just in case things were getting boring

things are going well, i sold my car, im about to start my summer work schedule, and ill be 11 weeks pregnant on wednesday. sounds peachy, no? well add a little torrential rain, an average 10 minute commute by streets to work, and just one asshole and what do you get? a car accident. thankfully i saw it coming when the guy began to try to cut me off (he was trying to get out of the backed up left-turn-lane and into my, steadily moving, middle lane) and was able to maneuver my car enough to the right to avoid any major injury to me or the other guy. there was no major impact, i kind of just got sandwiched in between this guy on my left, and a speeding UPS truck on my right. the ups truck kept it movin, didn't brake or stop, eh what did he care he's driving a commercial vehicle and there was probably little to no damage to his truck. needless to say i pulled my car over and marched over to this guy's window like a mad woman. i must have screamed a few obscenities and then follow with "tell me you have insurance you jackass", clearly, still yelling. he wound up to be a very nice person, just made a poor driving decision, but i was furious for a good 5 minutes while i called lovedove, my parents, and the cops. i tried to calm myself down quickly as i didn't want to be that amped for too long. i was thankful that there really was no impact or anything, the seat belt didn't tighten at all so im just trying to be thankful for how the situation turned out. no one was hurt, its all just cosmetic crap that can be easily fixed. accidents happen all of the time, thats why we have insurance. so long story short, he made a mistake (and admitted he was totally wrong, even to the cops), i did a good enough job driving defensively to avoid major injury, and all this will cost is some money. im just thankful and relieved that it wasn't worse. i drop the car at the shop tomorrow morning, so we'll be down to 1 car which is fine bc lovedove's last day of work is weds. i hope the repairs dont take long, i love our "new" car. oh yea i forgot to mention that i was driving the car that was handed down to us from my dad, exactly one month prior.

since i didnt make it in to work yesterday, im officially done working mondays until the school year picks up again, yipee hooray! im hoping this week goes fast, because i know next week will go fast, clearly im in a rush to get to our 12 week sono next friday. i want to see and hear that things are still going well. im also excited for lovedove to finally be able to attend a sono appt with me. she was there for the first one at 6 weeks, but there was not that much to see at that point. im excited for summer, we have tons more family time together, and we also have 2 nearly back to back vacations planned for late july and early august. i know that we have so much fun stuff scheduled that the summer will fly, im just looking forward to so much of it.

im slightly concerned about the vacation with my side of the family.while we, my mother, my sister, lovedove and i, were at my cousin's bridal shower this weekend, my sister picked a fight with me on behalf of my mother (PS - they're simultaneously arch enemies, and identical personalities). then she told me that i've been bitchy lately. really? i'm a medically complicated, first time pregnant lady, TRYING TO GROW A HEALTHY HUMAN. wtf have you been up to lately other than running your mouth? in all honestly, i have been irritable and overwhelmed lately, what first time high risk person isn't? my family just does not get the concept of emotional support. i've always tried to communicate my feelings and emotions to my family members, but it always seems pointless. in one ear and out the other. im hoping i can survive 4 uninterrupted SOBER days with them.

one more family thing before i move on. my aunt has a 4th of july celebration each year. this year she moved it to saturday because the 4th is on a weds and apparently weds is not a festive enough day. well sat, the 7th, happens to be lovedove's birthday. we declined the invite to the celebration because we have birthday plans. what an uproar this caused. my aunt is trying to move the celebration from the 4th to the 7th now to the 14th, just so that we will be able to attend. i'm sure this is all because no one ever gets "enough" time with Sofia. yes, she does command attention, and she is a great funny smart little kid, but we didn't create her for everyone else's enjoyment. we created her so that we would be able to have our own family. the fact that we are so sharing of our time is a lovely thing, we enjoy family time, but i don't need people to change their party plans just so we can attend. its a lot of pressure, and its annoying. i told my aunt i didnt expect this much of a guilt trip from my one non-italian aunt. im just annoyed and venting but there has been an abnormally large amount of family shit lately.

