new items in the crib, its getting a little full. ill take a pic and post that to prove it (soon, i swear).

tomorrow im doing laundry and then work, weds im cleaning, going for my nst and sono, and heading to work, then its thanksgiving, then we're full speed ahead on 2x weekly dr visits. wow wow wow. i dont know whats crazier, that im already in the single digit week count down to baby, or that this blog has 10,400 page views as of today.

happy thanksgiving everyone!

almost 31w

sooooooo, tomorrow is sprinkle #1 of 2. i totally can't believe it. it truly is the strangest thing how slow the days seem to go, but then all of a sudden you've got less than 65 days (absolute tops) left in your pregnancy. thats. fucking. crazy.

i'm happy that i'll be seeing family and friends tomorrow, but there will be quite a few people absent that i wish could be there. i intend to have a spritzer, maybe 2 if i feel crazy, but i always find it difficult to actually drink an alcoholic drink, as much as i want to.

um, what else? i keep having these here and there nights where i wake up in the middle of the night, usually due to my cgm telling me that my sugar is too low, and then i have a really hard time going back to sleep after i get up to eat/drink something to raise my sugar. last night i was up from 2-4am. i'd say this has been happening probably once a week, but its not too bad, im just even more tired the following day.

today we met with the nurse who works with the diabetic mommies to be/mommies at the hospital. it was our first time in the hospital and it was so tiny compared to the hospital that lovedove delivered at, it felt like we had driven to a tiny hospital in the country/upstate/out of ny. she gave us a super mini tour of the labor and delivery area and im not ogin to lie, i totally got a little freaked out when i saw the bed in the room because i remembered how it breaks down when you're going to deliver and stuff. it was really some kind of trip for the both of us i think. we heard a newborn baby cry from one of the occupied rooms, who was probably a few hours old, or maybe even a day or two, and i thought, omg, we're going to have a little person that makes those sounds very soon. sofia hardly ever cried, she was such a good baby. i just cant wait to meet this little one (clearly i want her to stay in there until she's fully baked) but im so excited.

i've lovingly begun to refer to her as
schnozola, but only ocassionally lol

my nonstress test and sono went just fine yesterday. baby was moving around a lot, kicked the monitors a few times, the nurses are always happy with her heart rate, and that comforts me. my blood pressure has been very good and my sugars have been good too since im adjusting my insulin rates so often. im so glad and thankful to be receiving such wonderful and comprehensive care. the downside of being one of their most frequent clients is that they keep letting jane, the-im-new-at-sonography-so-i-totally-blow-at-this-and-so-do-your-take-home-pics-champion, do my sonograms. i sound like an asshole with these complaints because i get to hear her heart beat and see her weekly, and soon ill be hearing and seeing her twice a week, but .. well no buts. i guess its an asshole complaint.however, im still dying for a 3d/4d sono, i want to get an idea of what her little face looks like! im pretty sure this baby's got a big nose. this is the pic from last week, when i had the pro with 15 years of experience. her hand is usually by her mouth, im assuming she's a thumb sucker like i was. hoping we can convince her to take a binky instead when she comes out.

hoping tomorrow goes smoothly. oh also. we no longer have to meet with the adoption social worker pre-baby, only once she's here. so as much as that might delay the process a little bit, i'm fine with it. having one less home visit might save us some money too. speaking of money, my paycheck wound up decent, not good but enough to pay my monthly payment on my big student loan which is good. thank you clients for showing up. also in good money news, we got checks for the second accident, one refunding the deductible, and the other refunding the rental fee. i was overjoyed to get those. thank you god, and thank you insurance people for doing your jobs well.

looking forward to tomorrow, then its thanksgiving, then its december, my second sprinkle, time for sister-in-law's holiday visit/christmas, new years, and baby time. what?!?! craziness.

