really? really though...

just got back from my water sonogram and guess what?! more surgery is needed. honest to God. am i not supposed to have children? are all of these obstacles God saying to me " hey lady, you're a lesbian for a reason"? i am so discouraged and so angry, i almost cant believe it.

today's discovery is that i have 1 or 2 uterine polyps. the water sonogram was absolutely fine. i was pretty nervous about it, its just more wet than a regular sonogram. no additional discomfort. no additional time. i was glad about that. i was worried for nothing. that hardly ever happens in this fucking tale im telling.

my question is... why the fuck didnt we do this simple test earlier?? how about before the first surgery? how about after it? how about any other fucking time other than 6 months into my actual ttc process?? it was so damn simple, why the hell didnt we do this test earlier? as some of you may know, ive been planning this pregnancy (whenever it happens) for a year now. i have cried so many tears, spent a boatload (for us) of $ in copays/injections/sperm/my surgery deductible, spent a whole lot of fucking time/gas/energy going to and from all of my monitoring/inseminations/procedures, and im fucking tired. and now im angry too. not a good combo. im so upset that if i could call out of work tonight i probably would, but i have a really important session with a client and her dad tonight and i would feel terrible if i cancelled last minute. they'll just have to look at me all puffy eyed and gross. whatever. plus i need all of the income i can get at this point, and unfortunately in the part time/fee for service world, if there is no "service" proveded, i get no dinero. speaking of dinero, we joked about naming a potential son Dinero, or even Cash after all of this. (i hope you know we're joking, as much as we wouldnt want to name our potential son something very overdone and tired, we would not be naming him either of those two, even though it would be hysterical).

my brain is just becoming so jaded. sometimes i feel like many of the blogs i follow are ones i can barely relate to anymore bc everyone is getting pregnant (trust me im very happy for them, but im also just very jealous). and i feel like im facing so many obstacles just getting pregnant, that im scared for what will happen when i actually do get pregnant. like all of these negative "what if"s in my head keep happening, how am i supposed to have good energy going forward when i have a history like this?

i feel like today's only silver lining is that we had already learned last week that april was going to be another skipped month. im hoping that this is the final hurdle on my path to getting pregnant. i have barely googled anything about it yet, but the procedure seems to be a d&c and many women talk about little to no recovery time. i hope i can be like them. im so tired of crying angry/sad tears. for the record i dont actually cry that much over this stuff, its usually just reactionary crying, and then some tears when wifey and i discuss it. she has been so supportive throughout this whole ordeal. even when i get upset about the money of this whole thing, she insists i have to carry our next baby. i dont know what i would do without her support. i also dont know what i would do if Sofia wasnt the cutest, sweetest, most well behaved 18 month old ive ever met. shes been an angel through all of my car rides to/from appts and she almost always sits quietly in her stroller while medical professionals place various objects in my vagina. one day when shes old engouh, ill embarrass the hell out of her with these stories, hopefully her little brother or sister will laugh along with us.

"i like to keep my issues drawn, its always darkest before the dawn."
ill have to shake it out and keep on trucking.