anyway, my nausea seems to have faded for the most part and only attacks me occasionally now. no amount of sleep seems to be enough, ever, and i still want every food item i see, hear about, etc.

we had a very nice pride day on sunday, the weather was just about perfect, and i made it through the walk with the NYCGBL without having to pee or getting dehydrated. i was in bed before 10 that night as the walk is 1.8 miles long. it was lovely and i would have been really disappointed not to participate. i really do think it is the most proud i feel of our life each year. lovedove and i get to walk down 5th ave, hand in hand, with lovedove's mom pushing sofia in the stroller. it makes me so proud, and i cant wait to do it each year.

for anyone wondering the dog is all better, thank god, but has remained itchy. that is the least of our worries though as she is back to eating normally and playing the way she usually does.

2012 has officially been the most expensive year(6 month period) ever for us. clearly the bulk of our expenses have been fertility stuff and surgery/unpaid recovery time, throw in the new/used car, yesterday's accident, the dog's switch to more expensive food (more agreeable on her tummy), her random ear infection/illness, and the tickets we just purchased for our vacation to california, and its just been a lot. we live on 1.5 incomes but somehow we're making it work.

sofia will be up soon, i should do the things around the house i need to do while i still can. will check in again soon. im thankful to have vented, and there's sofia... "mama..... where are you?". duty calls.

10w2d (yay, double digits!)

this week has been so jam packed with stuff. sunday was father's day, monday and tuesday were normal i guess, i have nearly no recollection of them, plus the weather wasn't atrocious yet. wednesday we completed the sale of my car and then had a pool day before i was off to work. sofia is doing awesome in the water, 2 springtimes of swim lessons are paying off! thursday was nuts, dropped sofia off to stay and swim with her (aunt) DeeDee, and i was off to my first doctors appointment. the dr is SUPER nice, clearly experienced and confident, and acted like she had all the time in the world to sit and get to know me. cue me being in love. i was thrilled that she gave me a to-do list including another 24 hr urine sample (HATE), another ekg (no prob), and an eye appt with my eye dr (no prob). she did mention to me that due to my diabetes, i have to be careful about my blood pressure, which thankfully ive never had a problem with before. there is a possibility for gestational hypertension, which in its worst cases can lead to preeclampsia aka toxemia and can result in several terrible things that i dont want to let my brain know about, even though it already does. i was glad that she mentioned this to me as i'm a big believer in the earlier i know about something, the better equipped i am to deal with it/work to prevent it. she liked that i was proactive in controlling my diabetes with a pump and a cgm (probably too physically annoying for most, i swear one day ill post pictures of my devices) and hopefully the 15 tubes of blood they pulled will show her how good of control i have. i haven't been told of my A1C reading since march when it was 5.8, i would love for it to be lower now. I can probably ask when i go back for my nuchal in 2 weeks.

im a little worried about the nuchal bc a friend found problems at that scan with her first 2 pregnancies, right around when we were pregnant with sofia, and another friend recently had a scare after the nuchal, but baby turned out just fine and perfect in the end. im trying to tell myself there is no need to worry, and if they do see something to worry about, we'll just deal with it then. whatever will be will be, it is what it is.

today we've already had breakfast with sofia's nonna, hit up kmart for a put-on-the-grown-up-potty-potty seat (we dont think sofia is going to use a "kiddie" potty) shes seems to be much too stubborn for that. once lovedove is out of work for the summer we are going to start "trying" to see if she's ready to potty train. i have plans for lunch to see a former coworker who is expecting VERY soon (missed the shower), then the dog has another vet appt at 5, and then we have friends coming over to sit around and bs in the evening. im exhausted just thinking about it. 

tomorrow we have my cousin's bridal shower, which im looking forward to and i think will be lovely, although i wish i looked pregnant. i totally dont at all, which i guess is fine bc i feel pregnant most days (with huge sore boobs and/or nausea) and im starting to be more confident that we're on the road to success.