trying to get back to normal (kind of an irritated venty rant, you've been warned)

all of this crazy severe nyc weather has made our area turn upside down and for those of us that were not very affected (and those that were), it's been hard to find normalcy again. my work schedule has been turned upside down and i've barely seen any clients in the last 2 weeks. severe weather, the gas shortage, and public transportation disturbances have been the main issues. i've only seen 8 clients and worked 4 days this pay period (usually i see about 4 a night and about 22-26 a pay period). tonight and tomorrow are the last two days in this pay period for me, so im praying for a huge turnout both evenings. as i've mentioned before, i only get paid when clients show up. i could do paperwork for hours, but if my clients dont show up, i dont get paid a dime. needless to say this adds quite a bit of stress to our world, as i had imagined that we'd be able to bank more money on the side for my unpaid maternity leave. whatever, we'll manage.

speaking of financial woes, i've just about had it with disa's vet office. the docp shot, that she needs monthly to be healthy is being given to us at a crazy marked up price. long story short. the drug is called percorten v. wholesale cost of a 4ml vial (in 2009) was $153, which is probably what the vet pays for that size vial, maybe a little more with inflation over the last few years. disa's current dose is 1.9mls, so that vial would have 2 months worth of medicine in it for her. at her injection appt last monday, i was charged $220. i tried to fight it in the moment as we've paid $75 the first 2 times, $130, the 3rd time, and now that. i wasn't going to get all up in arms that day bc i didnt have time or my past receipts. i went back the next day with my other receipts and talked to the bitch who overcharged me. she swore that the other receptionists had undercharged us. possible, but i think people would be losing their jobs if they undercharged a client by $150 twice. i left a message for the owner of the clinic asking to be spoken to about the pricing, and who calls me back? the bitch jen who overcharged us this last time. she's all "i know the medication is expensive, but this is what we charge for a dog that is 68 lbs". um no bitch, you're fucking price gauging, and either you're going to work with me and my family (they've admitted that they only treat about 3{they treat about 10,000 in total} dogs w Addison's disease) and cut a break for the two other families in the neighborhood whose dogs are afflicted with this rare condition, or you're not. we'd love to pay $75, but thats probably the base price w no surcharge for doing the injection, and without any mark up. we'd pay the $130 w no problem. $220? bitch please. show me the math. thats all im asking for is math. show me how you get to $220 when the entire vial (with 2 of disa's monthly doses) costs less than the price you're quoting me for one injection. needless to say im furious and will be trying to see if disa's dr can help us at all with this, or else we're going to have to look elsewhere, which is another headache i dont want to take on. i guess that wasn't long story short. whoops.

other stresses? um how about im almost out of testing strips because my regular endocrinologist doesnt know how to complete paperwork properly and in a timely manner, and im running out of insulin because my insurance company changed some of their providers, and i've been trying to remedy the situation for weeks. today i have to trek to my endo's office to pick up a sample pump and another vial of insulin to hold me over until all of this is resolved. i hate having to do follow up work when its other people's job. just do your job and make sure i have the shit i need. its so stressful. i want this situation to be sorted out already.

baby sprinkle #1 is this saturday. im excited, but a lot of our family guests cant make it bc we're doing it kid free at my mom and dad's apt. its not too large, and we have a ton of little cousins. i dont want any kids around me (to be completely honest, bc im going to be surrounded by our 2 children for the next 18 years, god willing) at my parties, but space was also an issue for my mom. it should be really nice w yummy food. on another grumpy note, my sister asked me what time it starts, when i saw her yesterday. clearly im irritated with that. she's a pretty self centered person in general, which isn't a dig, it kind of just is, but i wish that the party to celebrate my pregnancy, and the upcoming arrival of her second niece was higher up on her list of priorities, that she knew what time it started. ps, she still technically lives at my mom's house, but im pretty sure has not had one second of thought/input contributed to the party planning. that kind of hurts.

speaking of hurting, this week brought some back/lower spinal cord pain, no fun, but only here and there, and it usually goes away by the next morning. my lower pelvic pain continues every other day or so, but i guess its just my body starting to make more room for baby. baby also seems to be head down now so ive been feeling lots more kicks near my lungs which is kind of annoying but cute at the same time.

