did i mention bumps in the road?

i did, right? i said how i've already hit several, and how i hoped i wouldnt hit m/any more? well guess what everyone... we've hit another one. completely unrelated to my in/fertility, body, doctors, etc. when ill be ovulating in april, when we would have done an egg retrieval and a transfer, is precisely the week that the room they use to do these procedures at my doctor's office is closed for scheduled maintenance/sterilization/etc. fuck me. honestly. and i know that in the grand scheme of things just one more month wont really matter, but why the fuck didnt anyone tell me that we might run into a scheduling problem in april? it would have been helpful to mention that when i was scheduling 6 appts in 16 days to try to squeeze all of the prep visits into march so we would be ready for april.

im just so angry to be blindsided again. i cried my eyes out again yesterday (briefly), it was a combination of rage, frustration, and impatience. like i said, i know in the long run i wont care, but it just seemed like things were going to work out just perfectly if i was able to have a successful try in april. my wife would have been off from work and able to accompany me to the egg retrieval & transfer, and then if all went well we'd have a healthy baby in december, right around when she is off for 2weeks. pushing the first try back to may, according to my fertility friend mobile app, we'd find out if im preggers on or right before our 5 year anniversary. which would either be the best thing ever and God would be laughing in my face about how hard we tried to plan everything and him giving us that miracle on our anniversary would be funny and wonderful, or a very sour note right around our anniversary. clearly, we're crossing our fingers that there are no more obstacles or timing mishaps, and that we're able to try in may, and get good news later in may.

its obvious to me that ive had a day to handle the news as yesterday i was feeling pretty shitty. nothing put this brief timing obstacle in perspective for me more than a coworker's story (about a friend of hers). she tells me she has the saddest story ever to tell me, so i tell her not to tell me. she tells me anyway. her friend gave birth to a full term baby girl early in february. right after the baby was born it was clear she would have some issues. long story short, she was born with many congenital defects and her organs were not functioning properly. she passed away at just a few weeks old. my coworker went to the wake/funeral. i was almost balling. how can anyone live through something like that?? ill trade any long road i need to travel to never have to go through something like that, or even know anyone who goes through something like that. holy moly. rest in peace little angel. oh my god. what a horror.

so anyway, ill just have to wait a little longer to give this ivf thing a go. ive got a ton of fun stuff to keep me busy in the meantime, and a wonderful family to surround me and remind me of the wonderful things in my life already. i just have to keep telling myself its not a "waste of time" because i should just be living my life in the meantime, not waiting and waiting and doing nothing but waiting. its just hard because next month i will have have this as my primary goal in life for an entire year. working each day to get my sugars to where they need to be, dr visits, etc. whatever, right? im doing a good job planning and checking things off my list. one thing that will probably take a very long time to check off.... develop a higher level of patience.