anyway, just wanted to pop in and update about the dr visit. hope everyone is feeling good! fingers crossed for ladies who are waiting!!

the undeniable signs

first on my list today, is the most painful stretch mark i've ever gotten. i swear none of them have ever hurt me, but given the rapid body changes that can occur during pregnancy, i guess i understand it. i have a few new ones on the underside my left boob, but the one that hurts, is directly in the middle, and its right where the skin stretches from my rib cage. it feels sore randomly throughout the day, when im tossing and turning at night, and whenever else it wants. its already been a few days, i want the soreness to go away, now!

cravings/inability to control my desire for food. i'm not eating like a monster (yet) but i have noticed a few changes in my day to day life. one, i am now stashing food everywhere. my fave cheesedoodles (Jax) in my car, candy in my desk at work, and im responsible for the small amount of junk food that is currently living on top of our fridge/in our freezer. two, cravings. absolutely everything i see on tv in terms of food, i want. cooking shows are torturous for me. even commercials for friggen tac.o bell (which i do not eat) are making me drool with their nacho cheese dori.to taco shells. i want to eat everything i see, or talk about. the other night at work, the night secretary and i were talking about knishes. don't you know that i had to go to the grocery store on the way home to get some. the thought of them was just too incredible, i had to have one, and trust me, it did not disappoint. i'm doing a pretty good job of controlling my sugar levels and i haven't been spiking too high at all. most days im under 170 all day, the weekends are harder though, less controllable food situations (eating at family's houses, chicken wings with super carby delicious sauces), and my timing is usually poorer in making sure to do my insulin 15-20 mins before i eat. but i think i've been doing great, and the fact that your body is doing so much work forming the baby makes insulin resistance a lot lower, and lets me make more use of less insulin. that has been a help for sure, i'm not looking forward to adjusting for the insulin resistance in the 2nd and 3rd trimester. i've read that you can need up to 3x the amount of insulin per day by the end of your pregnancy. thats crazy! on an average day right now im doing 50ish units of insulin, to think i might need 150 to get me through the day by the end of this is completely insane. i'll be going through pods (the insulin pump i use) like crazy. they only hold a little over 200 units, so if it gets to that point, i'll be changing my pod every day and a half. wow, not really looking forward to that.

prego face? i think im starting to look weird in pictures that are taken of me. i (think i) can always tell prego face on others. i don't know exactly what i look for or see in women who are pregnant, but its something with the eyes. i'm not sure if its minor signs of tiredness around the eyes or what, but i think i have it now too. lovedove thinks my nose is getting pointier. i have kind of a polish nose, its pretty round on the end, and now this one thinks its getting pointy. i have no idea but it just sounds weird, and ugly lol.

that might be it for the undeniables.

what else.

oh the dog is sick. im not sure what happened to her. we think it was an ear infection (that we thought cleared up) but it must have gone down into her head more bc her eye got all swollen and she was in pain when she would open her jaw to eat, yawn, play, etc. took her to a local vet (i ususally go to one in the city where i used to work) and they gave us antibiotics, eye drops, and ear ointment. of course i have to pill her/open her mouth and shove a pill down her throat, which hurts her, to administer the antibiotics. its terrible. i cried the first 3 times i had to do it. i pill her every single day to give her pep.cid ac to control her chronic sour stomach, and that is pretty much how we discovered the problem/knew it was serious. i went to open her mouth the other morning and she yelped in pain. i felt terrible. i feel better now that we took her to the vet and got her the meds she needs, but she's still not eating or drinking much at all. this is all so stressful for us, i hope this passes quickly. my poor disa pup. <3

i meet my doctor for the first time this coming thursday. im excited to have another appt and get the ball rolling with a new doctor. i have to find out if i can bring Sofia to the appt though. i know she wasn't/isn't allowed at the sono appts, but i wonder if ill have to find care for her for dr appts too. that is a bit inconvenient but whatever, it will all work out, it always does.