(i wrote most of this post before 8am... its now 1pm and im just coming back to this)

sofia has been so much of a challenge in the last week. clearly you (if you are us) give a sick kid anything they want when they're sick bc they're so pathetic and miserable and all you want to do is make them happy/see them smile. the down side of that is returning to normalcy with rules, reprecussions, etc. sofia hit me in the face today with a book and it took everything i had not to lose it on her. i kind of just picked her up by her upper arms and grunted at her (i grunt a lot for a human when im mad) then i put her down, and locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes and cried. that was probably 10am. i then needed to dress her, ride out to my endo's office (the amazing nursing staff there gave me 3 bottles of huma.log for which im super duper grateful, not what i usually use but im so desperate ill take anything i dont have to pay out of pocket for) and then to sofia's dr for a follow up. sofia behaved for the most part at the dr, doc said she looked good, gave her a lollipop and a sticker. when we got home i let sofia eat said lollipop, with the one stipulation that she remain seated while she ate it. after 2 warnings and 3 attempts to walk around with her lollipop i threw it out, and locked the garbage can (simp.le huma.n items are amazing) and sat down for a minute to rest. realizing she could not open the garbage can, she intentionally peed her pants.

i am so completly overwhelmed with the constant "to do" list that never gets shorter. im starting to feel scared about parenting 2 kids at once and how much of a change that will be. i am so tired all of the time. the only consolation is that my belly is big enough now that people kind of feel bad for me when they see me in difficult situations. nice people are holding doors open for us (sofia and i), the nurses were extra nice to me today, etc.

all i want to do is nap but i still need to call disa's doctor, go to post office, and find out what the hell sofia is doing in her room instead of what she should/is supposed to be doing, napping.

i want nap time for us both right now.

Liebster (completed/part 2)

Ok, i have a few minutes to actually devote my attention to this so here goes. First i'll answer the questions asked of me - im trying to figure out which ones to answer, since i was asked 2 sets, i might just pick my favorites and mix them up. here goes...

1. (from Meela) Favorite Christmas tradition?

My personal favorite Christmas tradition in my family is when my dad breaks out his guitar and we all begrudgingly take a slip of paper out of a gift bag in order to figure out who gets what part in the 12 days of Christmas. It's always a semi-tone deaf rendition, but it's always hysterical and i treasure Christmases when my Uncle Joe (who is in his upper 80s, the one who got married when i was about 8 weeks in) is able to make the drive from PA, so that he can sing the part of 5 golden rings. No one does it quite like him.

2. (from Meela) Worst gift you've ever been given?

has to be this weird item that we couldn't identify that was given to us as a wedding present, from someone who i knew practically my entire life, and is coincidentally no longer a friend lol. it seemed like it might be a ceramic vase of some sort, but it had holes throughout, and a top. it was similar to this, but had a top, and was wayyyyy uglier. one night we got drunk (because all we did the summer after we got married was party, it was a glorious time) and smashed it in the walkway on the side of our house. we cleaned it up the next day.


3. (from Mamma V.) Something you cant live without.

My insulin. literally. on a less serious note, chocolate.

4. (from Mamma V.) If given the ability to change one thing in this world what would you choose?

Honestly, probably money, or the concept of it. It is way too important in this world and too many of us struggle to earn so little of it and the people who have it don't give a shit about the people who dont. I think it makes the world uglier than it needs to be. this is a vague answer but money bothers me, and not just bc i dont have a ton of it, just because of what it does to people and their minds.

5. (from Meela) Something I'm proud of.

I'm really proud of my accomplishments. I've always been a planner and i am pretty passionate about the things i want to accomplish in my life. I knew i wanted to go to college, become a lifeguard, have a family, become a social worker, be a good mom, become a bio-mom, etc. So far i've been able to accomplish most of the things on that list and I'm proud of that. I'm glad that my words have weight when i talk about my plans for my life, and significant others in my life have mentioned that they see the follow through once i set my mind to something. So ultimately i guess i'm proud of myself. that sounds pretty snobby, but i am. i know that i worked hard for all of those things.

