settling into the new plan

last night was our ivf orientation meeting. luckily for lovedove and i, we google a lot of crap and are pretty informed about the process so there was not that much new information. i liked the woman that presented and the crowd wasn't huge. we were the only same sex couple there but there was also a young woman who we assumed(yes i know what happens when you assume) was there with her mother because they had the same exact face, so she seemed to be the other "non-traditional" participant or whatever. i was certainly the youngest because at 28 who the hell would think you need ivf? im still shocked that this is my best option because i never thought i'd have this much trouble.

 it was a 2 hour session which didnt feel too long because this woman provided a ton of information in her presentation and sent us all home with a hard copy so that we didnt feel like we needed to write every little detail down. im a bit intimidated by the packet of consent forms, as there are about a million of them. i havent read any of the ones in the packet yet, but im sure ill have to sign off on the fact that im ready and willing to endure whatever horrible side effects/medical mishaps may come. i love that, reminds me of when we signed the papers that determine who gets Sofia should we both die simultaneously in some freak accident. although the woman did discuss the ART (assisted reproductive technology) boarding pass, which includes the participant deciding what happens to any frozen embryos in the event of her death. we had a very brief conversation about that in the car on the way to dinner afterwards, id want her to use my eggs/embryos, or at least to have the option to do so. she said she'd have no idea if she'd be strong enough to do that, but at least she'd have the option. so morbid, ugh.

i think we left feeling ok overall. we waited around to see if i had been "cleared" yet to begin, and she said she thinks that she just got an email today that i was cleared. once you're cleared you get assigned a nurse who is like your buddy through the whole process. im in (medical provider professional) love with Gail so im crossing my fingers for her. she has known the answer to every question ive ever asked her. i hope that any other nurse who shares her position would be just as good. my other medical provider professional crush is on sharon, i think that was her name. working closely with either of them would make me overjoyed and probably a lot more calm. i should hear from someone by the end of the week.

so i have a ton of phone calls to make today. i have to call my insurance company and figure out what the fuck is up with my injectables coverage, as we have it, but they've never paid for fucking anything. clearly im angry about this. im crossing my fingers that i get on the phone with an intelligent person who can tell me whats up, and im dreading the fact that im pretty sure they are going to say i need to use freedom fertility (my history with them is summed up here). whatever it is, ill have to deal with, so hopefully one way or another i get some answers today.

tomorrow is my appointment with the diabetes in pregnancy center. im assuming, yes i assume kind of often, that they are going to make me repeat my bloods, 24 hour urine, and ekg. i plan on telling them how disappointed i am in the way they've handled my "case" thusfar (can be read here) and im sure ill be calm and polite but get my point across. i actually think im very good at expressing frustration and disappointment in a very professional way. its probably because i work with underachieving (codeword for LAZY) teenagers constantly and ive had terrible bosses in the past. but im not really looking forward to that appointment for any other reason than to be able to check it off of my to-do list, and add whatever tasks they want me to complete. i really work so well off lists. my brain isnt organized enough to make a mental list, i honestly need it on paper. then i actually need to be able to cross stuff off. its a very dumb thing, but i feel like i havent accomplished stuff until i can cross it off a list. the same way that i feel the need to put a slash through each day on my calendars. i feel like thats weird.

anyway, i may as well get going on those phone calls, they aren't going to dial themselves.

oh the last thing i want to address. i think ive had it with the secrecy of this process. what is the point of me trying to hide this from people who are significant to me in day to day life? why should i shield them from the crap that is my infertility struggle? i feel like im only perpetuating society's hush hush crap about personal struggles. i think im going to tell my close coworkers, as they've been asking me whats wrong (when i show up all puffy eyed at 4pm), and tell my mom she can spread the word in the family. im hoping they'll all have and use adequate judgement and wont ask me where im at every other day, i hope im not giving them too  much credit. i should probably spell out that ill tell them stuff when i want to/need to, and would rather not have them ask randomly. yea ill probably do that.

 im pretty sure that my cousin had some fertility issues but everyone only whispered about it. she/they wound up with fraternal twins, my mind has always wondered about how that happened. if her stuff had been more public, maybe i could have found solace in talking to her through this. i dont want to be another person who's trouble with reproducing is something to be kept quiet. yet again, ill have to advocate for another subgroup of the population that i (involuntarily) belong to. i know that not everyone wants to share their stories all the time, but i think i do, and im ready to break out of my blogging-only-silence.

how have all of you handled this?