oh, the thing im struggling with lately... i kind of feel like a dope bc im starting to use pregnancy products and im not even out of my first trimester. a few times in the last 2 weeks ive used lovedove's bellabands so that i dont have to button the top button of my pants bc its starting to get uncomfortable. i know that my belly changes have been super slight and lovedove and i are prob the only people that can notice it, but it definitely is starting to change. also i bought a boppy body pillow. i don't know why i have weird issues about using pregnancy items early, i am certainly pregnant, i have the pictures to prove it. just my weird brain i guess.

yea thats it for now. gonna try to rest for a bit before Sofia wakes up again. speaking of that little angel/monster, one of her new things is to ask why. when i ask her nicely to stop doing something or not to do something, she asks why. i tell her. sometimes that answer is followed up by another why. SHES NOT EVEN 2 YET!?! how in the world is she asking why already? i love her so much, my God. oh, the best thing ever yesterday.  it was father's day, i guess grandfather's day in her case, and my dad loves music/instruments etc. he had two different guitars out for the bbq, her little set of drums (seen here), an amp with a mic hooked up, and his harmonica. they played on each one of those one at a time. she even taught herself how to play the harmonica. it was so cute! once she got the hang of it she was doing these mini performances and would wait for her applause! i was afraid she would pass out from breathing so deeply/rapidly at one point but she was really into it. it was so fun. we  had such a great time. oh man she's a great kid, and a hysterical entertainer. we truly are blessed.

gummy bear update

thankfully, yesterday's appointment went very well. i had to go alone, no children are allowed, lovedove had to work, but i was only a little nervous because i've been feeling so crappy, so i was pretty sure things were going well. the sono tech was super nice and the pictures we got were pretty cool. without further delay, here's blueberry 9 weeks in:

i know, meh, just looking blob-ie.

THEN she went into the 3d/4d stuff, and that's when it got really exciting! i didn't even know they could see anything like this, this early.

my little color titles are the body parts she pointed out. i dont think i would have figured any of that out. well i might have, but i don't think i would have thought i was right.

this baby truly does resemble a gummy bear at this point. the sonogram experience was so awesome. i saw the blueberry gummy bear bounce around for a second, saw the heart beating (again) 180 bpm (nice and strong she said), and got to hear it for the first time. it was amazing, she played the audio clip twice for me. i think im still kind of in shock. i understand what pregnant is, and other people understand what pregnant is/means, but i think we tend to forget exactly how much is going on inside our bodies when we are pregnant. its really nuts.

my brain is too scattered to type much more. i needed a change from the crazy follicle party backround from the stim period of our journey. i know this backround is still a little busy, but thats me. i'm not that calm of an energy.

wanted to get these pics up for any interested onlookers.

ps. the pic says gestational age is 8w3d, i guess thats the info from my lmp. the dr said that the baby is measuring 9w, which corresponded exactly with the ivf dates. so im pretty sure im 9w1d today. thats what im sticking to. im not second guessing myself anymore.

9w (until im told different)

i have my 9w sono today and my first visit at Winthrop. im hoping that i fit well there. the only thing that seems like it might be a constant issue that requires attention is their "no children" policy at the appts. its inconvenient for me, clearly, but luckily Sofia's two grandmas have pretty flexible schedules so im hoping i'll always be able to set her up somewhere and then head to the appts. so today i think im just meeting with an ob nurse or someone on the ob staff, and next week is my appt with the doctor.

i keep forgetting to tell you about the insane dreams i've been having lately. i wake up totally entertained by the memory of these.

in the last week, i've dreamt that:
1. i took one hit off of a glass pipe (that looked like a crack pipe) but had mj in it, bc i forgot that i was pregnant, and then remembered
2. was in a bar and drank two beers, completely aware that i was pregnant, and kept telling everyone that it was fine
3. that for some reason, myself, my sister, and one of her friends, had to kill a convicted felon. yes, our job was to kill him, almost with our bare hands. i think i hit him with a textbook and broke his nose, but i kept crying because i didn't want to kill him. it was the strangest dream i think ive ever had. we were in some like empty apartment or some big empty space and we were chasing him and trying to hit him hard with stuff we could find. it was horrible. wtf.
4. that i read a post by 2girlsandababy that they got their bfp and posted a pic. its very odd to me that i now dream of blog stuff.