6. (from Meela) Worst habit.

um, refusing to do kegals. sneezing continues to be a challenge for my undergarments. lovedove laughs at me when i admit to her when my sneezes get the best of me, and keeps telling me to just start doing them, but im such a slacker. ugh, i know im going to continue to pay for that, whatever.

7. (from Mamma V.) Any regrets in life?

i thought about this for a bit, and i like to think that i dont have many, if any, but i will admit that i made some poor-ish choices in my friendships and young/short-lived dating life. i know that i have wasted too much of my time and effort in the past, allowing my heart to hurt longer than it needed to when i have lost friends. i have tried in the past to hold on to friendships for far too long and i hope that i've learned from that part of my life and its over. also, i hurt lovedove quite a bit unnecessarily early on, but i was sowing some very minor wild oats. not that it excuses anything, but they were very minor oats and it was only for a very limited time.

8. (from Mamma V.) Best trait/worst trait.

I'm generous.

I'm a scatterbrain (as you know from my posts)/severe procrastinator/struggle with sequence of events (my kindergarten teacher wrote it on my first report card).

9. (from Meela) A food i dont like.

This is a real challenge because there aren't many. Fennel.

10. (from Mamma V.) 3 people i'd love to have dinner with, living or dead.

amy winehouse, to thank her for her music.
president obama, to thank him for his respect.
my grandma, because i'd love to see her one more time.

11. (from Meela) Favorite jelly bean.

Margarita Jel.ly Bel.ly.


done! and the nominees are....................(i know some of you have already been nominated, please just take the compliment and dont feel like you need to answer more questions if you're not in the mood to)

1. Little One Still to Come - Meela feels like a friend I've known for a long time from her posts. Her family lives in Australia and already consists of 2 mommies, 2 daughters, and a few fur babies. They're trying to add one more to the mix!
2. Mamma V. - An Italian mom on her way to becoming a bio mom, with a toddler almost the same age as Sofia.
3. Crazy Lesbian Mom - I've been reading this blog since I started "stalking" bloggers and now we're pretty much side by side in our pregnancies. She's wonderful and honest and uncensored (as all of my nominees are) about her ttc process and life in general.
4. Our Road to Motherhood - Another lesbian couple with fur baby children, on their ttc journey.
5. Breathe, Dragon! - Ruby and Rose chronicle their attempts for baby number 2 after being successful in their quest for their first.
6. Two Girls' Path to Parenthood - Married California ladies who are already moms to their almost 3 year old, let us follow them through their path to baby #2.
7. Delightful Insanity - very busy lady Amanda tells us all about her pet parenting and her ttc hopes.
8. Love Shack Baby - Philly couple working their way through life and heading towards parenthood with honest emotion and fur babies of course!
9. The Hetero-Lesbian Translation Guide to Pregnancy - One Hopefully Preggo Lesbo writes about being a married lady in New Hampshire and the frustrations of ttc.
10. Opening the Door - Another blog i have been following forever. They recently welcomed their first baby girl and all are doing great!
11. The Cornfed Feminist - An Iowa native who traveled a long road to pregnancy, chronicled her pregnancy in hilarious detail, and just entered the world of motherhood. Huge congrats!

Phew. Now I have a date with Sofia in the (soon to be) girls' room to play Play-Doh.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

L is for...

learning and Liebster! clearly Sofia and i have been reading her alphabet books often. first I'd like to thank Meela and Mamma V. for nominating me for the Liebster, im totally honored, especially since this blog is pretty much never grammatically correct. that how Lazy (another L word haha) i am. woo hoo i feel like an accomplished blogger! i'm excited to pass on the honors, but i'll get to that in a little bit. this post has the potential to be very, very Long. i'm not sure why that is, i guess i just have a Lot on my mind. ok, i'll end the L stuff.

um where to start.. how about daylight savings time, that just started. there is no way to explain this phenomenon to a toddler. i mean, there might be, but we didn't even try. needless to say we were up way early with Sofia yesterday and i'm kind of afraid of how long it will take her to get on the new clock schedule.