i cant wait to dream more, i think this is all hysterical.

all of my symptoms seem to be getting stronger. boobs are getting bigger/sorer (when i was measured the other day Motherh.ood maternity, they measured me as an E/F, im usually a DDD, which i guess is technically an E, but i dont let myself think about that bc E sounds enormous, and F just sounds way too close to G and this all scares me greatly) nausea is more present daily but no puking yet, and i now have noticeable cravings/aversions. cravings include cookies and milk (BIG TIME) anything sweet, and chicken nuggets lol, and so far i guess i have some aversions to certain healthy foods that i usually love ie sweet potatoes and artichokes. its odd, i love those usually. so based on all of these factors im expecting good news today. im expecting to see that baby is doing just what s/he should be doing (oh baby's gender is another thing) and hopefully all is going well.

baby's gender. at least one person (who would not have known that i was pregnant unless we told her) swears up and down that she knows im having a boy. people swore up and down that lovedove was pregnant with a boy but all of the old wives tale things we did said girl (we didn't find out Sofia's gender until her birth day). ok, you can have a gut feeling, but i dont understand these people's need to predict a baby's gender correctly. you've got a 50/50 chance of being right, why get so crazy about it? i think i have to find out this baby's gender before the birth day. i really want to know. i wish i could know right now!

8w4d

things i keep forgetting to type: i have had excessive saliva thusfar since the beginning of this pregnancy. its kind of annoying/hysterical. twice in the very beginning i was falling asleep in bed, and like woke myself up choking on my spit. it was ridiculous, and lovedove thought it was hysterical. needless to say it is very strange. i also find myself battling the excessive saliva every so often while im speaking. that is less hysterical for me but equally as hysterical as the first, for lovedove.

symptoms: i continue to be irritable and unfiltered which is annoying to those around me often. i have PLF, pregnant lady fatigue. sometimes all it takes is for me to shower and im exhausted. i actually passed up the chance to go to the beach today because it seemed like too much work with Sofia and im exhausted from 6 hours of driving/being in the car yesterday. it is very un-me to pass up a trip to the beach ever. my grandmother traveled home with us on the 3 hour car ride and unfortunately, she entertained an already exhausted toddler in my backseat (keeping her awake) until slightly after 10pm. i didnt think it was possible to be mad at my 92 year old grandmother, but being pregnant and irritable, i was. i hope i didn't let it show, i love her too much. needless to say sofia slept like crap overnight and into the morning. my boobs are still the most sore they've ever been which is both painful and reassuring. also, i can not get enough sweets. at all. i want cookies, ice cream, and everything else you can think of. my appetite is amazing. after a large hibachi dinner friday, i had some ice cream from cold stone, and was near a joh.nny rockets a few minutes later, and my body wanted a vanilla milkshake. there would have been no where to put it, but i debated it for a split second. it was a very strange moment.

updates: most of my entire family and close circle of friends now know im pregnant. we were at my 87 year old great uncle's wedding (in his backyard in PA) and having everyone in one place at the same time seemed to make it easy to pass along to one family at a time. of course we were met with oodles of congrats and warm wishes, and i just asked everyone to keep their fingers crossed that things continue to go well. i kept telling people that i was "a little" pregnant, and my uncle/Godfather thought i meant that i wasn't even sure if i was pregnant yet. it was funny. so yea, pretty much my whole family knows at 8.5 weeks along. whatever. telling people isn't going to change what fate has in store for us. we're still grateful for getting this far and we're still aware of the risks, as is everyone else.

we told a few more friends, there seem to just be a few stragglers left in the "close friends" circle that dont know. lovedove and i went to hibachi dinner on friday night with 8 girlfriends and 5 of them had already known. so we played telephone (i started the 2nd round) and it was obvious who was hearing "even though most of you know, i'm pregnant" for the first time. it was really hysterical. their reactions were very confused and one friend was said "what? im not saying that!", which raised my eyebrow, wondering if she might be too. we had the greatest hibachi guy and it was before his little show had started, so he said it out loud as the last person in the chain. it was really funny and one of the greatest ways to tell them. fun fun fun. we laughed a ton and my face hurt from smiling.

its been a great weekend. lovedove and i had a date day without the baby, she went to the beach with one of her grandmas. we hit up a bunch of stores for various items and even had lunch out without sof. i bought a boppy body pillow to try to tame my tossing and turning every night. i started wearing lovedove's old bella bands too as my bottoms are starting to get tight as my slight changes in my belly are starting to affect how my pants/shorts fit. i tried on a few nursing bras at motherhood maternity as im figuring i will need comfy bras to get me through this pregnancy and comfy and supportive ones for while im breastfeeding. they have a sale going on, but i couldnt get any now, have to wait for my next paycheck. hopefully i catch the tail end of it.

i have an appt for a sonogram on wednesday and i cant wait to get there. i hope that we see that things are progressing well, and im hoping to actually be given how the baby is measuring and an actual due date. i just want to be assured again that things are fine, and that im still pregnant, not that my boobs/moods dont remind me daily.

hope everyone is feeling good, and that those waiting for their bfps will get them very soon!

8w1d

after feeling completely abandoned by the lack of continuation of care in the medical community (no hard feelings towards my RE, they did their job, very well) i contacted my uncle's niece, who is a CDE, certified diabetic/diabetes educator, at a hospital not much farther from here than the one i really wanted to be delivering at. truth be told, i really wanted to deliver at LIJ because they just renovated the women's wing, and its like a fucking hotel. you get a private room and its super fancy schmancy. every medical person i have spoken to though, has recommended Winthrop's OB dept over LIJ's. given that information, and after weighing what really matters, i figure that i need to be cared for well throughout my entire pregnancy more than i need to be staying in a very fancy room.

so after contacting my family member via email and expressing my frustration, she jumped on board the get-Amy-seen-ASAP train. she has been so supportive and reassuring and has reviewed every little detail with me as she is working on setting up an appt for me in the next few days/week. one thing that i seem to find interesting is that when i was going to North Shore Diabetes in Pregnancy Center, originally (a year ago) they told me that once i was pregnant i would be set up with one of their doctors and i was under the impression that those drs are the drs to do the deliveries. when i went back to get clearance again before my ivf, they informed me that they no longer do deliveries. after speaking with (cousin?) Sharon, she said that apparently this is a common thing recently. the rising costs of malpractice insurance have led to this type of change. apparently, the statute of limitations for a malpractice suit in a birthing situation is 18 years. due to this, high risk ob's are generally not doing the deliveries of their patients anymore. a "hospitalist", whom i assume is an on call doctor with a great deal of experience in birthing babies, will be the one to assist the mother in birthing the baby. does this sound crazy to anyone else? you spend your whole pregnancy working with a particular doctor/set of doctors, and then you get a random personon baby's birth day?? i just hope the person isn't a stranger, like i hope that i will have met them at some point in the next 7ish months. it really boggles my mind, but whatever. truly i dont care who delivers this baby (God willing) as long as baby and I come out the other side of this safe and healthy.  she was able to recommend a female practitioner who comes highly recommended and i think im waiting to hear back on when i can have an appt with her.

i've had it with north shore's bs and run around crap. im ready for a change. Sharon said that once i get started i will have "appointments quite frequently". this is completely fine with me. i think that i rather be monitored closely as that is what i've become accustomed to after going through all of this fertility stuff. i hope i can get in there and get started soon.