speaking of Sofia, a few updates. she's really begun to be a bit terrible, as the 2 year old territory suggests. she is all about pushing boundaries and testing limits lately, which is exhausting. i will continue to work on picking my battles with her, but its not that fun. especially when she is throwing a tantrum with a mouth full of chewed up whea.t thi.ns and i tell her to swallow so that she doesn't choke, and she spits it on the floor. clearly she earned a time out there, it was gross and i was semi furious. also, the potty. as i suspected, the potty perfection we were experiencing was too good to be true long lasting. she has really been struggling, and by struggling i mean asserting control over her body (as she is still allowed to do under the current administration - whoops i hardly ever talk politics here) and refusing to go when we ask her to. this has led to several "accidents" aka on-purposes, usually just urine, but once in a while she gets extra spiteful and shits herself. LOL. thanks little love, those moments are truly stinky disgusting joyful. we've also gone back to having a hard time staying dry during nap time and overnight. she had been able to be successful a few times, but i think the novelty of all of that wore off once the candy/rewards stopped rolling in after the inital successes. i'm not really worried about any of this, she's only 26 months old, and usually she's pretty good during the day. lovedove is a little more frustrated which i understand because she was doing so well, so we know that she could do really well if she was willing, key word, to.

(i'm going to do the other half of the liebster stuff in an additional post, my brain is too full this week to actually answer questions and get my ish together enough to nominate others. i want to give that stuff my full attention, and my attention span is just not there right now.. here's why)

so sofia got croupe this week. started monday with a slight cough when she was laying down for naptime, and by 3:30am tuesday morning she was up and completely miserable. she did sleep for a little bit until like 5, but then she was up for the day. i on the other hand could not go back to sleep. this was our tuesday. took sofia to the doctor at 11. dropped her off at Gma's house at 12. took lovedove to the dr at 1245. picked up sofia and went home around 3:30. went to argue with the receptionist at the vet over the price we paid for disa's monthly shot (it was 3x the amount we paid for the same exact medication the first 2 months, this issue is still not resolved), went to cvs to find out that sofia's prescriptions were not sent in correctly. went home to eat something, went to work, then went to cvs and waited for an hour and a half for her prescription. all after being up since 3.30 in the morning. i was sooo over tired. oh and i forgot to mention that monday after work i went to wait on a gas line. yup gas line, google the gas situation in ny if you're not familiar with the post hurricane chaos. it was a successful trip, only waited 90 minutes and was able to fill up my tank which was a win-win situation for me.

sofia has been on antibiotics for an "ear infection" that we dont think she has. she's excellent at letting us know when something hurts her, and she hasn't said a word about her ear but we're giving her the meds anyway. she's been on steroids for a few days to treat the croupe and they make her totally insane/disobedient/more irrational than usual. we've been cutting down the dose and tonight is the last time we're giving it to her. she's not having difficulty breathing and we really dont feel that she needs it. plus the rx he wrote has a $200 copayment, which is clearly ridiculous and we didnt fill that rx. he had given us a sample bottle, and when thats gone, we're done with that. her pediatrician seems kind of heavy handed with the meds, hence why we only take her to the doctor if she needs to go. my mother (gma) on the other hand, thinks that we should take her to the doctor every time she has a minor fever or a cold. gma also believes that not wearing socks when its cold outside will make you get sick, so clearly i take medical advice from her with a grain of salt.

yesterday i had my second non stress test. i love the tests, i am not so in love with finding care for sofia constantly. and its only going to get worse until baby gets here. once i hit the 32 week mark (end of this month) i'm going to be going for non stress tests twice a week. i totally hate needing that much childcare for her, but there is no way she would agree to sit nicely for an hour plus while i have a nst and sono, twice a week. whatever, people know i need help at this point, hopefully they all just step up when i reach out for help. (so much more i could say here but im trying to end this post so that i can gather my thoughts for the next ones)

on another difficult note, i didnt wind up going to work weds and thurs this week, and i saw only a few clients on monday and tuesday. the weather was atrocious on weds and only one was coming in, and on thurs only one was coming in. not even worth the gas in what they would pay me. my paycheck is going to suck again. im glad we saved some money when my checks were larger bc anything i am making is being completely eaten up by bills. its dumb to be stressed about money, when people just miles from us lost everything they had in the storm, but everything is relative i guess.

anyway, im going to end this. if sofia naps today i will post again with all the things i promised in this post.

things are getting crazy and hectic now, ill be 30 weeks on sunday. f-ing nuts.

28w5d

that number sounds scary because as far away as baby still seems, everyone keeps reminding me im in the "home stretch". technically theres about 11 weeks until our due date, but there's only 2 weeks until my family sprinkle, and about a month until our friend/bachelor party/pinup/sprinkle. then its almost christmas and new years, and i feel like after new years, i'm going to be so ready to meet this baby. i know that the rest of this time will most likely fly, but it doesn't feel that way on a daily basis. people are still telling me that i barely look pregnant, and i've determined the cause. i can't remember if i've given my reasons before, but here they are.. 1. i'm not a small person to begin with. 2. my boobs are pretty huge. i try not to refer to them as huge, as i have seen women with bigger boobs, but my boobs are pretty big, and right now they are probably the biggest they've ever been. so given my bigger frame and my huge boobs, my belly barely protrudes past my boobs (at this point), so it gives the illusion that im not that big. whatever, i know i'm showing, i certainly feel my belly size when im moving around. oh, and ive officially begun to annoy myself. i feel like i cant stand up, sit down, bend over, etc without grunting or making some kind of noise that matches the additional effort required to complete the task at hand due to my increased body mass. last night i did it so often while getting onto and off of the couch that i was pretty frustrated with myself. its kind of a funny thing.

i was able to reschedule my sono and nst (non stress test) yesterday and lovedove was able to accompany me since nyc schools are still out. i'll come back to hurricane Sandy and her aftermath. the non stress test was fine, and pretty enjoyable, as all it entails is them strapping 2 fetal monitors to my belly, having me sit in a recliner with my feet up for 20-30 minutes, and pushing a little button when i feel baby move. the nurse said baby's heart rate looked great, and i was happy that they were happy. then i had my sonogram with the newbie again. needless to say, she still sucks. didn't even give me any pictures, which is pretty much fine, because i rather not have crappy sono pics where baby looks like an alien, when i know that she is looking more person-like every day. whatever, im just glad that she is measuring on time and is still smack dab in the middle of the charts. second sono in a row where she is in the 50th %ile, making her perfectly average. honestly i feel like i hope she comes out a little chunky, but that might not the smartest hope since i'd prefer to deliver vaginally. whatever, we all know that i only care about our health in the end.

on to Sandy and her aftermath. luckily, no one i know was hurt in the storm. power lost, yes, many of my friends and family are still without power. damage to homes, yes. one friend's backyard shed wound up in her neighbor's tree. my aunt and uncle had a tree in front of their house fall on the house and a large branch came crashing through their bedroom window, luckily they were downstairs. the worst damage of any friends  i know have to gut the entire first floor of their home, where most of their possessions were. i know how much work they put into that home when they bought it and i feel so sad that they'll have to do it again. they seem to be hanging in there though, and amazingly their spirits seem semi high as they have seen the devastation elsewhere. they've already begun the clean up process, and if i wasn't 7 months pregnant, i'd be jumping in to help. today lovedove and i are going to plow through our closets to find clothes to donate. we plan to donate a bunch of baby clothes since we have so many and we already have our favorites from when Sofia was little. the whole thing is so strange. we didn't lose power for a second. other people lost everything in one second. just a few miles from here, 100 homes burned down in the midst of the hurricane, and in my neighborhood we have power, working stop lights on our streets, and just a few big trees down. once i leave the neighborhood/turn on the tv i can see the more extensive damage, but it feels like im seeing/watching coverage of a different world. im just so thankful that we were so fortunate, and im going to make sure our family does what we can to try to make the healing process easier for families who were not so fortunate.

with that said, ill end this post. wishing everyone a lovely weekend, and praying that those who need assistance in the tri-state area get it quickly. ug. its just so sad.