my symptoms have been more abundant lately. nausea has come on pretty strongly, but i haven't puked yet. im not sure if i hope i do or not. i find that im most nauseous when im just sitting around doing nothing. i do find myself snacking more to try to cope with the nausea. im fatigued a bunch, and i DO NOT want to get up in the morning. ive continued to have some spotting every few days, but im reminding myself that as long as its not accompanied by "constant painful cramping" that everything is probably fine. ive been feeling less bloated lately which is strange, but i do feel like my belly is starting to change a little, and by little, i mean ever so slightly. anyone hoping for belly pictures, sorry, they wont be around for quite some time. im a pretty chunky monkey so until i feel like a picture of my belly will show you proof of a baby being in there, and not just of past beer consumption, there will not be any. im such a fan of other people's bellies. i love the pics and watching babies and bellies grow!

im glad its thursday already, i mean i felt every day of this week, but it seems to have gone faster than i expected. i have to get the oil in my "new" car from my dad changed. it seems my dad really kept up with the appearance of the car, but was a little lax with the mechanical maintenance. it "growls" when you turn it on after resting for a few hours, we looked into it online, seems to be a model wide glitch. the prob is located in the engine, and a fix seems pretty pricey, but i think we're going to take it in (at some point). i would like to drive that car for the next 20 years, its a honda it certainly has the potential, so we'd like to take the best care of it possible.

overall im feeling good and very comforted when im experiencing symptoms. i've got 4ish weeks left in this first trimester so hit me with your best shot prego hormones! show me that this little blueberry is doing what s/he should!

weekend fun (and a freak out)

after my friday morning madness, i had a friend come over and cooked sofia and I an amazing lunch. then, she also stayed so that once lovedove got home from work, we could run back and forth to the laundromat without having to put sofia in and out of the car seat a thousand times (obvious tip to parents-to-be: friends double as great babysitters). we ended friday on the couch with the shawshank redemption, which i had never seen. clearly an amazing movie, i was glad to finally see it. saturday we were up and out early. had to make a quick trip to the mall for lovedove to search for and purchase a new bathing suit top to match bottoms she recently purchased, and then we were off to a friend's house for our first pool party of the summer. we got there around 2pm and sofia lasted until 8:30! an amazing feat for her at this time of year, she is usually in bed at 7/7:30 but we are going to try to alter her sleep schedule so that she'll be able to be up later during the summer. if we don't she's likely to wake up at or before 7 every morning and who wants that? not me, thats for sure. we really had a great time and it was nice to swim and bbq.

sunday we were up and out early again. we were headed to church, a  place we haven't been able to get to lately due to busy schedules, events, etc, poor excuses i know, but we are only comfortable going to the family mass because we feel like there is more leeway for sofia's behavior. she's usually pretty good as long as we bring things to keep her busy. the unforgettable moment at church was when we went up to receive communion. i always hold her in my left arm and receive with my right. well after i received, sofia decided she wanted to receive as well, and dug her hand into the paten (the plate the eucharistic minister holds with the pieces of the eucharist on/in it) in the split second it took me to bless myself before i began to walk back to the pew! a few pieces fell on the floor and i was mortified. i apologized to the eucharistic minister before we walked away and then i quietly cracked up. lovedove (was ahead of me so she missed the whole thing) and couldn't believe it when i told her what happened. i wonder what the people behind me thought. o geez. it did provide us with a few laughs. what better reason is there to ask for God's forgiveness lol.

after church we headed to a local gay pride event (June is Gay pride month) and met up briefly with a few friends. we kind of did our own thing though as our friends stayed in bars (the common non-family way of celebrating), and we walked around the festival, the family version of celebrating gay pride. lovedove, sofia, and i shared a smoothie, some watermelon, and a lemonade and watched some of the parade. all of that walking, plus braving the subway steps, and i was exhausted when we got home. we were home by 3:30pm and i was ready for bed by about 6. i stayed up and just layed on the couch and watched tv with lovedove. my night did include a trip to cvs for snacks i was craving.

our lovely weekend seemed to come to a screeching halt in the early evening when i discovered some slight spotting. i'm used to seeing some brown/tan discharge, sometimes even a little pink, but this time it had a little bit of red in it. fast forward to my brain going to worst case scenario and i was pretty paranoid for the rest of the night. it was only a single episode in the bathroom, but it was a color i haven't seen yet and it freaked me the fuck out. i dreamt about trying to get into some kind of clinic for them to give me a sonogram and tell me that everything was fine, but when i got there they treated me for an ear infection. go figure. needless to say, i slept really poorly, called the practice im trying to become a pt at to see if there were any openings for new pts (and told her.. the same moron i spoke to on friday... that i had some spotting) and she told me no, to just keep calling to see if there are cancellations. after that phone call i placed a call to my fave nurse at my RE's office just to get her advice. should i wait around at this place for the next 2 weeks, or should i seek treatment elsewhere? im waiting for her call back now, i dont expect to hear from her until the afternoon. sigh. i just hope everything is ok.

i think im 7w5d today, and i feel like 8 weeks pregnant sounds truly pregnant. i just feel like every day is so long and all i want to do is tack on more days to this pregnancy and hope that soon ill be less of a nervous wreck. im really not sure if i will get to that point at any point in my pregnancy but i hope i do.

at this point in time i have zero doctor appointments this week, but i do have plans for weds and thurs during my non working hours. as much as i dont look forward to going to work, it does seem to be the best option for me to not think about myself or this pregnancy for a few hours. i still feel mildly nauseous throughout the day and a few times this has made eating challenging. other than that im fatigued, my boobs are larger than ever, and im irritable and have no filter as far as what comes out of my mouth. its interesting to experience.

im tired of typing so im sure you're tired of reading, but thats whats going on. hoping to feel shittier and shittier as the days go on so that i can be more assured that things are going ok with the blueberry.

i must be in a mood today

i guess im just grumpy today. sofia was annoying the crap out of me from 7-8am, i guess bc she wouldnt let me sleep (on the couch next to her) through sesame street. whatever. then i put her down for a nap and shes good about that. then im happy again. i sit down and find the number for the ob i want to go to and i call. i explain to the receptionist im a type 1 diabetic, i did ivf, and im pretty sure im 7 weeks pregnant. she tells me that based on my lmp, that im only 6 weeks. i tell her that i just had a sono yesterday and the dr was able to see a heartbeat. she insists that based on whatever wheel they use, im only 6 weeks pregnant, which to her means that i dont need to be seen immediately  (they had an opening today that she opted NOT to give me). she tells me one of the doctors is out on maternity leave so they're a little shorthanded. they dont have an opening for a new patient until the 19th of June. another fucking 2ww are you kidding me? i take the appt for the 19th and she tells me to call sporadically to try to catch them on a day where there is a cancellation. LADY, WTF CANT YOU JUST PUT MY NAME ON A POST IT AND CALL ME WHEN SOMETHING OPENS UP. wouldnt that be the most considerate thing to do for a woman who just went through ivf and is experiencing her first pregnancy? needless to say my blood has been simmering for the last half hour since i got off the phone with her. am i flying off the handle about this bc im a hormonal mess? i mean clearly this is a possibility but there were just too many things that pissed me off in that conversation. you have an appt for today that you wont give me, you know i'm high risk bc i told you im a diabetic and i should get in there asap, you know im nervous bc its my first time being pregnant and i told you im nervous, you're trying to tell me im less pregnant than i KNOW i am, and i have to call you once a day instead of you just informing me when you have a cancellation. i told you i would do whatever i needed to do to make it to the first available appt you had. AAAARRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

so, if i dont get in there any earlier and i go on the 19th, i'll be nearly 10 weeks pregnant (God willing) and my first trimester will pretty much be over. doesnt that sound like a bad idea to wait until week 10 to get any specialized prenatal care??? i think i have to call back and talk to someone about how frustrated i feel. this is not the foot i want to start this on.

(im sorry this is an angry rant but this is the only place i can vent at any time of day.)